Savage Love



Don't hold back, Dan... tell us how you really feel about Perez and company...
I am totally with Dan on this one. And quite frankly, if I had to think of the group of people least likely to express on opinion on a controversial issue, it would be a politician. Sorry, Miss CA, but when you take an increasingly unpopular position on an issue involving the civil rights of a minority group, many people won't like it. When your justification includes things like personal religious beliefs (Why should I have to kowtow to your religious beliefs? Trust me, we don't share them) and you go around spouting this "I'm not a politician" stuff, you open yourself up to being called a "dumb bitch." No one is asking you to marry a woman, and no one is asking your church to perform the ceremony. What business is it of yours whom I marry? You're not invited anyway, I promise.
Awesome stuff!
What's more politically expedient than the avoidance of a direct answer to a personal question?
Dan, I do not think you had to wait until the Greta interview to realize that she is "intellectually inadequate"...all you have to do is see how incongruent her line is about how great it is "that Americans are able to choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage"...only bisexual Iowans and the bisexuals in some of those squishy states in the NE can choose between same-sex and mixed-sex marriages...not all Americans are bisexuals living in Iowa and the other states that care about civil rights...not to mention the abhorrent DOMA is still in effect, right now Americans cannot choose...
Message to BOYS-- You obviously are missing something. Either common sense, empathy or just a few classes in basic Civics. So, assuming it's the last, I'll spell this out for you. If you're missing in the first two, then there's not much I can do for you.

Denying a group of our citizenry certain privileges and rights that the majority of citizens enjoy is not a subject for "belief." It's a prejudiced act perpetrated by our government. A "belief" is whether that prejudiced act is a good thing or a bad thing. If you believe its a bad thing for the government to act prejudiciously towards some of its citizens, great, you're in the company of many beautiful and intelligent people, dead & alive, people who have made this world a better place to live. If you believe its a good thing for the government to do so, great, you're in the company of millions of people who did nothing remarkable, and whose greatest contribution to the world is to perpetrate more hatred, animosity, and misery.

So if you have the "belief" that gays shouldn't be granted the legal benefits of marriage, then the promulgator of hatred is staring at you from the mirror, not some columnist you've never met. And so don't be surprised if I happen to think you're a douchebag, like all the other bigots.
Funny thing is, I MISS being a crazy teenager who knew penetrative vaginal sex was off the table (Catholic boy friend) and all we had were crazy tense nights sneaky in and out of each others' bedrooms, doing all but It in the back of cars, hands in crazy places during movies.

And when we finally did It, when we were both in college and a little wiser, every sexual act had to end in The Act to seem meaningful. Many decades later, I have embraced by inner 17 year old and reveled in so many playful sexual experiences that brought amazing intimacy and climax.

Enjoy all of your options! Even the ones that might not knock you up. You may miss them some day.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for the honest commentary on Hilton and Prejean!
there is also a highly effective, non-hormonal birth-control method that PILL can use... the copper-T IUD. Unfortunately, the IUD still suffers from the bad press it got in the 70s, but it is much safer today because of design modification and pre-insertion STI testing. it is greater than 99% effective (equal to sterilization) and reversible.
FYI - the incidence of pregnancy among saddlebackers (who are using that as "birth control") is actually fairly high - it's not a 0-pregnancy-risk activity.

(Of course, a suggestion to try an ultra-thin [lubed] condom and try a silicone lube if you aren't using silicone toys is also a good idea, as is the idea that 0 pregnancy risk does not equal 0 STI risk so unless you've both been tested clean twice within a monogamous 6 months some barrier is useful: dental dam aka plastic wrap, etc)
What I'm tired of is disagreement with someone, even a hatred for an idea someone expresses, being attacked as personal intolerance. Every time some right winger says something and the statement is attacked forcefully as bigoted or whatever, we're not being tolerant, we're not allowing her freedom of speech, blah blah blah. I don't deny Miz Cali's right to say those things in a pageant, in fact I think it's kind of appalling that espousing political beliefs is so abnormal in our civic lives that it's sorta against the rules of the show (just think of what a hero she'd be if she came bravely out in support!).

I'm all for her freedom of speech, not just tolerant of her rights but avid that more people should use those rights, and I'm going to use my own to contradict her ideas, but not her right to have 'em. And yeah, sometimes someone is a dumb bitch, and sometimes she's not. Whatever, this discussion shouldn't devolve into a discussion of jerkishness or bad manners.

But from all sides, let's have interesting, intelligent argument. "Agreeing to disagree" or being tolerant of everyone's right to speak without it being acceptable for me to debate or respond fills our heads with grape jelly. I don't tolerate her sentiments, I don't agree to be nice about her bigoted beliefs, but she should keep talking her cutie, empty, topless little self into a tizzy if she'd like. And if she's the new NOM darling, great, just don't tell me that revulsion against a bigot isn't playing nice.
re: PILL - IUD? 20% of French women can't be wrong.
irukandji: fail.
That lady needs to get the fuck over herself and get on some kind of birth control and insist on her boyfriend using condoms if she doesn't want to get pregnant and stuck with that dipshit for the rest of her life because she got pregnant. From her letter, she doesn't strike me as the "get an abortion" type. Condoms are the answer - start using them. If regular condoms don't work, there's always the female condom (something I'm surprised Dan didn't mention).
'he has needs that I cannot meet. I do not begrudge him these needs, and I would fill them if I could.'

That is SO vague, it's killing me. I hope for Dan's sake that the unedited letter was juicier – I wouldn't know where to begin with such a lack of info. Did her vagina heal shut? Does he want to bang dudes? Screw animals? I need details!

