Savage Love

HUMP! 2010

Comments

4
Is there a reason why a man who has been having anal sex with a woman wouldn't be quite as pleased with vaginal sex and would prefer to keep getting just anal? I thought (straight) men liked pussy? I am puzzled.
5
I don't think that a big messy public break up is warranted in any situation. Though i agree that a practiced, "WTF are you talking about" face can go along way toward covering your tracks.
Plus, there's no reason why you can't deny those sexual fantasies that you may have shared with her, no matter what they are. There is NOTHING to confirm that you ever said that, is there? Don't worry.
6
Wow, first? (That didn't get yanked off for comment violations, that is.) O.o Probably not, but I'll be amused if so.

I love the advice to FFOFF. If an someone is emotionally blackmailing you like that, you have every right to make them look just as terrible as they are, even if the end result isn't perfectly aligned with the truth. They declared war first.
7
@4 - the anus is a lot tighter than the vagina, so a guy who's only fucked an ass might not get as much/the same sensation from pussy
8
I'm distracted.

Still can't stop watching that "Waterloo" video posted on slog.

Damn you, Dan Savage!
9
Hey FFOFF! Howzabout telling your sister yourself?
It's ancient history! It was a fantasy!
And she's your twin!!

Heck! It's almost like you were fantasizing about YOURSELF!!
10
@7,
Is that a real possibility or just a theoretic one? This guy has been getting oral for months, which I have been said feels quite divine, and the tightness of the grip is adjustable. So if it's all about tightness, vaginal sex would feel like a letdown anyway, right?
11
Tiare, in my opinion at least, while head can be great, its a significantly different feeling from actual intercourse, vaginal or anal, where the pressure is more all over. Now as far as getting too accustomed to the tightness of anal sex I doubt it because after a bit the ass loosens up anyways. However, I wouldnt know because it doesnt necessarily take a lot of squeezing pressure for me at any rate.
12
Anal sex isn't really so different from vaginal, in terms of the way it feels to a man's cock. And it's not really tighter per se. The inner sphincter itself might be a little tighter at first, but it loosens up after a few minutes; the vagina offers more overall pressure and warmth, unless the woman's had a dozen kids. A woman with good vaginal muscle control can damn near snap your cock off - it's tough to get much tighter than that!

Anyway, there's no rule that says a het couple has to have vaginal sex before they can have anal. Same goes for a virgin (or "virgin"). I had a couple girlfriends where we only had anal and oral for quite a while; since they could get off anally, it was totally fine. (And by "fine" I mean "awesome.") When we were ready to have vaginal sex, that was great too. It didn't diminish the vaginal sex at all.

If you're worried that anal will feel less intimate, well, buttfucking need not be a grab-your-ankles proposition: just put a pillow under her hips and do it in missionary position. You can look into each other's eyes, make out, the whole nine yards. Most women I know who like anal have preferred to take it in missionary, not doggystyle, since it hits their G-spot better that way. YMMV.
13
That link at the top redirects to the HUMP 2009 page.
14
@4: I can think of a pile of reasons a man would prefer anal to vaginal, like: fear of pregnancy. Lack of vaginal tightness (or penile girth). Getting off on the idea of anal sex as "transgressive", or on dom/sub stuff. And of course, there's the favorite reason of anal sex opponents everywhere, i.e. latent homosexuality (though personally I think that's a bullshit argument).

But honestly, one of the best reasons is that if you've got a beautiful woman on her back, and your cock is in her ass and she's loving every minute of it...well, that's one of the hottest things I've ever seen. Plus in that position, her pussy is totally on display, and available for all kinds of finger and toy play.
15
@4: I can think of a pile of reasons a man would prefer anal to vaginal, like: fear of pregnancy. Lack of vaginal tightness (or penile girth). Getting off on the idea of anal sex as "transgressive". Being into dom/sub stuff, or assplay kinks like enemas. And of course, there's the favorite reason of anal sex opponents everywhere, i.e. latent homosexuality (though personally I think that's a bullshit homophobic argument).

But honestly, speaking for myself...if you've got a beautiful woman on her back, and your cock is in her ass and she's loving every minute of it, and out of her mind with pleasure...well, that's one of the hottest things I've ever seen. Plus in that position, her pussy is totally on display, and available for all kinds of finger and toy play. So it's kind of the best of both worlds, really.
16
Shit, sorry for the double post, I forgot to save changes on my comment. Mods, please delete #14.
17
Saddleback, baby!
18
Here's a suggestion for the 23 year old bi guy.

The problem might be: You're straight.

You get off on various forms of transgression and you fancy yourself open minded, hence the 'bi' label.

