Great answer to Just Confused, Dan. The same thing happened to me when I was 16; I didn't find out until there was come spilling out all over the place, he wasn't wearing a condom, and the condom he HAD been wearing was crumpled on the bed. But I didn't have the smarts that Just Confused had. I hung onto him for another year and, luckily, got neither pregnant nor an STD. Revenge is sweet, however. Now, 35 years later, I have found out through the wonders of Facebook that he's a genuine nutcase, miserable, and totally disconnected from society. Heh.

I really like your response to "Closet Princess Seeking Princess" here.

...I'm not sure what girls like this call each other most of the time, but among the girls I know, we like to call ourselves "Yaoi fangirls."

I actually like it better than maybe 'fag hag' or whichever other label we're using these days. Or maybe that's just the overly feminine gay anime men clouding my mind with delicious gay japanese porn.

I don't buy for a second that "Alone Again Unnaturally" is such a catch if she can't get a boyfriend. Any attractive 21 year old woman is going to have tons of attention from guys. She probably isn't as great as she says she is.

Her saying that she is sexually active might be a tipoff that she only goes for "hot" guys who are happy to jump in bed with her, but who think they can do better when it comes to a girlfriend.

She has "many guy friends" who tell her she is great? I wonder how many of them might be saying that just because they want her goodies.

Finally, her "lack of putting up with bullshit" makes her seem like she might just be a bitch. It might be true like you say that her "bullshit" is serious and shouldn't be put up with, or it could be that not responding to her text quickly enough is "bullshit" that will earn the guy some crazy time.

Lots of men want to use women for sex. Of course there is always a lot of ass-kissing involved. Most women have the sense to tell insincere flattery from genuine praise. Whenever I see "attractive" women who have an outwardly high opinion of themselves but who can't get a boyfriend, usually it means they buy into all this insincere flattery. So they think they are something special, when in reality they are just being manipulated while each guy takes his turn.

In short, if any girl told me what "Alone Again Unnaturally" wrote to you, it would be a huge red flag and I would run for the hills. To sum up, red flags:

1. saying she is good-looking (no humility?)

2. sexually active, single (some people might call that a slut?)

3. never had a boyfriend (by age 21?)

4. "I have many guy friends" (attractive women with all or mostly male friends almost always have terrible personalities.)

5. "who tell me that I'm great" (she is great because guy friends say so? that is her proof?)

6. "Is it that men don't want to date me?" (you mean you aren't even going on dates before the sex? wow! at least make them buy you dinner, lol. is she just a booty call?)

7. "or is my lack of putting up with bullshit" (false choice, it isn't necessarily either, but when a girl says she doesn't put up with bullshit, it usually means she is saying she has a short fuse.)

As for Just Confused's ex, if they were both 17 I would say the guy might have just been young and stupid, but since he was 21 and having sex with a 17 year old after obviously bullshitting her into it, he's pretty likely a complete jackass.

If he really cared about this girl and wanted a LTR with her, he never would have done it. Something tells me that if she let him finish before dumping him instead of cutting it short, he might have been off bragging to his friends instead of crying, calling, and sending gifts.

well said, kaltes!

Oh man, I just *wish* I could find a nice bisexual cross-dresser in my town. Don't lose hope, Princess! There ARE girls out there looking for someone just like you.

BI-guys that cross dress are so hot. I haven't found a guy willing to do either for me. If he didn't live clear across the county, I'd track him down.

Some words of encouragement for Closet Princess: I'm a straight woman happily involved with a bisexual man. Not only do I love the thought of him with another man, even masturbate to it, I loved actually watching him with another man and hope that the opportunity arises again someday.

We do exist, I promise. Just keep trying and, like Dan said, don't act like it's a huge deal. For me, and many other woman I've spoken to about it, it's not a problem but a bonus.

Geez Kaltes, got some issues or what? You didn't analyze her letter; all you did was give us a peak into your angry little soul, and it's pretty dark in there isn't it? Maybe the girl just hasn't met the right guy yet is always an option.

Crosssdressing men are so hot. I love seeing a big bulging cock in pink panties.

The link for www.sayno2.com -- there's an extra space after the 2.

Just to be fair, and not to condone or excuse: but is there a chance that Just Confused's condom-removing asshole bf was going for the money shot? She doesn't say he re-inserted his dick. And she does volunteer a lack of expertise and experience. Maybe he was intending to cum on her. Just a thought.

GG1000 -- I've met the woman Kaltes is talking about and he/she's right. Good looking 21 yo girls shouldn't have too much of a problem finding a boyfriend. The letter screamed HIGH MAINTENANCE to me too, partly because of it's "all you need to know is: 1)I'm hot 2)I'm cool and 3)I don't put up with anything" attitude.

P.S. If Princess is looking for a woman who'll appreciate a bi guy, he should get himself involved in Fandom (not...related to domination in any way way, for those not in the know), especially slash fandom. He won't meet a girl who DOESN'T want a bisexual boyfriend.

Goddamn, this crossdressing bi boy is moving to Seattle if things dont work out here at home :D

What's Stephen Harper got in his platform against homosexuals? As far as I know, he isn't changing anything.

Amen to what GG1000 said about Kaltes! We just read the same letter and response that you did. Do we need your ugly, judgemental and somewhat wrong spewing to help us understand it better?

Thank you so much for including the Canadian election. I think it's very important that we don't get complacent about Stephen Harper up here.

I donated $25 to a non-conservative party just the other day. You're already getting plenty of emails, I'm sure, and I don't have anything in particular I have to ask you, so I won't claim my privileges.

