Dan, even though you didn't mention him taking any ACTIVE role in encouraging her to lose weight, telling him to date her, move in with her and THEN "set an example for her" in reality will drive him to justify saying things like: "wow, another cookie?" two months into living with her as based on your advice. (Because, really, if he has to write into Savage Love for this kind of advice he really doesn't have the mental or emotional maturity to take your advice as-given.)
By that time she'll be so financially tied to this guy that she'll put up with these snide, soul-destroying comments for another year while gaining another fifteen pounds from sheer misery before finally reaching self-esteem rock bottom and jettisoning the fellow. And need another year to rebuild herself again.
If he wants a girl who isn't overweight he should dump her and look for someone else...
Wow, do I sound bitter?? Well, my rock bottom was "I'm going on a 300 mile bike trip this weekend, you should come; and you could really use it, too" when I hadn't owned a bike in three years much less ridden on one. Five years later and I'm clawing away at the weight one Weight Watchers Point at a time; but I chose it myself, have an incredibly supportive partner, and am much, much happier.
Real advice, SD, from your girl five years from now? Shut up. Don't say anything to her about her weight. She knows she's overweight. Read what you know about her; is she content at her size; does she want to lose weight; has lost any weight since you've known her? Positive answers are yes (because unhappy people gain more than happy people), yes (because she has a larger weight-loss goal) and yes (because she's taking steps to achieve that goal). If there are any no's then you're taking a risk that she'll never lose any weight no matter what good examples you set. If they're all no's then dump her now so she can find someone who wants her bigness. If you decide to be with her then ACT don't TELL. Cook healthy meals, go on long walks, listen when she talks about her weight loss, offer support and do NOT offer advice.
My husband found out I'd always wanted to learn to play tennis. For our anniversary last year he bought rackets. For Christmas he bought me a super cute tennis dress and spanx in my size (not the size I "hope" to be). For Valentines Day he gave me lesson coupons to teach me how to play. Once I learn to play and hold my own against him, I'm planning on playing him while wearing that tennis outfit-without the spanx. Cuz even though I'm overweight I still know how to blow his mind... and cuz he loves me plus the extra 30 lbs I still want to blow his mind.
really, please don't repost content from slog. it's pretty frustrating to send multiple letters to dan and see re-used content. maybe he could have answered my shitty question on slog and put the awesome question on the weekly column?
you guys. come on. his blog is a *blog - very different from his weekly savage love. get over yourselves. The way I see it is he posts on slog to get feedback and then uses that feedback to make the savage love advice more informed....
I recommend that TAFT and his lover put some of that 50 bucks weekly into buying a brand new 99 cent toothbrush for the old man to use every time. He has to unwrap the new brush and use it on the toilet. Then he can take it home and do whatever he wants to with it. Next week, next brush.
Now you have no sanitary issues whatsoever. You're welcome!
Um, y'all get Slog and this column for free. Stop bitching. Really, its annoying.
Regarding fat chicks:
I'm a certifiably fat woman. According to the nifty little BMI chart, I probably cacked it yesterday. I'm also in a long term relationship with a hot sex life. My weight has really never been a problem for trying new positions, except for the few where the one partner holds up the other. And, really, that seems like it would get tiring after a while even with a slim partner. We've actually found a lot more complications with our height difference. I'm 5'2 and my partner's almost 6'. Makes it hard to fuck in the shower.
Also, SD sounds like he's looking for an excuse to be a douche. A fat chick's good enough to fuck but not good enough to date? Same old story.
You know I get a it sick of all this weight defence crap.
If your cool with being over weight then own it but accept that it's not a majority of the populations list of attractive features.
My family is largely over weight and miraculously those in the family who choose to eat right and be active aren't fat! What a fucking concept! We've only gotten the eat right and be active talks since kindergarten we're just too lazy as North Americans to do it. Our country is full of crap foods and we largely refuse to move away from convenience of readily available fat and sugar plus we would rather melt our brains on TV than walking the dog. So Americans get fat. Its not fucking rocket science. You want to feel good about yourself, and confident and healthy? Get off the fucking couch and stop making excuses.
@jab2009
It's great that you dropped the idiot you were dating before, and according to JDKing apparently human bodies are bunsen burners so I hope you enjoy your new WW routine because those crazy fuckers are like a goddamned cult. If you stay right on the plan and never reach your goal weight, even if you're eating 600 calories a day? They'll accuse you of gaining weight because of cough drops. No fucking shit.
For JDKing - gee, I wonder why with all the social support we always see for fatties, why no one ever thought of eating right and exercising?? Could it be because a LOT OF FAT PEOPLE DO THAT AND DON'T BECOME THIN? Gee! I'll bet it is! Because nearly no study ever follows people for five years after any 'weight loss' plan, because those that do? invariably find that after five years, the vast, vast majority of them gained it all back. Hmm. Maybe some of your family are all statistical outliers, but maybe you're just a hater and a jackass and the fat people in your family are just fine.
@JDKing: As humans, we're what evolution designed us to be: active enough to survive, and lazy enough to not waste energy (calories) when we don't have to be. A perfect equilibrium of survival traits, unless you happen to be in an environment in which you have no predators and can get more than enough food without doing any/much physical labor.
On a macro scale, willpower isn't the answer to that problem any more than determination is how you can change your sexual orientation or stop sleeping indefinitely. It's defying your instincts and nature, something that can be done but only up to a point.
Changes (some, generally fairly, would say advancements) in technology and society got us into this mess; it's going to take more of the same to get us out of it. Or a few thousand years of evolution, whichever comes first. I'm betting on the former.
wow- total ignorance @12- I work out all the time, I eat better than 90% of my friends, I can bike 200 miles in one day and run 24 hour relay races. But I'm fatter than all my friends. I take my skinny friends out for a bike ride and end up waiting for them- they are out of breath and collapsing. I eat less than all my cycling and running friends, both during and after the event. I love the "get off the couch" sentiment- it really shows how much you know about losing weight. I like my body- but I hate people like you who think that cause I have extra weight I must sit around eating twinkies all day. weight will always be a sensitive issue because everyone is NOT the same- you probably burn more calories sitting around than I do riding my bike for 12 hours. Is that fair? should I be punished because my metabolism acts differently than yours?
Fuck you towel fucker, if you're in a position where you can arrange sex with well known porn stars I say you've got it better than most of us do and you should stop bitching. dickhead.
Wow. Totally in love with 4s husband.
Best husband ever. That's the way to get someone to slim down.
My boyfriend takes me rockclimbing and cooks for me. ^_^
Another hint, if you cook lots of healthy food, there's more gorgonzola apple walnut salad in the fridge, so you don't have to reach for cookies. Cooking just enough to leave you hungry is a bad idea, and inevitably leads to baked goods.
Big fan here. Long time reader, first time commenter, etc.
FAT the towel-fucker had me thinking about two things.
First: As a lad with zero information about sex, I learned to masturbate in the same way as FAT: humping whatever fabric was available in a pile on the bed. It was not great. The difficulty, even at the squirt-tastic age of 15, was to come
before I rubbed myself bloody. I doubt that FAT's body is "spoiled" by the awesome sensations of laundry-humping, so that mere mucous-membranes can't compete. When after years of sex with textiles, I at last figured out how to jerk off with my hands, it was like being given a feathery wing-job by sexy angels.
Second: A person's inability to orgasm in "normal" situations, while they come easily in
highly ritualized or fetishized situations that provide emotional safety, is a textbook case in psychoanalysis. I don't mean to advocate analysis in general, much less any particular flavor of analysis. I merely suggest that such a pathological anorgasmia seems likely to be the result of deep sexual neurosis. I'd like to further suggest the possibility that his success with towels is simply another symptom, and not the cause, of his fundamental distress.
Man, some people just don't know how to appreciate the fact that us lucky Slog readers sometimes get a sneak peek at SL content while the rest of the world - y'all DO know that SL goes out to more than just the Stranger, right? - has to wait for the column.
Don't be so damn negative. It was a good letter. Or - well, actually it was a weird, creepy letter, but it was interesting.
And as for the getting a partner to lose weight thing, well, godspeed. I never had any luck and I tried all the supportive and constructive approaches I could think of. It's hard.
Get ready for all the overweight sensitives to cry about how they can eat nothing but celery and run 5 miles a day and still be overweight. That is called a LIE. You don't want to commit to losing weight, that's your decision, but this perpetual victim bullshit about obesity being completely out of your control is why so many American children are getting adult onset diabetes.
Our kids are so fat they can't even call it adult onset anymore
Regarding the OMG FAT CHICK CAN'T FUCK bullshit, how do you know until you tried? The most flexible women I've had sex with have tended to be the fatter ones. And flexibility often = great sex.
As for GL and the other fattie-haters above, stop showing your ignorance. It isn't a lie that some people can eat bugger-all and still be fat. And if the only way you can maintain an "acceptable" weight is to eat 1000 calories a day, there is such a thing as malnutrition. And yes, people who are fat can still be malnourished.
(Not to say that some people eat shit and use their genetics as an excuse, but not that many - most people will cop to eating shit when they do. They just don't -care- about other people trying to police their bodies)
Okay, I'm pretty young and mostly straight, so I had never heard the terms "greek active" or "greek passive" before. While I found that weird in and of itself, I really can't puzzle out what "french passive" would mean. Does it refer to oral? What's "french" about a blow job? Someone please decode this for me, I'm fascinated.
I wonder if "Some Dude" is actually INTO heavy women but hasn't been able to come to grips with it because it's not mainstream-hot?
Like, yeah, it's totally fine to have a FWB arrangement with this girl and he really likes her, but y'know, if he's in a RELATIONSHIP with her it's like admitting what he really likes is his booty extra-plush.
Maybe he needs to deal with that possible issue before trying to date a woman he already wants to change...because if she really did end up changing, would he still genuinely wanna jump her as he does now?
Well #25 beat me too it, but my frist thought about Some Dude was that positions had nothing to do with it (I mean, they're already fucking right?). I think he's more concerned about that his friends/family will think about HIM if he's actually dating a larger woman (and I'm curious as to how big she really is). If you're ashamed to be seen with her, then yeah, don't date her. She really don't need to be with a guy who treats her as a "but" (You're really pretty but... You're really sexy but... etc).
If you can't be with her without conditions, then don't be with her.
