Savage Love

Fabulous Jackboots, Eh?

Comments

102
@96...You're focusing on the adjectives I used, such as contemplative over the actual message. I hit it dead on with the guys that "hem and haw." Some are just hesitant and making cunnilingus an "optional thing" vs. their standard blow-job, some NEVER go down, most women have experienced the gamut of these un-enthusiasts. I'm exaggerating assuming a guy like this is "gay", yes. I just find it ODD when so men are clearly wanting to get laid all the time and have all this testosterone and horniness, except when it comes to cunnilingus which renders them spineless and squeamish. Since becoming a picky screener this hasn't happened to me for some time, but I like to stand up for women because I know (as a woman) that women aren't speaking up. Infuriatingly, there are many men that think getting laid means 1.) blow-job and 2.) a screw. You'd be surprised... I've heard it from my brothers and their friends, lucky me! Yet women are made constantly aware of the eternal blow job deficit that plagues mankind! We hear about it through movies, porn, television, etc... I'm definitely NOT saying softer guys and the "thinkers" are gay, NOT that there's anything wrong with it. ;) I'm attracted to metrosexuals and refined types myself. I'm saying it's easier to write a man off as "gay(ish)" if he can't dive into pussy and there's a lot of women that think this to be the case not just Dan. Maybe we think it out of convenience or reassurance, who knows. I refuse to believe all these women saying they don't love getting oral, that's just crazy. They've just had a bad experience with an unenthused type. Most of these women think it's just easier to not be into it. The pro-lickers need better PR because the anti-lickers seem to be winning. Most women just want guys to want it. Just like men wanting women to want to go down on them. It's funny how it works both ways. Kudos to the good guys out there, we hear you.
103
@96...You're focusing on the adjectives I used, such as contemplative over the actual message. I hit it dead on with the guys that "hem and haw." Some are just hesitant and making cunnilingus an "optional thing" vs. their standard blow-job, some NEVER go down, most women have experienced the gamut of these un-enthusiasts. I'm exaggerating assuming a guy like this is "gay", yes. I just find it ODD when so men are clearly wanting to get laid all the time and have all this testosterone and horniness, except when it comes to cunnilingus which renders them spineless and squeamish. Since becoming a picky screener this hasn't happened to me for some time, but I like to stand up for women because I know (as a woman) that women aren't speaking up. Infuriatingly, there are many men that think getting laid means 1.) blow-job and 2.) a screw. You'd be surprised... I've heard it from my brothers and their friends, lucky me! Yet women are made constantly aware of the eternal blow job deficit that plagues mankind! We hear about it through movies, porn, television, etc... I'm definitely NOT saying softer guys and the "thinkers" are gay, NOT that there's anything wrong with it. ;) I'm attracted to metrosexuals and refined types myself. I'm saying it's easier to write a man off as "gay(ish)" if he can't dive into pussy and there's a lot of women that think this to be the case not just Dan. Maybe we think it out of convenience or reassurance, who knows. I refuse to believe all these women saying they don't love getting oral, that's just crazy. They've just had a bad experience with an unenthused type. Most of these women think it's just easier to not be into it. The pro-lickers need better PR because the anti-lickers seem to be winning. Most women just want guys to want it. Just like men wanting women to want to go down on them. It's funny how it works both ways. Kudos to the good guys out there, we hear you.
104
@101...mature...
105
@96...You're focusing on the adjectives I used, such as contemplative over the actual message. I hit it dead on with the guys that "hem and haw." Some are just hesitant and making cunnilingus an "optional thing" vs. their standard blow-job, some NEVER go down, most women have experienced the gamut of these un-enthusiasts. I'm exaggerating assuming a guy like this is "gay", yes. I just find it ODD when so men are clearly wanting to get laid all the time and have all this testosterone and horniness, except when it comes to cunnilingus which renders them spineless and squeamish. Since becoming a picky screener this hasn't happened to me for some time, but I like to stand up for women because I know (as a woman) that women aren't speaking up. Infuriatingly, there are many men that think getting laid means 1.) blow-job and 2.) a screw. You'd be surprised... I've heard it from my brothers and their friends, lucky me! Yet women are made constantly aware of the eternal blow job deficit that plagues mankind! We hear about it through movies, porn, television, etc... I'm definitely NOT saying softer guys and the "thinkers" are gay, NOT that there's anything wrong with it. ;) I'm attracted to metrosexuals and refined types myself. I'm saying it's easier to write a man off as "gay(ish)" if he can't dive into pussy and there's a lot of women that think this to be the case not just Dan. Maybe we think it out of convenience or reassurance, who knows. I refuse to believe all these women saying they don't love getting oral, that's just crazy. They've just had a bad experience with an unenthused type. Most of these women think it's just easier to not be into it. The pro-lickers need better PR because the anti-lickers seem to be winning. Most women just want guys to want it. Just like men wanting women to want to go down on them. It's funny how it works both ways. Kudos to the good guys out there, we hear you.
106
Sorry for all the duplicates, total glitch!
107
@ 71 and subsequent posts. you are clearly projecting your own experiences onto all of humanity. fucking chill already. sorry but nothing annoys me more than someone attempting to stand up for one group of people by making ignorant comments about another group of people. you might be totally right about what you are saying in terms of the people that you know, but that doesn't mean that's true of everyone. everywhere.
and just because what you were saying was rooted in something good, like men should eat pussy, doesn't negate the fact that some of the shit your saying on here is fucking ignorant and offensive.
108
MavenX, I'm sorry, but I'm one of those mythical unicorn women too. I've recieved oral for any number of guys, with varying la\evels of enthusiasm, and I have never been able to achieve even the tingly-good feelings that indicate arousal, let alone orgasm. It's not a matter of being a prude or gynophobe, it's more to do with disliking the sensation. Whoever described it as being dabbed at with a damp sponge upthread is spot on the mark - that how it feels for me, and coupled with the unpleasant senstion of warm saliva dribbling down my butt cheeks... I prefer to pass.
Recieveing oral is something I will only do to please a partner who insists, and that is usually more because they want to show off their skills than because they genuinely love the act. Still, I think everyone should be willing to offer, male and female. But not every set of genitals will respond to the same sensations.
109
#99. Your boyfriends mouth is way nastier than your vagina. He should be brushing his teeth before licking your sweet spot.

