Savage Love

Curious Business

Comments

1
for God's sake stop calling my cunt "innards."
2
Awesome as always, Dan!
3
Excellent advice (as usual), might I suggest FWD consider a professional? She'll know exactly what he wants and why. Not to mention he'll not need to worry about any aftermath.
4
good advice for FWD. The co-worker seems only destined for tragedy.
6
"lady innards" and "gay outards"?? I'm trying to decide if these are fatally twee or just amusing....I'll go with amusing
7
i don't really understand the answer to letter #1. lie about what you want, why you want it, and blame it on someone else (the gayer man) if it doesn't go well? i'm not being snarky; i really feel like i missed something here.
8
@1 Actually TC called HER cunt innards, we don't know anything about your cunt.
9
Man... how different would the world be if people could just honestly TALK to each other about important things like sex and sexual fantasies?

But no, fucking puritanism still casts its backward shadow even today, among people who despise puritan/victorian "wholesomeness."

Please wake me if religion EVER loosens its iron grip on sex.

And yes, I know there was no mention of religion in any questions to Dan, but come on... where does this sexual trepidation come from if not from The Holy Word?

10
I don't care what folks above the age of consent do with each other, its a free country.

But what I worry about is a woman finding out she has aids from her supposed monogamous boyfriend. Strait folks get aids from slamming needles in their arms and deception.

Honesty ain't what it used to be and Dan is showing his bias this time.
11
I'm sick and exhausted and the first question and answer far exceeds my current reading comprehension. Seems pretty goddamn funny though. Great work as always. "Lady innards", ha!
12
Dan, I'm surprised you'd advise HH's "mate" to blame his girlfriend for his bisexual desires as punishment for her agreement to a m-m-f threesome that he wanted in the first place. You usually advocate *against* guilt tripping one's partner in favour of honesty. And just because the girlfriend (potentially) has reservations about her man hooking up with another man without her, does it really mean she deserves to be manipulated and lied to?
13
I think the first answer is shite. I think Mr Bi Man should just fess up and get it over with, with his g/f. If she freaks out, and this dude doesn't get to get it on with his "mate", that's how the cookie crumbles.

And WTF is it with people who get it on with each other - get into a relationship! - and don't even give a basic run-down of their sexual history. Actually, if I was the chick, I'd be severely tempted to dump his ass for lying by omission (and being queer, I certainly don't care about the same-sex screwing). I realise it's harder to come out for bi men, but with attitudes like these, no wonder many bi people grizzle about their "invisibility".
14
I can usually appreciate the logic in not always laying 100% out there on the first try, but the answer to the first letter goes over the line in it's advised dishonesty and shitbaggery.

You have exactly zero information that she'll react badly to the idea of her boyfriend being bi, and yet you're advising him to pretend to "discover" bisexuality and then blame her for this if she doesn't like it! Frankly, if this girl has even half a brain on her she'll figure out she's being manipulated pretty quickly and DTMFA, and with good reason.

At the most the guy could pretend to not be 100% bi-identified and, when asked about m-m contact, say that he's not sure but admit he's curious. Quite frankly though I think that if the girl is up for a threesome she's pretty unlikely to be the type of person to freak out about her boyfriend being bi.
15
Did I miss something in the Mormon uncle letter? Is the uncle making some kind of a pass? It just sounded like homophobia to me.
16
what the hell is all this crap about being bisexual and that giving one the right to fuck aorund?? if you are in a monogamous relationship there is NO ROOM FOR FUCKING WITH OTHER PEOPLE, even if you are bisexual. JODER, it's tiring to read this shit over and over again.....
very good advice to the other letters, specially to UNCLE... he should def let the family knwo and avoid the creepy mormom.
17
Dan, if someone wrote to you after doing exactly what you told HH to do, you'd probably be on his ass in .03 seconds calling him a manipulative little shit, if your previous columns indicate anything. What's different / acceptable about lying and fobbing off the blame in this particular situation?

12 and 14 say the rest for me.
18
Also, while I agree with Dan that UNCLE should tell his parents about the harassment, I wouldn't be as quick to jump to the conclusion that the guy's uncle wants to bang him. It could just as easily be a case of old-fashioned homophobia.
19
I usually agree with Dan, but today I found his suggest to HH manipulative and dishonest. I actually asked myself "what?! Is he serious?" while reading. HH's mate KNOWS he's bisexual already - at least, according to HH - so, you know, he could just find a girlfriend who's ok with that? Or give his current girlfriend the opportunity to be ok with it, plus the honesty she deserves. (No really Dan, were you serious? I don't get it.)

The answer to UNCLE, on the other hand, is spot-on. What a creep. UNCLE should never be in a room alone with that guy, and yeah, he should tell his parents ASAP.