Also, girl whose boyfriend doesn't like condoms? Too fucking bad. And if he 'gives in,' I still wouldn't fuck him – 10 dollars says it'll 'accidentally slip off 'mid-intercourse all the time. (I'm not sure a copper IUD is the answer, either. It increases the flow heaviness for the majority of users, often to the point of anemia and with extra cramps. Plus it can be expensive, especially for a teen who may be keeping her sex life a secret form her parents, Also, despite its safeness, many doctors are reluctant to insert it in women without children).

Here's a great way to keep 99% of straight teens from having intercourse. Tell them to hold off until the guy gives the girl a full-blown orgasm through oral sex or a handjob. No faking, no 'Uh, I think I felt something...'s. Yeah, there may be a few blessed girls (and guys) out there, but they'll be the exception.
Be careful there--anal sex can occasionally lead to pregnancy. Hetero teenagers need to know that they should use a condom for anal sex because there have been cases of pregnancy.

I would be iffy about suggesting she perform oral sex on him without a condom unless he's been tested first. That's a way to spread STDs too. Though, as an afterthought, the whole "I don't like the pill" implies that it's not an issue...
Tittyfucking, Dan! I know it's not quite up your alley...
Would somebody please tell the 16 year old boy that sexual response is elastic and that, especially at age 16, his dick will learn how to cum just fine while using a condom if he man's up long enough to wear one a few times and get used to it instead of being selfish and putting the burden of birth control on the girl enough kind enough to have sex with him! DTMFA if he won't wear a condom! geesh...
She doesn't like what birth control is doing to her skin and emotions? What the hell kind of pills is she taking? I took birth control pills that improved my emotions, blocked the fatigue I always felt on the first or two days before my period, and helped my skin. It's called Yasmine. I strongly recommend it. Even so, I still also recommend Dan's advice on top of it since even birth control isn't 100%, although it helps.

And yeah. The whole Miss California thing... I don't think there are words to describe how I feel about her actions. I'm still disgusted that the government in California even thought it was appropriate to have a vote on a human rights issue.
I agree with Shady Waffle, I just don't have to say it 3 times. There are plenty of low-dose pills out there that make life easier. Go to Planned Parenthood, Ortho Tri-Cyclen-LO is their standard recommendation.
Who are these "reasonable" people Dan knows who oppose gay marriage? I've never met any such beast, largely because there IS no reasonable excuse for doing so. It's quite simple, if you oppose interracial marriage you are by definition a racist, if you oppose gay marriage you are by definition a homophobe.
I don't think anyone should ever use an iud. The chances you might get pregnant are low. However if you do the chances of carrying that child to term with out defects are even lower. And no this isn't 70s jugdement of a birth control method. This is a jugdement based on the fact that 5 years ago I got pregnant while on this safe birth control. It ending up that the iud broke my water at 21 weeks, gave me and infection that almost killed me. So not only did that thing destroy one life but damn near left my other 2 children without a mother. If your boyfriend doesn't like condoms fine tell him you will suck him, or he can do you up the ass. But if he wants to have vaginal sex with you to get over the hangup and put on a condom. Because really is it going to kill him to wear one.
There's generally a pill that will work for everyone, but it can take a very long time to find it. It took me a half-dozen tries to find a pill that wouldn't destroy my emotional equilibrium, my period, my sex drive, or some combination of those. If you're not in a position where you can go to the gyno over and over again to get your pills adjusted, it can be very difficult for some women to find the right pills. I agree with Dan and the earlier commenter, playing around with other forms of sexual activity can be very satisfying, and will just make sex better when you do get around to it.

I was so elated to read about what Dan thought of Miss California because I feel the same way. I'm not sick of her because of her opinion and beliefs. I'm sick because she's pretending she's on a moral crusade when, in actuality, she's just pushing her career.

Bravo again on the abstinence only and Bristol Palin critique.
IUDs don't protect against STDs, so I wouldn't recommend them to teenagers.

If he tries wearing a condom a few times, especially an ultra-thin one, he'll get used to it and he'll be fine. If he won't do that, he doesn't get to have intercourse. You can still enjoy all the other activities mentioned, and if he really wnats intercourse after that he'll just have to deal with condoms.
please, the comments and think aboout STIs. if your boyfirned does not use a ocndom with you, he won't either if he sleeps around.. so I would be careful. use condoms, and use the pill, the vaginal ring, whatever hormonal'll eventually find one that is oK for you
PILL-I had the same problem you did with hormonal birth control. I spent hours a day crying or screaming at my loved ones. An IUD can be a good way for you to go, but they can be expensive and have other side effects like cramping, heavy periods, between period spotting etc but I don't find these much of a problem. The new IUDs are not the same ones that caused problems back in the 70's and they are better than many think. Check it out with Planned Parenthood or your regular OB/GYN.
I'm intrigued by the comments that state that you can get pregnant from anal sex. (jcooper, powertrash,..) How exactly is that possible? Can gay men get pregnant too?
I'm sorry, but not everyone manages to stumble upon the "right" pill.

Bottom line is, whichever formulation you choose, whether low dose or otherwise, the pill acts by shutting down your normal ovarian function, blocking testosterone production thought to be responsible for one's sex drive, and binding sex hormones in the body.

Over almost a decade I was prescribed every type of pill available and only continued to suffer from depression, acne, weight gain and low libido the whole time. Lucky you ones who can tolerate it, but don't assume that everyone can.
Its so simple. All people have to do is not think about there "beliefs" when the non-issue of gay marriage comes up.

If this were back in the 60's, would she have given the same answer if she were asked about a black and white person getting married? Would it still be in her "beliefs" that they should not be married?

