Comments
Please wait...
Comments are closed.
Commenting on this item is available only to members of the site. You can sign in here or create an account here.
Editors' Picks
is a proud member of the
media network
media network
All contents © Index Newspapers LLC
800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
You probably get so sick of hearing it, but I just have to tell you how much I look forward to your column that is filled with words of wisdom. You bravely sing out with head, heart and body...keep it up, Dan (no puns intended) - you're a true crusader and will someday go down in the books.
Lotsa Love to you and your loved ones ~
The Queen Of Quotes (divine-line.blogspot.com)
And if sexual play means so little to him, renegotiate monogomy!!
I happen to be with a man just like that (only he is 4 years older, not 12). The difference is that we DO NOT have children together, and I happen to be unemployed and in school right now. If I could afford to leave him without worrying about leaving school and moving back in with my mom on her po-dunk farm, I'd leave him in a heartbeat. He changed his mind about having children with me 6 months ago due to a recently developed (within the past year) medical condition that zapped him of his energy, but even before that he had a low sex drive. I feel like he doesn't love me anymore (if ever), and that I've wasted 7 years of my life with him.
What do I do about this? Can any of you sloggers give me some constructive and helpful advice about what to do? Do I stick it out until I'm done with school? Do I leave him now anyway? Cheat? What is a girl with a high drive, currently between jobs, and still in college to do?
You are a wh&%e. Literally. You are remaining in a relationship for money (housing is money). Using someone for money is never ok. It is his right not to "put out." It is also your right to give him an ultamatum, or just leave him. But if you stay with him for money, and cheat on him, then your a b&^!@.
Be well soon, and try using your non-dominant hand for typing, jerking off, brushing teeth and hair, etc. Helps alot.
I'd REALLY like to know more about this region.
At this point, I would say look into student loans and part-time work, and as soon as you can be financially independent and self-reliant again, go it on your own. But I don't... really understand how you could bear to be leaching on him up until now. It's one thing to be financially interdependent when you're married and you're both bringing certain skill sets to the table in order to create a life together; it's quite another to have one-sided, total financial dependence while you're in college. That doesn't seem self-respecting to me.
As important as your education is, your self-respect matters more: I agree with #16 that your current situation does not seem self-respecting. The contempt you have for your partner will lead you to hate yourself for staying with him, even if you are doing so only for the sake of getting a degree.
So, since you asked for advice: get student aid. If you cannot get enough aid to move out, look for a job. Take the first job you can find that will enable you to move out--even if you have to live in a closet and eat ramen noodles. Switch to part-time status at school if necessary. Do *not* cheat: you are in no position to take the risk of being kicked out if you are caught.
Yes, this will all be difficult and painful, but in the end, it will be less painful than staying in a relationship with someone you do not love, or lust after, or respect. Good luck.
You will be fine, you will recover and it'll all take about a year till you're actually feelin like you're, maybe, starting to have your shit together again. Or at least I figure that's how long it'll take... I'm only on month number 9 myself, but I'm really starting to feel like I'm getting there.
Finally... Where the fuck is this Canadian Bible belt?
http://bit.ly/6k4HqF
I pull my weight around the house: I take care of all household chores, the dogs, my step-daughter, and pay for my own schooling through working temp jobs, but the temp work isn't regular enough to maintain financial independence. I know I asked for advice, and while I appreciate the fact that I asked and people answered (without knowing all the facts), your assumption of my being a whore is inaccurate. Just wanted to clear that up.
So long as you return the favour!!
Alberta!!!!!! (I know because my family is from there)
(It'll sting a bit on wet skin, if you apply right after washing up, but that's okay, as long as your skin is clean.)
You're not supposed to use it more than once a day, for three weeks at a time -- but whenever I've used DMSO for anything, it's cleared up whatever within a couple days.
Alternately: acupuncture.
Dan, you're recategorizing P2EP's husband's low sex drive as a lack of care and concern for her needs. I wonder if you would likewise attribute her desire to go out and get kinky with other people as a lack of affection and respect for her husband. There's a double standard here.
