Comments
Please wait...
Comments are closed.
Commenting on this item is available only to members of the site. You can sign in here or create an account here.
Editors' Picks
is a proud member of the
media network
media network
All contents © Index Newspapers LLC
800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
WRAP IT UP OR YOU WILL REGRET IT ONE DAY!!!
i can promise you that.
My boyfriend doesn't like condoms either, but he committed to getting used to them once we realized I shouldn't be taking ANY hormonal birth control due to regular aural migraines + family history of stroke. With this combo, hormones would increase stroke risk 2-3 times for me. Ladies, ask your doctor about this if you get migraines, because I was prescribed pills/nuvaring by several who did not check! (And as for IUD, I would if I could, but my uterus has been measured to be slightly too small... crap!)
Anyway - bottom line is that your priority at age 17 is to find what works for you. Your bf will learn to come just fine with condoms, and realize it's the least he can do in return for sex and your health. If he occasionally still has trouble, perhaps from jacking off too much lately to retain any sensitivity, there are many other ways to help. Have fun!
But Geez...some people here are being awfully harsh on PILL's bf for disliking condoms. Many, perhaps most men, myself included, do not like condoms. Some people might find that they aren't a big issue and don't significantly affect the sensations. The vast majority of these people seem to be women. I successfully used a variety of condoms with and without lubes for years with a number of partners. Successful in terms of no unintended pregnancies but I frequently had a struggle to reach climax with one on. My best comparison for women- it's about like wearing latex gloves to cuddle with a newborn baby. Sure, you get the general sense of what's going on but the details and nuance are all gone. Better than not having sex at all, but not by much.
I do apologize for the curt way this is coming out, but plenty of women struggle to reach climax using a variety of methods. Wonder how that feels.
It's fantastic lots of couples can work out a compromise that works for both sides, but considering the cost (financial and physiological) of hormonal contraceptives and the punishment of unprotected sex, I think most people would shut their mouths and deal with "struggling" that can come with condoms. (Hell, I can't finish at all with intercourse -- condom or no condom.)
People are being harsh on PILL not because he dislikes condoms, but because he's basically putting all the burden of contraception on his girlfriend, and willing to risk her well-being for his own pleasure. What he thinks and what he feels *are* very important, but not next to her risking her health. That's not a good guy, whatever his preferences.
Unfortunately, it's often meant I have to fake an orgasm of my own and make sure my partner never sees the condom afterward. Too many people get hung up on the idea that you can't get off by fucking them. Then you have them feeling guilty or giving you guilt trips. When they can just accept that I can't get off with the condom, but that I'm still having fun then things go smoothly. That's when it can get really hot and nasty and all those other things that Dan talked about get thrown in to the equation.
Here's the thing about outercourse et al. as foolproof: it ceases to be foolproof if the hot-and-botheredness it produces makes the kids say "oh, what the hell" and go ahead with coitus. (Especially a problem if they'd told themselves, "we're only doing manual and oral, no need to keep condoms on hand".) Now, I'm all in favor of selling people on the safer pleasures. But a lot of people don't find them as satisfying as coitus, and don't feel the same visceral drive to engage in them, even if they haven't been taught that sex is coitus or nothing.
If it's unrealistic to tell kids "hey, no sexual activity!", then I don't see that it's any more realistic to say, "hey, all the sexual activity you want, except that at the crucial moment you must resist the behavior your gonads are begging you to do!".
Here's the thing about outercourse et al. as foolproof: it ceases to be foolproof if the hot-and-botheredness it produces makes the kids say "oh, what the hell" and go ahead with coitus. (Especially a problem if they'd told themselves, "we're only doing manual and oral, no need to keep condoms on hand".) Now, I'm all in favor of selling people on the safer pleasures. But a lot of people don't find them as satisfying as coitus, and don't feel the same visceral drive to engage in them, even if they haven't been taught that sex is coitus or nothing.
If it's unrealistic to tell kids "hey, no sexual activity!", then I don't see that it's any more realistic to say, "hey, all the sexual activity you want, except that at the crucial moment you must resist the behavior your gonads are begging you to do!".
