I hope you're all satisfied! I GOT A VASECTOMY. And believe me, it wasn't my choice. My choice would've been to continue the national baby-making spree I've enjoyed for decades—because why shouldn't the world be covered with lots of li'l Humpies? AMIRITE? But times have changed, and apparently having a baby that looks exactly like me has fallen out of style. However! While my multitude of partners may no longer desire my sperm, THEY STILL WANT THAT HOT HUMPY "SEX," BELIEVE YOU ME! And hence? The vasectomy. Sometimes you have to bend to the will of the people.
That being said, vasectomies are great if you like lying around on the couch with a bag of frozen peas on your scrotum. They're also great if you don't mind your penis looking like Rocky Balboa after fighting Clubber Lang. But the most baffling thing about vasectomies is that you're still supposed to use condoms for three months after the snipping! WHAAAT THAAA FAAAACK?? That's like asking a Kentucky Derby racehorse to count to 100 before taking off down the track!
My quack of a doctor explains I have to use the condoms because my sperm doesn't know the game is over and is still hiding out down there—kind of like Japanese soldiers at the end of World War II. The good news is that in order to coax them out, I get to masturbate... A LOT! (Which is not such good news for my employer and office mates.)
ANYWAY! This week, I hope you'll all join me on the couch with a bag of frozen peas to watch these three shows you won't want to snip!
True Detective (HBO, Sun Aug 9, 9 pm): Sure, it wasn't as philosophically somber as season one... but season two of True Detective has made up for it with loads of unintentional hilarity! Whether it was Colin Farrell's douchey mustache or Rachel McAdams's e-cigs and knife collection, True Detective is now less of a grumpy-dump mystery than a dishy soap opera... and is all the better for it. Tonight is the season finale, when we find out who killed Caspere the Pervy Ghost and, more importantly, who's buried inside Vince Vaughn's eyebags!
I Am Chris Farley (Spike, Mon Aug 10, 9 pm): For those who loved the mid-'90s cast of Saturday Night Live, you'll also love this documentary covering the life of the late, great Chris Farley. Best known for his famous half-nude Chippendales sketch (with Patrick Swayze), or perhaps as the motivational speaker who "lives in a VAN! Down by the RIVER!!" Farley's life was equally brilliant and sad—and this film captures it all. Don't miss it!
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (Comedy Central, Thu Aug 6, 11 pm): Guys! It's Jon Stewart's final Daily Show, and a great opportunity to ruminate on how he's changed the face of news. By calling constant bullshit on politicians on both sides of the aisle, and the irresponsible "get there first" reporting of news outlets (oh hello, CNN), Stewart trained us to be media and political watchdogs—and the world is a better place because of him. (Just like my sperm! Though I won't miss those guys as much.)
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 5
8:00 CW AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL
Season premiere! It’s another “Girls vs. Guys” competition. (Can’t we all just get along?)
9:00 NBC MR. ROBINSON
Debut! Craig Robinson (The Office) plays a musician-turned-substitute-teacher in this sitcom that might not be terrible?
THURSDAY, AUGUST 6
10:00 SPIKE LIP SYNC BATTLE
Tonight the broads of the hilarious Broad City (Abbi Jacobson and Ilana Glazer) go head-to-head!
11:00 COM THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART
It’s Jon’s last day on the show. Oh crap! Did anyone remember to bring cake?
FRIDAY, AUGUST 7
10:00 HBO REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER
Season premiere! Kind of like The Daily Show with Jon Stewart for really angry people.
10:30 E! COMMENT SECTION
Debut! The day’s top news stories and what commenters had to say about them. (STAB STAB STAB DIE.)
SATURDAY, AUGUST 8
10:00 NBC HANNIBAL
When a serial killer is on the loose, Will comes crawling back to Hannibal—just like we always knew he would!
SUNDAY, AUGUST 9
9:00 HBO TRUE DETECTIVE
Season finale! The mystery behind Ani’s stupid e-cigarette habit is finally solved.
10:00 SHO MASTERS OF SEX
Johnson’s parents come to visit, which makes the sex study even more awkward than usual.
MONDAY, AUGUST 10
9:00 SPIKE I AM CHRIS FARLEY—Movie
(2015) A terrific documentary about the life and death of one of SNL’s greatest.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 11
9:00 CBS ZOO
Jackson is intrigued by the idea of a vasectomy performed by a lion. DON’T DO IT!!
10:00 ESQUIRE THE AGENTS
Debut! A reality series about the second-most-boring people next to football players—the people who represent them. BURN.
Snip-snips of my life. @WmSteveHumphrey