This is all about civil rights for gay people and has nothing to do with religion. I thought people were so big on "seperation of church and state", cant even say the word God in school.
Anal sex can get you pregnant? orly? Well now that just might explain how Michael Moore came to this world.

As to PILL, yeah have a look at IUDs obviously.
Abstinence fails, and Christians fail to realize that their beloved, revered Mary would be the first one to tell them so. Logic? Not where abstinence-only Bible-thumpers are concerned. Homosexual acts are the one 100% safe sex method that will not get you pregnant. I also enjoy pointing out to the Bible-thumpers that homosexuality prevents abortions...
Sorry Dan, I have to disagree *gasp*.

PILL: You tell him to suck it the fuck up and put the damn rubber on, NOW. I have spoken to many many men (and have had sex with a few of 'em) about how condoms really feel. The unanimous agreement: It really doesn't make a difference. So, PILL, your boyfriend is simply falling prey to our societies view of sexuality and its prejudices against contraceptives. Also, he is using society's view to manipulate you. This is WRONG. if you want to let him stick his dick in you, he needs to wear a condom. And while all the other types of sexual activity Dan suggested are great fun (really!), you two probably won't be together forever (sorry) and he needs to learn ASAP that condoms are a great thing.
@31: You can get pregnant as a result of semen leaking out of the anus into the region of the vagina. It is VERY unlikely, but technically possible. And no, gay men cannot get pregnant because contrary to popular belief they are men. Men without female reproductive organs. As in, no uterus, no eggs. You need more than sperm for a baby.
@31: You can get pregnant as a result of semen leaking out of the anus into the region of the vagina. It is VERY unlikely, but technically possible. And no, gay men cannot get pregnant because contrary to popular belief they are men. Men without female reproductive organs. As in, no uterus, no eggs. You need more than sperm for a baby.
@31: You can get pregnant as a result of semen leaking out of the anus into the region of the vagina. It is VERY unlikely, but technically possible. And no, gay men cannot get pregnant because contrary to popular belief they are men. Men without female reproductive organs. As in, no uterus, no eggs. You need more than sperm for a baby.
"I'm intrigued by the comments that state that you can get pregnant from anal sex. (jcooper, powertrash,..) How exactly is that possible? Can gay men get pregnant too? "

It's not the anal sex itself that causes pregnancy, but if you shoot a big load in a lady's ass, it's got to come back out sooner or later (perhaps as our old friend santorum). And the opening of the vagina is awefully close to the anus... Unless great care is taken, it's always possible that some will inadvertantly make the journey to the wrong hole (or the right hole, depending on how you look at it).
Yes, anal sex can get you pregnant if you are not careful where semen goes during or after. The anus does not seal itself after sex, and leaking sperm are determined little buggers, and can make their way into other orifices. It is also possible to slip out right before ejaculation and end up with semen everywhere. These scenarios are probably rare, but certainly not out of the realm of possibility. Anal sex with a condom would eliminate pretty much all of that risk, but if her boyfriend would use a condom, we wouldn't be having this discussion anyway.
@25 - what doctor let you keep an IUD in after you got pregnant? I was also one of the 2% failure rate for this method, and got it yanked right after I found out I was pregnant. Now I have a happy, healthy 19 year old daughter as a result. IUDs do tend to cause heavier, more crampy periods, but you aren't putting artificial hormones into your body, and the water supply (by pissing the hormones out). My 19 year old daughter knows that if you use two methods of birth control (the pill AND condoms, for example), then the risk of becoming pregnant is as close to zero as you can get.
As a poly and kink friendly therapist, I wholeheartedly agree with Dan and Tristan's comments. While there are a lot of ignorant therapists out there, there are plenty of us who have experience helping couples enrich their lives and their relationships through safe, consensual non-monogamy.… is a good, albeit incomplete resource. I personally know at least ten more therapists in my home state who aren't on this list. Still, it's a starting point!

And seriously, don't be afraid to shop around. The quality of the match between you and your therapist is one of the most important factors in a successful therapy. If you don't feel like a given therapist is a match for you after a few sessions, don't feel bad about trying someone else!
@20: Calm down. Birth control doesn't work for everyone; just because you found the right pill for you doesn't mean every other woman in the world shares your hormonal and chemical make-up. Some women's bodies just can't handle pills. Hell, it doesn't even sound like PILL is suffering the very worst side effects. I switched to a low dose half a year ago, and I was still crazy.

Uh, why do so many people think fucking ass without a condom is a good, safe idea? PILL, if you do decide to do anal instead, make sure your boyfriend doesn't also dislike lube and taking it easy.

I agree with #36. He just needs to suck it up.
Gynos will most likely not give a teen an IUD. Since they don't protect against STDs, and can actually increase your chances of getting an STD if you have more than one partner, docs prefer to give them to women who are in long-term, monogamous relationships.

PILL, you have other options. There are many pill formulations you could try:…

If you're on a triphasic pill (one that varies the hormone levels), switching over to a monophasic one (steady dose of hormones) could make a big difference in regulating your mood swings. I liked Yasmin a lot better than Ortho Tri-Cyclen.

You could also try NuvaRing, a ring you insert vaginally once per cycle. It exposes you to a lower level of hormones.

If you really prefer condoms, though, and your guy can't handle using them, perhaps it'd be better to switch boyfriends, rather than your birth control method. If he consistently puts himself first like this, he's not mature enough for sex anyway, and you deserve better.

All the best to you.
Gynos will most likely not give a teen an IUD. Since they don't protect against STDs, and can actually increase your chances of getting an STD if you have more than one partner, docs prefer to give them to women who are in long-term, monogamous relationships.