With men being so visually stimulated, we can tell you exactly how we want a blowjob to be performed on us, because we've see it before. We want it sloppy, varying amounts of hand and mouth action, we want our head teased, balls licked, etc. Most guys have a favorite blowjob scene in their porn stash.

Problem is most porn stars suck major ass when it comes to giving head, and guys are only emulating what they see. As a result, you get guys giving either half-hearted efforts or trying to gnaw off the clit.

Think about this...your breath doesn't smell that great all the time, what makes you think that a vagina should smell like daffodils 24/7? Pussy has a unique aroma, but it doesn't always smell the same. I noticed that my gf tends to smell stronger when she's ovulating. And once I get her wet, the odor goes away. If you still have hangups over the smell, how about you be proactive, instead of a douche, and suggest the two of you shower together, cause I'm pretty sure your balls could use some scrubbing as well.

Bottom line...learn to love the pussy, and it will reap major benefits. I learned the power that great cunnilingus gives you in my teens. I'm nor proclaiming to be best best or anything like that, all I know is that I haven't come across one woman who didn't experience squirting orgasms, and they always 'expressed their gratitude' afterwards. I have never had to ask for a blowjob. That's having power at the tip of your tongue.
110
I'm a vagetarian and love chowing down a good Smoked Meat Sandwich as often as I can. I also love to watch her pussy pulsate after the Big O!!
111
@69 You ask what is the big deal about oral?

How 'bout 10 minute orgasms for starters...
I confess I have yet to meet a man that didn't seem to love giving me a good licking (I'm 43). Guess I've just been lucky, but I think perhaps most normal men love pussy!
112
Doctors do not tell people they have six months to live. This only happens in the movies. Real doctors do not do this because prognoses come true. I call shenanigans.
113
I hated Prudie's advice to the latex glove fetish mom. Dan might have also told her-if she'd asked him, and she should have- that following Prudie's advice to take the kid to a psychiatrist will likely result in his being doped to the gills on whatever designer psych drugs the rep just dropped off, none of which are intended or clinically tested on children. Seriously- what a disaster that advice was- I hated that. Hated it. I hope that lady reads Dan, or at least the Fray- Prudie's discussion board.
114
It really doesn't help to say 'DTMFA' without offering some suggestions to make the guy happier with cunnilingus.

I'm not particularly attracted to pussy, I couldn't stand the smell of an ex girlfriend (who refused to give me a blowjob, incidentally..) and I only go down on women I'm very keen on as otherwise I find it unpleasant.

I could probably learn to like it better, but this first of all needs a bit of understanding and guidance and second some appreciation and encouragement of any effort offered.

After Ms 'smelly pussy' my next girlfriend was uncomfortable with men going down on her. Is it any wonder it takes time to get over that?

I am bi, but trust me when I say that I very definitely like women. I just don't stick my head between the legs of every woman I get into bed with.

If you choose to remain in a sexual relationship as an adult, you have the responsibility to help your partner sort out some of their sexual issues. This goes double for sex advice columnists, who should be helping everyone improve their sex life rather than resorting to finding a new partner.
115
@69 : Perhaps you don't enjoy oral because it's not done the way you'd enjoy it. I never enjoyed oral until 35, when I met my current boyfriend - who *loves* pussy.

I was raised to think that oral on a woman was gross, and no boyfriend of mine ever offered to do down on me - though I gave oral to them. As for the shitty ex-husband, he tried it, and it was either bleh or hurting me. So I gave up on oral. Then came this guy who would love my genitals, taste, odor, everything, and I now get lovely orgasms out of oral.
116
Oh, Dan. I love love love you. I too thought of you immediately upon reading the Prudie letter (if fact, I mostly read her to groan at the horrible advice she gives). I have never felt strongly enough that you did wrong to leave a comment. Until today.
Why why WHY use so much space to rant about one Canadian asshole the week that you can officially marry whomever you want in our very own District of Columbia!!?!?!? Our Nation's Capitol! Gay Marriage! Congress could have fucked it up, Marion Barry could have fucked it up. But they didn't! It's awesome! Get on it, Dan!
117
@107 Seriously you're right. I guess everyone's perception becomes "truth" and mine MIGHT have snow-balled. I started looking for evidence a while ago. One time my friend told me that she thinks I'd rather be right then pleased on this issue. hmmmmm. Sorry for the offensive generalizations.
118
NOT's boyfriend isn't necessarily a fag; he might instead be a misogynist - he likes FUCKING women but (or because) he dislikes/hates women and therefore dislikes pussy as anything but a hole for him to fuck. Of course, NOT doesn't mention if her boyfriend likes fucking her pussy either; maybe he ONLY likes getting head (from women, which wouldn't necessarily make him gay OR misogynistic)? As there are gay men/women who are into only oral (or oral and manual/digital) sex, I imagine there are straight and bi (and pan and whatever else) people for whom the same holds true, although straight people may be more likely (or not, given the emergence of normalized homosexuality) to engage in sexual behaviors that are socially expected of their sex/gender/sexuality, as they have not necessarily already rejected one set of sexual norms. This could even conceivably manifest as a straight man who only LIKES receiving oral sex, DISLIKES performing oral sex, and IS INDIFFERENT TO using things like toys, fingers, his penis on sensitive areas of his partner to get her off (without getting himself off).

