Columns Mar 11, 2015 at 4:00 am

Kitty Hate Machine


You are a disgusting, dumbass dog.
You're keeping a super-soaker filled with your piss at the ready for a counter attack? Where? By the front door?
As a cat lover, all that I have to say to you is Amen. I know people, your cats want to go outside. So do mine! But if fluffy wanted to subside on a strict diet of chicken bones, antifreeze, and dental floss, you wouldn't let him because it could kill him. There are so many things outside that can and do kill cats. Cars, dogs, wildlife, irate neighbors, other cats, and diseases. Everyone thinks that their cat is smart enough to avoid those things. You're wrong. If they've avoided them so far, then you're lucky. Finding your pet on the side of the road is more heartbreaking than you can imagine. Not to mention that you're giving every asshole who hates cats a valid reason to complain, (present company excepted IA. I'm sure that super soaker full of urine is the act of a perfectly reasonable person. Please do record your neighbor's reaction when you take a dump on their doorstep.) Toxoplasmosis is spread via feline feces. Most cats carry toxo, and it can be dangerous to kids and pregnant women. Please, keep them indoors. Free range cats are often dead cats.

Ahem. Sorry, stepping off the soapbox now. Crazy cat ladies gotta rant sometimes, you know?
@4 How do you live with yourself?
Piss Soaked Feline. Now that is an awesome cat video I wanna see.
Yet another "I, Anon" from a typical Seattle Hipster Douche Bag.
@8 Why are you so obsessed with "hipsters" (whatever you think that means)? Also, where do you see any evidence that this Anon is a hipster? Wait, is this like raging homophobes who are really gay and closeted? Maybe you're actually an overcompensating closeted hipster! It's okay, it gets better, I promise. You can have neck tattoos and commute by skateboard well into your 40's AND have a happy and fulfilling life.
sprinkle cayenne in the areas the cat uses - they hate it, will avoid it for a long time. you can buy cayenne cheap in Indian grocery stores

Get one, take it to a shelter. That's the caring, responsible thing to do for someone's stray pet, which is what they are. If you see a dog wandering the street, isn't that the right thing to do for it (or at least calling animal control or whatever to pick it up)? After the fourth or fifth trip to the shelter, your neighbor will reconsider the outdoorsy lifestyle of their cat. Or it'll be adopted by someone who can be reaponsible with it.
Please don't punish the kitty for the owner's ignorance.

As a Crazy Cat Person, I prefer to "encourage" cat owners to keep their pets inside with anecdotes of parasites and worms brought into the household.

Nothing works as well as a miniscule, wiggly tapeworm on the kitchen counter to persuade someone that their kitty doesn't really NEED to go outside.
@12 that only works if you know the owner and are on speaking terms. And have a wiggly tapeworm handy.

human piss shouldn't hurt the cat. At worst it is mildly uncomfortable, and very unpleasant for the owners. Either the cat would learn to associate a smelly, wet feeling with IA's lawn, or the owners will get hit with piss stank and have to bathe the cat regularly. Either way, success.

Shelter doesn't hurt it either (as long as it's a no-kill). And ex-lax is, again, uncomfortable. As long as poison or other physically harmful means aren't used, I think IA and the cat will both be fine.
Have you considered tying your dog to the end of a long pole & using it to dust windows?
The problem with the piss spray idea is that those damn cats are sneaky bastards. The dog eating it is gross but worse is they leave it in my vegetable garden, truly GROSS. I take that cat shit and fling it into their yard and try real hard to get it right by the door. There stupid cat just looks at me when I yell and threaten it, then saunters back over to lay on his porch. I'm not anon about it, I complain loudly and long about it.

You are still mad about me baiting that one trap with Cocaine, and Malt Liquor.

I said I was sorry.
@8 ...Oh wait, maybe we're now blaming any and all problems on Seattle Hipster Douche Bags. In that case, by all means.
You know, that super-soaker full of piss is a fantastic method for training said cat to not shit in your lawn. He'll get the picture within a couple of such incidents.
Wow, I'm digging all this hostility towards animals coming out in these comments. And fear of shit and the outdoors in general. You city folk are as neurotic and tortured as your poor pets. Animals are territorial, they go bat-shit crazy when you keep them in your apartments, why do it? I mean, you can keep a goldfish alive in a Mason jar but that doesn't mean you should. Where is your conscience?
@18 - Yes, I saw that giant pile of white powder and the 40 of Old E, and the next thing I know I'm stuck in a Have-A-Heart trap headed to a neuter clinic. So yeah, that kind of pissed me off.
@19 - Indeed most of Seattle's problems CAN be traced to transplant hipster douche bags. Did I hit a Sore spot? Did I deacribe YOU? Go drink an ice cold PBR and calm down.
@3 While cats are a necessary part of the life cycle of the parasite toxoplasma gondii, they are not to blame for transmission of the disease to humans. The oocysts of this parasite are quite hardy and can persist in the environment years after an infected kitty dropped them there. Meanwhile, birds,mice, and other animals continue to distribute the cysts far afield.

