Savage Love

Cock in a Box

Comments

1
And penises are just really big clits.
2
To give MOUTH a real answer...

He's got a reason for not wanting to go down there. It could be your hygiene, but you miss it, so you WERE getting it, so probably not. He's a misogynist jerk, or he's afraid of women, or he's gay. I guess there are other reasons, but I suspect they mostly boil down to those three. When you insist ("here, now, and make it good, or I'm getting it from the cute waiter at that restaurant up the road"), you'll know by the response you'll get.
"I forbid it!"
"Uh, sorry, um, maybe I could but, um..."
"Yeah he's pretty good at .. uh, I mean, what cute waiter?"

Options one and three: get out. Option two: get assertive.
3
Why does the guy in a relationship with the FTM focus so much on the pussy? It`s not just a vagina - there`s a clit there, too! Suck the clit, rub the clit, do whatever you`d do to a very small penis, and don`t worry about the vagina unless your partner asks you to. I`m a cis-gendered woman, but I can get off and have a good time with just clit play and no penetration at all.
4
SFMiP, try using the ancient Hindu word yoni. Try googling the word and see how, um, widespread the term is (although it is also an Israeli nickname for Yonatan, Jonathan, so be aware.) Personally, I like cunt, as long as it's not used metonymically, rather in its proper context. I believe it's replaced fuck as the most powerful word in the English lexicon.

As for the letter from SFTSLAFI, good sales pitch in the last paragraph, Buck. (Jeez.)
5
You know, I'd really like meet Buck Angel. He seems like a really cool and interesting person.

Great column, Dan.
6
oral gives as oral gets - if he won't do it for you show him how it feels and quit doing it for him. i mean, maybe you enjoy giving enough that not getting is ok, but it sure doesn't sound like it. if he wont go there and that's what you want/need, find a new guy -- there are SO MANY out there who love it.
7
When you're attracted to someone, hopefully it's all the same... My mind as a gay man was totally blown the first time I caught a glimpse of Buck Angel. Who is a fantastically hot man. With a pussy. Which I'd like to do all kinds of things to. Mind, blown. So I'd just try it on for size and see how it goes, as long as you're courteous and remember to communicate with each other.
9
I have no further comments for the first letters, but their stories are interesting, to say the least. They also gave Dan the chance to enlighten us about the Cock in a box. Great!

However, I can tell something to MOUTH: To me, giving oral to my ex wife was boring because she didn't react and didn't look as if she was having fun. Are you expressing your satisfaction in an engaging way? Still, there might be other reasons for your situation: perhaps your BF is gay and doesn't know it; or he's mostly hetero but slightly gay; or just hasn't learned how gay he is. Men who don't like to oral women and have not declared themselves as gay tend to have issues with their own sexual identity. Last but not least: Based on Jaime Bayly's opinion, perhaps he just doesn't love you.
10
If you're not comfortable being with a pre-op or non-op FTM transexual, then for god's sake don't be with him. You're going to waste years of his youth and totally fuck up his self-image if you won't accept his body for what it is, and give him orgasms too. Dan's general rule that oral sex comes standard with every model holds true whether you're dating a transman or woman or man or lion, etc.

Okay, maybe not the lion. Sharp teeth hurt.
11
Also, regarding the lack of oral. I am a woman who's never really had a good experience with oral. Any guy I've ever dated has quickly stopped doing it. I've been told once outright that my vagina just doesn't taste good (although I'm disease-free). I've been on a variety of birth control pills in my life, which seem to have permanently altered the smell and taste of my vaginal fluids. I've pretty much come to accept that no man will go down on me for more than a couple of minutes right after I get out of the shower, which is never enough to get me off.

But I (and you) can live with it and make it work. Talk this over with your man and find out why he's stopped going down on you. BE PREPARED TO HEAR SOMETHING YOU WILL NOT LIKE. If you can't handle hearing that your vag tastes funny, then don't ask. But also realize that ignorance of the truth will not make you happier than knowing, either.

My current boyfriend is really awesome. He gives the best oral, even if only for a few minutes at a time. Which is apparently all I'm ever going to get unless I date someone without taste buds! I love giving oral way too much to withhold it, as well.

It's all good. This is why god invented vibrators. And your man should still be manually stimulating you, even if he doesn't like oral for whatever reason.
12
By bottom, I thought he meant that they wouldn't be interested in sexually gratifying him with anything but anal because he has a pussy. I didn't read anything BDSM into that at all. Maybe I'm just too vanilla to pick up on it.
13
Regarding oral sex, if it's a taste issue, why not use a dental dam or douse the recipient in something strongly-flavored and yummy, like minty dark chocolate sauce or strawberry syrup?

