MONDAY, MARCH 9 This week of foul fraternization, sputtering Scientologists, and literally shitty legal proceedings kicked off with Bill Cosby, who today issued his first public statement since dozens of women reported being sexually assaulted by the comedy legend over the past four decades. The statement came in the form of a short video released by Cosby, accompanied by the written introduction: "Dear fans, I hope you enjoy my wonderful video message that's filled with laughter... Hey, hey, hey, I'm far from finished." Unfortunately, the accompanying video was not wonderful and contained not a shred of laughter, instead consisting of the 77-year-old Cosby in his pajamas sitting next to a rotary-dial telephone, on which he is having an imaginary conversation with someone he's encouraging to come to his show: "You know I'll be hilarious," mumbles Cosby, to the sound of crickets and slowly failing organs. In closing, allow us to share testimony from one of Cosby's most recent accusers: Jewel Allison, who wrote of her experience in the Washington Post. "Like many of the women who say they were assaulted by Bill Cosby, it took me two decades to gain the courage to reveal it publicly. His accusers—mostly white, so far—have faced retaliation, humiliation, and skepticism by coming forward. As an African American woman, I felt the stakes for me were even higher. Historic images of black men being vilified en masse as sexually violent sent chills through my body. Telling my story wouldn't only help bring down Cosby; I feared it would undermine the entire African American community." From this gut-punch opening, Allison lays out her struggle of conflicted allegiance, with her decisive realization that the "only legacy at stake is of one entertainer, not of black manhood" finally driving her to speak out. "Soon after I told my story, I ran into a successful African American photographer who asked me, 'Sister, is it true?' The tone of his question made it sound like our father had died. 'I'm sorry, brother, but it is true. Do not let this weaken you in any way,' I told him." Thank you, Jewel Allison.

TUESDAY, MARCH 10 Meanwhile in Oklahoma, members of the Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity spent today abruptly moving out of their University of Oklahoma frat house, from which they were banished after members were caught on video singing a violently racist song. Description of the stomach-churning performance comes from CNN: "The students on the bus clap and pump their fists as they boisterously chant, 'There will never be a ni**** at SAE. You can hang him from a tree, but he can never sign with me.'" It was some foul, foul shit, and Last Days is happy to report that the president of the University of Oklahoma said so publicly. "I have a message for those who have misused their freedom of speech in this way," said president David Boren at a campus rally on Sunday night. "My message to them is: You're disgraceful. You have violated every principle that this university stands for."

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 11 It's a question that has bounced around the universe since the big shebang, most recently finding a home in advertisements for the United Parcel Service: "What can brown do for you?" The week continued with an unfortunate attempt at an answer out of Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, where police say a man attempted to avoid arrest by rolling in dog feces. "[Officers] said they observed a man jump from the curb line in front of several moving vehicles," reported the Times Leader. "Officers made contact with [the man] and found him to be allegedly under the influence of drugs or alcohol." When police threatened to arrest the man, he reportedly dove on the pavement to roll around in dog feces. "He then allegedly stated that officers could not arrest him because he is 'covered in [expletive],' police said." The man was given a citation and held in custody until he was sober.

THURSDAY, MARCH 12 In better news, the week continued with a story out of Kenosha, Wisconsin, that will warm your motherfucking heart. The central star in this star-packed story: Desiree Andrews, a 14-year-old student at Lincoln Middle School, where she's a member of the eighth-grade cheerleading squad. Andrews also has Down syndrome, and "last season, she was the target of derogatory comments, faces, and bullying coming from some students in the home bleachers during a basketball game," as the Kenosha News reported. "In a real sports hero moment, members of the Knights basketball team Miles Rodriguez, Scooter Terrien, and Chase Vazquez left the floor during a timeout to tell the bullies to knock it off." Since that heartening showdown and its subsequent virality, Andrews—who was inspired to try out for her school's squad after seeing the cheerleader with Down syndrome on Glee—has rightly emerged as the star of this story. But as Desiree's grateful father told Kenosha News, "It didn't start out that way. It started out when some fine young men stood up for her in a bullying situation. I didn't want to lose track of that. I don't want to take away from what those boys did."

FRIDAY, MARCH 13 Nothing happened today, unless you count the second Friday the 13th of 2015 or Common's birthday.

SATURDAY, MARCH 14 If there's one thing Last Days loves, it's a notorious bully being reduced to a sputtering, foolish mess. And so it is with great pleasure that we report on the hilarious recent doings of the Church of Scientology, which is gripped in a full-scale freak-out in advance of HBO's broadcast of Going Clear: Scientology and the Prison of Belief, Alex Gibney's documentary based on Lawrence Wright's deeply damning book Going Clear. Scientology's campaign against the documentary is being waged across multiple mediums, from full-page print ads to "in-stream" advertising on YouTube videos. (A 90-second clip of Grace Jones performing on Pee-wee's Playhouse Christmas Special, for example, is preceded by a seven-minute Scientology video denouncing Gibney and Going Clear.) Hilariously, the Church of Scientology and its "Freedom Media Ethics" campaign have offered zero repudiation of Going Clear's portrait of the church as an abusive cult, instead focusing on personal attacks of former church members who served as sources for Going Clear. A sample "sponsored tweet" from Freedom Media Ethics: "Which @AlexGibneyFilm #GoingClear subject charged rent to daughter w/special needs child?" Fittingly, Scientology's substance-free sputtering has only served to amp up interest in Going Clear, which airs on HBO on March 29. Don't miss it!

SUNDAY, MARCH 15 Speaking of HBO documentaries, tonight brought the finale of The Jinx, Andrew Jarecki's six-part documentary about Robert Durst and the plethora of murder allegations that have accumulated around this aggravatingly unjailed real-estate heir. In a freaky twist, tonight's final episode was spoiled by real-life events, as this morning's news brought reports of the arrest of Robert Durst on a first-degree murder charge in New Orleans. Here's hoping some similarly freaky overlap occurs with the Church of Scientology and HBO's Going Clear.

Send hot tips to lastdays@thestranger.com and follow me on Twitter @davidschmader. (And always remember to turn off your lavalier microphone before confessing to killing people.)