@19 You are totally wrong. It's a very common problem and has nothing to do with psychology. You can read more about men overcoming mattress-fucking at
@ 16 - if you're as diligent as you say about eating well and working out and are still fat, see a doctor who can diagnose an endocrine disorder. 99% of the fat population got that way because they simply ate too damn much. If you're in the 1% you should get checked out.
With one caveat - it could also include his reluctance to commit to someone. Maybe he doesn't want to close down his options if he sees another potential partner - skinny or fat, doesn't matter. It may be that he's constantly on the lookout for something "better", in which case he shouldn't move in with her because he's simply not ready to settle on one woman.
@ 24 - "french passive" = receiver of blow jobs. I had to look it up too.
@ 5 and others - I'm also a bit annoyed at the repeat of a slog letter when I too have sent in multiple letters over the years. I've complained about it a lot and often receive abuse from the "leave poor Dan alone" brown nosers. It's not as though he's doing volunteer work people! Dan hasn't done it much in the last month or so, so I'm willing to forgive this relapse.
Finally, did anyone else feel like the last letter may have been bullshit? I mean, how does someone who seems to be so naïve about sex and his own body even have the ways and means to arrange "sessions" with "2 well-known porn stars?" I'm assuming this guy is rather young. Am I just making unfair assumptions?
Off the top of my head the prevalence of two diseases that cause weight gain:
PCOS: 6-8% of the population
Hypothyroidism: 3% of the population, more of them women than men
And to throw in an outlier disease most people are unaware of:
Lipedema: 5% of the population, and the kicker, you can't lose weight, no matter what you do.
So, a whole lot more than one or two percent of the population has a disease causing weight gain. And I haven't even thrown in depression, where SSRI's cause weight gain.
Lipedema: 5-11%, mostly women, and the kicker, you can't lose the weight. Anorexia and WLS don't touch it.
So considerably more than one percent of the population has endocrine problems. Not that those can be the only medical reason to gain weight uncontrollably. Inaccuracy annoys me.
I tried posting this before but when I came back to the column I didn't see it. If this is a double post, my apologies.
@33
"Well-known porn stars" can mean anything in these days of rampant online amateur porn. They weren't necessarily A-listers and it wasn't necessarily free.
I'd agree -- it sounds like he's scared of commitment with a fat woman, being out in public with a fat woman, etc. Which is mean.
Here's the thing that I never hear articulated in the fat debates. YES, some people have a harder time losing weight than others. NO, simply getting off the couch and eating a sensible diet won't make everyone skinny. But there ARE ways for just about anyone to be lean -- it's just that they may be drastically unpleasant. Like never, ever, eating any kind of starch or sugar again, and working out twice a day. This guy writes a lot about that: http://tnation.tmuscle.com/free_online_f…
Losing weight is possible for everyone, but hell on earth for some, depending on their genetic makeup.
I think it's understandable for someone to say "no thanks" to that particular level of hell. If she's naturally heavy, it may be that the kind of diet & exercise that works for Some Dude may be not nearly enough for her. I don't think anybody can make that decision for her.
@34
And you haven't added in people on long-term prednisone and many antipsychotics (which are also used to treat bipolar disorder nowadays). Lots of people are overweight for reasons that make it much harder for them to control than average.
"It all seemed so mysterious and continental. Now, everyone is either a top or a bottom and romance is dead."
Awww... I LOVED romance!
I too remember those funny old codes (from Advocate, Drummer, James Merrill books, etc.). You could bring them back Dan! While "top" and "bottom" are indeed easier and more descriptive and less romantic but you have the power to change all that. Remember "santorum"? As if anyone could forget!
I vote we all go back to using "Greek Active", "French Passive" and the like. I mean, there was that whole resurgence of 70's fashion after Ashton Kutcher re-popularized it, why can't we do that with romance? You should take the lead in "re-mystifying" sex so it can be...well, more sexy! In the same way that someone wearing very revealing clothes is often more sexy than someone who is just naked.
I just have one question. What do you call someone who is "versatile"? Maybe "Belgian"?
Like other people here, I suspect that Some Dude's problem isn't really that he can't try every position with his fat FWB lady friend - as Dan points out, there are lots of things that lots of people can't or won't do. Instead, it's that he feels ashamed of being in a relationship with her because he's not *supposed* to be attracted to fat women (and so either there's something wrong with him, or else he can't do any better).
Now, there's nothing wrong with being attracted to certain looks - body types, hairstyles, whatever. But what Dan is suggesting is completely disingenuous. Previously, Dan has told letter writers that they're within their rights to expect that their partners will do their best to *maintain* their weight and appearance, since that's what the other person signed up for. However, getting into a relationship with this woman means that you accept her, like her, and are attracted to her AS SHE IS. If you can do that, great - mazel tov. If you can't, spare her the passive-aggressive comments about being "healthy" and "fit" and just keep the friends-with-benefits arrangement that you have going.
As someone who has struggled some with my weight in the past, I am pretty sure that every one of my lovers - boyfriend or fwb - was aware of my feelings towards my weight. They knew I had a goal weight I was working towards, was avoiding quick-fix dieting methods, and tried not to waste emotinal energy stressing about my body.
My point is that Some Dude must be aware of how this potential girlfriend feels about her weight. If she is happy as she is, then he should make his decision based on her as she is now, not on some hope of wheedling her into weight-loss. If she's unhappy with her weight and hopes to be slimmer, then offering his support to help her reach her goals is appropriate, as long as it doesn't deteriorate into mind games and recriminations.
But to me, it all comes down to her attitude to her weight. Does she even feel that it is a problem? If not, then he doesn't have to right to try and make it into one.
About the repeat letter: I live in the Detroit area and discovered Dan through the Metrotimes. I started reading Dan here after his podcast came out, and then started reading his blog and so on. Now I too feel somewhat disappointed when I read a letter twice, BUT I would rather he reuses great letters than that the large number of people who don't even know about his blog can still be exposed to them. And that letter was a great letter - where the hell can I get some guy to clean my whole house like that? I don't care if he uses his toothbrush to clean my toilet. Come on - clean house! I also am under the impression that TAFT thinks the toothbrush thing is gross because of the thought of the guy brushing his teeth with it after (i.e. a negative reaction to the "old perv's" fetish), not because he thinks it's gross to use a toilet cleaned by someone else's toothbrush. I could be wrong, but if that's the case, he needs to get over himself. Did I mention the awesome benefits of having someone else clean your house?
And about SD - yes, it sounds like yet another case of being too embarrassed to date a woman because of her weight. How can it possibly be the position thing if they're already fucking? Also, I am of the firm belief that a lack of positions is only due to a lack of creativity or persistence.
And there is something to the metabolism thing. Sure, there are plenty of overweight people who are that way for obvious reasons, but there are also some that are that way because of other things, or because losing weight would only be possible through making life completely miserable (and I'm talking about what #38 said, not because life would be hell without twinkies). If you don't believe it, think about the opposite thing - how many people do you know who are skinny for NO GOOD REASON? I know several. I know a guy who is the laziest person I've ever seen, eats the worst food imaginable in large quantities. His idea of a perfect day is to sit on the couch playing video games for 12 hours, interspersed with gorging on buffalo wings and candy. This has been his whole life, but he's also the skinniest person I know - he's a veritable twig. I've known plenty of other similar people, he's just the most extreme example. Don't tell me you've never seen a skinny person who can eat whatever the hell they want and has no exercise program.
To all the fat haters: Fuck Off.Losing weight is not easy.
To everyone who's trying to lose weight: GOOD for you! I lost 50 pounds last summer on Weight Watchers. I ate really healthy and ran everyday for 45 min and did 25 crunches.I've maintained my weight goal and I did it for myself. I feel great now. I will always remember when I was bigger and what potential partners did for me good AND bad.I will always keep my sympathy for people who honestly try to lose weight because I know how hard it is.
Agreed, Some Dude's letter sounded more like he couldn't handle the social onus of calling an overweight woman 'girlfriend.'
If I were the woman this letter referred to, I'd be heading for the hills. Going into a relationship looking for the earliest possible opportunity to change a partner is the kind of psychotic bullshit that men have been complaining about since the invention of language.
To all ladies out there who are currently thinking 'This can't be MY fuckbuddy...can it?" DTMFA. There is an awesome man who will think you're beautiful and be proud to have you on his arm out there somewhere, and you won't find him while clinging on to this passive aggressive clod.
Agreed, Some Dude's letter sounded more like he couldn't handle the social onus of calling an overweight woman 'girlfriend.'
If I were the woman this letter referred to, I'd be heading for the hills. Going into a relationship looking for the earliest possible opportunity to change a partner is the kind of psychotic bullshit that men have been complaining about since the invention of language.
To all ladies out there who are currently thinking 'This can't be MY fuckbuddy...can it?" DTMFA. There is an awesome man who will think you're beautiful and be proud to have you on his arm out there somewhere, and you won't find him while clinging on to this passive aggressive clod.
Agreed, Some Dude's letter sounded more like he couldn't handle the social onus of calling an overweight woman 'girlfriend.'
If I were the woman this letter referred to, I'd be heading for the hills. Going into a relationship looking for the earliest possible opportunity to change a partner is the kind of psychotic bullshit that men have been complaining about since the invention of language.
To all ladies out there who are currently thinking 'This can't be MY fuckbuddy...can it?" DTMFA. There is an awesome man who will think you're beautiful and be proud to have you on his arm out there somewhere, and you won't find him while clinging on to this passive aggressive clod.
What the hell is this?
Fantasy week? Early April's Fool day column.
First, we have a guy who's complaining that somebodies paying to get his apt. cleaned. I'd let the old perv do it for free.
Second, we have a guy who's complaining of having prolonged mutlipositional multiorificial sex with not one but two porn stars. I call that boasting.
First, I have no problem with fatties who are comfortable with their weight. I have no problem with people who want to fuck fatties-- we all have our sexual preferences, and they don't all align with the mainstream ideal (for instance, I'm not attracted to blonds). I have a big problem with a lot of the anti-fatty bias, which is often based in misogyny. As in: the sole purpose of a woman is to be attractive to men; the woman in question is not attractive to the man making the disparaging comment; therefore the woman is a failure as a woman. Ever notice that the anti-fatty hoards come down a lot harder on women than men? I sure have.