While it's true the wife's needs are not being met, the husband has needs, too, which are not being met. When he desires to *not* have sex, he should be able to do as he wishes and *not* have sex. It is only half correct to say that everyone should have as much sex as they want, whenever and however they want it. The more inclusive point of view is that everyone deserves the right to have *as much sex as they desire*--even if the amount of sex they desire is little or none.
I have a very low sex drive and have come away quite emotionally damaged from relationships in which I was the lower-driven partner and felt I needed to force mysef to have sex when I didn't want to. I wasn't getting my needs met--my needs for physical affection and closeness that didn't involve sex--but since society told me that my needs were wrong and selfish, I ignored them.
It may help the husband to check out http://www.asexuality.org. He should understand that it is no more his fault that he has a low sex drive than it is the wife's fault she has a high one, and he does not need to accept being made to feel guilty for the way he is.
Let me end by saying: Dan, I'm glad you celebrate and encourage P2EP to live her life the way she wants. I wish that you would give people like her husband the same encouragement.
Though some may be too shy to admit to being a dom. No one I know would guess me to be one upon meeting me. So just make sure not to assume that someone who's into kink is going to act that way all the time.
He IS lazy and selfish in that he won't make the effort to pleasure his wife even when they do have sex. That's the main problem, not his low sex drive.
Ugh, or maybe not.
(I went through six months and many $$$s to learn that it's probably not carpal tunnel. If you ignore it, it will only get worse. I went from ignorable pain to not being able to hold a knife or a doorknob, much less type.)
NOT everyone can have a relationship that is perfect in every way. I think emotional needs are as important as sexual needs (for most people, anyhow) in determining the "success" of the relationship. Your column gives people the idea that they SHOULD be prioritizing sex above all else.
Surely you know, by now, that you are a real cultural influence. You not only reflect the realities of popular culture, but you really have the ability to influence young people's beliefs... I see it in my friends. So sometimes I think it would be nice if you could show more of a balanced, nuanced perspective, instead of just always going for pithy and to-the-point.
If you type with the hand that has carpal tu nnel it will get MUCH WORSE VERY QUICKLY and will take ages to get better. If you rest it you may be able to use it again in a week or so. For now, you'll just have to type and wank with just your left hand, slow and frustrating as it is.
And see your doctor.
Turn your column over to trusted experts for the week and recover!!
That letter to the P2EP was crappy, and so was the one to DYKES.
P2EP wants to get fucked and will get fucked. Her husband needs to fuck her, invite a third, allow her permission to sleep with others AND WHY DIDN'T YOU QUESTION WHY SHE'S MARRIED AT 23??? 23 is WAY TOO YOUNG to miss out on sex! Jeez. Fail, Mr. Savage. Fail.
Don't you have some tech-savvy-at-risk youth to do your bitchwork like typing for you? Or some speech recognition software? come on now.
"If I could afford to leave him without worrying about leaving school and moving back in with my mom on her po-dunk farm, I'd leave him in a heartbeat. "
Your main motivation for staying with your husband is the money. You can try and do revisionist history in other posts, but you're the worst type of person. You admit, up front, what you're all about because you're so callous that you don't realize how wrong you are. Then, when everyone calls you out on your bullshit, you try to pretend that's not what you *really* said. Try to fix it or break up with him.
Yeah, yeah. If your partner wants more sex, and it is just not your thing, no sweat. Give the partner permission to have another sexual partner(s) on the side, without any complaint by you. You both win! You get your affection, they get their sex. To paraphrase Mr. Savage, if sex is just not that important to you, but it is to your partner, surely you will not mind your partner doing that unimportant thing with someone else, right? I mean, your lack of interest and refusal to simply take a few minutes of your time to get off your more interested partner, could never be about, oh, CONTROLLING them, could it? Oh no, never that...
DWDMN,
You said, "If I could afford to leave him without worrying about leaving school and moving back in with my mom on her po-dunk farm, I'd leave him in a heartbeat."
