Dan Savage

Gold Star Pedophiles

Comments

2
What? That's your only advice to KIW? What does he do to satisfy his abberant attraction? How about masturbating to fantasies of having sex with children, having consensual adult sex while fantisizing about sex with children, or role playing with consenting adults about sex with children?
3
@2 -- ummmm, don't think so.
Not that it's comparable, but speaking as an ex-smoker, substitutes are a cruel reminder. Best to just leave the room entirely.
4
I gotta agree with number 3. I don't about pedophilia, but I do know about temptation. And jerking off and fantasizing about the temptation just makes it harder to resist. It's best to try to put it out of your mind.

Maybe he could find himself a very petite and flat-chested girl (or body-hairless boy, depending on his particular interest) and start a relationship? Is it possible to be a monogamous pedophile? I mean, would he be happy with one "child" or still want more? I don't k now where the line between lust and power is for "good" pedophiles.
5
Agree with Charlie above - heck, half the porn industry is based around "barely legal!" girls, so it must be possible to find SOMEone who is a legal adult and who is also willing to emphasize their pre-pubescent characteristics (shave their body hair, wear kids' clothes, act all innocent and childlike in the bedroom, whatever) who would be willing to be GGG about this. Not that I think this is "just another kink" that just any partner should be obligated to go along with, but KIW isn't necessarily destined to be alone forever.
6
"Good pedophiles" like KIW, are a prime reason why I don't believe god exists.

And if god DOES exist? Then good pedophiles are a prime reason why I would love nothing more than to put a bullet right through god's sadistic forehead.
7
It should be noted that many of our childhood traumas may come later as sexual desires. And it is not that surprising that most pedophiles were themselves abused as children.
This is also why I believe sexual abuse is so deeply rooted in the Catholic church, as "the torch" has been passed for many generations by sexually oppressed men who were not allowed to have any other sexual outlets and forced themselves on youngsters.

And just as an act of self promotion I would like to remind the public that most men cross dressers are actually straight. And we are generally nice guys, and girls too, and not the murderous psycho types you may have seen in some movies and TV shows.

I urge cross dressers to be open about it and mention it to their girlfriends or wives (hopefully BEFORE they're getting married), and I urge all women to accept their men as such. I would also encourage women to date cross dressers as we are often fun, intelligent, sensitive, and have some sense of how to dress up, etc. And just so you know, I'm available.

Did I say "self promotion"?
8
Oh my god. Thank you, Dan, for formulating in words two sympathetic responses to people considered to have paraphilias. First and foremost: sexual desire in and of itself has no morals attached to it. NO SEXUAL DESIRE IS WRONG. What you do with it is wrong. Therefore, you can have a desire to coerce women into sex, or a desire for children, but when you act on it, you're not a sexual deviant, YOU'RE A CRIMINAL. It's a fine but necessary distinction. Your sexual preferences are NOT irreducible proof of your criminality; otherwise we'd be back to the DSM-III and homosexuality being proof of dysfunction.
9
I can't begin to say how blown away I am by the kindness of Dr. Cantor (and Dan). Reading this, it hit me: a non-exploiting pedophile is no different from ALL the people out there who never find a suitable partner----for the first time I can imagine how it feels to be like that, and have compassion for them. This is a stunning revelation for me. Thank you for making me see something in a totally different way, Dan.

And Ugurtha (#6) don't think I haven't wondered and puzzled (and surely I am not alone) why we are made to desire that physical connection when for so many of us it is fraught with difficulty and hazard. Maybe our god is as he is portrayed in Job, literally making bets with Satan over how long we can keep up our good behavior.
10
There is one solution for KIW far less harrowing than chemical castration: he could take female oral contraceptives. I'm a grad student in psychology, and I know some researchers who have done in-depth work studying and treating convicted sex offenders, mostly pedophiles. Some pedophiles-in-prison are "treated" with female birth control pills as a way of curbing their libido and reducing their chance of re-offending. The pills work in much the same way as a more serious chemical castration would: they essentially increase estrogen in the system and suppress testosterone. Many women report lower sex drives when they begin taking "the pill", and virtually ALL men do. Testosterone and sex drive are nearly inseparable in men, and thus BC dampens drive very quickly. KIW should get a hold of some BC and try it out.
11
@4

Yes and no. Speaking as someone with what can be considered aberrant sexual desires (though, given the context here, perhaps not too aberrant), I can state with some certainty that indulging in a fantasy is one of the fastest ways I've found to make the fantasy less powerful. For the pedophile, saying "no, these urges are bad" does nothing but help to make the problem worse. Admitting the desire, and even acting on it in wholesome and legal ways is (I believe) going to be more effective than going cold turkey.

The best I can liken it to is rape fantasies (which are a legitimate paraphilia, and separate from BDSM). Yes, the act is illegal if ever actually done, but the fantasy of it (complete with safewords and complete consent beforehand) can give some semblance of satisfaction.

@5 keep in mind that there are distinctions between the different levels of paraphilia in terms of "pedophilia". Some are into the barely-legal set, others pubescent, pre-pubescent, ect. If KIW is into just the "bubbly schoolgirl" stuff, he'll have an easier time than if he's into the "preteen" fantasy.

I draw no moral judgment, just that many women I've known have had fantasies about being a girl in her mid-to-late teens. Fewer fantasize about being molested as a preteen (though, I have met a few).

@10:

Without actually being a pedophile myself, it's difficult to gauge the level of desire that really exists here. If it's a "I can't see a cute little girl without wanting to have her" thing, I'd agree with the suggestion you make. If it's just that he feels normal sexual desires, which are directed at an abnormal target, it seems somewhat counterproductive to jump immediately to "hormone therapy".

I can't say for certain, but those I've known with some of the more destructive kinks (rape being the best analogy I can think of, as above) aren't necessarily raving lunatics. Their sexual energy is simply directed at a different target than the one considered normal by most people. But, until he's actually in a position where he can't resist the urge to harm anyone, it seems like it's no harm no foul, doesn't it?

Treating this desire as though it's an "other" inside of him (and, by extension, us for those of us who have paraphilia of our own) gives it more power. No part of us, I believe, is uncontrollable except when we convince ourselves that it's an unstoppable force or desire within us.

My two cents, anyway.
12
What a cruel fate, to be saddled with an inherently criminal sexual orientation combined with the moral instincts against it.

I wish Dr. Cantor could have pointed KIW to medical professionals or communities that could support him in what is going to be a lifelong struggle. Beyond the impossibility of sexual fufillment I suspect one of the worst parts is feeling completely alone and unable to confide in anyone, lest you be outed, lumped together with the monsters and your life completely ruined. I hope KIW can find his way to a group that he can confide in, construcitvely and under the eye of professionals.

Lowering his sex drive through medical treatment (and that's what it is, "chemical castration" is a really unfortunate turn of phrase) sounds like a really good idea. KIW has the nasty-no-good-very-bad luck to be destined to never have sexual fufillment, so getting rid of sexual desire might mitigate his suffering.

Good luck KIW! And know that some of us do recognize the merit and terrible suffering of people in your situation. Cheers!
13
I would strongly suggest to KIW to go get some psychoanalysis. which IS NOT pshychotherapy as in something fast that will cure you, but a long term work you do with the help of the analyst to better know yourself and understand your desires, the causes of your desires and your fears and the causes of your fears. and just in case, take the hormones.

I think probably his problem lays in some fears started in childhood or early teenage years. to direct your desire to someone powerless as a child shows your fear of having a relationship with someone who is an equal to you. Not very healthy I think. maybe I am 100% wrong, but there is no 'good pedophile'. just think about it, who would let this guy babysit your kids? dan? anyone?¿? ehem.. you don't have to approve all knids of sexual behaviour just because it is something sexual.
good luck kiw.
14
As an atheist, I have to say it is conspicuous that the pedophile topic is coming up on Savage Love right about the time that my own oh-so-very-complicated interests are in danger of being outed...to my friends, my parents, my colleagues and in a worst-case scenario, the authorities.‡ to KIW, thank you for opening the topic that I've been too scared to directly raise. And Dan, I expected that you, as a father, could not understand. Thank you for addressing this with aplomb and compassion.

KIW, as really with all challenges, whether stigmatic (and dangerous) paraphilias or missing limbs or over-the-rainbow lunacy, different methods are going to work for different folks, hence I will firstly disclaim the obvious: No path is universal, so what I may mention works for some, suggestions that might conflict with what you read above, is to be taken with a heavy dose of critical thought. As with all advice, keep what works for you. Discard the rest. That said, I should also warn this might fall into TMI.

Technically, KIW, one is not a pedophile in the clinical sense until action is taken. Your theoretical case is about paraphilia for prepubescent people. Incidentally, this is not to be confused with ephebophilia which is the natural attraction to breedable adolescents that happen to be protected from / denied responsibility to consent in our society. Acting on ephebophilia is still illegal but doesn't even count as a fetish.

But I would disagree outright with slomopomo and charlie ) that engaging the fantasies is a temptation that will lead you to acting on them. Similarly to what Seldon2639 suggests, I might enjoy playing computer games that allow me to viscerally gun down Imperial Stormtroopers (or Nazis or Libyan Terrorists or whatever), yet I am in no hurry to enlist my way to Afghanistan and start hunting Al-Qa'ida revolutionaries. Just as (despite the common misconception) gay does not equate to a lack of sexual restraint, neither does an attraction to children, or any other paraphilia‡‡‡. As adults, we are all expected to process sexual feelings in socially appropriate terms. It is, hence, inappropriate to assume that just because someone has a strange fetish, they are unable to control it.