All that said, I'm so fucking sick of the "slow metabolism" excuse. I have an absurdly slow metabolism, which just means my body is more efficient at processing food than other people's bodies. I get more miles-to-the-gallon, as it were, and if we're ever stranded on a deserted island, I'm outliving everyone. When you have a more fuel-efficient body or car, you PUT LESS FUEL IN IT. Seriously.
Yes, people with fast metabolisms get to eat three meals a day-- including deserts-- along with periodic snacking, and they don't gain a pound. I only eat two portion-controlled meals a day, never snack or have dessert, primarily drink water (no soda or juice), and work out every morning to maintain my weight. It's not fair, but life isn't fucking fair. Some people just have to work harder than others to achieve the same goals.
Losing weight is a matter of science: if you burn more calories per day than you take in, you will lose weight (or else violate the laws of thermodynamics). Yes, those of us with slow metabolisms burn far fewer calories at rest than those with fast metabolisms. We have to compensate by eating less or burning more through activity.
Tooth Brush guy, I agree with Dan give the old guy a break and like the other reader suggested, buy him a new tooth brush every time he comes over to clean.
BTW in these economic times, i'd LOVE to have a guy come over and PAY ME 50 bucks to clean my apt. Fuck he could do naked if that got his jollies off, or hell i'd walk around naked if that was his thing, jeez. Right now, I happily pay my cleaning lady $80 every two weeks (thank you Rosario for your hard work) but if i could GET $50 WEEKLY for a clean apt, well wow what a deal!
To Some Dude, i too think he's worried what his friends/family might think of him dating a fat woman. Neil Lebute dealt with this very same issue in his highly acclaimed play "Fat Pig". http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fat_Pig
But I do think that the fat defenders here are wrong that they're just naturally fat (unless as pointed out, its some extremely rare medical condition).
Here's my personal experience with weight gain. Last year i had a nasty break up with my boyfriend and stopped working out because i didn't want to run into him at the gym. So i stayed in, drank a bottles of wine with dinner, tried to drink my sorrows away on the weekend, ate junk and other bad foods. So surprise subsequently ballooned to 208 lbs! Before that, I was a fit guy that normally weighed in around the low 170s, and stand 5.11. So 208 pounds was shocking to me, plus i felt very unattractive with this huge beer gut.
Cut to my 2010 New years resolution, eat right, stop with the excessive drinking AND work out EVERY day. Yes that meant I had to get back to my gym (fuck the old boyfriend.) But most importantly i sprint/run 2.5 miles around my neighborhood every other night. Note, a personal trainer with a MS in nutrition once told me that running on a flat tread mill is TOTALLY ineffective, unless you've got the it cranked up to its highest elevation level your really not getting anything out of it.
Its now mid Feb. and I've already lost over 33 lbs. and have 10 more pounds to hit my target weight of 165 and yes i want to be thinner then i was before the weight gain.
So to all the fatties out there, i personally think its more important to be physically active than watching what you eat. And I'm not talking a nice walk with the dog. i mean work out until you break a sweat. Unless you're sweating buckets, you're not going to lose weight.
@56 -- you're a normally-lean guy who at one point gained a lot of weight. By your own self-description, you're different than people who have been fat all their lives.
Example: my best friend is overweight, has weighed the same since middle school (literally), and her whole family is fat. She's not a glutton or a lazy-ass-- she eats a healthy, moderate diet, and goes to the gym every day. The point is, for her, that simply isn't going to make her thin -- which doesn't bother her, in fact, so long as she's healthy, so it's all good.
But if she did want to be thin, she'd have to do some crazy shit. People who have been fat since childhood (as opposed to people who temporarily let themselves go) have to do crazy shit to look different. Sometimes (depending on how good their nutritional advice is) it's actually safer for them if they don't do crazy shit.
I don't really have to do the crazy shit, myself; heavy weights and running and <1600 calories and I'm good. But some folks are just built differently. (Note to fatties -- there's a good chance that you're also better at gaining strength than your skinny friends. Make use of it.)
I had to end a wonderful relationship due to weight issues. Its hard watching someone eat themselves to death. Its akin to watching someone abuse super hard drugs right in front of you. But if your partner is not overeating I say go with it. FAT = FLAVOR! (Just not the kind of fat endless amounts of brownies put on ya when you already have Diabetes Type II.)
Well, sorry JDKing, and those who think like him/her, but you're wrong. I am fat. I've been overweight since high school, at least by High School standards. Over the past several years, I've been doing everything I can to lose weight. I tried Weight Watchers, gained weight. I'd get to the end of the day and had like 15 points left to eat, yet I wasn't hungry. My car broke down, so I let it sit and decided to walk everywhere. I gained weight. I eat like a freakin' bird, never finishing a meal at a restaurant, living on fruits and veggies, cut out preservatives completely and shop on the outer aisles of the grocery, and drink only water. Despite my pant size, I actually don't even like cookies, chocolate, pie, cake or candy. Still, I continue to gain weight. Its gotten to the point that sucking in my gut doesn't make all that much difference. I work out 5 times a week for three hours, hired a personal trainer, bought an elliptical machine and don't allow myself to sit on the couch...I continue to gain. I've tried pills and crash diets to no avail. I've had my thyroid tested, tested for PCOS, and diabetes. All are fine. I asked my doctor for help, she told me to eat less. I logged everything that I ate and showed it to her, she told me that I was eating too much....then I advised her that list was what I had eaten in a week, not a day. No answer. I don't know how I could eat less.
Then, a couple months ago, I said Fuck It! If this is going to be my life, then I should at least enjoy it. I started eating more, eating food that I liked and I bought myself a car. I stopped all diet attempts, and instead of a gym membership and personal trainer, I put gas in my new SUV and go do things that I enjoy. Without an ounce of effort, I've dropped 20 lbs in two months, and my pants continue to get bigger on me and I just shrunk out of my belt .
So, while yes, there are some people out there that are fat because they are lazy, they feast on cookies and cake, and don't exercise; there are also some of us that simply gain weight despite getting tons of exercise and eating very little or "right". For some, its not just a matter of getting off the couch and eating less. That surely didn't work for me. Granted, I still don't eat bad, I like fruits and veggies, but I also allow myself steak and potatoes when I crave them.
I still have a ways to go, but I know I will never be stick thin, nor do I want to be, as I don't even find that attractive. Plus, my guy needs my "love handles" for something to hang on to. So, next time you want to make the comment that all people are fat because they are lazy and eat too much, think back to that old elementary school saying...
I may be fat, but your [heart is] ugly, and I can [now] lose weight!
Fat chicks are often fun, because the don't have a lot of self esteem. So they make natural subs. They won't usually go for the pain, but they tend to go big for humiliation. Here, piggy piggy piggy!
For FAT, the guy on Zoloft: I took Zoloft for depression for years, and found it wore off quickly for me. I usually took it in the morning, so if I skipped one morning, I'd be orgasmic that night. It took some planning ahead, but was really worth it, and didn't seem to interfere with its medical effectiveness. I tried not to skip more than once a week, though.
Some reasons that men are willing to fuck fat women, but not want a relationship with them:
1) Social cost, embarrassment, loss of status. Guilt by association is probably the biggest factor for many men, and it's learned at a young age. Certainly, where I grew up, the fat kids were almost all at the bottom of the social ladder, and being friends with them meant that you too were a loser.
It's a hard thing to unlearn, and it doesn't really matter whether it's right or wrong. Even if a guy changes his own mind, he can't change the minds of his peers and colleagues. Most of us, men and women both included, lose a little bit of respect for someone if we think their partner's unattractive. Or at the very least, we certainly gain respect for someone if we think their partner is smokin' hot, and most people don't think that someone fat CAN be smokin' hot.
It's weird but I think a lot of people have more respect for a self-proclaimed chubby chaser. They may think it's a weird preference, but at least it's a CHOICE, not just that he "couldn't do any better".
2) Sometimes, paradoxically, people get turned on by the idea of fucking someone who's flawed (or "flawed") in a way that makes a commitment impossible. Who among us hasn't fantasized about having sex with someone we wouldn't want to date in a million years? If a guy knows he's not willing to have a real relationship with a girl because she's fat, it can make it easier for him to fuck her with abandon because it "doesn't matter" in the long run.
3) People gain weight as they get older. The fat chick who's deliciously ripe at twentysomething may be just plain morbidly obese at fortysomething, or after having a few kids. If that sounds harsh, well, that's just reality; when we decide whom to date or marry, we factor in a whole lot of things that sound harsh if discussed openly (income, for one).
4) Also related to #1: sometimes what we like to touch, and what we like to look at, aren't the same thing. A guy can enjoy the physical sensation of sex with a fat woman, but vastly prefer the way skinny women look...and we spend a lot more time in life looking (and being looked at) than touching.
5) This won't make me popular, but: yes, we all know about hormones and genes and so on, but there are a lot of people (men and women) who are fat because they lack self-control and/or ambition. This can be hot in bed ("Let's stay home all day and watch movies and fuck"), but not so good in other areas of life.
It's clear that some guys like fat women. I often see trim guys on the street with fat partners. More power to them. What's the secret? If you are a trim guy who is attracted to fat women, what do you know that we don't know? What do you find attractive about fat women?
@64, I've had a couple of guys describe it for me. In fact, one of my friends told me of a conversation he had with a co-worker who was making rude comments about fat women. My friend told him "Wait till you try it." Months later, the guy came back and said "You were right!"
There's something about the softness and warmth of being enveloped in a round woman that they enjoy. One guy explained that watching a fat woman jiggle to his thrusts was part of the thrill--a very visual stimulus for him. He loved to squeeze and smack fat asses...it felt better to him, more to hold on to.
He said a lot of other stuff too, but I don't want to hear the responses that it would likely elicit, so I'll stop here.
There's more to it than simply "move more, eat less." It totally depends on WHAT movements you're doing, and what "healthy" food you're putting in your body. Most of the food we think is healthy and not fattening is usually loaded with sodium and other crap.
Eat frequent, small meals. Cut down on carbs. Up your protein. Do weight training. Oh, and about the exercise. There is a PLATEAU. If you keep doing the same exercises, your body is going to stop responding, you're not going to lose much weight or gain much muscle. Sure, your heart health will be good, but physically, you're not going to change much.