20
agh - "suggestion for", not "suggest to".
21
Hey Dan the man - how are things in your life? The last time you went against your admirable code of honesty the way you did in the answers to questions 1 & 2, you were having a rough time in the "real world." Love you. Be well.
22
I found the penis bumping part of DP to be a huge turn off (and I'm bi so it isn't a homophobic thing). Honestly, it's going to take a lot of time, if ever, for Mr. Shy Guy to admit being curious and/or do something about it. If she really wants to push him, she's going to have to set up the three way.

Also, #1, that was a great way to start off the comments.
23
I always thought Dan Savage was a proponent of sexual honesty. I guess I was wrong since he's sanctioning lying to girlfriend about what is going on and then blaming her for the boyfriend becoming what he already is. That is really quite despicable. Does the bi-boyfriend practice safe same-sex sex? Even if he isn't promiscuous, he still is, by definition, a CPOS.
I think she may react more strongly to his being a CPOS than his being bi.
24
Did Dan really write the response to HH? It seems so out of character.
25
Whilst I'm not keen on people lying there are some fairly good reasons why bi men would do so due to the stereotype that bi men are promiscuous gay loving unreliable kinky sods.

A sizeable proportion of women are immature, ignorant and uncaring saddled with ingrained societal expectations and gender roles. The net effect of this is, if you're a bi man and prefer women your selection of partners is limited. It may be a bit easier if you're poly and/or kinky.

I'm sure many would say that hiding your sexuality and not being able to be truly accepted is wrong (and you'd be correct) - but it's not helping you get laid in the meantime.

Supposedly intelligent and mature women will turn you down flat even though they'll admit there is no rational reason to do so. In the height of hypocrisy, even some bi women will do the same thing.

It's yet another case of I'm Alright Jack. Why bother dating a bi man when there are other 'straight' men? Why be honest about your sexuality when other idiots can blaze the trail for acceptance and suffer the problems?

In my specific case, there are other factors that cut down the dating pool I'm prepared to approach, but bisexuality is yet another factor that may be considered out of all proportion to its actual material impact on a relationship.
26
Worst advice ever to HH. Unbelievble.
27
@15 &@18

The telling thing is that the Mormon uncle only does this when they are alone. If the guy feels his homophobia strongly enough to call his questioning nephew "faggot" and it's not a prelude for something more intimate, he'd be bigoted enough to see nothing wrong with addressing his nephew thus when not in private.

Since he only calls his nephew "faggot" when they're alone together, it's a creepy power game no matter what else.
28
What Tal@27 said.

And while Dan's plan for HH would probably work, it does seem out of character for the strongest proponent of open honesty in the advice world.
29
Just a question for the females out there, wondering what the general opinion is of the DP situation described by Threesome Curious. Is this something that women commonly want? Is you've done it, is it intensely pleasurable? Weird? Hot? Painful? Depraved, like something that you'd only do if intixocated and then regret the next day? How much does the implicit "these guys are being gay with each other, however tacitly" dynamic come into play? Obviously, there's going to be a range of sexual attitudes amongst the readers, I'm just curious what a non-scientific, quick survey would reveal.
30
While the first paragraph written to HH is fine, the second is terrible. If the threesome is a bust, you're going to leave this girl thinking that she's turned her boyfriend bi by taking part in a mmf threesome with him. we all know that's not how bi guys are created. why would you want to perpetuate such disinformation.
31
Regarding the M-M-F DP threesome that Threesome Curious describes, I'm wondering what the females in the audience think about it. Is this something repellant to you? Hot? Something you think is depraved, that you'd only do if really intoxicated and then likely regret the day after? If you've done it, is it intensely pleasurable? Weird? Painful? Awkward? How much does the whole implicit "these guys are being gay with each other, however tacitly" thing come into play? I understand that there are a lot of different sexual attitudes and experiences out there, just curoius about what a general, unscientific survey might reveal.
32
@29: It's my top fantasy. Bar *none.* The implicit gayness is a huge turn-on. Frankly, sometimes I think I'm a gay man trapped in a woman's body.
33
Why is it that every time a person writes in with a kink they want to indulge, but which their partner is uncomfortable with, Dan advises cheating? It seems to me that there are two competing goods here, a person’s desire to stay faithful and a person’s desire to indulge the kink. But it is like Dan is totally blind to the goods and benefits associated with being faithful and chooses to focus solely on sexual satisfaction at the expense of a person’s integrity. I have nothing against indulging a kink but if your partner isn’t game you don’t get to just ignore that person’s desires and boundaries by cheating. Having respect for another person means being honest and if that is making achieving your more fundamental desires impossible then having respect for another person means breaking up with them. A person who purports to give advise about love but can’t see the value of respect and integrity is a terrible source for advice!
34
Why is it that every time a person writes in with a kink they want to indulge, but which their partner is uncomfortable with, Dan advises cheating? It seems to me that there are two competing goods here, a person’s desire to stay faithful and a person’s desire to indulge the kink. But it is like Dan is totally blind to the goods and benefits associated with being faithful and chooses to focus solely on sexual satisfaction at the expense of a person’s integrity. I have nothing against indulging a kink but if your partner isn’t game you don’t get to just ignore that person’s desires and boundaries by cheating. Having respect for another person means being honest and if that is making achieving your more fundamental desires impossible then having respect for another person means breaking up with them. A person who purports to give advise about love but can’t see the value of respect and integrity is a terrible source for advice!
35
Yes, HH's mate should come out to his gf, but I'd give it 80% chance she'll freak. Unfortunately there is a 99% chance she'll freak if she finds out after the fact, assuming she falls for that cockamame plan.

