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800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
Young is on an ego trip to even write a note like this...waaah.,..go get a real problem. How about this: date women somewhat closer to your own age!
Fascinating stuff on the hormones!
I didn't know my hormone levels could still be affected by this, which I think they might be since my drive is very similar to this woman's. Thanks for the column, as usual!
I know this isn't every guy's preference, but what about a beard? Maintained stubble? Make sure your haircut is fairly appropriate too; if you want to look older (but not "old"), staying away from too much product helps.
Do what I do, when young girls ask my my age I reply:"Old enough to know better, but happily I dont" Gets them laughing. Second here's a idea STFU about your age. Its none of their business, keep it to yourself until they get to know you better.
What do you mean "take measures to try to look my age?" Because not dressing like a frat boy might be a good start to not looking like one.
If YOUNG is in fact looking for a woman his own age, there are things you can do with your appearance to "look your age" without doing much - popping your collar at 38 is just wrong, for example.
Also, Dan forgot one for PBJ - suck it up. Doesn't work much, but it seems to be what he is doing....
It is what it is and I can tell you he certainly never let it affect his dating life. I liked my men older and he he liked his women older. So even with our 10yr age difference we still clicked.
Stop focusing on your age so much. Focus on what you want in a partner. Once you have that figured out it won't matter if they are 20 or 30 something. Good luck.
It sucks, but my boyfriend still loves me.
Acupuncture and herbs can both have positive affects on hormones and libido. Raising a woman's sexual energy should be like raising the level of water in a pool – not like the cannon-ball splash of Viagra. Good treatment will make her feel more vital all the time, not just make her clit tingle now and then.
In our 20s is when the excesses of youth can finally catch up with us and affect our energy levels. Over-indulging in alcohol and grass can dull libido. It's important to have a good diet. Exercise helps. A good diet helps. Lighting up your sexual brain by reading erotica and masturbating helps. It's also incredibly important to make sure you're getting plenty of sleep. I have a pretty darn healthy libido, but it switches right off if I'm over-tired...
As for YOUNG, I find it hard to believe that the immaturity is only in his looks. Is it possible that you dress like a college kid? I'm 32. When I'm lounging in shorts and a ponytail, I've been mistaken me for a teenager. Nobody makes that mistake when I'm in business clothes. This is not to mention that what you talk about and how you act goes a long way to indicate age. I have a feeling that YOUNG seems young in more ways that one.
If I were the deceived party, I don't think I could ever really overcome the trust issue from a relationship partner that lied from the very beginning.
Sorry Dan. Not good advice on that one, in my opinion.
If she has her hormones checked and high SHBG is the problem, she can try taking the RDA of calcium/magnesium/zinc. Zinc helps lower SHBG, she may want to consider taking double the RDA of zinc (check with your doctor). Also changing one's diet to avoid sugary and starchy foods will help lower SHBG over the long term.
And re: herbs, how could herbs be a useless placebo? Ever smoked marijuana? Just because something is a plant doesn't mean it doesn't do anything to your body.
There are some great doctors out there that can help you monitor your hormone levels and find something that works for you. It sounds like you're having trouble with that though, so have no shame about finding a naturopath or even trying to wade through the nonsense on the interent. Good luck!
NHNH should give it a few more months and try using different lubes, arousal creams, or a sex-toy like Luna Beads to help get/stay in the mood for sex. She might also experiment with non-hormonal BC like the sponge, Femcap, or fertility awareness, to see if no-condom helps.
Plenty of women in their 30s would love to have serious relationships with hot, young looking guys. I'm 32, my fiance looks 10 years younger than his age, is out of my league, and I love it.
As for the person who thinks acupuncture is a placebo ... pop another prescription, have a beer, and spend some more time wondering how generations of people can be so much dumber than you are.
The problem with herbal remedies is that their effects are poorly documented and there haven't been any clinical trials, so you don't know WHAT you're getting. "Natural herbal formulas designed to flush excess hormones from your system, allowing you to basically let your body start over and find its normal balance." This sounds like a good idea??? Go to a good endocrinologist and get advice, not a naturopath. Sorry, when it comes to your hormones being flushed out, you want a real doctor! The herbs might not help, and they might do harm.
I'm now engaged to a woman five years younger than I am who gets similar comments now and then. Fortunately she has a good sense of humor about it.
Pulling a Dorian Gray can really be a pain in the ass.
"Really officer, he's 29! Get your driver's license!"
It's not as bad as looking older than your age in our youth obsessed culture, but it has an effect on his life. People are always talking down to him at work, and people tend to discount his opinions when they don't know him.