Is any of this easy? NO! But I too am tired of the "but I exercise and eat healthy" and "I have a slow metabolism." All of the obese people in American are not that way because of underlying medical issues.
If anyone wants to seriously reshape their body, gain flexibility, feel strong and healthy, I'd recommend a program like p90x. Yes, it kicks your ass. But I don't see how anyone COULDN'T slim down and tone up, if you do the workouts and follow the diet plan (which has great recipes and won't make you feel starved).
I'm not saying that everyone has to look like a body builder. It's just, there probably are further, healthy steps you can take if you find yourself with a lot of excess body fat. Even after an intense program, you could still be bigger than all your friends. So what. You're still going to be more flexible, stronger, and probably healthier.
Oh, and like many people said, there are men who will be attracted to you and love you regardless of your appearance, including excess weight. It's not fair that overweight/fat/obese people are made to be assexual, emotionless beings. If you're OK with extra pounds and are pretty healthy, tell that dude you're going to find someone else to fuck.
I get really annoyed when I have to see REPEAT COMMENTS about how Dan sometimes uses a letter in his Blog and then in the Savage Love column. Could the Slog commenters, please stop REPEATING THIS COMMENT all the time? Because I get really frustrated by it and it tends to ruin my day.
LW #2: You are either okay with her weight, or you are not. If you aren't okay with it, don't enter into a "real" relationship with her. If you are, then enjoy -- but don't try to pressure or manipulate her into changing. What you see is what you get -- either you want her the way she is, or you want somebody else.
Come to think of it, the LW SAID he had no problem with her weight. Dan brought that try-to-change-her crap into it.
We pay someone else to clean our house. I wouldn't be happy if my partner had a submissive come in and do it, paying us for the privilege. This would draw me into a sexual threesome, not something I want.
I think the new guy has a right to say he's only going to move in if it is on monogamous terms. The old perv can probably find some other young hot man to cut the same deal with (maybe he has one for every day of the week already).
I don't think SD is afraid of what his friends will think. I think he just hasn't learned how to nail that chick properly yet. When I first got in bed with a fat woman I had a lot of relearning to do. If we had been doing the FWB thing I wouldn't have put in the work and would have settled for average sex. I can imagine how if we had gone that rout I would think I just didn't like big woman as much. I knew from the beginning what I had with my woman and was instantly committed to figuring out how to have fantastic sex with her, but it really didn't start that way.SD I hear you if, you've been doing skinny people your whole life it might be some work. I say choice love. I am always surprised at the unexpected bounty we reap when we take the risk to love.
ps. Learning to nail my fat lady taught me thing for my skinny partners too ;)
Some Dude is being patently disingenuous. I can't remember that last time I read a Savage Love letter that was so packed with lies.
He has a purely sexual relationship with her, yet he's worried that she's too fat for good sex if they make a serious go of a relationship?
What a load of bullshit.
My guess is that she's indicated she wants a serious relationship, and he's trying to find some excuse to get out of it. I mean, fucking a fat chick while playing the field is okay, but a FAT GIRLFRIEND? That's, like, a loss of status!
I hope the poor girl dumps this wanker before he has a chance to break her heart.
To all the people offering weight loss advice . . . I'm sorry, did anyone ask for it? SD said he didn't have a problem with his fwb's weight (which I don't really believe, but whatever), and all the overweight posters have clearly not been asking for weight loss advice.
Sounds to me like they're reacting to the implication that fat=lazy. Which, sure, is defensive, but given the number of people here who are STILL INSISTING that if you're fat that just means you're not exercising and dieting in the right way . . . well, it seems a fairly justified defensiveness.
And, sure a lot of people who are overweight can lose weight by exercising more and eating fewer carbs and so on. But that's not really the point. People have a right to smoke even if it gives them lung cancer and people have a right to not floss their teeth if they don't want to and people have a right to be fat without the whole world feeling smugly superior to them.
I have a lot of compassion for overweight folks. I jokingly refer to my own childhood and say that I was the "first fat kid in America". I was fat back when fat wasn't cool. Growing up in the 70s and being fat, there was like *ONE* other fat kid in my entire elementary school of about 600 kids. Nowadays there would probably be 3 or 4 per class room I'm guessing.
For years I thought that I was fat because I was "a pig", since that's what other people told me. Finally when I got to high school, hit puberty, wanted a girlfriend and realized I would never have one unless I lost weight, I started actively struggling against the constant and tremendously strong inner impulse to eat, eat, eat... For a year I spent lunch period in the library reading books, feeling miserable and starving. I lost weight. A girl told me, "Now that you've lost weight, I've realized, your actually hot." I didn't believe that could be possible. Evidently it was. For most of my childhood I was made fun of for the way I looked, and then from high school and on, I've been praised for being a hottie. Go figure.
Anyway, I realize now that I had a food addiction. My parents divorced when I was 6 years old and I dealt with it by blowing up like a blimp. I have struggled with this my whole life, and I have spent a huge amount of time fighting it, seeking to understand it, struggling to overcome it, and for the most part, I have. I can still "go there" if I let myself, but most of the time I have the willpower not to.
I have to say though, to overcome this thing was FUCKING DIFFICULT! For people who have never struggled with it, you just do not understand how hard it can be to overcome. The difference between food addiction and alcohol addiction, is that you can never quit eating. It's like being a raging alcoholic, and having to learn how to only drink one beer with every meal, when you're whole system is screaming for you to slam a 12-pack...
I think there can be many reasons for someone being overweight. Being "lazy" and eating too much is just one possibility out of many. I think we should never assume anything about a fat person. We really have no idea why they look that way, and what tribulations they have gone through in their lifetime. Maybe more than you could handle yourself...
Best comment ever! Up until the Second: anyway. You know that sort of psychoanalysis has been discredited right? No matter, your sex with textiles speech makes up for your failure in psychology.
My impression of Dan's answer to TAFT is that he didn't really read his letter. He's telling TAFT that there's no question he would side w/the perv and that TAFT is really OK with the situation. Um, what? TAFT makes it very clear that he is uncomfortable with it and wants it to end.
The situation itself is minor except that it does (IMO) raise a red flag, because if TAFT is uncomfortable with it and his bf refuses to respect that, it speaks volumes about the potential for the relationship to be unhealthy. All TAFT's bf has to do is tell the old perv "It's been a good run, but it has to end, because my bf is uncomfortable with it and I can't jeopardize our future. Thanks and good luck." If TAFT's bf refuses to do this, he doesn't really care about TAFT and TAFT is bound to get more & more unhappy as the relationship progresses.
Oh and one other thing: that towel fucker could be me. I thought I was the only one (though the towels themselves were a bit rough so I switched to pillowcases, which I've been fucking for 30 years)
I don't really have a problem w/not being able to come in a partner's mouth or ass, and neither do they. After a long fuck session, I pull out and fuck their pec valley & give tham a shiny new pearl necklace, bringing a whole new meaning to breakfast at Tiffany's.
Kudos to Dan for suggesting LW2 deal with his lady by actually moving in with her (or at least officially dating her) so he can attempt to deal with the problem organically. As someone with a life long weight struggle (owing to a tumor on my pituitary gland) , I can solidly say that fat people know damn well we're fat; telling us we should lose some weight does jack shit to actually help that. That's like telling someone, oh, you're unemployed? Well get a job! :D What's that? You got laid off and your industry isn't hiring? Well just work fast food, that's super easy! Oh, you have a mortgage? Well uh you shouldn't have gotten laid off! These problems, unlike gum stuck to a shoe, cannot be solved by simply bringing them to a person's attention.
Telling somebody the obvious does nothing to address the underlying cause - which is not always as simple as "lol run around outside!" (shattered kneecaps from an accident) or "don't eat big macs (medical conditions that slow the body's metabolism)
@ 74: Yes, "People have a right to smoke even if it gives them lung cancer and people have a right to not floss their teeth if they don't want to and people have a right to be fat..."
But people also have a right to feel smugly superior to whomever they want!
Sure you may have a right to make your own choices about your lifestyles, but it is just as surely hypocritical to then dictate how other people must to feel about it.
"Losing weight is a matter of science: if you burn more calories per day than you take in, you will lose weight (or else violate the laws of thermodynamics). Yes, those of us with slow metabolisms burn far fewer calories at rest than those with fast metabolisms. We have to compensate by eating less or burning more through activity."
Thank you. Overweight people offering excuses need to reread that 50 times. "Laws of thermodynamics" in particular. And if you put in 1200 calories and burn 1200 calories each day, you will not ever, ever, ever gain weight. It is physics and chemistry, people, not magic or disease, that determines what you weigh. Physics and chemistry. Calories in, calories burned. Nothing more.
NOW do you understand why people roll their eyes when you say it isn't your "fault"? While it is not an issue of "fault--being overweight is not a crime or anything wrong--it sure as hell is an issue of responsibility for adults. (Fat kids get a pass until adulthood.)
Every single calorie in our bodies are put there by us. Every single one.
Yeah, there is food constantly in reach. Yeah, it is hard to say no to it. And exercise can be a pain. Here is my sympathy. But sympathy will not make the weight go away, so quit trying to play on it.
But whatever else you do, I beg you, stop saying anything else in the universe is responsible for putting more calories into your body than you use. YOU do that, no one else.
Overweight people with excuses are only convincing themselves. Either reduce your calories or up your burn rate. If you don't want to do either, then you accept the condition and own it.
I wonder why everyone assumes that the only way for "Some Dude" to deal with the alleged limitations that his fat partner's girth poses is for his partner to lose weight.
While he didn't bother to elaborate on the limitations, I'd imagine that experimenting with new positions, getting a wedge or foam pillow to use as a prop, or even just encouraging his partner to try out basic flexibility and stretching exercises might all potentially help.
Maybe TAFT doesn't like the idea of his bf being a low-level sexworker? That seems like a legitimate beef. Right now the young hottie can get paid to let someone clean his apartment. Is he on a "slippery slope?" to becoming a more mainstream sex worker?
I personally don't like Dan's advice that much this week.
1) I really *don't* think the first guy secretly wants the old toothbrush man there. And I think it's fair that he doesn't want someone he feels is creepy in _his_ flat, even if it is shared. I think it's fair for Dan to say he should stop and really think about it. But this is his living space. To me, it's a tough one.
