Savage Love

That's Leotarded

Comments

1
I just finished reading "Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel. I dunno that it would solve Let Me Have It's problem, but it's an interesting read on the issue.
2
This product called "the Cup" sounds bizarre. Is it really all that popular, or is this a late April fools joke?
3
With you on twitter, Dan.
4
I think if he won't fuck you when you have your period, that is one week he can do without. Try it for a coupla months, you won't need the "cup."
5
The problem with the cup is that a lot of women can't actually wear it effectively due to poor fitting issues.

LMHI has a specific someone in mind he'd like to sample, I'm pretty sure. Chances are, GGG gf knows and knows who.
6
Gee, Dan - Your response to TROS and her reasonable request re: "Leotarded" was mean-spirited. And the ongoing "leotard" comments throughout the column came off as petty, not funny. Maybe wanna think of how your response might be taken by others, and maybe throw this particular community an apology? You don't have to be universally nice to everyone, but it would be great if you weren't mean towards people with disabilities and their families.
7
Menstrual cups are apparently really convenient and yes, getting more popular (I have several friends who use and love them), but I hopped over to the A/V Club version of SL last week and am still shaking my head over that chick's whiny boyfriend. My husband isn't exactly adventurous when it comes to bodily fluids, but even he thinks making a big deal about what's providing the lubrication is ridiculous.
8
Re cup: The link takes us to this week's column. Also, why didn't your whole column appear online here in the first place? I'm so confuused...
11
What you need to do is integrate twittering into your drinking time, Dan. Just get one of the TSARY to follow you around and do the typing.
12
I wish more people would draw the line at Twittering. God I tweeting hate it.

Avoiding browser history is easier said than done – if you want to keep yours (and reference it), you can't set the browser to clear everything. A good solution – use two different browsers. Also, find some eco-friendly, fem-positive, union-produced porn!
13
LMHI's girlfriend sounds perfect - and heartbroken. I hope things work out for them.
14
Twitter is such a fake trend. It's another case of something old people think that young people like. Stay strong, Dan.
15
TROS - Hurrrrrr. I've got a close friend whose mentally disabled sister has been a Special Olympian so many times it'd make you blush in shame. She may not have the brain power beyond what the doctors have deemed eight years old, but she'd almost certainly point and snort at you. She will tell you that it's just so much nitpicking--and she came to that conclusion herself, no help, after seeing enough overreactions like yours. She says "They don't mean me. They don't mean people like me. Why should anyone care?" She also had probably the only sane response to that whole Obama/Special Olympics thing, as she saw right through the media bullshit. Those retards can surprise you. And they DON'T need YOU to defend them, either, TROS. Trust me.

It's called perspective, TROS. Try it. And Dan, I'd personally substitute "stupid" for "retarded" to avoid this kind of nonsense in the future. It's how I broke myself of the habit you currently have. Those who are mentally retarded cannot help it. Stupid people, however, can absolutely help it. Just remind yourself of this fact and keep using "stupid," "ought to know better" and "willfully ignorant". (You have to add that qualifier--ignorant people can't help it til they're taught otherwise, but you CAN choose to be willfully ignorant. It's all about choice here.)
16
LMHI needs to break up with her, honestly, gently, and sooner rather than later. it's possible to have a decent break-up-- painful but with some integrity and respect in both directions. they can both figure their shit out and get back together if its right or not if its not. but dan's right about the opening thing-- a tearful and pressure-ful allowing of outside sex is not a good direction in which to take a completely loving and GGG relationship. no matter how hard she tries, if she's not actually on board its going to eat her up inside and make her insecure and all of those loving chore-sharing GGG goodnesses are going to go out the damn window.
17
stop being an insensitive leotard, Dan
18
OTO may not be snooping on her boyfriend's web history.

On my browser, if the history is not cleared, as soon as I start typing a web address, the old web addresses in the history will appear in a drop down menu, although only the ones that begin with the same letter. I'm sure a lot of people are familiar with this.

So, even without trying, she will know what porn her boyfriend has been looking at.
19
ok, so this "first" business is total idiocy.

OTO doesn't need to "snoop" to find her asshole's porn (assuming her asshole knows she thinks it's assholish to look at the stuff_
and they share a computer) == all she has to do is type in something that begins with the right letter, and it will pop up.