Here's the thing about outercourse et al. as foolproof: it ceases to be foolproof if the hot-and-botheredness it produces makes the kids say "oh, what the hell" and go ahead with coitus. (Especially a problem if they'd told themselves, "we're only doing manual and oral, no need to keep condoms on hand".) Now, I'm all in favor of selling people on the safer pleasures. But a lot of people don't find them as satisfying as coitus, and don't feel the same visceral drive to engage in them, even if they haven't been taught that sex is coitus or nothing.
If it's unrealistic to tell kids "hey, no sexual activity!", then I don't see that it's any more realistic to say, "hey, all the sexual activity you want, except that at the crucial moment you must resist the behavior your gonads are begging you to do!".
Here's the thing about outercourse et al. as foolproof: it ceases to be foolproof if the hot-and-botheredness it produces makes the kids say "oh, what the hell" and go ahead with coitus. (Especially a problem if they'd told themselves, "we're only doing manual and oral, no need to keep condoms on hand".) Now, I'm all in favor of selling people on the safer pleasures. But a lot of people don't find them as satisfying as coitus, and don't feel the same visceral drive to engage in them, even if they haven't been taught that sex is coitus or nothing.
If it's unrealistic to tell kids "hey, no sexual activity!", then I don't see that it's any more realistic to say, "hey, all the sexual activity you want, except that at the crucial moment you must resist the behavior your gonads are begging you to do!".
I too had an age difference in one of my relationships (bigger than yours and your boyfriend's) and my partner wasn't ready for full-on intercourse. So we didn't do it. We did lots of other things until he trusted me enough to attempt it, and since it wasn't so good for him the first time, we took it slow some more until we tried it again. On the other hand the non-intercourse sex I had with him was some of the best I've ever had! Dan gives lots of good suggestions but the main trick is to be creative, find your partner's erogenous zones and above all allow it to be intense, really get into the other person and let yourself be swept up in their reactions and make sure they do the same. Sex, at least good sex, is at least as much about the intense sharing of your body and emotions with someone else as it is about the specific physical thing you do in bed. For instance, SM, very intense, but not necessarily any kind of intercourse - not that I'm suggesting you try SM (unless you're into that sort of thing), it's just meant as an example of how things can get extremely intense without intercourse.
And while we're in the realm of Things Teenage Boyfriends Tend To Do: 17-year-old ladies, don't let your boyfriends talk you into giving them BJs and never going down on you because he "doesn't like it" and don't let him get away with having an orgasm time and again while leaving you with none because "it's really hard" or "I'm sleepy now." I've heard all these stories from too many women and it's getting old.
And while we're in the realm of Things Teenage Boyfriends Tend To Do: 17-year-old ladies, don't let your boyfriends talk you into giving them BJs and never going down on you because he "doesn't like it" and don't let him get away with having an orgasm time and again while leaving you with none because "it's really hard" or "I'm sleepy now." I've heard all these stories from too many women and it's getting old.
Different people have different hormonal levels, and different birth control pills have different hormonal levels. If the hormone level in the pill is incompatible with your personal hormone level, you may experience side effects. A pill with a more compatible hormone level will likely alleviate these side effects.
For example, I've had pills that reduce my sex drive and pills that increase my sex drive. I've had pills that give me acne and pills that cure my acne.
Go to your doctor or clinic, tell them which pills you've tried and what side effects they gave you, and see if they can prescribe you something better. I'd recommend trying at least three different formulations before writing off the entire method of birth control.
http://www.cafepress.com/cp/members/prod…
It says "How can someone argue abstinence is 100% effective when they worship a man born of a virgin?
http://www.cafepress.com/cp/members/prod…
It says "How can someone argue abstinence is 100% effective when they worship a man born of a virgin?
Once again, you score a direct bullseye on your advice to
LD, BOYS, and PILL!!
Miss CA, you truly ARE a dumb bitch!
Keep on rocking the house, Dan!
Asking for sex help at 17 shows you're smarter than me and most of the population at 20 or 30. Dan's advice is amazing again this week. But there's more.
You and all teenagers should have a low cost plan B pill just in case. Have someone over 18 get it if your region still has that restriction. Volunteer for pro-choice groups if that is your side of things. I got one as part of a secret shopper to rat out evil pharmacists. When the condom broke, no drama, she took the pill and period came a bit early and a bit more heavy. But who really knows if the change was random or plan B related. Next period was average.