2) Don't tell this guy to start going out with the fat girl and then start guilt tripping her. Bullshit.
3) Standard answer here: re-train your dick. But it always makes me wonder... Why is this the standard answer for guys, but girls who need vibrators to get off are told that they "require" vibrators? Do they really? Or is this a double standard?
55, 83, and everyone else who believes that weight loss = human bunsen burners:
You're forgetting a key phrase in the 2nd law-- within a closed system. People are not closed systems. We're certainly not simple systems. There are bajillions of factors at play in the human body, processes we don't understand yet. Processes we haven't even dreamed of. How do I know this? Well, I'm a chemistry PhD student. Understanding energy is kind of my job. Trust me when I say you're oversimplifying.
Which is the more likely hypothesis: that people who are overweight take in more calories than they burn, or that there are some heretofore unknown chemical processes that spontaneously generate calories within certain people, and that those processes are thus far undetectable by any known means, and that the number of people exhibiting these processes happens to correlate with the prevalence of fatty foods and sedentary lifestyles within a society?
Scientists are supposed to look at things objectively. Stop compromising your scientific neutrality in your search for victimhood.
I wonder if anyone anywhere on this planet has ever actually gone from being obese to being permanently thin by eating less and exercising. You people make it sound so easy - but are there any case studies showing that it actually works? Eating less and exercising works great for people who are 5 pounds overweight. But for people who are 100 or 200 pounds overweight? Has it ever worked? Can anyone name a single case of a person who has lost more than 100 pounds doing nothing but eating less and exercising more, and who kept the weight off for the rest of their life? Anyone? Anyone?
I'm not a fan of fat women really, and well ... I did love the Norwegan female curling team ... not exactly sure why.
But overall, I'm more attracted to athletes, so I aspire to train like an athlete.
I was insanely happy with a larger discus thrower than some weirdo that smoked herself thin.
I guess, I'm sick and tired of the weight worships, because it means very little to me.
I don't look at a woman's weight, I look at her PROPORTIONS, and if I see some skinny waif with NO ASS whatsoever, I think to myself, she won't keep up with me on the ski slopes, and she will forever bitch that I'm trying to turn our physical activities into some contest (which has been the source of needless fights and why I prefer to work out alone.)
A solidly built fitness junky is surprisingly heavier than you might believe. As a result, weight is like totally meaningless.
Really, I'm more attracted to a woman that knows her body and how to use it, than a woman who knows the needle exchange depot. Most sensible guys would agree. If you just want to pick someone on aesthetics, there is always porn.
And yes, you can lose weight by exercise if you eat less or at least better, and exercise more often, and most importantly do something you are PASSIONATE about. Not because you are trying to impress anyone but because you are passionate about it.
Losing weight step one, STOP DRINKING SODA! I have met so many endomorphs who dropped like 20 pounds simply because they gave up soda. You don't need it, it trashes your body chemistry ... blah blah blah.
Losing weight step two, find something you enjoy physically that you can push yourself 110%. Then set up a routine, relax, and enjoy it. Even if you don't lose weight, you will look and feel better about life, and if nothing else, you have nothing to bitch about anymore. Your friends and peers will see your active lifestyle, and at the bare minimum will stop judging you and let you be happy.
So you hate lifting weights or running, as does 80% of America. But in America, that's the general status quo of fitness. Why don't you do SOMETHING ELSE? Like martial arts, basketball rec league, WALKING. Finding something physical for the sheer happiness of the activity will allow you to make more significant meaning full strides.
And the amazing thing is, your body will adapt to the proportions required by your passion (well to a certain degree ... but more than you would imagine ... and yes it takes time)
And that is step 3 to losing weight, it takes TIME! Sometimes even a decade of commitment. You have to learn to enjoy the process, otherwise you will inevitably fail.
@89, 90: Okay, it's not that there is some mysterious magical way that the body produces calories internally. It's that the body has a goal, a weight that your metabolism tries to steer your body towards. That's the weight you're "supposed" to be, and if you try to exercise more and eat less, or to exercise LESS and eat MORE, your body will adjust its metabolism, and sent urgent signals to your brain, to keep you in the weight range it thinks you're "supposed" to be in. Numerous studies have shown that dieting doesn't work to keep weight off long-term for the majority of people.
So, yay conservation of energy, but no, it's not as simple as eating less and exercising more.
Naturally, "dieting" doesn't keep the weight off long-term. If your old lifestyle made you fat, then you switch back to your old lifestyle after you "finish" your diet, then of course you will gain the weight back. And yes, your metabolism demonstrates some inertia when you change your eating habits. That's why you should make as few changes as possible.
This is the problem with dieters: they think they can make temporary adjustments to lose weight, after which they can go back to their old, unhealthy habits. You need to make *permanent* changes in your lifestyle if your prior habits led to excessive weight.
Weight loss, fitness, etc. is a marathon, not a sprint. That's why it takes willpower: because you need to endure as the months and years go on. Yes, some people need to exert more willpower than others to keep the weight off. And yes, there are some fat people who have more willpower than some skinny people, and just lack the genetic blessing the weak-willed, skinny person enjoys.
But weight loss is still a matter of discipline: eat less, exercise more.
@60: It sounds more like 'Hey, piggy piggy' fits YOUR description.
Do you resemble "The Family Guy" with six chins?
Is your current GF a small, meek little stick thin Barbie Doll while you waddle around carrying the House Budweiser Built?
@89, 90: "When you eat 120 calories of glucose, less than one calorie is stored as fat. 120 calories of fructose results in 40 calories being stored as fat. Consuming fructose is essentially consuming fat!" From Dr. Mercola; can be found on the Huffington Post. Living systems are extremely complex and it is highly likely that the unknown unknowns outweigh known knowns. Talk to Stanley Prusiner, who discovered that misfolded proteins can act as infectious agents.
@ 89, 90: There are tons of reactions taking place within in the human body. Thermodynamics aren't the only element that controls these reactions. There are also kinetic factors. And there are enzymes involved, which confuse the energetics even further. So, yes, the energy all needs to go somewhere. But it seems laughable that all bodies use energy in the same way. Two bodies certainly don't do anything else the same way.
Furthermore, I don't need to do research to postulate that human bodies are fucking complicated. It's already been done for me, thousands of times over. But thanks for playing
just had to post something... i started putting on weight after i was raped at age 9. now that i've done some introspection, i realized that it was a subconscious way of protecting myself from further pain. at this point in my life, i am walking 2.6 miles per day, living an otherwise active lifestyle, and eating healthy. i lose an average of 1.8 pounds per week.
despite the years of hard work i have put in, if some of you judgmental fuckers saw me walking down the street, you'd still call me a fat bitch. you might even helpfully offer some tired calories in/calories out bullshit, or tell me that maybe i ought to take the stairs, or describe your own workout routine with the kind of pompous zeal usually reserved for televangelists. and you probably wouldn't try to get to know me first.
my addition to the conversation is this - you have no idea what anyone is going through or where they've been unless you respectfully ask. so before you throw ignorant judgments around about all of us 'fatties', have a little compassion and maybe focus on your own side of the street. personally, i am doing just fine cleaning mine, thanks.
I am not even going to try to touch the first letter. The second one...So, you can have sex with her (and it is good sex because, you want to be WITH her....I cannot imagine that you would want to be with someone you don't enjoy in bed), but yet you are afraid her weight will effect things you can do in bed? Has this been an issue before? If not, how is it effecting the sex life now ---like I said, I cannot imagine it is effecting things too much if you want a "real relationship" with the girl. The second letter...with the weight thing....the man is just scared of what other people are going to think of him and his "overweight" girl. And just an fyi....I would be considered "overweight" according to the medical scales and charts, but that has NEVER stopped my legs being bent up over my head if the time is right. GET OVER IT!
"Belgian" would be code for watersports. If you don't believe me, visit a Belgian porno shop or fuck a Belgian. At some point, water will be spilled from either your urethra (GGG, emember?) or your partner's eyes. Unless I just happened to meet the dew Belgian WS fans in existence, then ignore this post.
Otherwise, great column.
By that time she'll be so financially tied to this guy that she'll put up with these snide, soul-destroying comments for another year while gaining another fifteen pounds from sheer misery before finally reaching self-esteem rock bottom and jettisoning the fellow. And need another year to rebuild herself again.
If he wants a girl who isn't overweight he should dump her and look for someone else...
Wow, do I sound bitter?? Well, my rock bottom was "I'm going on a 300 mile bike trip this weekend, you should come; and you could really use it, too" when I hadn't owned a bike in three years much less ridden on one. Five years later and I'm clawing away at the weight one Weight Watchers Point at a time; but I chose it myself, have an incredibly supportive partner, and am much, much happier.
Real advice, SD, from your girl five years from now? Shut up. Don't say anything to her about her weight. She knows she's overweight. Read what you know about her; is she content at her size; does she want to lose weight; has lost any weight since you've known her? Positive answers are yes (because unhappy people gain more than happy people), yes (because she has a larger weight-loss goal) and yes (because she's taking steps to achieve that goal). If there are any no's then you're taking a risk that she'll never lose any weight no matter what good examples you set. If they're all no's then dump her now so she can find someone who wants her bigness. If you decide to be with her then ACT don't TELL. Cook healthy meals, go on long walks, listen when she talks about her weight loss, offer support and do NOT offer advice.
My husband found out I'd always wanted to learn to play tennis. For our anniversary last year he bought rackets. For Christmas he bought me a super cute tennis dress and spanx in my size (not the size I "hope" to be). For Valentines Day he gave me lesson coupons to teach me how to play. Once I learn to play and hold my own against him, I'm planning on playing him while wearing that tennis outfit-without the spanx. Cuz even though I'm overweight I still know how to blow his mind... and cuz he loves me plus the extra 30 lbs I still want to blow his mind.
Now you have no sanitary issues whatsoever. You're welcome!
Regarding fat chicks:
I'm a certifiably fat woman. According to the nifty little BMI chart, I probably cacked it yesterday. I'm also in a long term relationship with a hot sex life. My weight has really never been a problem for trying new positions, except for the few where the one partner holds up the other. And, really, that seems like it would get tiring after a while even with a slim partner. We've actually found a lot more complications with our height difference. I'm 5'2 and my partner's almost 6'. Makes it hard to fuck in the shower.