Problem is, an open mind isn't what makes and keeps your dick hard.

You got off the first time with the guy because it was transgressive. Now that you're dating him, it's not.

Of course, I couldn't know, based on the little information in your letter. I'm going purely on myself having being "a 23 year old 'bi' guy" once who, turns out, is a straight guy who likes sex that feels transgressive to me every once in a while.
19
@ 14,
I can see how that can be hot, but to wanna do just anal? That's a bit extreme imo, I doubt many men/women would want that. (Pregnancy paranoia aside, and unprotected anal sex is only 92% effective protection anyway.) I am far from not enjoying anal, but that's hardly all I want from sex, I can only assume most men would agree with that.
20
They are virgins if they have defined virginity that way. Most people wouldn't define virginity that way, but they are most certainly entitled to.
21
I'm definitely familiar with the paranoid-as-fuck-about-getting-pregnant feeling in a relationship. While we didn't just solely choose anal over vaginal sex, the former was definitely emphasized (and it was a hell of a lot easier to enjoy the sex without a lingering dread in the back of my mind).

The difference, though, is that my boyfriend was NOT an fucking virgin (shit, that's an oxymoron, ain't it), and was damn patient and slow about the anal. Let me emphasize this again (although Dan's done a damn good job ov it in the past): SSSSLLLLLOOOOOOWWW. Multiple times, with a finger or two, with lube, and even then there were a few false tries before I was completely comfortable with it. My current boyfriend was a virgin when I met him, and we've had anal but only after lots and lots of vaginal sex first.

There's damage that can be done if he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing, and it'll hurt a hell of a lot more if he's learning to fuck you in a (sometimes) really uncomfortable place (not the back of a Voltswagon).

Try vaginal first. If the paranoia is high, then use multiple birth control methods and make sure you research them well first. Birth control (taken on the hour every day - otherwise you lose a bit of effectiveness). Condom properly on. Spermicidal condom. Hell, he can pull out *with* the condom on for some extra piece of mind. And he can check it afterward to make sure the structural integrity's intact.

Whether he's only gonna want anal if you start with that is the least of concerns. There's some inherent danger in all sex (hey, anybody else read those scary as fuck "I Got Pregnant Without Having Sex" stories that showed up periodically in Your Young Adult Woman Magazine Of Choice" too?). You can make the danger of pregnancy damn near statistically insignificant if you do it carefully and intelligently, but no matter how much research he does beforehand the chance of you being in pain from a guy who doesn't know what the fuck he's doing seems far more likely.
22
I'm kind of hoping Dan changed a few key details in that twin story... otherwise a person could make a really easy logical jump and the writer would be hard-pressed to deny that he -didn't- put it in writing...

But stellar answer otherwise. I had an ex who didn't threaten me with revealing information, but who drunkenly told mutual friends certain kinky preferences of mine after the (surprisingly amicable) breakup. Rolling my eyes, saying something along the lines of a droll "of course he'd say something like that" then casually asking if anyone else needed a drink refill defused that pretty well.
23
@ #20:

OK, then I'm a vegetarian, since I define vegetarian for myself as someone who eats beef, pork, lamb, poultry, and seafood.
24
Not everybody love Humpfest or all of the promoting of it Dan does. It takes up valuable advice column space. Harrumph!
25
I'm a guy. I broke up with an old gf. She told friends of some of my kinky preferences. When it got back to me, I just kind of smiled. I ended up experiencing a few of those kinky things with her friends. YMMV.

And of course, that did not include any incest stuff. For stuff like that you just have to close your eyes and shake your head like you feel sorry for the poor girl. Then turn open your eyes and your hands up like "what are you going to do." Then never mention it again. Pretend you are taking the high road.

26
I have to say that the extreme fear of pregnancy is irrational. I'm a girl, and have as healthy a fear of unplanned pregnancy as the next girl, but you shouldn't let that stop you from having vaginal sex. If she's on birth control, which she uses properly, and they use condoms, again properly, EVERY TIME, the chances of an unplanned pregnancy are miniscule--far smaller than the 1% failure rate of the pill alone. They should both educate themselves a little further on birth control so that they can use it for its intended purpose.
27
Doot - it could easily be said that you're a bi guy that's mostly into women. Of course, if you decided on the bi label, you'd have to handle the associated issues (such as women not wanting to get involved), so it's far easier not to..

You can draw your own line about where being 'bi' starts - at attraction, sexual behaviour, or relationship.