But still, thanks.

I suppose we've reached the point where all those little yaoi fangirls I remember have grown up into "adults"; but I'd be hesitant to suggest it. I think a lot of them would find the IDEA of a bisexual boyfriend [and one who crossdresses!] only appealing, not something they're ready to commit to. As the queerer of us into slash and yaoi always point out: a LOT of yaoi is just heterosexual smut with an extra penis, the uke tends to look and act like a girl, and I think more girls really relate to the uke-chracter and desire the seme-character, than the other way around. Sure sure, there's some out there, and I guess we could say there's a lot of girls with a "gay fetish", I just don't want to see it suggested like it's a failsafe.
Princess, and others like him, sure, get into yaoi/slash, show up to some cons, put your ass out there; but don't limit yourself or think that the ladies you find there are made of sterner stuff.

As a CA resident, I am pretty confident that Prop H8 will die a horrible demise. But getting to help the fight in another state AND getting a reply from Dan? Sign me up for that!

A note to the closet princess: As tacky as it may be, you might want to consider checking out any local Rocky Horror nights. My own penchant for boy-on-boy action and boys in panties was first awoken by the beauty of Tim Curry. The princess needs a queer girl who likes cock.

Closet Princess, don't give up on finding the right girl for you. We are out there. I can't help with where to find us because I met my husband in college and had never even thought about it till he started feeling around to see how I felt about it. Some of us may not give stuff like that a second thought but will love it just because it's you.

Closet Princess Seeking Princess,

Ease a woman into it. Playfully grab her bra and panties, put them on, and then "model" for her. If she responds positively, then start another game, like "If We Had a Threesome, Who of the Same Sex Would You Pick and Why Are They Hot?"

Try the online personals like Craigslist. I met a man who is into a certain fetish that I like, too. Turns out I like him for more than just the sex! If you phrase it, "I'm looking for new friends who are into XYZ. Let's talk and meet in public first...", it takes the edge off of "looking for sex." Its like setting up an adult "play date!" LOL I'm in my 30's. I wish I had figured this out at 23!

Thank you for extending the offer to Canadians donating to anyone other than Harper. I'm still afraid that the non-Conservative vote will be split between the Liberals and the NDP thus putting the Conservatives back in power, but it's better to have them in power on a short leash than in power with a majority.

Actually, kaltes, she might be clueless that her male friends are hitting on her. Some guys are too subtle for clueless girls [like me]. I generally have to depend on my girlfriends to tell me, "He is totally in to you". I just think the guy is being friendly.

Or maybe I should call it "Thick-Skinned" as my friends do. I have accepted my what-ever-it-is, it sure helps me in the workplace when I'm around total misogynists [I work in construction] - I know that the idiots are being mean and why, but it doesn't upset me.

And as for the letter-writer, she might want to confide in her best male buds that she's a little "confused" about dating guys. She might even want to start looking at them as datable partners and ask one of them if they'd go on a "Test Date" with her [her treat] to see if she's socially awkward. If they accept, then yeah, they are probably into her. If they refuse, then they can still be friends. The best relationships start out as friends, in my opinion.

I think Kaltes has it mostly spot on, except for a little sympathy and benefit of a doubt for poor AAU

I could be just what Closet Princess is looking for!

i too am a woman happily in love with a bisexual man. life is good. don't give up... she's out there somewhere!

Wow, kaltes, thanks for the rant. It's telling that a three-line email was able to inspire so much anger and venom in you.

You're wrong, you know. A few years ago, it could have been me writing AAU's email, and I wasn't high-maintenance or bitchy. I was inexperienced and a little tightly wound, which led to awkwardness and an inability to get dates. I just needed to learn how to relax, flirt, and find the fun. Plenty of decent people start dating after 21 (and plenty of decent women have male friends). Ease off the judgment, will ya?

The link to www.sayno2.com above has an extra space in it, so the link's broken. Can't you be more careful about this, Dan? It seems like it happens way too often.

kaltes is right. Those who slam kaltes should probably be avoided as partners, as they are no better than AAU.

To Just Confused:

What you did was great. It showed courage, a healthy self esteem and self belief. Don't doubt what you did was right.

To Just Confused:

What you did was great. It showed courage, a healthy self esteem and self belief. Don't doubt what you did was right.

Gals,

I'm a bisexual cross-dresser myself. When is the best time to tell you? Before we ever have sex? Sometime after? Once the relationship is started?

Sapien, even if you assume hypothetically that the guy wasn't a selfish douchebag who was about to ram it right back into her, and to hell with her right to know if she's having unprotected sex, I still think that a girl nice enough to sleep with you REALLY deserves to be told that you're going to money-shot onto her. That's one of those things I'd say sure, knock yourself out if asked beforehand, but would not be happy to be surprised with.

There are a lot of girls who are into cross dressers and bi guys. I'm straight as a pin, and I love watching two hot, muscley guys go at it. (In fact, I remain confused about why it's OK for straight guys to love watching lesbians, but women are supposed to think gay love is gross. Not even!) I think most women, particularly in places like Arizona, just buy into what they're "supposed" to like without really thinking about it. It's kind of a knee-jerk thing. Also, maybe they weren't ever in a gymnastics class with a beautiful gay Ukranian gymnast whose boyfriend was equally gorgeous... *Swoon*

Cross dressing, too, if done right, is absurdly hot. It's just that, as hard as it is to find a great partner in general, it's just that much harder to find someone who happens to share your kinks. Keep searching, stay cool, and live well. Hopefully it'll all fall into place.