Sex can be totally wonderful with the right condom and lube. I'm a male and I love condoms. I've never had an STD and had 20 partners, some just for a night. No unintended pregnancy either. When I was younger the condom prevented me from premature ejac. On some occasions things dry up or go wrong, just take off the condom, get him hard again using one of the 4 hands in the room. He will never forget you telling him to come on your chest. He'll think of it every 5 minutes for the next 2 weeks and then taper off somewhat.
At 17 you should be able to go to a sex shop and buy a wide variety of condoms and wide variety of tiny lube packets. If not just send cash to good vibrations in SF. They have a student discount and I'm sure the staff person will cut you a break if you say you are a college student in a low income area with no access. Leave out your age FYI. Have the return address go somewhere safe if your parents don't approve.
I don't know why condoms don't come in a dual foil or plastic packet, condom on one side, lube on the other. You need both. Condom without lube is going to be very so-so to plain old awful for most couples.
Send a letter with cash to good vibrations asking for a low income starter pack with 2 of each condom and mini lube pack. You'll have a ton of fun. If your boyfriend does not like the idea Dump him asap. There are lots of other boys your age who meet your long and short term sexual and interpersonal needs and would die to serve you.
Good Vibrations
603 Valencia St
San Francisco, CA 94110
http://preview.tinyurl.com/goodvcondoms
my tops pics: Skinless Crown, Kimono Micro thin, lifestyles Skyn, Paradise Super Sensitive, Trojan Magnum, Trojan Magnum XL
lube: Liquid Silk, Astroglide
ps: I don't work at good vibes or have any connections to them.
You're a teen - but believe me you'll encounter this kind of "problem" all your life. You don't have to ingest medication if it's wrong with you. Many women don't use the pill. I'm a 35yo female and I don't : no unwanted pregnancies.
You're both young. You don't want a baby now, you don't want STIs. A condom is the best solution. Don't use a UID : it's for women who already have had all the babies they wanted, it can jeopardize your fertility.
You'll do a good deed if you make the boyfriend use and like condoms. Because, for most of his life, he's gonna have to use a condom for sex - or else he'll end up with STIs and/or on Maury and/or like the Duggars. A guy, that won't put a condom on, and then complains he's been tricked when he has an unwanted kid, beggars belief. Let the boyfriend not become this kind of loser. If he insists on being one, DTMFA.
Try different condoms, play with them and lube, until you're both comfortable with it during outercourse. Don't rush to intercourse, explore your bodies first, you'll get much more pleasure from that (oral sex is great) than from a plain, stupid, botched intercourse. Believe me... years of boring intercourse until I met a guy that was more interested in me having pleasure than in him ejaculating inside me as soon as he could.
And #132 is totally right : get a plan B pill as a precaution. Sometimes the condom slips. As far as I know those pills are not contraceptive, if you're already pregnant it won't kill the egg. But if you're not yet pregnant, you won't be. I've used it twice. Early periods, that's all.
What did you all expect, a Stanford Doctoral Candidate?
I can't believe anyone here actually watched the Miss America contest. Wasn't Survivor Appalachia on?
And what's with Perez Hilton? Why is he so ashamed of his real name that he takes the name of a Three Star Hotel Chain?
Would it surprise you to learn that a black person might become so angry that he/she (gasp) becomes impolite when responding to someone who politely advocates segregation and anti-miscegenation laws?
Are Jews expected to "keep it civil" with polite Nazis?
For gays and lesbians, the things these idiots are talking about aren't "beliefs" or "issues"; they're our fucking lives. And damn straight, I do hate people who think I'm less than human. Even when they make their case politely.
Ummm... no honey. Ask 10 people if they know even the first name of the woman who WON the Miss USA title. Or if even five people know what state she is from. EVERYONE knows who Carrie Prejean is. EVERYONE. And she's getting speaking engagements, book deals, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. What price is it again that she's paid? The toils of fame?