TGOE didn't say whether he'd had sex with other men, or whether he'd experienced the same problem with women.
28
Go ahead and take it this off as soon as you read it: Fuck Off Bob. You're a douchebag, and I could care less anymore what you do, you bastard. Thanks for your so-called care.. You're a shithead. Happy Trails you fuck!~
29
@ 25: Sounds like that Bob character: "Then turn open your eyes and your hands up like "what are you going to do." Then never mention it again. Pretend you are taking the high road." CREATING the low roads for others while you, like a weasel Bob, take no accountability or courage for what you create, so f u. Goodbye, Jerk.
30
And 30 for you and your number of combo platters of pseudonyms and bullshit. Sorry to be off-topic, but you're a true, hopeless asshole Bob. Thanks for breaking my heart again, you loser.
31
Good advice about the dirty talk, Dan. It works better than lots of people think to deal with fetishes.

For example, my husband really likes to, say, fuck centaur women.* But I can only change into a centaur, like, a couple of times a year--the rest of the time, we don't really want to get the sheets all horsey. But he's fine with that arrangement because I'm fine with neighing and talking about centaurs while we have 'regular' sex.

*fetish changed to protect the guilty
32
@28-30.... who the fuck is Bob?
33
What I don't get about TGOE is ... why can't he have the same wrong, dangerous, dirty fantasies in his head while he's fucking his boyfriend? Sometimes the physical and mental stimulations just don't line up, and you have to compensate.

I mean, guess what? Oral (or a vibrator) is the only thing that gets me off physically (for now, I hope), AND I'm really not turned on by a guy going at my junk. If I never fantasized about other things, I'd never get off.
34
leave Bob alone.

Dan's response to FFOFF is why I keep coming back to this column. Burn the bridge utterly and publicly so anything the bitch says after the fact is suspect. Dan you magnificent bastard!
35
If you have to get something off your chest that's directed at one person, find a different venue for doing so than the comment section of Savage Love. Don't waste everyone's time!
36
As a gay man, I continue to find it fascinating how many straight people only define sex as dick-in-pussy.

I hear repeatedly about how "We haven't had sex yet" or "We're holding off on sex" while they're sucking and licking and butt-fucking and handjobbing and fingering like crazy.

It seems very 1950's to consider the only "real sex" to be so very, very limited.
37
Oh, Christ, Dan, let them define virginity how they want. Dictionary.com defines it as "a person who has never had sexual intercourse" and sexual intercourse as "genital contact, esp. the insertion of the penis into the vagina followed by orgasm." So it's a perfectly valid definition. Let it go, man. Let it go.
38
WTF is up with #29? Having family issues?
39
@ Tiare re: "I thought (straight) men liked pussy? I am puzzled"

Have you been hiding under a denial rock since the 1300's? Honey-a hole is a hole. And all boys love holes.

40
Delete 28 - 30.
41
Boy, I often think that the extreme buttfuck haters must think gay sex and hetero anal are The Best Sex Ever! Why are people convinced that once you try butt you'll have like hoohah ever again? I mean, I've tried both, and I like the throat best! The other other...
42
I dated one of those "anything but" girls in college, and we had anal sex for about three years before we had vaginal sex. I ended up marrying her - and we do still have anal sex much more often than vaginal sex, and vaginal sex has taken the role of the "kinky" transgression in our sex life. So it is something that can become a norm if that's where you go first. That said, our sex life is very positive and experimental. I actually think that is in large part because she was an "anything but" girl, so we had to be creative about the way we expressed our sexual relationship for the first several years we were together. The result is that vaginal sex is not the be-all, end-all of our sex life - but is one of many tricks in our bag...
43
I think we're afraid guys will like it better because we hate it so much. Maybe "hate" is a strong word, but it is definitely painful which vaginal intercourse isn't. It also feels like taking a dump, and then pushing it back in. Novel, but not particularly sexy. To me.
44
@43, some men like it, some are willing to try because they are GGG. It isn't my favorite thing by any stretch, but I am GGG for women who want to, because I like how they are turned on and the pleasure it gives them.
45
i'm glad the two fags aren't having anal sex anymore. gays are sick and wrong, god will burn them in hell filthy anal spreaders of aids. die homo scum so you can be judged by the lord! amen!
46
@45 Jesus just said that you were an asshole. Bend over and enjoy yourself, you closet fruit.
47
@ 45 Being judged by an imaginary concept: nice! Bend over and take a dick in your ass gilletteBEARDEDbret. The squeaky wheel always needs the grease the most, as they say..
48
Dear SIIMA:

Once upon a time (okay last year) I had a boyfriend who was a virgin (okay my current boyfriend). He was much like your boyfriend with the pregnancy paranoia except when he got to the point where he wanted it in my butt, there was no long discussion--we were fooling around, he suddenly whispered to put it in, and YAY WE HAD ANAL SEX! Thus began a strange new territory for us and we had fun for about 4 months and then we had vaginal sex. And while he was overly dramatic about it (and swears I'm the girl he has to marry now...but that's our issue not yours) but he DID enjoy it a ton. And now over a year and a half into our relationship, he prefers vaginal to anal.
And also, now that I think about it we don't have sex very often due to the whole we're 20 and don't have our own places thing, but its not an issue because we've learned to be sneaky.

