Columns Jul 22, 2015 at 4:00 am

Ride the Ducks? How About FUCK the Ducks.

Steven Weissman


You think its bad now?
I wonder if the J, K, & L orca pods feel the same way in the San Juan Islands.
careful what u wish for dicko.
Why don't you move next to SeaTac?
Unless I'm wrong about the point of a houseboat being that it can move from place to place, this seems like an easily solved problem.
Everytime I see the duck I wish I had a double big gulp I could chuck at the thing.
I used to encourage people to flip off the ducks whenever they went by. Then I met the owners. Nice people.
ugh. I live in Wallingford right off of their route, waking up to the inanity. Honestly, I don't think it should be legal to make so much repetivive noise over a large area for such a dumb reason.
@9 Agreed. Isn't there a law about loud music coming from a vehicle? If not, there should be. For example, if music can be heard more than, say, 20 feet away from a vehicle then it's too loud and subject to receiving a ticket.

The Duck vehicles are like parties on wheels (sometimes, other times they are spectres of depression, slowly - and quietly - cruising through the drizzle, clear flaps rolled down over the sides, a handful of people miserably shivering through a grotesque parody of revelry...I digress, what was it I was talking about? Oh, yes, the noise). They should be regulated like other vehicles.
If you replace the word "ducks" and the phrase "ride the ducks" with "Amazonians", you get a sense for how completely Seattle is not Seattle any more!
Why not just Hang something the average tourist would find vulgar off your deck so the ducks avoid heading your way and look for another way in the Lake? Maybe a picture of Donald Duck getting fisted or something?
Um, you knew this when you moved there, right?
I do find the Ducks annoying, I have been verbally sexually assaulted by Duck riders once or twice, and yes, having them go past your house endlessly must get annoying as f*ck, but I know the route and stay away.
Really, you live on the lake in a house boat, I have little sympathy.
And yes to the point about healthy local economy, I am glad they're expanding, from that point of view, at least.
Noise laws for them would not be a bad idea.
So I, Anon lives on the lake and thinks for some reason it's all for him and no one else? Kind of like those assholes who live on Lake Washington with the "private beach"? Hmmmm?
The Duckmobile makes me think of zoo animals wondering which is truly caged, themselves or the human spectators.
Thank you @13 for that visual imagery. (Anyone have a Q-tip for my brain? Squeegee perhaps?)

I genuinely feel bad for I Anon. Whether they did the appropriate research or not, it’d be easy to overlook just how genuinely awful it can be to have people all up in your (house) grill day in and day out. Definitely a legitimately placed fuck.

And seriously. Someone needs to make you that Donald Duck sign stat.

You should start walking around the house naked, put a big screen tv on the outside of your boat playing nothing but porn, and blare music back at them. Light off a firework or two and I bet the ducks will reroute their flight plan.
Ride-the-Ducks constantly violate Seattle Municipal Code 25.08.515. If you can hear their vehicle audio/music/PA at a distance of 75ft when you're in your home, park, business, school, etc, they're too loud and can be fined. Call the non-emergency police hotline and make a noise complaint. Let's quiet them down and ensure compliance with existing noise regulations.
I'm assuming you knew this went on when you moved there. I mean, people with some smarts make sure to know what they're moving into when they settle down somewhere. So, I'll assume you have the smarts to have done that. After assuming this I can then only imagine how high your level of entitlement rises to think that after choosing to move somewhere, that everyone has to then change to make you happy. By the way-don't like people leering at your home or your kayak? Don't live on a public waterway.
Instead of "Fuck the Ducks" how about "Fuck the anonymous uptight Seattleite crybaby asshole who has nothing better to do with his time than snivel about shit he could change if he wanted to", Seriously. You have made the CHOICE to live in a big and thriving city yet you have the nerve to complain about the sounds made by happy and fun loving people who are here to enjoy our city and who drop MAJOR coin into the city economy while doing so? What a douchbag. Presumably the Ducks don't operate during the overnight hours which is the ONLY time of day that anyone in a large city has any expectation of quiet or reduced noise levels. Whatever sympathy I might have had for your plight, in particular the repetitive nature of the transgression, goes completely out the window the minute your complaint is centered around the sounds of people laughing and having fun.
Hopefully you are also one of the whack-job vaccine deniers and are thus struck by a case of measles leaving you deaf and therefore unable to be such whiny tool.
I love this I, Anon - made me laugh as well as called out obnoxious noise makers. (Seems like they can tour the area INSIDE an enclosed space and have all the cacophony they want). I,Anon: Pls do the rude sign idea a commentor suggested for sure! Then the haters can say "Those Duck Boats who are offended by "interesting art" should have done their homework before they decided to use a lake for their obnoxious noise creation business."
It's a unique situation; enjoy it or move. Be nice. Me, I would set up mannequins of an entire grunge band shooting up with cups of starbucks.
I lived on Lk. Union for 8 years at Boatworld. I can say that the tourist thing was kind of annoying but it was the best 8 years of my life,
@23 Could the bass player be sodomizing Donald Duck in the kayak?