Secondly NO ONE has infringed on her freedom of speech. She is allowed to open her damned fool mouth as much as she wants to. She is, however, not allowed to censor the opinions coming from the people who disagree with her, and that seems to be what she wants. She wants to be a hero for standing up for opposite marriage, but if anyone says boo about it? Well, they're just being unfair, and it shouldn't happen in her America. Except if you're the Dixie Chicks. I mean, isn't that what the internet is for? You wanna be a public figure, well, you'd better get used to criticism. Especially when you're roundly criticizing what? 10% or so of the population?
Welcome to grown up land, honey. You sure can say whatever you want, but that means that I can say whatever *I* want too. And we both have to accept the consequences.
i suppose its better to be aligned with men who's life revolves around inserting their dicks in other mens rectums. so much for your credibility.
Umm... I haven't researched this but maybe you are supposed to have the IUD removed once you get pregnant?
We don't even know whether or not the girl LIKES giving blowjobs. For some, vaginal sex is much more enjoyable.
The activities and safety precautions they take should be a mutual negotiations between the partners. Prescribed rules just don't work, especially when they seem to be resting on this old assumption that the guy has to get off. (but what the girl wants is not asked)
To PILL: Girls mature faster than boys for a reason. Use it to your advantage. His excuses are lame (as in useless, not as in crippled.). If he's got sensitivity issues, tell him to quit jacking off for a week and try it again. Either way, you got the pussy, he want the pussy, make him work for it.
Polygamy, right?
Polygamy, right?
Frankly I think Satan gets a bad wrap.
IMO, each partner should see to BC. I completely understand about PILL not being able to tolerate BC Pills (due to medical reasons, neither can I) but their are other options out there. Try to Diaphram or something similar to deal with both STDs and Pregnancy. She should talk with her OB/GYN. Even if they like to prescribe the pill, if she puts her foot down on it, they have to discuss with her other options (or better yet, find a different OB/GYN!!). It's always a good idea to visit with one and talk to a doctor BEFORE thinking about having sex.
The guy should also provide his own BC method for both the STD and Pregnancy issue. The only way you'll ever be sure it's done right is if you do it yourself. How does he know that a year or 10 years down the road that the girl is really on the pill?? How does the guy know that any girl is really clean?? or visa versa. Remember, even with HIV, if you are tested early, sometimes it won't show. It can take around 6 months for a test to come back positive, meanwhile you could be spreading it around and not know. There are too many STDs out there and who knows when the next newest one will show up or what it will be?? Diseases change, new ones are found. Plain and simple, be smart people. If something doesn't work for you, look around, talk to a doctor (yes guys, you can talk to your doc too!). And if your desires for sexual protection aren't being fufilled with your partner, consider it a differnce in belifes, and look for someone who is compatible with you in that same department.
I have a Paragard (copper) IUD and it's worked fabulously. The first six months or so (yeah, six months) blew in terms of the pain and the length of my periods, but in July I'll have had it for a year and my last few periods have been totally, completely normal - and when you think about 6 months in the context of 10 years of hassle-free, reversible birth control, that is totally fucking awesome.
And, since I'm not currently long-term monogamous I still use condoms! It's just nice to not have to run out for the morning-after pill if problems arise. IT IS TOTALLY PRACTICAL AS A BACK-UP METHOD, AS PRACTICAL AS THE PILL. I'm surprised no one's made that comparison. Only for long-term relationships my ass - although I was in one when it was originally inserted, which is probably why they were willing to give it to me.
That said, yeah, PILL, don't fuck him without a condom - and I agree with what one above poster said about teaching him that insensitive jerks don't get laid. But I think the outercourse advice is spot-on anyway.
AS FAR AS MS. CALIFORNIA, THE DUMB BLOND SET HERSELF UP FOR THAT BACKLASH, WHICH SHE DESERVINGLY GOT. PEOPLE SHOULD NOT CAST JUDGEMENT AGAINST OTHERS, OR PRESS THEIR BELIEFS ON OTHERS.......SHE WILL NEVER REPRESENT ANY QUALITY OF MISS AMERICA.
Dan, were you in on that production?
Can't wait - especially since I have never been able to make it to the festival itself.
In this PARTICULAR circumstance, "try poly" seems like good advice. The relationship is good, sex is lacking, and an absence of monogamy doesn't seem to bother either partner.
