Savage Love

Boy Trouble

Comments

1
Maybe OPA has unrealistic expectations regarding porn and partners due to decades of learning about sex only from porn? Porn and real sex are so unrelated that it is quite understandable he would feel something was "wrong" with the sex he had if he expected something straight from porn.
2
khia, my goodness me!
3
Hey, BTL, 5'6" is really not that short.

Practice good posture (which makes everyone WAY more attractive). You can project that "hey, I'm secure and you'll be secure with me" thing with posture way more effectively than you can with height anyway.

If you really want a few inches, you can always put some lifts in your shoes.
4
BTL, buck up! If crazy Tom Cruise (5'6") can do it (Nicole Kidman -- at least 4 inches taller, and definitely longer arms), so can you.
5
BTL, my boyfriend is 5'5'' and women flirt with him all the time! Confidence is more important than size, so work on your confidence!
6
Great column, Dan! Enough with the puppy-hating though, eh?
7
I wonder if OPA is asexual? "Is that all there is" sounds like a common response of asexuals having sex.
8
@7 but there's no such thing as an asexual orientation, and you damn well know it.
9
BTL, I'm a butch bi girl, and you sound like someone I'd be very attracted to. I happen to be short too, but I'm sure there are some tall bi (or even straight) girls out there who like the idea of being the "protective" partner as much as I do.
10
My boyfriend and I are both around the same height though I'm practically twice his weight and can easily throw him over a shoulder. The gender reversal of bodytypes is a turnon for the both of us. So yes BTL, your type of woman really does exist. Now quit being such a scrotum and try hitting on some of them. Maybe scope one out at the gym by the weight training equipment?

As for barking up the wrong tree, Dan has taken a lot of flack for reminding us that butch women do sometimes switch teams. Maybe BTL will get luck with an ex-lesbian craving some dick.
11
Some women like short men (raises hand) but I already have one :)
12
For God's sake, OPA, do not, I repeat, DO NOT tell that woman that you were a virgin. Lie, lie, lie, tell her whatever she wants to hear, make up elaborate stories about fictional ex-girlfriends, but DO NOT let her know about your (ex) virginity.

Take it from me: It will instantly kill the relationship dead. The simple ugly truth is that American women find virgins over 20 or so "Creepy", and suspiction that you are gay or a pedophile will hang over you in her head every fucking second for the rest of the (short) relationship. It's nasty and it's not PC to say it, but honesty is definately not the best policy here. Women hate the feeling of getting stuck with something nobody else wanted.

13
OPA: What do you mean by "she took it personally?" Was she upset with herself/her technique? Or was she upset with you for failing to come? (for example, she thought it was proof you weren't aroused by her.) In any event, she is going to need some reassurance to reconnect with you. Being up-front about your status as a virgin will help persuade her it truly isn't about her.

The upside is that if you don't come, you go... and go and go and go. No premature ejaculation for you! That's the other classic pitfall for virgins, who may find the unfamiliar situation or sensation causes them to lose control. Not you! What's not to like about that?

Okay so neither of you is wowed by the sensations produced by the combination of your/her technique. Cut yourselves some slack. You're a virgin -- or were recently enough. You don't mention, but I get the feeling she isn't very experienced either. You aren't supposed to be good at this yet. The good news is that it's a lot easier to refine your technique when you can keep going than when you're a one-pump chump.
14
@12 - I imagine she will take it a lot worse to know that he felt HER performance was lackluster. When he could not, by definition, have any goddamn clue what he was doing. She finds out he's a virgin and was just shy to say? It's kinda cute. I can't think of a woman on this earth who wouldn't think that it was deeply flattering, or at least be tickled by it. And if you are going to be speaking for women in general, I think you'll find women prefer virgins to manwhores. He does need to know porn is not real though, sheesh. Can't men tell the women in porn are faking? Once he develops some skill at sex and is actually able to get her off, I think he'll find her supposedly underwhelming performance improves. I'm sure it was just a reaction to being off-put by his inexplicably poor performance - he explains it, she understands, and now can work on teaching him what he really needs to know to be good at sex.
15
My grandmother was 5'10 and my grandfather was 5'2. And she owned dozens of pairs of heels
16
@ BTL: I don't understand why men go to bars and clubs to meet women and then complain because they don't attract the kind of women they're looking for. Generally in a bar or club you will be graded based on your height, your apparent gym time, and the amount of money you visibly put into your appearance. You've only got one out of three, at most.

Try taking up a physical activity such as cycling, running, or rock climbing. Anything that will boost your fitness and that can be done as part of a group (tons of running and cycling clubs out there). You will meet women who are strong, active,and confident, in a context where you can demonstrate that you are physically fit and capable. They will get their physical impression of you from your ability, not your height. Of course, if you're not fit, you'd better get that way.
17
@ BTL: I don't understand why men go to bars and clubs to meet women and then complain because they don't attract the kind of women they're looking for. Generally in a bar or club you will be graded based on your height, your apparent gym time, and the amount of money you visibly put into your appearance. You've only got one out of three, at most.