PILL, you have other options. There are many pill formulations you could try:…

If you're on a triphasic pill (one that varies the hormone levels), switching over to a monophasic one (steady dose of hormones) could make a big difference in regulating your mood swings. I liked Yasmin a lot better than Ortho Tri-Cyclen.

You could also try NuvaRing, a ring you insert vaginally once per cycle. It exposes you to a lower level of hormones.

If you really prefer condoms, though, and your guy can't handle using them, perhaps it'd be better to switch boyfriends, rather than your birth control method. If he consistently puts himself first like this, he's not mature enough for sex anyway, and you deserve better.

All the best to you.
The server's acting up. Hence the repeat posts.
Especially as a young gay guy who's seen WAY too many of his peers get HIV because of the recent vogue for barebacking (not to mention the stupidity of gay orgs that try to make HIV sound like "no big deal" so that people don't get depressed), you have GOT to just lay it out for PILL -- CONDOMS OR NOTHING. I mean, pregnancy is probably one of the LEAST awful outcomes of unprotected sex... I mean, maybe it's a risk you want to take when you've grown up, and you feel you really trust someone, and can hunt them down and kill them if they infect you with something... but fer chrissakes, if you're 17 and fucking without a condom, gay or straight, you're a fucking moron.
About the "dumb bitch" thing. I agree that Perez should have not said it, but mostly just because it is important for the good guys to keep things civil in this debate and he didn't help proponents of gay marriage with that response. The thing that bothers me is that people persist in saying that this is all about the opinion she expressed and not the quality of her delivery. When you listen to what she said, and ignore the fact that she is talking about a controversial subject, you realize that she truly is dumb. Her response made no more sense than the response that Miss SC was made fun of for not so long ago.

Just as one example in the sea of stupidity that was her response (and this was repeated above by someone): no one has the right to "choose between same sex and opposite sex marriage" in this country. No one is out there seeking to choose between the two. There are states where gays can marry and there are states where they are prohibited from doing so. There is no choice involved for gays in the prohibiting states, because if they cannot "same sex marry" they are certainly not going to "opposite sex marry".
I firmly support gay marriage and think that Miss CA is a dumb bitch, but Perez really should not have asked this question in a tits and ass contest. This is the type of question to ask a presidential or congressional candidate, not a national bimbo contestant. Everybody knows you should not let the contestants be aware that they are answering gotcha questions. He should have stuck to "traditional pageant questions" like how she can use her fake tits and tiara to alleviate poverty and hunger, or better yet global warming. I would have loved to have seen her spew her religious views on "traditional climatology."
Well put, DaveNYC!
I seem to remember a while ago Dan said something along the lines of "guys who consider non-penetrative sex to be "real sex" have a lot more sex!" (I paraphrase wildly) - and not just because they consider all that other enjoyable stuff to be sex...
Guys who get their dicks used to condoms early will also get to put them more places, more often.
Sorry Dan & other who like the idea or suppor or participate in "open relationship" but I do not hink you can be "intimate & fully committed to more than one parner, or be committed to one partner & have sex with others" -- that is total bullshit whether you are gay or straigt. Want to fuck around with lots of people - stay single. The rest of the crap is just someone's self-lie to make them not feel like a piece of shit for cheating or hurting someone they are "fully committed" to. How can a person person be "fully committed" & be having sex with others?????
First of all, no there isnt a pill out there for everyone. I wish people would stop saything that. I wish Doctors would stop saying that. The pill, even Yaz, makes me serverly depressed and its listed as a side effect! Dammit! Im not insane!

PILL, sweetie, tell him to suck it the fuck up. Wear a rubber. or only handjobs for him. Last thing you need is the clap, HIV, or god knows what. Its someting like 1 in 3 people under 25 have had an std?

You're using the word "prejudiced" incorrectly.
@ Shady Waffle and other pill proponents:
Just because you found a pill that worked for you and that you're happy with doesn't mean that everyone can! I struggled for years to find a pill that didn't make me psychotic and finally decided that fucking with my hormones is just not worth it, not to mention the problems that it can cause down the road with hormone imbalances and other problems.

And as for the supposedly "safe" non-hormonal copper IUD, well I tried that THIS year after the birth of my first child, and I was one of the small minority if people who got punctured by the IUD. My healthcare providers were really concerned because this is apparently so rare and they hadn't had it happen before, but I can say that it REALLY sucked! I am still healing up nearly a month later. Having a piece of metal puncture your uturus is no picnic.

And I am not a big fan of condoms either, but I think that when you're teenager hellbent on vaginal intercourse then they're really the way to go. Find a decent lube that works. And find out why the boyfriend doesn't like them and what he needs to make 'em okay.

BTW, Dan's right. Dumb bitch. I am happy with my "opposite marriage" and yet I am angry every day that my gay friends can't marry the people they love. Especially the gay parents of some of my friends: people who have been in committed homosexual relationships longer than I have been alive!
Every pill affects every woman differently. There's no way to tell whether a certain kind of HBC pill will give you negative side effects or not. The only way to figure out which pill brand works for you is to try a few different kinds.

@20-22, it's great that you had such a good experience, but you can't extrapolate your reaction to every other woman's reaction. PILL could take the exact same brand (spelled Yasmin, btw), and react with migraines and manic-depressive mood swings. There's no way for her to know without going back to the gyno and getting a different script to try - which, as another commenter pointed out, can be cost-prohibitive for a teenager. Many women can only afford the cheapest, generic pill brand carried by their school health center or by their nearest Planned Parenthood.
I agree...IUDs are a bad idea for teens. They're less likely to get tested for STIs, and just one can cause a major intrauterine infection that can lead to infertility if one is acquired while using an IUD. It happened to me. Thankfully I'm still fertile.