To the contrary, following the Zen approach (and paralleling the psychological practices of DBT and some CBT‡‡), KIW your sexual fantasies (kinky or otherwise) are the stories you tell yourself while you masturbate, and will feature common elements that not only reveal what gets you hot, but also what makes you feel safe enough to sexually express yourself e.g. let go, lose control, relax your inhibitions, reveal your true self, and ultimately, come (cue FGTH). Ideally, with this insight and some creativity, you'll find ways to invoke these elements of fantasy in a way that is safe, socially acceptable, and equally thrills your (adult) partner.

That said, ageplay is rampantly popular in the kink communities (and, as I've experienced, a broachable subject outside as well), so you also have the option of getting yourself to a kink munch in your area (aka BDSM Munch), where kinky folk go to talk about play and cruise each other silly. You might find someone who's just childlike enough, or can fake it well enough, to do what you need.

Regarding your abilities to babysit or otherwise interact with real children, as I said above, part of adulthood and maturity is being able to do what's right even in the face of desires to do otherwise, an ability we practice every day in all walks of life. That said, it is the responsibility of each of us to develop enough self awareness to understand when we are a danger to ourselves or others, to avoid such circumstances when predictable, to remove ourselves from situations when they are not and if they are commonplace or unavoidable, to seek professional help. That said, if you know you're not going to act out, then the details of your sexuality are not the business of your family-enabled friends any more than the details of theirs are your business.

‡ Despite that I've been careful not to do anything illegal (not that the police are known to tell the difference). As things are, I've been in the process of outing myself pre-emptively to those who I think will more likely react favorably than not. Still, I've seldom felt so naked. To Loveschild and Allegedly (all your incarnations), my special wish for you is to experience, for a single day, the fear for my life and paranoia that I've been experiencing all week; to know what it is to be a hidden outcast in your own community, in constant yet uncertain danger of being exposed.

‡‡ Not to be confused with this CBT. In Zen, the whole purpose is to escape the need for physical pleasures entirely, in pursuit of spiritual enlightenment, but here we're just aiming for safe sexual fulfillment.

‡‡‡ For those who think kid-fetishists and rape-fantasizers are out there in the kink department, some folk get off on the fantasy of being consumed during intercourse, of killing their parters, of being beaten to within an inch of their lives.
15
Dan, what a compassionate, humane response. How would he go about approaching a doctor and saying, "I have pedophiliac desires and would like to try chemical castration or birth control." Would he be potentially setting himself up to be reported to some authority by even admitting such information to a member of the medical community?
16
@joybd, so far as I'm aware, medical professionals are required to keep their patients information confidential and can in fact face sanctions if they don't. Perhaps they are allowed to report illegal activity, but the very act of feeling desire towards children is not illegal and hence would be covered by doctor-patient confidentiality.
17
You're right Lynx. Medical professionals are supposed to maintain doctor-patient confidentiality. The one exception (in psychiatric care) is when one is a danger to himself (herself) or others, at which point responders are obligated to report. This does put things in a grey zone, where one has to use their rational judgment when it comes to a given patient. We've seen not only incidents where known (but inactive) pedophiles were reported merely because they were going to be near children, but also where gays discharged from military service due to being outed by their medical professionals.

It also gets tricky when someone is in an abusive situation, but intervention can cause that abuse to escalate. A wrong guess can cost jobs and lives.
18
On a practical note KIW: When someone asks you to babysit- be as candid as you can. Tell them that you have emotional issues that make you unsuitable to watch kids. End of story.
19
@12, I believe pedophilia is a sexual orientation too. So we can all put ourselves in KIW's shoes - just imagine that being attracted to the sex you're attracted to, and especially acting on it, is the worst criminal offense you can think of. So what do you do then? You can't change your sexual orientation, that's for sure. You can do things to suppress your libido, but that doesn't solve your problem. You will still be interested in people of that certain sex, even though you won't feel the immediate urge to bang them. And you're facing a lifetime of loneliness and pretending you're not who you are. A lifetime in closet, that is.
20
Guess I'm the only one who didn't read KIW's letter at face value.

The Christian Right typically equates pedophilia and homosexuality. This is the "slippery slope" argument: "Well, if gays can marry/screw/express their lifestyle, the next thing will be to legalize pedophilia, beastiality, necrophilia!"

I just assumed that KIW was trolling: substituting 'pedophilia' for homosexuality, and giving Dan enough rope to hang himself. Dan gives sympathetic advice about drugs & therapy as a way of controlling one's urges, then KIW jumps out of the bushes and yells, "Ah-HA!! So you DO think that people should suppress their sinful/evil sexual urges! Why the pedophiles, and not all you hateful gay persons (whom I love, but what you do is gross)??"

I'm NOT (underline NOT) mounting an apology/defense of pedophilia. But the Interwebs being what they are, I'm just surprised that no one else (so far) is suspicious of KIW's letter. The various responses above (including Dan's) would give any anti-gay activist lots of fodder.

I'm reading some of the same suggestions the Right makes for "controlling" one's gayness: therapy, chemical castration, confession, taking up with an "appropriate" sexual partner that allows one to pretend "normalcy". Sound familiar?
21
really? nobody has made a joke yet about being fully blown by a semenarian? well allow me...
22
Thank you thank you thank you. I have always had the utmost sympathy for pedophiles; as a gay man, I thoroughly understand what its like to have sexual attractions that many people disapprove of, and I believe completely - as you confirmed in this column - that pedophiles can no more control their sexual desires than gay people can. Being gay is not a choice, and neither is someone who has the unfortunate inkling to be attracted to children. I have always understood this, and I have always been puzzled why so many gay people are not more sympathetic to the plight of "good" pedophiles, or even "bad" pedophiles. Yes, what bad pedophiles do is wrong, but I have always believed that they deserve sympathy and compassion every bit as much as their victims do. Many times I have literally thanked the God I don't believe in that I do not suffer from this particular sexual preference (yes, I consider pedophilia to be as much an immutable prefereance as being gay is).

Thanks again Dan.
23
Actually, Roxxxy True Companion is here already. She is a fully functional female sex robot. She can respond to conversation and has warm to the touch flesh. Creepy as all get out but perhaps more satisfying than Real Doll. Her batteries last for three hours. I don't think you will have to wait that long for Japan to satisfy your desires. I'm not sure if the gentleman who created Roxxxy would be willing to make a child for you, but that day is not really long in the making.
24
The difference, #20, is the one between "consenting adults" and "people who cannot give consent."

So the slippery slope argument is a fallacy from the very beginning, and not worth the website space.

That said, I do agree it's possible this is trolling. I don't think so - this dude wrote to the only advice columnist on earth who wouldn't indulge in pearl clutching, and I've always thought surely there are pedophiles who don't act on their urges - but it's a possibility we'd be silly to dismiss.
25
@20 homosexuality is consensual sex between two people of the same sex, pedophilia is about non consensual sexual contact between an adult and a child. They are not comparable, the end, end of story. I can see the point you are driving at, however, because acting on pedophilia is inherently damaging to the other party, it is and must remain illegal, sexual preference, on the other hand (as i mentioned before) is CONSENSUAL ie, both parties are gaining sex, love or companionship from said relationship. As a woman who was sexually assaulted as an adult, I can tell you, it f@#ks you up. I still have nightmares,difficulties with self esteem and issues with trust- and I am an adult- now, imagine a child having to deal with that, and no less, from someone they have been taught they should trust, someone who should be protecting them.
I feel for KIW, but pedophilia, when acted on, is an abuse of power, homosexuality is not. The distinction is necessary.
26
@20, I think KIW's letter was authentic, but I agree with some of the points you make. I take issue with ideas you can cure pedophilia, or trying to get to the cause of it (childhood trauma etc) because it instantly reminds me of attempts to cure "gay" and stupid theories how you become gay if your mommy lets you wear her shoes. There was probably nothing wrong with a pedophile's upbringing, unless he can't distinguish between right or wrong and rapes children - but his upbringing in that case didn't make him a pedophile, it just made him a sociopath. Just like straight or gay rapists didn't become straght or gay because of their upbringing, but it probably did make them rapists.
27
@Gay Movie Fan erm, I wouldn't go as far as you by a looooong shot.

First things first; the vast majority of men (and a few women) who abuse children are NOT like KIW. That is, they aren't pedophiles by "orientation" but by opportunity. The majority are heterosexual males and for many abuse is less about sex than exercising power and pain. These are not people to be sympathized with, they need to be shut away, preferably somewhere dark.

Now, amongst the minority who are pedophiles by orientation there should be sympathy BUT I dispute that one of these people who breaks and abuses a child deserves anywhere near the amount of sympathy as the child itself. One is the victim of sexual assault, and the other the perpetrator. If the perp is a tortured soul who broke after years of struggle that is a mitigating circumstance, but only mitigating, never absolving.

I think that society has a vested interest in first differentiating between "born" pedophiles and abuse-based pedophiles and especially between "good pedophiles" (who control themselves and need support and treatment) and "bad pedophiles" (who do not control themselves and should get, lets say, more vigorous and coerced treatment and/or isolation).
28
@20 'dexters mom'

You're forgetting consent. Children are (on average, which is what the law is based on) emotionally incapable of giving consent, therefore it's wrong. Ditto bestiality and rape.