Go to any poly community forum and try asking any sort of "my relationship is in trouble, will trying poly help?" question, and they'll sound all sorts of alarm bells and tell you that polyamory is for strong, secure relationships only. You should never turn to poly to help fix a relationship in trouble, unless the ONLY trouble is someone not getting enough sex/intimacy/dates/whatever AND both people in the relationship are comfortable with the idea.
I like what you told PILL but wish that you had mentioned all the other kinds of birth control out there. There's the Depo-Provera shot, the patch, the implant, the ring (which is very low dose and many women prefer to the pill) there are IUDs (both with and without hormones) and cervical caps that can be used with spermicide. Also, there are many kinds of pills (from low to high dose, mini-pills, various hormone combos, etc) and PILL should talk to a professional about which pills she was on and the specific things she didn't like about them.
Some are much more effective than others, there are serious cost barriers to some of these if they're not covered by insurance, and there can be side effects to any sort of hormonal birth control, but it's good to be aware that they exist.
I also had awful experiences with hormonal pills and it took years until I finally got a great doctor who took the time to ask about how my pills were working for me and to explain all my options -- and there are so many! I now have a non-hormonal IUD, it is fantastic for me, and I am grateful for my doctor's advice.
Here's a great list/effectiveness chart: http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-…
Thanks!
I knew a couple in an open relationship, where he went one way and she went another. Jealousy and competition ensued, and they fought bitterly until they divorced. Perhaps they weren't doing it right and not true to the open relationship. I also knew a couple in an open relationship, but it was only open when they were physically separated, it was more like a free pass to play when not home. That did not seem like an open relationship, it seemed like allowed cheating that neither of them discussed.
To me it sounds like you are going to try some sort of 'allowed cheating' to have his needs filled, why not share the intimate experience? Even if he has BDSM needs you probably can find some way to be a part of that experience.
My thoughts though are if you are currently in a sexually monogamous relationship, don't jump to into the deep end and try an open relationship, start with threesomes first and then if that works well try swinging.
I prefer the sharing aspect to swinging. We both get so turned on by seeing our partner enjoying themselves. The swinging is like extended foreplay for us and then at the end of the night we make love to each other. It has greatly enhanced our trust and faith in each other.
The pill is not a good thing for the human body and doesn't protect against STDs. As so many have said here. Another problem is if an irrisponsible partner knows you are on the pill he is more likely to push you to have sex without a condom, there-by risking your health.
Someone who doesn't want to use a condom with you won't be likely to use them with others and this is a rist to your health. In the age of aides - a big risk.
While an IUD is not as risky to your everyday health (or long term, down the road health), it doesn't protect you like a barrier method would.
Do all the fun stuff Dan recommends. Keep condoms and lube on hand. No penetration without a condom. If you are pressured, get up and leave. Standing seriously behind your requirements is a strong statement. Have enough self respect to put your own health first.
Good luck!
otherwise pregnancy will be ALL TOO FREAKIN' LIKELY.
Mr. Hilton may be tasteless and vapid, but he's right. Miss Prejean is a dumb bitch not because she doesn't toe the homo party line, but because most reasonable people would surmise that her actions are bitchy and her statements are stupid. She's welcome to say whatever she wants. And I am welcome to criticize her for it.
Opposing marriage equality isn't like opposing a bond issue or not liking how one's taxes are being spent. Opposition to marriage equality simply is not a justifiable position. It's prejudice, pure and simple. Quit bitching about being forced to agree with the gay community (whatever that is), and own your own bias. Only then can you move forward and work through it, for the country's benefit as well as your own.
Think about it. What is "locally"? It's your PARTS that's what it is. Lack of sexual response, lack of lubrication, lack of sensation, all signs of low libido which is a by now well-documented side effect of hormonal birth control methods, whether Nuva ring, Mirena or progesterone-only.
Remember: "low dose" only means lower than in the pills women took in the 70's. But the amount of hormones in modern pills still packs a huge punch, no matter how you look at it.
To girlswithfakemustaches:
BRAVO!!! You go, girl!! I couldn't have put it better myself!