regarding TC: based on all the DP porn I've seen, shy-guy needs to worry more about balls touching. There's not much room between the pussy & the asshole, & when they start banging it is inevitable their balls will collide. That's what makes it hot for me :)
36
To each their own, but I'd rather just be one on one with only another person. Just too much potential drama and this that and the other thing. Someone always winds up getting less attention and it becomes a whole thing.. A tasty thing in theory; in reality maybe too much of a good thing.. If all are for it, then so be it. Sure. ;-D
37
For anyone curious about M-M-F threeways but not interested in actually doing the deed, I recommend the film "The Devil in Miss Jones" starring Georgina Spelvin. The film has an eerie but compelling atmosphere and an ending straight out of Sartre. The lead actress is prolific, flexible and insatiable in her sexual appetite. The threeway scene is entertaining and some may even find it arousing once you get past the "Can you feel him feeling you feeling me feeling him feeling me feeling you feeling him?" dialogue. At least it will give you an idea of the mechanics in store if you decide to go for it.
38
i can see why women won't bother dating #25, given that he thinks a "sizeable portion" of them are immature and "saddled with ingrained social expectations". I'm sick to death of hearing whiny men go on about how terrible "most"women are in th same breath as how they'd otherwise like to date women. with a misogynist attitude like that, its a shocker that mature, intelligent and un-societially saddled women ( you know, the minority) aren't lining up.

also i always wondered about the balls thing, #35
39
The advice to HH is hilarious. I can't help imagining the parts of the bi males played by Lucy and Ethel, and the clueless girlfriend by Ricky. In the end, someone's gonna have to esplain the whole harebrained scheme.
40
Just read the first letter, and can't see why it's nice, decent, ennobling, humane, or even just okay to manipulate the gf this way. Why not just out with it, honestly? And if she's not into it, then make the call - take her (heh heh) the way she is, or find someone who's into what you're into.

This is the same prob I have with Mr. S. on the sex-witholding spouse/partner. Why is that a "mandate to cheat"? Why isn't it a mandate to either fix the situation or leave?

If sex is for grownups, why does this column so often advocate acting like middle-schoolers?

Own it, folks. Stop the manipulation and tricks.
41
@thunda71 well, personally I like the idea, at least in theory. I've never tried it but if I were to I'd MUCH prefer it if both men were openly bi. I think m-m action is pretty hot and in the context of a threesome I also like the idea that the experience is shared by everyone, without me having to be the exclusive orifice/pleasure provider.

However asking that here would probably be like asking about the missionary position in the AFA forums; you're likely to get a pretty skewed sample.
42
This is one of the hottest columns I've read in a while... Well, except for the letter about the uncle, that's just creepy. But otherwise... Thanks Dan!!
43
These pieces of advice are kind of...what's the word...um...silly.

1 & 2 - there's something slightly offensive about this idea that getting in a MMW threesome will cause a revelation that someone is bi. Sexual orientation is more complicated than that (of course) and people don't just 'wake up' to bisexuality just like they don't 'wake up' to homosexuality. Doing it might even drive a bisexual man further into the closet.

3- this assumption that any person who gay-bashes another is a 'fag in waiting' is silly. I don't know what personal experiences paint this, whether real or fantasy, but most often, just like your parents were wrong when they said "people who bully you are intiminated by you" those people who call you 'faggot' do NOT want to sleep with you.

Thinking in a sinister manner, it's quite evil and sadistic of the uncle. I could do much more psychologcial damage to a person tormenting them in private than lambasting them in public. That's not self-hate, that's just devious...

4 - Uhm, no. Whereas I would be all about a threesome with two guys, no one this side of reality would ever convince me to do a 3some involving a woman. No. Sorry. No. No offense to women; love plenty of them. However, I am not sexually stimulated by a woman, and frankly being in a sexual situation with a woman would kill any erection I had.

Sorry, I've been in a room with an actual childbirth. Any sexual feelings I might have had for the fairer sex died as that little purple thing pushed its way out of the vagina. *shudders*
44
Surprised about your answer to #1, Dan! The girlfriend hasn't displayed any evidence of being sex-negative... why does she deserve to be lied to and guilt tripped?
45
If you can't even be honest with your partner about important things like your sexuality, what point is there in continuing the relationship? I expect better from you, Dan.