Adult gay men are fully capable of consenting, therefore it isn't wrong. The bigots aren't given any ammunition at all, with the above letter.
29
Weighing in-
When I first heard about the Pope's past practices, I was reminded of the yiddish fold tale "Saint or Horse". I can't find a copy online, but it explains things perfectly...
I don't know if I'm ready to call pedophilia a sexuality. Primarity because of "slippery slope" issues... in the wrong hands that term can be used for the wrong things.
That being said, I'm glad to hear the caring response. *Good work Dan!* My heart goes out to KIW. That would be so hard... may any god that may or may not exist give him stregnth to continue his resistance.
I would NOT suggest fantasizing and role playing. I can say from experiance that fantasizing does lead to greater temtation in acting out. While my fantasies all involve consenting adult humans, and here are considered perfectly fine, I can say that constant fantasy indulgence has led me to a few experiances that were previously on my "no- it's just to likely to blow up in my face" list. If a fantasy constantly has free range in your imagination (working out all those details as you daydream or role play along), it's harder to say no when the opertunity comes up. Fortunatly there was no real trauma for anyone in mine... just a list of things I kinda wish I hadn't done because I realy did know ahead of time that it would lead to stickey social situations. In KIW's case, the results of a slip would be horrible.
30
Forgive the spelling, hadn't had my coffee yet...
31
The other obvious course for KIW is to research SSRI's, which are famous for decreasing libidio. It might be a good first step, and telling a doctor that you're depressed has to be much easier than telling them you're a pedophile.

Best of luck to him/her; it's got to be difficult, and I applaud hir decision to not hurt children, even at second hand.
32
I personally would recommend that KIW should find the youngest LEGAL/consenting aged partner possible and make the best of it. It may not be everything he desires, but it must surely be better than the lonely lifetime of hell he faces otherwise...?
33
@18: Or tell 'em you're busy that night. Or just fucking lie and say you hate the little brats.
34
Bravo, Uriel-238!

I have frequent ephebophilic fantasies and rape fantasies, but I believe that as human beings we have an obligation to behave ethically rather than let our “id” control our behavior, so I have never acted on these and will never do so.

I don’t believe that having those fantasies is evil (I did not choose them and cannot control their presence in my head), and I can attest that I have been jacking off to them for years without ever being tempted to turn them into reality. While I understand that purchasing child porn creates a market which encourages the abuse of real children, I would be in favor of computer-generated simulations that create an outlet for such fantasies.

The real question in my mind is whether KIW is ONLY turned on by kids, or whether he can function sexually with adult women (or men), using his fantasy for “spice”. For me, while I have such fantasies, they are not the only thing that gets me off.

I am fortunate to have found a woman who is mentally twisted enough that she enjoys the sort of age- and force-related roleplay that gets me off, and physically quite capable of doing the “young teen” look. Our play us both quite satisfied, and no one gets hurt.

If KIW’s sole objects of excitement are children, then I am deeply sorry for him, and perhaps chemical castration should be explored. In that case, I’d also agree that he should not babysit kids in his attraction range, on the same principle that alcoholics should not hang out in bars – the cost of a potential slip is way too high.
35
I applaud KIW for submitting that letter. It takes a lot of courage to address a subject like that on this scale.

I also have to say I have a great deal more respect for Dan after reading his response. Not that I agree 100%, but it was very compassionate.

Why don't I agree 100%? While I do agree that chemical castration is an option if you're at a low point in your life or you just don't think you'll be able to control yourself, KIW seems to have his head on straight. I think much of Dan's (and the Doctor's) reply & many of the comments seem to imply that the best route to go is to take the drugs.

Let's face it, chemical castration is an ugly term, but there's still a bunch of issues that arise when you're considering it as a treatment. Some of this comes secondhand, so please correct me if I'm off base at any point.

First of all, when you're as deep in the closet as KIW is, taking mood/behavior-altering drugs of any type is a pretty scary proposition. Even something as common as alcohol is spooky when a single drunken confession can absolutely devastate one's life. Even more so if you can't shake that fear of "what if I get drunk and with my lowered inhibitions, turn into what society expects me to become?" It's not quite the same with hormones (or hormone blockers), but when the idea is screwing around with the E and the T, a guy might think about their wife, sister or mother and such at a time when their hormones were loopy and think of worst case scenarios.

Then there's the security element of it. KIW is effectively impossible to figure out, since there's no evidence of his sexual desires outside the boundaries of his own mind. When you're dosing yourself on a regular basis, you've got something going on in the real world that may raise questions or suspicions from those close to you.

Health risks? I've heard of people having their blood pressure skyrocket after they started a regimen of chemical castration. Man-boobs and bone degradation are also on the list of common side effects. I'm not 100% sure on this (ergo, my 'if I'm off base at any point', above.)

Lastly, let's admit it. Masturbation feels good. KIW mentions the sex-bots as a hypothetical interest. We can assume he likes to beat the meat. Maybe with a taint of shame or guilt, maybe not. Depends how healthy his perspective is. Chemical castration means giving up on something enjoyable, in this case.

Really, there's a lot of pros and cons to consider when you're talking about a drug regimen. While it's certainly an option, and I can see where it would take a load off one's mind, I don't know that chemical castration is right for everyone in KIW's circumstance. I certainly didn't/don't feel it's right for me.

KIW's letter seems to be asking more about the social dynamic rather than anything else. Among his questions, he asks "Am I obliged to tell anyone? Good way to lose friends. Can I keep babysitting my friends' kids when they need a hand? What the fuck do I do? Live alone and hope Japan starts producing affordable sexbots before I'm too old to care?"

I would argue the only person you'd be obliged to tell would be a(n adult) romantic partner. This is assuming you were among those who were interested in both children and adults. In such a case, you'd be entering into an intimate, long term relationship where a degree of trust and honesty was expected. You'd be facing a situation where you were potentially having kids, and you'd want to get it out in the open asap rather than (as with the babysitting) be found out later & be demonized regardless of your innocence. I don't get the impression that this kind of relationship is a possibility with KIW, though.

What do you do? There's no easy answer. Recognize that you're not alone. Also realize that your pedophilia is not the most important part of who you are. As a nonoffender, it probably isn't even in the top 10 things that define you. Recognize that you have options. People (and myself) have covered chemical castration and the pros & cons that come with it. There's also the possibility of seeing a counselor who you can talk to about the subject, mentioned above. Or going online to find a listening ear with anonymity on your side. You might want to consider having a nest egg set aside so that if things go south (say, a drunken, "Mom, I'm a pedophile."), you can pick up and start anew someplace else. Or use that nest egg later so that you're first in line when those sexbots appear on the shelf.

I'd recommend a hobby, find something you enjoy thoroughly. The less time spent dwelling on your pedophilia (or say, your rape/guro fixation), the better. There may come a time when you get asked or nagged about why you're not in a relationship or starting a family, but just make it clear you're not interested in a relationship and keep in mind that you're doing the best, most noble thing you can.
36
Uriel-238 @ 14,

A big virtual hug to you. It sounds like you could use one.

Keep your chin up.
37
While we're on the topic...thoughts about the American age of consent?

I have never liked younger people (in fact, even when I was a minor I liked older men - thank God *I* didn't act on that predilection or I could have gotten someone in serious trouble). But I'm curious if 'non-pedophile' means 'people automatically become sexually attractive on their 18th birthday.' I remember all the age countdowns for actresses like Lindsay Lohan and the Olsen twins, as though people's gross comments about them (which started well before they turned 18) would magically become less offensive when the date was passed.

For all I know, KIW is a genuine pedophile and is literally incapable of being aroused by people past puberty. If so, God help him. But if living in a country where he could date a 16 year old girl, one like me who would have welcomed the attention of an older man (read: consented), would allow him to escape this demon, then perhaps we need to rethink our laws.
38
To KIW
Stop babysitting now -

Otherwise one day you are certain to meet one of those oversexed,
underage girls who will do their best to seduce you,
with disastrous results for yourself.
39
I agree with #33. LIE!! There are tons of people out there that don't like children. Become one of them. Don't talk to kids, act annoyed when they are around, and absolutely refuse to babysit. My sister hates kids. She worked in a day care for a summer and came out just hating children. She isn't mean to them, just ignores them most of the time and avoids kid-centric occasions and places. I would never think to have her watch my kids because she would hate it. I love my sister, I know she'll never have kids, and she knows I'll never foist my kids on her because she's made it clear that she DOESN'T LIKE CHILDREN. Do the same. She is still loved and has a part in my life, it's just separate from kid-related activity. The bonus is, if ever your secret DOES come out, your friends and family know you've never done anything to THEIR kids. And maybe they will appreciate the front you've put up to protect their kids and still want to have you in their lives.
40
This could be a double post, SLOG server is acting up. Still, two hugs are better than one.

Anyhoo...

Virtual hug, Uriel-238 @ 14. Keep your chin up.
41
Maybe KIW should date a midget?
42
I think KIW should seek the professional counsel of a qualified and sympathetic psychiatrist/psychologist, especially if considering chemical castration to reduce the sex urge. Loss of, or decline of testosterone in men is also liked strongly to deep depression, fatigue and even suicide so it should definitely be monitored by a professional. I feel for his plight and hope he does find help. I think he should seek the support of someone though because I can't imagine dealing with this burden alone.
43
I would second the recommendation to find a top-notch psychoANALYST (not psychologist, counselor, or psychiatrist) and get into long-term couch-surfing. Find someone older, experienced, and well-known in the field in your area. Look up your local psychoanalytic institute, many of them offer low-cost analysis on a sliding scale. A lot of people complain that psychoanalysis is interminable and not scientific, but it's made for a case like this. There ain't gonna be a cure, and to make the pain of life bearable you need to form a long-term relationship with someone you can trust and to whom you can literally say anything with no consequences.

As a piece of anecdata, I know a woman who was a lifelong lesbian when she entered psychoanalysis. She was perfectly happy being a lesbian and wasn't in therapy to change that, but over the course of a 10-year analysis she investigated the roots of her traumatic childhood and worked through her anger at male relatives that had abused her . . . and she started becoming attracted to men. She didn't LOSE her attraction to women, but she essentially discovered her bisexuality, which came as a surprise to her and was definitely not on the agenda of either her or her analyst. So while I don't think psychoanalysis will cure you, it is possible that things could shift for you with some intensive work. Or maybe not. Just some food for thought.

