Trouble being social? Here's a tip;

LOTS AND LOTS OF COCAINE.

Um, or therapy? probably costs about the same, and it's legal.

Seriously. If it's lack of social training, you can learn. If it's from a behavioral or mental disorder... you can probably still learn.

@2
therapy is not gonna make it all better, anymore then art lessons, or a good coach will make a artist or an athlete out of some one lacking talent or coordination. It may help a bit, it may give us some skills and practice and confidence, but that's all.

I have spent years coming to terms with my oddness, my tremendous difficulty in navigating situations that others sail through on instinct. However much I practice, I will still be odd, and uncomfortable, and that's ok.

I can cope. But it is easier for me to cope if people in general are aware that people like me exist. It'll be easier for you to, if you know, you don't have to be offended when I avoid eye contact and mumble in the dairy isle.
Thats all he's asking for.

However, I have no sympathy for his highly questionable word usage: "socially defunct"?

never compare your own reality to someone else's social mask. everybody sucks at some big important chunk of life, and for a lot of people, that thing is social interaction. i bet that MOST people feel awkward in social situations to one degree or another. some are just better at faking it than others. no worries, anonymous. we're all freaks. it's cool.

In closing, my request is simple: Give the awkward guy a break on occasion. We never ask for anything, nor expect anything from anyone.

Not asking for anything, huh? Just a break?

Jesus, no socially-awkward woman would feel entitled to demand that everyone else accommodate her. Get over yourself.

Jesus the posters are on here are assholes.
My best friend (and the kindest/coolest/smartest person I know) has a touch of the Ass Burgers.
He's wickedly socially awkward, but people who accept him for who he is and get to know the inner him are blessed.

Fuck these people, shine on my man. Shine on.

As a socially awkward non-Aspie, I've found that decent people the world over are pretty tolerant of social awkwardness, even if they can be a little perplexed by it. I think socially awkward people have the unfortunate habit of blowing the minority's shitty responses (everything from ridicule to outright insults) out of proportion.

If Anon lives in Seattle, he especially can find many people who are willing to put up with him and at least pretend to be understanding.

And I have an acquaintance who falls firmly in the asshole side of the spectrum (which is why he's only an acquaintance), and it never fails to amaze me the amount of shit his friends and acquaintances put up with from him.

People don't understand Asperger's very well. I know a couple people with it, and they are very difficult to deal with, and hard to get through to. But I do try to be understanding, it's just tough.

Hey anonymous, I thought this was a thoughtful and rather sweet letter. I'm fairly awkward myself and appreciate the patience of others in those everyday situations where social anxiety rears its head. I hope you find that most people are patient with you too, and that the ones who aren't or who are unkind are not worth a second though. Thank you for the reminder to extend a little patience and grace to those we encounter.

Nice Anon. This is real shit for a lot of people.

Introverts unite! Lets destroy the socialites and then sit quietly together without talking or making eye contact!

Next thing you know, these "social intraverts" will demand special parking spaces. Good grief!

Ye gods below, the commenters here are rampant asshats. As a person with near-total prosopagnosia who couldn't make eye contact or initiate a conversation with a stranger if her life depended on it, know that you have my understanding and sympathy, at least.

What is the deal with the spite posts in this thread?

The guy isn't attacking anyone, he isn't demanding money, he isn't demanding a mercy fuck, he's just asking, very gently and humbly, that people not humiliate him...that's all he meant by "give the ackward guy a break on occasion".

This was not a cool thread to do dissing for the sake of dissing. Most of the posters here owe Anon an apology.

@6:

Asking not to have one's every mannerism criticized and found wanting by complete strangers hardly unreasonable, and this socially awkward woman hereby makes the same request.

@18: Unfortunately, I think I, Anon is just somewhere for the kids to go when they just want to lay the boots to some sad or frustrated stranger.
Its too bad, because it is such a a cool and fun forum, if it wasn't for the blue meanies.
I think extreme awkwardness, as well as the ass burgers, are something that people learn to accept in themselves as they get older. It can take many years to find a place where you fit, when you're kinda "funny". As you become more accepting of yourself, the people who can see your dignity and self-respect shining through, will seek you out.
In this way, you will find a community where you belong, and the normals who lack awareness and compassion, just won't matter.