People catch toxoplasmosis by eating unwashed produce or under cooked meat, or by failing to wash hands after digging around in the dirt. It has far more to do with poor sanitation than with cat ownership.

But fine: say you have a cat with an active infection of toxoplasmosis, and it's actively shedding oocysts in its poop. The only way those going to get in your body is if you handle cat poop and don't wash your hands afterwards. If that happens, it's not because you have a cat. It's because you nasty.
@24: That is true, and when I dig in the garden I wash my hands afterwards, but kids aren't always as careful. And to a cat, a sandbox is just a giant litter box.

The big reason that mine stay indoors most of the time is my jerk of a neighbor who hates cats. He's threatened to shoot the neighborhood strays on more than one occasion, (Makes jokes about making my turtle into soup too. A truly lovely human being.) and I don't want to risk one of them crossing his path. Also, there is a busy road nearby. I've seen more dead pets on that road over the years than I can count. I do bring them out into the fenced yard once in a while when I can be out with them. They enjoy it, but they're pretty happy indoors too.
I vote super soaker. But make sure to zap the owner a couple times too... In the face!
What kind of pathetic dog gets sick from eating a little bit of cat poop? The dogs I know eat far, far worse things that that all the time and never get sick from it.
I have the same problem but my neighbor's 36+ cats and kittens seem to have dwindled to maybe six or seven. Thank you to the coyotes or whatever reduced the population.
@23 Well, I don't live in Seattle and I'm nowhere near trendy enough to count as a hipster, so I think I'm safe on those counts. Also, I don't get the PBR fetishism. If I'm going to abuse my liver I'll go for cocaine and malt liquor, thanks.

I take my crazy friends, and infirm family members to the spay and neuter clinic as often as possible..

After a while, they will learn, and refuse to get in the car.
What kind of no-load, panty-waisted canine gets sick after eating cat shit? Is eating cat shit not clearly spelled out in the job description? I think that's where all this anger is really coming from: deep-seated shame at having a dog that is clearly not cut out for this dog-eat-cat-shit world.
@28: Oops.
@23 sprayed: "Indeed most of Seattle's problems CAN be traced to transplant hipster douche bags."
Indeed ALL problems can be traced to the "others", be they Blacks, Latinos, Irish, Jews, Muslims, Catholics, Asians, Californians, Liberals, or anyone who isn't exactly like you. It's always the others. They fuck it up every time, unlike the white settlers who presided over a genocide to steal this land and pillage its resources. Nope, those white settlers were totally cool because they were here first. Not counting the Native Americans since they should have been on the reservation before the white man got here.
When I, Anonymous finds out about squirrels, mice, raccoons and birds, it's going to get ugly.
Try not to get too worked up about it. If you're so upset about a few cat turds that you're pissing into a child's squirt gun and leaving it by the door, then the cat has already won.

Also, your dog has probably eaten worse.
If you have an outdoor cat you are a bad person.

There are a couple that won't stay out of my yard. I've tried chasing and throwing rocks but they won't get the message. They aren't long for this world.

I love birds, I keep track of the migrating species and I spend a lot of money on bird feeders and seed so that I can enjoy them when they pass through. I'm sick and tired of the neighborhood cats stalking and ambushing the birds that come to my feeders. Domestic house cats in this country are responsible for killing an estimated two BILLION wild animals, mostly fledgling birds, every year. (srsly:…) Also I am allergic to cats and they shit in my flower beds. How it is socially acceptable to allow your pet to roam on other people's property with no supervision I will never understand.
Reading the IA column, my prediction was "this thread will be pretty much nothing but assholes With Opinions About Animals flying their asshole flags." Zifferelli managed to work in some xenophobic assholishness, too, but otherwise I appear to have been correct.

Chill out, people.
Is that you Big Fat Meanie??? Now who's shit's in the wind? Lay off cats. The world is their toilet. Period. At least they try to cover it. Having had an insane cat hating neighbor at one time, I can vouch for this cat hater being seriously nuts. The cops said, "Don't do anything to escalate the problem, this person is obviously miserable and has way too much time on their hands." You have to wonder about people who obsess about small animals. Do you hate squirrels too? What about guinea pigs? Cat's can roam legally. So get a fricken life and stop messing with cats.
@37 Maybe stop luring all of the pretty birds to your yard where they are sitting ducks? Or put the feeders where cats can't reach them?

Get these board-riding, anarchy-believing, law-breaking miscreants off of our streets!
"You have to wonder about people who obsess about small animals."

