MONDAY, JULY 27 This week of cops charged with murder, cops killed by murder, and deeply despised dentists kicked off with Donald Trump, the pumpkin-colored racist and GOP presidential front-runner who was today the subject of an explosive report at the Daily Beast. "Donald Trump introduced his presidential campaign to the world with a slur against Mexican immigrants, accusing them of being 'rapists' and bringing crime into the country," reported the Daily Beast, reminding readers of Trump's unhinged defense of his immigrants-are-rapists proclamation ("Someone's doing the raping! Who's doing the raping?") and Trump's previous comments blaming the epidemic of sexual assault in the military on the presence of female service members ("What did [they] expect when they put men and women together?"). But as the Daily Beast suggested, Trump's rape-related troubles extend back dozens of years, with the 1993 book Lost Tycoon: The Many Lives of Donald J. Trump highlighting a rape claim made by Trump's former wife Ivana in 1989. "Ivana Trump's assertion of 'rape' came in a deposition—part of the early '90s divorce case between the Trumps," reported the Daily Beast. "The book, by former Texas Monthly and Newsweek reporter Harry Hurt III, described a harrowing scene. After a painful scalp reduction surgery to remove a bald spot, Donald Trump confronted his then-wife, who had previously used the same plastic surgeon..." During the ensuing confrontation, Donald "jams his penis inside her for the first time in more than sixteen months," Hurt wrote in Lost Tycoon. "Ivana is terrified... It is a violent assault. According to versions she repeats to some of her closest confidantes, 'he raped me.'"
Ivana Trump has since sought to soften her statements, claiming she didn't mean "rape" in "a literal or criminal sense" and denouncing the Daily Beast's quoting of statements she made under oath as "totally without merit." But the most passionate response came from Donald Trump's lawyer Michael Cohen, who tried to scare the Daily Beast out of going forward with the story: "I will come after your Daily Beast and everybody else that you possibly know," said Cohen to the Daily Beast. "I'm warning you, tread very fucking lightly, because what I'm going to do to you is going to be fucking disgusting. You understand me? ... You're talking about the front-runner for the GOP, presidential candidate, as well as a private individual who never raped anybody. And, of course, understand that by the very definition, you can't rape your spouse." As if to make sure the universe heard him right, Cohen added: "It is true. You cannot rape your spouse. There's very clear case law." Unfortunately for Cohen, that's the opposite of true. "Marital rape has been illegal in all 50 states since 1993 and nonconsensual sex between spouses does in fact constitute rape," reported CNN. Tomorrow, Trump's ignorant-of-the-law lawyer will apologize for his "inarticulate" comments. Onward.
TUESDAY, JULY 28 The week continued with an accidentally heroic story out of Charleston, West Virginia, where earlier this month a woman fatally shot a man who was trying to rape her at gunpoint, and may have stopped a would-be serial killer. As CNN reported, the woman met the man after he responded to her ad in the escort section of Backpage.com. During their meeting, the man produced a 9 mm handgun, which he pointed at the woman's chest while attempting to rape her. "The victim, who is being called 'Heather' by investigators, fought back so hard, police in Charleston, West Virginia, said, that her attacker... lost control of his gun," reported CNN. "Heather grabbed the weapon and blindly fired it, killing 45-year-old Neal Falls in self-defense, police said." Heather escaped the encounter without serious injury or criminal charges, and, with the attacker dead, it seemed like the case was on its way to closure—until police looked in the dead man's car. "Falls had what police are calling a 'kill kit,' which included four sets of handcuffs, an ax, a machete, bulletproof vests, knives, a box cutter, a large container of bleach, and a large number of trash bags," reported CNN. "Police said Falls also carried a list of about 10 women—all escorts in West Virginia—along with their ages and phone numbers. Those women are all alive and have not had any previous contact with Falls." Thank God and good riddance.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 29 The week continued with a tragically familiar story and a bracing surprise twist out of Ohio, where on July 19, a black motorist was pulled over by a white police officer and wound up fatally shot in the head, and where today the trigger-happy cop was indicted for murder. Crucial to today's charges: body-camera footage that directly contradicts Officer Ray Tensing's testimony that he was forced to shoot 43-year-old Samuel DuBose after being dragged by DuBose's car, with video showing DuBose's car only started moving after its driver had been shot in the head. "He purposely killed him," said Hamilton County prosecutor Joe Deters at a press conference today. "He should never have been a police officer." Charged with murder and voluntary manslaughter, Tensing remains free on $1 million bond.
THURSDAY, JULY 30 In lighter news, the week continued in East Texas, where today a man tried to shoot an armadillo and wound up shot in the face by his own ricocheting bullet. "The man was airlifted to a nearby hospital, where his jaw was wired shut," reported Reuters. "The status of the animal is unknown."
FRIDAY, JULY 31 Speaking of shitty hunters, the week continued with the internet-inflaming saga of Cecil the lion, the culturally beloved, scientifically studied African lion who was lured out of a national park with bait and killed for sport by an American dentist. After several days of being pilloried on the internet, today the game-hunting dentist—identified as 55-year-old Walter Palmer of Minnesota—got his most serious blast of blowback to date, as authorities in Zimbabwe announced their intent to have Palmer extradited to Africa to face charges. "The illegal killing was deliberate," said Zimbabwe's environment minister Oppah Muchinguri at a news conference today. "We are appealing to the responsible authorities for his extradition to Zimbabwe so that he can be held accountable for his illegal actions." And, oh yeah: "In Zimbabwe, the illegal killing of a lion is punishable by a mandatory fine of $20,000 and up to 10 years in prison," reported Reuters. Good luck, despised dentist.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 1 The week continued in Memphis, where today brought a tragic reminder that it's not always civilians who are killed by idiots with guns. Our subject: Sean Bolton, the 33-year-old police officer who was fatally shot during a traffic stop tonight in Memphis. "A manhunt is under way for a suspect," reported CNN. "This is the third time a Memphis police officer has been killed in the past four years."
SUNDAY, AUGUST 2 The week ended with a bustling day of deadline-based activity in the Pacific Northwest, including but not limited to the final day of the Seattle Art Fair, the final day of Seafair, and the final performance of Intiman Theatre's production of the Tennessee Williams play Orpheus Descending (which Last Days saw and loved for its entrancing lead performance by Kemiyondo Coutinho, who should be in all plays always).
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Revenge of the armadillos at thestranger.com/slog