Um, perhaps whore is a bit strong. But you are a pretty unappealling person for staying in this situation without telling him what is going on. People like you are toxic. You are the stuff the relationship horror stories are made of.
"What do I do about this?" Move back in with your mom. Get some lousy jobs. Pay your own bills. Let this guy move on, and move on yourself. But you knew that was the right thing to do, you are just hoping people will say, "Oh, you poor wounded bird of life, do what you must to survive! Fly free, song bird, fly free!!!!"
You should get honest with him. And get out. Good luck. I understand that just because it is simply stated, that does not make it easy. Welcome to life.
What makes you think that person would get their affection if they let their partner have sex with someone else? Wouldn't a more sensible parallel suggestion be to say that the person who craves more affection than they're getting can go find THAT from someone else? Oh, but then if one person is getting their emotional needs met outside the relationship, and another is getting their sexual needs met outside the relationship, it kind of ceases to be a relationship, doesn't it?
Bottom line is the one who wants sex ouside a relationship but still wants to stay in that relationship, is emotionally satisfied. But the other person may not be, and that may even be part of the reason why they are not wanting to have more sex. Stuff gets tricky when two people who aren't terribly compatible get deeply attached to each other.
Oh also, this idea of looking for sex outside of relationship is also interesting because a lot of men AND women can't have sex without getting emotionally attached. I imagine a lot of people just don't have it together enough to make a scenario like that work out for long.
I find Advil or Aleve also helps the healing process.
It sounds like you and your husband are not compatible anymore. At the very least, tell him how you're feeling and move out of the bedroom. Tell him it isn't working and ask him for a month to find a job and move out. You've been together quite awhile, and it sounds like you don't have much family around. If he's a decent guy, he'll give you a month to get a job and find a place to live. Worst case scenerio, you get a couple of crap jobs and have to take out loans for school and live on an air mattress on the floor of a tiny apartment. People have survived worse. Stop being a princess and start taking care of yourself. It's about personal responsibility. This guy is your husband, not your parent. He isn't obligated to take care of you and love you unconditionally.
Divorce is hard, and yes, you might be making a mistake, but if you aren't happy you really need to think: Is this how you want to live for the rest of your life? My guess is no. It isn't 1950 anymore, and you don't have kids with him. You sound relatively young. You'll be OK, and you'll find someone else. Time to step up and be an adult, princess.
Because relatively few letters show up complaining "(s)he doesn't hold my hand enough, tell me (s)he loves me enough, or cuddle enough." At least not relative to the number of "(s)he won't have sex with me" letters. That is because most people *will* without too much griping hold hands more often, tell people they love them more often and cuddle on the couch while watching television. If someone's partner told them that holding hands, saying I love you or cuddling was too much of an imposition, then it is a DTMFA situation, most likely.
But get real, okay: most partners will provide additional hand holding, cuddling, etc. when asked and without much complaint.
By contrast, however, too many low sex drive people seem to not want to similarly provide sexual release for their higher-drive partners, despite the fact that the partners would be really, really happy as a result. Rather, they put it back on the partners for being high sex drive and too demanding.
Given how much fun it is (or should be, in a healthy relationship) to watch a partner have an orgasm and get that stupid post-coital grin on their face, what would people rather do with their free time than take those few minutes to make their partner happy? Seriously. What is so important that you cannot take a few minutes to do that?
The low sex drive folks seem to think that doing such things for their partners is a burden, not a loving gesture to an important partner. That strikes me as someone who is using their partner's normal sex drive in a passive aggressive way.
Poly is only the answer when both partners are accepting of poly. The fact it solves one of the partners issues is not relevant.
I am also a lesbian into kink - I want to be tied up and dominated. After a very satisfying session with the new girlfriend who EXCELS at dominating, we had a conversation on why it's not demeaning for me to be fucked in my mouth by her because I wanted it. And she wanted it. And that makes it okay :D
Have I been judged by others for my kink? Yes. But, I'm also 30 and I don't care anymore. Fuck me in the ass, the mouth, and any other hole I deem necessary at the time. I am still a dyke!