LMHI's girlfriend, DTMFA; he's a jerk.

And Instead rocks. Even squeamish boys can deal with it (unless they're really hopeless and shouldn't even try to have sex at all).



20
Christopher is right, Dan. Your "leotard" attempt at humor came across as trying to have your cake and eat it too... Except who eats cake that's made of mocking people who care about mentally disabled people? Even with the tasty priviledge frosting. You'd probably not say "that's so gay" about stuff that was in fact bad and not related at all to gayness. Have some compassion.
21
Sounds to me like LMHI is simply not ready to settle down; maybe it's his maturity level (29 is not that old, and he's been coupled since age 24), maybe it's not the right relationship -- but his gut is speaking clearly, and there's no point trying to rationalize the situation based on how good it SHOULD be.

If he does not feel a wholehearted desire to be in the relationship, then he will continue to make them both miserable.
22
*I* think "leotarded" is hilarious Dan. Don't let leotarded people push you around.
23
Ladies, we need to get something straight here (yes, I'm a lady too). The vast majority of men in "committed" relationships cheat to one degree or another. If they don't, it's usually because they can't or it's not very easy for them -- they're not attractive, for example. If you have a desirable man, sooner or later either there's going to be some form of affair or he's going to leave you. What to do about this? It's surprisingly simple, actually: Rethink your need for commitment. Yes, I'm serious. Instead of demanding that you be enough for him, realize that your demand itself makes you his ball & chain, his prison, and thus guarantees his need to escape from you. Instead, be the woman he comes to of his own free will every time out of desire, not out of some kind of resignation or duty. This way YOU, not all those other women, get to be the not-quite-attainable object. Get your own house. Get your own life. As long as you don't need him, he will never tire of you.
24
The "Instead" menstrual cup rocks. My husband and I are both squeamish about sex during my period, so that hasn't come up, but I love that I can put one in and leave it there for hours, even if I have to use the bathroom a lot. It's especially great for travel, when I used to dread fussing with feminine hygiene products in an airplane john. And after the first day (when my cervix is tender) it's so comfortable I sometimes forget it's there.

They advertise it for sex. You'd want to change it shortly before sex, but I'm sure it works great.
25
You're a dick, Dan.
26
Agree with clembot: you don't have to consciously look for browser history to reach fourth-degree snooperdom: browsers 'conveniently' auto-complete for you when you start typing an address, or a Google search, etc.

Also (not to knock on porn sites), many porn sites are notorious for filling your browser with crap, especially if you browse in Internet Explorer. While clearing history (and hopefully cookies, at least) won't do a whole lot, it's better than nothing.
27
Papayas: Click on the Portland Mercury link on the bottom of the page, and navigate to Dan's column that way.

I used to have the same problem as AFTER. No sex on the rag, whatsoever. Actually, my last and current SO were not into it at all, condom or no. It really pisses you off knowing that you get to clean their spunk out of you (monogamous and on hormonal b.c., not being irresponsible) after they finish, and yet they won't just buck the fuck up and put on a condom and get the job done.

Gentlemen, a few things to note: your love nog exiting the vagina does not feel ANYWHERE close to as pleasurable to us as it did to you putting it in there. Imagine thick snot running out of your asshole, that you have no control over. God forbid you cough or sneeze. Also, it is much easier to wash blood off than to clean come OUT.

(To all my bleeding ladies out there: I feel ya. I solved my issue by getting on a b.c. method that stopped my periods completely. Not for HIM, of course, but because of other health issues.)

In conclusion, all of the menstruate-phobic men out there can spend THAT week fucking themselves. Leotards.
28
Papayas: Click on the Portland Mercury link on the bottom of the page, and navigate to Dan's column that way.

I used to have the same problem as AFTER. No sex on the rag, whatsoever. Actually, my last and current SO were not into it at all, condom or no. It really pisses you off knowing that you get to clean their spunk out of you (monogamous and on hormonal b.c., not being irresponsible) after they finish, and yet they won't just buck the fuck up and put on a condom and get the job done.

Gentlemen, a few things to note: your love nog exiting the vagina does not feel ANYWHERE NEAR as pleasurable to us as it did to you putting it in there. Imagine thick snot running out of your asshole, that you have no control over. God forbid you cough or sneeze. Also, it is much easier to wash blood off than to clean come OUT.