I don't like the Pill, so my fiance and I use lambskins. They're perfect for pregnancy prevention, but should only be used in monogamy since they're porous and don't protect against STIs. They're expensive, but a hell of a lot less expensive than a kid.
I agree--PILL needs to tell her BF to suck it up.

When I was coming out, my parents were all "be careful of HIV." I pointed out that they should be worried about my sister--because it struck me that straight teens are far more worried about pregnancy than they are about gay sex. And that's only 1/2 of the equation.

But then, I was reading over on Fleshbot that in straight porn, not a lot of condom use goes on. I was quite "WFT??" Most mainstream gay porn has condoms, and bareback porn sort of has a "ooh this is wrong" thrill to it. Is that maybe a straight thing--that the man shouldn't be forced to wear a condom? A power thing?

Because if it is, then it totally makes sense to me that PILL might consider it acceptable to be on the pill without making her BF wear a condom.
Ms California is not just a dumb bitch, she's a dumb LYING bitch, and now she's being backed by Donald Trump, who claims that her trashy teenage soft core porn shots were "very beautiful." They're both idiots.
Yes, Kiki. The female condom is a real alternative. Some of us guys really can't feel anything through a male condom. Female condoms feel great. The FC2 is due out this fall and should bring the price down.

Dan, You should recommend the FC every chance you get.

Oh, and I wish the FDA would go ahead and approve them for anal sex.

My long term monogamous boyfriend and I have been on a veritable birth control roller coaster in the two years that we've been dating: I was on the pill, I switched to another pill, and then another. My doctor took me OFF the pill for medical reasons and we had a dangerous summer without any birth control at all, then I got an IUD (intra uterine device) in November (which has been it's own special hell.)

Through all of this my BF has been supportive, but he "doesn't like" condoms either and so the problems of controlling birth have all landed squarely in my court. Suffice it to say the balance of power is drastically askew and I've accidentally absolved him of any reproductive responsibility by accommodating his distaste for condoms so readily.

My best advice to you is to remain assertive about your body, and your sex life. Remind him that it takes two, and that you'll gladly share responsibility equally, whether that means wearing condoms, rides to and from the doctors office, help paying for whatever contraception you two decide on, and support and understanding for whatever transitions you go through once those decisions go into effect.

Even if/when you two break up, being a good advocate your yourself will serve you well for years to come, so start now and build those skills early. Good luck!!
Yes, Kiki. The female condom is a real alternative. Some of us guys really can't feel anything through a male condom. Female condoms feel great. The FC2 is due out this fall and should bring the price down.

Dan, You should recommend the FC every chance you get.

Oh, and I wish the FDA would go ahead and approve them for anal sex.
I may be projecting, but I wonder if LD and her hubby are struggling with her husband being attracted to men. If that is the case I hope they find a therapist that can help (unlikely). My husband and I have been married over 20 years and around year 2 I figured out he more attracted to men than women. I confronted him and he admitted that was indeed the case. We talked, saw a therapist(not helpful at all), talked some more, cried, talked and then came to a place of peace, but it took a few years. We realized we still loved each other and wanted to be together. We have a good sex life together but both have sexual needs that the other cannot meet. He loves an occasional dick, I love fucking a man that truly enjoys how a pussy looks, tastes and smells. So we basically practice "Don't ask, don't tell, don't get caught" (and don't bring any nasty diseases home). Our solution may not work for everyone, but it works wonderfully for us. Good Luck, LD.
I'm sick of whiners who are "allergic" to contraception. Get over it and get on a method or you'll be pregnant. Or are you looking for an excuse to get knocked up?
To find a sensible therapist, try searching for "kink-friendly professionals," or variations thereof in your area. Even if open marriages don't strike most of us as particularly kinky, (as compared to, say Master/slave relationships, people with hardcore pain and body mod fetishes, etc.) someone who is kink-aware is likely also poly-aware and open-aware. I've been lucky with this in my area (granted, San Francisco, but still. Weirdos are everywhere, thank heavens.)
Why don't *you* wrap it up and quit whining, spokalou? Or how 'bout pump your OWN precious body full of chemicals for 30 years. Before you mouth off on people who actually have DONE it.
HPV is can still be contracted when using condoms and the pill - as I experienced when being a dumb teenager over 10 years ago. Getting a painful warts on your vagina or penis like on your finger is a huge kinda a put off to some of the teenagers I know now... more than a baby. WTF?
I agree with you advice to "Life Decisions." It is totally possible to have an open relationship. Couples have zero obligation to maintain monogamy. Your obligation to your relationship trumps any obligation to arbitrary the standards set by society.

Try to find a therapist who does not feel that their job is to uphold traditional values. There are many out there who will work with you and validate a couple's choice to try an open relationship or other no traditional approaches to life.

The best thing is to interview a counselor before you hire them and ask them how they view questions like this.

It is possible that "Life Decision's" therapist got burned by an ex partner or spouse and is not able to look objectivly at this situation.
Dan, you forgot about IUDs! If the pill makes you crazy and you are not fond of condoms, it is your best bet. IUDs are available at Seattle school-based teen health centers, all Planned Parenthood clinics, and just about any gynecologist's office and are:

-hormone free (or have a dose of hormone so low that you do not get systemic side effects.)
-easy to use and impossible to screw up- after insertion, you're good to go for 5+ years, no pill remembering or patch changing required, just check the strings monthly.
-safer and have fewer side effects than the pill- IUDs got a bad name in the 50s with the Dalcon Shield, but they are back and reengineered and are not your mom's IUD.
-for everyone- IUDs are NOT only for women who have had a baby, as their stupid and outdated PR may suggest. IUDs can be used by women who have never been pregnant.
-the most effective birth control on the planet.
-free for women who qualify for Take Charge (in Washington state)

But like the pill/patch/ring, they do not protect against STIs.