Well done, Confused. Same thing happened to me once. The only thing I regret is not using the tiger claw technique we'd been practicing in the martial arts class I was taking at the time on the little shit. A couple of scars might have deterred him from trying it on some other guy.

Thank You, Dan! Thank you for including Canada, and thank you for showing your support for anything anti-Harper! Canada loves you.

Closet Princess Seeking Princess:

http://yaoi.y-gallery.net/

I think kaltes and welcomerain are being unfair to AAU. Dan's response went as far as her letter justified. Could she be an asshole? Sure. She might just as easily be clueless or insecure (what, only guys can overcompensate?) - or she could just be at a college with a lousy dating scene. I went to a school where there was virtually NO dating - you started a relationship during freshman week and stayed with that person until graduation, or you casually hooked up with someone for a week or two, or you didn't date.

Am I projecting my own experiences onto her letter? Sure. But at least I admit it.

CPSP- I'd watch you.

I've always been into watching men get it on . . . only had the opportunity with someone I was dating once or twice, but it's a big fantasy. As to the cross-dressing? I would have said I wasn't into it, but with a man I love (who, incidentally, had a great ass), seeing him in my panties and silky skirts is a major turn-on. I think just the fact that it makes him so happy makes me happy too. So yeah, women who love this exist, but so do women who would say they don't, until the right man shows up in silk panties, fishnets, a raging hard-on, and a smile . . .

hey kaltes, she said she's good-looking, not drop dead gorgeous and all my friends are great - at least to me... ;-) listen up, alone again: i was also a good-looking 20 yr. old girl with one one night-stand and never a relationship, when I met my first boyfriend. 9 years later, we are still happy together, now married with a kid. and yes, i have a really crappy taste in music (death grunts, anybody?) while he's the ultimate geek. so what, i found out that pc games and dnd are lots of fun.

I agree with Mary in DC. I could have been AAU when I was 21, except that I'd had ONE real boyfriend when I was 19. After him and until I was 23, I just didn't meet anyone I connected with strongly enough, both emotionally and sexually, for a real relationship. I also went to a small, predominantly female university and was in a very predominantly female faculty. When those things changed, so did my love life.

I would only suggest checking out yaoi fangirls if you have a strong tolerance for socially awkward nerdy girls.

Dan's answer to Confused was spot on with one glaring exception - if she has not already done so she should go and get herself tested for STDs. It is surprisingly easy for women to catch sexually transmitted infections. Jump on it, girl! Otherwise, great advice from Dan!

GG101, Kaltes was referring to the asshole who took the condom off, not to the woman having trouble finding a boyfriend.

Christ Kaltes, get over yourself - and maybe get a girlfriend or a hobby, or something.

Confused, you ROCK! I would never have had the metaphorical balls to do that at your age.

Speaking of being much younger, here's another woman who totally relates to AAU. I couldn't seem to sustain a relationship more than 3 weeks for a very long time. Eventually I learned to date more mature guys (and gained some maturity myself) and things started to click.

But, AAU, if you are having casual sex (safely, I hope) because you have a healthy body image and strong libido, more power to you. BUT - if you are having sex because you think it will get you a boyfriend, please rethink. Most of what you will get are nasty hypocritical jerks like Kaltes.

Hi CSPS, I am a girl who is not adverse to your kinks so just keep looking. Of course I also have a few of my own that are usually deal breakers too. Ashland, Oregon isn't that big either.

All I can say is, while my post was definitely a 'rant', I did not pass definitive judgment, instead pointing out red flags, of which single flags might not be too alarming, but taken together don't paint a pretty picture. She could be a very unlucky great catch, and maybe she is, but it just isn't too likely.

For a girl to be 21, attractive, and so unable to get dates/boyfriends that she is lonely, yet she is sexually active, there is a serious disconnect there. It just doesn't add up. You could either believe that the problem is with the entire male gender, or with her. Which is more likely?

Women who fail at dating have a habit of blaming men instead of taking responsibility themselves.

If a woman wants a fuck buddy, have fun. However, when a woman is clearly unhappy and lonely, and she wants a boyfriend, the fact that she is able to get sex partners but not boyfriends is a major tip off. Men might sleep with anything, but they won't commit to anything. If she wants a BF, can't get a BF, but has sex partners, that tells me she wants more from the guys she sleeps with, but gets rejected. Why? I don't know. Like I said, I can only point out red flags, I can't conclusively say what is wrong with her, only that something probably is.

Oh man, I /am/ AAU, practically...

Except I'd have to throw in there the fact that I've come to /know/ I'm picky about guys. I do like guys who are hot, and friendly, and genuine, and interesting, and well, the whole package... That doesn't make me an a-hole -plenty of guys are picky about who they'll commit too.

So sometimes (ok, a lot) I go around grouchy feeling like nobody likes me. But then I remember I'm not interested in plenty of boys at my school, including some of the ones who've been interested in me.

The whole idea about how good-looking girls have boys all over them is nuts though. Sorry. Maybe "total babes" have boys all over them. But I'd say those of us who are merely "above average" have to work as hard to meet someone as the boys do.

Add to that some bad past experiences with guys I've hooked up w/, and the fact I'm more cautious now might make it harder to meet people too.

Good to know many of you have been in AAU's place and feel you're better off now. That gives me some hope, at least...

There are about 800 million girls out there that find guy-on-guy action hot (slash communities, for instance), and they are mostly all on the internet. It's seriously not that hard to find one that you could hit it off with, though you might just have to expand your search outside of Tucson. And also be fit, because there is a big difference, sadly, between a hot guy in some pink, frilly panties and a fat, hairy guy desecrating said pink, frilly panties.

