Columns Mar 19, 2009 at 4:00 am

Savage Love

Rape Date

Dan Savage
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Comments

102
@ shouldwaited

Living your hell myself, right down to the birth control issue. I actually came right out and told her I didn't want to have sex with anyone but her, but that I DID want to have sex. Everyone else here who is trying to espouse all the PC psychobabble don't know what it's like to be totally in love with your wife, but not be able to love her. No advice for you, just commiseration.
on March 24, 2009 at 11:17 AM Report this
103
Apparently I'm late to the game.... Talibangelists is now, * boop *, added to my lexicon.
on March 24, 2009 at 12:37 PM Report this
104
Advice for a Rape Date: Not on the first date.
In fact, I'd want something like 4 dates for this.
1st date: just talk
2nd date: straight sex
3rd date: wrestling on the floor; no sex
4th date: now maybe you're ready for rape play
on March 24, 2009 at 4:19 PM Report this
105
Cacilda Jethá, MD has never been laid properly.
on March 25, 2009 at 3:19 AM Report this
106
"It never ceases to amaze me how many people who aren't interested in sex—who consider sex to be trivial and unimportant—nevertheless deny their frustrated partners permission to do this trivial, unimportant thing with others."

It makes perfect sense to me. If a woman is married to a man who believes that being in love automatically equals wanting to have sex, wouldn’t it be natural for her to assume he believes that wanting to have sex automatically equals being in love? And wouldn’t it then be a natural fear for her that if he started having sex with another woman, he would develop feelings for her and leave his wife?

on March 25, 2009 at 9:48 AM Report this
107
I'm still waiting for my rape fantasy to come true.

I'm thinking-getting attacked and raped at Greenlake.
on March 26, 2009 at 1:27 AM Report this
108
"My wife does not want to have sex, and does not want to let me have sex with others."

Tough shit for her. She can't have one without the other. Anyway, what is she going to do about it? Divorce you? Why not beat her to the punch on that one? She's esentially divorcing you already.

If it's some problem she has, it's up to her to deal with it. Or else she's essentially divorcing you that way.
on March 26, 2009 at 3:59 PM Report this
109
Dan... best thing I ever read... I left an 8-year relationship (rather hastily, for another woman) for the reason that I felt like Archie Bunker sitting there, after many years, and many attempts to provoke a sexual relationship (that dies, quite quickly, by the way, once you've been snagged) that could NEVER have happened, in a million years, because there was so much sexual abuse in her past she never faced. I found this out on my way out the door of our relationship... Motherf*ck! I spent too many years thinking I was an unfuc*able, fugly beeyatch, because she never told me.... Point is... that sh*t sucks... SO glad you brought it up!!!!! xo from Toronto!!!!!
on March 28, 2009 at 1:41 AM Report this
110
Cacilda Jethá, MD

No disrespect meant... but have you considered counselling, doctor? Worried about your patients, is all.
on March 28, 2009 at 1:45 AM Report this
111
Dan... best thing I ever read!!!!!
I left an 8-year relationship (rather hastily, for another woman a couple of years ago... Not a thing I EVER thought I would do... but I TOTALLY fell head over heels, and am still, 2 years later, in love with this lady!!!)
At some point, I 'fogged out' or something during my previous relationship.
I felt like Archie Bunker sitting there in an old-fart, dead relationship. Sexually, after many years, and many attempts to provoke a sexual relationship that would NEVER have happened, in a million years, I learned that there was so much sexual abuse in her past that she never faced with me or herself. I found out the level and frequency of abuse... which was WAAAAY more than she intoned initially on this topic. I, only then, realized my whole sexual life with her was gross for her ... on the last day of US!... On my way out the door of our relationship!
Motherf*ck! That hurt!!!
I am still reeling from that lack of info 'abuse'! Not fair, not fair!!! I could have helped if I knew!
Anyhoo...
I spent too many years thinking I was an unfuc*able, fugly beeyatch, because she never told me.... Point is... that sh*t sucks... SO glad you brought it up!!!!! xo from Toronto!!!!!
on March 28, 2009 at 2:11 AM Report this
112
shouldawaited,