Apology not needed. Eye contact overrated. Communication meaningless.

Dear Ass Burgers,

Chances are some of the people you interact with are also socially awkward or have social anxiety problems. Nervousness is contagious. Yeah, some people are jerks and will laugh at you but it doesn't mean everyone is. I smile when I'm stressed or nervous. The more anxious I get the more I clench my teeth in a sort of grotesque, manic jack o'lantern grin. You're not alone. All us socially inept folks should all get together sometime and not talk to one another and avoid eye contact.

one of the better i, anons i've ever read, maybe the best. very heartfelt and intelligent, perfect use of the column. i used to be very shy and introverted, but i grew out of it after time. i don't enter a room like krusty the clown, but i can usually hold my own at a party where i don't know many people...something that used to terrify me in my teens/20's. i hope this guy does get a break and will improve.

Great anon. and heard loud and clear.

Oh dear. Thank you, Anonymous. Like many Aspies I know (I know a lot), you're smart and sensitive and write well. I'm kinda thinking, though, that that particular interaction was perhaps warmer than you thought. Maybe. Some people laugh at you in a kind manner, and if it looks almost exactly like derision, an Aspie will get nervous and see the more negative choice pretty often. I mean, people without Aspergers do that A LOT too, but then they are able to re-evaluate and calm down (or even ask for more info). Just try saying "what?!" and making a funny face next time (doesn't take much work) and people will fall all over themselves apologizing and explaining themselves and laughing (kindly).

I'm sorry you struggle with this. You sound sweet.

Yes to what 25 said. What seemed like "laughing at you" might have been a more friendly response that you realize. Just like you have trouble communicating off the cuff, some people use laughter as a way of smoothing over awkward moments (for instance, if you smile at someone who doesn't respond to you in kind).

Aww, Aspie, it's ok. As others have noted some of the laughter you've encountered might've been an attempt at sympathy. Of course it came off wrong and awkward - even those who interact with an ease unavailable to you feel awkward all the time, too. Life IS awkward. Just continue to make an effort and continue being you. Random strangers shouldn't get to ruin your day.

I know that in the moment this is not as easy as I am making it sound. But you'll be OK.

Action Kate ----

Seriously? What a woefully ignorant comment. Asperger's Syndrome is a neurobiological condition, not an attitude problem. You can't just get over it. What would you say to an autistic child covering her ears and rocking back and forth in the corner of the room? "Get over it"? Try reading about autism spectrum disorder some time, or maybe go see that Claire Danes movie. It would, after all, be the socially sensitive thing to do.

@6

Holy crap. Did you really just say that? Do I have to remind you too that it's a neurobiological condition? Why don't you get over *yourself*? Why shouldn't people who are different be able to ask for anything from others, but everybody else should be able to ask for whatever they want? That doesn't seem fair. It's not all about satisfying your needs. It's about compromise. That's fair.

Awkward socially inept people are so much more chill than loudmouth know-it-all assholes.

Have you tried COCAINE yet?

I did, and have made 347 new friends.

All my money is gone, I haven't slept in 2 days, and I can't feel my face, but GODDAMMIT I GOT OUT THERE AND DID IT!!!!

When I was a kid, the only Aspie person I knew was the constant butt of jokes at school, and I confess that I was too terrified of becoming a target again after being bullied a lot myself, and didn't stand up to the bullies for him. I only heard once or twice that he was an aspie, and never learned what exactly that really meant. And our teachers definitely didn't help anyone to understand.

Today, I've met plenty of aspies, have aspie friends, know of a number of aspie-supportive communities, and see aspies speaking up throughout net spaces. So kudos to all of you, writer included, who are doing the hard work to get it out there that this is a Thing, and to ask for much-deserved respect and understanding. I know it's tough, but thank you.

Not an aspie, but I grew up painfully shy and had to learn social skills the way some people study chemistry. I've done a good job of it and people today tend to think I'm actually extraverted. But I empathize, oh, I empathize.

And to D.F., the aspie from my childhood, I'm sorry.