LoveHoney makes an oral sex (cunnilingus) simulator called Sqweel, which has something like 10 "tongues" that rotate around the wheel, one after the other, flicking away at various, chosen speeds. (Make sure to use plenty of lube, BTW!)

Lastly, for MOUTH, ask your partner about it. Maybe it's psychological, or he's lazy/selfish, or there is a taste issue, but he could have a jaw problem. I have a real problem with giving prolonged oral sex because of deep jaw pain (I have a family history of TMJ) and a small mouth (I felt a little vindicated when my anaesthesiologist noted that I was extremely difficult to intubate due to the latter). I still do it but not as often as I would otherwise . . . .
14
Regarding oral sex, if it's a taste issue, why not use a dental dam or douse the recipient in something strongly-flavored and yummy, like minty dark chocolate sauce or strawberry syrup?

LoveHoney makes an oral sex (cunnilingus) simulator called Sqweel, which has something like 10 "tongues" that rotate around the wheel, one after the other, flicking away at various, chosen speeds. (Make sure to use plenty of lube, BTW!)

Lastly, for MOUTH, ask your partner about it. Maybe it's psychological, or he's lazy/selfish, or there is a taste issue, but he could have a jaw problem. I have a real problem with giving prolonged oral sex because of deep jaw pain (I have a family history of TMJ) and a small mouth (I felt a little vindicated when my anaesthesiologist noted that I was extremely difficult to intubate due to the latter). I still do it but not as often as I would otherwise . . . .
15
Well done with the bf of the FTM, Dan. A little NLP session never hurts. It sounds like they are really attracted to each other, they just need something to "bridge the divide"

Here's something you didn't suggest - the Feeldoe. He can stick it inside him and get a hand/blow job from the bf. It will make the guy feel so much more relaxed and confident having a cock, and then they can work their way up to the cock box.
16
To the guy whose trans-guy boyfriend needs to be gotten off...

HANDJOBS. Handjobs, handjobs, handjobs. Handjobs with fingers, handjobs with vibrators, handjobs with vigor, subtle handjobs, shocker handjobs, the more the merrier. And when you've had enough of that, fun with frottage. Grind in bed, rub off against each other on the kitchen counter, have tons of fun in the shower. Heck, get one of those combo cock ring-vibes, have him climb on top of you, and let him fuck himself senseless while you enjoy the show.

If you really like giving blowjobs, and he's a visually-stimulated kind of guy, see if he'll get a strapon, make eye contact when you go down, and play with his clit while you make eye contact. You can get one with a vibe built in, or one that is a dual-purpose strap-on/dildo if he's into that.

Since nobody else has brought this up--you didn't mention whether your partner was on T or not, or has had any other alterations with his factory-issue equipment. If those factory-issue parts are still functional as designed--or even if you think they might be--and your cock is anywhere near them, WRAP IT UP.
17
To the guy whose trans-guy boyfriend needs to be gotten off...

HANDJOBS. Handjobs, handjobs, handjobs. Handjobs with fingers, handjobs with vibrators, handjobs with vigor, subtle handjobs, shocker handjobs, the more the merrier. And when you've had enough of that, fun with frottage. Grind in bed, rub off against each other on the kitchen counter, have tons of fun in the shower. Heck, get one of those combo cock ring-vibes, have him climb on top of you, and let him fuck himself senseless while you enjoy the show.

If you really like giving blowjobs, and he's a visually-stimulated kind of guy, see if he'll get a strapon, make eye contact when you go down, and play with his clit while you make eye contact. You can get one with a vibe built in, or one that is a dual-purpose strap-on/dildo if he's into that.

Since nobody else has brought this up--you didn't mention whether your partner was on T or not, or has had any other alterations with his factory-issue equipment. If those factory-issue parts are still functional as designed--or even if you think they might be--and your cock is anywhere near them, WRAP IT UP.
18
D'oh, sorry for the double post.
19
I'm a straight woman and can't get over the image of my flat-packed IKEA cock. Hilarious!

As for the woman who doesn't know what to call her vagina... why not give it a name? Then you can choose whether the name is girly, sexy, filthy or elegant.
20
Jeez Rach3l, what a sad situation! Don't settle for that, your clit doesn't produce any juices so saying that they don't like the taste is just a bs excuse. They don't have to stick their tongue into your vagina, oral should be about clitoris! Have a dildo/vibrator in the vagina and a tongue on your clit and rock on!
21
Mouth and #2- there is another option, similar to what #9 said. Perhaps there has been some exchange that has made him nervous or believe that you don't enjoy this process or that he is not skilled in this area. I was once in a similar situation and it turns out that a conversation about an ex had communicated that it wasn't something I was into. The misunderstanding was addressed and things picked up. Either way, you have a tough conversation ahead of you. Good luck.
22
The cock-in-a-box concept is absolutely classic.