And then she can explain to him that not all condoms are the same and the things he doesn't like about one type can probably be fixed by buying a different kind. (I hate the smell of Nonoxynol-9, for instance, so I get the Trojans in the light green box -- no idea what they're really called, which have lube but no spermicide and for whatever reason seem to be easier to put on than others.)
that girl should try different pills. She should work with her doctor till she finds one right for her. Or look for a doctor who will get an IUD implanted. Also PLEASE reiterate the importance of condom use to her in preventing STDs, and testing for STDs if they're in a monogamous relationship, but that condoms are really the way to go when you're dating hormonal roving teenage boys.
Interestingly, according to surveys done both in the US and in my home country of Norway, a large percentage of christian youngsters do not consider sexual acts outside of vaginal penetration sex. Mutual masturbation and oral sex? Quite fine. The Reverend Bill McGinnis even goes as far as *stating* that dating with petting until achieved orgasm can be an option to avoid sex among unmarried christians.
Which I find pretty awesome, really. If only they preached this belief more loudly - I think my time in the youth club of my local church would have been much more awesome (and I probably would have had my sexual debut in the form of a threesome at a skiing trip :-P )
I agree with your general sentiment, but the type of Christians who thump Bibles do not revere Mary or vice versa. There's this little thing called Catholicism that you might have heard of, as well as my neighbors the fundamentalist evangelicals. They are very different, and knowing matters for all sorts of reasons, not least because they are some of our primary opponents in fighting for gay rights and reproductive rights, and it's a lot harder to fight people intelligently when you don't know a fucking thing about them.
I must be getting old.
When I was in youth groups 10 years ago or so, they were much more concerned with the idea of "purity" than sex. Vaginal and anal sex, oral sex, and mutual masturbation were all right there on the same tier of pre-marital badness. There was near-consensus that nipple play impinged purity, but a lively debate on where there were "pure" tongue kisses.
I don't think I ever heard "virginity" mentioned.
Is this a denominational thing or a generational thing?
My partner of ten years can't tolerate the pill or IUD, she can't find a diaphragm that fits and it hurts her like hell to even try to remove the cap let alone succeed, and I'm allergic to every spermicide we've tried anyway (including all options for use with the diaphragm/cap). So "outercourse" it's been, for ten years. It IS real sex. And uh...it's really not difficult to "resist" "saying 'Oh, what the hell!'" It's...just not.
Just like it's not difficult to learn to tolerate condoms. (And the cap never hurts anyone -- she must be lying -- DTMFA!)
IOW: People are different. Accept what they say about themselves.
It's interesting. You seem to only publish well crafted questions, but your answers are generally spiced with thoughtless expletives.
As a longtime waiter and bartender, I am the first to talk like I live in a gutter. But, you are a nationally syndicated columnist that could reach a much larger audience if you got more creative with your language. I am not asking you to tone it down, but rev it up with more wit and intelligence.
Your advice is always sound but your frosting is often thin or sour. Thicken it up with something a little more appetizing, would you?
"Fuck your asshole therapist"? What kind of Freudian invitation is that?
Calling any beauty queen a "dumb bitch"? I'm sorry but my barkless (on account of surviving
a horrible car accident before I adopted her) dog Millie is highly offended to be put in same category as what's-her-face. Unlike Millie who deserves showers of affection, what's-her-face deserves NO ATTENTION from anyone. Why not an old-fashioned shunning?
Q. Why can 70 year old Catholic Italian Prime Ministers have sex with a 14 year old Roman virgins (of either sex) and not be run out of office or face extradition to America?
A. Because Italians really only care if you drive a Alfa Romeo and your wife owns a Prada. Besides, 14 year olds in Italy can have sex with anyone they want so long as they are 13 years old (or older). How's that for the most Catholic and abortion-averse country in Europe?
Bristol shouldn't be so obedient to Mommy Dearest and be her back-up singer for a 2012 run. Bristol should keep spreading the news that sex with Levi was awesome and having babies is just fine if you have nouveau riche star-struck parents who love showing them off to win votes from barren Christian housewives in Fargo.
You get anaesthetic when you have them put in so you feel nothing, and 3 years later if you still want to carry on you just have the old one taken out and replaced. If at any time you find you don't like the effects, or you want to try for a baby, you can have it taken out any time and you'll be ready to start trying straight away.
I've been using them ever since I met my current partner, who cannot use condoms due to a deformity. We've been together 8 years now and have never had a pregnancy scare.