I doubt that's the case here, but it is possible, and I don't think that the letter (or what we see of it) has enough info to make a definitive determination. Although I'll agree that the "I don't like looking at pussy" thing screams either "gay!" or "misogynist!"

As a side note, I've spoken to many (straight-identified) people of both (binary, normative) genders who dislike (not just don't like, but actively dislike) giving oral sex. The two most common complaints I've encountered are muscle soreness (this can generally be avoided by changing positions and taking breaks) and taste (hard to do anything about this). As with most sexual practices people find distasteful (pardon the pun), in our culture women are simply more likely to suck it up (wow, hard to avoid puns when discussing oral sex) and give head than are men, though feminist discourse is slowly eroding this statistical difference.
119
Oral comes standard, or else you are a caveman/woman. End of discussion.

Man I feel bad for Latex Boy. Talk about trauma during you formative years.
120
Also, "jackboot of fascism"?! I know this "conservative" (the adoption of the term conservative is actually another instance of this, as these people seek to conserve very little, and that which they do wish to conserve only ever existed for-realzies in crazy fringe-minority communities) meme comes from intentional frame-fusion with no logical basis and is established through incessant repetition on talk radio and FOX and the like, and eventually other news-media organizations and the legislative debate chambers (look up propaganda, discourse, lexical framing, discourse subversion, Orwell's "1984" for more info), but how is it that anyone initially buys into a concept like "Not oppressing this specific minority group is tantamount to fascism"? It's not like the idea is to force YOUR church to accept gay members or perform gay marriages or whatever.

As another side rant, it drives me crazy that representatives want to block our health insurance reform here in the US if it DOESN'T SPECIFICALLY PREVENT FUNDING FOR ABORTION (which is a perfectly legal practice, and sometimes a medical and often a socioeconomic necessity), in addition to the federal law that already makes funding abortion-providing organizations with federal funds illegal, especially when the (constitutionally illegal) tax-exempt status of these fuckers' churches goes unchallenged
121
Thanks for writing about Canada, Dan. We really do need some help up here. All of our health care / gay marriage / pot decriminalization came from other governments, not this one--and we have a lot to fear from our current government.
122
"I don't like looking at pussy" thing screams either "gay!" or "misogynist!"
-----
Or "child molester" or "foot fetishist" or "latex fetishist" or "autisitic"....I love how the debate is instantly narrowed down to straight vs. gay.

Maybe he's just an ass?

You'd think we're all open-minded and enlightened about sex in 2010, but I swear I regularly hear the most Dark Ages bullshit "theories" come out of the mouths of people on a regular basis.

Example: Men who like "boyish" Asian girls have "homosexual tendencies."

Wouldn't men who like boyish Asian women be into...boys? And how does one define boyish? How does one define feminine beauty? Does this apply to men raised in China (no, I was told they get a pass)?

What about the fact that many straight men who go to prison end up having homosexual sex, regardless of their orientation? What does this mean?

Isn't the lesson here that this stuff is too complicated and too understudied to be engaging in Armchair Philosophy and using our lame-brained theories to sling mud at each other? Aren't we past all of this oversimplification and dismissal?

The crazy thing is that this often comes out of the mouth of gay men (looking at you Dan Savage). Talk about cutting your nose to spite your face. It's a cheap shot specifically designed for straight-identified males that attacks their masculinity, and in the process demeans gay people themselves as being something less than masculine and undesireable.

You can't sling that particular mud without getting some of it on yourself. At best the slinger is an asshole - you know people take it as an insult, rightly or wrongly, so why say it? - and at worst they're a bigot.
123
@118 Amazing post... It almost sounds like you've studied it for years, logical and enlightening.
124
Two thoughts on the prudie column.

1) I'm not usually one to pick on peoples names, but the shrink she cites is Dr. Kafka?!?

2) Of course he's not going to have a normal relationship - No one has a normal relationship. It's a statistical concept that doesn't apply to human people.
125
Dan,

I thought you would have mentioned how Canada's appointed Minister of Immigration has removed all mention of gay-equality in all Canadian immigration materials.

Something that we have always been very open about - letting LBGT people the world over know that they have a SAFE place to come to live their lives as they want.

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/poli…

The minister claims this is a "mistake" but he, like Towes was one of the biggest anti-gay marriage MPs and has said publically he'd like to see the law repealed.

Might I suggest:

"Getting a Towes and Kennedy" = having someone put both their testicles into your anus?
126
another asshole struggling with his own internal homosexual desires...
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/03/04…
127
just another asshole struggling with internal homosexual desires...http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/03/04/roy-ashburn-arrested-anti_n_485419.html
128
@98 I agree that Prudie is not handling this properly, by conflating it with deviance (although I don't think she's calling him a deviant per se) I also think this kid's actions around this fetish sound out of control, and that the mother has a reason to worry. I think there's truth in what she says and that the problem is not exactly the fetish, but what causes the fetish to go out of control. But, she also has issues with fetishes in general, which is misinformed to say the least. I just think, on the flipside, Dan takes this stuff too lightly sometimes.
129
I wonder *out loud* if NGA will start having thoughts about wanting her married lover to divorce his wife and be with her after the husband dies...
130
@115, maybe you're right, I do fantasize about it a lot but I'd rather not have it than risk someone being disgusted by me like some of the people here have admitted they are, that's more than just a turn-off, it's really horrifying! The times I've seen it in porn it's girl-girl anyway.
131
Go down or go home!
132
19lisa (#130), if a guy expresses disgust while/after going down on you, he's not worth your time. It sounds like it'd be well worth it for you to find a guy who enjoys going down on you, and how are you going to find him if you're scared a guy will be turned off by your pussy? Think of oral sex as one compatibility data point, rather than a test you can fail.

