MONDAY, AUGUST 31 Because we know youâre concerned, hereâs more gossip from last nightâs superfluous MTV Video Awards. MTV loves to manufacture as much drama as possible for this ceremonyâbecause otherwise? No one would give a shit. However, MTV is proclaiming its innocence in regards to the onstage dustup between testy rapper Nicki Minaj and reformed hillbilly/host Miley Cyrus. To recap: Nicki was accepting her award for best hiphop video when she decided to interrupt her own speech with amini-diatribe about comments Miley allegedly made to the New York Times about Nickiâs refusal to be nice on Twitter. âNow back to this bitch,â Nicki snapped in Mileyâs direction, âthat had a lot to say about me the other day in the press⊠Miley, whatâs good?â Refusing to wither beneath the steely glare of Nicki, Miley spun and barked back, âWe all do interviews, and we all know how they can be manipulated. Congratufuckinglations, Nicki.â At this point, Nickiâs mic was shut off, but from what she was mouthing, it doesnât look like she and Miley will be brunching with Taylor Swift and her new bestie Kanye West anytime soon. (Though these four would be awesome in a reboot of Mean Girls.)
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 1 Oh, and one more quickie about the VMAs: In his acceptance speech for the Video Vanguard Award, Kanye West performed one of his trademark rambling speechesâthough this one clocked in at a mere 11 minutes and almost⊠almost made a couple of salient points. However, his âdrop the micâ moment came when he announced he would be running for president in 2020âinspiring the planet to go nuts and briefly consider that this utterly ridiculous proposal could ever possibly happen. And so OBVIOUSLY the press had to ask our current most ridiculous presidential candidate, Donald Trump, what he thought about Kanyeâs proposed run in 2020. âI was actually watching [Kanyeâs speech],â Trump responded, âand I said, âThatâs very interesting. I wonder who gave him that idea?ââ Who gave Kanye the idea that Americaâs highest office has been turned into a goddamned joke thanks to blithering idiots like Donald Trump? Hmmm⊠that would be YOU, Donald Trump. You should be very proud.
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 2 More Duggar drama! When we last checked in on this clan of religious hypocrites, son Josh Duggar had been whisked away to a Christian-based rehab. According to onlookers talking to Radar Online, Josh hasnât been seen attending meetings or the required religious servicesâand perhaps, he isnât there at all. âJosh definitely wasnât there,â one observant insider noted. âIt was very strange.â So if he isnât at a Bible-thumping rehab, where is he? Well⊠has anyone checked Ma and Pa Duggarâs basement to see if Josh is curled up in a fetal position and sobbing quietly while covered in an inch of Cheeto dust and a pile of decades-old Playboys? Just a working theory!
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 3 Speaking of Christian assholes, Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis is a real Christian asshole. After being jailed for refusing to do her job and grant gay couples marriage licensesâas ordered by a little organization known as the Supreme Court of the United States of Americaâcounty clerk Kim Davis still wonât shut up about it, even though sheâs behind bars. Now sheâs saying that the marriage licenses currently being issued âwithout her authorityâ are void and ânot worth the paper theyâre written onâ because she didnât authorize them as an elected official. If Kim ever makes it to heaven, God is going to have a field day with her.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 4 Itâs been a relatively upbeat week so farâso naturally, here come Donald Trump and Sarah Palin to ruin it. Yes, those two names are in the same sentence⊠and if Palin has her way, not for the last time! âSarah Palin has made a pitch to be named energy secretary under a Donald Trump presidency,â the Guardian reports. The only problem, as Vox points out? âItâs not clear she even knows what the department does.â (Oh, Sarah, how weâve missed you.) Palin recently told CNN she thinks âa lotâ about the Department of Energy, because âenergy is my baby: oil and gas and minerals, those things that God has dumped on this part of the Earth for mankindâs use instead of us relying on unfriendly foreign nationsâŠâ âExcept this really has nothing to do with the Department of Energy,â Vox notes, âwhich mainly oversees the nationâs nuclear weapons programâa task consuming nearly half its budgetâruns the national labs, and conducts energy R&D. What Palin wants is the Department of Interior.â Dears, we havenât had this much fun following politics since 2012. Wonder why that is?
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 5 If youâve been anywhere near the internet, youâve likely seen the trailer for the new Will Smith movie Concussionâa film that, as the New York Times reports, was made to focus on âthe death and dementia professional football players have endured from repeated hits to the headâand the NFLâs efforts toward a cover-up.â But donât get your hopes up to see Concussion actually address the fact Americans love to watch athletes suffer severe neurological damage. âIn the end even Sony, which unlike most other major studios in Hollywood has no significant business tiesto the NFL, found itself softening some points that might have been made against the multibillion-dollar sports enterprise,â the Times adds. That âsofteningâ came to light via leaked e-mailsfrom the Sony hack, and revealed that in addition to âunflattering moments for the NFLâ being cut from the film, a Sony lawyer noted âmost of the biteâ was taken outto keep the NFL happy.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 6 As the refugee crisis rages in Europe, itâs good to know celebs are keeping their focus on whatâs really important. Like, say, months-old feuds with Australian agriculture ministers. Such is the case with Johnny Depp, who, as you might remember, got in trouble earlier this year when he smuggled his Yorkshire terriers, Pistol and Boo, into Australiaâflouting the countryâs strict biosecurity laws in order to keep the dogs nearby as he filmed Pirates of the Caribbean XXIV: Depp Blue Sea. âIf we start letting movie stars come into our nation [with pets], then why donât we just break the laws for everybody?â Australian agriculture minister Barnaby Joyce declared at the time. So thatâs that, then? NOT QUITE⊠Because at the Venice Film Festival, Depp brought it up again. âI killed my dogs and ate them under direct orders from some kind of, I donât know, sweaty, big-gutted man from Australia,â Depp said. Okay, so NOW can we put this incident aside? Nope, because THIS JUST IN⊠Via an unprecedented press release, Pistol and Boo have decided to weigh in! âThis is so embarrassing,â they wrote. âWe never even wanted to go to Australia!Also, help. He wonât stop dressing us up in his old scarves andâoh god. Heâs coming. PLEASE HELââ