Power to the kinky lesbians!
I just want to let you know that there are women out there that can satisfy your needs. My girl "pegs" me anytime, every time. I think Dan is right, it's about being open and honest about your needs and desires upfront. If someone doesn't want to be with you after finding out what you like, then they've done you the favor by breaking it off, cause you don't want to be with someone that won't meet your needs and desires.
Good luck!
I think saying P2EP's husband is lazy, selfish and inconsiderate isn't entirely fair- we aren't getting both sides of the story, and it sounds like he's willing to try, he just isn't able to satisfy her for whatever reason. The situation could be very hard on him as well, and until we get his side just blaming him is too simplistic.
If he's particularly vanilla, I doubt any amount of trying would make him comfortable with kinks. I know a decent amount about BDSM and certainly know enough to know I couldn't satisfy a partner into it no matter how hard I tried.
She shouldn't have to go through life unsatisfied, but he also shouldn't be demonized for not being as into sex/kink as his wife.
"Unfortunately, it's become really politically incorrect in certain lesbian circles to enjoy strap-ons or BDSM because it's reminiscent of "patriarchy" and popular feminism is on the warpath against kink at the moment. Leaves a lot of unhappy, horny lesbians in its wake. "
Do 24yos actually believe in the patriarchy? I have read about women who don't do penetration for that reason, but I've never met one, and I'm a lot older than 24. And a feminist.
"Pain Free at Your PC" by Pete Egoscue
http://www.amazon.com/Pain-Free-at-Your-…
I've a friend who is a technical writer and suffered severe pain for two years, had to take a leave from work--was worried about her future employment. She had a whole series of different types of treatments. But she said after doing the simple exercises in this book her pain was gone totally gone two weeks. This author has a series of books dealing with pain and coincidentally,totally unrelated to one another, I've had other friends mention fantastic results.
Just passing the word along, as I've not the personal experience with this.But my writer friend is pretty damn bright (and left wing atheist), but talks like a miracle happened or something--she is so astounded. Might be worth a try for 9 bucks and doing some at simple stetch/alignment exercises you can do at home.
@9 (DWDMN): What you're doing IS unethical if you're misleading your husband into thinking you love him when you don't. However, it would be even more unethical to implicitly agree to monogamy in exchange for financial support (among other things) and then not honor that commitment. If you want the support, you need to live up to your end of the deal, though this isn't the healthiest option. Your best course here is to divorce your husband (with whom you should not have entered into a monogamous marriage given that your sex drive is much higher; too late now) and find someone or several someones with whom you're sexually compatible to fuck, date, and potentially marry and reproduce. You probably want to find a job before you leave, but you should stop taking his money for college; you can always take a few semesters off while you get the rest of your life together. Anyway, I agree that you qualify as a prostitute, but then I don't think sex work is "wrong" in any sense as long as you're up-front, and you should ignore everyone who says "you're the worst kind of person" etc. because, as I stated above, your situation is still extremely common. Our divorce rate here in the States is above 50% for a reason; your extreme detractors have an unrealistic idea of what marriage is and historically has been for the majority of people the world over.
On the other hand, many people manage to get along just fine without relying on others for all, the majority, or even any of their sexual needs/fulfillment; that's why god invented masturbation. If you can manage, and you want to stay in your marriage for whatever reason, buy yourself a good vibrator (of course if you want kids and he doesn't, that could well be a deal breaker). The question you need to ask is whether it's worth going the rest of your (or his) life without the partnered sexual fulfillment you desire.
@29: There's no double-standard; the husband wants to not have sex, and DWDMN isn't forcing him to do so. He's perfectly free to not have sex if she's having sex with other people; THE SEX THAT SHE'S HAVING DOESN'T HAVE TO BE WITH HER HUSBAND. The fact that people with low sex-drives expect to be able to meet their low-sex-drive needs AND prevent higher-sex-drive partners from meeting their own sexual needs is what makes them inconsiderate. If you have a low sex-drive and want a monogamous relationship, date and marry other people with low sex drives; don't use emotional abuse to coerce people with high sex-drives to not fuck as much as they want. It was wrong of your partners to coerce you to have sex you didn't want to be having; it's just as wrong to coerce a partner to not have sex s/he does want. The problem here is the presumption of monogamy.