Awwwwww...

This is a sweet I Anon. I see no reason why Awkward Guy cannot be given a break on occasion, perhaps even regularly.

Whaddaya say, Seattle??

I'm with ya on this one. Its taken me years of serious practice and I still sort of suck at it. While I doubt I have full blow ASS Burgers, as this stuff isn't debilitating, I can check off several things on the list that I have mild cases off. So I deal, and I learn, and I practice and sort of not worry too much. The people who know me and who care about me and vice versa, get it.

Thanks for a good Anon this week.

Thank you for speaking out. I hope you will meet lots of people who basically assume that everyone's just doing their best, and that it's OK.

I have crippling social anxiety bordering on agoraphobia...it sucks. I also have a job where I have to deal with the public on a daily basis. In my experience, people are generally not going to freak out if you get tongue tied or do something a little bit weird. The person at the grocery store was probably laughing because she was nervous, not because she thinks you are a buffoon.

Oh Boo Hoo, nobody is going to cut me any slack for being the dork that I am.

Seriously, why are they only picking the lame IA's anymore?

How do you tell the difference between someone who is acting like an ass burgers and someone who is acting like a jerk? I find it difficult.

@42: Perhaps a compare and contrast would help you. I anon gave someone his empty cart, which sounds like someone trying to be nice, IMO. Meanwhile, #2, 6 & 41 are assholes. Not knowing the proper response? Socially awkward. Making cruel and judgmental comments? Jerkdouchery.

Yeah... but I have known people with aspergers who have manipulated me and lied to me, and blamed it on being "socially retarded."

Read 39. Totally worth it.

Thank God for some good comments, as well as some intelligence. You do not "get over it". It is not like breaking up with a girl or boy friend, which can be hard to get over. There is way to much ignorance and hate in this world, bless all of you who were positive. What branch of logic did you negative commencementers use? Please elaborate your intellectual ineptitude's; for we will enjoy your stupidity! Thank you Anon for a perfect post for these assholes.

Sounds silly, but serious meditation is really helpful.

The first time I met someone with Asperges, I didn't know he had it. I just knew that he didn't seem to get the social cues he was supposed to, and I got annoyed and snubbed him.

Years later, I found out why he was the way he was, after becoming friends with a family member of his.

I tolerated him for my friend's sake, and also out of shame for being mean to someone because I didn't understand what he had, and he never seemed to begrudge me my years of snubbing him, and now we're on friendly terms, and I'm glad I gave him a chance in the end, because I'm now seeing that he's quite a remarkable, smart, radical, interesting and caring person.

Just so you know, often when people laugh they're trying to make you feel more comfortable. It's all about context, which seems to be something you have trouble with. Just keep it in mind- most people know what it's like to be awkward and don't want to make you feel moreso.

Anon, I hope people will give you a break, but try not to let it get to you if they don't. Some people are just jerks, and that's their problem.

And keep in mind that even among those of us who seem to know all the right things to do and say in social situations, some of us still feel awkward about it on the inside because it seems so unnatural and forced.

Right on @ 54, @53, @49, and all the others commenting on context and laughter. Sometimes it will turn out that the other party IS a massive jackass, but try to let it roll off you and remember that it's their problem, not yours, and just go on doing the best you can.

or just be human . not all humans are so so social - and human is ok. in fact, human is divine. so you - just be you. let another figure it out in her own good time, if she ever desires or it crosses her mind to. .

or just be human . not all humans are so so social - and human is ok. in fact, human is divine. so you - just be you. let another figure it out in her own good time, if she ever desires or it crosses her mind to. .

Brandon @29, and IA:

First of all, I didn't realize the title "ass burgers" meant "Asperger's." I've never seen the conflation before, so I didn't realize IA was autistic and not someone who's neurotypical but awkward. So for that I apologize.

My comment about therapy was mostly in response to @1's "COCAINE!!!" comment, which I thought was truly stupid. However, I do know an Aspie who felt that the behavioral therapy she got helped her to feel more comfortable in public, and taught her how to interact with people. That's what I was driving at: SOMEtimes it's possible to alleviate social awkwardness with therapy, even for Aspies.