(To all my bleeding ladies out there: I feel ya. I solved my issue by getting on a b.c. method that stopped my periods completely. Not for HIM, of course, but because of other health issues.)

In conclusion, all of the menstruate-phobic men out there can spend THAT week fucking themselves. Leotards.
29
Hear hear, Christopher--you said it better than I could. Using 'retarded' as an insult is no better than 'gay' or 'faggy'. And it's wonderful that yep.'s friend's sister can shrug off ableist language, but it is still very hurtful to many people.

Seconding the use of "stupid" / "willfully ignorant" as a reasonable replacement, however.
30
It's retarded to change it to leotarded.
31
LMHI seems to be an arrogant and selfish douchebag- his girlfriend should break up with him and find another dude who is worth her time!
32
I'm feeling rather underwhelmed by the whole "leotarded" bit. How exactly is "that's so retarded" any more acceptable than "that's so gay"? Would he be mocking people who pointed out that "that's so gay" is offensive?
33
LMHI: I am many years older than you, a divorcee who's lost it all, and I will say with all the wisdom of my years that you would be a fool to break up with this girlfriend of yours.

Your problem is not that the sex has gotten boring. Your problem is not that you miss falling in love or that other women wish you were single.

Your problem is you. Your problem is that you don't appreciate what you have. And you will not have any clue how good you had it, until you've lost it all.
34
OK, here's the thing. I, myself, routinely use a browser history as a shortcut to sites I've visited recently. Yes, I bookmark, I have bookmarks organized in nested folders. But sometimes using the browser history is just quicker.

I, myself, once got an eyeful of porn on a campus library computer when taking a turn after someone who had come to the US from a repressive country the day before and hadn't learned how to close a browser properly yet. And I can't say that he and I had similar tastes in porn, either.

So, she isn't necessarily snooping when she sees the porn URLs in the browser history. That's all I'm saying.
35
You don't have to snoop to stumble across someone's browsing history's. When I was typing in "www.craigslist.com" one day my history suggested "www.californiahotties.com". I think it's only natural to be curious. I don't care if my boyfriend looks at porn, I just prefer not to know about it. I just don't need to questions that brings up. Because I love and trust my man, and understand certain things intellectually, but I have a jealous gene. So I set up separate user accounts on our computer. No big deal.
36
Meh, I, for one, have never been too bothered about the "retarded" thing, and I have four retarded brothers (three of whom have less than 15-word vocabularies). Calling something stupid "retarded" is not like calling something stupid "gay". Retarded people are stupid; that's the definition of retarded! Not to mention the fact that words like "idiot", "moron" and "imbecile" all used to be correct, clinically precise terms for the mentally disabled. Are we to not use those, either? Even "dumb" is more offensive, when you think about it: it acquired its current meaning from the idea that mute people couldn't speak because they were too stupid to do so!
37
Is Dan behaving like a teenager with 'leotard-gate' or is this some sophisticated irony? I don't find it offensive, I find it embarrassing. What drew me to this column was the adult, balanced and intelligent advice - seems this has been replaced with adolescent drivel. Shame...

OTO - set up user accounts on PC!
38
Has AFTER's boyfriend ever had anal sex with her, or with anyone else, really? I find it absolutely bizarre how many men are all gung-ho to try anal, but balk at having sex while she's on her period. Apparently, they've seen too much porn and think the anus is squeaky clean.
39
The instead cup is a pretty good product, definitely worth a try, but might not work for intercourse. It certainly doesn't fit me well enough for that; I'm sort of jealous.
Good luck!
40
Relationships run their course and love (most of the time) fades away. LMHI might have put it in a slightly gauche way but why stick around for fifty more years of a dead relationship? Besides, it sounds like he needs someone to challenge him, not a doormat.
41
I really couldn't believe your use of leotarded either Dan. While I understand the point that cheesegirl makes about common word usage, that's not really my issue. My problem is that as a journalist you need to be held to a higher standard. Imagine the Christian right getting ahold of this column. Their response headline would read, "Miserable 'laggots' can dish it out but not take it!" And they'd be right. How dare we, as a group who advocates removing gay slurs from our culture, turn around and make fun of another group who was just "born that way?"
I know you do a bunch of columns that end up replying to/recanting something you said in your last column, but they are generally just pithy retractions with some sort of back-handed "I was still sort of right" thrown in there. Please don't do that here. Either agree, or don't apologize.