Crosssdressing men are so hot. I love seeing a big bulging cock in pink panties.

Second this.

Thanks Dan, for adding the donation to anyone running against Stephen Harper to the offer!

Kaltes, chill the fuck out. Stop projecting all your insecurities onto this poor girl. When I was 21 years old, I hadn't had a boyfriend either--and it wasn't because I was ugly, insecure, or a "slut" (fuck you, by the way, for that assessment), but simply because I wasn't ready. Even though I felt ready. Everyone goes through this--some of us bloom later than others. Maybe you'd have better luck with women if you stopped acting like a giant asshole, eh?

"1. saying she is good-looking (no humility?)"

Geez, is she allowed to have any self-esteem? You aren't going to get a boyfriend by thinking you're the least unattractive person alive, either. If you don't think you're good looking, why should anyone else?

Lay off, Kaltes. Your assumptions about this poor girl are most likely way off base.

There is nothing wrong with honestly assessing your attractiveness. I also don't see the big deal with having mostly male friends. Most of my friends are male, (I also have a boyfriend of 3 years) and I don't consider my personality to be particularly atrocious either. I prefer male friends simply because my experiences with bitchy women such as yourself turn me off to female friendships.

Ashley, do you think Kaltes is female? See, I'd thought Kaltes was male...

Wow, Kaltes. You're a real douche. Here's hoping you get the humble Guardian of Sexual Virtue doormat you deserve.

You might want to watch them blanket statements, misogyny and, well, idiocy. You do know where you're posting, right?

Wow. I really, really wish people would drop the word "slut" from the English language, just so people would stop using it so freely. Also, women aren't allowed to have multiple male friends, or they probably have "terrible personalities"? Just...just WHAT?

I'm not saying AAU is some perfect little princess who has no responsibility for her lack of a boyfriend. She probably does have some issues, e.g. unclear communication (as evidenced by her letter). But I am saying that generalizations like the ones Kaltes made are just as unfair as blaming all men for one's own personal dating problems.

I hate feminine guys in general (if I wanted to date a female I'd go be a lesbian), but the term "face stuffed with cock" when applied to my bf is makin me have some second thoughts. UH.

Kaltes is an extremely feminine guy, someone needs to go stuff a cock in his mouth. I agree with like half of the stuff he says but DAMN that's a wordy way to say "slut", and he puts even the most talkative females I know to absolute shame.

I'm with GG1000 here. Don't spew your anger here, and anyway, isn't this the last page in the world to judge someone for being a slut? Either you're not paying attention or you're a Savage Love newbie. Good girls get some, too.

I have a theory, anyway, that the hottest of people generally have trouble finding relationships when they're younger, either because people in their early 20s are total assholes (possibly "Alone Again" as well, though most people do grow out of it) or because the really quality guys in their early 20s assume that the hot ones are out of their league. It happened to me, and at 26, the only thing standing in the way of a relationship now is my own fear of commitment. Either I got less hot, or the nice guys have finally realized that treating a woman like a human being is every bit as much a turn-on, in some cases more so, than washboard abs. Though I won't turn those down either.

Hang in there, Alone Again. It gets better.

kaltes you sound like a living in the dark ages asshole. women that are sexually active and not in a relationship are sluts? everyone should have had a boyfriend by 21?
at least let them buy you dinner before you put out? some people have evolved a little since those times, everyones lives do not follow the same rules and its ok to wonder why your not meeting the right guy..
and not all male friends are just there because they want to fuck you, you sound so clueless.

AAU, if she's having all those problems and is sexually active just needs to maybe ask one or several of the guys she can't date (but have sex with) why they won't be her boyfriend. It's a rather easy question with mixed results. It's good to get a postmortem sometimes. Seriously, no judgment here, but she may be doing SOMETHING REALLY (maybe her room is too messy, or she has 45 cats who knows!) obvious to make them scurry away.

i somehow misread alone again unnaturally as saying that she had many gay friends that said she was great and i instantly thought she was chubby. sorry to not contribute anything of value to the discussion.

@ Alone Again Unnaturally
I'm also 21, I've only ever had one boyfriend, but have always had lots of guy friends-
I finally had the guts to ask a really good guy friend from high school why no one was ever into me--
he said I was incredible, intimidating- that I was so confident that they were afraid I'd just shoot them down. Maybe that's it?
(I wouldn't have shot them down, I was so lonely I probably would have fucked any of them. They had no idea.)

To Closet Princess Seeking Princess
There are lots of us out there who love our Bi men. And the cross-dressing is fun especially if you wear the same size as your chick. it is like getting additions to your wardrobe you can "borrow". You know if he is cool on the sharing. Keep the hope alive sweetie and just be positive and stop thinking of it as a kink, I hate that word. It is normal for you and thats all that matters.

while he is a bit of a cock, i feel kaltes makes some valid points

Sarah and others have beat me to it, but I'd also suggest CPSP look into the prospect of yaoi or slash scenes -- with AJ's caveat: Don't ever treat the online fannish communities as a hook-up forum, because that's sure to get anybody's ass kicked to the curb fast.

Yaoists, boyslove (BL) enthusiasts and slashers are all used to their space being predominantly female, homosocial and hetero, a safe haven for closeted women, if you will, to explore their sexual agentivity in all its pornographic glory. So bi girls and boys alike ought to keep in mind, when they happen to turn their attention from fantasy to RL, that many of the fans are in it just for the fantasy. Getting that wrong not only annoys, but threatens something fundamental to many in the community. And if you don't share the fantasy to begin with? Forget finding yourself a friend, let alone a potential girlfriend.

