The truth hurts... but not as much as whooping cough. Shutterstock

MONDAY, APRIL 13 This week of maligned marijuana, enlightened anti-vaxxers, and photographic evidence of rape culture in action kicked off in the for-profit torture chamber of a commercial airliner, where the typically hellish experience of flying—built on the theory that all humans are lithe creatures whose arms hang down the front of their bodies like suspenders rather than progress outward from their shoulders like arms—took an exceedingly mind-fucky turn thanks to the screams heard coming from the cargo hold. Our setting: the airspace just south of Sea-Tac International Airport, where this afternoon, passengers on an Alaska Airlines flight headed for Los Angeles reported hearing bangs and screams coming from beneath the cabin. The source of the bangs and screams: the Alaska Airlines ramp agent who had fallen asleep in the plane's cargo hold and awoke when the plane took flight. "The pilot of Alaska Airlines Flight 448, bound for Los Angeles, reported hearing noises from beneath the aircraft within 14 minutes of taking off Monday afternoon," reported the Seattle Times. "The captain declared an emergency for priority landing and returned to Sea-Tac... The flight duration, including takeoff and landing, was 22 minutes." Lucky for the sleepy but uninjured ramp agent, the cargo hold of the Boeing 737-900 is pressurized and temperature controlled, and the drug test he was made to take this evening was negative.

TUESDAY, APRIL 14 Meanwhile in Canada, the week continued with the brutally heartening story of Tara Hills, the anti-vaccination advocate in Ottawa who changed her mind about the evils of vaccines after all seven of her children came down with whooping cough. As the Washington Post reported, Hills held forth on her reasons for questioning vaccines in a post published last week at "We stopped [vaccinations] because we were scared and didn't know who to trust," wrote Hills. "Was the medical community just paid off puppets of a Big Pharma-Government-Media conspiracy? Were these vaccines even necessary in this day and age? Were we unwittingly doing greater harm than help to our beloved children? So much smoke must mean a fire, so we defaulted to the 'do nothing and hope nothing bad happens' position." This position ultimately resulted in Hills being quarantined at home with her seven whooping-cough-ridden children, and the horrible orchestra of racking coughs and wheezes inspired her come-to-vaccinating-Jesus moment. "Right now my family is living the consequences of misinformation and fear," wrote Hills, further expounding on her conversion to the Washington Post: "I set out to prove that we were right and in the process found out how wrong we were." Happily, the Hills children have all recovered from their bouts of pertussis and begun remedial vaccination schedules. In closing, a final word from mom Tara, who told the Post: "People like me who were hesitant, who were confused, who froze, we can be reached if people use the right approach." (Apparently, "the right approach" is praying that kids of anti-vaxxers get sick enough to scare their parents into sanity without ruining herd immunity or actually dying. Got it.)

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 15 In worse news, the week continues in Panama City, Florida, where the annual ritual of spring break brought forth a humanity-damning scene, in which a reveler on a sunny beach shot cell-phone video of a group of young men sexually assaulting an incapacitated young woman while dozens of people stood nearby and paid no mind. This week, the video found its way to the police, who queasily described its "disgusting," "repulsive," "sickening" contents to the media. "According to [Bay County sheriff Frank] McKeithen, people are clearly standing in the vicinity of the crime, and voices can be heard off camera commenting on what is happening," reports Worse, as Sheriff McKeithen told CNN, "This is not the first video we've recovered. It's not the second video. It's not the third video. There are a number of videos we've recovered with things similar to this, and I can only imagine how many things we haven't recovered." And so we come to the point in history where a major mainstream news source is compelled to lay out the basics of rape culture: "The term refers to a social environment in which the sexual mistreatment of women is accepted and even expected as a fact of life, and a climate of entitlement and know-nothing attitude serves to protect perpetrators," reported HLN. "For some, this latest brutal incident is further proof that somewhere along the line, people have become so desensitized to sexual misconduct, they will stand by as it happens, and even video it for fun." As of today, three suspects—22-year-old Delonte Martistee, 23-year-old Ryan Austin Calhoun, and 21-year-old George Davon Kennedy, all students at Southern universities—have been arrested on charges of sexual assault by multiple perpetrators. Stay tuned, and if you happen to be the type of person who sees a defenseless human and thinks "Free sex!" instead of "Get help"—get help.

THURSDAY, APRIL 16 In stupider news, the week continues with Chris Christie, the famously shit-filled governor of New Jersey who today secured Last Days' enmity by peddling some evil bullshit about the dangers of marijuana. As CNN reported, Christie was speaking to conservative Iowa radio host Hugh Hewitt today when the wannabe GOP presidential hopeful (Christie, not Hewitt, but who knows? The campaign season is young!) shared his boneheaded views on marijuana legalization. The key exchange:

Hewitt: "Right now, we've got the states of Colorado and Washington flaunting [sic] federal law by allowing people to sell dope legally. If you're the president of the United States, are you going to enforce the federal drug laws in those states?"

Christie: "Absolutely. I will crack down and not permit it... Marijuana is a gateway drug. We have an enormous addiction problem in this country, and we need to send very clear leadership from the White House on down through the federal law enforcement. Marijuana is an illegal drug under federal law. And the states should not be permitted to sell it and profit from it."

Dear shitbag Christie: Maybe if you weren't so busy being criminally investigated by the Feds, you'd know that the "gateway drug" theory of marijuana has been debunked, and that the key reason marijuana might lead to harder drugs is its prohibition, which requires users to purchase weed from black-market dealers, many of whom also sell and recommend harder drugs. Another backward twist of pot prohibition: When young users realize that the violently demonized weed is actually a life-enhancing intoxicant on par with alcohol, it invites them to distrust the valuable and apt denunciations of harder drugs. ("Maybe everything the government says is bad is actually good!") So shut your goddamn face, you moron.

FRIDAY, APRIL 17 The week continued with baggy pants versus PETA chants in San Bernardino, where tonight brought a brawl between animal-rights protesters and circus clowns. "Hundreds of spectators watched the fight break out when workers allegedly tried to stop the activists from forcing their way inside after the Ramos Bros. Circus show began," reported NBC. "Two protesters were arrested following the melee, while two circus employees were injured."

SATURDAY, APRIL 18 Nothing happened today, unless you count Record Store Day, the EMP Pop Conference, or the birthdays of Kathy Acker, Robert Christgau, and Rick Moranis.

SUNDAY, APRIL 19 Nothing happened today. recommended

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