42
What's so hard about having separate logons for the computer? He does his thing, logs out, she logs on and does her thing. Simple.

To be honest, using a shared computer without separate accounts squicks me. More than menstrual blood during sex (yes, I'm a bad lesbian - I don't want to fuck when there is a lot of blood around).
43
Good way to avoid the browser history problem. Use Google Chrome as your browser. It has a feature called incognito that doesn't save any browser history at all. Whenever he wants to porn it up, just open up an incognito window and he can do whatever he wants without it showing up in the history. It's basically the porn feature of Google Chrome.
44
The girl who doesn't like her boyfriend's browser history could just set up a seperate user account on the same PC, rather than getting different laptops. A lot cheaper and it just takes a few seconds.

My girlfriend uses the cup and we're happy with it.

Last, but not least, the leotarded comments were a bit silly. Dan, a while back you urged a fellow who wrote in to stop using the phrase, "That's gay". One would hope you'd give other groups similar respect. Couldn't you just say, "That's so stupid"?
45
Leotard isn't working, Dan. Why not just use 'idiot', 'moron', or 'fool'? Those once-clinical terms have receded far enough into the past that offense is unlikely to be taken.

Ray
46
Is it still OK to say "fucktard"?
47
Actually I think "Leotarded" is a bit sexist, as it conjures the image of ballet and dance classes, which, arguably, are "feminine" in our culture. On the other hand I applaud your finding a rhyme, witty, but like Christopher (above) I agree that it's mean. Now the problem is finding a suitable alternative. I thought immediately of leg warmers (as they are undoubtably the stupidest apparel yet) but again the problem of sexism.

So what about just plain old "stupid"? I think as a culture we've lost our appreciation of "stupid". It's such a throwaway word. Still, as an intelligent person I can think of nothing more denigrating than telling me that I'm willfully not using brain, or using it in a self-destructive manner. Unlike, sadly, our less fortunate mentally challenged friends who are probably using theirs just fine but encountering problems that may tax their capability. In fact we could probably learn something from them and uncomplicate our lives a bit if we weren't so stupid. Even Whoppi Goldberg made a good case for "stupid" being a better insult.

In your tradition of creating words, like "saddlebacking" and "santorum" I would like to see you bring back "stupid". It should be something deeply associated with boneheaded moves and that dumb face I make when I cum.
48
I almost peed my leotard laughing so hard!!!!
49
Why don't you use "lomo" and "ligger" as terms of derision? Oh yeah, because you're too much of a coward to put your money--and I mean your future book royalties, honoraria, etc.--where your mouth is.

Being white is no longer a qualification for being president, and being straight is increasingly not a qualification for getting married. This country is on the move, and you're disparaging my adorable little daughter on the basis of her having a genetic disorder.

Well fuck you. The times are changing and you're getting left behind. Enjoy hanging out with neanderthals like Ms. California. The rest of will enjoy living in 2009.
50
Using "Retard" as a synonym for stupid is a good idea. It would be different if the mentallly challenged embraced the term retard as positive, but they don't. Every time some refers to a stupid person as retarded the wrod is that much closer to changing it's association.

If you use gay as a negative term it's offensive because gay is a positive term embraced by a community. As long as you don't want to be referred to as retarded, let it mean something else.

Rememember, "Idiot" and "Moron" used to mean retarded, but we changed their association.
51
I doubt On the Outs was rooting around in the web browser's history files. Instead, she doesn't want the porn site addresses popping up when she starts typing in the addresses of websites she wants to visit. Most browsers attempt to guess which site you'll want to go to, and they start filling in the addresses of previously visited sites.

Changing the browser settings to clear out the history files when it's closed would be one way to deal with this. If they use Firefox, they could set up separate profiles with their own sets of preferences, too.

They should also make sure their computer is protected from viruses and malware. Porn sites are notorious sources of computer bugs.
52
personally i love riding the red river: I like to cover myself in it after I go down and we're having sex; she gets off licking it back up from my face and chest.

You all are such prudes.