I used to find oral sex less than satisfying, till I met my current partner. He didn't have a lot of experience, but he wanted me to have a good time. We read the books She Comes First and He Comes Second together, and learned a lot from them. Amazon.com and some libraries carry these books.

Good luck to you! I hope you're able to give yourself a self-confidence boost, and then find a man who'll help you find out what the big deal is about oral.
133
That is so depressing to hear stories about women staying with guys that won't go down on them...when there's plenty of guys that love going down on women but haven't been able to get any for months. (shedding a tear)
134
re: NGA
you ever consider staying away from the straight couple advice there Dano?
first thing that came to my mind with her story was:
(travel back in time five years)
"well doc- how's it look?"
"um- not good- you have cancer- inoperable- but we may be able to prolong your life a short while with medication while you figure out how to destroy your family's life by telling them you're a goner- and in the meanwhile the meds are going to destroy your sex drive"
on the drive home guy thinks "I can't tell them anything- that would be unimaginable and only cause strain for my child - I'll just try to coast along and then die in one fell swoop"
coasting along a couple years luckily surviving he notices his wife having an affair anyway (ya- you do know straight men have brains, right?) and figures "oh well- since my family is over and done anyway I might as well break it to them"

women are selfish cunts Dan- once they lure men into dumping their loads and giving them children the guys are tossed wayside

keep up the affair to save your family "" ?
lmfao

but don't worry- I like reading your column to confirm my lack of faith in society- it helps me to remember to stay the fuck out of the way and hope for the end soon
135
He says he doesn't even like looking at my vagina
I don't know whats crazier - the fact that theres guys who say this sort of shit or that theres some women who put up with it.
136
102: I have large inner labia and I lubricate a lot. When someone's between my legs and they inhale, my bits freeze. It's horrible. I hate cold in general, cold fingers aren't invited inside me, I can't sleep with someone breathing on me, but the instant freeze that comes with an inhalation in that area is the worst, sends me right back to zero. It's not even a neutral thing I can do "for him"; it turns me off.

Which is sad, because pictures of dudes with their heads buried between ladylegs turn me on.

I don't think I should have to explain all of this to you, though. I'm glad you like being eaten out, but I find it insulting that you won't believe me when I say I don't. We're not all you.
137
There are a lotta secret fags here. I'm gay, but these secret fags are a cancer to everyone in their lives. Yes, if a man doesn't like looking at pussy, thinking about it, going down on it, etc...he sure as shit ain't straight.
138
@ 137 - You just said you're gay. How would you know what a straight guy thinks about anything? Are you reading minds?

You don't think a pussy is hot to look at or eat, and you're gay. Guy B doesn't think a pussy is hot to look at or eat either, so he must also be gay? That's your reasoning?

Awesome.

Secret fags and secret Jews and secret communists...if only we could root out these people and expose them for the societal cancer they truly are.
139
"How would you know what a straight guy thinks about anything? Are you reading minds?"

Yeah, it's just crazy to think that a straight guy would like pussy. Crazy...secret fag!
140
Straight men overthinking pussy? Nah, that'd never happen /sarcasm
141
Jonathan Toews just helped us win the Olympic gold in ice hockey, so I don't think many Canadians will help you with that. Hockey, as you may know, takes precedence over everything else in Canada.

But yeah, Vic Toews is a douchebag.
142
I'm not convinced that NOT's boyfriend is gay. In my experience, there are completely straight guys who aren't visually attracted to pussies. Maybe it has something to do with this: the qualities that our culture emphasizes in depictions of pretty girls are hard to find in a pussy. A pussy does not look well-mannered, smooth (even if you wax it, the innards still look messy), polished, graceful, or cute. So some guys focus less on the pussy than the parts that seem more feminine. I'm a straight girl, so I'd like to hear from someone who's attracted to girls: were you always visually attracted to pussies, or did you have to work to see their beauty?
143
Yes! Thank you Dan for bringing up the glove thing, thank you! She's getting more and more conservative (not that she was ever SAVAGE), but that was a terrible diagnosis and terrible advice. Don't know if you caught the comments on that article, but surprisingly almost everyone disagreed with her too, which I was glad to see. Her advice this week is about as equally infuriating (in reference to the nanny issue).
144
Thanks for adding that bit about Prudie! My hair was stood on end when I read her response. I kept thinking...why didn't she write to DAN?!?!?!?
145
hey;) . it's all cool, I Get It(.) ..and I Love You. I'm about to write you 518@;). Enjoy. Always,me
146
@hartiepie: Yes, never having sex even though you really want to have sex will mess with your mind. Trust me on this one. If the LW liked having lots of sex and then went without for five years, she would not end up as a happy camper. It's different if you don't want any or if you don't care. Like the difference between being on an extreme diet and being in a famine situation.

On another note, if NOT's boyfriend refused to kiss her mouth because he didn't like the way her face looked, would she have kicked him to the curb months ago? Gay or not, if he's refusing to look at and touch a part of her she needs to have looked at and touched, maybe, just maybe, they aren't right for each other. Or she could have a nasty infection or be a smoker, who knows.

The poor glove kid getting hassled by his mom, because goodness knows the average 13 year old isn't obsessed with sex. Oh, no. The hoarding is a problem, but it would be a problem if it was plastic porn-star pussy replicas, too. Perhaps the guys I knew back then were anomalous, but being somewhere between fascinated and obsessed with freaky sex shit was par for the course for the dudes I knew. Perhaps I've been reading Savage Love for too long, but I'd be suspicious of a 13 year old boy who was only interested in heterosexual missionary sex in the dark.
147
Best advice ever Dan! I love my woman's pie so much I wish I could wear glasses with a picture of it glued to the inside so I can look at it all day as I work!