Also, SD sounds like he's looking for an excuse to be a douche. A fat chick's good enough to fuck but not good enough to date? Same old story.
If your cool with being over weight then own it but accept that it's not a majority of the populations list of attractive features.
My family is largely over weight and miraculously those in the family who choose to eat right and be active aren't fat! What a fucking concept! We've only gotten the eat right and be active talks since kindergarten we're just too lazy as North Americans to do it. Our country is full of crap foods and we largely refuse to move away from convenience of readily available fat and sugar plus we would rather melt our brains on TV than walking the dog. So Americans get fat. Its not fucking rocket science. You want to feel good about yourself, and confident and healthy? Get off the fucking couch and stop making excuses.
It's great that you dropped the idiot you were dating before, and according to JDKing apparently human bodies are bunsen burners so I hope you enjoy your new WW routine because those crazy fuckers are like a goddamned cult. If you stay right on the plan and never reach your goal weight, even if you're eating 600 calories a day? They'll accuse you of gaining weight because of cough drops. No fucking shit.
For JDKing - gee, I wonder why with all the social support we always see for fatties, why no one ever thought of eating right and exercising?? Could it be because a LOT OF FAT PEOPLE DO THAT AND DON'T BECOME THIN? Gee! I'll bet it is! Because nearly no study ever follows people for five years after any 'weight loss' plan, because those that do? invariably find that after five years, the vast, vast majority of them gained it all back. Hmm. Maybe some of your family are all statistical outliers, but maybe you're just a hater and a jackass and the fat people in your family are just fine.
On a macro scale, willpower isn't the answer to that problem any more than determination is how you can change your sexual orientation or stop sleeping indefinitely. It's defying your instincts and nature, something that can be done but only up to a point.
Changes (some, generally fairly, would say advancements) in technology and society got us into this mess; it's going to take more of the same to get us out of it. Or a few thousand years of evolution, whichever comes first. I'm betting on the former.
Great column as always!
Best husband ever. That's the way to get someone to slim down.
My boyfriend takes me rockclimbing and cooks for me. ^_^
Another hint, if you cook lots of healthy food, there's more gorgonzola apple walnut salad in the fridge, so you don't have to reach for cookies. Cooking just enough to leave you hungry is a bad idea, and inevitably leads to baked goods.
Big fan here. Long time reader, first time commenter, etc.
FAT the towel-fucker had me thinking about two things.
First: As a lad with zero information about sex, I learned to masturbate in the same way as FAT: humping whatever fabric was available in a pile on the bed. It was not great. The difficulty, even at the squirt-tastic age of 15, was to come
before I rubbed myself bloody. I doubt that FAT's body is "spoiled" by the awesome sensations of laundry-humping, so that mere mucous-membranes can't compete. When after years of sex with textiles, I at last figured out how to jerk off with my hands, it was like being given a feathery wing-job by sexy angels.
Second: A person's inability to orgasm in "normal" situations, while they come easily in
highly ritualized or fetishized situations that provide emotional safety, is a textbook case in psychoanalysis. I don't mean to advocate analysis in general, much less any particular flavor of analysis. I merely suggest that such a pathological anorgasmia seems likely to be the result of deep sexual neurosis. I'd like to further suggest the possibility that his success with towels is simply another symptom, and not the cause, of his fundamental distress.
Don't be so damn negative. It was a good letter. Or - well, actually it was a weird, creepy letter, but it was interesting.
And as for the getting a partner to lose weight thing, well, godspeed. I never had any luck and I tried all the supportive and constructive approaches I could think of. It's hard.
Our kids are so fat they can't even call it adult onset anymore
As for GL and the other fattie-haters above, stop showing your ignorance. It isn't a lie that some people can eat bugger-all and still be fat. And if the only way you can maintain an "acceptable" weight is to eat 1000 calories a day, there is such a thing as malnutrition. And yes, people who are fat can still be malnourished.
(Not to say that some people eat shit and use their genetics as an excuse, but not that many - most people will cop to eating shit when they do. They just don't -care- about other people trying to police their bodies)
Like, yeah, it's totally fine to have a FWB arrangement with this girl and he really likes her, but y'know, if he's in a RELATIONSHIP with her it's like admitting what he really likes is his booty extra-plush.
Maybe he needs to deal with that possible issue before trying to date a woman he already wants to change...because if she really did end up changing, would he still genuinely wanna jump her as he does now?
If you can't be with her without conditions, then don't be with her.
http://www.healthystrokes.com
With one caveat - it could also include his reluctance to commit to someone. Maybe he doesn't want to close down his options if he sees another potential partner - skinny or fat, doesn't matter. It may be that he's constantly on the lookout for something "better", in which case he shouldn't move in with her because he's simply not ready to settle on one woman.
@ 5 and others - I'm also a bit annoyed at the repeat of a slog letter when I too have sent in multiple letters over the years. I've complained about it a lot and often receive abuse from the "leave poor Dan alone" brown nosers. It's not as though he's doing volunteer work people! Dan hasn't done it much in the last month or so, so I'm willing to forgive this relapse.
Finally, did anyone else feel like the last letter may have been bullshit? I mean, how does someone who seems to be so naïve about sex and his own body even have the ways and means to arrange "sessions" with "2 well-known porn stars?" I'm assuming this guy is rather young. Am I just making unfair assumptions?
PCOS: 6-8% of the population
Hypothyroidism: 3% of the population, more of them women than men
And to throw in an outlier disease most people are unaware of:
Lipedema: 5% of the population, and the kicker, you can't lose weight, no matter what you do.
So, a whole lot more than one or two percent of the population has a disease causing weight gain. And I haven't even thrown in depression, where SSRI's cause weight gain.
Inaccuracy annoys me.
PCOS: 6-8% all women by definition
Hypothyroidism: 3%, mostly women
Lipedema: 5-11%, mostly women, and the kicker, you can't lose the weight. Anorexia and WLS don't touch it.
So considerably more than one percent of the population has endocrine problems. Not that those can be the only medical reason to gain weight uncontrollably. Inaccuracy annoys me.
I tried posting this before but when I came back to the column I didn't see it. If this is a double post, my apologies.
"Well-known porn stars" can mean anything in these days of rampant online amateur porn. They weren't necessarily A-listers and it wasn't necessarily free.
Here's the thing that I never hear articulated in the fat debates. YES, some people have a harder time losing weight than others. NO, simply getting off the couch and eating a sensible diet won't make everyone skinny. But there ARE ways for just about anyone to be lean -- it's just that they may be drastically unpleasant. Like never, ever, eating any kind of starch or sugar again, and working out twice a day. This guy writes a lot about that: http://tnation.tmuscle.com/free_online_f…
Losing weight is possible for everyone, but hell on earth for some, depending on their genetic makeup.
I think it's understandable for someone to say "no thanks" to that particular level of hell. If she's naturally heavy, it may be that the kind of diet & exercise that works for Some Dude may be not nearly enough for her. I don't think anybody can make that decision for her.
And you haven't added in people on long-term prednisone and many antipsychotics (which are also used to treat bipolar disorder nowadays). Lots of people are overweight for reasons that make it much harder for them to control than average.
Awww... I LOVED romance!
I too remember those funny old codes (from Advocate, Drummer, James Merrill books, etc.). You could bring them back Dan! While "top" and "bottom" are indeed easier and more descriptive and less romantic but you have the power to change all that. Remember "santorum"? As if anyone could forget!
I vote we all go back to using "Greek Active", "French Passive" and the like. I mean, there was that whole resurgence of 70's fashion after Ashton Kutcher re-popularized it, why can't we do that with romance? You should take the lead in "re-mystifying" sex so it can be...well, more sexy! In the same way that someone wearing very revealing clothes is often more sexy than someone who is just naked.
I just have one question. What do you call someone who is "versatile"? Maybe "Belgian"?
Now, there's nothing wrong with being attracted to certain looks - body types, hairstyles, whatever. But what Dan is suggesting is completely disingenuous. Previously, Dan has told letter writers that they're within their rights to expect that their partners will do their best to *maintain* their weight and appearance, since that's what the other person signed up for. However, getting into a relationship with this woman means that you accept her, like her, and are attracted to her AS SHE IS. If you can do that, great - mazel tov. If you can't, spare her the passive-aggressive comments about being "healthy" and "fit" and just keep the friends-with-benefits arrangement that you have going.
My point is that Some Dude must be aware of how this potential girlfriend feels about her weight. If she is happy as she is, then he should make his decision based on her as she is now, not on some hope of wheedling her into weight-loss. If she's unhappy with her weight and hopes to be slimmer, then offering his support to help her reach her goals is appropriate, as long as it doesn't deteriorate into mind games and recriminations.
But to me, it all comes down to her attitude to her weight. Does she even feel that it is a problem? If not, then he doesn't have to right to try and make it into one.
And about SD - yes, it sounds like yet another case of being too embarrassed to date a woman because of her weight. How can it possibly be the position thing if they're already fucking? Also, I am of the firm belief that a lack of positions is only due to a lack of creativity or persistence.
And there is something to the metabolism thing. Sure, there are plenty of overweight people who are that way for obvious reasons, but there are also some that are that way because of other things, or because losing weight would only be possible through making life completely miserable (and I'm talking about what #38 said, not because life would be hell without twinkies). If you don't believe it, think about the opposite thing - how many people do you know who are skinny for NO GOOD REASON? I know several. I know a guy who is the laziest person I've ever seen, eats the worst food imaginable in large quantities. His idea of a perfect day is to sit on the couch playing video games for 12 hours, interspersed with gorging on buffalo wings and candy. This has been his whole life, but he's also the skinniest person I know - he's a veritable twig. I've known plenty of other similar people, he's just the most extreme example. Don't tell me you've never seen a skinny person who can eat whatever the hell they want and has no exercise program.
To everyone who's trying to lose weight: GOOD for you! I lost 50 pounds last summer on Weight Watchers. I ate really healthy and ran everyday for 45 min and did 25 crunches.I've maintained my weight goal and I did it for myself. I feel great now. I will always remember when I was bigger and what potential partners did for me good AND bad.I will always keep my sympathy for people who honestly try to lose weight because I know how hard it is.
If I were the woman this letter referred to, I'd be heading for the hills. Going into a relationship looking for the earliest possible opportunity to change a partner is the kind of psychotic bullshit that men have been complaining about since the invention of language.