And as far as the uncle goes, I've had an aunt be a bitch to me for years, publicly and in private. She doesn't want to get on me (which is a relief, as she's really fat), she's just a bitch. It's quite possible that the uncle is just an asshole. I'd still advocate telling the parents, because that's unacceptable behavior, but now the kid's going to be even more creeped out and probably jumping at shadows.
46
re: thunda71, MMF situations (including but not limited to DP) are all I've thought about lately whilst masturbating, never tried but it sounds so damn hot! No matter how tentatively, if the guys were ok with exploring each other physically (aside from the obvious ball-slapping), it would make it even hotter!!! But honestly I think the configuration that comes to mind most often involves me wearing a strap-on and one of the guys getting the DP. How I wish I weren't at work right now, Dan's column has gotten me all distracted.
47
@ 38 : Sally

I didn't say 'most' - I said 'a sizeable proportion'. A not entirely scientific poll I saw recently put the numbers of women rejecting bi men at 40% (obviously, that's before other criteria for rejecting them than bisexuality are examined).

Try dating where you're continually rejected for a reason that has no logical basis and not come off as 'whiny'. I don't hate women : I merely hate ignorance and immaturity.

Once all the arguments have been rebutted and no counter argument found, all that is left is irrationality.

Offer a better response than them, that doesn't boil down to a refusal to examine their own prejudices and social upbringing. Arguments that they couldn't go to bed with a man who has been with another man speak more about their own hangups than the man in question..

As daters, sexual partners and basically as a human being, every adult has the responsibility to examine their own prejudices and work on them. A blanket refusal to examine this is immature and detrimental to society.

I have no problems being rejected for looks, attitudes, income or logical dating requirements. Where it crosses the line is when someone (anyone) rejects another for a reason that has no impact on the potential relationship.

Male bisexuality is only one of these reasons, but is obviously the relevant one in this instance of Savage Love.
48
@29 - I've done it, and it's *very* hot. What I had was a DP with both guys in the vagina. Yeah, yeah, it was quite a "stretch", but by that time I was so worked up, everything was very slippery, and with some effort, we got 'em both in. It wasn't painful, but it was uncomfortable and shocking in the holy-crap-I'm going-to-split-open sense. The excitement overcame the initial discomfort - not just the excitement of having two men inside me, but knowing that their cocks were sliding against each other. They both seemed to find it intensely arousing as well, as neither of them lasted long and both of them usually do, solo. The really sweet part, the part that makes the memory so nice, is that I found out afterward that as the climax built, the two of them had reached their arms around me and were holding on to each other. Awww. One of them was bi and the other was bi-curious. So yeah, not just having the attention and penetration of two men at once, but their shared intimacy was also a big part of the enjoyment for me. Being a conduit for them to have sexual contact that they would not have experienced by themselves (the two of them together, without me) made me feel really good.
I've only tried anal-vaginal DP with a cock and a dildo, and it was nice, too, but for me, it seems best if one of the two penetrating objects is significantly smaller than the other.
49
For years I have been telling my wife that I would like a F-F-M threesome, which is of course the biggest straight male fantasy, and she has always said that maybe, someday, if she could find the right girl, then okay. For years, I have waited patiently, reminding her once and a while how hot it would be to see her with another woman and so on. Last year, she came to me with a scenario of a M-M-F threesome, and how hot she thought it would be, giving me all the same reasons that I gave her for a F-F-M threesome. After much discussion, I told her that I didn't think it would be such a great idea, mainly because if I could endure being with another man and have it enjoyable, then I wouldn't need her there. After all, in a homosexual marriage, there is no woman there to say "No" to sex all the time, so it should pretty much be a free-for-all, all the time.

After all, isn't a threesome where all three people interact sexually? Otherwise it is just two people pleasuring a third, regardless of whether they are male or female, sort of like a small gangbang. HH seems like a threesome, TC seems like a gangbang.
50
@1- Did you take a journalism class with me at SCCC in 1989? If that's you I'd like to reconnect with you
51
@ 49- You missed a great opportunity to cut a deal with your wife: she can have her two men, you can have your two women.

Your "logic" behind all this tells me you're a not-so-smart, selfish guy
52
The first was a little too manipulative and dishonest, lots of drama actually and kind of not fair.
53
HA...innards!!! thats the best name for it!

sound advice to all involved,i think. :)
54
@49 I'm going to be generous and assume that being confronted with the idea of getting sexual with another man made you realize why your wife didn't want to be sexual with another woman.

I hope that's what you mean, because if you're really saying that there is something objectively different about a MMF than a FFM you are engaging in some pretty creative wishful thinking and rationalization.
55
@54, well said. I think you are on to something there, whether the OP realizes it or not.
56
Wow, what do I say?