That's also why I qualified it with "probably," because not everyone with an ASD can in fact learn to behave differently. There's no shame in that; it's just how a particular person is wired.

I meant no offense, and I apologize if I offended unintentionally.

Thank you to the author of this "I, Anonymous" posting. This is a great reminder for a special request to all kids & teenagers returning to school:

If you see someone at school who is struggling to make friends, or being teased because he/she is different or shy or doesn't have the nicest clothes & shoes. PLEASE STEP UP! Just say "hi," sit next to him/her at lunch, or at least smile at him/her. You never know what that person might be facing outside of school.

Your kindness could make a BIG difference in someone's life :-)

Ass burger... Cap Hill menu?

@62; WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA......WAIT A SECOND!

Are you telling me COCAINE ISN'T the answer?!

My world is spinning.

curious that this anon has sparked such an interest amongst you random strangers.

I'm with 25 and 26 on this one. I once had a similar incident happen at the grocery store (pretty recently, actually) and I felt bad for laughing because I could tell that the adorably awkward guy I was smiling at thought that I was meanly mocking him. In fact, I was trying to be flirtatious because I had noticed him before he made his kind gesture to me and thought he was cute. His awkwardness only stole my heart. I know this sounds cheesy, but I'm trying to express how I felt in that moment. I laughed because I was nervous and proud that I had actually tried to make a connection with a stranger, and a guy that I was interested in, no less. I had butterflies! The look he gave me was not quite as friendly as the one he attempted when he offered me his cart and I knew what he was thinking in that moment. I wanted to catch him and explain myself, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to and I felt horrible for making him feel inferior.

I myself have difficulty with all of the things that you listed and have never been diagnosed with Asperger's. (I suppose it is possible because there are people in my family who live with AS. There have been studies that have suggested the possibility of heredity of genetic mutations that cause autism disorders such as AS.) Regardless, I've always been a little off in the social regard...I don't make friends easily, I'm very shy, I express myself in written words better than spoken, and looking at someone (and actually seeing them) much less smiling at a complete stranger is typically a very, very rare thing for me to do unless I see something in them that I think is so beautiful that it draws me out to try and make contact. (I have worked with several children with Autism and autistic disorders who were naturally drawn to me and I found it easier to deal with them than many people who have proper training and a higher education. This might be an explaination, but I often find it easier and more comfortable to communicate and bond with autistic children than I do with normal people.)

Asperger's Syndrome is relatively new to the DSM-IV (the diagnostic manual used to diagnose autism disorders), which means that there is a good possibility of a lot of undiagnosed adults (or adults who were wrongly diagnosed with ADD or ADHD...which happened to a cousin of mine before he finally received the right diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome in his mid-teens after years of being medicated for ADD and OCD.) So the next time someone reacts in a way that makes you think they are laughing in a way negatively directed at you, remind yourself to assume they have AS, too, and that maybe they're trying to connect their soul to yours. Sometimes, when people laugh at me in a negative way, I find it easier to take if I point and laugh back at them. You might try that, too.

@25,@26, @67, & @71: Way to go!! Aspergers Unite!!!

@16: No, I don't need a "special" parking space. It's just as well.
Parking doesn't exist in Seattle, dude!

I will happily chase geese anywhere. clueless is something you have to accept. just like your hair choices. you could make me a shirt.

The lost art of being polite,

I was raised in a household where formal politeness was taught, and practiced, for just about any situation. Think of it as social armor when you don't know what to do. Nowadays it is thought of as being elite, but it was designed to be social grease. I am subject to social anxiety attacks, and having a politeness mode as a fallback has been the only thing to get me through them.

OTOH, a sense of compassion and humor never hurts.

Peace.

the try cocaine comment is totally stupid, given the type of stupid addictive drug it is, but there are several entheogens out there, including front and centre, MDMA, to help the lad break out (only to be used after sufficient erowid type research) - much better and quicker and permanent positive changes than any SSRI type medicine out there, in my opinion.

And as someone commented, you can gain some assurance from the fact that eventually you will feel better about yourself, comfortable in your skin and become more confident over time - age has a way of dulling the normal sensitivities that some feel as youth....