MONDAY, AUGUST 24 In news that shook the earth to its very core, British boy band One Direction announced today that they are, according to Us Weekly, "taking a hiatus to focus on solo projects." Wait! Stop... stop screaming! We can barely hear ourselves think! Our 12-year-old niece Tracee Romano had this to say about the announcement: "I hate everything! I hate you, I hate the world, and I hate One Direction who doesn't care, DOESN'T EVEN CARE!" [SLAM!] That was Tracee slamming the door, and... "How could they?" Tracee screamed, dragging her body across the floor. "How can they do this? ANSWER MEEEEE!!" "Ahem... well," we stuttered. "Maybe they really are just taking a little break, because you know, KISS did the same thing back in..." "WHAT. IS. A. 'KISS'?" Tracee screeched, her eyes flaring with the heat of a thousand suns. "AND. WHY. ARE. YOU. EVEN. TALKING. RIGHT. NOW?" Ooooh-kay. Thanks to Tracee for a young person's perspective on this still-developing story, and... "YOU'RE NOT WELCOME, I HATE YOUUUU!"
TUESDAY, AUGUST 25 In more shocking news, Mel Gibson continues to be a world-class butthole. As you surely recall, Gibson has a history of drunkenness paired with anti-Semitic and homophobic slurs. This time, the 59-year-old was visiting Sydney, Australia, when a photog tried to snap a shot of him and his 24-year-old (ugh) girlfriend Rosalind Ross. Things did not go well from there. "When I turned around, he shoved my back really hard," photographer Kristi Miller told the Daily Telegraph. "He was spitting in my face as he was yelling at me, calling me a dog, saying I'm not even a human being and I will go to hell. He swore and called me a c**t." Miller said she thought he was going to "punch me in the face," but she told the Telegraph that Gibson was stopped by Ross who told him, "That is enough" and pulled him away while apologizing for his insane behavior. Local police are investigating the alleged attack, and Gibson has denied all charges.
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 26 In yet another example of how "guns keep us safer," this morning in Virginia, a disgruntled former TV station employee shot and killed reporter Alison Parker and cameraman Adam Ward while they were filming a live news segment. Seven hours later, the shooter committed suicide. The father of the slain reporter, Andy Parker, was obviously devastated—and justifiably incensed over America's lax gun regulations, which contributed to the death of his daughter and her coworker. "You always think there's a tipping point," Parker said to CNN. "We thought that when [former representative Gabrielle Giffords] was shot, you know, something would happen. With Sandy Hook, something would happen. And it never did." Parker has since dedicated his life to advocate for gun control. "[My daughter] Alison would be really mad at me if I didn't take this on," he continued. "I promise you, these people are messing with the wrong family. We are going to effect change."
THURSDAY, AUGUST 27 Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Schumer are writing a screenplay together! According to the New York Times, the Hunger Games star admitted she and comedian Schumer are writing a film comedy—in which they will costar! "We play sisters," Lawrence said. "It's been the most fun experience of my life." BUT IT GETS BETTER. After leaking the news of the screenplay, Lawrence texted Schumer, asking if it was okay that she'd "spilled the beans to the New York Times?" Schumer immediately texted back, "That you're gay? Totally! It's exciting!" OMIGOD, THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST MOVIE EVER.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 28 In what will likely be cold comfort to the millions whose personal details were ejaculated all over the internet as part of the Ashley Madison leak, the company is insisting—insisting!—that it isn't a scam! The most recent development comes after the not-so-shocking discovery that men on the site far outnumber women—and after Annalee Newitz wrote a post for Gizmodo, the tellingly titled "Almost None of the Women in the Ashley Madison Database Ever Used the Site," in which, after analyzing the data, she found "millions of Ashley Madison men were paying to hook up with women who appeared to have created profiles and then simply disappeared... The more I examined those 5.5 million female profiles, the more obvious it became that none of them had ever talked to men on the site, or even used the site at all after creating a profile." Eager to claim "Oh god oh god everything's fine here, please keep giving us money," Ashley Madison's beleaguered PR team quickly shouted at anyone who would listen that last week they got "hundreds of thousands" of new users—and that almost 90,000 of them were women! Mm-hmm.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 29 "Controversial celebrity chef Paula Deen is joining the cast of Dancing with the Stars," reports E! News, which, for some weird reason, misspelled "disgusting racist" as "controversial." Apparently this is the third time Dancing with the Stars has asked Deen to participate—but the first time she's said yes, which must mean things are going great in Deenville. Deen will be joined by other "stars" such as Bindi Irwin (daughter of croc hunter Steve Irwin), former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, jockey Victor Espinoza, and something called a Peta Murgatroyd. So long as no one on the show is black, we expect Deen will have a delightful time. SPEAKING OF RACISTS... On ABC's This Week, former House speaker Newt Gingrich was asked a horrifying question by host Martha Raddatz. Naturally, it was about Donald Trump. "Could he be the nominee?" Raddatz asked Gingrich, no doubt while wondering what she could have possibly done wrong to find herself in this exquisite hell. "Absolutely," Gingrich replied. "I think he also could be the president." And there we have it, dears—a scenario even more horrifying than Paula Deen on Dancing with the Stars.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 30 Last night at MTV's Video Music Awards, Taylor Swift and Nicki Minaj finally ended their Twitter feud that was tearing this country apart in a manner not seen since the Civil War. "The singers surprised VMA viewers when Swift came out onstage to perform one of Minaj's songs with her, 'The Night Is Still Young,'" Page Six reports, "before jumping into a verse of Swift's 'Bad Blood.'" It's moments like these that make us truly appreciate forgiveness, friendship, and just how good "Bad Blood" is, and really makes us feel much better about the rest of the awful news from this wee—THIS JUST IN: KANYE WEST HAS RUINED EVERYTHING. While accepting the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award, West said all sorts of Kanye Westian things ("I will die for the art, for what I believe in") before casually letting everyone know that he's made a pretty big decision: "I have decided in 2020 to run for president," West said. Then he left, and an entire nation realized that in a world where Donald Trump might end up as president, Kanye might not have been joking.