I think you're a brave guy, and I wish you luck.
44
@37 - Yes. I was shocked to discover the AoC in Norway was 16, and that most of the 16 year olds I met at the time were capable of consenting or not. Culture shock to the max, as I'd spent my early teen years feeling guilty about being attracted to a then-minor Britney Spears - who is my own age!

Boo on a culture that sets such hard lines and stigmas on such a nebulous issue.
45
@37 - Yes. I was shocked to discover the AoC in Norway was 16, and that most of the 16 year olds I met at the time were capable of consenting or not. Culture shock to the max, as I'd spent my early teen years feeling guilty about being attracted to a then-minor Britney Spears - who is my own age!

Boo on a culture that sets such hard lines and stigmas on such a nebulous issue.
46
Ignorance is bliss. You would consider castration as a way to "fix" a pedophile so he or she can live life without abusing children? Dr. James Cantor is a fucking idiot. Why not get to the cause of what makes an ADULT attracted to a CHILD? I know there are a million drugs you can take to take away all of your feelings and emotions but this is not a fix. If you are sexually attracted to a CHILD you are damaged and demented and I would bet all my money you were sexually, mentally, and physically abused as a child.
How about we set all these pedophiles and "theoretic pedophiles" down and try and heal what happened to them so they are not inclined to relive the abuse and trauma done to them onto countless children? If you even think about sex with a child there is nothing to keep you from acting on that impulse except fear of being caught. That will pass eventually and then you will go and terrorize children who might have a chance of living a normal life. But then you step in and stop all possible chances of that child ever being happy or normal ever again.
I am so disgusted that you are being congratulated for posting this. I am all for open mindedness but this is the most nauseating post I have ever read. Even in this day and age most children don't know what sex is. The young teenager "sex addicts" are also little girls who have been abused and any adult who wants to take advantage of that maybe should have their balls cut off. I'm going to go throw up now.
47
Ignorance is bliss. You would consider castration as a way to "fix" a pedophile so he or she can live life without abusing children? Dr. James Cantor is a fucking idiot. Why not get to the cause of what makes an ADULT attracted to a CHILD? I know there are a million drugs you can take to take away all of your feelings and emotions but this is not a fix. If you are sexually attracted to a CHILD you are damaged and demented and I would bet all my money you were sexually, mentally, and physically abused as a child.
How about we set all these pedophiles and "theoretic pedophiles" down and try and heal what happened to them so they are not inclined to relive the abuse and trauma done to them onto countless innocent children? If you even think about sex with a child there is nothing to keep you from acting on that impulse except fear of being caught. That fear will pass eventually and then you will go and terrorize children who might have had a chance of living a normal life. But then you step in and stop all possible chances of that child ever being happy or normal ever again.
I am so disgusted that you are being congratulated for posting this. I am all for open mindedness but this is the most nauseating post I have ever read. Even in this day and age most children don't know what sex is. The young teenager "sex addicts" are also little girls who have been abused and any adult who wants to take advantage of that maybe should have their balls cut off. Hands too, shit why stop there, lets gauge out your eyes as well. Ignorance. I'm going to go throw up now.
48
As someone who was sexually abused as a preteen (although my abuser was not so much a true pedophile as a sexual opportunist), I find it difficult to respond to KIW's plight as sympathetically as other readers seem to have done. Yes, I get that he hasn't actually acted on his desires, and I truly appreciate his restraint -- but I admit that when I read his letter, my first, visceral reaction was "This man wants to have sex with children. This man is the ENEMY." I know that this isn't exactly a fair response, but there you have it.

On a related note, speaking as a veteran of many years of therapy, I'd suggest that the right therapist might help KIW somewhat. (Of course, the wrong therapist might leave him even unhappier than he was when he started.) Obviously, therapy isn't going to magically eradicate his desire for children, but it might help him find ways to gain sexual and emotional fulfillment that don't involve children (or at least help him score some libido-dampening anti-depressants).

My advice to KIW: don't do it. Don't ever do it. I know you've worked this out for yourself already, but it bears repeating. If you abuse a child (and make no mistake: anything sexual that you do with a child *will* be abuse), you will be causing that child years of heartache.
49
The concept of prevention has turned into preventive attack. Meaning attacking potential offender into not having any capability to defend itself.

The same thing happens to the paedophile. Immediate recognition is equal to "stone me to death". It doesn't matter if that particular person is 'bad' or 'good' just like 'normal' human with the potential of raping or not.

I am not a god, and I am not divine being. I cannot be a judge to decide either being paedophile is a demon or not, however, as a human, I can only condemn someone for his/her actions.

As long as no one is harmed, for this discussion, no children are 'touched', violated or forced into unconsentable actions, who are we to decide?

50
Thank you, KathleenD for introducing me to the term pearl clutching

Also, I think you nailed the flaw in dexters mom's straw argument of the Conservative Christian right. It is logically dangerous to equate a paraphilia that can be expressed safely with consenting adults to one that requires an emotional, physical or legal violation of someone who cannot or will not consent. As is being established through the marital debates in this nation, proof‡ of harm has not been established from homosexual activity, where it is clear in (active) pedophilia.

Tsunade, even if we started developing a full line of Roxxxys, it's going to be a while before society becomes capable of separating indulgence in kink fantasy with predisposition to act on it in reality. As the Wikipedia article for ageplay notes, Second Life now restricts folks from using childlike avatars in virtual sex, equating it to child pornography. Similarly, many countries ban Simpsons porn featuring Bart or Lisa, on the basis that they are cartoon children.

Incidentally, contemporary treatment of mental illness, whether a compulsive paraphilia or major depression or generalized anxiety disorder is never so much about curing a condition as managing it. This is one of the primary differences I've witnessed between common recovery and treatment models and reparative therapy; reparative therapies (along with many unproven medical practices) offer to cure, whereas effective treatments provide tools to manage, which assist a subject in evolving from a survival lifestyle model to a thrival one.

As Dan as noted, nothing can cure the gay, but any behavior can be reinforced or extincted, and this is where the controversy comes in. In a totalitarian state, we could round up our gays (and, while we're at it, all other deviants) and process them all into clockwork oranges‡‡ via classical conditioning. In so doing, we'd be denying them their inalienable rights to free will, and to self determination. The prospect of fixing every deviance from society is a dangerous one, indeed.

This is why we need consistent parameters to determine what kind of behaviors to treat, hence the danger to self or others paradigm. KIW makes it clear that he's not a danger to himself or others. I inferred that he's sexually frustrated, hence even willing to try chemical solutions (some of which do work for some people). But hence it's rather disheartening in this sex-positive environment, that many, including Dan, still assume that he's in danger of acting on his desires.‡‡‡

Thank you, Kim. Yeah, interesting times, these.

‡ In this case, preponderance of evidence.

‡‡ Or, if you prefer, clockworks orange, which were apparently queer before three-dollar bills.

‡‡‡ This from a community who is quite conscious of how their own paraphilia is confused with lack of self control. I do have to respect, though, that Dan needs to cover his tight glutei from litigation that might occur from someone following risky advice and consequentially making news.

PS: For what it's worth, I'm disinclined to recommend someone to classical Freudian psychoanalysis until it is the last thing yet to be tried. It's expensive (you're paying for a lot of letters in front of your doctor's name) and PA usually takes years to make any substantial progress. A desire to change and a bit of proactivity can go a long way with Cognitive Behavior Therapy or mainstream psychotherapy.
51
Jesus. "If you even think about sex with a child there is nothing to keep you from acting on that impulse except fear of being caught." How about your own moral boundaries? And as for "Why not get to the cause of what makes an ADULT attracted to a CHILD?If you are sexually attracted to a CHILD you are damaged and demented and I would bet all my money you were sexually, mentally, and physically abused as a child. " Replace "child" with "a person of the same sex" and it begins to sound awfully familiar. Not that homosexuality has ever been cured that way, or any way, but don't let reality make you re-examine your position.
52
@the_minority_opinion:

Believe me, I have no sympathy for active child molesters, and I'm not about to start a petition to have KIW named "Man of the Year," but I think you're being more than a little unfair (and incoherent).

Human sexuality is a tricky thing. A disproportionate number of pedophiles were abused as children themselves, but this isn't the case for all of them. And even if a paraphilia is the result of childhood trauma, it's still a deeply ingrained part of the psyche -- not such an easy thing to get rid of.

KIW is in a tough place. Could I be friends with him, knowing what I know about him? No (although I'm not suggesting that he doesn't deserve friends; I'm just saying that I, personally, couldn't handle it). Would I leave him alone with any of my young cousins/nephews/nieces? Not in a million years. But he deserves real credit for not acting on his desires; after all, it's not as if he chose to be attracted to children, anymore than you chose to be attracted to whomever you're attracted to.
53
KIW - I would ***NOT*** tell anyone about this desire you have. In our society you will be arrested and outcast. I was sexually and physically abused by my father as a child. I got the courage to tell someone at the age of 15, finally something happened. My Dad was arrested, child protective services split the family up, legally required psychiatric sessions, all good things that needed to be done. I am not a lawyer, but by law, child abuse must be reported. A good therapist will report you, regardless. The question will always be in the back of their mind, did you ever cross that line with a child or not?
55
Definitely NO babysitting! Kids are so physical and drape themselves all over friendly adults! Most adult women are aware of personal space boundaries between people and don't unself-consciously cuddle up next to the person who is reading them a story or charge at their fellow adults with huge grappling body hugs or roll around on the floor begging to be tickled! Why would someone who is trying to be a 'good pedophile' even think about putting themselves in the situation of being alone with children who are affectionate and want play? I don't think the guy is being completely honest here. Babysitting while being a good pedophile seems more like going to a strip club with lap dances than just being alone in a room with adult women.
56
Uriel @ 50,

You had never been introduced to the term "pearl clutching"? I'm charmed to learn that.