More info at:……

Thanks, Dan- hope next time you'll give IUDs a shout out.
PILL your boyfriend is 16. SIXTEEN. This is your moment to put your foot down and insist he use a condom with intercourse, and if you're smart you will stay on the pill too in case of "accidents".

If you allow him to be selfish on the condom issue you are doing yourself and every woman he will ever be with in the future a great disservice. Teach him now that selfish irresponsible jerks don't get laid. Thanks.

The big problem with gay marriage the way i see it is that marriage was originally a religious institution that later (in this country) became a governmental one. Churches should have the right to refuse to marry gays if they see fit. Churches and religions don't have to be all-inclusive and nor should they be. The solution that makes sense to me is get rid of "marriage" as a legal concept and apply the rights and benefits that married couples have to "unions". Then you can let marriage be solely a religious matter and let unions be solely a legal matter. Then all the queers can have the same rights under the law (that is the crux of the argument right?) and the straights can have a separate religious marriage. Of course it would be up to individual churches and religions to decide if they would want to allow gays to marry in their institutions or not.
There is a legitimate excuse for a 16 y/o boy to "not like condoms" to the point of not having to wear one: if he is allergic to latex. However, that only excuses him from wearing latex condoms.

The female condom is a non latex alternative. There are male condoms made without latex, but they have a lower effectiveness against STIs and/or break more easily, depending on the material.

PILL- at your ages, you should absolutely require that he take on some of the burden of contraception and infection prevention. Yes, a condom can reduce sensation for a guy, but a thin condom, especially at 16yrs old, and some practice can make condoms a very workable option for him. If he won't cover it, don't let him stick it in you. Go find a sex partner that respects you!
PILL, darling, stand up for yourself. There will come a time in your life (probably around age 28) when you'll be gettin' all hot and steamy with a guy and you won't even have to ask, he'll just put it on without any prompting. It will occur to you at this moment that all those dudes before, who you had to remind and cajole and blackmail and regularly check up on mid-act, were stupid babies. If a man in his late 30's, who's had lots of sex in his life (even without a condom, courtesy of a marriage along the way), can "feel something" through a condom, a 16-year-old getting it on for the first time either can or will learn to. If he has issues with latex, there are alternatives out there (and not just lambskin, which has been analyzed above); if he has issues nonoxinol-9 (sp?), there are alternatives out there; if he has issues with the thickness, there are alternatives out there...whatever his issue, there is a way around it. Condoms are the absolute bestest idea for anyone who's not in a monogamous, committed LTR, and even for those who are who are veryscared (or should be) of the baby (which is or should be the case for EVERY teenager, and most 20-somethings), or has any, remote, possible, minute, tiny inkling that there might be something they don't know (which is possible even with a wonderful, committed LTR, as sometimes, the STD screenings show a false negative). Take the advice of someone in a wonderful, committed LTR, who could afford a baby (and is still scared as hell of it), and who has absolutely no shred of evidence - after much research to find out if there is any - that anything is wrong, and still wraps the damn thing up, just in case...

I have a close gal-friend who is the proud mother of a 18 year old girl. She's a tough chick who grew up on the streets of New Orleans and is about as REAL as it gets. She has a great relationship with her daughter and HER advice to her daughter concerning condoms is this: "If a boy tells you he won't wear a condom and tries to pressure you to have sex without one, DON'T GIVE IN!!! HE'S LYING! Call his bluff, tell him its the condom or nothing, and watch him FOLD! Remember that you always have him in the palm of your hand because you have what he wants." This teenager is a smart girl and has yet to become preggers.
It's not hypocritical to be intolerant of intolerance.
@16 @72: have you looked at the 1-year pregnancy rate for female condom users? pull-out works about as well.
PILL - You need to find out more about his religious beliefs. For many Catholics, NO form of pre-marital sex is okay including masturbation. If his Catholicism is the reason for his refusal to wear a condom, but he's willing to have sex, I suspect he's picking and choosing which religious doctrine to abide by. Perhaps a conversation with his priest is in order.

As to the IUD question, I got a copper 7 IUD when I was 17 in 1983. I had the horrific cramps and bleeding some have described above. I had to wear a diaper to bed or else it would look like someone was murdered there. I ended up with a staph infection it took over 3 years to kick, severe damage to my tubes (I ended up having both of them removed), and infertile. Oh! And herpes because I didn't think I "needed" to use a condom.

Please don't put your future ability to have children at risk. No responsible OB/GYN would allow that method of birth control to anyone who might want to have children in the future.
I'm just wondering how it's possible for a woman to get pregnant from anal intercourse. As far as all my anatomy text books are concerned, the rectum and the vagina are not connected. Could someone please explain this to me?
I 'm a little confused as to how a woman could get pregnant from anal intercourse. According to all my anatomy text books, the vagina and rectum are not connected. Could someone please explain this to me?
@79 - the theory is cum leaks out of the anus and onto the vulva and the Olympic swimmers in the crew make it up to the Fallopian tubes where they fertilize an egg. Not likely, but possible.
Once again, you have hit the proverbial nail on the head, (so many sexual puns) Thank you Mr. Dan for voicing the truth simply and clearly. I miss Seattle.
The Sperm runs out of the ass and into the Vagina and could well make her preggo.
@ PILL - I agree with #61. Sex is a two person act and if your boyfriend isn't willing to help prevent the consequences of that act, he should just stick to the one person act for a while.