Something for everyone!
At the end of any duck ride people should have to assault a beach while under fire from Japanese machine guns. I was talked into riding one once and the noise and diesel exhaust in the face convinced me that operators must quickly become brain damaged. I was just in Amsterdam and the canal boats were mostly battery powered, no organics in the water, reduced noise, are Americans so addicted to driving something on the road that even boats have to do it?
No, fuck the ducks. I entirely agree with anon. I lived off Stone Way for a time and used North Lake to get to work as it wasn't a "known" bypass to most during rush hour. One time I was at Ivar's LU and one of the ducks cruised by and as soon as they passed they played some loud sound of breaking glass and everyone on the patio jumped up at once wondering who did it. The passengers just clapped and laughed. Pretty good prank, but lame when you're eating.
I used to work in Pioneer Square. Countless times I had to explain to the person on the other end of the phone why YMCA was playing in the background. Fuck the Ducks.
Fuck the ducks all the way to flyover country.

I hear them constantly heading north on 1st, passing the Art Museum.

They play the loud stupid refrain from Petula Clark's "Downtown", makes my cholesterol curdle. Then the asshole driver yells out a bunch of statistics and yells "Iiiiiiiittttts Hammering Man!"

Fucking useless morons, both proprietors & customers. Those crappy trucks pollute the air and make a racket. And sometimes they kill people! Quack! Quack! Go away, don't come back!
Prepare your selves for more complaints along this line. The Ducks will be moving to their own private launch just across the way on Fairview East. The neighbors lost their battle to keep them out but at least Anon will be off the hook.
For the record several of us on Slog asked that the old Public Intern shoot at the ducks back in 2008 I think. Sadly the intern only used a water gun: us Sloggers wanted the ducks to be destroyed.......
Oddly enough I took my first "duck" ride on Saturday. As we approached the ramp the driver announced that he would need to get "off mic" in the channel due to complaints from boat owners at the marina. There are some housebarges there but no true houseboats. Anyone there can move to another marina that is farther from the ramp.
why must you be so vulgar? Can't we just make love to the Ducks instead?
I work near the ducks' route and I will say that the number of them has increased dramatically. It's usual for me not to see one when I walk outside, and some times they pass by in a flock of 2-3 at once.

I would assume it's just summer tourist season, and that come October we can all go back to our rainy solitude again.
OP's an idiot.
What a burden it is to live in such a nice place as Seattle.…
No, fuck the ducks. The jokes are bad, the music is horrible, and as someone else said, they have run over people before, like motorcyclists. I work in an office just above a traffic light where they idle and I can't stand them blasting "Call Me Maybe" or "YMCA" or "Stayin' Alive" over and over and over.