He's taken to (at work at least) dressing like he's forty, and that helps. He's learned all sorts of tricks for getting people to take him seriously. Posture, voice, word-choice. All of it matters.
My husband is actually grateful that he's beginning to go bald.
And as I recently told one friend who lied about her age to be a little younger to be more appealing to the younger men she was interested in: You are not lying about your age, you are reaching your target market.
That being said, I don't think lying about his age one way or another is going to help YOUNG, bc it sounds like he has quite the learning curve to overcome when talking to females or writing to sex columnists.
@ Geek Porn Girl Could I webcrush on you anymore? You are too cool. :)
Here's what I think is happening with YOUNG. He hits on some 20-year-old girl in a bar. She notices he's older and asks his age, as a brush off. He considers this foreplay and asks her to guess. She guesses an age that she considers 'old' - like 27. He tells her he's actually 37, and she reaches for her mace.
Women closer to his own age are put off by his style of dress that screams 'older guy looking for a much younger girl'. They figure he's immature and probably underemployed, and probably rightly so.
Topical arousal creams and lubes, etc. are also a good suggestion. Watch out for the ones that are irritants that might cause itching and burning. I like the KY warming lubes. I know they're not an exotic sex-shop brand, but they're reliable, at the corner drug store, and do the trick with a little extra on the side (the warming part).
Finally, if she sticks with condoms as birth control, she should be taking multi-vitamins that cover all of her pre-natal needs. This is true of any sexually active young woman if there's any chance she could become pregnant and follow through with the pregnancy. To reduce the possibility of some birth defects, there are some nutrients you need to have in place even before you know you're pregnant.
(Confidential to @39 – Awww.)
Perhaps the reason women of all ages aren't into YOUNG has nothing to do with his appearance and everything to do with his personality?
There are ways around the problem of looking too young. Cut your hair short, wear more conservative clothes, grow a mustache or a beard, look clean and neat. Speak in more formal English without slang. Wear glasses.
"General consensus among my friends is that men in their thirties are more likely to have their shit together and are therefore more attractive than men in their twenties."
See, this just kind of re-inforces part of YOUNG's dilemma -- that many women like older men. His problem is that those women don't think he's one of those older men.
Women who do approach him do so because of his apparent youth so they aren't interested in his shit being together.
Women who DO like men of his age, and prefer those men in their 30s, stay away because he looks too young, like one of those guys in their 20s that have their shit all over the place.
You do still have a point, and it may still apply to YOUNG. I have a feeling it's either really just not his looks and it's a personality thing too, but it could also be that he's just not meeting enough women.
Also – and this is important – Zestra is NOT safe for use with latex condoms, so she would definitely have to change birth control methods, or use polyurethane condoms.
As for overall vitality *cough*
Oh, what the hell, I've already survived being tarred and feathered here:
http://www.doctoroz.com/blog/orgasmic-di…
my-own-horn-tooting--let the pitchforking begin!
Man, if I were single and a hot almost-40-year-old hit on me, WOO! There is something so hot about a man in that age range...more experience perhaps? Older but not too old?
Sooner or later YOUNG will meet an early twenty-something who is turned on by his age...if that's what he's looking for.
What does 'normalizing body functions' mean? How does one 'balance' a libido (or a mood, for that matter)? What is the active compound in ashwagandha? What is your source? Not anecdotal, please.
@31
Acupuncture shows no difference from needle-insertion at non-qi-whatever points or from blunt needles that do not penetrate the skin. It has never been shown in a well-controlled trial to have a clinical benefit for anything, and since you just saw fit to provide anecdotal evidence for it helping treat your 'lady problems", perhaps you have a reference. Has it ever even been tested as a treatment for decreased libido?
http://apps.who.int/medicinedocs/en/d/Js…
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles…
has some of the active compounds in ashwagandha. I doubt a libido-specific study exists because it is quite hard to get funding to do those studies, but I daresay I can find general hormonal research on the herb.
That explains that steroidal lactones in the plant act as hormone precursors.
1. respect each other
2. acupuncture has some evidence for use, mostly in tension headaches if i remember correctly
3. sorry herbs, but no good evidence based medicine supporting their use in this issue, or any other that I can think of, maybe post-menopausal symptoms, but unsure of that, maybe there has been shown to be some placebo effect with them, which is fine, as long as it doesn't do you any harm or interact with any other medications you are on and tell your medical doctor you are taking it
One of the (many) differences between medical doctors and naturopaths/chiropractors/homeopath etc. is the use of evidence-based medicine in the treatment approach.
Allison M, that really made me laugh. I suspect you hit the nail on the head!!!