UNCLE...tell your parents. Make a point of avoiding your uncle at all costs. I do not know if he would sexually assault you but I don't care. If he is invited for dinner by your parents, find somewhere else to go. If granny asks you for dinner ask if uncle is going to be there and decline if he is. If you are invited to an occasion and you ask if uncle is going to be there and get told no but find he has ...make a point of leaving because of him and tell people why if they ask. Son you have your own issues to work out and he isn't helping. Look to your own health. Hopefully you have friends/ family/ counselors that you can talk to. Life is tough enough at your age. Issues abound. Be well.
57
I'm really surprised by Dan's advice to HH as well. He's taken a totally GGG girl (at least she has been so far) and running the risk of making her self-doubting and paranoid - and possibly even LESS GGG in the future. Why? I don't get it.

The decision to cheat, lie, and manipulate her would only cause her to be more inhibited, no?

Was that answer a joke? I'm dying to know.
58
love your column, dan, but i gotta say i'm disappointed with the advice today. but i'll stick with the mormon uncle....
this guy is just a homophobic asshole. most assholes who call guys faggot are not about to jump your bones, even if he is a latent homosexual; i don't think there's much chance of asshole uncle forcing himself on UNCLE. so how does UNCLE deal with it? if he's comfortable enough doing so, he tells his parents the he doesn't want to spend time with the asshole uncle because of the comments. if not, he could make snide comments to the uncle about his (the uncle's) latent homosexuality, just to piss him off. latent homosexuals HATE the suggestion they might be gay. :)
59
First some disclaimers.....I am a Canadian and a Pagan... I am gay...marriage/relationships are not for sex..sex is for fun, pleasure and comfort... marriage is not for life....honesty is best (most of the time).

That being said, if bf can't tell gf he is bi he has a problem. One quick question first, HH, does mate's gf know you are bi/gay? If not 'come out' to them some weekend. Bf can act surprised at the revelation. If gf doesn't cause major scene try this. Make arrangements to meet them at their place on a Friday or Saturday night. Have too or three drinks not enough to be accused of being loaded. In a 'shy' and 'seemingly uncomfortable' fashion tell them that you think they are a hot couple and you would like to have a threesome with them. If it works, great if it doesn't there is some embarrassment but no one has to be made to feel guilty. And girlfriend may not want to participate but may want to see two guys 'do it'.

I was approached by a friend who's wife wanted to watch him get a blowjob. He was straight and complied to please her. He got off in a big way because she was so turned on. But we have done nothing since.
60
@everyone - sorry, I thought in the first letter, Dan was dispensing advice to HH on how to achieve his dream threesome, not to the BF on how to come out to his GF.

So given the actual question, extenuating circumstances aside, I'd say the advice was pretty spot-on.
61
To everyone who thinks Dan is out of line suggesting UNCLE's uncle is coming on to him:

(That means you, 15, 18, 43, 45, 58)

@27 is right on. Calling UNCLE a faggot in any situation is creepy and yucky, but the fact that he only does it when they are alone together is what makes it likely to be a come on. Dan and @27 are exactly right.
62
@47 My god are you a case. “I have no problems being rejected for looks, attitudes, income or logical dating requirements.” When was sexual desire ever considered rational in the first place? If someone doesn’t want to date you because you’ve dated other men, so what? Why should that be considered “irrational”? It’s just their preference. You remind me of guys I used to date in college who just wanted to get laid and any reason why you didn’t want to was considered “irrational.”

“As daters, sexual partners and basically as a human being, every adult has the responsibility to examine their own prejudices and work on them. A blanket refusal to examine this is immature and detrimental to society.”

This just comes across as the height of arrogance to me. I think you can’t find women to date because you sound like a total jerk. You obviously do have a problem with being rejected — for any reason. You’re basically saying a woman that doesn’t want to date you and won’t examine why is “detrimental to society.” What rubbish.

Dating means being rejected by people you’re interested in. Almost constantly (at least for me). I got tired of it, so I stopped going out. At least I didn’t berate other people for having “irrational” reasons for not wanting to go out with me the way you do.
63
@29/31, I didn't try DP, but I conducted an experiment, and the answer is yes it is probably very painful! With an average sized dildo up my ass there was no way a penis could comfortably get into my vagina. There is only so much room in your pelvis. An average penis and a VERY SMALL dildo, maybe. Or two penises on the small side. Think really small, not normal penises considered small by their paranoid owners. As for double vaginal penetration, stretching your vagina beyond imaginable limits is only hot while you're fantasizing about it, the moment it becomes physically uncomfortable, it stops feeling as good as regular sex that our organs have been made for. Never underestimate evolution.
64
@29. To me, DP is totally hot in theory, though in reality it has been far to ointense for me to deal with for more than maytbe 30 seconds at a go. Hopefully practice will make perfect?
65
@25: you say
"there are some fairly good reasons why bi men would [lie] due to the stereotype that bi men are promiscuous gay loving unreliable kinky sods."