You heard me G*****di~
148
"some cat;) with delicate desire for skill," send your cryptic little messages meant for only one person's eyes via e-mail, wouldya? It's getting old.
149
Did anyone else laugh their ass off at California state senator Roy Ashburn (Republican and gay-hater extraordinaire) getting pulled over for a DUI right after leaving a "gay" nightclub and he had an unidentified male passenger with him? I know my day just got better...
150
Just wanted to add that you don't have to be Canadian to know who Jonathan Toews is. After all, when he's not busy scoring goals for Team Canada, he's a resident of the Windy City.

I agree with the Canuckle heads: You can't make Toews into a bad word.
151
Hello Dan, Another Canadian here adding to the 150 or so comments. People need to know that there is a segment of society out there who don't care if they have sex, would actually rather NOT have sex, even though they wish to have relationships. Yes, it's weird. No, i'm not one of them, but i'm married to one of them. Look at http://www.asexuality.org to find more information on that topic. I thoroughly enjoy your column, Dan, wish i'd found it years earlier. Thanks for all the great info.
152
"Yeah, it's just crazy to think that a straight guy would like pussy. Crazy...secret fag!"

Not crazy, just a wonderful way to dodge the issue. Define "like." Does that mean like putting my dick in it? Putting my face in it? Putting it in my mouth? Eating it for dinner with a side of potatoes? Taking it out to a club?

Plenty of chicks and gay dudes love giving blow jobs but hate swallowing and dislike the sensation of cum on their faces.

But, but...I thought you liked cock! I thought you liked men! You should love my asparagus-flavored spunk in your mouth and eye! You must be a lesbo or a straight guy after all. You must not really love me.

If you can dislike my spunk, I can dislike your stinky cooter juice or your unshaven asshole.

Secret dipshit!
153
Oh, and just a post script on whoever it was who said we won't go crazy without sex... they are wrong, WRONG, WROOOOOOONNNNNNGGGGG. When you don't get any, it ends up being just about the only thing you think about all day long and way into the night. For those of us not getting any who have high sex drives, it very well can drive you insane.
154
@39 & 40. The Canadian politician you mentioned is Don Boudria not Don Boudia. You forgot to put the "r" in his surname.
155
"Define 'like'."

THat's like those guys who say "I like female 'energy', and the concept of having sex wtih women, just not having sex with women" or "we should wait until marriage, because jesus would want it that way". Ya know, secret fag talk. It gets all technical and complicated...as do the justifications for refusing to have sex.

We're not talking about one aspect of the act cunnerlangus (so gross...I can't believe I'm arguing with a secret fag about heterosexual sex that makes me gag--ya know, like all of it... bastard), but all aspects of vajean, vajayjay and pussah-pussay. A self identified heterosexual who is disgusted by all aspects of pussy (the idea, and all and every one, and every aspect) is not a heterosexual man. Just like a gay guy that enjoys having sex with women ain't no queer. Could be asexual, actually.

But all this just confirms for me what I already know about you...that you're a SECRET FAG!
156
Um. There are medical conditions that create unpleasant vaginal odor/taste, and they're not always curable. Some foods create a really bad taste. There are lesbians who don't like cunnilingus, giving or receiving--I'm married to one (in Canada). There are straight men who don't like cunnilingus. There are straight women who don't like oral-to-ejaculation, and that's true for some gay men. If somebody just cannot do it, forcing the issue is only going to create resentment, and sooner or later that will hurt your sex life.

A partner who demands oral sex but won't give it is an inconsiderate jerk. BUT. If a partner just can't deal with oral sex but doesn't expect what s/he won't give and is bend-over-backwards considerate in bed in every other respect... consider the whole person and decide what you need most.

Who's the better partner--a considerate lover who just has a block against oral sex, or a pussy-eating jerk? I've lived with both, and somebody who's 97% perfect and 3% disappointing is better than 5% hot and 95% inconsiderate idiot.

If oral sex is a deal-breaker, break it and find someone whose needs match your own.

There's no one across-the-board answer, and no 100% perfect happy-ever-after mate. Long-term love is about compromise, but you've got to decide case-by-case what is important and what can be compromised.
157
Surprise: Anti-gay rights (married) republican senator arrested for DUI after leaving a gay bar with his boy toy:

http://cbs13.com/local/ashburn.arrest.du…
158
@155...fuckin love it!!!! Sorry offended guys! ;) Maybe it's time you look at WHY YOU'RE OFFENDED. You are callin it and I'm hearing you!! thank you for saying what we're all thinking!
159
@157 - so i heard... another one bites the dust... or the sausage... or takes it like a man... or... well, hell. you know what i mean... couldn't have happened to a nicer hyprocrite...
160
OK, in response to the latex glove/Prudie issue, neither the mother nor Prudie were saying the fetish was bad. (Mom: "...should I just chalk it up to a personality quirk and worry no longer?" doesn't sound like a mom who's too freaked out). They were both concerned that, at 13, the glove fetish was taking control. My concern would be that the kid has OCD or hoarding issues which should be addressed early on. "[The doctor] says patients are greatly relieved when they come to feel they control the fetish instead of having it control them—which may be what your son is experiencing now." 13-year-old kids have a lot of shit to handle already, without also having an overwhelming obsession to deal with.
161
@152,
Am I the only one here who realizes that you don't have to taste vaginal juices while you're giving oral to a woman? *confused*

Just tell the lady it's too sour or makes u gag or whatever, and flick your tongue over her clitoris, you don't have to either lick her vaginal opening or avoid cunnilingus altogether, just like women don't have to either swallow cum or avoid fellatio altogether! If scent is a problem do it after she's showered. If hairs annoy you, have her shave them or trim them, or do it yourself, it can be a fun and intimate experience. If you don't like the way it looks, close your fucking eyes or do it in the dark. You can work your way around these issues.

