Wow, I'm amazed at the wide range of comments this week, and I have to throw my unwanted and unasked-for screed in as well.

Everyone, NSA does have a chance here. I don't know these two people, but I know from past lovers-become-friends that some men have the "you don't hit girls" thing so deeply hitched within them (for which I'm grateful, btw) that they can't undo it on their own, even on request. If NSA's bf is one of those then it's not training or compromise but a release from inhibition that will change things. Besides, for all you "train-him-yourselfers," in some BDSM circumstances it is nigh-impossible for the sub to train or even demonstrate what it is they're after.

To the cheating vs. open folks - I don't think Dan is saying cheating is somehow OKAY by any stretch of the imagination. He's saying it shouldn't necessarily be a break-up offense. The principle is simple - after, say, 7 years of commitment one partner gets blind drunk during a miserable patch and cheats. It's not right and it's not in any way shape or form acceptable, and yes that means the person is an asshole, but that doesn't mean the incident automatically outweighs 7 years of loyalty and fidelity. By the same token, most of the times I see Dan sanctioning cheating, it's a "no possibility of compromise and young children are a factor" circumstance. So Dan errs on the side of preserving family - neither choice is a good one in that type of situation, so I can sympathize with his decision.

NSA: say goodbye to your current boyfriend. I don't think he'll endure the test and he'll quit... unless he has some other fantasies of his own, of course. But mostly I'd predict that this relationship is doomed. However, I wouldn't change Dan's advice. He's got to be coherent with himiself. Good luck.

I'm a divorce lawyer, and I think married people should stop getting so excited about infidelity.

Dan, stop pushing your anti-monogamy agenda on me and your readers. You're no expert to be proclaiming it's "unnatural"; humans mate for life-- it's not society's fault your boyfriend doesn't want to be having sex with only you.

Oh, and to NSA: you have a gorgeous 25-year-old boyfriend who's understanding and yet dating a weirdo? Pass him onto me after he sees what you look like having sex with your ex-boyfiend, and you two break up :)

NSA - sometimes you need to be selfish, because if you aren't happy at 3 months, just imagine after 3 years of your needs not being met.

nsa - be selfish, if you are frustrated at 3 months, imagine the frustration at 3 years or 13.

@105

just another case of the "I Only have eyes for you." As dan said, it is a song, not a sentiment.

a note on monogamy: mongamous animals that mate for life screw around on each other. It's not surprising that it happens with a species (us) that has so much sex for enjoyment. We also may have more complex social webs than some mating-for-life birds and such--not to mention bigger imaginations.

I think there's a big disctinction between sexual and partner monogamy, and the ideal of 100% fidelity is taken so seriously that it probably does more harm than good by setting expectation at "perfect". The way monogamy is viewed is a bit skewed.

I think this is the point of Dan saying "people aren't hardwired for monogamy". Given the chance, he usually adds plenty of caveats to that statement, but he can't be expected to go into it in detail every time it comes up.

"I'm a divorce lawyer, and I think married people should stop getting so excited about infidelity."

If your wife is hot, tell her your views, and send her to my place with some lube and no change of clothes. I'll get her back to you in a few days.

"@78: How do you know NSA was traumatized during her childhood just because she likes to be dominated?"

@82: that's not what was said. Read it more carefully: 82 said this is what Dr. Drew would have said, and 82 was right, Dr. Drew does jump to conclusions like that.

To say that we're all wired to not be monogamous is one hell of a generalization. I've dated quite a few girls and when I'm in a relationship I don't even have the desire to cheat or check other girls out. It might be because of my father's rampant cheating when I was much younger that caused my view on relationships, but I don't think I'm the only person out there who can honestly be sexually monogamous in a relationship. However, on the flip side of the coin, since I was raised in an environment where my father kept a mistress for most of my parents' long-since-broken marriage that only I knew about for 16 years, I've never been surprised at people cheating. To each his own, I suppose, but I loathe to think that I'd end up being like my father and end up cheating on someone I love and having to hide it. Why don't we talk about a public couple that stays together and in love for 50 or 60 years every time we find some public figure who is cheating? Why can't we give both sentiments equal coverage? It'd only be fair (although entirely unrealistic in our sensationalized media, I always find stories like Clive Wearing heartwarming).

Also, NSA, involving your ex is one hell of a minefield. I did that in college while very drunk trying to teach my then gf something my ex did very well (mostly biting, hitting, and choking) and before the night was over I was dumped and my ex and I were no longer on talking terms. Of course in that case I didn't really ask for permission or have any prolonged discussion with either party, and kind of just dragged them into my dorm room. Some people are okay with the tutorial idea outright - I'd be okay if my current gf want to show me how to be more dominant since I'm typically more submissive - but it can be one hell of an insult even if he doesn't say or show it, so make sure he's really okay and make sure it's a one time deal, for educational purposes only. Also, if it's the only thing in your relationship you're not quite clicking with, well, you're lucky, a lot of our relationships have tons more issues than just an unwillingness to play rough. Maybe you should just show him that rough sex is actually more fun than he previously expected, because it really adds energy, tension, and that pump of adrenaline to sex that he might have never experienced before. Maybe you can ease him into it with light bondage and progress without involving your ex, avoiding the potential drama.

I wish i had an ex to teach my husband how to be my Dom, you're lucky NSA that you have a man that is willing to learn in such a way...lol
Kai

As a "trained from life not to hit a girl", publicly recognized "nice guy" who's recently discovered his dominant side -- I feel I have to stick up for the GGG boyfriend here. It's fully possible for anyone to have a spectrum of dom/sub fantasies and the trading of roles and acting out of fantasies within a loving relationship is completely credible.

I have to say, their scenario is hot. Just because he'd be into seeing his girl be treated like a dirty slut, doesn't make him a pussy or a sub. Maybe as a dom he enjoys the idea of letting his girl be used in this way. Why should we assume she is the one using him? If he's scared off, he'll run. If he's not, he'll get to see her be used and abused without being the first to "hit" and then take over. If he's a cuckold, he'll get off, she'll get fucked, and the ex will have his balls drained. Win. Win. Win.

These stories _are_ about more than the affair in most cases.

Ensign didn't only have an extramarital affair, he used his power to increase the salary of his mistress, his mistress's husband, and give her son a job that a person in high school would otherwise never acheive. This was not his money, it was the Republican National Committee's. This should be the true scandal.

All of these folks are also connected to right wing organizations that oppose marriage equality, giving the reasons that it would somehow pollute the sacred bond of marriage. Isn't this a bit hypocritical?

What happened to the promised excoriation of some dumbass Indiana high school prinicipal as told on this weeks' podcast? I was really looking forward to it Dan!
And I'm surprised the sneaky shit who submitted the pix of the girls monkeying around on their summer break escaped unscathed by your bang-on and tremendously accurate vitriol :)