So if I were CPSP I'd try watching some commercial yaoi anime porn online, or reading some gender-bender slash stories, to see if any of the genres out there gets me genuinely interested.

I think Kaltes is on the money about AAU. I've known quite a few women who are completely obnoxious and would have said all the same things, except instead of "never had a boyfriend" they would have said something more like "men are all pigs." While I don't think it was fair to criticize being sexually active without being in a relationship, she probably could stand to act more conservative to net herself a relationship beyond booty call.

To the princess in Tucson, yes, there are tons of people out there who think that bi boys who like to crossdress and femmeboys of all stripes are really, really hot. Most of them, at least where I live, are queer-identified or bi women, and many of them are genderqueers. If there is any sort of bi network in Tucson, that would be a great place to start. The nice thing about this community is that none of them will view bisexuality or crossdressing as a kink; it's just who you are.

Princess, don't lose hope and don't get down on yourself. There are girls that find it attractive. I think it's such a hot idea. A guy and another guy with one in a dress. Yummy! Keep looking, you'll find your girl!

I sense that Kaltes is upset because he feels unnatractive and not like one of the "hot" guys he thinks AAU goes for..

Wow Kaltes, you have some serious issues going on there.

1. Why do you assume the girl is conceited simply because she describes herself as good-looking? A very high percentage of women have body issues; I think we should encourage young women who consider themselves attractive. It's not like she said something like "I'm just too attractive for all of the men I meet."

2. I don't even know where to start here...a sexually active 21-year-old woman is a slut by your definition? Would you say the same about a sexually active 21-year-old guy? "Sexually active" does not necessarily a slut make.

3. I had my first boyfriend at age 22. I know some people who started even later. It doesn't make us freaks...some people just have a harder time finding the right person.

4. Again, angry much? Pretty broad (and unfair) generalization, don't you think?

5. So she can't compliment herself, and she can't repeat her friends' compliments? What CAN she say that you won't pick on: "I'm an ugly person with a terrible personality"?

6. She may have meant over the longer term. I think it's safe to assume she has gone on actual dates.

7. Sure, mentioning a low BS tolerance level could mean that she has a prickly demeanor...but it could also mean exactly what it says. There are some supreme bullshitters out there (but some wonderful men as well!), and it wouldn't surprise me if you were one of them, Kaltes.

"the really quality guys in their early 20s assume that the hot ones are out of their league"

THIS. My fiancé told me that when he first saw me he thought I was WAY out of his league, and he mostly started flirting with me as a joke because he thought he'd never have a chance. Little did he know...

This, the best relationship I've ever had (among a 4-year, a 2-year, and several ~1-year relationships) started with an all-night-long fuckfest with emotional undertones so intense they completely caught both of us off guard. There was certainly no dinner out, just a long history of flirting and a little intoxication. Sometimes it really is a matter of waiting for the right person to come along.

I just HAVE to respond to a couple things kaltes said, though.

>4. "I have many guy friends" (attractive women with all or mostly male friends almost always have terrible personalities.)<

This is flat-out untrue. They could've been the "ugly duckling" who didn't fit in with the other girls early on yet grew up gorgeous; they could just have more stereotypically male interests. God knows I rarely if ever meet other women who are competitive enough to be fun to game with, let alone ones who happen to be attractive.

5. "who tell me that I'm great" (she is great because guy friends say so? that is her proof?)

Who's she going to take at their word - them or you? Is it inevitably insincere when I tell one of my guy friends "holy shit, you look GREAT tonight, you are SO going to get laid" or when they make joking threats if my fiancé were ever to hurt me?

Maybe my difference in opinion here is because I see friendship as something much deeper than mere acquaintance.

AAU sounds like she's probably just still harboring a little bit of awkwardness from her teenage years, or trying too hard. She sounds like she's got middling self-esteem and is trying her damnedest to get that up. I wouldn't call patience a virtue, exactly, but it's damn useful sometimes.

Well said, GG1000. How can anyone, in 2008, call a girl a slut because she's sexually active at 21? It looks like Kaltes has got some serious issues with women who take charge of their sexuality.

Alone Again Unnaturally is 21, which is pretty young. I've been told I'm a reasonably attractive man, but I never had a boyfriend until I was 25. Hey, I could hardly get anyone to look at me except dirty old men. All the guys I slept with before then (who weren't that many, I must admit) told me I was the best lover they'd ever had, but they didn't stick around. Why? Maybe they were lying, or maybe it's because I didn't really like myself and I used arrogance as a defense mechanism to hide the fact that I wasn't comfortable in my own skin. Once I got over my hang-ups and gained some real self-confidence, everything went great. In time she'll find out herself what's pushing potential BFs away (if there is something to find out), but as far as I can see, her only real problem is that she seems to expect guys to love her, and that's a major turn-off to many.

A guy who says to a girl that she's great but who won't go out with her is a guy who's happy to have a female friend and fuck buddy without all the relationship trouble. It doesn't say anything about the girl. She just needs to wait until she finds a guy who wants a relationship. As Salman Rushdie once wrote (in Shame): "life is long." Be patient.

Tucson is small enough he might get recognized?? He's not trying hard enough.

In Kaltes defense...

