Clear your schedules, buttholes! The Mad Men series finale is this Sunday, May 17 (AMC, 10 pm)—and if creator Matthew Weiner's past is any indication, the poop is gonna smack the fan! As you remember, Weiner also created The Sopranos and the now-famous "blackout" scene at the end of the series, which left viewers screaming in confusion over the fate of Tony Soprano. WELL, MR. SMARTY-PANTS WEINER! Just to make sure you're not pulling any similar shenanigans, I'm writing a little thing called "Wm.™ Steven Humphrey's Five Most Brilliant Mad Men Theories™ That Will Be Absolutely 100 Percent Correct™!" Now try to bamboozle us, Mr. Shenanigan!
• Joan Holloway Causes the Beatles to Break Up! Sure, everybody blames Yoko Ono for causing the 1970 split of the Fab Four. But actually, Joan quits McCann Erickson to manage Apple Records, where the Beatles fall hopelessly in love with her. Joan picks Paul—of course—causing the other members to explode in fury... particularly John, who exacts his revenge on the earth by hooking up with Yoko and writing some of the worst music ever. Nice going, Joan!
• Pete Campbell Gets Run Over by the Lawn Mower from Season 3! Remember that rampaging lawn mower that ran amok in Sterling Cooper and cut off the foot of their limey boss? We never heard from the lawn mower again, right? Because it kept going! It's been circling Central Park this entire time, waiting patiently to maul its true, original target—Pete Campbell. (Cutting off the limey's foot was just bloody icing on the cake.)
• Roger Sterling's Mustache Inspires the World's Greatest Mustaches! Roger doesn't quit advertising... he becomes a mustache model! And he's so successful, he inspires the great mustaches of the 1970s, including Burt Reynolds, Billy Dee Williams, Sam Elliott, and Tom Selleck. Unfortunately, Roger's mustache tragically dies in a 1978 lawn-mower accident, causing Roger to lose his fortune and become a greeter at Walmart.
• Peggy Olson Magically Becomes US Secretary of State Madeleine Albright! Look, I don't know how she does it... it's just "magic," okay? Urrrrrghhhh. FINE. How about this: Unhappy at McCann Erickson, Peggy's visited by a magic donkey whose only power is turning people into Secretary of State Madeleine Albright. And Peggy's like, "Sure... don't have anything else cooking. Why not?" So she becomes Madeleine Albright, who goes on to travel the world, championing human rights and global environmental standards and knocking Saddam Hussein's eyeball out during an argument over who really broke up the Beatles. (Spoiler alert: It was Joan.)
• Don Draper Wants to Be US Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, Too... but He Can't! Insanely jealous that Peggy/Madeleine Albright gets to knock Saddam Hussein's eyeball out, he begs the magic donkey to let him be Madeleine Albright, too. "Are you nuts?" cries the magic donkey. "There can't be TWO Madeleine Albrights, idiot. Besides, you've already changed your identity once, so EFF OFF." Despondent, Don legally changes his name back to Dick Whitman, and in the last shot of the show is seen climbing aboard the rampaging lawn mower (which is blasting Beatles music). Then he rides into Iraq in order to run over Saddam Hussein's eyeball... aaaaand BLACKOUT!
WEDNESDAY, MAY 13
8:00 CW ARROW
Season finale! Ra’s al Ghul’s plan to end the Arrow team turns out to be a pretty decent plan overall.
10:00 ABC NASHVILLE
Season finale! Juliette puts her concert tour over everything… including her own baby? MONSTER!!
THURSDAY, MAY 14
9:00 FOX WAYWARD PINES
Debut! A show about a creepy town no one can escape from, starring Matt Dillon and Terrance Howard, and created by M. Night Shyamalan!
10:00 IFC MARON
Season premiere! Marc’s girlfriend forces him to hang out… with a child. MONSTER!!
FRIDAY, MAY 15
8:00 NBC GRIMM
Season finale! Nick wants revenge on the Royals—who I also hate, just because of their name.
SATURDAY, MAY 16
8:00 STARZ OUTLANDER
While in prison, Jamie receives an uncomfortable (understatement) visit from gay sadist Black Jack.
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Season finale! With host Louis C.K. and musical guest Rihanna!
SUNDAY, MAY 17
10:00 AMC MAD MEN
Series finale! Watch out for that lawn mower!!
10:30 HBO VEEP
Selina attends a pancake brunch—and is totally ignored by the press. (At least there are pancakes!)
MONDAY, MAY 18
9:00 ABC THE BACHELORETTE
Season premiere! Dear people who continue to be on this show: What will it take for you to learn your lesson?!?
TUESDAY, MAY 19
8:00 CW THE FLASH
Season finale! As the gang prepares to battle the Rogues Gallery, they stop to ponder, “What’s a ‘Rogues Gallery’?”
9:00 NBC THE VOICE
Season finale! The best “voice” in America is chosen, and is never heard from again.
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