To all ladies out there who are currently thinking 'This can't be MY fuckbuddy...can it?" DTMFA. There is an awesome man who will think you're beautiful and be proud to have you on his arm out there somewhere, and you won't find him while clinging on to this passive aggressive clod.
If I were the woman this letter referred to, I'd be heading for the hills. Going into a relationship looking for the earliest possible opportunity to change a partner is the kind of psychotic bullshit that men have been complaining about since the invention of language.
To all ladies out there who are currently thinking 'This can't be MY fuckbuddy...can it?" DTMFA. There is an awesome man who will think you're beautiful and be proud to have you on his arm out there somewhere, and you won't find him while clinging on to this passive aggressive clod.
You call them Italian, because Italy is in between France and Greece.
Gonna piss off the cast of Jersey Shore, but oh well.
If I were the woman this letter referred to, I'd be heading for the hills. Going into a relationship looking for the earliest possible opportunity to change a partner is the kind of psychotic bullshit that men have been complaining about since the invention of language.
To all ladies out there who are currently thinking 'This can't be MY fuckbuddy...can it?" DTMFA. There is an awesome man who will think you're beautiful and be proud to have you on his arm out there somewhere, and you won't find him while clinging on to this passive aggressive clod.
Fantasy week? Early April's Fool day column.
First, we have a guy who's complaining that somebodies paying to get his apt. cleaned. I'd let the old perv do it for free.
Second, we have a guy who's complaining of having prolonged mutlipositional multiorificial sex with not one but two porn stars. I call that boasting.
Thanks for the laughs.
You call them Italian, because Italy is in between France and Greece.
Gonna piss off the cast of Jersey Shore, but oh well.
But otherwise, excellent job and I adore you.
All that said, I'm so fucking sick of the "slow metabolism" excuse. I have an absurdly slow metabolism, which just means my body is more efficient at processing food than other people's bodies. I get more miles-to-the-gallon, as it were, and if we're ever stranded on a deserted island, I'm outliving everyone. When you have a more fuel-efficient body or car, you PUT LESS FUEL IN IT. Seriously.
Yes, people with fast metabolisms get to eat three meals a day-- including deserts-- along with periodic snacking, and they don't gain a pound. I only eat two portion-controlled meals a day, never snack or have dessert, primarily drink water (no soda or juice), and work out every morning to maintain my weight. It's not fair, but life isn't fucking fair. Some people just have to work harder than others to achieve the same goals.
Losing weight is a matter of science: if you burn more calories per day than you take in, you will lose weight (or else violate the laws of thermodynamics). Yes, those of us with slow metabolisms burn far fewer calories at rest than those with fast metabolisms. We have to compensate by eating less or burning more through activity.
BTW in these economic times, i'd LOVE to have a guy come over and PAY ME 50 bucks to clean my apt. Fuck he could do naked if that got his jollies off, or hell i'd walk around naked if that was his thing, jeez. Right now, I happily pay my cleaning lady $80 every two weeks (thank you Rosario for your hard work) but if i could GET $50 WEEKLY for a clean apt, well wow what a deal!
To Some Dude, i too think he's worried what his friends/family might think of him dating a fat woman. Neil Lebute dealt with this very same issue in his highly acclaimed play "Fat Pig".
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fat_Pig
But I do think that the fat defenders here are wrong that they're just naturally fat (unless as pointed out, its some extremely rare medical condition).
Here's my personal experience with weight gain. Last year i had a nasty break up with my boyfriend and stopped working out because i didn't want to run into him at the gym. So i stayed in, drank a bottles of wine with dinner, tried to drink my sorrows away on the weekend, ate junk and other bad foods. So surprise subsequently ballooned to 208 lbs! Before that, I was a fit guy that normally weighed in around the low 170s, and stand 5.11. So 208 pounds was shocking to me, plus i felt very unattractive with this huge beer gut.
Cut to my 2010 New years resolution, eat right, stop with the excessive drinking AND work out EVERY day. Yes that meant I had to get back to my gym (fuck the old boyfriend.) But most importantly i sprint/run 2.5 miles around my neighborhood every other night. Note, a personal trainer with a MS in nutrition once told me that running on a flat tread mill is TOTALLY ineffective, unless you've got the it cranked up to its highest elevation level your really not getting anything out of it.
Its now mid Feb. and I've already lost over 33 lbs. and have 10 more pounds to hit my target weight of 165 and yes i want to be thinner then i was before the weight gain.
So to all the fatties out there, i personally think its more important to be physically active than watching what you eat. And I'm not talking a nice walk with the dog. i mean work out until you break a sweat. Unless you're sweating buckets, you're not going to lose weight.
Just my 2¢
Example: my best friend is overweight, has weighed the same since middle school (literally), and her whole family is fat. She's not a glutton or a lazy-ass-- she eats a healthy, moderate diet, and goes to the gym every day. The point is, for her, that simply isn't going to make her thin -- which doesn't bother her, in fact, so long as she's healthy, so it's all good.
But if she did want to be thin, she'd have to do some crazy shit. People who have been fat since childhood (as opposed to people who temporarily let themselves go) have to do crazy shit to look different. Sometimes (depending on how good their nutritional advice is) it's actually safer for them if they don't do crazy shit.
I don't really have to do the crazy shit, myself; heavy weights and running and <1600 calories and I'm good. But some folks are just built differently. (Note to fatties -- there's a good chance that you're also better at gaining strength than your skinny friends. Make use of it.)
Then, a couple months ago, I said Fuck It! If this is going to be my life, then I should at least enjoy it. I started eating more, eating food that I liked and I bought myself a car. I stopped all diet attempts, and instead of a gym membership and personal trainer, I put gas in my new SUV and go do things that I enjoy. Without an ounce of effort, I've dropped 20 lbs in two months, and my pants continue to get bigger on me and I just shrunk out of my belt .
So, while yes, there are some people out there that are fat because they are lazy, they feast on cookies and cake, and don't exercise; there are also some of us that simply gain weight despite getting tons of exercise and eating very little or "right". For some, its not just a matter of getting off the couch and eating less. That surely didn't work for me. Granted, I still don't eat bad, I like fruits and veggies, but I also allow myself steak and potatoes when I crave them.
I still have a ways to go, but I know I will never be stick thin, nor do I want to be, as I don't even find that attractive. Plus, my guy needs my "love handles" for something to hang on to. So, next time you want to make the comment that all people are fat because they are lazy and eat too much, think back to that old elementary school saying...
I may be fat, but your [heart is] ugly, and I can [now] lose weight!
1) Social cost, embarrassment, loss of status. Guilt by association is probably the biggest factor for many men, and it's learned at a young age. Certainly, where I grew up, the fat kids were almost all at the bottom of the social ladder, and being friends with them meant that you too were a loser.
It's a hard thing to unlearn, and it doesn't really matter whether it's right or wrong. Even if a guy changes his own mind, he can't change the minds of his peers and colleagues. Most of us, men and women both included, lose a little bit of respect for someone if we think their partner's unattractive. Or at the very least, we certainly gain respect for someone if we think their partner is smokin' hot, and most people don't think that someone fat CAN be smokin' hot.
It's weird but I think a lot of people have more respect for a self-proclaimed chubby chaser. They may think it's a weird preference, but at least it's a CHOICE, not just that he "couldn't do any better".
2) Sometimes, paradoxically, people get turned on by the idea of fucking someone who's flawed (or "flawed") in a way that makes a commitment impossible. Who among us hasn't fantasized about having sex with someone we wouldn't want to date in a million years? If a guy knows he's not willing to have a real relationship with a girl because she's fat, it can make it easier for him to fuck her with abandon because it "doesn't matter" in the long run.
3) People gain weight as they get older. The fat chick who's deliciously ripe at twentysomething may be just plain morbidly obese at fortysomething, or after having a few kids. If that sounds harsh, well, that's just reality; when we decide whom to date or marry, we factor in a whole lot of things that sound harsh if discussed openly (income, for one).
4) Also related to #1: sometimes what we like to touch, and what we like to look at, aren't the same thing. A guy can enjoy the physical sensation of sex with a fat woman, but vastly prefer the way skinny women look...and we spend a lot more time in life looking (and being looked at) than touching.
5) This won't make me popular, but: yes, we all know about hormones and genes and so on, but there are a lot of people (men and women) who are fat because they lack self-control and/or ambition. This can be hot in bed ("Let's stay home all day and watch movies and fuck"), but not so good in other areas of life.
There's something about the softness and warmth of being enveloped in a round woman that they enjoy. One guy explained that watching a fat woman jiggle to his thrusts was part of the thrill--a very visual stimulus for him. He loved to squeeze and smack fat asses...it felt better to him, more to hold on to.
He said a lot of other stuff too, but I don't want to hear the responses that it would likely elicit, so I'll stop here.
Eat frequent, small meals. Cut down on carbs. Up your protein. Do weight training. Oh, and about the exercise. There is a PLATEAU. If you keep doing the same exercises, your body is going to stop responding, you're not going to lose much weight or gain much muscle. Sure, your heart health will be good, but physically, you're not going to change much.
Is any of this easy? NO! But I too am tired of the "but I exercise and eat healthy" and "I have a slow metabolism." All of the obese people in American are not that way because of underlying medical issues.
If anyone wants to seriously reshape their body, gain flexibility, feel strong and healthy, I'd recommend a program like p90x. Yes, it kicks your ass. But I don't see how anyone COULDN'T slim down and tone up, if you do the workouts and follow the diet plan (which has great recipes and won't make you feel starved).
I'm not saying that everyone has to look like a body builder. It's just, there probably are further, healthy steps you can take if you find yourself with a lot of excess body fat. Even after an intense program, you could still be bigger than all your friends. So what. You're still going to be more flexible, stronger, and probably healthier.
Oh, and like many people said, there are men who will be attracted to you and love you regardless of your appearance, including excess weight. It's not fair that overweight/fat/obese people are made to be assexual, emotionless beings. If you're OK with extra pounds and are pretty healthy, tell that dude you're going to find someone else to fuck.
Come to think of it, the LW SAID he had no problem with her weight. Dan brought that try-to-change-her crap into it.