Blood is awesome. I honestly don't get the gross out factor given all the other fluids people share. I might not jump in the first time with a stranger due to disease concerns, but my lady and I are both clean and free to bleed all over one another.
53
didn't we JUST have this discussion about the word retarded on slog? i swear i was defending it's use in the same manner as Lathlas.
i personally don't see the big deal. i have mentally disabled family members, and i can't help but recall the times people get yelled at for calling the actually mentally disabled "retarded"
so if we can't use retarded to mean people that are handicapped, how are we to consider it offensive to them when it's used in a different manner? it's like trying to stop the word's use entirely. keep using retard, dan. people's rules about words are their own business. it's unfair to try and force their vocabulary beliefs down our throats.
as for TROS, how can she write into your column, basically demand that you cease to use a word, and then comment how she'd rather not go elsewhere? listen, sister, if you don't like the way the man writes, DON'T READ THE MAN. geez.
54
OTO doesn't need to do anything difficult like get different laptops or set up multiple user accounts, just download two different browsers. One person uses Firefox the other uses Opera, or Chrome, or (if you must) IE. There are a lot of really good choices out there that only take a few minutes to download and have all kinds of neat features.
55
LMHI will be in love with his wonderful gf again once she dumps him and starts dating someone else. But she has to dump him, he can't dump her. He's clearly a guy who needs head games to feel love. What a catch.
56
In addition to Chrome's Incognito Mode, Apple's Safari web browser also has a Private Browsing mode, but this has to be turned manually as well.

Probably better to set the preferences to clear history upon closing.
57
YES!!! 54th!!! I rule.
58
Actually, Dan's point about "leo-tarded" is a good one about language. He did PRECISELY what you asked...yet it wasn't enough. You want to police his language in a way that is never sufficient. You actually want Dan not only to stop SPEAKING in a way you find insulting but to stop THINKING in a way you find insulting. If Dan said, "Ok, I'll stop saying retarded, instead I'll say Rolos, i.e., stop being such a Rolo" you'd clearly interpret Rolos = retarded. So give it up. Oh yeah, and "Dan" the respondent...you're claiming "Dan The Columnist" is a bigot? Do you know who you are talking about? What world do you live in? Rolos, I swear.
59
Dan, I was born in August so I take offense to your use of leotard.
60
The Period Cup looks and fits like a diaphram, for those who are still confused. Personally, I recommend the Mirena(sp?) IUD. My Finacee has one and she hasn't had a real period since she got it put in a year and a half ago. There's a trickle of spotting every now and then, but it's negligible. The best part about the IUD is that it's as effective as getting your tubes tied and it's maintenance-free for 5 years.
61
Were you drunk when you wrote this column?
62
My roommate works with mentally retarded adults. She says a few of her clients love the free city weekly that syndicates, you guessed it, Savage Love. So never mind about readers who have loved ones who are retarded, there are plenty of retarded readers out there, as well.
63
Give the guy a break. Some people really can't stand the site of blood, let alone on their crank.

There are many ways to get each other off that don't involve penetration. Seems like those 10 days could be 'inventive' instead of just one-way blow jobs.

Of course you can also fuck in the shower or tub at the beginning/end to minimize any fear of having to 'deal' with it.

64
Way to take a stand against Twitter, Dan. I also think it's leotarded.

A cheaper option for OTO would be to set up separate accounts on the same computer. I occasionally like to search porn, gossip sights and other things that might be embarrassing if anyone were to see, so I have a guest account set up for privacy. I had an embarrassing moment when a friend and I were searching for movie listings and the wrong thing came up, so I consider it essential to have a "clean" account that is never used for porn, TMZ or any of the blogging I do. Not that there is anything wrong with a little porn, etc, I would just rather not have that conversation with out of town relatives, mom, dad or my orthodox virgin friend.

Also, OTO isn't necessarily being nosy. If her boyfriend googled "shoe fetish" and then she later googled "shoes", she would probably be confronted with his web search habits for shoe fetish porn, because the cookies would bring it up. Or it could show up if she accidentally clicks on the wrong thing from her browser history.
65
I dont twitter either. Who the heck wants to be followed or follow other people? Do these people have no regard for their own privacy and personal time? Yuck!
66
@ George - yikes! A 10 day period? If mine lasted 10 days (instead of 5-7) I'd be squirrely and wanting sex too.

But, I agree with you, there's much more fun to be had than penetration alone. I don't particularly enjoy sex while I'm having my period so that week becomes more of a fun experimental week.