It could be that she's cheating on you. Some women lose interest in her husband when the relationship is no longer exciting and then find someone else. But even if it's not that, check out www.marriagebuilders.com
on March 29, 2009 at 4:16 PM Report this
113
Wow HappyNow, you sound like a real catch. Can't understand why your ex wasn't more up front about her past – maybe it would have made her even fuglier in your eyes.
on March 29, 2009 at 8:49 PM Report this
114
just my two cents: boys lie about vasectomies. just ask my second baby.

mind you, only pathological sociopaths lie about vasectomies; but by the time you find out that's what they *really are*, it's pretty much too late.

yeah, brad, i'm talking to you, you fucker. where's my child support, bitch?
on March 29, 2009 at 11:55 PM Report this
115
I, too,have rape fantasies and have indulged them occasionally with men I've picked up online. Each time I do, I swear it's too dangerous and I'm not going to do it again, but nothing beats forced, rough sex with a stranger.
on April 1, 2009 at 12:48 PM Report this
116
shouldawaited - when you do make love how much attention do you pay to your wife? Do you make sure she reaches orgasm too? Because if the love making stops when only you are satisfied then sex probably just feels like another household chore to her. Get the girl a vibrator!
on April 13, 2009 at 3:13 AM Report this
117
Shoulda waited...
Remember all those Peanuts cartoons about Lucy pulling the football away? That's what it was about.
on April 19, 2009 at 8:13 PM Report this
118
Dan, it's "uninterested," not "disinterested." The latter means a lack of bias; the former, a lack of caring.
on April 24, 2009 at 10:10 PM Report this
119
Dear Dave,

I have only recently discovered your collemns and I find that you write beautifully-insightful without being stuffy and humorous without pretension.

As such, I would like to ask if you could provide me with some advice.

I am a 21 year old single lady who, up until last October, was in a 7 month relationship that involved a brief stint living together. The relationship was not a happy one-in essence, I had fallen for a man who was practically a carbon copy of my father: Alcoholic, emotionally repressed, mentally instabe, manipulative and melancholy.

There was much emotional abuse involved and towards the end, my confidence hit rock bottom.
After months of papering over the cracks, I ended it for the sake of my dignity and my sanity.

That was nearly 3 months ago.

I haven't seen or heard from my ex since as I cut off all contact. Deleted his number, email and blocked him from my IM programs.

I also generally avoid the places he's prone to hanging out in as I fear that if I *DO* bump into him, I won't be held accountable for my actions.

I do NOT want to get back with him in any way shape or form, but my main problem is his mother.

As I live in a quintessential Irish town, there's little I can do to prevent from bumping into her and whilst we never really had much in common, I find that lately, she is using every opportunity to befriend me.

Bare in mind, when I was living with my ex, it was in his mother's house and I regularly had to put up with verbal abuse and threats of violence from her psychotic boyfriend whilst she stood idly by and more or less stuck her fingers in her ears going "La-la-la, not listening".

I hold contempt towards her for this but I am too polite to let it be known. what I would like to know is this:

How do I let her know that I want absolutely nothing to do with her, her deadbeat son and certifiably insane partner without offending her as I worry she try to slander me in retaliation.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

All the best.

-Sarah, from Ireland
McChubbin on January 29, 2010 at 7:34 PM Report this
120
Where is that letter about that dude who goes to a hotel room and has sex with "a woman" with a towel over her head in the dark? I haven't read that one in ages but it is pure comedy gold.
Frederica Bimble on February 12, 2011 at 5:38 AM Report this
121
This is not to common but happens sometimes. A loss of interest in sex can be caused by a myriad of reasons. Out of balance hormones is one that is common. If this is the case she can be treated and you can have a healthy sex life again. I would not assume that she is being unfaithful until you have enough physical evidence that she is. This just adds to the already stressful situation. http://afteraffair.net
globalx on March 4, 2011 at 10:53 PM Report this
122
Please, this story has played many times on Law & Order SVU. Consent rape gone wrong. A trick by some woman and a power trip to get men in trouble.
Atlantarunner on August 24, 2011 at 10:45 AM Report this
123
Thinking Of Joining A Harem- You say the vasectomy is a deal breaker, why go any farther?
Troy from IN on October 3, 2011 at 2:58 PM Report this

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