You are aware that you and I have both interacted with one of SLOGs more well known pearl clutchers. Pearl clutching is much sweeter than calling someone a fear filled goose, in my opinion. For me, it invokes the image of some frail damsel fanning herself and clutching her pearls as she swoons from the shock of it all, her skin all glazed like a powdered donut because the humidity has dampened her morning talc. It helps to ease the situation and make me smile.

If you are in need of another virtual hug, let me know.

I wish you peace.
57
For everyone discussing age of consent vs. sexual and emotional maturity, here's a global map of AoC laws: File:Age_of_Consent-2009-28-04.png">http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:A…

In the US, AoC is 16-18 depending on state laws (and sometimes the age of the partner). Looks like it's 16 for Washington, in particular. (In depth discussion at the main article here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ages_of_con… )

58
What about cognitive behavioural therapy for KIW? It's been helpful for so many other kinds of mental disorders, personality issues, and addictions.
59
Between Dan and the more intelligent commenters (which I think includes most of the registered Slog-comment crew), I think we've got KIW sorted out: Stay away from kids, get a little therapy, consider taking some hormones to take the edge off, and finally, know that at least some people respect you for recognizing your problem and consciously working to counter it. Uriel, I haven't figured out what your situation is yet - maybe I'm just dim.

But what about the connection between ascetic religiosity and masochism? There's some fertile fields there, fellas and fillies. Start plowin'!
60
Thank you @21 for raising that. And you know Dan wrote that on purpose. Twice. And still only two of us got it.
61
Fascinating topic. I don't feel I'm in a position to speak on it, but I can't tell you all how pleased I am to see so much thoughtful and well-reasoned argument on the subject. I didn't think this sort of debate existed on the Internet anymore. ;D

#46 said, "If you even think about sex with a child there is nothing to keep you from acting on that impulse except fear of being caught."

This is the same argument that tells us atheists that there is nothing to keep us from committing every atrocity under the sun... since we have no fear of a vengeful god or an eternity of suffering after death, we should have no reason not to pillage and plunder all we like. But it simply isn't the case... there is something to keep people from acting in a manner that is detrimental to the health of their society and their fellows. By your logic, we are all one step away from killing our neighbors, robbing a liquor store, raping a passerby... and all that stops us is the presence of a criminal justice system. By your logic, we are all sociopaths.

Compassion, consideration and morality aren't values that come from fear. They're values that come from love for your people, your kin and yourself.
62
I think it's a mistake for this guy to try to date a young-looking 18-year-old or anyone for that matter, for two reasons:

1- It could never be a relationship based on honesty and trust, because if he told him/her the truth he'd be immediately rejected. So it would have to be a relationship based on a lie, and that would be just as unethical as a gay man marrying a woman in order to keep himself in the closet.

2- If we're talking about a woman, she could get pregnant and then what?! That would be a disaster.

Although sexual relationships are part of most people's lives, they are not part of everyone's lives. You don't HAVE to have sex or a relationship. There are people who choose to be celibate and are happy with it. (Others are celibate only because they can't find a partner but even some of those people can find happiness in other avenues of life.) It may not be a normal life, but we're not talking about a normal person. If ever there was a good reason to be a lifelong celibate, sexual attraction to kids is it.

This guy should avoid all children and ask to be castrated. Or at least take birth control pills - they can be obtained online.

Also, keep in mind that the "bad" pedophiles have an extremely high recidivism rate compared to other criminals. This indicates that there is something about this problem that is qualitatively different - you can't expect even "good" pedophiles to be able to fantasize without crossing the line into acting on it. Notice even this guy is not entirely honest because he's already acting out his fantasies by choosing to babysit kids knowing that he has this problem. After all, he could have said no!

The only solution is for him to remove his sex drive as much as possible and to focus on non-sexual facets of life.
63
@48, I wholeheartedly concur with the advice you ended your comment with, but I was not struck with the same "OMG! Kill It With FIRE!" feeling that you were, upon reading KIW's letter.

As a victim of childhood sexual abuse (by someone who was definitely a pedo), I think Dan's compassionate response was appropriate & I am glad that he published the letter.

The stigma behind talking about those urges, I believe, contributes a great deal to those who act out on them. It is the *only* outlet they have if they don't have a professional therapist to confide in, and I can only begin to comprehend battling such an urge.

We do not protect children by burying our heads in the sand & not recognizing the fact that a law is not broken until an action is taken.

I've thought about killing people, but that doesn't make me a murderer. Anyone who has ever thought of doing something like stealing, hurting or killing someone & then laughed off the fantasy probably has a diluted appreciation for what KIW is going through. Empathy is always good, and that empathy (knowing how it will harm the children he's attracted to & impact their families) is exactly why KIW has not acted on their attractions. More power to him for having the guts to speak up.

If my abuser had sought help before acting on his impulses, I would have hoped he found professional & compassionate acceptance by those he confided in. Instead he kept those urges to himself for numerous reasons & acted on them. If only people with those feelings didn't feel like their life would be in danger by seeking help, maybe more of them would deal with them before acting on them.
64
I also think KIW should find a trustworthy therapist. Let's remember that you can't be arrested for something you have thought, only something you have done. It is not illegal to be a pedophile, but it is illegal to act on it.

KIW might also try contacting his local Circles of Support and Accountability. This is a network of people who help sex offenders to live offence-free lives and move away from abuse. Also spot early warning signs and inform the authorities.

In the UK, a child protection charity called the Lucy Faithfull Foundation works with perpetrators. They run a helpline for people troubled by thoughts and impulses to abuse children. They can recommend a therapist with experience in helping abusers cope with their impulses.

There are people who can listen, who won't panic if you describe feelings like this. That's not the same as tolerating child abuse.
65
If a man is a man, he is a man out of control.
If he is a man out of control, he will not limit himself to one option.
He will not limit himself to one option, and if he has an object of attraction, he will risk being labeled.
But to avoid being labeled he should not take risks.
You can't say he shouldn't be a man, though.
66
"Good pedophiles"????

Gimme a fucking break!
67
@63:

***I was not struck with the same "OMG! Kill It With FIRE!" feeling that you were, upon reading KIW's letter.***

My feeling wasn't so much "OMG! Kill it with FIRE!" as it was "My personal experience with people who want to have sex with children has been terrible and traumatizing; therefore, I dislike *all* people who want to have sex with children, and I while I recognize that this isn't completely fair to KIW and other non-practicing pedophiles, I think I've earned my right to this particular prejudice."

Again, I don't think KIW should be imprisoned, mutilated, or subjected to any of the various punishments suggested by the ever-charming the_minority_opinion. But if I ever met KIW in real life (and somehow knew him to be the writer of this letter), I don't think I could manage to be anything more than cordial. I certainly wouldn't sit down and chat, or invite him to my next pizza-and-beer night, or give him a hug and tell him how brave he was.
68
"Chemical castration" is an overstatement and a cruel term. It is just a matter of taking drugs that temporarily suppress testosterone production, a little or a lot, depending on what you want to accomplish. I went without testosterone for a while due to an undiagnosed pituitary problem. The truth was that it wasn't that bad. I simply stopped having sexual urges, and because I didn't have the inclination, I didn't miss sex or the obsession with sex I usually walk around with all day. I had a productive, happy life without testosterone, and KIW can, too. It's worth a try.
69
@55:

Kids are so physical and drape themselves all over friendly adults!

Very, very true.

And even when children get past the unselfconscious-cuddling phase, they're often still very eager to please, particularly when it comes to unrelated adults who treat them like "one of the grown-ups." They want to prove that they're cool and smart and mature and all that, and like Clever Hans, they'll often pick up on non-verbal cues.

Actually, I think KIW's analogy between leaving a pedophile alone with children and leaving a heterosexual male alone with women is fundamentally flawed. Most heterosexual men want their partners to want sex, and knowingly and sincerely consent to it. Happily, adult women are entirely capable of providing meaningful consent, and so most heterosexual encounters are not rape (whatever Andrea Dworkin might say to the contrary).

Pedophiles, too, may want genuine consent from the objects of their desire, but it just isn't possible in the real world. If a pedophile translates his fantasies into reality, he will necessarily, unavoidably be committing rape. In this sense, leaving a pedophile alone with a child is like leaving a heterosexual man who happens to be a rape fetishist alone with a woman. An extremely vulnerable, naive, physically weak woman who is essentially trapped in the house.

Bottom line: a responsible pedophile should know better than to babysit. The potential for disaster is just far too high.
70
"And it is not that surprising that most pedophiles were themselves abused as children."

Just want to dispel the above myth. Research shows that when pedophiles are interviewed they overwhelmingly report a history of sexual abuse as a child. When THE SAME pedophiles are interviewed, and told that what they say in the interview will be confirmed with a ploygraph test, the reports of sexual abuse as a child decreased significantly!!!