Try taking up a physical activity such as cycling, running, or rock climbing. Anything that will boost your fitness and that can be done as part of a group (tons of running and cycling clubs out there). You will meet women who are strong, active,and confident, in a context where you can demonstrate that you are physically fit and capable. They will get their physical impression of you from your ability, not your height. Of course, if you're not fit, you'd better get that way.
18
@ 12 wait a minute.....my husband was a virgin until he was 28 because of a strong religious belief and he is certainly not "something nobody else wanted" , women hit on him all the time. Some people just bloom late, or change their goals as they mature, and there ain't nothing wrong with that. Sure, go ahead and lie if you just want a casual fling, but don't underestimate the importance of honesty in a long term relationship.
19
I think BTL should try looking somewhere else for girls - somewhere that they would be less likely to be in heels and more likely to be in flats.

If he can find a girl that is slightly shorter than him in flats, but can slap on some sexy heels and gain some inches on him, it might make an excellent compromise.

I'm sure there are plenty of women around the 5'5" mark who he can be physically attracted to that can also tower over him in the right shoes and the right situation.
20
For OPA, finding 'passion' and 'spark' as he words it, isn't about virginity. It's about the person he's with, and if he's clicking with her or not. And it sounds like he's not.
21
My best lover was the same height as me... and that's only 5'4"! So, short(er) guys can definitely be very hot/sexy. I am not butch or tall myself, and can't vouch for the preferences of those ladies, but shortness should not be seen as a hangup for men. I'm sure a lot of tall girls out there (used to the reverse type of discrimination, in which men won't date taller women) would love a shorter, confident guy.
22
Confidence adds a few perceived inches in height (and other places) - so does being in shape, and not having an annoying voice, and dressing appropriately for your body type. Get involved in an activity you enjoy and are good at - somewhere the women are going to see YOU as the authority figure, even if it's just intellectual and only in your specific field. Women go for intelligent guys too - "protective" can come in many packages.
23
@12 Speak for yourself! A friend of mine recently confessed he was a 28 year old virgin. At first he was waiting for the right girl, as he wanted his first time to be "meaningful" and then it just got to the point where he was embarrassed by it to the point of not seeking out romantic relationships. It took a lot of courage (and quite few adult beverages) for him to admit this to me and my girlfriends, but when he did, he was pleasantly surprised by our reaction -- which was for us to quickly start squabbling over who would get the privilege of deflowering him. To us, there was something very intriguing about being with somebody for their first time. This guy wasn't really my type under normal circumstances, but just knowing that he was a virgin made him appealing. With a virgin, you know that they're clean, and you know that you'll be giving them a special memory that they're never going to forget, and, best yet, you get to train them the right way, to teach them how to really please a woman (you in particular) without having to help them unlearn those bad habits straight men seem to pick up from porn and youthful sex with partners who are too inhibited to speak up when they don't like something.

Of course, he didn't choose me, but a few months later, my friend who did end up with him reports that he's now the best lover she's ever had and they have one of those nauseously adorable relationships that everybody loves to hate but really wants for themselves. And who knows if that would have ever happened had he not made that drunken confession about being one of those "creepy" virgins over 20.

@OTA I also just wanted to let you know that reportedly, their first time didn't go all that well and he didn't get off either (years of repetitive masturbation, I'm sure), even though they worked up to the "big moment" slowly over a period of weeks while they established a genuine emotional connection first. And he too had a similar "that's all there is?" reaction. But the first time is rarely ever that magic moment people seem to think it should be, whether you're 15 or 50. Keep working and communicate with your new girlfriend about your likes and dislikes, remembering that just because you're inexperienced doesn't mean that you don't have preferences, and it'll keep getting better over time, until she too is regaling her jealous friends with stories that'll blister their ears.
24
I find all the comments to BTL to "be more confident" as rather absurd.

Confidence is something that comes from success. If a man is tall and gets lots of women, he will likely exude confidence because he knows, from successful experience, he can get what he wants. If a man is short and doesn't get lots of women, how is he supposed to be confident? By pretending? Do women fall for fake confidence?

A short man is certainly handicapped, as Dan accurately explained, and will necessarily have to have more to offer than height. But I can't imagine faked confidence will really be a winner.
25
BTL, there are women out there for you. I'm a woman who likes guys I can be a little protective of. Although I *am* attractive to men with traditionally "tough" manly characteristics, I am also *equally* attracted to men with a bit of softer touch, who can be vulnerable and who want somebody to be protective of them. Of course, I don't look like a big tough gal. I'm a small slender girl, who's short by almost anybody's standards.