And don't call the non-emergency line on them, call 911 and report it because the police sergeant who instructed my office to do this said that no calls or complaints to the non-emergency line are tracked. If you want to build a record of complaints that might convince the owners to turn that shit down, call 911 and report their noise-ordinance breaking asses.
I hate them too. Constantly giving wrong information and giving children those DAMNED QUACKERS(who's terrible idea was that!?). I just want to walk home in piece.
Fun story though: I was downtown one time (around the Pike Place Market) and a duck pulled up blaring "Downtown". The way they had to stop at a light they had sidled up to an alley, where a drunk homeless man had his dick out and peeing all over the side of a building. Downtown indeed. Welcome to Seattle fuckers.
Having ridden the Ducks years ago, I can understand their soak and they're kinda fun. They'd be more fun with booze, but that's not the point. I do find them incredibily intrusive, loud, annoying and migration inducing when you're walking around or driving anywhere on their route. Plus last Thursday I was trying to use the public boat launch east of Gasworks that anon is most likely referencing, to launch 2 kayaks. My friend and I had to time it just so because they were going in and out of the water with such frequency. Once we were in the water, we felt like targets. I don't really know what can be done.
Must be really rough... living in a houseboat, on the water... and having boats go by. Let me get out my little violin for this ass-hat.
I, too, am annoyed by how much fun everyone seems to be having in those Duckboats.
Maybe you ahould put on your Porky outfit and grab your shotgun.
@42, I agree. Boat launches are PUBLIC and should not be monopolized by commercial businesses.
@13 nailed it. The OP says he's set up an idyllic life there then wonders why the Ducks choose to cruise by. Make it less appealing to look at while holding onto the Fuck the Ducks message and they'll be less likely to make it part of the route.
Once I took my out of town guests to Ride The Ducks at their request. The guide was an ass. Just incredibly disrespectful to the people living on the route. At one point he lowered the music (as they were required to) and announced

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we are approaching a noise ordinance area where *I* have to remain quiet out of respect to our local Seattle residents, but I can't stop *YOU Party Animals* from enjoying yourselves!"

So yeah, the music was turned down but the people had intentionally been turned UP. Seemingly out of spite .. I just wanted to smack the guy upside the head and tell him "Why do you think everyone here hates you!? Because of THIS shit... This petty, intentionally pointed use of your captive audience to provoke and antagonize. You embarrass yourself and bring resentment on your employer. Why? Is it just the slight chance that you may get a bigger tip if you are viewed as the cool-uncle-that-lets-us-yell?"
Not just noisy, but dangerous and massively incompetent on the water. I've been nearly run over by duck boats a couple of times while paddling because the driver is more worried about entertainment than navigation.
If nothing else, the comments section made for fun reading on this one.
Of course, if anyone had the audacity to complain about pounding hip-hop emanating from a Capitol Hill club at 2 a.m. they'd be called uptight suburban transplants who should have known they were moving into a city. But because these are uncool tourists -- even though it's the middle of the day -- they get cut no slack whatsoever.
Why can't people just be satisfied in knowing they're better than the people who go on those tours?
Can we start a city wide Moon the Ducks campaign?
FTA: "I live on a boat near the public access ramp"

Wut..... Ծ_Ծ

Wait... I can't hear the ducks over the sound of the tiniest violin playing!
ಠ_ಠ ... yeah.

Shouldn't possible noise have been considered BEFORE purchasing the slip?

And sure, I don't doubt the noise increased since you moved in, ...but... don't know......MOVE? ◔_◔
So simple solution: Move slips.
(And while doing so dip your tail in Lake Union to rinse out that sandy vagina.)
The "Seattle Freeze" is NOT a good thing. Definately not taken to the pretentious levels Anon has taken it here. O_O
> I live on a boat near the public access ramp the Ride the Ducks vehicles use to enter Lake Union.

The rest of your argument is invalid.
I ❤️ The Ducks
I am SHOCKED that your life sucks so badly that you feel the need to write in about the ducks. Yes, they are loud and obnoxious, but let me guess- you're not a Seattle native. Your fault for picking that particular location to park your boat. Go move elsewhere.
Moving to a city and then complaining about it does not make you seem cool. It makes you seem like an asshole. If you don't like the town, MOVE.
I can't even count how many times I've had to endure being gawked-at, yelled-at, or quacked-at by these nimrods from their boat/truck things, usually while waiting for my bus at Westlake center to commute home after work. After having lived in Seattle for many years now, I can see why people living in cities with lots of tourism (i.e. Paris, New York, etc.) tend to have a less-than-welcoming attitude towards tourists who view them as "scenery".

And for those of you giving the OP a hard time because he happens to live on a house boat... so what? I guarantee you'll feel different if the Duck tours expand into other Seattle neighborhoods, and you have to deal with their bullshit while taking out your recycling bin.
Anonymous just told us where he lives. Not very good at anonymity.
I kind of love the ducks. One time I saw this middle-aged homeless guy standing on 1st and pike, where they turn right. As the duck came arround, he honked this wierd duck call things and yelled at them "give me your money! You want to give me your money! QUACKQUACK!".