So don't worry about it. Enjoying your partner is the important thing.
49
FFOFF...Fantasizing is about the taboo... and what's more taboo than family? My bro was in a drug rehab thing as a teenager. Those bastards made him tell the whole truth...told him he couldn't be real with his addiction if he didn't tell every "wrong" he ever committed... they made him confess that he'd fantasized about his sister (me). To me. In front of a room full of people. He was sick about it, but he confessed. I said, "So?" Doesn't every horndog teenager think about the sickest things they possibly can? I mean, honestly, I wished he hadn't told me, because he was so mortified. I just think it's nobody's bidness. I understand your fears, but the revelation ain't gonna be as bad as you think. I really like Dan's plan. But if too many details were revealed to your whore of a girlfriend, just talk to your sis, say the fantasy only occurred during the height of pubescent hormone overload, and she'll be fine. Take it from a sis who's been through it.

Your girlfriend is a manipulative twat who deserves to be dumped HARD. Tell her she's a devious cunt, put a boot in her ass and don't look back. And if you see her with a new guy, give him a heads up to keep his darkest secrets to himself.
50
@45... Troll.
51
SIIMA, you and your boy need to just stop being idiots. The likelihood of you getting pregnant while using a condom and hormonal birth control is so low it's not worth mentioning. Seriously, it's "struck by meteorite" low, and you don't refuse to go outside because you might get hit by a space rock, do you? And if you can't deal with that miniscule level of risk, you shouldn't be having sex at all.

If you want to have anal sex for its own sake, have anal sex. Don't do it as a substitute for vaginal sex, because it's not. Anal sex can feel awesome, but it doesn't feel anything like PIV for the V-owner.
52
Vag sex is considered "sex" and the end of virginity because of the risk of pregnancy and the breakage of the hymen. You know, hymens -- such a big deal and all. These days, what girl/woman even has a hymen by the time she has sex? We're doing all kinds of crazy shit.

But yes, pregnancy risk is pretty scary. But dat's why we have birth control! woooooo

Also, I'd like to know why some guys on here think that ass is tighter than pussy. Yeah, maybe if you just shove it in without any sort of lube or concern of pain :)
53
Not having vaginal sex because they're "paranoid pregnancy," even though she's on the pill and they would use a condom, is RIDICULOUS. What are they going to do, not ever have vaginal sex until they're ready to have a baby? Who does that?

The letter writer says his reasons for refusing PIV sex are "at least somewhat logical," which suggests she's aware that they're also somewhat illogical. If he's really that terrified of pregnancy, she needs to tell him to get the fuck over it. & if there's some other reason why he's all freaked out about vaginal intercourse, she needs to find out what that is.
54
Why does a 23 year old want to stay a "virgin" is what I want to know. I was massively annoyed with it when I was that age.
55
@ 23, that's a good point. Like vegetarians have different labels to specify what they eat (lacto, ovo, lacto-ovo, vegan, pescetarian, is there a word for those who eat everything but red meat?) maybe we need more labels for virgins. Or else we will have girls who masturbated using a dildo and are convinced they lost their virginity (sexually experienced girls in their not so early twenties convinced me that I was no longer a virgin when I said I did that as a teen - I didn't exactly buy it, but it was weird nonetheless), and people of both genders who do pretty much everything but penile-vaginal intercourse and consider themselves virgins. Actually the problem is not what they believe they are, the problem is when they say they're virgins people most likely won't have any idea what sexual acts they participated in (which, incidentally, should be the function of the word "virgin"!)
56
So, the witch is going to spill the secret about FFOFF's fantasy of having sex with his sister. Most people who hear it are going to think 1)the ex-girlfriend is pretty dicky for revealing what is pillow talk in any relationship, and 2) this is a pretty normal fantasy which any twin would have during adolescence. That you never acted on the fantasy is the most important point. We all have fantasies, and some of them are bound to be a little bizarre. FFOFF's denial of the fantasy is fine, but most people aren't going to think much of it, in any case, I think.
57
Simple. If the sister says anything, then reply: "First off, I'm sorry you had to hear that crap. It isn't fair to you. I apologize for my personal life intruding into yours. Second off, please be assured that none of that garbage is the truth. Tell me right away if she contacts you again and I will put a stop to it."
58
TGOE - If dangerous turns you on, do dangerous. Gee is it that hard of a question?