If you don't like the way it feels, well then you're just gay.
162
I loved the half of your column that wasn't a rant about a Canadian politician. I haven't a problem with what you said as I totally agree but when I read a sex advice column I expect ... well, sex advice. You personal rants would seem more appropriate elsewhere.
163
I dated a guy who only liked receiving oral, and complained about just not being into giving oral because of the taste/appearance. He wasn't gay, he was a selfish asshole who made excuses for everything.
164
NGA -- You should have divorced your husband so he could have had a chance to find someone who really loves him to be with him while he was dying. I don't get Dan's view that having an affair is a way of "saving" your marriage. There obviously wasn't enough there worth saving and it's cowardly to justify a secret affair by convincing oneself that it will help rather than hurt. I hope to hell my spouse will ask me for a divorce before having an affair in the deluded idea that somehow this is saving our marriage.

Dan I usually admire your advice but I think you're fooling yourself about this one.
165
re: enjoying oral love. . . Pleasuring someone orally, or with fingers or toys, is something you do if your partner gets excited about it. The pleasuring is done not because the person doing it gets off - the pleasure for the giver comes in hearing the moans, sighs, and other feedback from the recipient. Cunnilingus in particular is filled with unusual smells, tastes, and visuals, so it takes some getting used to. (yes, yes, from personal experience, ok?) I had a lover who wasn't into it when we were together, but wrote to me a year later to say that he *regretted* he was an early bloomer to it. I would try initiating it in the shower, where fresh water flowing will dilute the smell/taste factor. Right after a shower might work, too. And GIVE FEEDBACK, ladies! If you want less saliva dripping down your crack, SAY SO! "Love, a little less saliva, please." Talking about these issues while NOT in bed is very important. Sex is NOT a dirty word, or topic, and if you "can't" talk about it, you have no basis in reality to argue that you'd be able to handle the potential consequences.
166
NO WAY.
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
JONATHAN TOEWS IS A GREAT CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS FORWARD WHO WAS PROBABLY THE BEST PLAYER ON TEAM CANADA THROUGH THE OLYMPICS.
SOILING THE NAME OF A BIGOT POLITICIAN NO ONE WILL KNOW OF IN 3 YEARS WOULD MEAN SOILING THE NAME OF A HOT 22 YEARS OLD ATHLETE WITH HIS WHOLE CAREER AHEAD OF HIM.
167
"What's the big deal about oral sex anyway?" is comment 69?! Oh, sweet irony!
168
That Prudie letter really pissed me off. The mom is being a mom, and I guess I understand why she's freaking - her vanilla outlook doesn't see room for kink in her son's future relationships. But Prudie should have calmed mom the fuck down. For Christ's sake, the kid doesn't have a dengerous fetish like sex with animals or hurting people, he likes latex. Big. Fucking. Deal. And he's lucky to have learned his kink so young. Hopefully it'll save him years of dissatisfying sexual relationships.
169
So here's Dan again with the "anti pussy must be gay" bullsh!t again.

I've had enough pussy to know that there is a MASSIVE difference between rotten, hairy, make-you-wanna-puke pussy thats also UGLY, and at the other end of the scale delicate, well manicured, practically odorless beautiful loveclam that I would lick for hours.
So girls, if there are lots of guys repulsed by your parts, Im afraid its probably you. Gladly there are some things you can do to improve the experience... except the look of it to a certain extent.

DAN if you read this: Being a straight guy who is against eating pussy is very much the same as a gay guy who is against licking asshole. Doesnt mean the straight guy is gay or the gay guy is straight. I love your podcast and column but sometimes you are just way too biased by the gayness.

I wanna know one thing: I bet any money there are a reasonable number of lesbians who will back me up and say that there are some pussies they wouldnt wanna give oral. Am I right?
170
@ MavenX, Im sorry but you are not helping the sisterhood by your blind ranting about this topic. All you're doing is affirming the likelihood that you have an unpleasant minge. I hope you find/have a guy who's enthusiastic about whatever you're packing down there. Try a french dude, they eat frogs and snails and such right?
171
@170 As I've already specified...I'm "all set" in that dept, thank you! :) I'm quite a bit pickier about lovers these days. Rest assured that my lady parts are sparklin and perty, not resembling anything remotely close to a snail and a frog, thanks. I've noticed from your other post you're particularly defensive on this issue. You might want to refer to post # 137...take care sweetie.
172
"Being a straight guy who is against eating pussy is very much the same as a gay guy who is against licking asshole. Doesnt mean the straight guy is gay or the gay guy is straight"

No, actually it's nothing like that, you super secret GAY. YOu're a double agent, codename: queermo.

Um, naaaaa. Vaginas aren't like assholes. Yes, they're both holes, but a vagina is more accurately compared to a penis, or a reproductive sex organ.

And you super secret gays are missing the point entirely. THis isn't about rotten hygiene, or any kind of hygiene. THis about a dude who hates pussy, period. The mere thought of it makes him puke (me too! But unlike you closet cases, I'm not a gloryhole troll). That's called being gay in well informed circles.

Haven't any of you secret fags a shred of decency?
173
Tank, you're so good, I'm almost beginning to wonder if you ARE Dan Savage! Bravo, LMFAO!
174
Dan! I am sooo glad you said something about that Dear Prudence article!! I read Pruddy's answer & immediatly thought that had you answered it, that poor kid would have a MUCH happier future to look forward to, latex gloves and all! Too bad we can't tell that paranoid mother.
175
You are applying American values to Canadian politics and it doesn't work. Sexual hysteria is an American trait, not a Canadian one.
176
You're the jackboot KING, Dan!
Spot on as always!
177
Far be it from me to pass judgement on anyone and their sexual preferences, but as a guy I absolutely love to eat pussy. Assuming well cleaned and cared for genitals, I can't understand how the female bits can be a major turn-off for men. I also can't fathom how a woman could dislike her lover going down on her.