One extra thing for the first letterwriter, regarding anal and why on earth someone without a prostate would be into it. Obviously there are lots of fun things about anal apart from the prostate, which Buck, Dan and other commenters have covered. However, no one's mentioned this so far: his FTM boyfriend, like all folk with a pussy, has a G-spot. Which you can stimulate anally - the walls between vagina and anus are actually pretty thin. If you know what the G-spot feels like in the vagina (which you may or may not, depending on past experience - it's on the front wall, and kind of spongey), you can feel it pretty easily by sticking a finger up his ass and curling pretty much as you'd do when going for the prostate. From the ass, it's in roughly the same place. Have fun.
23
alright I'm confused... and not in a good way...
24
@22: yep, I meant to add that too. Plenty of cis-ladies love anal (A LOT) so don't assume he doesn't like it just because he doesn't have a prostate.

You should probably have a couple of glasses of wine together and have a light, honest conversation about what you can do to rock your transguy's world.
25
1. I can't believe Dan didn't point this out, but a prostate is not required for enjoyable anal. Plenty of female-bodied people, gay and straight, enjoy it just fine. Your friend may still not, but don't assume the lack of a prostate means a lack of interest.
2. DEAR GOD *DO NOT* put anything like chocolate sauce or strawberry syrup between a woman's legs! Anything sugar--including lubes with glycerin--is an invitation to a not-so-yummy yeast infection. Get some stuff designed to go down there. I believe Babeland is glycerin-free.
26
I hope you didn't give some dumb guys the idea that vigorously rubbing a woman's clit will bring her the same pleasure as vigorously rubbing a man's penis will for him. They're not perfectly analogous.
27
MOUTH has an awesome acronym. I plan to use "hornify" in a sentence today!
28
@Rach3l.....it isn't your bc pills that affect your taste....its the food you eat. Just like how it affects how a guy's jizz tastes. Look at your diet. Eat more fruits and veggies and it should improve how you taste.
29
To the first letter writer, good advice. I'd add that if you focus on the clit rather than the hole (unless/until he expresses a desire for that), and talk about it like a cock, that should help. Just don't be quite as rough with it as a cock, or make good use of that "foreskin." It seems to me that FTMs will become more comfortable using more and more of their factory issued parts as they acquire more experience with a partner who sees them the same way they see themselves. Also, bottom surgery might not be the best thing for upping your partner's sexual enjoyment, since the results often don't guarantee preserved sexual sensation. How do I know? Actual experience with FTMs here.

11# Totally unacceptable situation. Make that guy stay down there if he gives such good oral sex! Especially if he'll still only do it for a few minutes even right after a shower. What could possibly have made your pussy funky during that short window of time?

I'm a gay guy and I've got to say, through observation only, there seems to be a lot of straight guys who are total scrotums when it comes to giving oral sex to their partners. A gay guy would never get away with such bullshit. Let me tell you, penises aren't always perfectly tasty and hygenic lollipops. I honestly think that what it really boils down to is that many straight guys are LAZY, or unfairly squeamish - sure, your pussy might not taste "good" to him, but he might object if it tasted like anything but the most delicious ambrosia, especially if he's being "inconvenienced" by a kink in his neck or a sore jaw.

I second #14's suggestion for using a dental dam - not the douching with sweet stuff though, unless you want to get a yeast infection. Go and get some flavored dental dams, present them to your partner in a dramatic ceremony after a shower (always a good idea for oral sex, for BOTH sexes), and tell him to get to work. Hold him there even if he squirms. If he still objects, you'll know it's laziness/selfishness/scrotumish level of squeamishness, and be able to tell him to suck it up.
30
Re: Cock in the box
Maybe it's a generational thing- I'm 65- but we used to call them boxes. Never heard of a box lunch? Additionally, we must not overlook the Beaver, which is the animal-world equivalent to the Cock, derived from the term for a male bird, sometimes specifically the Rooster. Save a tree- eat a beaver, non?
31
Dan, you forgot a key part of the advice to MOUTH. If he won't eat her pussy or suck his cock then she should DTMFA.
32
Advice to the persnickety straight girl: Pick one and use it all the time; you'll eventually just get used to it. Then you can start thinking about more important things.
33
Dan, I love your advice to the first letter!! I'm a bi girl with a non-op MTF girlfriend, and the reverse (a cock is just a big clit) works fine too. I had a couple thoughts to add, also: His partner may not be into anal not because of a lack of prostate (there are plenty of other happy little nerves back there) but because being penetrated is too much like being in the female role, at least for now. And also, a well-placed strap-on can deliver plenty of sensation to the wearer as well as the receiver. It has to be settled just right - on top of the clit works well - but I've been able to come with that alone, so maybe it would work for this writer's partner too?
Also, to Rach31 and maybe MOUTH - you have been thoroughly checked by your gyno, right? It's possible some infection is altering the way you smell & taste. Bacterial Vaginosis, in particular, usually makes the smell and taste stronger and less pleasant (that "fishy smell" thing), and a lot of women have no other symptoms than that, so they don't realize it. It can be treated (though if you've had it a while it may take more than one round of treatment) and taking folic acid and probiotics also seems to help.
34
re: hornified.
check out this short film from Joseph Gordon-Levitt's hitRECord. It makes excellent use of hornified as well as being an excellent way to spend 5 minutes.
http://hitrecord.org/records/40939
35
Oral sex is a basic human right.