I'm a medical professional and I'm disheartened that I'm the first one to mention another non-hormonal, non-permanent method: the diaphragm! There are several different kinds available, and the best online resource is

Also, a few other things:

1) YES, you CAN get pregnant from unprotected anal sex. Not because the semen goes into the vagina during penetration, but because semen can get into the vagina before insertion (pre-cum, anyone?) or after ejaculation. While it's a lot less likely than unprotected vaginal sex, it is still possible.

2) All methods of birth control have risks, and no method is perfect for everyone. Condoms can cause allergic skin reactions, the pill can cause blood clotting problems, the IUD can cause tears in the uterus, etc. All of these are very rare occurrences, but I have to say it's never a bad idea to go talk to a doctor, nurse practitioner, or physician's assistant who you feel comfortable with. They can help figure out if you're at higher risk for one of the above events, and can help you discuss benefits and downsides of each method. Some providers may try to push you to use something you don't want to use, so if that's the case, go find another GYN! It's your body!

Good luck PILL, and make your boyfriend be involved in this process, regardless of what decision you make.
@77 and others,

Sorry that you had bad experiences with IUDs. However, those experiences (especially yours, 77) are over 30 years old. Things change.

Do IUDs work for everyone? No, especially if you're non-monogamous. Do placement problems occur? They can, and if your doctor didn't tell you about that, then it's on your doctor, not the IUD. That said, there is some risk in everything, but most issues with copper IUDs occur within 30 days of placement. Get that far and you're in for up to 10 years of reversible birth control without problems provided you don't get STIs in the interim. STIs that you can get just as easily while taking the pill.

Ibuprofen and possibly taking the pill for 3 months following insertion of an IUD will dramatically lessen the heavier periods that can occur. If you're used to pill-driven pseudo-periods, once you get an IUD, periods will seem heavier because they are real.

Oh, and the whole "get an IUD after having kids" thing? That's just because it's easier (and less painful) to dilate a cervix to 5mm after it's already been stretched to 10cm+ by a kid. I was/am nulliparous when my IUD was placed. The worst bit of the placement was the uterine sounding precisely because of my unstretched cervix. I think it was totally worth it for the years of monogamous condomless sex my husband and I are getting out of it. As always, individual mileage may vary.

But seriously, PILL, use something other than prayer as birth control.
because of epilepsy, I was not permitted to use the pill. At 20, I received my first IUD which stayed in place until 3 years after I was married. No harm done, the pill is not the answer for everyone.
Good advice for LD, but it kinda felt like "you're getting bad advice, go somewhere else for it". I think you let LD down, Dan: she's ALREADY gone somewhere else for advice, and it was your column. Sure, tell her to ditch her therapist already (DTMFT?), but there's an underlying problem.

Is hubby Bi? Poly? Sub? Whatever the issue, the poly community probably has the best answer for her. Open, honest communication between two (or more!) people who want the best for each other. Fuck societal norms, work out what will make YOU happy, as a couple. If there are communication problems, a therapist can help, but you might not even need one once you realise you can sit down together and turn your conservative monogamous marriage into whatever you want it to be!

Ultimately, a strong, loving couple should be able to sit down, talk about what they each want, and compromise. LD needs to not forget her own needs while accomodating her hubby. Feeling insecure? Jealous? Not bringing up her own kink because she thinks it's even weirder? Make sure the accomodating goes both ways. The insecurity one can be tough, and again, LD should look to some of the resources in the polyamory community for help. There are some great forums, blogs, and other resources available to suggest ways to embrace the poly lifestyle, and the tips should apply to just about whatever other lifestyle situation you two find yourselves in.

Also, on the topic of the asshole therapist. It sounds like you guys were on the right track already (you discussed opening your marriage), but your therapist shot that down (STOP COMMUNICATING WITH EACH OTHER! CONFORM TO SOCIETY'S EXPECTATIONS!). Therapists who screw up like this need to go back to therapy school. It sounds like this therapist was busy trying to make you fit a particular mould, rather than helping you deal with a problem.

So I guess I want it both ways, Dan. You shoulda given LD more advice, and played down the therapy thing; and Dan, you REALLY should have come down much harder on the therapist: people like this are out there ruining everybody's fun.
I wouldn't worry too much about Carrie Prejean. Let her enjoy her 15 minutes. A year from now, she'll be the answer to a trivia question and no one will remember her. I suspect she may not even be employable after this episode, except by some rightwingnut spin machine, Christian dominionist think tank, or CBN. Oh wait, I guess at a think tank you actually have to think. Never mind, Carrie. Send Pat Robertson your résumé instead. He probably needs "news" reporters.
Its sad and depressing to see a vicious psycho like Perez Hilton being increasingly embraced publicly and given a platform by a lot of savvy media people who should know better.
To the pill pushers: I bought into taking the pill years ago, at the urging of my then-boyfriend and doctor. For my trouble, I got the lovely side effects of exhaustion, uneven facial skin tone, and hair loss (the latter of which lasted years after I stopped the pill.) So please do not pressure someone to take the pill after she has expressed reluctance to do so.

To PILL: I can imagine that it is an adjustment for a 16 year old boy to use a condom if he is not used to it. Tough: as several other posters have pointed out, the reality of STD's means protection in the form of a condom is mandatory. If he is not man enough to accept that, he is not ready for sex. You can do better, and you deserve better, than a wimp who is willing to risk his health and yours, so stand up for yourself: you won't regret doing so, believe me...good luck...
To # 71, even in those few states where gay marriage is legal, NO church or other religious institution is forced to marry gay people, or anyone else. If a church wants to perform marriages solely for white people, or Catholics, or members of their church, they can do that. When we disucss legalizing gay marriage, we are talking about civil marriage performed by the state. It has no affect whatsoever on religious institutions.