The slut commentary aside (we all have our slutty phases, nothing wrong with it), there is a definite personality archetype similar to the one he describes: relatively attractive, self-absorbed, and inclined to fuel their ego by collecting male "friends" who have no chance but go through the courtship rituals on futile hope. I have slept with a couple of girls like this in lonelier times, and there's no way I would date them then or now. They are simply too insecure and narcissistic, generally owing to their only redeeming feature is being physically attractive enough to warrant a one-nighter, generally paired with a pointed lack of life experience or intelligence. Not saying AAU is one of these personalities, but it's fairly evident they exist, in my experience, prevalently across the US, and that is the personality I believe Kaltes was describing. I'll also add that less attractive, but genuine, interesting, and worldly girls seldom want for a committed relationship from what I've seen (and who I'm inclined to date).

Closet Princess Seeking Princess is probably looking at the wrong type of girls in Tucson. Tucson is a college town of about 1M people, and about half of the cute girls are college students. They're also mostly very vanilla, inexperienced California girls.

He needs to avoid college bars like Maloney's and hang out in the spicier, local places like the Surly Wench, and to go to the many, many burlesque shows in town (such as Boys-R-Us).

Even if he doesn't find someone immediately, there's a lot of friends to be made that are comfortable with flings into fairyville, and that's where most people will find that special anybody - through a group of like-minded people.

of about 1M people, and about half of the cute girls are college students. They're also mostly very vanilla, inexperienced California girls.

He needs to avoid college bars like Maloney's and hang out in the spicier, local places like the Surly Wench, and to go to the many, many burlesque shows in town (such as Boys-R-Us).

Even if he doesn't find someone immediately, there's a lot of friends to be made that are comfortable with flings into fairyville, and that's where most people will find that special anybody - through a group of like-minded people.

The word (slut) should never be used, what rite doe's any one have to pass jugement on some one for enjoying sex with more than one partner.

For Just Confused, Dan is right, you did exactly the right thing when you kicked his butt out of your life.
Something similar happened to me a few years ago, and I felt confused as well; I couldn't reconcile his obviously deceitful and dangerous behaviour with what I wanted to believe about him. I had been very clear about my condom requirement, we used one, and suddenly it wasn't on his dick anymore! I was terribly upset for weeks after, then I let it go and went out with him a few more times until he ditched me and broke my heart.
Years later I found out he caught something from a girl with whom he had an unprotected evening with and I can't help but laugh a little.
Is there a way you could charge him with statutory rape? He may not have learned his lesson, and continue to target trusting virgins like you were.

Advice for AAU: if you are waiting around for guys to ask you out or move from hookups to relationships, try asking yourself. You sound confident, and most guys are not going to reject a confident, attractive young woman. The comments above mentioning people being intimidated by others they consider out of their league are spot on in my experience - people are TERRIBLE at estimating "leagues," and sometimes someone just needs to get over the nerves and make a move.

I agree with you kaltes on one point; AAU seems a bit overreactive. At 21 AAU it is not the time to panic. I'm 27 with no history of boyfriends and a lot of guy friends who love to dote. If you're like me you don't count a couple of dates as a boyfriend and don't fall for just any guy in a bar. You're plenty young and don't need to worry about having a serious relationship. I believe Dan will agree that getting your rocks off without commitment is perfectly "fun" (especially this early in the game).
Kaltes, sheesh! Lay off the girl. She's not the one that turned you down last week.

A big bunch of kudos to lilyldr for saying exactly what I was hoping to read here. There are a ton of guys who aren't the swaggering macho type (in terms of confidence), and are really hoping that a girl like AAU will make the first move. The man of her dreams could be hanging around with her every night, and be too self-conscious to find out if she'd be interested.

I am so sorry JC! What a major bummer for your first time. My heart goes out to you. I hope you receive whatever love and tenderness you need to cushion you from not having been treasured. If this helps, I'm a 30 year old female, and sex has been getting consistently more real and more enjoyable with time, experience, and self-understanding, which you seem to have a great dose of.

I just want to say I'm so sorry about what happened to you, Just Confused. You were deceived and assaulted while losing your virginity. I'm so sorry. He is an asshole and truly should have his dick chopped off, for letting a young, inexperienced woman give herself to him, and then disrespecting her by assaulting her and risking pregnancy. HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE PERSON. I just want to say I lost my virginity in a similar way and it took me a long time to recover, but I did, and there were sweet, wonderful men in my future.

Good for you for sticking up for yourself. I didn't. You're mature for your age. Keep demanding the respect you deserve, until you find a man who gives it to you.

As for the guy you kicked to the curb... let him cry. Enjoy it, if you can. Never sugar-coat the truth to him, of what a douche he is and how he fucking left a huge wad of shit in your memory, but you're moving right on. What a narcissistic baby. Part of the reason he's crying, you should know, is that he no longer controls you. he thought he was in control. The longer he cries, congratulate yourself on teaching him the lesson he deserves and needs. Good luck!

1. to em:

Yes, being "too picky" is one reason a girl can be attractive and yet hopelessly single. Another way to say this is that a girl like that is hoping to get lucky by meeting a guy who for some strange reason will settle for her. When you say "hot, and friendly, and genuine, and interesting, and well, the whole package..." yet you admit you are only an "above-average" girl, I think you are just being greedy, and you deserve to be single. Men care even more about looks than women, so an above average looking girl holding out for a committment from a hot man is bound to stay single.

Sometimes women need to understand that a lot of men who wouldn't give them a second glance if they were looking for a girlfriend, would nonetheless be happy to hook up with them. I know "hot" guys with great looking girlfriends who cheat with "above average" or even average girls! When girls get big heads thanks to sleeping with guys who are out of their relationship league, they get a big gap between what they want and what they're offering.

