Dear whiny, liberal, 45-year-old fun police:

Why don't you get off my back and learn that there's more to life than bitching about how great it was when you were young and in charge of the world? Because guess what: You're not and you're not.

Let me see if I have this straight: You're crying into your artisanal, locally sourced, hand-stitched crying towels because Guns N' Roses are headlining Coachella, and reunions are bad, and Coachella is supposed to have only cool bands no one has heard of. (Yeah, like Prince and Kanye and Radiohead and Paul Mc-Fucking-Cartney, *cough cough*.)

Well, here's a news flash from your favorite cute little orange droid: SOME OF US WEREN'T AROUND TO SEE GN'R THE FIRST TIME AROUND AND WOULDN'T MIND A CHANCE TO HEAR "PARADISE GODDAMN CITY" THE WAY IT WAS MEANT TO BE HEARD—LIVE AND LOUD. Jesus Christ, it's like if it wasn't made specifically for you, you can't stand the thought of anyone else enjoying it. I hate to be the one to give you a history lesson, but you know who else used to think like that? I'll give you a hint: He wore a black mask and his name rhymed with Garth Nader. 'Nuff said.

Anyway, all I'm really trying to say is this: Lighten up. It's Axl and Slash, together again! And anyway, liking things is cool again. Maybe you should give it a try for a change and get off my balls, gramps. The '90s are over.

Bleep fucking bloop. recommended

The author is an astromech droid. The text was translated from 27th-generation binary by The Stranger's protocol droid.