HH's mate shows a clear preference for an affair with HH behind his girlfriend's back over telling her he's bi. Let's review... he intends to:
- have gay sex
- sleep around without her knowledge or permission
- lie about it
==> he's a promiscuous gay loving unreliable kinky sod

The way you set it up, your argument for lying about being bi is only valid if done to protect against the misapplication of this stereotype. Unfortunately for the mate, this stereotype clearly applies!
66
Do the co-worker, dude!!!
67
i wanna know how to get MY boyfriend so interested in m-m-f threeways!!
68
A m-m-f threesome is my second biggest fantasy (right after some hot WS action). I want to be penetrated by both at the same time, want them to interact with each other - kiss, blow each other, fuck each other. Everything.

I don't see it ever happening with hubby, though, and I'm not interested in cheating so it will remain a fantasy.
69
@68, I'm right there with you, not holding my breath for it, since I know my husband quite well.

Although, re: WS, that can so easily become reality and many more people are into than would readily admit. Go ahead and ask for it if you haven't already, it will really take things up a notch!
70
@69 I'm glad I'm not alone!

Alas, I've asked my husband about WS and he says it's not something that he's interested in. I'm still hoping, though, because that's what he said about me rimming him and penetrating him and he's changed his mind about that.
71
Great column as always, Dan.

I'm a little with @1 though about innards. Ig.
72
# 47. I personally wouldn't touch a Bi guy with a 10 foot pole because of ONE THING: DISEASE. The homo community is CRAWLING with venereal disease, and HIV/AIDS is the LEAST of them: Hep A-B-C, antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea, genital warts of every conceivable viral affiliation, syphilis, MRSA, herpes...the list goes ON. And it is a KNOWN fact that men are CARELESS about "protection" in general, and less well known that condom use has DECLINED in the gay community.

I have a friend who works in the Federal gov't, in the "Pandemic Disease Control" department; he informed me that Health Canada does not release the REAL stats on homo disease lest they rouse the wrath of the gay community en masse.
Apparently it's OK for them to go around playing "plague fags", but NOT politically correct" to give people (spelled "w-o-m-e-n) the TRUTH about the situation, and let them decide for themselves! Many of these diseases are "no big deal" for MEN, but they spell BIG TROUBLE for WOMEN. But since women are considered third class citizens, no matter how anyone slices it, apparently it's apparently OK to let them remain ignorant of the FACTS of the tremendous health risks they are facing by having ANY sexual contact what-so-ever with men who are Bi, 'experimenting" or "curious".
73
@72, what you talking about? How is saying "this or that percentage of gay men is infected with this or that disease" giving truth to a particular woman deciding whether to date or not a bi guy? That doesn't tell her whether that guy has a disease or not! Just like saying "this or that percentage of straight men are infected with this or that disease" doesn't help us either - we should still have to go get tested together if we don't want to get "Hep A-B-C, antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea, genital warts of every conceivable viral affiliation, syphilis, MRSA, herpes" and so on.
74
@72 translated: AHHH! THE PENIS!!! EEEEVILLLL! ONE PENIS IS BAD ENOUGH BUT TWO?!? IMAGINE THE HORRORRRRRRRR!!!

Speaking of making women into 3rd class citizens, why is it that you didn't you drag up any statistics about rampant STDs among lesbians?

And as an apparent medical authority, you know "venereal disease" isn't actually the name of an STD, right?
75
I have to agree with some of the ladies here. Not that I prefer "cunt" but I'm not a pumpkin either...I don't have "innards". We all know you're not a big women fan, but do you have to describe us in such utterly repulsive terms?
76
my bad...i just realized that woman called her own self "innards". I'm thinking maybe a "man who wants to feel another man's penis up against his, separated only by some, uh....innards" is probably not the straightest. At all.
77
@47,
You wrote: "Where it crosses the line is when someone (anyone) rejects another for a reason that has no impact on the potential relationship."

Ah, but she doesn't know that. Look how many men have married women and years later said, "sorry honey I've been a closeted gay all this time, I'm tired of living a lie, and I need to divorce you to be the real me." Given that some women have been lied to and used by gay men who were using them as a cover so they could pretend to be straight, it's perfectly understandable why straight women would want to date men they understand to be straight. Now if it were a more casual thing, then it's no big deal...but if you're looking for something serious why take such a big risk that the whole relationship could be one big, fat lie?
78
@72 Do you also have a boyfriend in Europe that you met over the summer and we wouldn't know him, but he's really hot and rich?
79
@62 Robin. Thanks for putting inaccurate words in my mouth..

Of course I don't like being rejected - no one does. Not that it matters though - move on, find someone else - or keep them as a friend.

Do I think everyone - not just women - has a duty to examine their prejudices? Hell yes! I'm not pretending to be lily white either - I've looked at my own prejudices and found some of them to be bullshit, some to be basically logical and a few still needing some work.