I use the Diva Cup (similar to instead but sits lower so you can't use it during penetration) which is made of silicone and allows natural wetness to still be present so manual stimulation and great orgasms are still possible.

And while I highly enjoy giving blowjobs, most of the time my male partner and I would start off with oral but finish with penetration. Period week means I get to give blowjobs to completion. Yum.
67
According to cartoonist Natalie Dee, "...the word retarded is played out, and there is nothing more retarded than a Kia Rondo, so [rondo] seems to lend itself quite nicely."

Plus it's verbally satisfying to say "That's totally RONDO!" or "You're so rondo." It might even be better than retard, and will only offend car dealers and soccermoms who drive a kia minivan.

68
I doubt that the actually mentally challenged care all that much. Or should we eliminate "baby" as a word with negative connotation - as in "stop being such a baby" - because babies and their loved ones would be offended?
69
RE: Let Me Have It

I couldn't resist responding to you, Let Me Have It. You remind me of too many of the lame guys I dated in my twenties. They too were commitment-phobic, self-centered dorks, and I hope their miserable, beer-belly ridden, 40-year-old single asses are all somewhere perched on bars stools chain smoking Camel Lights and reminiscing about their lost loves and glory days.

That said, I went on to become a successful professional, marry a sexy, successful (and happily monogamous) guy, and have two beautiful kids. And if you aren't careful, LMHI, 15 years from now, your awesome girlfriend is going to be writing the same thing about the wonderful husband who appreciates her, and the loser boyfriend who dumped her in her late twenties so he could chase pussy. And you are going to be sitting on a bar stool somewhere with your pack of stogies wishing you could travel back in time and make things right.

So get with it, LMHI. You have nothing to complain about. The truth is that long-term monogamy is a sacrifice of sorts, but when it's a requirement of great relationship (and it sounds like it is in your case), it's a small price to pay for all that you receive in return. Honestly, there will come a day when hot chicks aren't going to look at you anymore, and that day isn't as far in the future as you might imagine. And when that day arrives, you will be much happier with your awesome girlfriend/wife at your side. So apologize to your girlfriend, take a weekend getaway, do something romantic for her, and don't lose the best thing that ever happened to you.
70
Please go back to using the word retard Dan. Leotarded is retarded. You are funny when your offensive. I think a lot of your readers like that. I do. Offensive can be funny when done right. And as a straight man, Dan, I have to say, you do it oh so right. But if you are going to lose retarded, please don't use Leotarded. Maybe you should put it to your fans for an alternative?
71
In addition to the Instead cup, sea sponges are another option.
http://www.gladrags.com/jade-pearl-menst…
AFTER's boyfriend won't even feel it.
72
LMHI - take a look at this book: Mating in Captivity - Esther Perel.
73
Dan - right on to Let Me Have It. He's being kind of a douche looking for a reason to break-up with his girlfriend. That said, my guess is she'd be able to find another GGG kinky boy who'd take the arrangement described. I'm not sure if he'd have such good luck.

Let Me Have It - realize you are SUPER lucky. A kinky girlfriend who is awesome in most ways? That's great. Own your desire to sleep around and figure out a way to do it so you can both have fun with it.

I understand the desire for novelty, but she is letting you sleep around. Have some sex on the side on her terms and be responsible, and my guess is she will open up more as she sees you aren't going to run off. But DO NOT use this opening as a chance to audition other girls.

And finally, give her your permission to sleep around and don't be a jealous twit if and when she does!
74
From what I understand, "retarded" isn't politically correct anyway, so he isn't really "misusing" it. A the word literally means to hinder, impede or hold back. So you people automatically associating that word with the mentally disabled are the only ones giving it power. Its hateful because you say it is. Its just a word, let it go.
75
I kind of agree with Lathlas. As he said, it's not exactly a term embraced by the mentally challenged (is that really the correct term now?). But also, unlike using "gay" to mean "dumb," which doesn't have any etymological similaries, at least retarded does relate to dumb.

BTW, you can twitter while drunk. But it usually really isn't a good idea. Trust me.
76
Reply to: "I doubt that the actually mentally challenged care all that much. Or should we eliminate "baby" as a word with negative connotation - as in "stop being such a baby" - because babies and their loved ones would be offended?"

