I can well imagine what you must be thinking: This guy was best friends with Michael Douglas, international screen legend, for six years? What does he have to complain about?!

Believe me, you do NOT want to know.

Listen, don't get me wrong. Michael is an incredible guy: great husband, great father, great actor, great humanitarian. The whole schmear, as we used to say in New York (where I'm from). You may have noticed the one category I left off that list. That's right. Because when you're Michael Douglas's best friend, it's a full-time job. And not a two-way street.

Were there times he would call just to say, "Hey, Dale, what's shakin'?" Of course there were. But after six years of being his best friend, I could always tell when what he really wanted was for me to ask him how he was doing, or tell him how beautiful (and not too young for him) his wife was, or congratulate him on beating cancer, or reassure him that he was still a Hollywood Hall of Famer (his term) even though he hadn't had a really big hit in at least a decade. Then that Liberace movie happened (still haven't seen it, btw), and suddenly it's "Oh, dude, sorry I didn't text you back. My phone's being weird."

What do you take me for, man?

Sometimes I wonder how Michael is doing. I truly hope he's genuinely happy. And I hope he has found a new best friend who doesn't mind being taken for granted. But that's not me. Not anymore.