2. to Shannon Murphy:

I don't need any more luck with women. I do just fine, thank you. Maybe you weren't ready 21, but AAU clearly has been ready, which is why she is distressed enough to mail in to Savage Love.

3. to Nicole:

I didn't say she had no humility, I pointed out a red flag. It is possible that she is SMOKIN HOT and being modest, but people who toot their own horn which she did repeatedly, often aren't that great. A red flag is a warning, not a final judgment. It means there MIGHT be a problem. Dan eviscerated a guy who wrote a similar letter some time ago, basically calling the guy an asshole. You women probably cheered Dan on for that one.

4. to Ashley:

Well when people are writing to an advice columnist who publishes the letter and advice publicly, they are inviting judgments and observations from the public.

I've met a few women who don't have female friends. I could pretty well put these women into two groups: tomboys and bitches. When I see women accusing other women of being catty, drama, or bitchy, it usually means the accuser is the one causing it, because she is the common factor. There are rare exceptions, as always.

5. to KDot:

You make me laugh. Girl power! ;)

6. to Sarah:

Women who let themselves be used for sex when they want something more might be called sluts by men depending on the number of different men involved. Women who are happily have sex with no strings and no regrets are not sluts to men, but plenty of other women would certainly call them that.

Also, learn to read. I wrote "attractive women with all or mostly male friends" not "multiple" male friends, which isn't unusual at all. I should have said "all or nearly all" though.

7. to tallnlovelynggg:

"Don't spew your anger here"? Good advice, I wonder if all the women spewing anger over my post would follow it? LOL, yeah right!

8. to B.B.:

Everything you wrote is called a "straw man" argument. Look it up. Basically you changed the substance of everything I wrote to make it seem retarded. Good job.

9. to breakfast:

Haha that was a good one. ;)

10. to falconswan:

Well I am not critical of any woman being sexually active without relationships if that is what she likes, far from it, I'd be happy to encourage more of it! Put female viagra in the water supply and knock Dan off his high horse about all the fun gay men get to have that straight men only dream about.

But when you have a woman who is settling for less than what she wants and is unhappy as a result, that is a problem for her.

11. to Rosco's Chicken:

There is no way to know how "hot" AAU rates, or where her hotness cut-off is. Maybe she would f*ck me, maybe not, but I wouldn't f*ck her. I'm certainly not jealous of the men she sleeps with, though. I don't use women for sex, and I wouldn't care if a woman like AAU "rejected" me because I wouldn't touch her with a 10 foot pole to begin with.

12. to Jess:

I didn't assume anything, I just pointed out possibilities. Didn't call anyone a slut, let alone a freak. Some women start late, and good for them, but they don't write in to Savage Love complaining that they can't get a man.

I'm not angry at all, actually. There isn't any hostility in anything I've written, unlike many of those who responded to me, including you. Thanks for the personal attack, Jess! ;)

13. to elly:

Yep, sometimes random hookups can turn into serious relationships. Probably not the BEST way to look for a LTR, but it can happen. It is certainly more fun than sexless dating.

I stand by the "women with all male friends" red flag, as it is well known and well justified. I didn't get into details about it, but yes there is a "tomboy" exception, and while it holds true in general, hence the red flag, there are always exceptions.

14. to dudewiththeface:

I don't think she is the type you mention, which I agree exists because I know a few, because those girls who keep male hangers-on around are strong and manipulative. I don't think AAU is either. I think she is the one who gets manipulated, which is why she put in the defensive "not putting up with bullshit" line.

15. to kittyclitty:

I don't have to worry about girls turning me down, but in a more interesting side-note, you seem to fit in the "type" that dudewiththeface mentioned. A lot of guy friends who dote? Fits the bill.

to CPSP:

cross-dressing men with male-on-male interests are completely sexy!! and there are other women out there who will agree with me. tucson has a great alternative scene, with some equally kinky or GGG girls. don't be discouraged, just have some patience and the right resources to find what you want.

Kaltes-
I feel insulted by some of the points in your various posts, as I'm sure AAU does as well. Do not discount the possibility that AAU is simply a confident, attractive woman who men feel intimidated by.

I am an attractive woman. In my late teens, I went through a phase where I had a number of short flings. Most of my friends are male, and they all think I'm absolutely wonderful. I didn't find a real boyfriend until I was nearly AAU's age. I didn't put up with any bullshit, and I did wonder at times whether there was something wrong with me .

I am confident, and have a good body image, I am not full of myself. And yes, some people did call me a slut. I have a friendly, if assertive and somewhat geeky personality. My male friends love that they can relate to me as one of them.

I suppose I could've switched majors, started spending more time on my hair, plucked my eyebrows and gotten more female friends. I could've denied my sexual urges and refused to have sex with anyone who wasn't a "boyfriend". I could've found new hobbies that were less geeky. I might've found a boyfriend quicker. But then I wouldn't be myself

It took me a few years longer than average to find a boyfriend, but for the past couple years I have been in a wonderful, loving relationship with a man who appreciates me for who I am. The irony is, we wouldn't be dating if I wasn't that cute little larper girl he'd gotten into an argument about theoretical physics with.

Love that you're in touch with Canadians! Stephen Harper has stated that he will not revisit the gay marriage laws here, but the guy seems to bend to whatever will keep him in power... so who knows what could happen if he got a majority. Thank goodness things are good for now. I wholeheartedly support the Californians and Floridians in their respective movements.