"I wasn't getting my needs met--my needs for physical affection and closeness that didn't involve sex". This is what friends are for; if you want affection without sex, DON'T ENGAGE IN (exclusive) SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS; especially don't pretend that you WANT a sexual relationship when you don't. Cultivate a group of close friends instead.
@39: I agree that emotional needs are at least as important as sexual needs for one to live a happy life. It is, however, a gross misconception to think that we can only meet our needs in either of these areas in partnered, exclusive sexual relationships. It's quite possible to live a happy life by meeting emotional needs through friends and sexual needs through one or several spouse(s), fuck-buddy(ies), partner(s), etc. There's no particular reason that the same person or people NEED to fulfill both of these simultaneously, although logistically, it tends to be easier.
I always remember the line from lesbian comedian Lea DeLaria:
"It's not that I don't like penises. I just don't like them on men."
So if you want to get pegged, go for it!
I'm just such a woman -- bisexual, feminine, beautiful, young, and into bondage and biting. We're out there. Good luck!
You can make it out to be about his selfishness or his unwillingness to communicate or whatever but at the end of the day, if you divorce a guy for being unenthusiastic about tying you up, you're choosing a kink over your husband. And there is the option to make a sacrifice and choose your husband over your kink. After all, he does tie you up, he just doesn't get excited by it. And judging him for being too quick is just as bad as when men judge women for "taking too long." If his human cock tires too soon, hand him a dildo and tell him to finish you off that way.
Also, thanks to the commenters for all the supplemental advice given in the comments. Something which Dan had to edit out of my letter for space is that I'm more than happy taking on the dominant role sometimes, but I'm primarily submissive. But hey, I'm flexible.
And of course I believe in the patriarchy. But I also believe that, as an young woman, I shouldn't let concerns over the admittedly sad state of gender relations in this country make me afraid to pursue my sexual desires/needs. Isn't that, after all, just allowing yourself to be subjected to patriarchal norms? What could be more feminist than claiming the right to enjoy taking it up the ass without having a man involved?
I promise I'm not shilling, or anything, but as someone who just came down with repetitive strain, you might find using Workrave helps - open source thing that sits on the PC and reminds you to take a break from using the keyboard. workrave.org links through to it.
(If I'm honest, I mostly ignore it, but at least it's a reminder I shouldn't type for six hours solid)
Another dyke here. Most of my queer women friends are kinky, so I wonder where the hell you're living that you're having a hard time finding another kinky woman.
Did you bring up how hot you were at the beginning of your email to demonstrate that it should be easy for you to find dates, or that you're picky about them? From what I've found, kinky dykes tend to fall into the "alternative" category, and not everyone is going to be fit like you.
Don't overlook your fellow femmes as sex partners! I find a femme, most other femmes prefer butch/androgynous/gender-queer or some other iteration of queer masculinity in their partners. Gender and sexual identity doesn't correlate to sexual preferences - basically butch does not equal top. Femme cock may be your way to go.
Oh, and I say this all as one hot (and curvy) femme dyke who would tie you up, slap you around, and fuck your ass in a moments notice.
We're out here!
For the keyboard issues, speech-to-text software sounds like a good solution. Aren't you the editor of The Stranger? So you prolly have an office, and can shut the door as you "write."
My ex at one point went to using voice activated software when his carpal tunnel got too bad. That's my busybody 2 cents worth.
Get better, If you need to take a break from blogging, or need to get someone to pay for someone to transcribe tapes to blog & column you have my support (for what it's worth).