Curious: MOUTH - have you directly asked your BF why he won't lick the kitty? If you can't ask your BF directly then there is some weird dynamic in that relationship.
36
Oh my Dan! How you have grown: from a "canned ham dropped from a great height" to a "cock in a box." I will be laughing over this all day.
37
Yeah like I said, disease-free. Trust me, I had a comprehensive workup done after I was told that my vagina just didn't taste good.

Really, I'm ok with things as they are. Though I definitely appreciate the advice about dental dams. I haven't heard about those since 4th grade period education class :) how quaint and potentially useful!
38
Whisker biscuit is my preferred term.

Also golden gates, gates of heaven, heavenly triangle, snatch, I could go on for while.
39
so does this mean the christian fundamentalists are correct....a gay man can learn to love pussy and so become straight?
or perhaps a kinsey 6 can become a kinsey 5?
40
Love that you posted 2 FTM questions today, Dan! If you want more info on FTM sexuality and culture you should check out "Original Plumbing magazine"... its this quarterly mag published out of San Francisco featuring trans guys from all over the globe. Enjoy!
41
@14 Two words: YEAST INFECTION. NEVER put sugar on a pussy. EVER. That is what sugar-free flavored lubes are for.

If a guy says he doesn't like the taste of your pussy, be sure to ask:

1) How many pussies have you eaten?

If the answer is 0, he may have an issue with the flavor/smell of pussy in general, not just yours.

2) Of the pussies you have eaten, how many have you liked?

If the guy has never happened across a pussy he liked, ditto. His problem, not yours.

If, however, he's eaten dozens of pussies and liked every one but yours, consider hygiene as a factor. Shave/wax/trim, be sure to inspect your labia and prepuce for smegma and wash it off with soap, consider taking probiotics, or eating lots of yogurt.

One extremely common cause of foul-smelling vagina is bacterial vaginosis. Get a Vagisil pH testing kit at your local pharmacy to see if you have it. If you do, consult your physician.

Some men don't eat pussy because they have a "macho" issue. If that's the case, issue an ultimatum: eat it or say goodbye!
42
I just noticed Joe Newton's illustration. Too cute!
43
I suggest the girl who hates the common slang for vagina to check YouTube for the song "You can't say cunt in Canada" by Aussie comic Kevin Bloody Wilson.
44
I suggest to the girl who hates the common vagina slang words to check YouTube for the song "You can't say cunt in Canada" by Aussie comic Kevin Bloody Wilson.
46
I have to say as a woman, I am incredibly into anal (providing the person with the cock knows what they are doing anyway). The clitoris has nerve endings on the anal side as well, plus it is just fucking HOT.
47
Pussy is an acquired taste, and you don't have to be gay to have an issue with that. Semen is equally an acquired taste. A woman who doesn't care for the flavor is not a de facto lesbian.

No two pussies taste exactly the same, just as the semen of two different men tastes different.

As noted by another commenter, flavors change with diet and over time. My GF's flavor varies with her cycle, and she tastes very different immediately after an intense orgasm.

One time I was giving head to a BF whose flavor changed partway through the ejaculation.

Variants in flavor are a wonderful thing to explore, but can lead to some surprising outcomes (ahem), and since it's an acquired taste, someone new to the scene might still be a little edgy about everything.

Some people are also triggered by texture issues. For instance, I cannot eat soft eggs. Poached eggs in particular will never get past my gag reflex. They make me think of huge gobbets of snot.

If MOUTH's man is imagining a chunk of lukewarm fat on his lips every time he goes down, there isn't any amount of persuasion that'll work; he needs to overcome it, and it'll probably have to be slowly.

Some people might love giving oral the very first time they try it. Others might need to take it a little more slowly and get used to it. And a few might simply not enjoy it at all. I tend to agree that oral is a fundamental human right, but it's also a fundamental human right to not do it, whatever the reason might be.

