MONDAY, MARCH 16 This week of crappy frats, creepy racial outreach, and the wholesale transformation of Marion "Suge" Knight from a notoriously violent rap mogul into a continuously collapsing crybaby kicks off in the world of professional American football, which today was rocked by an abrupt resignation. The abrupt resigner: Chris Borland, a 24-year-old linebacker for the San Francisco 49ers, who announced he's leaving pro football—and walking away from a four-year, $2.9 million contract—to avoid the long-term health risks of the game. "Within hours, Borland was transformed into a new face of a league that generates $9 billion in annual revenue and accounted for 45 of the 50 most-watched television shows last fall," reported the Los Angeles Times. "He is young and healthy and known for on-field toughness. His best years and biggest paychecks were in front of him. But Borland decided that football's potential consequences loomed larger than millions of dollars." Chief among those looming potential consequences are the serious neurocognitive conditions that afflict an estimated one in three retired NFL players. "At least six players are living with Lou Gehrig's disease," reported the Times. "Another nine have killed themselves since 2010. And the brains of 76 of 79 deceased retired players examined at Boston University showed signs of chronic traumatic encephalopathy, a devastating neurodegenerative disease." As Borland—who is exactly the type of thumb-headed, gnome-faced dreamboat who makes Last Days swoon—told ESPN, "I just don't want to get in a situation where I'm negotiating my health for money. Who knows how many hits is too many?"

TUESDAY, MARCH 17 Speaking of abrupt resignations, the week continued with a decisive day in the life of Aaron Schock, the 33-year-old politician from Illinois who sped through a precocious political career—earning a seat in the Illinois legislature by age 23 and a spot in the US House of Representatives by age 27—before abruptly resigning today amid an ever-thickening haze of ethical and legal problems. Hilariously relevant to today's revelations: Downton Abbey, the BBC/PBS costume drama that famously inspired the renovation of Schock's Washington, DC, office. This fact at first seemed like just another of Schock's gaudy taunts from the closet (Schock is the rare congressman with both an antigay voting record and a history of following "Olympic twink" Tom Daley on Instagram), but later prompted people to ask where a junior congressman got the money for such an extravagant overhaul (among the notable features: blood-red walls, voluminous pheasant feathers, and a motherfucking chandelier). The next thing you knew, Schock was repaying the government $40,000 to cover the Downton makeover and hiring notable attorneys and most likely regretting the extensive photo documentation of him jetting around the globe in high style, especially since much of this documentation was performed by Schock's personal photographer, a tall, handsome man that Schock flew around the globe while failing to properly identify him on official documents. Yesterday brought news of an investigation of Schock by the Office of Congressional Ethics and questions from Politico about the 170,000 miles in travel reimbursements Schock claimed on a car that had just 80,000 miles on its odometer, and today Schock responded to the frantically ballooning mess by announcing his resignation, effective March 31. Later this week, the Associated Press will report that the Justice Department has launched an investigation into Schock's congressional expenses and business deals, and Schock's father will robotically tell a Chicago news station how his not-gay son might very well be going to prison. In closing, a fact from Blue Nation Review, perfectly befitting a man so vain that his abs were on a magazine cover: The ever-precocious Schock now holds the distinction of being the youngest congressman ever to resign in disgrace.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 18 Speaking of massively failed endeavors, the week continued at Starbucks, which this week rolled out its #RaceTogether outreach program, wherein Starbucks baristas were tasked with randomly instigating conversations about race with customers. Details come from the Guardian, which got its hands on the #RaceTogether briefing paper from Starbucks's head office: "With racial tension, protests, and violence happening across our country, in the same neighborhoods where our stores are located and where our partners and customers live and work, we cannot ignore our community role in fostering empathy and understanding," read the brief, which also stipulated that all 7,000 Starbucks stores across the United States should participate in the program. For commentary, Last Days turns to a Guardian writer who also happens to be a Stranger writer: Ijeoma Oluo, who got to the heart of the ploy's total conceptual failure. "If a white barista really hands a black person like me a latte and expects her to talk about race, she'd better not have to pay for the coffee," wrote Oluo. "Snark aside, #RaceTogether isn't just a bad idea—it's a harmful one. Starbucks is a very diverse company, and reports that 40 percent of its employees [are] minorities—a commendable number. But... it is not in any way appropriate to even suggest that those [low-wage minority] employees engage in racial public relations on your behalf... You can't have an honest conversation about race with people whom you also have to make happy in order to pay your rent." By the start of next week, Starbucks will have officially killed the promotion/provocation.

THURSDAY, MARCH 19 The week continued with the mandatory story about shitty behavior by an American fraternity. The site of today's scandal: good old Penn State, where the Kappa Delta Rho fraternity is under police investigation after allegedly posting photos of naked and unconscious women on Facebook. "Some of the postings were of nude females that appeared to be passed out and nude or in other sexual or embarrassing positions," police told Philadelphia magazine. "It appears from the photos provided that the individuals in the photos are not aware that the photos had been taken." Appended to one group of such photos was a comment from one of the Facebook page's members: "Lol delete those or we will be on cnn in a week"—a bit of prophesy that proved true, as this week the story landed on MSNBC, NBC, ABC, and many more news sites. The university has suspended the frat, and authorities say involved parties could face charges of harassment and invasion of privacy.

FRIDAY, MARCH 20 In lighter news, the week continued in a Los Angeles courtroom, where today a judge ordered Marion "Suge" Knight to be held on $25 million bail on charges of murder, attempted murder, and hit-and-run, soon after which the six-foot-four, 49-year-old Knight collapsed on the floor. "The collapse marked the fourth time that Knight has been taken by ambulance from a courthouse since he was charged with killing Terry Carter, 55, in early February," reported the Associated Press. "[Deputy District Attorney Cynthia Barnes] filed a motion Thursday accusing Knight of being part of a scheme that has extorted more than $10 million from up-and-coming and established rappers in recent years."

SATURDAY, MARCH 21 Nothing happened today.

SUNDAY, MARCH 22 Ditto. recommended

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