Health
It seems that you stress looking "hot" a lot, both on your end and on your partners. I do think that being attracted to your partner or potential partner is important, and everyone has standards and/or a type when it comes to looks, but it seems to me that since you are so "vain" and in your own eyes so very good looking, you may be shooting yourself in the foot by focusing too much on looks, and you may not be considering a lot of people because in your own mind you are so hot that only someone equally perfect will do you justice. An older male friend of mine was lamenting the fact hat while he loves his much younger (almost 20 years) girlfriend and is glad he can land young hotties, he wishes that he could find an older woman who is just as "hot" because he could have more relatable conversations and a more mature partner.
I think if you got to know a person who may not immediately strike you as the pinnacle of hot-ness, you may find that they begin to look more and more beautiful to you as you see who they really are, especially if they are willing to fuck you in the ass all kinky-like.
However, I don't think the harshness leveled at you should be considered undeserved. The guy developed a medical condition and now you want out. You wrote you'd leave your drained husband in a heartbeat if it just wouldn't inconvenience you so much. Apparently, that is who you are.
Remember that one time when you pledged eternal love and fidelity to each other, in sickness and in health?
Look, marriages fail. The problem here is that you don't get to decide your husband doesn't love you and perhaps never did, just so that you can feel good about leaving him under these circumstances. If you want or need out, fine, but the way you're justifying it here makes you look like a self-serving bitch.
I acknowledge that you did write that you don't have kids together, but after seven years, you might also want to consider breaking up with your step-daughter amicably.
I've been on both sides of that relationship divide. When I was the high-sex partner, I felt constantly rejected by my girlfriend, who would apparently rather watch TV than be with me. After all, when you reject your partner's advances, you're effectively telling them "I'd rather do what I'm currently doing than have sex with you." Being continuously informed that you rank below some goddamn sitcom rerun does not build positive self-esteem.
Now that I'm the low-sex partner (in a different relationship), I try to make sure my girlfriend does not ever feel that way. So even on days that I'm tired, stressed, distracted, whatever, I just use my hands, mouth, etc. to get her off. And sometimes, I discover I now *am* in the mood, and my dick joins the party. Either way, she's taken care of.
I look at it this way: I'm willing to rub her back if she tells me her back is sore. Why shouldn't I be willing to rub her clit if she tells me she needs an orgasm?
I know my parts didn't dry up at 30 :S
Find a sex-poz therapist before you throw everything at the wall and hope something sticks.
Maybe he's already cheating on her with a more nubile, younger slut, how do we know? And apparently, we are not supposed to care.
You should really stop encouraging people to cheat. Maybe you should let your boyfriend do the writing when these "give me permission to cheat" letters come around.
And frankly, some real advice from an older person who happens to have married someone "way too young" for me....grow up, dumbass! I don't hear him saying anything about me being "old", "past my sexual prime", or any of the other nasty implications nubile slut is making....although I do hear him complaining that I should slow down and let him catch up once in a while....(he's laughing as I write this, cuz he knows it's true). Sex drive has nothing to do with age...I unfortunately know that my parents were having sex well into their sixties, when he finally died (I can only assume of extreme happiness). My mother's husband was fifteen years older than her.
Maybe you're just not that attractive to him. With an attitude like that, I can't see you being very attractive to anyone in a relationship. (hubby is nodding enthusiastically)
I used to appreciate the advice in this column...now it's just you telling a bunch of people they should cheat on their wives, girlfriends, husbands... it makes me wonder if you're not just using this as a way to justify your own desire to cheat.
Not everyone feels the same way.
Nice use of the passive voice there. But it isn't some almighty, impersonal force preventing you from eating "ice cream"; it's your allegedly loving spouse. And eating ice cream does not have any impact on your child's secure world, but your spouse's reaction to that consumption may.
If one spouse really really likes ice cream, and the other spouse doesn't care for it, then the decent thing for the ice-cream hating spouse to do is let his or her partner find other people to eat ice cream with.
Let me guess: ice cream is trivial and sexual monogamy is really really important? Then don't trivialize a high sex drive by comparing it to eating ice cream. That metaphor cuts both ways.
Also...35 is suddenly old? You lose your sex drive? Christ, my boyfriend is 4 years away from 35. NOOOO. I really think all this "sexual prime" stuff is bullshit, unless you're 80.