So, maybe you might want to keep an eye out, among the girls shorter than you, to see if there's one who catches your eye, exudes a bit of "tough" energy, and seems capable of making you feel secure and safe.
26
STD, are you and your roommate sure that he has herpes? Because if all you're basing it on is one sore, that's stupid. Ever bitten your cheek? That shit doesn't go away for weeks. And being embarrassed about herpes is silly, too; they're doctors, it's their job. He should get tested and you both should relax.
BTL, my mom is 5'10" and ridiculously strong, even though she's pretty skinny and not that muscular. My dad's 5'3". It happens.
27
BTL, tall girl/short guy couples are mega cute so good luck!
28
I'm a 5'8" woman and my longest long-term relationship was with a man who was 5'4". When I wore heels, I could rest my chin on top of his head. He was not only confident in himself, but he was interesting (see Dan's advice to teenage boys about how to "be interesting") to talk to. Most of all though, he was incredibly sexy.
We eventually broke up due to issues not related to his height, but I still consider him the sexiest man I've been with.
29
I'm honestly confused by "Not A Cream Pie Lover Yet." Why is there even a problem? I mean, "oral is standard and any model that arrives without it should be returned to the lot," right? So why does Dan refer to his girlfriend as "kinky"? Does the mere fact of switching the order (vaginal sex first, then oral) turn oral from standard into kink?

I'm not being snarky, I'm actually confused.
30
Unless there is some definition of 'cream pie' I am missing - since when is going down on someone considered kinky and boundary pushing, even if it is post-penetration/ejaculation?
I also suspect that 'she does get off AGAIN' is incorrect - and the fact is - she's only getting off for the first time - hence the desire for him to do it all the time.
31
My grandfather was 5'2 and my grandmother was 6 feet. He always used to say "It takes a big man to love a tall woman." Which is true. You need to project outsize confidence. Very tall women get burned out on easily intimidated men -- you need to show that you're not easily intimidated.

Also, yeah, to pick up athletic chicks, pick up an athletic activity. Rock climbing is a good recommendation, as your short stature is an advantage.
32
Thanks for asking that, @29 (my thoughts exactly!), and @30, I think you hit the nail on the head. No further comment needed!
33
@BTL - I agree with everyone else. My fiance is 5'6" and I'm 5'10". I always wanted big tall guys, but they were only interested in midget girls. When I met my fiance he was just too great to pass up just because of a height difference. He does hold himself well, he is fit and cut, and he's a wonderful person. A woman who rejects you just because you don't fit a physical mold is shallow and not worth being with. As are you if you are only looking for a particular physical type.
34
As a 5'10" woman, I can attest that sheerly by the law of averages 50% or more of the men one is likely to date will be shorter than onesself (last I looked, the average height for a male in the U.S.A. was 5'9", down from 5'10" two decades ago before the rapid increase in Hispanic immigration). To insist on "someone taller" masochistically eliminates 50% of the available dating pool!

Narrowing down further by close-cropped hair, "fullback shoulders," and strong angular facial features (I have several times over the years, usually in dim light, been mistaken for a cross-dresser), the dating pool narrows still further.

BTL, women like me are frequently DESPERATE for men like you: men who will not condemn us as unfeminine, or (worse) who just ass/u/me we're lesbian and never make that pass! Advice: Try the Personals, like I did (and have been happily married for ten years because of it). State your preferences clearly. This method allows you to quickly winnow out the unsuitables so you don't waste the next decade or three pickling yourself in alcohol and self-pity at singles bars.

GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!
35
Sorry dan, but you're just objectively wrong about Branden Hayward. I checked the internet. It said so.
36
Good advice to OPA. I started dating again after a 12-year dry spell. Could not ejaculate. The earth was moving, but it was a series of micro-tremors. I'm old enough to not be bothered, just as it doesn't bother me that my lady only gets off with a vibrator. The Big One hit last weekend, after four months of tapering off. On our honeymoon. Maybe I was just saving myself for marriage.
37
i've always been interested in guys who're smaller than myself but i never thought a guy would like a "bigger" girl (5'5"/150lb). it turns out my 5'5"/125lb boyfriend likes to date "up" so i'm just lucky i guess.
also i'm kinda butch and he's kinda fem, we joke he's my girlfriend, i'm his boyfriend. he's very masculine in some ways - lifts weights, into martial arts- but he's not paranoid about it. so far as "wanting to feel secure," that does it for me. but i still like being the big spoon sometimes, makes me happy.
38
I have issues with short men. I'm sure there are short men out there who are great guys. I've just never met any of them. Every short man I've ever met has been an insecure controlling jerk.

I have no advice. I was just wondering if other people have had the same experience that I've had.
39
@34 Did you have to stick this part into your comment?

"...down from 5'10" two decades ago before the rapid increase in Hispanic immigration."

This column has nothing to do with race. Why did you feel that it was necessary to stick that in there? People would have accepted the fact that the average height of men has gone down without demanding a reason why.
40
There has been a couple of burglars in the news who got caught in the act in a small Wa. town just this week. They were filming a self made porn and left their camera behind. I knew it was the right time of year, was it possible they were trying to get an entry together for HUMP? This seems like a possibility to me or were they just "thrill" seekers?
41
Ok - virgin-guy - calm down! Keep at it. You'll be fine. You're just more articulate than the rest of us were when we lost our virginities, but everyone has doubts and confusion initially. Give this girl a chance, too. It'll all get sorted out.

And short-guy - for sure - confidence. I prefer tall men, too - but I didn't marry one. I'd go for a guy who's 5'6" and relaxed and confident around me anyday over a guy who just happens to be tall.
42
@BTL, there are taller women who like shorter guys. I'm 5'8", usually wear heels and find shorter guys sooooo cute and sexy. So, keep looking. She si out there.
43
@24: "Confidence is something that comes from success. If a man is tall and gets lots of women, he will likely exude confidence because he knows, from successful experience, he can get what he wants."