FFOFF - Most people wouldn't believe you would wank off to your sister. Just tell people she's pissed and making it up. I'd believe you. Because it is kinda screwed up... And you never know, she probably won't tell. Because she told you her most outrageous fantasies, so threaten that.

SIIMA - Tell him to have a cup of concrete and just stick it in you! It's worrying he's trying to avoid the duff as much as possible, he's 23 so being a virgin is starting to become a negative and you're offering it with double protection. Maybe there's an alterior reason? I had an ex that didn't want sex. He came up with elaborate excuses. He's now gay.

59
FFOFF--The hopefully soon-to-be-ex is obviously blindingly jealous of your sister (even if she's not) and has said all kinds of heinous shit about her in the past behind her back. Dovetails nicely into your defense.
60
Even if she does tell people, and they know it's probably true, who hasn't had one of those situations where "we got all fucked up and told each other our deepest and darkest secrets" only to regret it for months, if not years. 9 times out of 10, telling all the little secrets early on is a bad BAD idea, better to slowly evaluate the situation (and the other persons mental stability) before revealing any major life changing secrets.
61
Hey, what does GGG actually stand for in this context? I've never seen it written out.
62
SIIMA worries far too much. She and her boyfriend should use condoms every time they have sex, regardless of the type of sex they have, and she should use an additional form of birth control, like the pill. Properly used condoms and the pill would make the risk of getting pregnant almost zero. As for her concerns about his permanently preferring anal over vaginal, I think her worries are not founded. While there are certainly exceptions, straight men generally prefer to have vaginal sex when they have intercourse. The vagina is designed for intercourse, and it makes a great match for the penis. I am a gay man, but I did have vaginal sex with a couple of women when I was younger and I found that vaginal sex is preferable to anal sex (although, I do enjoy anal sex). However, I am just not particularly sexually attracted to woman; otherwise, I would have continued to engage in having vaginal sex.
63
@27. Not really.

Now that I'm in my late 30s and I'm around gay folk all the time and 'gay' isn't something naughty and strange, I have zero interest in guys.

This isn't about not wanting to tell people something about myself, it's simply a statement of fact. I'm well aware that, in some people's eyes, I'll be bi or even a fag for life for having sucked a few dicks, and I really couldn't care less what others call me.

I feel like broadcasting the 'straight' label (or heteroflexible in swinging situations) is the most honest description of who I am and what kind of attention of open to. It's not a matter of being in some kind of closet. I'm a very open person and generally let my freak flag fly.

At any rate... I reaaaaaaly wanted to be bi. I'm not.

Maybe that's this guy's problem too, if he can't get it up with guys after the first time.

maybe it's not, but throwing that out there :)
64
There's a flaw in Dan's plan for FFOFF, which is that Awful Bitch Girlfriend might tell people, and it might not get back to FFOFF. So he's left wondering, did she or didn't she? Or worse, he may deduce from circumstantial evidence that she did tell people, but he has no way to defend himself.

I would do a little advanced prep. Go to the twin and one or two other key people, and tell them that ABG is making veiled threats that she'll tell horrible lies if you break up. THEN dump her.
65
@ #7 ...i agree that a technical virgin who fucks only ass is in for a surprise once he switches over, and is, in effect, setting himself up for disappointment by starting with and/or maintaining an ass only sexual relationship. The LW has every reason to be concerned. I also agree with you, Dan, that they are not virgins. If the b/f is abstaining from vaginal sex for religious reasons, the Roman Catholic church is probably to blame, as they advocate abstention (from vaginal sex) until marriage. In the olden golden days, many catholics used anal sex for birth control reasons.

My hunch is that this guy probably has many sexual fantasies over anal sex and wants the LW to think that he is abstaining from vag sex for other reasons, reasons he has not voiced.

The RC church should be ashamed of itself for its stance on birth control, however, the b/f should be ashamed of himself for pushing his views while steadfastedly ignoring the LW's wish to have vag sex. This sounds like a mismatch to me. The LW should move on.

@ 45 ...well, what a load of crap that is. And nice christian picture to go along with your ugly spew.
66
@ FFOFF... most people, aware of your recent breakup, will also be aware if the ex is spewing crap and ugliness about you. The clue here is that ex's spew that kinda crap AFTER the breakup, and people know they are bitter. Some have said that you won't know if she is/isn't spewing, therefore it can be ultra stressful for you and you won't be able to defend yourself. Huh. You have no control over what any ex says about you, so let it go. Not something you should worry about for one minute.