Closet Princess,
Just another reassurance to add to the pile. I also am a woman in a relationship with a bi, cross-dressing, man. We've been together for 5 years (we met at university). And he's been with his primary girlfriend for about 3 now (they met through mutual friends).
There are a lot of women who find your particular kinks super hot. When you bring the topic up don't let it be a big shameful reveal. Just present it as something that you enjoy and would enjoy even more with their help.
Good luck.

Yikes, kaltes. Even Dan couldn't analyze much with that little info. I know plen-ty of amazing, undeniably hot 20-somethings who have no luck dating (some are still virgins). It's usually a mix of being around too many college dudes, a generation of people who 'don't date' and a generation of guys who expect anal on the first date.

I read Dan every week & am considered to be 'in the know', but now I'm confused - when was anal removed from the 'first date' itinerary?

kaltes,

The whole "men care more about looks than women do" thing is a huge wad of generalizing bullshit. Plenty of women are very visual in terms of what turns them on. Some men are less so.

So on the idea men are allowed to try and seek above them in terms of looks, but women who do the same should expect to get used/treated badly? Bullshit. That's just a result of our sexist culture -but nothing fair about that.

That being said, it's not like I actively try to seek above myself in terms of leagues or anything. I just go after people who I'm attracted to. I really don't know how others perceive me all the time, in terms of how attractive they find me or whatever. But, I've found hooking up is far more satisfying for me with someone who visually turns me on. And yes I have thought out and made the decision that I would rather have uncommitted sex with someone who turns me on as opposed to lousy sex with someone who'll dote on me but who I'll look at and just go *eh*.

(because that's not fair to either of us)

Also Kaltes,

I also think it's very important to make the point here that assholery is not limited to "hot" guys. I've known various sorts of assholes, and I have to say the one I would consider the worst was, in my opinion, quite homely, and quite attracted to me, to boot...

I also wonder whose opinion SHOULD we trust, do you think, to determine whether we're attractive? Guy friends? Guys who want to date us? Female friends? Female strangers? Because, I've gotten a pretty wide variety of opinions on my looks, anything from "you're cute" to "you're very beautiful and unique looking." I'd imagine part of that is due to the subjective nature of visual appeal, and part of that is due to varying levels of honesty and intent -but really now, from where are we allowed to adopt our self-image? Hotornot.com? Whether or not we could be a contestant on America's Next Top Model?

Agreement with Sarah, CPSP - Find yourself a geek, especially a geek into anime! There are plenty of hotties out there, as long as you don't mind the fact that she'll probably like dressing up in costume as a guy from time to time and potentially making out with other girls doing the same.

Google search for some anime events in your area, and listen for the following phrases by the ladies - 'shounen ai' (show-nen-eye), 'yaoi' ('yah-oi' or 'yowee', depending on how badly they mispronounce it), slash, or BL. All of these basically mean "homosexual romance", which is as popular as lesbians with straight men among most anime-loving women. Sure, not all of them are into it, but a lot of them are even if they don't admit it. Be honest that you have no idea about this subculture but display a genuine interest in learning, and be sure to ask for their opinions on "what's good".

1. Kiki: Guys who 'don't date' and expect anal on the first date are supremely arrogant. They are a small minority of men, but a large minority of "HOT" men. Women who date these men get what they deserve.

hitterintheshitter: You are my hero. Hilarious :D

2. em:

First, yes, men do, on average, care more about looks than women do. That means they place higher VALUE on looks and are willing to trade lots of other things in order to get a good looking girl, which is why people say that men like bitches. They don't, but men will put up with bitches as long as the bitch is hot.

Conversely, women don't have much to offer hot men if they aren't hot themselves. The biggest thing they can offer is convenience, hence the booty call. So women who like to date hot men, but who are not hot themselves, usually end up as booty calls.

You admitted that, A LOT, you are unhappy/grouchy because you feel nobody likes you. You also said that you've had bad past experiences with the guys you've hooked up with. Clearly, the status quo is not working for you.

You present a false choice between having uncommitted sex with a hot guy, or having lousy but committed sex with a non-hot who you aren't attracted to.

Your attitude is like someone who walks into a car dealership and says "I want a FERRARI, but I only have $1,000!" The dealership would tell you that you can't buy a Ferrari for that, but you could rent one for an hour. So that is what you do, you rent the Ferrari for 1 hour, have a blast, then spend the rest of your time sad that you can't afford a car.

You can't afford a Ferrari, and you can't land any of the guys you are attracted to. If you really want to take steps to improve your life, here is what you do:

Step 1. Take a hard, even cruel, look in the mirror and make a sober assessment of your flaws as well as your good traits.

Step 2. (1) take steps to improve yourself to get into a position where hot men might want more from you than uncommitted sex, AND/OR (2) change you attitude so you stop looking down on men who have every bit as much to offer as you do, so you can broaden your dating pool enough to have a shot at meeting someone you, GASP, might really like, and who would actually reciprocate your feelings for a change. If you don't think the women who are happy now did some combination of (1) and (2), you are kidding yourself. Notice the woman who found a great guy said he got her into Dungeons & Dragons? Somehow I doubt your sex partners thus far have been part of the D&D playing crowd.

I never said hot guys are assholes. Just because a hot guy enjoys fucking you but doesn't want to commit doesn't make him an asshole. He is only an asshole if he knows you want more but he manipulates you and strings you along without any intention of giving you more.

To gauge how attractive I am, I (1) look in the mirror, (2) ask people who I feel I can trust and who won't bullshit me, and (3) pay attention to the actions, not words, of the women I date. Attraction does vary to some degree, but when you talk to enough people you will start hearing a lot of the same things about what your good/bad traits are.

Or you could send me a picture. rofl jk