Love the column, but I feel like it's become more of an outlet for your political commentary more than a sex column. I'd rather read questions that are chosen for a reason other than an excuse to discuss your political leanings.
I'm old (just to get it out there). When I became sexually active in my late teens (uhhh 30 years ago) I would have self-amputated a limb before I let myself get "accidentally" pregnant. Despite living in a rural community, having no sex ed, having parents that didn't talk, and an oppressive religious upbringing, I got myself to a clinic, got myself the pill, and TOOK IT EVERY DAY! Guess what? I didn't get pregnant. Really, not so tough.
@91 You missed my point totally. I'm saying that i would like "marriage" to be abolished as a legal instition and have it replaced by "unions". That would leave marriage as a soley a religious institution. Then straights could have marriage and gays could have equal protection under the law.
I tried several pills in my 20s. I can't even imagine what would have happened had I gone on any of them in my teens. Best case scenario – severe depression, probably fail school. Worst? Suicide, possibly murder.

Every single one I took screwed me up royally, including Yasmin and the Nuvaring. Constant bleeding, depression, lethargy. And my docs assured me nothing was wrong – just that those were typical side-effects (even 'acceptable,' according to some of them). They had me switch a few times before I realized I didn't have the fucking time to take a month or two off from reality.

I was always told that that's how long my body would take to adjust – oddly enough, I'm not sure my bosses would have accepted that as my reason for crying every single day. There's no non-maternity leave.

Knowing how I react to those, I would never, ever try a shot or hormonal IUD, and even a copper IUD... I can't risk it. I need something I can stop myself. Also, as many horror stories as I've heard about the pill (and there have been tons – it's insane how many women just feel they've got no choice but to 'put up with it'), I've heard more about Depo and Mirena.

So yay condoms and yay Plan B (I'd rather take that once or twice a year than a pill every day).

@ 92 - Then go listen to Sue Johanson instead? :)

@ 52 - Just because *you* are not secure enough with your relationship to be able to have multiple partners does not mean that others are not. I am neither cheating on, nor hurting, anyone in either of my relationships by having a committed sexual and/or emotional relationship with them. There is open communication, love, trust, and respect; there is nothing unhealthy about that.

I second the opinion on finding a "kink-aware professional" counselor. I also think that it takes a remarkably secure person to step up to the plate and say "I can't give him what he needs, but I'll do what I can to see that he gets it." I applaud that.

I also second DaveNYC in saying that NO 17 year old should be having ANY type of sex without a latex or polyurethane condom! Ever. Fetuses can be aborted; AIDS, Hepatitis C, HPV, and Herpes cannot. There is absolutely NO reason for any boy (because real men know better) to say that he shouldn't have to wear a condom. A couple men that I've slept with (including my current partner) just never realized that the condoms they were using were too small, and so they just thought that they couldn't wear them... until I promptly went to the store and bought a box of Trojan Magnums (and Magnum XL in two of the cases, after the Magnums were still too tight to even go on) and demonstrated for them that condoms are not the problem.

Given a range of many different sizes and the option of the female condom, you should never let anyone convince you that condoms are not a must.

From the CDC:

"Young women, especially those of minority races or ethnicities, are increasingly at risk for HIV infection through heterosexual contact. ...the rate of HIV prevalence among young women aged 16–21 was 50% higher than the rate among young men in that age group"…
Also, what the fuck is wrong with teenage boys? PRACTICE MASTURBATING WITH A CONDOM! If anything, you could use a little desensitization to last a little longer.

PILL, dump SL's advice, he's a GAY MAN. What you need to do is stand up to your lame-ass BF. Wearing a condom is not a big deal. If you don't want to end up pregnant, you need to get your game up and insist on wearing a condom each and every time you fuck your boyfriend. Not only will it offer you very good protection against unwanted pregnancy, it will protect you against many sexually transmitted diseases. If your BF refuses, you should respect yourself and DTMF. BTW, at sweet 16, the issue may be that you need to SHOW your boyfriend how to put a condom on. Take the initiative and protect yourself. And one who really cares about you will put your health or future at risk.
@ Pill: DTMFA!
Dan RE: Pill, nicely said. I'm a dude, I jerked a few buddies and vice versa, poked a few sticky fingers, and dry humped until sparks flew. My dinkie's clean and I have no child support!! YAY
Great response re: Miss Calculating!
And while I agree with your response to PILL, and Bristol, I'm a little surprised you didn't tackle the issue of the bf's condomphobia. It may be too early for them to start having sex, and the 16-year-old's professed dislike of condoms may well be an excuse to avoid doing "it", but still he needs to know that, when he's ready for vaginal sex (and probably anal sex, too), Mr. Rubber is a friend to the both of them.
From a while back, concerning the use of the word "retarded". My son is mentally retarded and hearing that word as an insult makes me want to punch whoever said it. It is a valid medical term.

However, lots of words that used to be valid medical terms have gradually changed meanings. Words like "idiot", "moron", "imbecile", "dumb" and "lame" to name a few. I say these all the time and mean no offense. Maybe "retard" is becoming that way. But this gives rise to awkward PC terms like "mentally challanged", "differently abled", which sound silly to me.

We should keep our insults to things like "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE" and not pervert valid medical terms.


From a while back, concerning the use of the word "retarded". My son is mentally retarded and hearing that word as an insult makes me want to punch whoever said it. It is a valid medical term.

However, lots of words that used to be valid medical terms have gradually changed meanings. Words like "idiot", "moron", "imbecile", "dumb" and "lame" to name a few. I say these all the time and mean no offense. Maybe "retard" is becoming that way. But this gives rise to awkward PC terms like "mentally challanged", "differently abled", which sound silly to me.

We should keep our insults to things like "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE" and not pervert valid medical terms.