This isn't rocket science - when forming a serious relationship each person will probably have to decide what their core requirements are anyway.

'It's just their preference' is a line frequently trotted out by many people who don't want to think. I have more respect for people I can at least agree to disagree with.
80
@77 I get your point, but it doesn't stand up to close scrutiny.

This hypothetical gay guy isn't pretending to be straight - he's pretending to be bi. This isn't a good idea (as proven extremely well by this thread) as it gives you shit from both the straight and gay communities.

There's so many other reasons a marriage can fail that I'm really not sure the potential that your partner is gay should be right up there on your list.

If you believe the statistics then choosing a bi man as a partner has a higher chance of issues that might not affect a straight man. The problem is that this is myopic thinking - people are not statistics and whilst stereotypes can be a useful guide in some cases, people should be assessed on an individual basis.

To be more precise, such viewpointscan be actively dangerous - first substitute 'bi' for someone that lives in a town where the stereotype is of them being thieves, or for a person of colour where the statistics show they're more likely to commit violent crime. Still sound acceptable?

Now cover dangerous assumptions such as that bi men are 'unsafe' in bed and straight men are 'safe' and marry it to a general lack of knowledge and stupidity about STIs (other than possibly on Savage Love, I have yet to read any such discussion where the majority weren't ill informed and worse - unwilling to learn). Generally unsafe behaviour ensues.

All of the above is a long winded way of arriving at my main point : you reap what you sow. A sizeable proportion (no, not all, not even the majority) of straight women refuse to consider bi men who want to be faithful. Bi men don't want to restrict their dating choices so they lie about their sexuality. End result : letters from HH and misery on all sides.

If we could all be a bit more honest, this wouldn't be a problem. Doesn't look likely to happen soon, does it?
81
UKGuy (80),

He might not be pretending to be bi. He might say he's bi because he's confused about his sexuality. Why would I want someone who is confused? Now I agree that people should be judged as individuals, not statistics which is why if I were considering dating a bi man I would want to know his dating history, his connection to gay or bi groups, how "out" he was about it, how sure he was about it, etc in order to figure out if it's even worth the bother. It's not about statistics, it's about avoiding drama.

>A sizeable proportion (no, not all, not even the majority) of straight women refuse to consider bi men who want to be faithful. Bi men don't want to restrict their dating choices so they lie about their sexuality. End result : letters from HH and misery on all sides.

In other words, bi men lie and women get blamed. Sorry, I'm not buying it. If you lie, you alone are responsible for your actions. Women have the right to decide for themselves whether to date a man who is bi. If a woman declines because a man is bi, that is her right. It's her decision and nobody has the right to take that away from her. One caveat, though...

If we're talking about casual dating, or a first date that's a bit different because nobody reveals everything about themselves all at once. But once there is a possibility of it getting serious, there's no excuse for not revealing something like that.
82
To all those who think Dan's advice is somehow "off": he has confessed to writing the occasional column while high. Just sayin'.
83
Mormon uncle is gay. Lately, I've seen too much conservative christian self-hatred to deny it any more. The whole goddamned fundy world is gay to me right now. And sissies. I mean, look at christwire.org . Read any of the anti-gay articles and you tell me--stealth gay satirist ? Or is it that the fundies are not only ALL gay but extremely kinky, and this kind of religious extremism is a really sick way of making an orientation into a sick fetish.
84

@68- Just wondering what WS stands for.. Water Sports?

@32- Know how you feel. I'm a straight part-time cross dresser who often feels he's a lesbian trapped in a man's body.

And speaking of… it is my absolutely-non-scientific observation that despite the prevailing stigma most male cross dressers are actually straight.
So...Are there any women out there, of any orientation, who may incorporate this with their partner(s) out of real interest and not just for the sake of being GGG?
85
...or I could just be stupid and fooled by a satiric website. ...

D'OH!
86
It's been my experience, as a bisexual woman with gay and bi male fiends, that men tend to be more freaked out by the thought of their mate sleeping with (or even being attracted to) a woman than with a man. I think it comes down to men assuming that they are manlier than any other guy could be, and therefor there's not really any competition, but a woman is something they can't compare with. The whole "What if he/she realizes he/she likes pussy more than he/she likes cock? Then where am I?" fear. I've known guys (gay and straight) who outright refused to ever get involved with a bisexual at all because of the belief that they might one day decide they want a woman and just leave. These are usually guys so arrogant and hung that they don't consider men to be any threat at all, but being hung and macho and all that doesn't help much if you're trying to compete with a woman. Just a thought.
87
@ 84

Here! I'm bisexual and think that incorporating cross-dressing would be hot.
I'm taken though. And my boyfriend likes his "manly" track pants and hoodies over girl clothes. Le sigh. We have a nice BDSM thing going on though so my inner kink is happy.