No, that's where cockiness comes from (either that or massive insecurity where the guy needs constant positive feedback from women in order to feel attractive). True confidence comes from a guy knowing he has value whether women want him or not. If a guy approaches me acting like he just expects me to be into him (because, hey, all the other women are), it's an instant turnoff (maybe not for every woman, but definitely for me). A guy who approaches me and makes actual conversation without it seeming like his entire ego is hanging on my reaction - now that's awesome.

So, yeah, note to guys: when women talk about "confidence", we don't mean loud PUA alpha-male dominant bullshit. We mean: get it into your head that you're a good guy with a lot to offer. Then get it into your head that people's taste in partners is fickle and rejection likely has nothing to do with you as a person. Then, develop good conversational skills and start talking to women instead of just hitting on them. This attitude is like CATNIP (and I should know...I too have cultivated this sort of confidence in recent years).

Besides which, it sounds like our short guy is a little bit subby, so if he wants to attract a slightly dominant tall woman it behooves him not to do the loud/commanding/obnoxious thing that so many people think of as "confidence". Just quietly knowing who he is and what he wants and knowing he has value will work wonders.

Topic change: wow, Virgin Guy sounds like a jackass. He admits he's desensitized his dick through deathgrip masturbation but then complains that a blowjob didn't feel as good as he expected? WELL DUH. Also, he obviously didn't give the girl any instructions or feedback, otherwise his complaint wouldn't have been "she wasn't very good," it would have been "I kept telling her to focus on the underside of the head but she ignored me."

So basically, he just lay there and let this poor girl fumble through the act blindly and now he's whining that she didn't magically guess what he wanted her to do. JACKASS.

44
@24: Confidence, in this case for this guy, means not being mopey about your height. That's all it is.

Confidence in general: Focusing on what makes you feel good, what IS sexy about you (everyone has something). This isn't fake confidence; it's just taking the time to base your attitude on something you do have.

Yeah, success helps confidence. But that's because it validates what a person should already know. It gives them assurance that they're right.

Most people don't have confidence not because they aren't successful but because they can't recognize they've got other shit to offer.
45
Oh yeah. Guess who's also a short guy? Jon Stewart (somewhere between 5'6" and 5'7"). And I'd fuck him in a heartbeat any day, anywhere.
46
"I have issues with short men. I'm sure there are short men out there who are great guys. I've just never met any of them. Every short man I've ever met has been an insecure controlling jerk.

"I have no advice. I was just wondering if other people have had the same experience that I've had."

If you listen to NPR, maybe you caught the This American Life of the short woman who underwent a sex-change, and her cool-quotient went from best of show to the bottom of the pile. She spent her time commenting on how no one warned her how on the streets it became fair game for men to just barrel into her.

Is this the kind of environment you want to continue to encourage with opinions like how you've posted them?
47
29 & 30: the reason this is considered "boundary pushing" is because straight guys think any contact with jizz -even their own, even coming out of a freshly fucked pussy- will make them gay. Pretty silly yes, but we're talking about straight boys here.

To NACPLY: she's not crazy, she's a horny little minx; & you would be crazy not to enjoy a hot wet messy sloppy creampie pussy every chance you get!
48
OPA has also likely built it up beyond all reasonable expectations and has decided it's her fault things didn't measure up. Most couples, experienced or not, don't have great sex the first time together. And def not if they are virgins. And I doubt it was great for her either. Drop the unrealistic expectations and concentrate on learning what you don't know, which should be just about everything.
49
BTL, I am 5'11", broad shoulders, pretty, athletic, prefer guys who are shorter than me, and am definitely the 'caretaker' in my relationship with my 5'8" boyfriend. He is actually several inches taller than my last boyfriend, who was a good 6" shorter than me. So just more proof that tall, strong women who like to take care of their shorter, smaller boyfriends do exist.

That being said, however, I'm a little worried about all the advice about "being confident". Sure, nobody wants to date an insecure, needy person, but you should also be really careful to avoid "short man syndrome" where short guys become aggressive, muscle-bound, controlling assholes in an effort to compensate for the perceived inadequacy of being short. So by all means, feel good about yourself and the things that you're good at, but don't go overboard in the "project confidence" direction.

Good luck at finding the tall protectress you're looking for!
50
And OPA, even if she doesn't know you were a virgin, you can be sure she knows something is pretty damn off. Your lack of experience would be obvious, and without an explanation, at 30? She needs to know so she can go about teaching you without having to dance around your already irrational ego.
51
STD: Herpes is not as easily passed as you seem to think. Once the virus lands on a surface that's not the right level of moisture and warmth (i.e., once it leaves the person's skin), it dies pretty quickly. So your bathroom is not a nest of herpes just waiting to latch onto you. You're VERY unlikely to catch it from your roommate unless you make out with him. I guess if you take a swig of his beer immediately after he drinks from the bottle while he has a sore, that might do the job too. Your doctor HAD to tell you they "can't rule it out" because there's a tiny, tiny, tiny chance it could happen, and because (like the majority of the population) you might have been walking around with this virus for years but not seeing symptoms, or you might still catch it from somebody other than your roommate, or you might eventually get a mouth sore NOT caused by herpes, and they don't want you to yell at them and call them liars and threaten legal action if a sore does pop up.