@29, I agree, it does suck being the person who doesn't want to perform. Though I don't have a low sex drive, there were/are times when the last thing I want to do is give my bf a blowjob, due to depression, fatigue, stress. I usually suck it up and get him off, but there have been a few times I've said no. I feel guilty, but I'm not quite sure the guilt should be there...
@21, hahahah!
Keep up the AMAZING work :)
But get real, okay: most partners will provide additional hand holding, cuddling, etc. when asked and without much complaint."
Umm, yeah. This is a sex column. And also, on one level you're wrong, because a lot of people DO have trouble getting the affection they want from their partner. If you have to ask for it EVERY time, instead of it being voluntary, it doesn't help much. My mother I know feels this way.
"By contrast, however, too many low sex drive people seem to not want to similarly provide sexual release for their higher-drive partners, despite the fact that the partners would be really, really happy as a result. Rather, they put it back on the partners for being high sex drive and too demanding.
Given how much fun it is (or should be, in a healthy relationship) to watch a partner have an orgasm and get that stupid post-coital grin on their face, what would people rather do with their free time than take those few minutes to make their partner happy? Seriously. What is so important that you cannot take a few minutes to do that? "
You speak as though someone who has never been pressured into doing something that made you uncomfortable, sexually. Overall, giving someone a hug because you felt pressured does not have the same negative psychological ramifications as having sex because you felt pressured. That may be in part because of how much importance and weird values our culture attaches to sex, but none of us are living outside of that. For some people, having sex when they're not feeling enthusiastic can make them feel really cheap -having a partner who'd WANT that can make them feel really cheap and underappreciated. Different people have different ideas of what an ideal sexual relationship should look like.
I have a high sex drive, but I also don't feel awful when I have to go without it for extended periods, because I was never raised to believe that I should expect or deserve sex whenever I want it. Your body craves sex the way it craves food, but you don't physically suffer without sex the way you suffer without food.
And if I'm simply going to be a pragmatist, all of the people who are sexually unsatisfied could leave their partners and go look for someone else, and A) not all of them would manage to find someone they were more sexually compatible with and B) the ones that did may find themselves less emotionally satisfied than they were in their previous relationship.
It's the one-size-fits-all answers that bother me, and IMO make this column not a whole lot more intelligent than Cosmo
"The low sex drive folks seem to think that doing such things for their partners is a burden, not a loving gesture to an important partner. That strikes me as someone who is using their partner's normal sex drive in a passive aggressive way. "
There is no "normal" sex drive. It varies widely from individual to individual. Second of all, I don't follow your logic in the least. Sex is better when both people want it. If only one person wants it, then the other person forcing themselves to put out can breed resentment over time, in either partners. (I for one can say that when I had sex with a guy and then later was given reason to suspect that wasn't really what he wanted, I felt deeply embarassed and hurt.) Again, this comes down to different people holding different ideals when it comes to the interactions of emotions and sex in sexual relationships.
I mean, you gotta save yourself for the beating off, right?
I'd advise you to splurge for the Professional version, though. Not only will it allow you to create macros and scripts to automate repetitive tasks, but you're going to need to do some create scripting to get Dragon to adapt to your particular professional vocabulary.
Out of the box, Dragon doesn't acknowledge naughty words. How puritan.
Oh fuck off, masturbation is not a sin and kittens are killed for other reasons by people.... NOT BY MASTURBATION. Don't be a dumbass... seriously. That really peeved me off.
Do you happen to go to a small, prestigious liberal arts college in a lovely little town called Oberlin?
Whether you do or not, I know that as a straight girl here at a Small Prestigious Liberal Arts School, romantic or sexual play outside of hooking up or being in a serious long-term relationship can be really difficult. I can and have been relatively forward, but it's also not really reasonable to assume that anyone at my college is straight; hence, I tend to not make a move unless there's some signal that it's a wanted move. Not sure that helps, but perhaps it's nice to know that kinky straight girls in college do exist - it just might take some looking, and some talking.