Passing judgment on a particular individual, because that person doesn't like giving oral to someone, doesn't elevate the discussion. Or anyone's luggage, for that matter.
48
Rach31. This may seem icky to you, as a straight girl, but consider this: have you ever tasted yourself? That way you can know what it is that the boyfriends are talking about (and honestly, it can't possibly be more icky than semen). This all sounds like your boyfriends are lazy/ want an excuse and you are giving them one because you have this hangup now. Because really, out of the shower? The excuse sounds fishy to me. (Pun intended.)
49
@39 blackbird, Thank you. I was thinking the same exact thing. I guess all we (gay men) need to do is find a mannish looking woman, give her the pronoun him, and pretend her vagina is just a “cock in a box”. I think we just found the cure for gayness. And this should get rid of the whole "men" marrying "men" problem. Oh, wait, I guess it won’t since people who were physically born women but feel they are men, yet still have vaginas, are now considered men, even though they are not men physically.
50
@49: There's a self-selected bias there. He's already with a FTM, so he's probably more about the gender identity than the equipment already. If he has chronic equipment-focused gay, Dan's advice won't help. If, however, he only has transient gay (a 4 or a 5) but still primarily identifies as gay, the advice might help.

Of course, his particular brand of gay might be more about identity than equipment. But it's okay to be all about the equipment as well.

We're all unique, right?
51
We don't all start out as girls. We start out with basic hardware that can develop into boy parts or girl parts. If you have the right instruction set (from the Y chromosome) your parts become the male ones. If not, you go female. I'm a physician (a neonatologist).
52
@38 Best one I ever heard was "the Batcave".

And sex was called "parking the Batmobile."
53
blackbird and wtfftm, if you don't want to have sex with ftms because you feel they aren't real men and it would diminish your gay identity then don't do it. just like your being gay doesn't invalidate the sexuality of straight men, and people transitioning mtf who used to identify as gay men doesn't mean all gay men have feminine gender identities, if there are gay men who want to screw and/or date ftms why should it affect you? and who cares what the religious right thinks. we all get to define ourselves. but you don't have the right to define or prescribe behavior for other people.
54
at_giza, make that, "If you have a Y chromosome, you develop male parts. If you have two Xes, you develop female ones."

"Male" doesn't equal "right."
55
@11

Okay, I may not be the guy around here who's gone down on the most girls, but I'd like to think I have at least a fair bit of experience. I've been with girls on the pill, off the pill, never been on the pill, ect. I've never noticed a massive difference in taste that couldn't be accounted for by "every pussy tastes somewhat different".

I should admit, firstly, that I don't enjoy it directly. It is not a fun experience in and of itself, but I don't imagine many women consider giving oral sex is enjoyable in and of itself. I enjoy giving my partner pleasure, I enjoy making her happy, I don't enjoy the actual sensation of eating her out. So, if there are guys or girls out there who consider giving oral sex to be lots of fun as a purely sensory experience for the person giving it, take this as the ignorance it is.

I've never particularly liked the taste of a woman's pussy. I don't actively hate it, mind you, and I do perform oral sex for as much time as my girlfriends have wanted, but that's not because I'm really savoring it.

I've heard kind of the same thing from girlfriends, though, that they don't really enjoy the direct experience of giving me oral sex (especially that it's hard on the jaw), and that they don't derive any pleasure from the act itself, but that knowing I enjoy it makes it worthwhile.

Especially if he gets off (as I figure many guys, myself included, do) on the idea of you swallowing his semen, it's a quid-pro-quo kind of deal.

@51

Uh... No. We do start of (physically) with internal genitalia and a proto-vagina. Yes, the proto-vagina and ovaries become either a full-fledged vagina and ovaries, or the ovaries turn into testes and drop, which then cause the formation of the penis, but the actual physiology starts off basically female.

@Everyone

Can we come up with some better slang for oral sex? All of the words I know for either gender (blowjobs, sucking off, going down on, ect. for guys; eating out, going down on, licking her pussy, ect. for girls) sound simply ugly.
56
@15 as an ftm guy who tried it, I have to express my opinion about the feeldoe. It was horrible. The texture is awful and it was HEAVY.

It seems to me like it's made for lesbians- the not-really-penis shaped shaft, the enourmous bulb- it's damn near the size of a baseball. And the texture is disgusting. It feels nothing like a penis which would be great for someone who doesn't want to think of it as a penis.