BTL: I'm a tall woman who hasn't dated a taller guy since high school. I really don't give a shit about height, but I usually end up dating/fucking shorter guys because the tall ones don't want me, they want tiny women who make THEM feel secure in their manliness. There's nothing so confidence boosting as a man (of any size) who finds my height attractive. Keep hitting on the Amazons. A lot of them are sick of being dismissed by men because of their size. A lot of them will find it hot that you don't treat them that way.
52
OPA: The fact that you don't care for your girlfriend's kissing style is a bigger red flag than the fact you didn't climax the first time you did the deed. You should've waited to jump into bed with her! This relationship's probably going nowhere, unless you two can be honest about your needs and expectations, and BOTH of you can be flexible with each other while you talk things out.

When I met my husband, he had never masturbated. He'd slept with one other woman, but he had no idea how to get himself off. He WAS, however, an excellent kisser. I saw that as a sign that he had potential in the bedroom. We read books together about how to give each other pleasure, experimented a lot together, and talked a lot (while we were fully clothed) about our needs and desires in the bedroom. I also encouraged him to do whatever it took to learn how to pleasure himself. It took a while, but the payoff has been huge.

Congratulations on waiting to lose your virginity, assuming that's what you wanted to do--but now you have some catching up to do! The most important sexual organ is between your ears, not between your legs.
53
To OPA: I was in a similar situation 3 years ago losing my virginity in my mid twenties (awkward sex, no orgasm, frustration and insecurity afterwards). And for weeks afterwards, sex was still more frustrating than fun, with both of us feeling lots of pressure to perform which was a serious turn off. What turned things around for us was being GGG, taking turns deciding the combination location, position, and/or fantasy. The novelty of trying new things and the exploration has made the sex great and we both feel relieved that we can bring up our fantasies without fear of automatic rejection.
The bottom line is this: The challenges you are facing are normal for people, regardless of what age they lose their virginity. Spend time with your gf learning what gets each of you off, and things can turn around.
54
BTL, don't waste your time trying to convince women who think you're too short that you're worthy of their time. Instead, look for women who are secure enough to think they don't need a he-man to protect them. We're out here, though we aren't exactly shouting it from the rafters, since that sort of attitude scares a lot of guys off.

Also, if you have any sort of inferiority complex about your height, get that taken care of before you seek the woman of your dreams. Women can sniff out a "woe is me" attitude a mile away, and it's extremely unattractive.

Good luck to you! It sounds like you'll find what you want, if you look long enough. (Tried online dating? It might be a good way to weed out the "I only want a man who's five inches taller than me" crowd.)
55
#29, I think "Not A Cream Pie Lover Yet" wanted to know if what he's doing is "normal" sexual behavior or not. Whatever that means... If he's not comfortable with it, he needs to be talking with his girlfriend, not asking Dan Savage if his girlfriend is weird.
56
OPA, if you care about your "new girlfriend" and want to build a relationship with her, try communicating and learning what she likes. If you can drive her wild, then you'll experience more passion in return. But from your letter, it sounds like you're not crazy about her. Don't stay with her just because she'll do you. Go find someone who you *want* to screw.
57
Herpes Dog: the guy says the roomie with the sore had an STD and was embarrassed to seek medical attention, and that he is worried about contracting it sharing a bathroom, not a kitchen--that means it was on his DICK. Maybe? The dog only licked his MOUTH. I hope.

@26: a bitten cheek? really? don't people with sores from biting remember the excruciating moment when it began? HSV sores usually form on the lips (it is herpes labialis after all) and not the cheek.

Everyone, some basics: herpes simplex virus 1 is usually oral, is very common in older adults (~80%) but less common in the young (~40%). HSV2 is usually genital, and about 20% of college aged people have it. Only 10% know it. Both classically cause clustered vesicles on a reddish base that later ulcerate. Initial infection can cause swollen glands and fever and is usually worse than subsequent ones. HSV1 recurs less than 2. You can get either one on your mouth or on your junk. Since fewer kids have HSV1 they're now at risk for getting it on their junk from oral sex and HSV1 is now the most common cause of genital ulcers in some locations in the USA, not HSV2. In the end, chill out--it's common, and you're going to kiss or lay someone who's had it unless you lead a very sheltered life. Since people shed virus when they have no symptoms, you may get herpes, even genital herpes, from someone with no sore, even no history of sores, even a virgin who just got HSV1 from her mom as an infant. That's just life.

http://www.cdc.gov/nchhstp/newsroom/hsv2…
59
I think a lot of the responses to BLT (excepting @34) are reading too much into the height thing and missing the primary issue. As someone who is into butch(ish) women, in my experience that's a pretty large barrier all by itself. Straight(ish) women tend to buy-into normative gender roles, because that's what's going to give them the greatest odds of both dating and professional success, whereas lesbians, having already rejected a primary facet of normative female/woman gender, as statistically less-likely to buy-into it (I'm not saying that all or even most lesbians are butch, or that all or even most butch women are gay; I'm saying the percentage of butch women who are gay is higher than the percentage of women who are gay in the general population, and that a small percentage of women in the general population are butch; this makes straight-and-butch women especially rare).