For my wife and me, it's all part of the wonderful foreplay experience. And it helps me achieve more pleasure (ie. gets me hornier) being able to pleasure my wife in that way.

To each his own, but I don't get it. Just glad my wife and I are compatible in this way.
178
@172 Im glad you and MavenX are hitting it off: One one hand we have a militaristic self envisaged superhero acting on behalf of all women wordwide, and then Tank The UltraGay, the worlds most unqualified source of information on female sex organs.

An unlikely pair, but what the hell.

Anyway, since you are too dimwitted to figure it out - I wasnt saying ass is exactly same as puss. I was saying that just like there is a spectrum of human responses and preferences to eating vag, there must surely be a range of inclinations among gays to licking ass. Just tryin to break it down for the ignorant gay contributors into a language they can ram in their ass, reverse digest and perhaps assimilate into their brains.

I find it amusing that now gays are mostly accepted in western society, it is the gays themselves who are heckling straights - and using gay labels as a derogatory slander! If only americans understood the concept of irony you would really have a good laugh about that. Really shows a level of self-hate and inferiority amongst some of you poor queers.
179
@ 177
"I also can't fathom how a woman could dislike her lover going down on her."

I think it's a combination of bad body image and never having experienced it with a guy who can do it right.
180
Apology accepted, dtek. Now, the next time your folks roll their eyes in frustration when you talk about how much "puss" you're getting, you'll know why: the only person you're fooling is yourself.
181
And no, gays aren't "mostly accepted in western society," it's just no longer legal for the stupid vulgar to murder them, i.e., it's better to be gay in the u.s. than iran. It's not great, though...because the stupid vulgar here are plentiful and still deny us our rights.
182
Dtek, glad we succeeded in irritating your pompous ass! I actually love the way you described me. I'm feeling rather important now that I've been regarded as a super-hero for half the world's population. It's reassuring your views are in the minority here. The only irony is that you don't seem to understand Tank isn't mocking his own sexuality but rather calling out the men who stay closeted for not only harming themselves, but the hapless females that get dragged along for the ride. These narcissists spew excuses for their sexual incapability and blame it on the female plumbing or hygiene. Do yourselves and the females in your life a courtesy and come out already.
183
God bless you people 'cauze really, you are VERY complicated!

It's not a badthing! You complex. May She bless You!

Simple i' goo'. Complex i' goo'.
184
"Now, the next time your folks roll their eyes in frustration when you talk about how much "puss" you're getting"

Umm I am now seeing clearly how maladjusted you really are. I deduce from your strange assumption that you must go bragging about how many salds you've tossed to your parents? They must be Proud with a capital P. Or is it that you're scared to tell em you're gay? Worried daddy might get "stupid and vulgar" on your ass? Who's hiding in closets now bigman?

Maven, I wrote a little reply but then realised you are just a troll. Both online, and I'd speculate probably troll-like in real life also. Have a nice life with your delusions and over-inflated expectations. You're beyond help.
185
"Don't Toews me, Bro!"
186
dtek..Oh ouch! I'm a troll now!?!?! I bet you were the kind of boy who would call a girl fat when she didn't respond to your awkward nuances. That's the best ya got? I wonder if even you have figured out what your "agenda" is in here...Because unless you are a bitter, secret fag that is disturbed by this whole exposition, I really can't imagine what you're going on about and getting your panties bunched up over...That's just it really. You don't see too many pussy hungry, hetero boys in here fighting Dan Savage's theory. I'm glad because it seems like Dan managed to reach the few out there that needed to hear this the most.
187
My boyfriend loves to give me oral. I get super fine orgasms from them. I guess I'm just lucky or he's has skills. We've been together for five years and he still begs to go down on me. Sometimes I have to refuse if I haven't showered yet, haha.

I'm always conscious of how mine looks or how it might smell. My bf says he loves it and it does not smell. I know a few guy friends who wont go down on girls because of how it tastes/smells. Some of my girl friends don't ever get to "come" or enjoy it. With that in mind, It seems rare to find a guy that actually does it right and enjoys it.
188
179, it is possible for a woman to be physically wired in such a way as to derive little or no pleasure from oral sex. By insisting that anyone who doesn't get off on it has just not met that mythical 'right guy', you're ignoring our testimony and making yourself appear tunnel-visioned on the issue. I am not going to put a number to my partners here, but rest assured I'm not a young girl with a couple of youthful fumblings under my belt.
My clitoris is positioned beneath my skin, and is so small as to be vestigal. Any orgasm I have is from stimulation of the G spot. There are women like me, as well as women who simply don't enjoy the sensation, and even women who lack an external clitoris entirely, due to botched surgery as infants. I'd accept your pity, but not your denial of our existence!
And I have my counterparts; men who are happy to look at pussy, finger pussy, fuck pussy, but are still often relieved not to have to lick it. And no, it's not an issue of hygiene or grooming - I have recieved compliments!
I know you're trying to stand up for every woman's right to expect oral from her partner, and I applaud that motivation. But you have to allow for exceptions. We'll take the men who complain about sore necks and tongues, and leave the happy lickers to you and your fortunate sisters, how about that?
189
I am sorry I sounded dismissive of women like you, 188! Of course whenever you make a generalization you have to allow for exceptions or you're narrow minded, and I am aware that there is no thing that is pleasurable to absolutely every person in the world. Rest assured I didn't think women unable to derive pleasure from external stimulation didn't exist, I just neglected to add the "there are exceptions to this generalization" disclaimer. For a long time women were expected to orgasm without external stimulation, although that was impossible for a majority of women, so a backlash against that harmful belief resulted in overlooking women for whom external stimulation does little or nothing.