AND THEY TOTALLY DID. it rained all over him. What a guy.
I enjoy seeing people enjoying themselves iin my city. Love the ducks. Keep on quackin'
I. Fucking. Hate. The. Ducks. They're noisy, loud, obnoxious, and a traffic hazard! They're wider than one lane and slow traffic to a crawl, in traffic that is already a nightmare! FUCK THE FUCKING DUCKS UP THEIR FEATHERY FUCKING ASSES! As to 'oh, poor baby, you chose to live next to the boat ramp...', most actual BOATS don't make such an ASSLOAD of noise, and your average boat owner/launcher is more preoccupied with getting a boat in/out of the water, not gawking at residents as if they're just part of the scenic tour! WHERE IS ELMER FUDD WHEN YOU NEED HIM? HUNTING SEASON IS ON!
Summer will be over soon and the "Ducks" will be gone. Admit it, you love the ducks.
Almost every evening commute this time of year, I end up trying to merge onto the northbound lanes of Aurora at Denny with a couple of duckboats. If I'm lucky, I'll get right in front of one in the double lanes and straddle them, so they can't push up about 10 car lengths in the right-hand lane and cut in ahead of everyone else. I imagine the driver's faces turning all flushed thinking about the asshole in front of them who's slowing them down and throwing their schedule all-to-fuck.

It's a pretty good feeling, I have to say...
As a
I both hate and love the ducks.
Saw this comment on reddit about this IAnon and LoL'ed.

"Fuck them? I heard they have 13 inch explosive corkscrew penises"…
I can't speak to @49's experience as I don't go on the water, but judging by their driving on land, I suspect his point is valid.

I understand we should all be willing to accept some inconvenience to help attract tourists and the associated economic benefits, but the Ducks are straight dangerous. It's a vehicle the size of a truck, wider than the average truck, being driven by someone who is completely distracted by being a tour guide.

At a minimum, the Ducks should have to have a guide who doesn't drive, and measures to help the driver concentrate (no music/other bullshit in busy driving areas). As it is, those things are dangerous as fuck. It's just a matter of time until they run over a pedestrian.

Don't have much sympathy for the OP and his awesome boat though.
I'm sorry you have to live on a house boat. That must be terrible.
Whenever I start missing Seattle too much I read the comments on a post like this. Really is a PNW special to suggest calling 911 for a noise complaint, @40.
I also live and work next to the Duck route and passionately hate them. Not just for the noise, but also because they ridicule and gawk at my neighborhood. Its vulgar and disrespectful, fuck em.
Used to see the asshole duck driver in the captain's hat that blasts YMCA every 5 minutes driving the duck back to the lot by himself every night. And every time he was blasting YMCA. He's very obviously seriously mentally ill.

This weekend, inside the shop where I work, I heard your 84th most popular piece of shit of all time: "U Can't Touch This". It was being played from the loudspeakers of the Ride the Ducks of Seattle Tour, and the "music hit, so hard..." that even from one hundred feet away, it drowned out the small radio right next to me.

I heard that piece of shit song five or six times that day, interspersed periodically with Peter Gabriel's piece of shit: "Sledgehammer". Similarly, I've heard one or the other of those two pieces of shit for an average of about ten times a day on Saturdays and Sundays for years. And, since I still have a soul, unlike yourselves, Peter Gabriel, or the Duck drivers, having to hear those shitty songs that many times a day still bothers me, even after all of these years.

But this weekend, I had a new thought. I wondered whether Ride the Ducks of Seattle have paid adequate protection money to ASCAP to cover that kind of usage for your shitty music. Since ASCAP and BMI exist at approximately the same level of soulless public nuisance as the Ducks, I can think of no more poetic justice than each of your organization's shitty lawyers shitting on each other forever while struggling to squeeze the last possible penny into the place where once, you presumably had souls, too.

A Concerned Citizen
76… You can't run over us all, ducks. your time is coming, there will be a reckoning.
Call a wahhhhmbulance.
For your information, I actually did call a wahhhhmbulance about them and they came right over, sirens blaring, and gave me a hug.
Today Fuck the Ducks killed four people and seriously injured 20 on the Aurora Bridge, when a wheel fell off one of their vehicles, causing it to collide with a bus full of students. I called every member of the City Council to express my view that Fuck the Ducks should be banned from City streets forever. The WW II-era amphibious vehicles are top-heavy, unwieldy and dangerous and have no business operating in a city. I urge you to join me in helping to get Fuck the Duck off our streets.

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