If someone does happen to mention that your ex is maligning you, that's when the "OMG face" should be brought out and used. Don't make a huge deal over it, just say calmly and quietly that she's obviously bitter about the breakup and perhaps is having a difficult time moving on. If there are several instances of people coming to you with her stories, just repeat the mantra, keep calm, use the OMG face. You won't be the first ex to fall under that bus, and you won't be the last. Maintaining your cool is tantamount.

If you do come face-to-face with the spewing ex, don't allow her to goad you into any kind of "he said / she said" conversation. Take the high road. Use the OMG face, tell her she's delusional, and walk away. She's a manipulative bitch, looking for revenge. Aren't you glad she's out of your life?
67
@ 65
Well having read all comments, I am inclined to believe you never know, some men will prefer anal and some will prefer vaginal, and happy majority (?) will like 'em both just the same.
68
@ #57 ...sorry Rob W, but saying all that to anyone will most certainly get their antennae up. The LW doesn't have to say one damned thing in his own defense, nor should he promise to "make the ex stop". Making excuses only causes people to ponder if you really DID do and/or say those things.

The truth is, some manipulating, cruel, nasty ex's do this kind of shit, and you have absolutely no control over it. Accept the things you cannot change, or have no control over, and move on.
69
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We call them romances, even if our hymens continually grow back like magic...

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70
@Tiare: Hmmm...so, on the anal vs. vag. vs. oral question...I'm a mildly kinky guy, and I love love love anal...except when she's just being GGG and not really getting off on it. Because I don't feel like I'm free to let loose and just pound away. Oral, on the other hand, does not generally offer enough stimulation. I suppose I could avoid beating off for like...a year, and maybe recover enough sensitivity...but. Otherwise, I'm very down with giving, receiving, toys, etc., which brings me to...

@TGOE: this particular pleasure has led me to hooking up with a gay male FWB. Only, I kind of wilt except when getting it...I just have no interest in sticking it in him, and not too much arousal just looking at him either. I wrestled, for a long time with the label bit, and I've decided that's just...not worth trying to wrestle with. I liked my ex strapping it on more than I liked getting it from a guy. I had a hard time calling myself "straight" when I was getting screwed by a guy, so I just gave up on the label thing. Listen to your pecker...it is telling you what your sexual preferences are.
71
@ 70 That happens a lot; guys who just want the anal, but nothing else about the guy as far as the rest of it. Quite a phenomena I still am amused by for some reason :) . I'm surprised you haven't yet found another GF willing to use a strap-on on you. I hear you. Have a good one.
72
@ 69: That's true. It's that whole phase of growing up as you grapple with your sexuality. Thoughts and fantasies are of course one thing, as long as they remain that in such a scenario. It's the actual carrying out of the incest that gives me the heebies!
73
#4: According to an article in Cosmo (that was mentioned in Scarleteen), the reccesion has left many men out of work and idle, and these men are turning to masturbation to pass the time while their wives are at work. According to the qua... that is to say, the doctor who wrote that article, male hands provide more friction, and thus better stimulation, to the penis than vaginas do, so this new epidemic of masturbation may cause men to loose interest in their wives en-masse.

Yes, that's right: hands make better pussies than pussies, and it's only during this reccesion that we men are finding this out! Somehow, masturbating on a regular basis ever since we were 13 (or less!) was not enough for us to figure out this surprising nad revolutionary fact!

The point of this convoluted story is that there is no limit to the idiocy people will believe about sex. Perhaps abstinence-only sex ed is to blame, perhaps not, but there it is.
74
re: FFOFF
it may also stand to reason that, as a twin, when you were hitting puberty and discovering your sexuality that part of you merely considers your sister as an extension of yourself
so not that you're exactly fantasizing ABOUT her, but that you just consider yourself conjoined in a way
I guess that could be a good example: conjoined twins of opposite sex (ok I'm not sure that can actually, technically happen, because they originate from the same cell ...but for the sake of making a point) ..hit puberty and start masturbating- because the other twin is "on their mind" (maybe literally) doesn't necessarily mean they are fantasizing about them

those famous Chineseconjoined twin now deceased men, both of whom married and had children- never had I considered that what they would have experienced during copulation a "threesome"

if there were a case of conjoined twins where one's gaze was fixed onto the other's genitals, I would not at all consider them an incestuous homosexual

as being "un-conjoined" I would find it reasonable to still think of ones self as being one-half of an entity, while still being whole as ones self - and as such perhaps consider the other's sexualty as one's own begins to flourish

ive heard of phantom pains... phantom orgasms?? why not? lol
75
re: Stick It In...

it was my consideration that because by being a virgin the guy was going to give his girlfriend his 'uncharted territory', he in turn wanted her 'uncharted territory' by assfucking her - quid pro quo!