I do obsess over the small animals, the small native, WILD animals.

"Do you hate squirrels too?"

Great question for outdoor cat owners. Because they kill a lot of squirrels too (mostly the young, defenseless ones.)
@40 or maybe I can just reasonably expect other people to keep their pets out of my yard.

Providing food for the birds can go a long way to mitigate the impact of habitat loss on bird populations. Helps birds survive the winter and successfully raise their chicks. It's not typically the adult birds on the feeders that are the victims, it is mostly the nestlings and fledglings that the cats prey upon.
cats gonna cat. mine's too old to bother hunting and pooping outdoors.

@43: oh, you're "mitigating the impact of habitat loss" then? that's how my pals justify feeding the raccoons, too. i'd say you're interfering with population/habitat balance.
"i'd say you're interfering with population/habitat balance."

Yes, that is exactly what I am doing. I am attempting to recreate an environment in my yard that more closely resembles the native environment by choosing native plant species and eliminating invasive species (your fucking cats.)
@43 "maybe I can just reasonably expect other people to keep their pets out of my yard."

Well, actually you can't, because cats are legally allowed to roam. On that note, throwing rocks at them, as you claim to do, is a felony.
Interestingly, throwing a rock at a cat and injuring it is technically the same crime as fucking said cat. I couldn't make that up! ....…
I'm glad my cat doesn't read The Stranger.
@42, I have a cat. I keep it indoors. Mostly because I don't want it to be eaten by a raccoon or coyote. I also feed squirrels, have bird feeders, and hummingbird feeders. Live and let live. I do what I can to help the critters. But, crazy people need to stop obsessing about cats. Cats do will do their thing. It isn't worth losing your mind over it. Believe me, the crazy neighbor got theirs. Evicted. And they weren't any nature lover, they were just nuts.
@45 You say you are attempting to create an environment in your yard... that does not include predators.

You are not attempting to create a more natural environment. You are trying to create an aviary.
Middleperson and I, anon you are both idiots. Do you even know why the domesticated cat was domesticated? Yeah, it was basically to keep your native and non native shit humans grow pest free. I once lived in a place where I was the only cat owner. All the other units had a rat problem. Guess who didn't? The rats didn't even bother with my place. Me and my ex had four cats yet had a pretty good, but amateur garden. Guess what we let the cats help fertilize without resorting to chemicals? Yep, you guessed it. Cat shit.

To those who say "keep the cat indoors" I offer my experience with my old cat Rowdy (RIP). I got her when I was 13. Tried to keep her indoors. Eventually she she snuck out, and was gone for a week. We couldn't keep her in. She'd meow at the door and annoy the shit out of us. We gave in.
Years later, when I moved out on my own (from Edmonds to the U District), I tried again to keep her indoors, as I lived near a busy street. She was miserable, and took it out on me, peeing on my stuff, and shitting on the floor in front of the catbox (which at my parents house she only used if the weather was bad or she was indoors while we were out). She also got too fat to clean herself.
Yes, it's better if you can make your cat an indoor cat, and their shitting in random places is annoying, but if a cat is inclined to spend time outdoors, it will make you pay one way or another for keeping it in.
Since I mentioned earlier that she's no longer roaming this earth shitting god knows where, I'll just throw out there that she did not die some horrible outdoor related death. She lived 18 years.
MiddlePerson is a douche bag. MiddlePerson needs to move back to Cali, where she will be more in tune with her Hipster friends. Have another PBR, MiddlePerson.
This same I, Anon appeared in the Portland Mercury. So where did it actually happen? Need to know so the smarmy people calling it typical of Seattle or Portland (wherever it didn't happen) residents can choke on their words.
Seattle is an uptight, anti-cat city. First of all, I've never seen so few outdoor cats in any majormetrpolitan center outside of current day NYC; and considering the great difference in size, that's pretty sad. Second, I've never lived in a city where the government has stupidly turned cats into the equivalent of dogs (as this article lamely asserts they are) and whereby the city then forces people to pay licensing fees as if cats and dogs were anywhere near the same type of pet - and send threatening notices out asking if residents are harboring "fugitives of the law" as if cats were undocumented immigrants living in Arizona. What an offensive suggestion and what a highway robber rip-off. Thirdly, writer, cat poop in your yard? Gimme a break. Do you, like, throw rocks at seagulls or crows when they splat on your doorstep or windshield? My goodness, a little nature knocking. Think of all the bacteria and germs everywhere. Fourth, I've never been in a city where I've stepped in so much unscooped dog shit, and whereby the dog-owners think so much more highly of their pets that they expect other pedestrians to walk into the gutter lest they have to shorten Rover one inch less of his freedom to roam all over the pathway or sidewalk that human beings are supposed to be able to freely enjoy instead. Fifith, dog lovers, get your effin' dog's snot out of my crouch when you pass by - women, you too are as sexist and obnoxious as your guy friends on this matter, with your doggies on a leash. Do I walk by YOU and stick YOU in the crouch? Sixth, dog lovers, I expect to be able to take a walk down the street without your monsters running loose after me, in violation of the city's leash laws, or viciously barking at a fence they could easily hop to tear me apart .. I mean, you guys are no different than someone waving a gun in my face because they think they own the property on the other side of their fence as well! And, at least with a gun owner, there's a brain controlling the weapon, it's flying around loose. I mean, you don't like our sweet kitties? Unlike your stealth weaponry, with some breeds deserving to be outright against the law in an urban setting -- our sweet, peace loving, innocent kitties keep this city freer of rodents than any of you dog owners ever will. Though te less we see cats outside, the more we will likely see the rat infestation grow. I mean, these rodents, snotty dog-owner, probably stay away from your garbage bins just because you are regularly graced by that anonymous kitty's greeting cards. So maybe you should leave some snacks out next time, like a kitty alter, offerings, or just clean up more, so kitty decides your stoop is not a public bathroom, but a restaurant possibility, or a place to curl up in the sun and sleep. Sounds to me like kitty giving you some of your own attitude back, and the god of little karmas thinks you have a lesson to learn about your feline relatives. Seattle, you are such a stupid city when it comes to cats. Why don't we see more of these lovely creatures strolling about freely? We wonder!
Let your cat wander and hunt birds in my yard; if my dog catches it, well I'll be looking the other way.
@6 Piss Soaked Feline is my next band name
P.S. In short, too, the so-called great liberal city of Seattle criminalizes cat owners and this article plays right into that unjust dumb mentality. What a waste of taxpayers money.
I have indoor cats. There are at least 3 stray cats that come visit the yard and usually try to hunt the birds. I believe the are probably abandoned by the people who have lived in and now moved on from the 4 plex apartments down the street. Feeling pretty set on cats, and after finding homes for several strays I wasn't really into acquiring any other cat. Then one of the strays showed up clearly injured. Took him to the vet and he had a broken pelvis from having been hit by a car.

