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You have said some outrageous shit in your life, but this is a new low. You're honestly going to sit there and tell me that of all the Chunky Soups, your actual favorite one is Sirloin Burger? Fucking Sirloin Burger? Seriously? Come on!

We've had the conversation about the so-called "classic" Chicken Noodle. I'll grant you that. But the fact that you're straight up ignoring Hearty Italian-Style Wedding with Meatballs & Spinach, to say nothing of Jammin' Jerk Chicken with Rice & Beans or Jazzy Jambalaya with Chicken, Sausage, and Ham—how am I not supposed to take it personally? I guess it shouldn't surprise me, since you're the same person who said low gas prices were part of a secret agreement between OPEC and President Obama to guarantee a weak Republican field in 2016, and that ISIS is just the same 10 CIA black baggers who invented Osama bin Laden. Well, not to let the facts get in the way of a good story, but I happen to know that you haven't even tried Beer-n-Cheese with Beef & Bacon OR Chipotle Chicken & Corn Chowder. You're really comfortable sending your ships to war for Sirloin Burger? Sirloin Burger. Jesus Christ.

What the fuck happened to you?