A Pedophile certainly might have been abused, but it is also very likely,(as evidemced by the above noted research) that Pedophiles say that they were abused, even when they werent, in order to engender sympathy.
71
My sister was molested by a very close family friend when she was twelve, and my mother suffered years of abuse at the hands of an uncle. I am trying very hard to look at KIW with some sort of compassion and respect for admitting his desire for children and reaching out for help, but it's extremely difficult. Some of the above letters make me nervous--I would NEVER put homosexuality and pedophilia both under the category of alternative sexualities. AS some other readers have stressed, the key difference between these is consent. Children and adolescents are sexual beings, and we shouldn't deny that. But a pedophile, like a rapist, is more attracted to the ideas of power and domination and perceived ideas of taking "innocence" or virtue". I do very much commend KIW on reaching out for help, and I truly wish him the best, both for childrens' sakes and his own. But I think it is abhorrent to equivocate the desire for children with the desire for the same sex, or to suggest that they face the same "demonization" in the media and society at large. Right-wing bigots shout about a connection, and they are disgusting and wrong, but I don't want to see people become so sympathetic to pedos because "they suffer like a gay person does.
72
This letter reminded me of a couple I knew where the "Daddy" was a large bearish man who's 24 year old submissive partner was very small framed and was made to wear little boy clothes and keep his body hair shaved (which is not all that uncommon for a submissive, depending on the relationship). When I first met them I felt very uncomfortable about this and had to examine my feelings about it. In doing this I realized what a double standard there is between gay and straight people. I remember when Britney Spears had that video where she was dressed like a school girl and how many people openly talked about how sexy it was. And when the Olsen twins turned 18 I remember lots of straight guys talking about how excited they were that they were finally legal, which leads one to believe the fantasy thoughts had already been formed. So, if this is acceptable behavior by society, why is it when gay men act the same way with other men, getting excited over the members of boy bands or, in the case of the couple mentioned earlier, having one take on the role of a much younger male, is this considered sick and wrong? And I realized that my discomfort over this was really messed up because here were two consenting adult men adding an element of fantasy to their relationship and nobody was getting hurt. And being the out and proud perverted kinkster that I am, I was really shocked at my own initial feelings over this.

So maybe this could be something that KIW could get into and by looking in the kink community might find others who wouldn't be so turned off by the idea of such role play.
73
Poor KIW. I think it would be worth his while to try to find a therapist who can actually help him. My issues with depression and anxiety are mild compared to his problems, but I know the first and even second and third therapists I saw I didn't click with for one reason or another. Finding one who can really help you takes time and patience. I also believe that all people, no matter what paraphilia they may be affected by, deserve sexual fulfillment. It's such a huge instinct and a part of life that I find it cruel to say his only option is to repress his desires. A lot of prostitutes--sex therapists--cater to these kinds of needs. Once again, finding one you like can take a lot of time and patience, but is ultimately worth it. Find one with a flat chest and child-like features who is over 18. As an aunt and a caretaker of several small children, I can definitely, definitely sympathize with friends of his who have children. There are few things I feel more passionately about than the protection of children, and I know that instinct is only stronger in people with children of their own. So I don't think they're bad people for not wanting him around their kids, just protective parents. However I also think he could find a lot of comfort and acceptance in other friends or family members--those WITHOUT young children--who would react in much the same way that I, and a lot of other commenters here, have been reacting: with sympathy and understanding. Even having one loved one who knows you for who you truly are and stands by you anyway can be so cathartic.
74
Oddly, KIW's dilemma made me think of a criminal case in Arizona and Oklahoma a couple years back, where a boyish-looking ex-convict in his late 20's shaved off his body hair and successfully posed as a 12-year old boy for quite some time - he lived with and deceived two older pedophiles who believed that they had struck gold by finding an adolescent with no family who liked sex with older men. Apparently they were quite upset to discover that their "boy" was actually almost 30 years old ...

http://www.kpho.com/news/19468381/detail…

So perhaps the idea of KIW finding someone of legal age but youthful-looking and willing is not totally impossible? (I'd recommend against convicted felons, though.)
75
Oddly, this makes me think of a criminal case in Arizona and Oklahoma a couple years back, where an ex-convict in his late 20's shaved off his body hair and successfully posed as a 12-year old for quite some time - he lived with two older pedophiles who believed that they had struck gold by finding a adolescent who liked sex with older men. Apparently they were quite upset to discover that their "boy" was actually almost 30 years old ...

http://www.kpho.com/news/19468381/detail…

So perhaps the idea of KIW finding someone youthful-looking and willing is not totally impossible? (I'd recommend against convicted felons, though.)
76
Oddly, KIW's dilemma made me think of a criminal case in Arizona and Oklahoma a couple years back, where an ex-convict in his late 20's shaved off his body hair and successfully posed as a 12-year old for quite some time - he lived with two older pedophiles who believed that they had struck gold by finding a adolescent who liked sex with older men. Apparently they were quite upset to discover that their "boy" was actually almost 30 years old and had been playing them from Minute One ...

http://www.kpho.com/news/19468381/detail…

So perhaps the idea of KIW finding someone youthful-looking and willing is not totally impossible? (I'd recommend against convicted felons, though.)
77
Oddly, KIW's dilemma made me think of a criminal case in Arizona and Oklahoma a couple years back, where an ex-convict in his late 20's shaved off his body hair and successfully posed as a 12-year old for quite some time - he lived with two older pedophiles who believed that they had struck gold by finding a adolescent who liked sex with older men. Apparently they were quite upset to discover that their "boy" was actually almost 30 years old and had been playing them from Minute One ...

http://www.kpho.com/news/19468381/detail…

So perhaps the idea of KIW finding someone youthful-looking and willing is not totally impossible? (I'd recommend against convicted felons, though.)
78
Oops, sorry for the multiple posts! The browser kept freezing, so I kept trying to get the post to go through. Sorry again.
79
I don't wish to conflate the subject matter of the two letters to too great a degree, but I wonder how many of those in KIW's unfortunate circumstances themselves went to seminary and became priests--hoping to avoid expression of their sexual urges. We know how that turned out--the Roman Catholic Church has paid out billions of dollars in personal injury awards or settlements because it was unable or unwilling to keep its employees out of its children.

It is galling to think that an organization that has acquiesced in child sexual abuse seeks, not only to manage its parishoners' sex lives regarding reproduction (or avoidance of reproduction), but to influence governmental officials to regulate adult citizens' right to engage privately in sexual conduct, for no good reason other than that The Man In The Pointy Hat says so.

This column popularized the use of "Santorum" as a pejorative. Perhaps the Roman Catholic Church should be tarred with the acronym "RoCaMBLA"--the Roman Catholic Man-Boy Licentiousness Association. (Don't call it love.)
80
KIW: maybe before chemical castration try a good dose of an antidepressant like prozac or paxil. They have tons of sexual side effects for many (maybe even most) people like significantly reduced libido, erectile dysfunction and inability to orgasm. And it doesn't put you at any risk of outing yourself (and possibly getting reported) when you speak to your doctor. All you have to say is that you feel quite depressed or anxious.
81
I don't wish to conflate the subject matter of the two letters to too great a degree, but I wonder how many of those in KIW's unfortunate circumstances themselves went to seminary and became priests--hoping to avoid expression of their sexual urges. We know how that turned out--the Roman Catholic Church has paid out billions of dollars in personal injury awards or settlements because it was unable or unwilling to keep its employees out of its children.

It is galling to think that an organization that has acquiesced in child sexual abuse seeks, not only to manage its parishoners' sex lives regarding reproduction (or avoidance of reproduction), but to influence governmental officials to regulate adult citizens' right to engage privately in sexual conduct, for no good reason other than that The Man In The Pointy Hat says so.

This column popularized the use of "Santorum" as a pejorative. Perhaps the Roman Catholic Church should be tarred with the acronym "RoCaMBLA"--the Roman Catholic Man-Boy Licentiousness Association. (Don't call it love.)
82
To Mattise @ 70:
Not sure where your information comes from, and in any case you may be dealing only with pedophiles who were caught and about to spend time, lots of time, in jail. Considering the double, often shameful and in-denial lives they have lived, it is not surprising that they will lie in order to get sympathy and maybe a reduced sentence.

I heard quite a few people with pedophiliac tendencies tell their stories, and many of them reported traumatic events in their lives that may have shaped some of their sexual preferences. Another thing to remember is that a trauma is in the eye of the traumatized. Those who inflict it may see things differently, maybe even deny it altogether for the reasons mentioned above.

Pup Don @ 72:
I somewhat agree with you. Despite being a cross dresser and into lingerie I noticed that in recent years Victoria's Secret catalogues look more and more like a "legit" child pornography. Despite assuming that this is done mainly because most of their clients are teenage girls and young women, I felt uncomfortable about all this and asked to be removed from their mailing list.
83
Given the prevalence of lolicon and shoutacon (stories involving young girls and boys respectively) in manga [Japanese comics], I've long suspected that pedophilic desires are more common in people than the rest of society is aware of or cares to know. Likely, other cultures are just more upfront about it. The question is, how many pedophiles never act on their urges, and how many do?

Even if they don't, just mentioning their desires to friends and family is enough to make them an outcast, and deny them any help, if they can actually be cured in the first place.
While all forms of real-life child pornography should be banned forever, perhaps letting people feel free to read or view simulated child porn, without stigma, should be encouraged.

After all, most of us have had dark (sexual and/or violent) at some time or another. We watch horror movies with gore and rape, and are not expected to enact what we watch. Largely, we don't. It may be that for most people, watching violence is cathartic. Maybe we should stop automatically assuming that anyone that wants to view or read stories of illegal acts, wants to do so in real life, and that for some, it can be the only release they have.

84
Given the prevalence of lolicon and shoutacon (stories involving young girls and boys respectively) in manga [Japanese comics], I've long suspected that pedophilic desires are more common in people than the rest of society is aware of or cares to know. Likely, other cultures are just more upfront about it. The question is, how many pedophiles never act on their urges, and how many do?