This is AWOL who wrote in from the blog and I want to express my sincerest thanks for the really positive ftm letters lately.
57
How about "fellate"? A nice, erudite, term. Don't know what the female equivalent would be, though. To "cunnilingate"? Hmm, awkward. "lick" sounds fine to me, though.
58
@48 yes, that's the reason I know that my fluids have changed in flavor. I've been tasting my own vagina since I was about 14 (I'm 25 now), and it's significantly less pleasant than it used to be in both odor and flavor. I could tolerate it long enough to get myself off, but that's maybe just cause I am used to it. If only I could go down on myself :P
59
Dan - you say "It's like a cock you got at Ikea—there's some assembly required, SFTSLAFI, but you can assemble it only in your imagination."

I don't understand why there's a "but" in this sentence. Everything I've ever bought in Ikea could only be assembled in my imagination.
60
@54: I don't think 51 meant that females were "wrong". I suspect the sentence could be more accurately nuanced as "If you have a Y chromosome that has the correct set of instructions for "male", you will end up developing into a male; if you do not have these instructions, you will develop into a female".

As in, it's not *quite* as simple as XY=boy, XX=girl. If you have a Y chromosome that either is missing the "turn into a boy" genes, or has a sufficiently damaged or defective set, you'll end up a girl (physiologically) despite actually being XY. I think it's even, at least theoretically, possible to be XX and physiologically male, if the "turn into a boy" genes end up in the wrong place.
61
I'm with the physician @51, though: women aren't just underdeveloped men, they do actually develop sexually in different ways.

As to double-dildos (if you can stand and get off on penetration) the Share is great, comes in three sizes, is available at Babeland and many other sex boutiques, and is designed by Germans.
62
"These guys should watch a Buck Angel film while having sex," says Buck. "It'll show him the way some FTMs like to get off and might make him see how hot having sex with an FTM is!"


I can't speak for gay sex or gay sex videos (or FTM sex videos, etc.), but in my experience, watching porn for tips (assuming the porn is useful for that; most hetero porn isn't very useful for the real world, but I'll take Buck at his word) is best done *before* you have sex, not during. There's not much intimate or sexy about trying to focus on the screen while shagging.

If you're going to watch porn during sex, I'd advise you do it because it's arousing, not instructional.
63
@55 Seldon2639 : great comment.

@51 : do neonatalogists still get to practice when they've failed Ontogeny 101 ? Scary.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCfT2txzc…
64
@57

I guess "lick" is okay, it just lacks a bit of... Sophistication, I guess. Something about "licking her [insert euphemism for vagina here]" just rubs me the wrong way. Fingering sounds decent enough, handjob is all right, but all of the phrases I can think of for oral sex are cringeworthy to me.

@58

In the grand pantheon of "unpleasant stuff I've done for girlfriends", going down on one (even if the smell or taste weren't particularly pleasant) doesn't rank up there with "giving one of my kidneys". I *would* check with a doctor, but I also wouldn't blithely accept that you don't get to demand satisfying oral sex. If dental dams are necessary, let him buy them (or make DIY ones out of a latex glove).

Though, the point that oral sex on a woman is mostly about the clitoris is a good one.

@60

I've never heard of an instance of a genotypically female fetus developing into a phenotypical male. The reverse is well-documented, based on the fetus being non-responsive to the testosterone which should be going through and making changes. But, in order to be XX and develop into a male would require that the fetus essentially be so malformed as to be releasing testosterone instead of estrogen.

It's possible, I guess, but seems very unlikely.

@61

That wasn't really Dan's point (nor anyone else's). It's not a pejorative "see, women are just less developed than men" thing; everyone who's gone to high school knows it's a different process. What Dan was pointing out is that we all start of roughly physiologically female, and differentiate based on genes.

@62

Depends on the heterosexual porn, I guess. A lot of what I've seen, and read, have actually been pretty useful in early discovery of what the hell I'm doing. If I had to relearn sex from scratch again, I'd probably go to porn first.

Yeah, some of it is really unrealistic, but if you find the stuff that actually shows the gender you want to please enjoying him/herself, you'll usually figure a few things out.

It was porn that taught me where the clitoris is, and good porn that showed me that most women seem to enjoy stimulation there much more than simply being penetrated.

I dunno about FTM porn, but if you can find stuff that actually has members of your desired gender discussing their sexuality, it can be both arousing and instructional.

@63

Thanks.

And, this is one of those "I could claim to be a rocket scientist" moments vis-a-vis the "doctor".
65
For all ladies missing oral, there are guys in every city on CL that are oral submissive and want nothing more then to lick you to extasy.
66
@56: there's also the Mantric Sysil Edge, which is another strapless strap-on with a bullet vibe and a much nicer texture, and it can also be locked into different angles. It's way better quality than the Feeldoe, but still pretty much non-realistic in design, though.
67
@64: I've never heard of a case, but I *think* there's just a few genes involved in the male-development "on" switch, most of the Y chromosome codes for other things. So, if the "on" switch genes ended up on, for example, the X chromosome, it would be theoretically possible to have an XX male. Because, as long as they have the "turn on male development" genes, they'll come out male.

