Savage Love

Fighting Ugly


I'm straight, and so are most of my friends. We all agree... A good plump pussy looks like a Arby's sandwich, buns and all. It's a beautiful thing!
I really liked what you told Anonymous. Don't know how to describe it, but you avoid that sleazy "but you are not ugly" and said just the right things about those 20something asshole condescending future burn victims (loved that part). Made my day :)
Re: the anonymous 22-yr-old gal who said she gets ridiculed for being "ugly" ... said was great, and to Anonymous, if she reads this...hon, I am truly sorry that so many guys don't bother to look beyond your physical looks to see the beautiful person you most likely are beneath.

Too many guys have their heads up their asses and go by looks first and personality dead last. I used to do this myself, I'm sorry to say, and I'm glad I finally woke up and got my head out of my ass. Always wondered why I always ended up with asshole's because I was an asshole myself, not looking for anything beyond superficial good looks, and ended up with women who were pretty and had shitty personalities.

Today, I am married to a woman with a facial disfigurement. She's whip smart, funny, warm, the mother of my children and the woman of my dreams -- I could go on and on, but the bottom line is, I am a lucky man to have married her, and to me, she's the prettiest gal in 5 counties. Maybe 6.

In the words of Dean Martin, "You don't love a woman because she's beautiful. She's beautiful because you love her."

Pls hang in there, anonymous, and try to forgive the guys who don't bother to look beyond the surface. They're the real losers here. The person of your dreams is still out there, keep looking and you'll find him/her.

.Also Anonymous.
Also, to anonymous: When the guy asks you if are you jealous of your prettier friends, you might smile sympathetically and ask if he's jealous of his friends that have personalities and social graces.
My comment might surprise you, I wont start repeating all the sleazy cliches ab out "personality" and the stupid jerks who refuse to see anything behind your appearance. Youve heard it all before, you will hear it again, and it wont make you feel any better. I know. I ve been there. Emotionally Im still there although I managed to find a boyfriend who's "sugar and spice and everything nice" (yes, there IS hope for all of us) but the problem is that finding a life partner - although important - will not change your self image that much. I still feel ugly, when i'm alone. I still slouch when walking outside, apologize to rude bus drivers and basically feel that my looks somehow insult the happier, more attractive population. Seriously. I feel guilty about the way I look. After 10 years with a cute intelligent guy who shares all my interests and tells me every day how great I am. He's no angel of course, there are problems but he - god bless him - does everything humanly possible to reassure me about myself. And yes, I'm ok when we're together _alone_. But his friends, coworkers, even parents still make me feel guilty and disgusted with myself. I people please, I overcompensate, I basically am still that 14-yr old girls who laughed with the whole class after discovering a piece of paper with the words "ugly cow" ducktaped to my back. And i'm not sure thats gonna pass anytime soon, therapy or not - it's just something you grew up with, part of yourself. Maybe it's just better to count your blessings and accept the rest, I dont know.
Now, about your friends. Once again - I dont know, your friends may be amazing, caring, honest people, but sometimes attractive girls take in an unattractive one, maybe to look better by comparison, to boost their self esteem or maybe for some twisted comic relief. Having a beautiful group of people around someone like us, well... that's what attracts those drunken assholes you're writing about. A quiet, boring group of adult nerds is usually invisible :))) Once again - it's not a solution, it's just one of my methods to confront reality. Or maybe ignore it. Anyway, so many words, so little common sence ))) sorry about that. I'm just telling you - i understand completely how you feel. Maybe, to find a partner, we should not try to get them to like us, but to decide what exactly we want ourselves, and to look accordingly - not in bars or at parties, but somewhere where guys are actually interested in what we have to say. Me and my guy met on the internet, by the way.
p.s. and stop asking those close to you "am I ugly?" it's annoying as hell :)) for both of you, you get sick of their "condescending" lies, and they are sick of having to repeat them again and again :))
Sorry for the huge post...
To Anonymous
Your letter really touched me. I can in no way give advice like savage (i'm just not as smart lol), but i wanted to remind you that beauty is sooo subjective. Not all of us are looking for accepted standards of beauty, some of us actually find them to be well, "standardized" and boring. Personally I look for the things that make people unique and to me THAT is what makes them beautiful (physically anyways).
One thing that i find really hot is called vitiligo, it's the skin condition michael jackson struggled with. A lot of people find it weird or ugly, but i really hoestly truly find it to be very beautiful to look at. When i see someone with it i can't stop looking at them.
My point is, not everyone is out looking for the same things, and not everyone is quick to buy into the mass media driven standards of beauty.
And how is this for you, apparently i look a lot like lilly cole (i'm actually confused for her) who is a well paid top model that a lot of people think is extremely hot....i find her ugly...just ugly. I don't like her facial structure i don't like her features, i feel horrible that this is "who i look like" when people tell me that, it makes me feel like shit. BUT, I wonder how much of my dislike of her face, is linked to my own lack of self esteem about my own face. I bet i would find her beautiful if i didn't look so much like her. Something to think about.
there was a time when I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. It wasn't because of ugliness but because I was obsessed about BEING ugly. I'm turning eighteen tomorrow and I've never had a proper girlfriend or boyfriend. Now that I'm looking back, I can see that there were plenty of opportunities, I just put myself down too much as 'that face' with 'that body'. I sold myself pretty short. Your letter really touched me in a wave of empathy and (admittedly) self-pity. Do you remember when Susan Brick got all that shit for talking about how much attention her 'beauty' grabbed her? A little obnoxious? yes. Self-obsessed, sure. All the same, now a days it is so looked down upon to even mention our self-worth. Maybe Ms. Brick deserves a bit of credit. Just remember that you have friends for a reason, and that beauty standards change every time Anna Wintour picks her nose (a little too graphic but everyone knows it). I know that beauty unfortunately matters during college, I'm not going to deny it, but it's a very, very, VERY short-term phenomenon. I completely agree with Savage.
PS. Whenever some shit-head comes up to you and insults you face-to-face, just imagine HIM in a wig. Ask him just how pretty he thinks he is. Or just smile and wave.