Even if they don't, just mentioning their desires to friends and family is enough to make them an outcast, and deny them any help, if they can actually be cured in the first place.
While all forms of real-life child pornography should be banned forever, perhaps letting people feel free to read or view simulated child porn, without stigma, should be encouraged.

After all, most of us have had dark (sexual and/or violent) at some time or another. We watch horror movies with gore and rape, and are not expected to enact what we watch. Largely, we don't. It may be that for most people, watching violence is cathartic. Maybe we should stop automatically assuming that anyone that wants to view or read stories of illegal acts, wants to do so in real life, and that for some, it can be the only release they have.

85
>I believe pedophilia is a sexual orientation too.

I don't agree. There are clear biological, evolutionary reasons why someone would find an adult human attractive. Sometimes a person happens to have the opposite attraction switched on - hence a gay man finds another man attractive, or a lesbian fancies female humans. Just as with transgenderism, the opposite gender brain is stuck in the "wrong" body.

But whatever brain mis-wiring causes paedophilia, I do not think we should be putting it up on a level with heterosexuality and homosexuality. There is no biological reason to find a pre-pubescent human attractive, particularly a small child.

Finding *young* adults attractive - eg 13/14/15 year olds who are post-pubescent - I wouldn't class this as paedophilia. It's just no longer culturally acceptable in most advanced societies, because we now recognise that it is generally emotionally and often physically damaging for a much younger person to be involved with an older adult, regardless of the younger person's ability to bear children.

What I find interesting with paedophilia is the sense of compulsion. Take a heterosexual man who hasn't managed to score with a woman for some time. Does he feel compelled to touch women against their will? And how many heterosexual men (and women) are there who have reasonably average-to-low libidos and manage quite fine without sex, and don't even feel the need to masturbate? There are plenty of people in that category. They probably don't read Dan's column, but they do exist, and you read about them in other places.

Just seems from what I've read that paedophilia is accompanied by a higher-than-average sexual urge and sense of compulsion.
86
I'm a fan of erotic art with guro or monster rape subject matter. Obviously I can't have sex involving demons or mutilation in real life (nor do I want to). I've always just seen it as harmless fantasy and nothing more, kind of like vanilla folks lusting after a celebrity they'll never meet.

The idea of kiddie porn is revolting to me, but I think it's reasonable to let pedo folks relieve their frustrations (with drawn, CG, etc. stuff that involved no actual children in the making). As long as it stays in the realm of fantasy, I think people should have the right to fap to whatever gets them off. Even if it's something horrifying to a lot of people, such as gore, pedophilia, bestiality, or Ann Coulter. Otherwise, we're headed towards thought crime.

If KIW has any sexual interests that could be done with consenting adults, I would encourage that. Babysitting is probably a bad idea, but that really depends on how KIW feels towards the kids in question. He definitely shouldn't be a sitter if he finds any of them attractive, to be safe. The analogy of leaving him alone with adult women doesn't quite work, because adults have a better sense of boundaries than children and are much more able and likely to stop you if you go too far.
87
@Vampire seal

What you're sort of sliding over in referencing Japanese culture is that in terms of human sexuality, the culture has some MAJOR issues that cause a lot of problems. And while all of us have dark desires, some sexual and some pedestrian, societies that indulge in certain behaviors do NOT last. Child abuse/use of children as sexual objects is one of those behaviors. The example I'm pointing to is the Roman Empire. Along with its decadence and excess, it also indulged far too heavily in its dark desires, and came crashing down as a result.*

Frankly, as an anthropologist specializing in Japan, there aren't a lot of encouraging signs that Japan is dealing with issues like pedophila in a healthy or open way.

*Fanatic Christians would have you believe homosexuality somehow contributed to the fall of Rome, but they're dead wrong. Homosexuality was not only commonplace but relatively accepted among early Christians (John Boswell, "Christianity, Social Tolerance and Homosexuality: Gay People in Western Europe from the Beginning of the Christian Era to the Fourteenth Century) and wasn't even fingered as a scapegoat issue for the empire's collapse until bigotry against gays was already firmly entrenched in Europe.
88
Dan, I really appreciated your humane and sensible response to KIW. This isn't a subject we hear much about, since we tend to only hear about pedophiles when they've done something wrong, and thus assume that they're all horrible, unspeakable people. But we have little to no control over whom we're attracted to.

Just wanted to add: This man could consider looking at porn that's in the form of fictional stories, rather than photos or videos. Making this kind of porn doesn't involve any real kids, and as far as I know it's never illegal to look at a written text, no matter how perverse its content. It's hard to go through life with no sexual outlet of any kind, so this was the thought that struck me on reading his letter.
89
@Vampire seal

What you're sort of sliding over in referencing Japanese culture is that in terms of human sexuality, the culture has some MAJOR issues that cause a lot of problems. And while all of us have dark desires, some sexual and some pedestrian, societies that indulge in certain behaviors do NOT last. Child abuse/use of children as sexual objects is one of those behaviors. The example I'm pointing to is the Roman Empire. Along with its decadence and excess, it also indulged far too heavily in its dark desires, and came crashing down as a result.*

Frankly, as an anthropologist specializing in Japan, there aren't a lot of encouraging signs that Japan is dealing with issues like pedophila in a healthy or open way.

*Fanatic Christians would have you believe homosexuality somehow contributed to the fall of Rome, but they're dead wrong. Homosexuality was not only commonplace but relatively accepted among early Christians (John Boswell, "Christianity, Social Tolerance and Homosexuality: Gay People in Western Europe from the Beginning of the Christian Era to the Fourteenth Century) and wasn't even fingered as a scapegoat issue for the empire's collapse until bigotry against gays was already firmly entrenched in Europe.
90
@83/84- Some consumers of loli/shota manga place themselves into the story as the kid (men with fantasies of being a schoolboy and having sex with a teacher, for example.) Kind of like people who visualize rape fantasies from the victim's side.

It's hard to judge what exactly gets a person off based on their porn collection sometimes.
91
Coraggio! Uriel, 14, here and elsewhere. We are all more alike than different.

You have a finely tuned moral sense, and the will to match it. My hope is that you find an ethical and safe place to be authentic. Take care!
92
When I was 7, maybe 8 yr old boy, a 16 yr old male relative stayed with my family for a few weeks, sleeping in the same bed as me. Progressively, night by night we engaged in sexual acts (starting with massages then moving to blowjobs and front on front fucking of some kind). I was a pretty willing participant, I guess (never initiated but didn't resist). I don't think it fucked me up too much. I did confront him when I saw him at my mother's funeral several years ago though (30 years after the fact). Does this qualify as sexual abuse? I was willing, but I mean I was only 7, but he was only 16 too?

Not that it's relevant, but after some confusion in my early 20s, I veered towards a hetero orientation.
93
@ #72 (and #39) Is KIW gay? If so, PupDon may have an answer for him. Would his needs be met by a Daddy/Boy fantasy relationship, with or without BDSM? That would certainly be better than a celibate life filled with dangerous temptations and dubious pharmacological experiments. (He would still have to avoid children and pretend--like Auntie Larrie's sister--not to like them, and he would have to take responsibility for the welfare of his submissive partner. Could he do those things for the sake of inner peace?)
94
Criminal pedophiles' brains are significantly different from other criminals' brains. I don't know if this would apply to non-criminal pedophiles, or if the different wiring could be due to abuse as children.

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/200…
95
The internet is filled with 18-year-old-girls porn. Why 18? Why not 20, 22, or 25? Because obviously there is demand for the "barely legal". This is not pedophilia per se, but there's clearly some obsession with age going on.
KIW, presumably, lives in the US. Whatever his deal is, there's got to be a support group (or two) for people in precisely his situation who can help. He just needs to find it.
96
It is so nice and refreshing to see a few people who can think for themselves a bit, and don't see 'pedophile' and immediately think 'monster.' It really is a huge step up from the typical treatment we are given in the media, but I very strongly disagree with Mr. Savage's call for "treatment." We aren't sick, we aren't diseased, we don't need to be changed into "normal" people (just as gays did not need to be turned into straight men and women). Yes, I am a pedophile (and to the reader of this post: so is someone you know and care about, maybe even your own son or daughter). I've known this since I was about 11 (and found myself drawn to much younger girls while all my peers were interested in each other), but it took years for me to accept myself. Self-hatred and denial prevailed for a long time - all I ever heard was that the only people who felt this way were monsters destined to hurt kids. That wasn't me and never will be. I cannot even fathom what would make a person want to harm a child. The very thought is just utterly revolting.

I'll respond to #85 specifically. Hopefully this will be enlightening to some of those reading this.

"But whatever brain mis-wiring causes paedophilia, I do not think we should be putting it up on a level with heterosexuality and homosexuality. There is no biological reason to find a pre-pubescent human attractive, particularly a small child."

A reason has not been found because a reason is not sought by mainstream academia. But here are a few facts: between 0.5-7% of the population are pedophiles (meaning preferential attraction to prepubescent children, encompassing emotional, spiritual, social, and sexual aspects); honest studies of pedophiles shows no significant difference from the 'normal' population save for a higher level of introversion - that is, pedophilia simply does not meet the criteria for a mental illness; many 'normal' people have some degree of attraction to prepubescent children; it is NOT just sexual attraction, I, like many pedophiles, feel a very strong emotional and social attachment to kids and can and do fall in love with kids; most pedophiles are not exclusive, that is they also feel some attraction towards adults; most pedophiles like myself never break the law; and finally, a large majority child molesters are not actually pedophiles - the biggest group of people by far that are abusing kids (something I could NEVER do) in every way are crappy parents. Why is it that they seem to never get mentioned? Please see www.b4uact.org - an organization looking to end the stigmatization and hatred that pedophiles like myself face our entire lives. I should also mention that most pedophile end up hating themselves and are in denial for their entire lives because of what society claims they are (an evil monster... this isn't true!). How is this a good thing?