I hope my previous post about the twins makes sense... it sure does to me, but I'm not good at communicating at times
76
@ 73 That's good stuff. And very true lol. What beats a horrible day or a lull in the action than, eh, beating one's meat lol. Stress relief, sanity-inducing act of self-kindness. The only thing that's a drag about masturbating is of course the multi-tasking involved lol.

@ 74 & 75: You communicated that well, and I gather what you mean. Sometimes, even the presence of any other human being (depending on your preference, and then, sometimes regardless of that) can be arousing. This is what I was on about a few entries ago about the incest fantasies being just that. Sometimes, it's feeling the company of others that does that.. Strictly a human condition as far as I know! lol Even so, you drew a really cool parallel with your bit about the twins.. Thanks for writing that. Cheers.
77
@ #73 ...better watch out, cuz there's them out there who think plastic dildos make better cocks than what a real live man can offer. LMAO.

Your analogy about hard times makes so little sense. Men have always had their own hands as playmates, why would a recession make any fucking difference? Excuse all the puns; i couldn't help myself.
78
@ #73 ...better watch out, cuz there's them out there who think plastic dildos make better cocks than what a real live man can offer. LMAO.

Your analogy about hard times makes so little sense. Men have always had their own hands as playmates, why would a recession make any fucking difference? Excuse all the puns; i couldn't help myself.
79
@ myself... oops, my apologies for the duplication.
80
FFOFF - get over the idea that "THAT CANNOT HAPPEN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!!!"

You don't have any real control over whether it happens or not. You're trying to control it by caving in to her implied demand that you remain together, even against your will. You are the one blackmailing yourself with your own thinking about what can or can't happen. Your mind is filling in all sorts of what-ifs that might not even happen! You are too afraid of feeling shame, but in this case feeling a little humiliation won't do you nearly as much damage as your own imagination suggests.

And if you have a few moments of acute eye-watering embarrassment - well I remember one time I stuck my foot so far in my mouth that if I'd had a razor I would have slit my wrists right then and there. But no matter how much you want to sink through the floor, you never actually do… and the next day everything was fine. I still hang out with all those same people and the incident is long forgotten.

DON'T let your soon-to-be-ex hold this over you. First of all, embarrassing things may come out at any point in your life and all you can do is hold your head up and walk through it. I was almost raped at age 13 and it got all over my junior high, and you know how nasty girl-gossip can be at that age. Everyone said behind my back that I deserved it - it was just trash talk of course, and there wasn't anything I could do except put one foot in front of the other and keep plodding along.

I'd be tempted to blackmail your soon-to-be-ex in return, and "remind" her of all HER sick fantasies that she's "told" you. However, I wouldn't do it. The reason is, especially with dirty dealings like what she's hinting at doing to you, what goes around really does come around. It takes awhile, sometimes several years, but your own reputation will eventually be based on people's cumulative memories of you and your conduct, not on one single incident or one person's hearsay.
81
@43 - Well you may not like it, but some of us think it's better than all the rest!
82
@ 80 Great stuff. Thanks for that. You make a lot of really good sense.
83
@71 I am looking for a gal who is compatible in oh-so-many other ways too; that is just one (albeit important) thing. I am still a little embarrassed to bring it up.

I do really enjoy spending non-sexual time with my FWB - he and I get along well as friends. Still, I've never had a twinge of a crush and sometimes I even get the straight-has-a-gay-sex-hangover thing. I feel a little schizo but you know, the sign of a flexible brain is the ability to cope with a little ambiguity in life, so I really mean it for TGOE: he should not sweat it.
84
I totally agree with 43 and I'm surprised so many women are into it (or pretend to be). It really feels to me exactly as 43 described. It's not horrible or anything--it's just not sexy. Also, let's be honest: it is reasonable to have an aversion to poop. Apparently the rest of you have found an alternate way to poop, or at least you like to pretend you have.

I'm pretty sure getting it as a man is better (prostate stimulation) but as a woman I would rate it number three in the number two business.

And what's up with a "straight" guy being too "worried" to have vaginal intercourse? He doesn't sound like he's worth the trouble.
85
Shit. Doesn't anyone here READ?

SIIMA says in her letter that she is NOT a virgin.
86
Dan, thank you for being so courageous, oracular, humane and hilarious week after week, year after year. I hope everyone finds you who needs you, and that you find a good measure of what you need too.
87
Man, SIIMA isn't kidding when she says they're paranoid. Refusing to have PIV intercourse out of fear of pregnancy when two effective forms of birth control are being employed is pretty damned ridiculous.

