Easy pickings.

MONDAY, JULY 13 This week of well-armed lunatics, suspect suicide, and presidential denunciations of Bill Cosby kicked off in the great Northwest, where this morning three men entered a busy Fred Meyer store in Marysville, Washington, and stole a fully loaded ATM. Details on the swiped-in-broad-daylight cash machine and the men who did the swiping comes from Marysville police: "They had a dolly and put [the ATM] up on the dolly, wheeled it out of the store, loaded it into a pickup truck, and drove off," Marysville police commander Robb Lamoureux told Everett's Daily Herald, which reports the getaway truck was found abandoned this afternoon, while the men and their hot ATM remain at large.

TUESDAY, JULY 14 In much worse news, the week continued with a fresh name to add to the list of black Americans whose arrests were followed by sudden death: Sandra Bland, a 28-year-old civil-rights advocate who recently moved to Texas from the Midwest after landing a job at Prairie View A&M University, a historically black university about 60 miles northwest of Houston. Last Friday, the Associated Press reported, Bland was pulled over by a state trooper for changing lanes without using her turn signal, after which she was ordered out of her car. She reportedly kicked the officer, resulting in her arrest on a charge of assaulting a public servant. Then came yesterday morning, when Bland was found fatally hanged in her jail cell. Today the Harris County medical examiner classified Bland's death as suicide, inspiring disbelief from her friends and family. "Anyone who knows Sandy Bland knows she has a thirst for life," said friend LaVaughn Mosley to Houston's KPRC News. "She was planning for the future, and she came here to start that future, so to say she killed herself is totally absurd." Bland's family has ordered an independent autopsy. Stay tuned.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 15 In better news, the week continued with a press conference at the White House, during which President Barack Obama fielded a question about the calls to revoke admitted sex druggist Bill Cosby's Presidential Medal of Freedom. "There's no precedent for revoking a medal," said the president. "We don't have that mechanism." Declining to comment specifically on the case against Cosby (which could still result in civil or criminal charges), Obama took the opportunity to clarify a central issue: "If you give a woman—or a man, for that matter—without his or her knowledge a drug and then have sex with that person without consent, that's rape." (As if one bracingly sane presidential pronouncement on rape per week wasn't enough, today's address follows similarly themed statements Obama made yesterday at the NAACP National Convention in Philadelphia. "We should not be tolerating rape in prison, and we shouldn't be making jokes about it in our popular culture," decreed the leader of the free world. "That is no joke. These things are unacceptable.")

THURSDAY, JULY 16 In worse news, the week continued in Chattanooga, Tennessee, where today 24-year-old Mohammad Abdulazeez opened fire on a military recruiting center in a strip mall, and then plowed his car into a navy operational support center, inside of which he fatally shot four people, all of them marines, before being fatally shot by cops. "The military released the names of the four marines killed Thursday—Thomas Sullivan, a native of Hampden, Massachusetts; Squire 'Skip' Wells, a native of Marietta, Georgia; David Wyatt, a native of Burke, North Carolina; and Carson Holmquist of Grantsburg, Wisconsin," reported CNN, noting that US Navy petty officer Randall Smith will become the tragedy's fifth casualty when he dies of his shooting-related injuries on Saturday.

As for the dead killer: The Kuwait-born Abdulazeez was a devout Muslim who became a naturalized American citizen, and while his murderous actions might lead some to suspect ties to ISIS (either real or in his mind), it seems Abdulazeez was more inspired by the all-American problems of depression, drug abuse, money troubles, and easy-access weaponry. Condolences to the loved ones of the slain service members, all of who had survived tours of duty in Iraq and/or Afghanistan before being gunned down at home. Ugh.

FRIDAY, JULY 17 Speaking of deadly massacres, the week continued in Colorado, where today brought a slew of guilty verdicts for 27-year-old James Holmes, the well-armed mentally ill man who fatally shot 12 people (and wounded dozens of others) at a 2012 screening of The Dark Knight Rises. "Jurors deliberated for a day and a half over whether Holmes was a cold, calculating killer or a man in the grips of a psychotic breakdown when he opened fire in a crowded movie theater almost exactly three years ago," reported CBS. "In the end, they found him guilty of all 165 charges he faced." Among those 165 charges were 12 counts of first-degree murder, which could land Holmes on death row. The trial's penalty phase commences next week.

SATURDAY, JULY 18 In creepier news, the week continued with a monumental addition to the wealth of evidence confirming Bill Cosby is the creepiest motherfucker to ever trick America into loving him. Today's source: the New York Times, which dug deeper into Cosby's recently unsealed deposition of 2005, when Cosby was sued by one of the many women who claimed to have been drugged and raped by the comedy star over the past 40 years, and happily held forth on his predatory sex and drugging habits. After mucking through the deposition's squirmy details, the New York Times offered a concisely damning portrait in an opening paragraph that should live forever as Cosby's epitaph: "He was not above seducing a young model by showing interest in her father's cancer. He promised other women his mentorship and career advice before pushing them for sex acts. And he tried to use financial sleight of hand to keep his wife from finding out about his serial philandering." The Times continued: "Even as Mr. Cosby denied he was a sexual predator who assaulted many women, he presented himself in the deposition as an unapologetic, cavalier playboy, someone who used a combination of fame, apparent concern, and powerful sedatives in a calculated pursuit of young women—a profile at odds with the popular image he so long enjoyed, that of father figure and public moralist."

SUNDAY, JULY 19 Speaking of toxic 1980s relics, the week ended with Donald Trump, the ridiculous GOP presidential hopeful who one-upped his previous denunciation of Mexican immigrants as drug dealers and rapists by making fun of John McCain for acting like a war hero just because he survived more than five years as a prisoner of war in a North Vietnam. "[McCain is] not a war hero," said Trump yesterday at the Family Leadership Summit in Iowa. "He's a war hero because he was captured. I like people that weren't captured, okay?" Earning widespread scorn from military veterans and all decent humans, this latest conglomeration of feces to fall from Trump's mouth seems certain to ruin his political chances—but who knows? The way things have been going, Trump could denounce America's babies as insufficiently sexy and still rise in the polls. recommended

Thank you, Donald Trump, for spicing up our job, but God help us if you get anywhere near the White House. Send hot tips to lastdays@thestranger.com and follow me on Twitter @davidschmader.