O.K., at risk of being accused of political correctness, use of the word "retarded" is very offensive to high functioning folks with cognitive disabilities. They DO care. Sure, a guy in a persistent vegetative state doesn't give a rat's ass what you call him, but the vast majority of folks with cognitive disabilities are high functioning. And that means that they understand most things. While they may lack the ability to grapple abstract concepts like mathematics, etc, they sure as hell know that's it's not nice to be called a "retard." But being called a "retard" hurts them just as much as being called a "nigger" by a white guy hurts a black person, or being called a "faggot" by a redneck hurts a gay person.

And how do I know this? Well, I used to work with people with cognitive disabilities, and you wouldn't believe how sensitive they are to name calling. I mean, they are just about the last minority group that you can still make fun of in public without being called a bigot. They are, therefore, very accustomed to stares and cruel words. One guy I worked with would actually cry when someone called him a retard. He couldn't read or write, but he lived on his own, cooked his own meals, and was a very pleasant, polite person. He did nothing to deserve the treatment he received from many members of the general public.

Part of the problem is that people with cognitive disabilities are treated like babies, even when they are adults. That treatment is discriminatory. It says that since babies don't mind if you call them babies, mentally disabled people won't mind if you call them retards because they aren't any more cognizant of reality than babies are. Well, that's just not true.

And Dan, as much as I love you, I don't think you should use the word "retard" either. You don't belong to the named group (at least I don't think so!) so you don't have to the standing to own the word the way you did with "faggot."
77
I agree with Christopher. "Leotarded" is an obvious and poor substitute for "retarded." It's distracting and annoying. Come on, Dan. Your refusal to back down from using junior-high putdowns--first "gay," then "retarded," now "leotarded"--is becoming a ridiculous one-man crusade. Why not save your efforts for something important, like educating us about sexbots or marshalling us against sexphobic teeveenewz reporters?
78
LEOTARDS!!!!!!!!!! PERFECT DAN!!!!!
79
Leotarded?! That's Gay.
80
Granted, there are plenty of other words that better describe someone who is being silly or immature in their relationship behavior. However, no matter what alternative weekly you read there's often someone writing in to complain about the insensitivity of using a certain word. "My niece is insane so I would appreciate it if you wouldn't use words like 'crazy' to describe someone who isn't clinically so." It gets to be a bit much, especially when a group of people with a condition get a euphemism handed to them annually by those concerned. "Retarded" has been out of vogue for decades now. "Handicapped" was the it-word for a while, and recently up was "differently abled," interchangeable with "developmentally delayed," which is oddly enough the very definition of "retarded."
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OTO: separate logins. Create your own user account and quit obsessing.
Everyone else on Twitter: http://bldgblog.blogspot.com/2009/04/how…
Get over yourself.
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I think it is time to stop defending the indefensible. For fuck's sake, just stop using the "r" word.
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Christopher - I disagree, I thought Dan's response to TROS was pretty sincere, and his use of "leotard" throughout the column was not excessive. Realistcally, I think that's as close as Dan Savage can get to sincere.

Dan, you made a very good effort there. Now, KEEP IT UP! And BE FIRM!
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Yeah, I agree with Jeremy. First n-----s was in vogue, then coloreds was the it-word for a while, then blacks, then African-Americans. Black, oddly enough, is the very definition of negro. So everyone should have the right to select the most disfavored of the alternatives to describe people of African descent.

Right Jeremy?
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I love the word RETARDED! How could you not? I don't understand why being called retarded, which refers to being slow, is any more offensive than being challenged- talk about kid glove condescension.

For example: I wish my boyfriend's cock was retarded sometimes so I could get off without extra manustimulation.

I wish my boyfriend was not retarded so we could ever get anywhere on time.

I wish this debate was not retarded so all the retards who are giving too much of a shit would shut the fuck up.

I wish someone would call me a retard and smear shit on my tits.

I wish the retards of the Comment section would shut up. Oh wait, I said that already. Boy, was I retarded for that!