Of course, you DO want to make yourself as hot as possible, given the small dating pool you're self-selecting.

Also butch and/or tall women don't necessarily want to be "the protector", so if that's your primary concern, you may want to widen your search; there may be some mostly-femme shorter women out there whose one butch trait is that they DO want to be the protector. Hell, that's a major aspect of normative motherhood, which is the single most-acceptable (most-celebrated, most-enforced) role for women. You should look into dating Tea Party women; Palin's been on her "momma bear" kick ever since FOX declared her the new leader of Feminism... *shudder*

@52: How is knowing/not knowing how to kiss someone in a way that they like a better indicator of sexual potential than knowing/not knowing how to fuck them in a way that they like? All of these are learned behaviors. If someone's a lousy lay, in one's opinion, it's entirely possible to teach him/her to do what works for one. The only important factor here is a willingness to learn how to do and then actually do the things that get one off. Granted there's a certain aspect of creativity, engagement, and empathy that can't be taught, but those tie into that whole willingness-to-please thing that is the factor of primary importance.

And don't worry about hurting someone's feelings: if your partner if actively interested in being a good lover for you, s/he's going to WANT to know if sex isn't working for you and how to make it better; if not, then s/he's probably not someone you want to be fucking anyway. If s/he is so insecure that s/he is going to freak out at any criticism, s/he's really not healthy enough to be dating anyway. That's a self-esteem issue s/he needs to deal with irrespective of what's going on in his/her relationship.
60
Younger folks often forget that there are MUCH better places to meet people than bars or clubs. Follow a hobby or passion (hiking, bicycling, Chinese cooking, poetry or whatever lifts your luggage) and then try chatting up some of the ladies you fancy. You'll automatically have something in common to start talking about.
61
@52 Kissing style a red flag?
Look, you can work on anything if it bugs you, kissing style included. I'm fairly certain that it is NOT a deal breaker, as I am marrying a man whose kissing style I was not thrilled with. But we've managed to reach a happy place since.
My advice to the virgin is, relax, stop masturbating for a week or two, and try again.
Also, I assume you were wearing a condom, which is probably quite a shock after having bare-skin death-grip fun time for so long.
Also, experiment with different things. There's a book out there somewhere about tips for straight women from gay men. Taught me all I know about BJs and might help in your case as well. But you should also buy an equivalent book on pleasing a woman, or at least see what she likes, cuz you don't want to be that douche that just thinks that sticking his cack in a woman gets her off.
62
BTL, I'm a girl like the type you're looking for, and I adore guys like you. Of course, these guys don't hit on me because they think I'm a lesbian. So don't count out some girls just because of how they look!
63
Jeesh,
kissing technique, oral sex, even PIV sex - all this gets better with PRACTICE! I highly doubt most women are fantastic at blow jobs right off.

Most of the virgin, teen-aged guys I fucked didn't come the first time. But they did the second time. It happened often enough that I thought this was normal.
64
@38, It's so odd to me that you have experienced short guys as being insecure controlling jerks. The short guys I know have been sweet and sexy. I married one. Actually, I'm naturally attracted to tall guys, but they can be so obnoxious because they're used to getting just what they want all the time. Spare me from tall, handsome guys! I'm sure some of them are sweet, but too many of the ones I've met have been overconfident, inconsiderate jerks.
65
BTL, I'm six feet tall and my husband is 5'7". Look for women who have been around the block dating-wise. They are the ones most likely to be over the I-want-someone-taller-than-me kick.

My hubby floored me with his beautiful smile, gentle demeanor and calm, quiet confidence. I went from dating linebacker types to marrying a man significantly smaller than me and being blissed out. We both love going out with me in high heels, just to laugh at people trying to hide their shock. She's out there. Good luck!
66
I'm 5'10" and don't mind being with guys shorter than me. I'm sure some, although not all, tall women feel the same way. Some short(ish) guys are much hotter than some tall guys, period. And if I were to rule out any guy who doesn't match my height when I'm wearing heels, I would be ruling out more than half of all available men, which I'm not interested in doing. (Although the point is moot, because I already have a boyfriend, an inch or two shorter than me.) When I was single, the biggest height-related problem I had was that a lot of guys seemed to want only smaller, shorter women. They were either intimidated by a taller gal, or assumed I wouldn't be interested (and made insecure comments about "I feel so short standing next to you!").

There will be tall women out there who will be delighted to find that you're interested in them. Especially if you project confidence & have good posture. And don't make a bunch of comments about "how tall are you?!", this makes people feel self-conscious.

The reasons other commenters have given for not meeting women in bars strike me as ridiculous. Yes, women in bars will be wearing heels and will be judging you largely on looks -- but isn't the point to find a woman who DOESN'T CARE about your height?!
67
I'm crazy about short guys. Nothin' cuter!