But I can't resist adding, sore neck and tongue is a bad excuse for avoiding cunnilingus ;) The giver should assume a comfortable position (sitting on the floor?) and take breaks during which fingers/vibrators can be used.
190
@188 Those were all great points! I totally understand and agree with everything you said. Growing up between two boisterous bad-ass brothers has turned me into somewhat of a feminist zealot! :) I will say one of my major buttons is inequality, and renders me with tunnel vision on issues. No punn intended! lol! Thanks!

@189 Same thing, and yes AGREED sore neck and tongue are no excuse baby! Get into a different position and take some advil, let's get crackin! ;)
191
LOL'd on public transit...just broke up with 'fag' who wouldn't go down on me. That wasn't 'thee' reason but going on 3 mos and he never gave it a whirl? We'd had the safe sex talk, etc. When I asked him why his response was "didn't know it was 'on the menu'" - wtf is that?!
192
i have a theory about the phobic cons. I've studied them in their natural habitats. So to speak.
Take the given, ourselves. We have had to face our fears, our fears of coming out, out to families and friends, to ourselves. We've faced the fears of kink, or ab-normalcy. We've suffered, in many cases, humiliation because of who we are.
The conservatives, through no fault of their own, have not had these hurdles. They haven't had their own fears to deal with. And when we present them a reality that is different, strange, we frighten them in a way that they can't cope with. Raising hate mongering only leads to polarity.
Yeah, I know I'm being a bit naive.
193
#80 - yes, sorry, but you are. Luckily, there are plenty of others out there with your malfunction, so maybe you can meet someone who is equally grossed out by your body parts as you are by hers, and you can have a nice, sanitary, eyes -closed sex life together.
194
@191 You go girl!!! He sounds like he was a mutant ninj! What does he think he's ordering, 'a la carte?' You go get yourself the full meal deal baby!
195
BWAHAHAHAA! Oh Tank...I'm going to work the phrase "vajean, vajayjay and pussah-pussay" into my conversation this very day.

And to Secret Agent Queermo, his whole point was that if even spying a stray pussy out of the corner of his eye makes the guy run in fear, there's some shenanigans goin' on.
196
So wait, does this mean it's fair game to describe women who refuse to give blowjobs as man-hating, closeted lesbians? Because if you're OK with calling non-cunnilinguists "secret fags", you can't really object to that one -- at least not without being a complete and utter hypocrite.

Or, y'know, we could treat each other with respect and understanding, and stop beating our chests and flinging bullshit, stupid accusations at people we know nothing about. Just a crazy thought.
197
@164: Yup in an ideal world NGA should have divorced him and let him find someone new. What do you recommend now that he's dying, bedridden (probably) and completely dependent? Seems to me an affair to keep her sane is relatively minor if she's taking care of him and letting him have the dignity he needs.

BTW, I'm one of the women who has a little bit of a problem with oral. Not because I don't like it, but it's almost too intense as a normal thing. I can get so into it I pass out or get REALLY loud. Most guys get freaked by that. Ok as an occasional thing but not every time.

Having said that, any guy who won't go down isn't worth my time.

198
#196 YES. Well if I had a friend who didn't give blow-jobs because she thought the penis looked gross and hated to get that close to it, or touch it, I guess I would question her sexuality in the same way..and I have before. I have one friend who told me this and I asked if she thought she might be gay... I don't know, it makes sense both ways...BTW, a lot of women lie when they say they don't like to see men naked. I subscibed to playgirl in my 20's and all my friends couldn't believe it and thought it was soooo weird...UNTIL THEY CAME OVER and wanted to see the mags immediately every time.
199
I am so happy to see the confidential Prudie comment. As soon as I read that last week, I thought that woman should have written in to Savage Love instead and I vowed to never read Prudie again. This will be my only advice column from now on. Love the freaks and the kinks, and especially the common sense!
200
Thank you for noticing that Canada is under tyranny from a toxic recombination of extreme right-wing elements of the defunct Progressive Conservative Party combined together with ordinary members of the former Reform Party - an assemblage of the same sort of wank-heads to think that German National Socialism would solve all problems for Germany.

They assembled under the shadow of Dubya Bush, and are now keeping heads down in order to hope not being noticed while they desecrate Canada into the hands of evil global radical capitalists who've brainwashed their hickabilly constituents into thinking that it is the interests of the farmer and mom-and-pop small business owners who voted for them that those spawns of Lucifer are talking about when they say, "business will be good after we take over", without mentioning whose business they're talking about.

It's not yet clear if the Canadian Conservative party is evil or stupid... ever noticed how, in terms of results, it's very difficult to tell the difference between evil and stupid?

In any case... Toews is when you wake up horny in the morning, and do anal sex with your significant other, but their bowels are not evacuated, and further, it's not solidified.

You have sex, but the results are not a typical saffron-on-the-dick... it's little spits of black goo on your belly, and on the sheets, and on the inside of the cheeks of the ass of the other.

That anal liquid tar that you shower off, and which you change the sheets for, and which the other is embarrassed about, is called Toews.
201
@ 71, 117, 123, 190, 194, 198... Same person
I have contacted you through Alt , recognized the picture and the issues you brought up, and am still awaiting your reply. I go by two words combined as one, best described for short as LB.

As for pornography, ironically 80's pornography contained much more cunnilingus than it does today, even though supposedly we are now more enlightened and more sensitive to equality issues. And back then both man and women didn't have to adhere to the "hairless look" of today, meaning it could have come across as less "appealing" than today's featherless chicken look.

While I think that labeling men who wouldn't eat their women as "gay" can be a somewhat-superficial-definition, you came around and acknowledged that yourself later on.
Oh, and I think you're quite cool for having a Playgirl subscription earlier in your life, not to mention being open about it with your friends.

Would love to communicate with you even if it doesn't lead to peeling off some layers and exchanging body fluids.