New Column!

Lady Crystal's Predictions for 2010—and Beyond!


2010 is gonna be the year of the snot rocket.
Atlantic City? No. Branson, Missouri? Now we're talking. While viewing the corpse in state, mourners and other slack-jawed yokels will be serenaded by a loop recording of Dolly Parton's rendition of "Imagine."

That's right, the bible-humping hypocrite actually covered John Lennon's Imagine. Hearing it causes me to consider the pros and cons of scraping out my eyeballs with a shrimp fork.
I second the Branson notion. I've been there many times - it was a professional liability, not a choice. It seems like all they do there is worship the well preserved, just look at Andy Williams!