I have a co-worker who is 39 but everyone assumes is mid-twenties. He has a boyish face, is in good shape, and his clothes don't really broadcast an age (button-down shirts, unremarkable slacks or cordoroys).
But he's such a shy, low-key, sweet guy that women of ALL ages like him. Seriously, half of our female customers have crushes on him, from college girls to grandmas. His main worry with the ladies is turning them down without hurting their feelings. Also, he blushes bright red when women get all giggly around him.
I suspect that YOUNG has a very different personality than my coworker!
If women of every age are turning you down, I would look more closely at your personality. Because the age line all the time thing sounds like a sign of something else.
Are you insane? Do you know how many prescription medicines are based on ancient herbal remedies? You've probably got some in your medicine cabinet right now. Got aspirin?
Plants are the source of over 40% of the pharmaceutical medicines in use today in the United States. Much of that is based on anecdotal evidence passed down through the generations, by people who knew which herbs did what.
Some plants can kill you if you ingest them. Is that evidence enough that they contain chemicals which affect the human body? Jees.
The ignorance and arrogance of some of you anti-alternative medicine folks is shocking to me.
I suspect that, rather than his age/appearance discrepancy, that is what's turning the girls away once they start chatting with him.
I must also point out that even the young woman who find young attractive will start wondering why he is cruising girls instead of women. Not a good sign. The girls do have dads, and YOUNG is about as "young" as they are. Some are probably a bit creeped by that.
Sham acupuncture more beneficial than re…
SEED Magazine article explaining why as …
@58
That's a study on the effect of the herb on preventing skin cancer in rats. That has absolutely nothing to do with increasing the libido in human women, and to suggest that it does is analogous to recommending NHNH use sunscreen.
@59
That website makes a lot of claims and has zero references. How does it boost immune cells? How does it increase sperm count? What does 'nourishing females' mean? How does it alleviate anemia? Where is a link to the supposed Alzheimer's study? 'Alkaloid' is massive category of chemical compounds, and to suggest that because nicotine, caffeine and morphine have them (but they're different ones!) and so does this herb it cures all is wishful thinking. Withanolide is only found in plants, and they make the claim that it can be used as a human hormone precursor, but give no references. In fact, the only hits in remotely academic locales are in regards to anticancer research, and nothing at all to do with libidos.
1) Tell yourself it is going to come back and don't despair. Get yourself to a more supportive doctor AND get yourself to a shrink if you can afford it. You sound like you've been through a harrowing time, and that could be affecting your sex drive PLUS you could be psyching yourself out. Orgasms are heavily mental for me at least, and if I'd been feeling out of sorts sexually for more than a year, I would be having a hard time getting my head back in the game.
2) Do Kegel exercises. Eat healthy. Exercise the rest of you too. It can't hurt. I know I'm more energized and happier when I'm doing these things, and this could all contribute further to your desire levels.
3) Don't just take vaginal off the table for a while. Take orgasms off the table too - at least for yourself. Remove the pressure - there's so much else that's fun about sex besides that. I remember when I first started fooling around and I made my boyfriend scream and bang his head against the headboard at the same time in a good way - that was kind of cool. Get some books on neat things to try in bed and read them; see if that gets you worked up or curious. Then read them with your boyfriend.
4)Kind of following from 3, turn your boyfriend into a science experiment. You love him, so you must enjoy giving him pleasure. Read up on all the cool stuff you can do to him and then set about blowing his mind and trying new things. If he feels guilty being on the receiving end so much, tell him you'll be collecting the debt when your sex drive comes back.
I guess my nutshell is to move forward on all fronts in addressing the problem, but not to confront it head on in the bedroom just yet. Improve your overall life, take an optimistic outlook and focus on anything but your sex drive in the bedroom for the time being. Instead focus on making the sex more interesting and fun.
I apologize if this seems obtuse or a "no duh" solution you have already tried. I don't want to be like those people who insist to the overweight that losing weight is easy or something.
A friend of mine is 51 and dumb little girls can't tell how old he is! He's grey and blonde but still their too dumb to figure it out.
http://www.dynamicchiropractic.ca/mpacms…
I posted the first ashwagandha link to show that there are compounds in the herb that do have proven medical applications, as you requested.
As for libido research, it's almost impossible to get goddamned funding for it unless you are studying a pharmaceutical, so I'm not surprised it doesn't exist. But I can hunt down the general hormonal references if you like.
It's a different time zone here.
http://www.raysahelian.com/ashwagandha.h…
Thyroid yes--and of course thyroid issues can impact a woman's libido, but I think the real issue is the herb's effect on nitric oxide. I'll have to do more poking around.
Here's a great example for anyone who likes colloidal silver. Anyone take supplement with colloidal silver?