I think the new guy has a right to say he's only going to move in if it is on monogamous terms. The old perv can probably find some other young hot man to cut the same deal with (maybe he has one for every day of the week already).
ps. Learning to nail my fat lady taught me thing for my skinny partners too ;)
He has a purely sexual relationship with her, yet he's worried that she's too fat for good sex if they make a serious go of a relationship?
What a load of bullshit.
My guess is that she's indicated she wants a serious relationship, and he's trying to find some excuse to get out of it. I mean, fucking a fat chick while playing the field is okay, but a FAT GIRLFRIEND? That's, like, a loss of status!
I hope the poor girl dumps this wanker before he has a chance to break her heart.
Sounds to me like they're reacting to the implication that fat=lazy. Which, sure, is defensive, but given the number of people here who are STILL INSISTING that if you're fat that just means you're not exercising and dieting in the right way . . . well, it seems a fairly justified defensiveness.
And, sure a lot of people who are overweight can lose weight by exercising more and eating fewer carbs and so on. But that's not really the point. People have a right to smoke even if it gives them lung cancer and people have a right to not floss their teeth if they don't want to and people have a right to be fat without the whole world feeling smugly superior to them.
For years I thought that I was fat because I was "a pig", since that's what other people told me. Finally when I got to high school, hit puberty, wanted a girlfriend and realized I would never have one unless I lost weight, I started actively struggling against the constant and tremendously strong inner impulse to eat, eat, eat... For a year I spent lunch period in the library reading books, feeling miserable and starving. I lost weight. A girl told me, "Now that you've lost weight, I've realized, your actually hot." I didn't believe that could be possible. Evidently it was. For most of my childhood I was made fun of for the way I looked, and then from high school and on, I've been praised for being a hottie. Go figure.
Anyway, I realize now that I had a food addiction. My parents divorced when I was 6 years old and I dealt with it by blowing up like a blimp. I have struggled with this my whole life, and I have spent a huge amount of time fighting it, seeking to understand it, struggling to overcome it, and for the most part, I have. I can still "go there" if I let myself, but most of the time I have the willpower not to.
I have to say though, to overcome this thing was FUCKING DIFFICULT! For people who have never struggled with it, you just do not understand how hard it can be to overcome. The difference between food addiction and alcohol addiction, is that you can never quit eating. It's like being a raging alcoholic, and having to learn how to only drink one beer with every meal, when you're whole system is screaming for you to slam a 12-pack...
I think there can be many reasons for someone being overweight. Being "lazy" and eating too much is just one possibility out of many. I think we should never assume anything about a fat person. We really have no idea why they look that way, and what tribulations they have gone through in their lifetime. Maybe more than you could handle yourself...
Remember, compassion makes you smart... peace.
Best comment ever! Up until the Second: anyway. You know that sort of psychoanalysis has been discredited right? No matter, your sex with textiles speech makes up for your failure in psychology.
The situation itself is minor except that it does (IMO) raise a red flag, because if TAFT is uncomfortable with it and his bf refuses to respect that, it speaks volumes about the potential for the relationship to be unhealthy. All TAFT's bf has to do is tell the old perv "It's been a good run, but it has to end, because my bf is uncomfortable with it and I can't jeopardize our future. Thanks and good luck." If TAFT's bf refuses to do this, he doesn't really care about TAFT and TAFT is bound to get more & more unhappy as the relationship progresses.
I don't really have a problem w/not being able to come in a partner's mouth or ass, and neither do they. After a long fuck session, I pull out and fuck their pec valley & give tham a shiny new pearl necklace, bringing a whole new meaning to breakfast at Tiffany's.
Telling somebody the obvious does nothing to address the underlying cause - which is not always as simple as "lol run around outside!" (shattered kneecaps from an accident) or "don't eat big macs (medical conditions that slow the body's metabolism)
But people also have a right to feel smugly superior to whomever they want!
Sure you may have a right to make your own choices about your lifestyles, but it is just as surely hypocritical to then dictate how other people must to feel about it.
Thank you. Overweight people offering excuses need to reread that 50 times. "Laws of thermodynamics" in particular. And if you put in 1200 calories and burn 1200 calories each day, you will not ever, ever, ever gain weight. It is physics and chemistry, people, not magic or disease, that determines what you weigh. Physics and chemistry. Calories in, calories burned. Nothing more.
NOW do you understand why people roll their eyes when you say it isn't your "fault"? While it is not an issue of "fault--being overweight is not a crime or anything wrong--it sure as hell is an issue of responsibility for adults. (Fat kids get a pass until adulthood.)
Every single calorie in our bodies are put there by us. Every single one.
Yeah, there is food constantly in reach. Yeah, it is hard to say no to it. And exercise can be a pain. Here is my sympathy. But sympathy will not make the weight go away, so quit trying to play on it.
But whatever else you do, I beg you, stop saying anything else in the universe is responsible for putting more calories into your body than you use. YOU do that, no one else.
Overweight people with excuses are only convincing themselves. Either reduce your calories or up your burn rate. If you don't want to do either, then you accept the condition and own it.
While he didn't bother to elaborate on the limitations, I'd imagine that experimenting with new positions, getting a wedge or foam pillow to use as a prop, or even just encouraging his partner to try out basic flexibility and stretching exercises might all potentially help.
1) I really *don't* think the first guy secretly wants the old toothbrush man there. And I think it's fair that he doesn't want someone he feels is creepy in _his_ flat, even if it is shared. I think it's fair for Dan to say he should stop and really think about it. But this is his living space. To me, it's a tough one.
2) Don't tell this guy to start going out with the fat girl and then start guilt tripping her. Bullshit.
3) Standard answer here: re-train your dick. But it always makes me wonder... Why is this the standard answer for guys, but girls who need vibrators to get off are told that they "require" vibrators? Do they really? Or is this a double standard?
You're forgetting a key phrase in the 2nd law-- within a closed system. People are not closed systems. We're certainly not simple systems. There are bajillions of factors at play in the human body, processes we don't understand yet. Processes we haven't even dreamed of. How do I know this? Well, I'm a chemistry PhD student. Understanding energy is kind of my job. Trust me when I say you're oversimplifying.
Hmm. Cannot wait for you to identify the third port of entry or egress in the human alimentary canal. Are we breathing in calories?
"Trust me when I say you're oversimplifying."
Feel free to postulate a theory, write a paper and deserve the trust. Until then....
/point&laugh
Which is the more likely hypothesis: that people who are overweight take in more calories than they burn, or that there are some heretofore unknown chemical processes that spontaneously generate calories within certain people, and that those processes are thus far undetectable by any known means, and that the number of people exhibiting these processes happens to correlate with the prevalence of fatty foods and sedentary lifestyles within a society?
Scientists are supposed to look at things objectively. Stop compromising your scientific neutrality in your search for victimhood.
But overall, I'm more attracted to athletes, so I aspire to train like an athlete.
I was insanely happy with a larger discus thrower than some weirdo that smoked herself thin.
I guess, I'm sick and tired of the weight worships, because it means very little to me.
I don't look at a woman's weight, I look at her PROPORTIONS, and if I see some skinny waif with NO ASS whatsoever, I think to myself, she won't keep up with me on the ski slopes, and she will forever bitch that I'm trying to turn our physical activities into some contest (which has been the source of needless fights and why I prefer to work out alone.)
A solidly built fitness junky is surprisingly heavier than you might believe. As a result, weight is like totally meaningless.
Really, I'm more attracted to a woman that knows her body and how to use it, than a woman who knows the needle exchange depot. Most sensible guys would agree. If you just want to pick someone on aesthetics, there is always porn.
Losing weight step one, STOP DRINKING SODA! I have met so many endomorphs who dropped like 20 pounds simply because they gave up soda. You don't need it, it trashes your body chemistry ... blah blah blah.
Losing weight step two, find something you enjoy physically that you can push yourself 110%. Then set up a routine, relax, and enjoy it. Even if you don't lose weight, you will look and feel better about life, and if nothing else, you have nothing to bitch about anymore. Your friends and peers will see your active lifestyle, and at the bare minimum will stop judging you and let you be happy.
So you hate lifting weights or running, as does 80% of America. But in America, that's the general status quo of fitness. Why don't you do SOMETHING ELSE? Like martial arts, basketball rec league, WALKING. Finding something physical for the sheer happiness of the activity will allow you to make more significant meaning full strides.
And the amazing thing is, your body will adapt to the proportions required by your passion (well to a certain degree ... but more than you would imagine ... and yes it takes time)
And that is step 3 to losing weight, it takes TIME! Sometimes even a decade of commitment. You have to learn to enjoy the process, otherwise you will inevitably fail.
So, yay conservation of energy, but no, it's not as simple as eating less and exercising more.
This is the problem with dieters: they think they can make temporary adjustments to lose weight, after which they can go back to their old, unhealthy habits. You need to make *permanent* changes in your lifestyle if your prior habits led to excessive weight.
Weight loss, fitness, etc. is a marathon, not a sprint. That's why it takes willpower: because you need to endure as the months and years go on. Yes, some people need to exert more willpower than others to keep the weight off. And yes, there are some fat people who have more willpower than some skinny people, and just lack the genetic blessing the weak-willed, skinny person enjoys.
But weight loss is still a matter of discipline: eat less, exercise more.
Do you resemble "The Family Guy" with six chins?
Is your current GF a small, meek little stick thin Barbie Doll while you waddle around carrying the House Budweiser Built?
Who's the piggy?
Furthermore, I don't need to do research to postulate that human bodies are fucking complicated. It's already been done for me, thousands of times over. But thanks for playing
despite the years of hard work i have put in, if some of you judgmental fuckers saw me walking down the street, you'd still call me a fat bitch. you might even helpfully offer some tired calories in/calories out bullshit, or tell me that maybe i ought to take the stairs, or describe your own workout routine with the kind of pompous zeal usually reserved for televangelists. and you probably wouldn't try to get to know me first.
my addition to the conversation is this - you have no idea what anyone is going through or where they've been unless you respectfully ask. so before you throw ignorant judgments around about all of us 'fatties', have a little compassion and maybe focus on your own side of the street. personally, i am doing just fine cleaning mine, thanks.
"Belgian" would be code for watersports. If you don't believe me, visit a Belgian porno shop or fuck a Belgian. At some point, water will be spilled from either your urethra (GGG, emember?) or your partner's eyes. Unless I just happened to meet the dew Belgian WS fans in existence, then ignore this post.