He was a savvy Tom but still not faster than a car. He healed, and has some remaining issues due to the injury and is now a house cat.

People suck. They try to intentionally hurt animals. And free roaming cats are in danger from those people as well as from the cars they drive. Song birds are in danger from cats.

And yeah, cat shit in your garden is noxious.
56 and if your vicious dog is running loose in a yard with a fence *that* low, and you're *that* spaced out, don't be surprised if you find him unconscious on the other side, one fine day, or facing a lawsuit for your irresponsibility with such stealth weaponry.
59, what neighborhood are you in? I never see stray cats in Seattle. But I see plenty of loose dangerous dogs and irresponsible dog owners.

What a disappointing article from "The Stranger." Work up the cat prejudice, huh.
Oh, and dog owners - we listen to your animals barking wildly for hours because you leave them home alone. Another thing our kitties never do! ;-) Along with all the children your pets terrify, which our kitties never do either. American dog owners are among some of the most self-centered obnoxious creatures one has ever seen on planet earth.
I never see stray cats, and, I rarely, rarely see cats walking loose. When they are loose, they are unnaturally afraid of people, which is pretty sad. Shows how nasty and unfriendly the city is to kitties. Seattle deserves its growing rodent problem. What goes around comes around, as it's said.
It's not the cats I hate, it's the owners.
Hey dog owners, remember that the carbon footprint of your little pal is the same as owning a large SUV!

/Loves pets of all kinds, so fuck you! :D
@65 -- You know the carbon paw print of cats is just as bad, right?

Also, if it's cruel and unreasonable to keep cats indoors, maybe it's also cruel and unreasonable to own them in urban areas? Just maybe ...
Welp. Thread confirms it. Crazy cat people are crazy. You've all got toxo, get off my lawn.
My indoor/outdoor cats prefer to poop outside, even though we keep two clean litterboxes inside. :-\
All cats found outdoors should be shot on sight. The city should be trapping and killing them, just like they do other vermin like rabbits in Green Lake.
welcome to rodentia and the peoples' republic of whatever it is new zealand does to get rid of them. this is from a cat's perspective, for a change: "love it. being three-squares-food-subsidized, sleepy time inside and warm and dry until i venture outside and want to kill something that has to fight off these things every goddam day until i kill it. for fun. i don't need the nourishment. while i lop off every song bird (what dinosaur has no song? really? just the charismatic ones?), snake, reptile (like seattile? think: cold, wet, dark...). what's the problem with these hipster=yuppie=dumbshit=kids these days? good ducking luck bringing them all up.”
dog says: "almost almond roca!" why do you blame any breed? there're some smarts in there! Might as well LEARN something as blather on…

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