And as for UNCLE..um, he should tell his parents regardless. Even if this guy isnt a latent homo, and even if UNCLE wasn't fooling around with guys and girls, it doesnt matter. Spewing hate speech is wrong, and as an aunt I'm disgusted that he'd say such things to his own nephew.
88
...Maybe the idea of his uncle trying to make a move on him will motivate UNCLE to feel brave and tell his parents.
89
@86 I am a woman with a bisexual man and that is my fear exactly. My boyfriend thinks I shouldn't be afraid of a man because it's like comparing apples and oranges, but I still feel like it's something I can't compete with. I'm not as intimidated by women because like you say I feel there's something he likes about me more than other women. I know it's irrational and I have to get over it. We're trying to work out a way for him to have things with guys and me not feel horrible.
90
hee heee- 'nards and 'tards
91
@ 87
I'm delighted and encouraged to know that there are some women out there who find cross dressing hot. I understand you're taken and wish you the best in your current relationship. But if that changes for some reason, and I'm not suggesting you should end it because of me, then please be sure to contact me and I promise you an extremely hot lingerie modeling show.

Good night!
92
"I personally wouldn't touch a Bi guy with a 10 foot pole because of ONE THING: DISEASE. The homo community is CRAWLING with venereal disease, and HIV/AIDS is the LEAST of them: Hep A-B-C, antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea, genital warts of every conceivable viral affiliation, syphilis, MRSA, herpes...the list goes ON. And it is a KNOWN fact that men are CARELESS about "protection" in general, and less well known that condom use has DECLINED in the gay community."

Last local newspaper article I read about this went on to point out that recent surveys of STRAIGHT people pointed to an alarming reduction in safe-sex practices over recent years, and an increased willingness for the paid-for variety to have a no-barrier option (for a few extra bucks).

Sex tourism relies on the straights for a big portion of its trade, and it's notorious for coming with unwelcome extras. The military guys I know often pay for a little local recreation while on deployment, and have had to make a few discreet visits to their pharmacist as a result.

Next time you touch one of your "not-bi" types, keep in mind they're pretty darned risky too. Which is why safe sex, regular check-ups, and couple testing before going no-barriers are all good ideas, and blind bigotry and assuming your 'straight' types are somehow not potentially disease-ridden scumbags is just dumb.
93
Blame Twilight for modern women for m/f/m preferences? Jesus, how about a little credit for media fans who have been fantasizing about two men (in any combination, or solo) for the last forty years? Did you not read your own paper's article on Kirk/Spock? Do you need someone to explain to you what slash is? Stephanie Meyer is like the toddler brought to the college reunion.

I'm disappointed you seem to know so little about sexual-interest trends in American culture considering your occupation. (Or maybe it's your anti-anything-involving-girls bias.)
94
Hmm, lots of comments. Great column this week!

Anyone else think that HH kept calling the other guy his 'mate' because he's from England or Australia, perhaps?
95
p.s. 93 - i think your panties are in a bunch. dan was just trying to be funny and pop culturally relevant/timely with the twilight comment. relax :)
96
the advise to HH was on point. i agree with Dan. reagardless what HH wants to do in this issue, but it IS what she wants. frankly, that's unfair.and it the end it WOULD be her fault if the relationship ended because she wouldn't be comfortable of him being bi. she should be open to her bf's sexual adventures. if this is where she draws the line then maybe HH should find another girl to explore his sexual desires.
97
94 - Yes, it was the first thing I thought of! Australians use 'mate' to mean 'friend', regardless of gender.
98
People who get all self-righteous on Dan's column kill me. Because they never ever lie or manipulate anyone or only tell part of the truth, oh mercy no! They are little saints who never do anything wrong ever! And yet they seem to love reading about pervy sex. Shouldn't you people be watching the 700 Club or something?
99
@84 - yes, WS=watersports. My number 1 all-time fantasy.
100
As a woman, I would be TOTALLY FINE with someone coming out to me as being bi. What I would NOT be fine with--at all--! is:

a) planning to cheat on me with another male friend in secret
b) coming out to me in some fake staged revelation
c) conning me into agreeing to a threesome and then blaming me if it hurts the relationship.

Btw, what if the girl's response to that brilliant idea is "Oh, yeah, a threesome would be hot, but I would want to stipulate no contact between you and the other guy except kissing, because I'd be jealous"? What would Dan advice the guy to do then? It wasn't the girl's idea to have the threesome, so she could take it or leave it, so if the guy thinks that condition is "unfair" she'd just say fair enough, scrap the threesome idea entirely. But if they do go through with it, he can't blame her (poor girl, being guilted for being GGG) if he gets "carried away" enough that he ends up with his mate's dick in his mouth or his ass.
101
#98 You got one thing right. I don't ever lie or manipulate other people. No 700 club for me though thank you!

Why is that inconsistent with reading about kinky sex?