@85

Yeah, what I took away was that she was saying that, prior to their relationship, she had had prior sexual experience and he hadn't. Dan's just being pedantic. He does that sometimes.
88
Hey SIIMA

Re Pregnancy Paranoia. There is a tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny risk of pregnancy using condoms and the pill but to reduce the risk even further he could withdraw his latex clad penis before coming inside you. A chum calls it triple bagging. Once you do this then you may both become more relaxed about vaginal sex.

Bish
89
@4 There are LOTS of straight men that prefer girl ass to girl pussy. Apparently ass is better because, as MADtv put it, it's warmer, it's tighter, and it's more degrading to women. One ex I had would just "settle" for vaginal if he couldn't have what he really wanted. Another ex I had saw vaginal as foreplay to anal.
90
@ 89
That sounds like rationalizations. If you like ass then you like it because it's ass, but you don't like it because it's warmer (it's not, unless you have been drinking iced drinks http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/72027…) or because it's tighter (you can only have anal sex after anal sphincter loosens up, unless the receiver really likes pain).
91
@20,

I'm married and have two kids, but I'm still a virgin because I choose to define virginity as, "not having done it in outer space yet."
92
What's a virgin?
Other than a record store?
93
Not interested in vag.
Wants to butt fuck.

He's gay.
95
@61

From Dan's "Wiggle Room" column from Feb. 25:

"good (in bed), giving (of pleasure, of indulgences), and game (for very nearly anything), aka GGG."

You're welcome!
96
People get hit by meteorites all of the time.
97
For FFOFF:
Let me get this straight? The gf is trying to blackmail him into staying with her by threatening to reveal a taboo fantasy?

Does she think his fear of someone knowing that as a teen he fantasized about thoughts of his sister will keep him with her FOREVER? Does he have to marry her to keep her from spilling?

What kind of screwed-up thinking is that?

Dump her. Laugh it off.
98
I'd reconsider your advice to "Fuck him in public, fuck him where you might be discovered."

Public indecency is potentially a felony, and a sex offense requiring registration. Any exhibitionist tendencies should be exercised in a club or "private" atmosphere.
99
@ #98... ok, just TELL him you're going to fuck him in public, or where you might be discovered.

Tease and tantalize him to the point where he wants to jack off or lose control, then take him to a private place and fuck his brains out.

That'll work.
100
know this is off for most of you, but howsabout having twin sis, dolled up, pop by just before soon to be ex is to arrive home and you&sis behave as if you've been caught en flagrente...then dumping ex on the spot and walking out arm in arm. Mission accomplished with Lulzy benefit in record time and great story bro-ness to boot.
thank you ladies and gentlemen, lenny bruce.
101
Please, everybody, whatever it is you're into, whatever you like to do, remember this one thing. Don't, I repeat, DON'T read Cosmo magazine! It causes brain damage AND sexual dysfunction. You have been warned.
102
@100 That's hot!!! (Lenny Bruce, a hero)
I think that hearty laughter and a "So what?" would probably suffice. I mean, audiences all over this great country laugh every time the young man in American Pie boffs said pie, so at least you had an animate object of interest. Spend very little time or effort "defending" yourself or your teen fantasies - that's the amount of time it deserves. I don't think that fantasies are necessarily fucked up unless it's a precursor to fucked up actions.
103
Many women probably won't get involved with practicing bi guys. It's mostly from fear of STIs. Plus, having to deal with fears of cheating with either men, women or both.

Can't understand guys grappling with sexuality labels. Maybe girlfriends broke up with these guys because these seemingly bi guys don't want to lose their male lovers. Will they truly be happy being pegged by a woman? Probably not. If these guys just want as a woman as a 'facade' then they just stay with their male lovers. Why risk hurting a woman that way? Guys will lie to her saying that they're 'straight' but they like having things shoved up their ass by women with a plastic 'appendage' or a guys' penis. But from what I understand from reading many posts that it's not the same thing.

Come to terms with your sexuality and most importantly, be honest. Most will appreciate your honesty even though many won't like what you're saying. And there are some women out there that are kinky and willing to please you. They may even like 3somes (2 guys, 1 girl). I'm guessing that's not the majority.

I'm sure if you be honest and do some searching, you'll find what you're looking for.
104
having waded my way (enjoyably) through the whole podcast history, it is an endless topic, the people who are sharing oral and doing in the the ass and peeing on each other and masturbating together yet for some reason (usually religious) cling to the idea that they are somehow virgins because nothing entered a vagina.