Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave mercy!

As you know, I'm always in search of my next "gravy train." You know, a person or scheme that will make me rich beyond my wildest dreams—although I would never say no to an actual train filled with gravy. Recent gravy trains include my plan to marry a rich old person... but Warren Buffett wasn't interested. Another involved inventing an app that would notify ice-cream trucks to drive by your house... kind of like an Uber for adult-onset diabetics. But that idea blew up after learning my customer base is primarily morbidly obese 10-year-olds whose parents refuse to further fatten up their kids. HEY, DUMB PARENTS! IT'S NOT MY FAULT ICE CREAM IS DELICIOUS!

Well, I recently stumbled onto a new potential gravy train called "your nostalgic need for crappy reboots of Full House." As you may have heard, Netflix is producing a reboot of the 1980s sitcom classic Full House to be called Fuller House. Spoiler alert: THAT IS A TERRIBLE NAME. Already signed up to star are Candace Cameron Bure (big sis D.J. Tanner), Jodie Sweetin (middle sis Stephanie Tanner), and Andrea Barber (neighbor Kimmy Gibbler), who shack up to help raise D.J.'s twin boys. Uncle Jesse (hunky mullet-owner John Stamos) will guest star, and plans to bring on Bob Saget, Dave Coulier, Lori Loughlin, and Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen (SQUEEEEEEEEE!!!) are in the works.

Everybody in the world knows this show is going to suck hippo anus—and yet? There is money to be made off your nostalgia addiction, my friend! And nobody knows this better than the Lifetime network, which—after achieving wild success with its horrific The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story—is hitching its wagon up to this nostalgia-driven project and is currently casting the made-for-TV movie Unauthorized Full House Story. A woefully unoriginal idea? YES, IT IS! Do they care? NO, THEY DO NOT! And do I want in on this gravy-train action? YES, I MOST CERTAINLY DO.

Sure, I could spend the rest of my days dreaming up brilliant, original ideas—but those don't put gravy in the train, my friend! The dumb people of the world know that recycling crappy ideas is the only way to make maximum buckage (aka dollars, aka mucho dinero, aka moolah-lah). And with that, here is MY $$$$-earning idea to cash in on the Full House craze. It's called "The Most Fullest House Experience!" and here's how it works: You pay me to move you into a San Francisco house that you share with two other guys and three small girls (actually four small girls, because two are twins... who are never in the same room at the same time but share a name). So basically, you become either a stick-in-the-mud dad, a really bad comedian, or a dude with a mullet—and you spend your days in the worst communal living situation in the universe. But on the upside? There's always a laugh track!

You'll stay there for 18 years until the girls graduate, while paying for all living expenses, as well as their college. And I'll charge you only $100,000 per year—which may sound a tad expensive... but what price "nostalgia," am I right? recommended


WEDNESDAY, MAY 6

8:00 TLC I STILL DIDN’T KNOW I WAS PREGNANT

More dramatic re-creations of people giving birth on toilets. Yay?

10:00 ABC NASHVILLE

Juliette may have postpartum depression (but she wasn’t fun to be around prepartum, either).

THURSDAY, MAY 7

10:00 SPIKE LIP SYNCH BATTLE

Brit comedian Stephen Merchant takes on Swedish actress/hottie Malin Akerman!

10:30 FX LOUIE

Louie takes Jane to the doctor—and exhibits an uncommonly poor knowledge of female anatomy.

FRIDAY, MAY 8

3:00 am NETFLIX GRACE AND FRANKIE

Debut! Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin star as two enemies whose husbands run off with each other.

SATURDAY, MAY 9

8:00 STARZ OUTLANDER

Claire and Jenny team up to rescue Jamie from those dickwads, the Redcoats.

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Host: Reese Witherspoon. Cohost: Reese Witherspoon’s chin.

SUNDAY, MAY 10

9:30 SHO HAPPYISH

Thom is instructed on the meaning of suffering by “Catholicism” and the “Geico gecko.”

10:00 AMC MAD MEN

Don has trouble sleeping, but only because his life is falling apart.

MONDAY, MAY 11

9:00 CW JANE THE VIRGIN

Season finale! Jane goes into labor and tries out for TLC’s I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.

TUESDAY, MAY 12

9:00 ABC AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

Season finale! In this two-hour season finale, Coulson starts a war within S.H.I.E.L.D.—after burning popcorn in the microwave.

10:30 COM INSIDE AMY SCHUMER

Amy directs a pizza commercial and interviews a gigolo in the funniest sketch show on TV!

Full of tweets! @WmSteveHumphrey