Sorry to bother you, but I've had a leaky shower head for the past six months. Now, the last thing I want to do is "nag," but I've sent you three reminders about this. And since you pay the utilities, I figured you wouldn't be happy about the increased water bill. Can you please send someone to fix it?
—Arthur Thomas, Unit 316
You know, for someone who claims to not be a nag, it sure sounds like you're doing a lot of fucking nagging. Tell you what, Artie: Since you're SO concerned about wasting my water and money, I'm gonna fix the problem! From now on, YOU'RE paying all utilities. Retroactively. Problem solved. NEXT!
My mother has been diagnosed with advanced leukemia, and...
—Donna Carey, Unit 137
Let me stop you right there, Donna. NO, YOU MAY NOT PAY YOUR RENT "A FEW DAYS LATE"! Rent is due on the FIRST. Read the contract you SIGNED. Do NOT test me on this one. I've got a waiting list a mile long for your place, as you well know. P.S. My best to your mom. NEXT!
I recently received your letter re: your intention to increase the monthly rent for my studio from $650 to $2,999. That seems a bit excessive to me. Is there any chance we can meet to talk about this?
—Marilyn Johnson, Unit 242
We can absolutely meet to talk about this, Marilyn. I understand that rent increases can be confusing and frustrating, but I welcome the opportunity to have an open, frank discussion about the financial pressures that, unfortunately, require me to raise your rent. So what do you say we meet next Tuesday at 7-ish at the technically illegal homeless encampment next to I-5? Oh, and be sure to bring all your things, because you're fucking EVICTED. (Also, bring me a check for $95 if you still want an eight-minute conversation. After all, time is money.)
Do YOU have a question for a Seattle landlord? Send it to Ask a Seattle Landlord!, c/o The Stranger, 1535 11th Avenue, Seattle WA, 98122. Attach a nonrefundable check for $250. NEXT!