Nobody gets amnesia anymore. And no, I'm not sure why... do I look like a goddamn doctor to you? A goddamn brain-science major? All I know is I googled "amnesia news," and the only story that came up was one about how the entire country has seemingly forgotten that George W. Bush was AN EFFING TERRIBLE PRESIDENT. While the previous statement is absolutely true, what the American people are experiencing isn't straight-up "amnesia"—because while they may be conveniently forgetting that Bush lied his way into starting a war with Iraq, they're still capable of remembering their own names, what they do for a living, and their HBO GO passwords. That's not amnesia, people. That's the mental equivalent of horse blinders.
HOWEVER! I think this "lack of amnesia" thing is due to the decreasing number of people getting hit on the head with hammers. Only 20 years ago, people were getting hit on the head with hammers on the regular (at least on TV), which would be immediately followed by hilarious high jinks—like Urkel turning from a bespectacled nerd into a hot stud. But now we live in the "internet age"—an age where most millennials don't even know what a hammer is, much less own one. Seriously, if you ask a millennial to pick a hammer out of a toolbox, they'll pull out their earbuds and say: "What's that? Sorry... I was listening to an NPR podcast about the extinction of the American laborer."
Anyway... wait... I forgot what I was talking about... OH! Amnesia. Anyway, I was just about to write off amnesia as one of those ancient maladies no one gets anymore like polio, rickets, and pregnancy, when I discovered a new show debuting this week called Dark Matter (Syfy, Fri June 12, 10 pm).
Based on the Dark Horse comic series, Dark Matter tells the science-fictionalized story of a dead spaceship floating around somewhere in the galaxy whose six inhabitants wake up to realize they... waaaaaitasecond... can't remember a goddamn thing! ("Who's president? George W. Bush? Hope not!") However, as they begin to explore their unrecognizable home, slowly they begin to rediscover their natural talents—one can fly the ship, one is a weapons expert, another looks really hot in a tank top. Eventually, they meet the person responsible for wiping their memories and discover the reason it happened—as it turns out, our heroes are actually the villains! WHAAAAAA? RECORD SCRATCH! TUGBOAT WHISTLE! SUBMARINE DIVING SOUND! OLD BED CREAKING THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE'S HAVING SEX!
If Dark Matter is anything like the comic-book series, you can expect lots of mystery, political intrigue, fistfighting, and forgetful villains who actually turn out to be sweetie pies. PLUS! It's produced by the same folks who created the Stargate franchise—shows famous for fun, adventure, and laughs, so don't expect Dark Matter to be too dark. Just dark enough.
But what makes me furious about this show is that the characters' amnesia was not caused by getting hit on the head with a hammer! It's like people don't care anymore about hammer-induced amnesiacs, or that President Bush was a jerk, and... and... TAKE YOUR EARBUDS OUT AND LISTEN TO MEEEEE!!
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 10
9:00 NBC AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR
Season premiere! If you like watching hot shirtless guys run impossible obstacle courses, I have the show for you!
9:00 OXY THE PRANCING ELITES PROJECT
The Prancing Elites perform at a bingo parlor… and change lives forever.
THURSDAY, JUNE 11
9:00 CW IHEARTRADIO SUMMER POOL PARTY
Nicki Minaj, Chris Brown, and a bunch of half-naked douchebags and douchebaguettes.
10:00 NBC HANNIBAL
Will chases Hannibal to Italy only to find he’s already eaten half the population.
FRIDAY, JUNE 12
3:00 am NETFLIX ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK
Season premiere! Piper and the gang return for another season of complicated incarceration.
SATURDAY, JUNE 13
10:00 BBCA JONATHAN STRANGE & MR. NORRELL
Debut! A Brit series about two magicians affecting politics during the Napoleonic Wars. Sounds boring!
11:00 COM JEFF ROSS ROASTS CRIMINALS
Roast master Jeff Ross insults the inmates at Brazos County Jail. (Say your final good-byes to Jeff, everybody!)
SUNDAY, JUNE 14
9:00 HBO GAME OF THRONES
Season finale! I guess they ran out of ways to rape each other.
10:30 HBO VEEP
Season finale! State results are announced on election night, causing Selina and her staff to lose their minds.
MONDAY, JUNE 15
10:00 AMC MAKING OF THE MOB: NEW YORK
Debut! An eight-part docudrama about mob life in the early 1900s, featuring gangster “Lucky” Luciano.
TUESDAY, JUNE 16
10:00 TNT PROOF
Debut! Jennifer Beals investigates reincarnation. (Maybe she’ll be reincarnated as her character from Flashdance?)
10:00 COM AMY SCHUMER: MOSTLY SEX STUFF
Amy Schumer’s hilarious comedy special, which, as the title indicates, is mostly about her “catching dick.”
I can’t remember my Twitter handle: @WmSteveHumphrey