[does a quick google]
Wikipedia says that not only is it theoretically possible, there are documented cases. It's rare, but it *does* happen. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/XX_male_syn…
They apparently tend to be a bit messed up, and sterile, but "sterile and a bit messed up" is a common result for a lot of genetic abnormalities, especially sex-related ones.
68
@39 Not really: SFTSLAFI isn't asking how to find his friend attractive, but how to pleasure him. That's a very different problem to being pressured into relationships with people in a group which you just don't find attractive.
69
@67

Interesting. The relative difference in occurrence (1 in 20,000 for Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome, and 4 or 5 in 100,000 for XX Male Syndrome), does point to the much greater difficulty in the formation of a female fetus turning male than a male fetus turning female.

The point, of course, is that the standard development is (realistically) female, which is only changed by the presence of high levels of prenatal testosterone. It's easier for the body to be insensitive to a hormone than for a body to produce a hormone it shouldn't.

Were it not for that, we'd all be female
70
I always liked "peachfish," as taught by our master Tom Robbins.
71
Actually, using "cock" to refer to a vagina is Southern slang from the 50s, probably before:

http://blog.wfmu.org/freeform/2006/03/sm…

They mention it in reference to the Clovers' song, but also "Shave 'Em Dry" features Lucille Bogan singing that her cock is made of brass.
72
Actually, using "cock" to refer to a vagina is Southern slang from the 50s, probably before:

http://blog.wfmu.org/freeform/2006/03/sm…

They mention it in reference to the Clovers' song, but also "Shave 'Em Dry" features Lucille Bogan singing that her cock is made of brass.
73
@69, did you get the numbers correct? The two figures you cite are actually the same, not different. 1 in 20,000 = 5 in 100,000.
74
Anyone ever seen 'The Howard Stern Show'' 'Howard TV' episode where Buck Angel rides The Sybian? He even squirts galore. Buck deffo looks like a dude. He was even hot as a female model before going FTM. Ya gotta love The Stern Show. Genius entertainment man.
75
@14, "Regarding oral sex, if it's a taste issue, why not use a dental dam or douse the recipient in something strongly-flavored and yummy, like minty dark chocolate sauce or strawberry syrup?" is a yeast infection waiting to happen. Ew, gross, do not ever do this. The recipient will be itchy and have cottage cheeze cum for the next week or so.

Way to have no clue.
76
Dan, as a gay FTM, I (and my cock) absolutely love you this week.
77
Dan, as a gay FTM, I (and my cock) absolutely love you this week :)
78
@ #39: Um, no. There's a whole lot more to sexual attraction than genitalia. You know who you're attracted to without asking them to take their pants off, right?

Being able to work around an unconventional genital configuration in someone you're already attracted to isn't the same as being attracted to isn't a change in sexual orientation, just a change in perspective.
79
Refreshing column.
80
@59: My thoughts EXACTLY.
81
Wow, I'm really sad for the people who aren't aroused by giving oral to their partners. But I'm more sad for their partners. I mean, it's not like I have a clitoris in my mouth when I'm sucking cock, or that my jaw doesn't get sore, but, I mean, DAMN. So much fun. (I'd imagine I wouldn't enjoy it if I was with a bad partner, though.)
82
Letter 2...you can only think of 4 slang words for your pussy? I can think of a handful of delightful ones.
I think your real problem is how you feel about your girl parts, muff, cookie, clit,hole (okay I hate that one too),..need I go on..why not just make up your own name?!~
83
Vagina alternatives: "Ladybits," "Lady part" (this from my Southern auntie, RIP), "the Netherlands" (a fave of mine), "gonads" (traditionally thought of as a male-oriented word, but I say we take it back!), and, of course, I do so love "vajayjay." Or, you know, if you're on a first-name basis with said vagina, just "vajay" will do. ;)

Vagina alts I HATE: "coochie-snorcher" (from the equally abysmal "Vagina Monologues"), "cooter," "hee-hee."

Vag alts that are hysterical but prob shouldn't be used: "Beefcurtains!!"
84
@11+37-Rach31: You're welcome regarding the dental dam suggestion. Good luck!

@29-DrReality: Thanks for informing about the yeasty dangers of sugary substances near vaginas! Yech! As Lesborific noted, I had no clue -- but because although I have indeed doused myself (not douched!) with whipped cream, syrups, etc. myriad times, I have never had a yeast infection in my life. Go figure (and lucky me, I guess!).    