Retards, the whole lot of em. I'll stand by you Dan.
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I love Twitter. It's myspace and facebook that I can't stand.
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Also, I personally have made inroads to reclaim "Bitch" for women. I know the older femlibs disagree, but if you own it, the power is diminished. Maybe retards should make it a self-applied term.
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Viva Los Retardos!!!!
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Stop being so fucking retarded Chris.
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My sister is disabled but I don't take the "retarded" comments seriously--unless someone were to say it to her to deliberately try and hurt her. I recommend we all lighten up a bit. I have met many funny, warm, and wonderful mentally-retarded people because I am related to someone with physical and mental disabilities. Changing it to leotard makes me think of dear old Phil Leotardo from The Sopranos. Now will all the Leotardos take offense...will it ever end?
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I believe that retards make the world go round. Self-esteem boosters for everyone else. How's a boozehound like me supposed to feel good about anything without having the retarded around to make me smile?
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Mongo is the biggest fucking retard ever!
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You know what's retarded? All this ado about retarded retards. They don't really have feelings, anyway. They are called retarded for a reason- they're retarded. You must be retarded to think that they're not retards. Really people need to stop this retard madness and get upset about something less retarded.
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Google's Chrome browser (not yet available for Macs) has an incognito mode. Works brilliantly.
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OK, this being uber-geeky Seattle, I have to comment that On The Outs and anyone else that shares a computer with their significant other should just make separate user accounts on the damn thing. Otherwise, it's likely you'll get on and find yourself already logged onto your parnter's Twitter, YouTube, Facebook, Gmail, and other personal accounts, which seems to me seems like dancing with danger.
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wait a minute, dan is gay?
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See? See where your reaction to "retard" has gotten us? If you had just let Dan say retard or leotard or whatever we would not have LBBRS up there making ironic quips about the non-feeling, inhuman nature of actual disabled people. Whenever you try to police language, it gets worse. And let's not get into to this "it's the same as the N-word" bullshit. Each use of a disparaging word is specific--you can't really latch one derogatory onto another. The "N-word" represents anti-black culture. Does anyone here seriously think Dan's (or anyone else here) use of retarded refers to a culture of anti-mentally disabled people? No, and if you do, you know what you are.
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Why is it so horribly terribly unacceptable for kids today to say "That's so gay" meaning lame, bad, pathetic, stupid? I mean, if retard and retarded are perfectly acceptable and if only an oversensitive asshole would ask you to please no expose thousands of readers and listeners to your use of them?
There's no difference between gay=stupid and retarded=stupid. Except that in one case it's an entitled jerk who thinks he's superior based only on one happenchance of birth (his heterosexuality) and in the other case it's the exact same thing based on his (perceived) mental accuity. You're glad you're not retarded so you can throw the word around as an insult, but somehow it's completely different for those who are glad they're not gay to do the same with the word gay. Hmmm. Pretty hypocritical.
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TROS did NOT make a reasonable request. As someone with mentally challenged people whom I love, it is absolutely ridiculous to say you can't call someone retarded.

Humans need to have the ability to insult each other. "idiot", "Moron", those words have the exact same root meaning as retarded, they were originally terms for specific levels of retardation. Should we ban those too? Get over it, its not Dan Savage's responsibility to coddle your sensitivity. Guess what, it's not a hate crime to call something "gay" if you want. And calling a guy a "fag" is not a hate crime if you're just making fun of your straight friend, or, conversely, if you yourself are gay and making fun of your gay friend.

Stop censoring language, no one is yelling "Retard!" at an actual retarded person, so don't get all indignant when someone calls Antonin Scalia retarded.

Sorry, leotarded
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For OTO, if the notebook she is sharing with her BF is running any recent version of Windows, they can create 2 separate accounts. She logs in with hers and he logs in with his. Separate browsing histories. Problem solved.

I assume Apple would have a similar feature.
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I love "leotarded" and will adopt its use myself. It's funny - as are most people wearing leotards - and does not completely cave to the whiners who have nothing better to do than rally against words not intended in that context anyway. So gay? So what. Last thing I knew, Dan didn't rant about that use of the term either. Actually, I think I recall something on his podcast rather the opposite of that.

And, "retarded" is not the same as the N-word. It was a clinical term - mentally retarded - that was changed to "mentally disabled," which some now wish to change to "mentally challenged" and so on. Where will it end? "Retarded" simply meant that their mental development was halted at an earlier stage - that's what retarded means. That's why "retarded growth" means "stunted growth" in plants and so on. It's just a description, and rather than blowing rainbows out their butts while demanding that people use happier and happier sounding words for every freaking thing on the planet, why don't people focus on actually being constructive if they really care about the wellbeing of that particular population of people.