You people who make babies, please make more shorties! Even the Earth will thank you.
68
#59, I read a study a while back that concluded if a couple's first kiss isn't a memorable moment, they're less likely to go on to become a successfull, long-term couple.

Apart from that, if the recently-deflowered guy can't even encourage his girlfriend to kiss him the way he likes to be kissed, how likely is it that he'll be able to (gasp) talk with her about what each of them desires when the clothes come off? I taught a few guys how to kiss better before I met my husband, and it was fun! I'll never forget the guy who taught me how to French kiss properly, either.
69
(Er, "successful." Mercy.)
70
BTL sounds like a whiny, overly picky asshole, which is probably why he isn't getting girls. Probably has nothing to do with his height.
71
Sexyist Man Alive = Eddie Vedder 5'7"
72
@47: I can't speak for anyone else but for me, the thought of going down on a woman post-ejaculation is mildly revolting. It's got nothing to do with being afraid that "any contact with jizz...will make [me] gay", or whatever. I just don't particularly like the taste of my own semen. (I assume I'd have the same response to someone else's semen, but I'm not planning to find out!)

For some reason, mixing it with vaginal secretions makes it worse, i.e. ripe. Maybe if I were Napoleon (who famously wrote Josephine "Don't wash, I'm coming!" when he was still a month from home) it'd be different, but I'm not.

That said, I'd probably do it if a girl really wanted me to. But generally I'm turned off by cumshots, cum play, and the whole creampie thing. Heck, if I could learn to orgasm without ejaculating, I'd be thrilled; one of my least favorite parts about masturbation is cleanup!

(Strange thing is, I'm totally fine with giving oral during a girl's period.)
73
I'd be willing to bet that the reason "Not a Cream Pie Lover" has to give his GF post-coital head is because he doesn't take the time to get her off beforehand.
74
Hey, Dan, long-time reader first time SL writer.
Scared To Death's concern about contracting herpes from his roomie is a valid one. Following a shower taken many years ago a careless roomie of mine used my towel, transferring her vaginally-placed virus to my then-damp towel and subsequently to my dick when I unknowingly used that same towel she'd used hours earlier. Her virality was later confirmed by her girlfriend with all other possible forms of transmission ruled out going back a few months, well beyond herpes' dormancy period. Uncommon, sure, but entirely within reason according to all I read and to one doctor I knew. From that day I became the only person I've spoken with about it to have contracted herpes w/o any fun associated with the getting of it.
75
lovely column, only i think you mean lazarus, the non zombie one outside the rich man's house, when you refer to dogs licking open sores
76
Celebrity crush suggestion for Dan: Alexander Skarsgard ("Eric Northman" in "True Blood" on HBO). A beautiful, beautiful hunk of man who does not wear a sock during nude scenes (cause he's Swedish and loves to be naked). Thank you, Jeebus for Alex.
77
I just need to espouse my love of Dan Savage for reposting my video attacking the Westboro Baptist Church on his blog. I suspect that generous act is how the video ended up on the front page of the Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, Dallasvoice, barstoolsports, democraticunderground, and for some reason nationalgun.

Dan Savage is responsible for more orgasms than wine coolers and low self esteem combined.
78
I have tried dating guys shorter than me over and over and over, and every single one starts giving me sour looks when I put on my high heels and say things like, "Why do you WANT to wear those?" and "Any girl who truly cared about me wouldn't try to be taller than me."

Seriously, I will choose my shoes over you every time. Because if you're too insecure to date a girl taller than you, you are way too insecure to deal with my aggression and I'm better than watering myself down for a sackless wonder.
79
"who does he think he is? Job?" OMG I'm LOLing!
80
I need my guys to be taller than me, which is never an issue because I'm a short woman and even 5' 6" is taller than I am, but I can't stand them being TOO tall. I love to look at tall guys, but can't date them because it's too intimidating. All my guys have been shorter than average.
81
Dan, if I recall correctly, it was Lazarus with the dogs-licking-open-sores thing, not Job.

[/years of Catholic guilt manifesting in lots of Bible trivia]
82
Anecdotal evidence of short man/tall woman working. I'm 5'3" and overweight (though beefy). She's 5'11" and a long distance runner, 10 years my junior. We've been together more than five years, and the height differential never entered into the equation.
83
@78, my husband is kinda that way. He isn't an asshole about it or anything, but when we started dating, he was kinda jokey-but-not-really about not wanting me to wear heels and make him look shorter. He's not *that* short - 5'9"ish and I'm 5'8". He had only dated short girls before.

