My fellow Americans,

First of all, you look terrific.

Let me begin by saying something my so-called opponents are all too scared to say: I am 100 percent in favor of anal sex. Man-on-woman, man-on-man, gender-queer, you name it—if something can be put into and taken out of a human rectum, then that something is my brother. End of discussion.

Now, my staff doesn't like it when I talk about this, but let's be clear: They're not the boss. I'm the boss. I run this campaign like I run a company. As any Fortune 500 executive will happily tell you (behind closed doors in their ivory tower), sodomy is one of the pillars of any successful organization.

And by the way, I can already hear all the fancy pointy-headed blogger types clacking away at their keyboards—ooh, Mr. Trump, not all sodomy is anal sex. Guess what, Poindexter: Donald Trump knows what sodomy is, chapter and verse, baby. I'm getting a blowjob right now. From a model. On a private jet.

But what I'm thinking about is anal sex.

I'm thinking of anal sex on Air Force One, anal sex at Camp David, anal sex in the Oval Office, anal sex in the Lincoln Bedroom, anal sex in every nook and cranny of the Trump White House Towers. (If you think Bill Clinton defiled the presidency, just wait till you see what I'm going to do with that shithole—literally.)

You can take that to the bank. And I think you know which bank I'm talking about.

God Bless America,

The Donald recommended