@75-Lesborific: And thank you so much for your disparaging "Way to have no clue." comment. Such puerile insolence felt really good to read after the day I've had. Score one for meanness. Bully.
85
What the heck? This weeks advice doesn't seem consistant with any advice ever given in this column like... ever. Then again, dealing with issues of sex on such a slippery slope as the transgender matterhorn must be truly trecherous. The mental trick about making a vagina a penis in your mind? That sounds like the advice an anti-gay bigot would give a gay man when he tries to explain why he doesn't sleep with women. It isn't even funny. They real question that should have been asked is why a man who loves penis is dating a person that lacks one and then complains about it.
86
Bi female here who does not enjoy anal. Not everyone does, and those who don't aren't necessarily hung up or repressed. For me, the sensation is not pleasurable. And yes, I've tried it a number of ways, with different lubes, with different guys. One man has brought me to orgasm during anal, and that was more "in spite of" rather than "as a result of". (He's remarkably talented, and I married him).
87
@63 I couldn't watch your link because "This video contains content from Sony Music Entertainment. It is no longer available in [my] country." What's the story?
88
http://www.gfmer.ch/Books/Reproductive_h… is pretty good, and it's referenced. Also if you can find a copy of an anatomy book by Frank Netter, he drew a plate of the sexual differentiation process.
89
As far as a slang term for a vagina, how about "meat flower" Is that pretty enough for you?
90
@83: Beefcurtains refers to labia, which are part of the vulva (external female genitalia), not the vagina (internal female genitalia).
91
I'm ftm, and what I like best to do is sit on a guy who is lying on his back, and rub up and down his cock with my mini-cock. Lube is important, of course. The bio-guys like it too. It feels kind of like I am fucking him. Up and down, up and down...excuse me...I have to...uh...
92
Dan;As usual,great on the humanist and humane advice,but a FAIL on your biology.The fact is,the gender of the fetus is predetermined at conception,not after.If the egg(always X)is fertilised by sperm (X or Y) carrying a Y chromosome,then the potential fetus will develop as a male.The hormone cascade that is responsible for the primary sex characteristics FULLY developing in utero is triggered by the brain,which was programmed by the chromosomes to secrete male or female hormones.Without the hormone cascade the primary sex characteristics never develop in EITHER sex,and what you get is a sterile neuter with underdeveloped genitals.I'm didactic,you're welcome.
93
I am in support of trans rights. But I take issue with calling a ftm's clit a mini-cock, unless it grows significantly with the addition of male hormone therapy. Does it? Because if a ftm clit is the same size as my regular female clit, I take issue with labeling something that is visually identical to my clit as a mini-penis.
94
Rach31 why do you care what people call their bits? Seriously if transpeople have to call their junk "mini-cocks" and "stick-clits" or whatever so they can get over the mindfuck of gender dysphoria enough to actually enjoy sex with a partner who wants to reciprocate, WHY do you "take issue" with that? (Also ftm clits grow quite a bit with testosterone therapy, yeah. But even if there wasn't a size difference, what people call their bits during sex still doesn't affect you one bit).
95
Cock in a box!!!!I LOVE it!!!

Thanks, Dan!!
96
THANK YOU, to Mr. Angel, for sharing. Srsly.
97
I dunno, Auggie. I guess I'm relatively uneducated on ftm trans folk, the only ones I've ever met are mtf.

I did some research and found that clits do grow, sometimes substantially, with the addition of testosterone. So mini-dick is an apt term, and no harm/foul!
98
Aw Dan, you and Buck both are brilliantly insightful.

Names for girlie bits? I'm with the person above who suggested "yoni." I also use "hooha" and "Tallulah" and occasionally, the less popular "snatch," though it's not a terribly attractive word.
99
@85
Really now?
Because, maybe, one person is attracted to another person, regardless if their genitals are "factory standard"?
That this young man wants to get off this other young man, but isn't sure because the latter's dick is different?
100
SFTSLAFI should've been trying to get off his FTM lover anyway. If he's accepting head from the FTM, then what kind of asshole is he to not be trying to manipulate his fwb's mangina with his fingers, or, biting the bullet in the name of fairness with regards to intimacy, he should be going down on that curious pie.. Yeah, I know: to some getting head is like a handshake, no big deal. Being with anyone who you are getting off who doesn't really stop to consider that you'd like to get off in kind too.. Giving the FTM manual stimulation and then gauging their reaction.. This SFTSLAFI guy loves it all, doesn't he?
101
I always liked Scrubs' "Bojingo" for lady-parts. I use it regularly.
102
#2, Uh Rophuine, IF a man on here was dumb enough to offer advice to FORCE oral out of a women by saying 'if you don't suck my dick, right now, and make it good, I'll get it from our waitress', He'd get shredded oh so fast, ripped a new hole as it were. You know it, and I know it! Oh the humanity! Double what?