"Finding *young* adults attractive - eg 13/14/15 year olds who are post-pubescent - I wouldn't class this as paedophilia."

And you would be right to make the distinction. Preferential attraction to such young adults is called hebephilia.

"It's just no longer culturally acceptable in most advanced societies, because we now recognise that it is generally emotionally and often physically damaging for a much younger person to be involved with an older adult, regardless of the younger person's ability to bear children."

There is a substantial risk of physical harm with prepubescent kids engaging in penetrative sex acts with adults. This is the one argument that holds water, because the sexual organs are not yet fully developed and therefore cannot be expected to handle penetrative sex with an adult safely. The sexual desires of most pedophiles do not ever include such acts, however. I certainly never could think of doing something like that with a child (if a sexual relationship were possible, which it won't be in my lifetime), first because I simply don't desire to do penetrative sex at all, and secondly becuase the risk of physical harm is just too great. I don't know if I can explain it too well to non-pedophiles, but the sexual desires I have with little girls are more "childish" in nature. Basically what I desire is similar to what the typical kid desires, which is quite different than what "normal" adults desire.

I would argue that emotional harm comes from societal reaction to a consensual (I would NEVER support or condone any non-consensual relationship, period) sexual relationship between an adult and child (and this negative reaction isn't going to change in any of our lifetimes). There is no reason that emotional harm would result from a consensual relationship without negative societal reactions to it. This plus the relationship being illegal in the first place is why I, like most pedophiles, choose celibacy. It is simply unbearable to think that a little girl I loved could be hurt because of what society would think. So it is best to completely avoid that situation entirely.

"What I find interesting with paedophilia is the sense of compulsion. Take a heterosexual man who hasn't managed to score with a woman for some time. Does he feel compelled to touch women against their will?"

I would NEVER do anything against a child's will. Neither would most pedophiles. I don't and never will support anything that forces a child to do something against their will (within reason for very young children, where I think parents do have an obligation to ensure that kids have good hygiene and similar things). It is far better for the kids themselves to be empowered to make independent and good decisions for themselves (within reason for very young children).

Finally, let me stress that pedophilia is NOT just sexual desire for kids, like is often incorrectly claimed. It is a general attraction towards them, and it includes emotional and social attraction towards children. Sexual activity isn't possible, and won't be in my lifetime. That's OK. But friendships are possible, and I just cannot describe the joy of making a little girl laugh, or seeing her so excited to share something that she has just learned with me, or other things like this.
97
Dan's response to KIW is indeed nice. But I would have instantly thought something very similar. Isn't it just obvious that KIW shouldn't be treated with disdain? He's never done anything wrong that he can help. It's that simple.

As for the baby-sitting, why torture yourself and feed desires that you know you shouldn't act on? If it were me, I'd imagine that being like a heroine addict wanting someone to wave a needle in front of their face for an hour a day. Okay, well maybe not heroine. How about... a fat guy and a tub of Ben and Jerry's?
98
I don't know if anyone has suggested this yet, but I would think if this guy wants some kind of psychological/psychiatric treatment in a safe environment, then the best thing he could do is get himself a lawyer. By that, I mean he should find a lawyer who has a record of defending sex offenders. He should make an appointment to discuss his legal rights and the obligations of a therapist/psychiatrist/psychologist in his particular state. Then he should ask for a list of such folks that the defense lawyer can recommend as being trustworthy individuals who will not "out" him to the authorities or anyone else.

I don't know if I accept that "pedophile" is a sexual identity like gay or straight. The thing that all straight and LGBT relationships hold the potential for is a mutually supportive partnership (or consortium, if you're into poly) that features some sort of intellectual connection or common goals, in addition to sexual attraction. A pedophile, if theoretically allowed to have the relationship they envision, is never going to have that - the other half of the relationship is not in any way an intellectual equal or someone who can clearly articulate their desires. Kids just aren't fully realized individuals yet - they're dependents. The "relationship" is in and of itself unsustainable. Eventually that child is going to grow up and another child is going to have to take their place. To me, pedophilia is more a kink or a fetish than a bona fide sexual identity. It's about the sexual gratification of just one of the participants, because children are not generally excited about having painful sex with a hairy, smelly adult. Kinks and fetishes are NOT hardwired, in my opinion. They should be accommodated as much as possible, because fulfilling them brings pleasure to those who have them and consenting adults should be able to have the sexual satisfaction they want.
But kinks and fetishes are learned behaviors for the most part that can be relearned in my opinion. (I can trace the origins of my own fetishes right back to specific childhood experiences and personality quirks.)

As an aside, I think this is where the "Christian Right" gets confused, classifying homosexuality as a "kink" rather than a hardwired orientation. And I think those "reformed" gays they trot out are generally confused individuals who are either violently suppressing their sexual orientation or were confused by their fetish-related desires (look how many straight guys have written to Savage asking if their love of ass-play with their girlfriends meant they were gay).

But since I view pedophilia as a kink, I strongly believe the desire driving it could be redirected. I think this guy should get himself a good psychiatrist and explore all his options. Personally, I think he should fling himself into the whole fetish/kink scene and explore other options that he might find just as fulfilling - but he should probably do so under the guidance of a therapist. I also think he should really explore why he is so attracted to individuals who could never interact with him as an equal and a partner and how his relationships are with the other adults in his life.

I don't know if this is all quite as tragic as it's being made out to be, though I have immense respect for KIW. Look, rape fantasists never get to fully realize their fantasies if they play by the rules of society - they are always screwing a person who is playing a role. There's a crapload of folks out there who are into those child-parent fantasies and whatnot, so this guy could explore that (but I think he should be approaching this with the guidance of a trusted therapist of some sort). There are legally and morally acceptable options. He just needs a safe way to explore that.
100
Yikes! Profuse apologies for the long-winded double post!
101
@ 92.
By most definitions, yes, that would be considered sexual abuse. Children that young are neither emotionally nor sexually mature enough to give consent to such an act. You were taken advantage of by someone much older, regardless of whether or not that male relative was also a minor. (In most states, he would have been over the AoC.)

To KIW and to Uriel-238, I am touched by your openness and your strength. I can only imagine the damage to the psyche one would sustain feeling sexually attracted to children, considering its current legal implications. In Greece and in Rome, it was quite common for men to have boys as sexual companions, as they were prized for their beauty, and treasured for their "inability" to produce offspring-- it was quite in vogue. Still, this is little consolation. I hope that someday you are both able to find a healthy, legal outlet for your desires. All the best.
102
Again, thank you, Kim. Yes, well-wishes are much appreciated. Part of my heightened SLOG presence today has been due to being sick in bed. It's behaving like a common head-cold, but my fever only broke about an hour ago.

Regarding my situation, fortunately the community I'm in is rather open to alternative sexualities, (and is very outing-protocol savvy). So long as no-one is getting hurt (without consent), the common sentiment seems to be that kink is kink. Damage control so far has gone well. So long as my outing doesn't leak into the workplace or to authorities, I'll escape with a handful of awkward talks over tea.
103
It's a pretty harsh prescription (as per @62) to say that KIW can never find a relationship based on honesty. Fortunately it's not true. There are plenty of adult women who are interested in daddy / daughter play, including adult teens and early twenties that are looking for someone over twice their age. And this presumes that KIW would need to go to such lengths; the sex role-play community often gets by with some modest creative costumery, a few props and a little para-theatrical preparation (if that).

Also, regarding the potentiality of pregnancy and progeny, there's contraception and even then there's Westermarck imprinting, which is really difficult to override.

Regarding physicality of children as noted by 123 and echizen_kurage, the buzz that we (id est, all of us) get from having kids climb all over us, is part of that parental drive that is felt by all mammals (even regarding the young of different species, which is why kittens and puppies are so adorable). To the contrary, anon000 some incidents of pedophilia are a merely a sexual association to these feelings, since our brains love to cross wires and make associations by pattern.

One of the tools of treatment of pedophilia is recognition that sex energy and kid energy are distinct and developed awareness that the latter is not the former, or an invitation to sexual contact. But in contrast to advisement, inactive and late-stage-recovery pedophiles can and do learn to interact appropriately with kids, even in the face of seduction by a sexualized minor. Consider that humans generally do not like to hurt those around us, especially children, and especially those for whom we have regard. Inactive pedophiles who know that prematurely sexualizing (or in the case of our dysfunctional minor, reinforcing their sexualization) is damaging often find that prospect a serious buzzkill that extinguishes ideation.

renegadebison has it right that homo sapiens as a species are intrinsically social creatures, and hence have natural moral checks on our impulses. This is demonstrated well in high-density vehicle traffic, where even reciprocal altruism fails to be a rational justification for cooperative behavior, yet we still develop social protocols by which we regard one, another. Those who suffer from Antisocial Personality Disorder (aka Sociopathy) are the exceptions, not the rule.

Really, presuming a pedophile is doomed to prey on children is like presuming that a gun enthusiast is doomed to go on a shooting spree, but the frequency and eagerness that some on this thread have shown to make this assumption is disheartening.

Regarding finding good psychological counseling, the different experiences people have had with stigmatic or extreme cases can be wildly variant. The San Francisco Department of Mental Health has a robust prevention program for extreme cases (colloquially known as the Axe Murderers and Child Molesters sector) and is not only professional about preserving confidentiality regarding one's personal records, but also has staff experienced with dealing with patients (for now called consumers) who are worse and crazier than you are. So if you're in this area, you're in luck. I definitely would be cautious, however, outing yourself prematurely to a small town shrink whose usual clients are neglected housewives.

Oh, and to dispel the media scare...