If you do, you're being ripped off. Your supplement maker is lying to you and stealing your money, and selling you crap with NO active ingredient. And you should be grateful for that. Because the reason the medical establishment stopped using that stuff isn't that it wasn't patentable, or that big pharma couldn't profit off it, it's because it was turning people BLUE. Permanently. And not in a sexy, avatar kind of way, more like a three-day-old corpse. Still does, occasionally, when someone makes their own.
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/22536241/
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/con…
I'm not saying your supplement can't possibly work, I'm just saying you're taking a few chances putting unstudied chemicals in your body, and you're quite likely being ripped off.
Of course a huge percentage of pharmaceuticals are based on herb lore, and of course many of them are made from plants. BUT, these drugs have undergone years of clinical trials, as the herbal remedies in your local Whole Foods have not. That is the difference. It's not about being anti-alternative medicine, it's about being more about being pro-evidence based medicine, because it's much safer. It's not that herbs have no effect, it's that their effect is untested. Oh, and when I talk about evidence, I mean peer-reviewed, clinical trials.
Pre-natals when you're not even trying to get pregnant, really? I had an unplanned pregnancy, didn't start taking pre-natals til 8-12 weeks in and wasn't really good about taking them until about 20 weeks (lots of upheaval and distress in my life made me forget a lot), and my son is healthy as can be. And herbs and homeopathic remedies are all fine and good, but she should still see a Dr. before starting any of that since internet research about those things is sketchy at best.
http://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Your…
Regarding comment at #41:
There is issue to be taken with the idea that every
-potentially fertile woman who is
-sexually active
-and using birth control of 98% effecacy
needs to treat herself as potentially pregnant.
Really? By this reasoning we should ban all pre-menopausal women from chocolate, alcohol, coffee, tuna fish, psychiatic medications and many antibiotics. We should also prevent them from professions involving use of chemicals (like cleaning, lab work, manufacturing, trucking, medicine), lifting (consider baking, filing, military service) and (otherwise safe) radiation (such as dentistry, quarry work) and pick your end point. This is foolish.
Absence of folic acid can, afaik, lead to some pretty nasty birth defects, even that early on, and it's destroyed by sun exposure, so unless you eat a lot of, er, whatever folic acid comes from, it's smart to take a multi that has some, as nutritional insurance.
In fact [pedantic mode] folic acid is probably half of the equation that makes it so that, fairly consistently throughout history and in different regions, people at a particular latitude tend to be within a particular range of skin tones. The reason people can't be too dark for their latitude has been known for a while (rickets from lack of vitamin D), but the link the other way wasn't known until fairly recently. If you are getting too much sun, along with fun stuff like skin cancer (which tends to occur too late to mess with reproduction rates much), you'll have a higher rate of birth defects because the folic acid in your skin is getting destroyed. [/pedantic mode]
(ask me some time about the probable science behind racial myths about penis size...)
Btw, I had a non-hormonal IUD for years. I loved not having to take pills, shots, whatever. It is the Paragard IUD, and once implanted, it provides pregnancy protection for up to 10 years if I remember correctly.
Good luck, you have my sympathy! :)
But I suppose we'll always have closed-minded idiots like #47, who actually says "I personally find that dating someone outside of a plus-or-minus five year window is not a good idea, as they're often in a much different phase of life. A guy in his late 30s isn't looking to start a new family like a girl in her 20s, for example."
Tell that to Bogie & Bacall, among others.
To YOUNG; not all ladies are scared off by older men, but you need to tell them at the right time. I knew that the man who later became my fiancee was significantly older than me and he knew that I was quite young, but we didn't reveal our exact ages until our second date. Three years later we're planning our wedding and our families and friends care more about what they're going to wear to it than our 15 year age difference.
Perhaps the trick to finding the right lady is finding one that doesn't ask your age within 10 minutes of meeting you.
I wouldn't exactly trust the website of the dude selling the stuff with reports of its efficacy. And the fact that the "exact dosages and extract potencies of" the Passion Rx marketed as a sexual enhancer to men and women are a "close kept secret" is a HUGE red flag.
The studies on that site are interesting, but do not speak to this herb's effect on libido in the least. It's not surprising that a plant has antimicrobial properties. There's a bit of evidence that something in the mix has antitumor or protective effects against some types of cancers. And a bit of evidence that something in the mix may increase NO production at the transcriptional level, but it's a huge stretch to say that's going to have an effect on sex drive.
And the only mentions of thyroid involvement are the anecdotal emails at the bottom.
I'm not terribly motivated to look into the herb's effect on NO. I've never tried the herb myself and don't know much about it.