Hindsight, I would never have gotten that started. I tried not to wear my heels around him (and we worked in the same area), and was self-conscious when I did, instead of feelin' the shoe power, and then pregnancy and yadda yadda...I haven't worn my best shoes in a long time. Yeah, I definitely should have gone with "hey, but you get to walk around with me looking awesome" and let him get used to it. Maybe it's not too late.
84
The tsunami of dog defenders is bound to be more entertaining than the column, which is a shame because the advice was top notch this week. Seattle is one dog-loving city, and I mean that in the worst possible way.
85
OPA, it's no wonder your gal didn't seem to "shine" in her bedroom performance with you.. Nothing brings a girl from red hot to lukewarm like an unenthusiastic response from her partner. I agree that sometimes it takes practice to get into a groove with someone sexually, but it seems like you need to adopt some reckless abandon with a quickness and roll out the red carpet for her to do the same. I guarantee it'll prove more fun than your death-grip masturbation.
86
BTL should remember that although most women *prefer* tall men, that doesn't necessarily mean that being short, or even shorter than her, is a deal-breaker. It just depends on what else you bring to the table.
88
@75 -- Nope, Job is Old Testament. And boy howdy, does that story involve open sores.
89
OPA should calm the fuck down. it took me quite a lot of practice to learn and start to enjoy sex with my 1st gf.

what is a red flag from HER side is that "she took it personally". the bitch couldnt give a virgin guy a fucking break for his 1st time?
90
@47 Thanks for explaining. Yes, it does strike me as silly. Let's hope Dan's reply will reassure NACPLY.

@75 Nope, Dan got it right. Job. Jesus healed Lazarus from a slight case of death, but Job was left to suffer (after his entire family was killed and he lost everything he had) so God could win a bet with Satan.

(Job later got new stuff and a new family, but that doesn't really help the one that way killed...)
91
Once again, thoroughly boring letters, though the one that gingerly approaches bestiality held some promise.

And I never had a prob w/short dudes until Tom Cruise opened his stupid ignorant mouth.
92
I strongly recommend taking up co-ed kayaking, canoeing and/or rowing. You're sitting down,so any height differential can be minimized, can talk to someone and get to know her, and get the girls who like to hang with guys (as opposed to all-female groupings) and are into their own upper-body strength. Give it a whirl!
93
@78, Lady, I'm with you (and others) on the high-heels. We'd been married a year or so when my wife (5'8) asked if I (5'7) minded if she wore heels. Of course, I told her to wear what makes her feel good. No further problem.
Coming from a long line of short people, I grew up near an uncle whose wife always wore heels, which made her taller. She always looked great and he loved it.
Recently, our daughter (22, 5'7) dressed to go partying with her bf (5'5), looking very hot in a short dress and heels. But when asked, bf's choice was that she try not to "tower" over him. Hmmm, could be trouble. She didn't really like dressing "down."
94
I have a good friend who's about 5'5" and - this is the important part - both considerate and fearlessly self-confident when talking to women (and knows how to be just inside the Napoleon-complex-cockiness that women hate). It's stunningly successful on women both short and tall. Women may want tall men at first glance, but they also want an alpha male with a soft side. Work on this and the world (or 51% of it) will fall at your feet.
95
Dude, you've got to re-brand yourself as "compact".
96
Speaking for cream-pies, 2 good things: she gets off and sleeps in a smaller wet spot. Buddy, it's your mess; why should she have to deal with it EVERY time? I think your relationship would work best if she makes it clear, or you volunteer, that you do clean-up every time unless she says not.
97
BTL: as a woman over 6 feet tall, I can tell you that most women do like men who make us feel secure, but rarely has a man's height made me feel secure. His emotional maturity, his social grace, his attention and respect, and his own personal success (financial and professional stability, etc) are all much more important. It may take you a bit longer to get their attention, but once you have it, your height is no longer part of the equation. Good luck!
98
@78 I know exactly what you mean. My high school years were full of guys who showed some interest until they discreetly (well, they tried to be discreet) sidled up next to me to see if they were at lesat AS tall as me, and then I would never hear fromth em again.

At 5'11" I've consistently dated guys within an inch of my, hieght, but all onthe shorter side of the range.

SO many of my female friedns couldn't belive it when I went with heels at my wedding, but I've long since stopped caring, and my husband is equally unbothered.
99
There seems to be a big problem with reading comprehension re BTL's situation. He's not a short guy who wants to convince tall women that he can protect them, he's a short guy who wants a tall woman to protect HIM. So all this advice about getting fit & projecting confidence is not really to the point. It's interesting that people get so mired in cultural stereotypes (man protector, woman insecure) that they can't even see something else when it's right there in front of them.
100
I bet that 15 years ago no man who had just had sex for the first time would ever question his partner's technique, appearance or anything else. OPA, you need to worry about your own shortcomings because as a 30 year old virgin, I'm sure they are many. (Sorry if too mean, but you need a reality check)
101
BTL, yet another straight butch woman. I'm only twenty, so I'm not too concerned, but I've never been in a serious relationship. I'm too butch, too tall (5'11"), or both. While I like taller guys, I don't exclude short guys either.

Read #34, especially the last paragraph. Butch straight women have basically been told that we're not feminine and pretty much undesirable. Or that we're lesbian. Lesbian? I've got some wonderful lesbian friends, but I'm not one.

My life would be easier if I were a lesbian, sometimes. I've been asked out three times by lesbians. Zilch for guys. I'd welcome a guy who not only approaches me, but is actually still interested after realizing I'm taller.
102
OPA sounds like, as he fears, an asshole. He's only worried about what she can do for him. (Are his oral skills spectacular?) Good sex is a *mutual* experience.