Columns Nov 25, 2010 at 4:00 am



Hey Dan - I always enjoy your column. Have a great Thanksgiving. Gratitude is the best attitude!
Straight to the truth with the Vicodin on-board. Fun!
Hey! These are all new letters--nothing from the Letter of the Day. I'm thankful for that.
The Vicodin thing happened to me once during a horrible toothache. After four of those babies I came running up to my husband and declared that I was TOTALLY IN THE DISHWASHER HOLY SHIT THIS IS AWESOME. So... good luck with that.
For gym girl... third possibility is that fine guy has a significant other (hence the hesitation) but still thinks you are a hottie and is enjoying the eye-contact-exchange flirting you two have going on. Not that it changes Dan's advice any...
I'm surprised Dan didn't react more to "I'm gay, but I'm just a normal guy". I was hoping he'd rip into this asshole. I'm a straight female, and I'm super offended. He's basically stating that "gay" is usually "abnormal".

On top of that, he's a musical theater major. If you ask a group of people to tell you 5 stereotypical things about "gay men," that's going to come up in like 50% of responses. If you ask what major they have, you're going to get like 90%. If he wants to distance himself from the gay stereotype, that's not the thing to point out.

I know men who aren't theater majors, can fix cars, don't dance, don't say fabulous, are on sports teams, have no fashion sense, etc that like cock in their asses. You wouldn't know their sexual preference if they didn't tell you.

I know men who love club dancing, say "fabulous", love musical theater, enjoy wearing woman's clothing, etc who are quite straight.

The stereotypes are often pretty valid, but not always.
Thanks for printing so many letters, Dan. I haven't had the chance to get SLAPped yet, so it's nice to have so many to read.
For gym girl: maybe fine guy has a girlfriend and is just enjoying some shameless, subtle-ish flirting... not that it changes Dan's advice any.
Hahaha "Don't go like that"! Classic, Dan. I don't think I've ever seen that in print for as long as I've known it. Well played, sir.
Dear SA: you're not getting any while screaming "no fems" at the top of your lungs. Just get over yourself and start paying attention. There are plenty of non-stereotypical gay men out there, they're just staying away from you because of your obvious internalized homophobia.
Dead on stuff, lots of it and none recycled, the drug apparently makes the writing loose and succinct at the same time.
I think that the mockery for Straight Actor was perfect, though very very dry (Homer moment: "Mmmm: martinis, whagueaghuetc).
Dunno, Dan. I don't want to advocate weekly vicodins, but the advice was spot on and the writing was really funny.
I work in a gym, and I see how many coupled people love to flirt with hotties when they're working out (and I'm one of them!) ... ;)
Now, for truuuuuly faaaaaaaaaabulous writing, we should also be taking the vicodins.
I hope you brought enough for everybody...
Oh, and Dan, to be fair, as to non-on-hitting, it's been more like forty years. Just sayin.
No vicodin, never ever ever, they make me throw up. I hope you have a better reaction.

Happy Thanksgiving Dan, Terry, D.J., Stinker, SLOGgers and SLOGgees!
To STGFU: My situation is different, but I hear ya, sister. I've been thinking about Dan's advice to you for a while, but it's hard to throw away an otherwise perfectly good relationship but for the lack of decent, GGG, mutually satisfying sex. Good luck to both of us!
Snarky: I think Dan's saying that a relationship without the decent GGG good sex isn't "perfectly good". But maybe that's just the Vicodin talking.

mmmmmm.... Vicodin. Love me some Vicodin.

Men appreciate it when you ask them out. It makes them feel good about themselves, and they like your moxie.

Also, men will not be upset or offended if you state, in no uncertain terms, that if they lose fifty pounds you will fuck the living shit out of them every god-damned day. Believe me, you'll see results fast.
What @23 said.

Sadly I would wager good money that gym girl will never approach or talk to gym guy, because if she was going to do that, she probably woulda done so by now, ya know? I mean, do you really need to write in to a nationally syndicated sex columnist for that kind of gee whiz advice?

They'll continue playing eyesies forever, until he says something or one of them graduates.
For FAR, I struggled for about nine years with anorexia and bulimia, and there are still times when it's a struggle to eat enough and stay at a healthy size. My boyfriend has been, and continues to be, very supportive when I go through the (relatively rare) hard times that still crop up. And when he first started putting on a bit of a gut, I felt the same way you do - hypocritical for even *wanting* to ask him to lose weight.

Fortunately, he's a very rational guy and (after some failed attempts) lost probably 20 lbs or so by cutting fast food out of his diet and doing some moderate exercise. He reassured me that my own issues don't affect the fact that he gained weight or that it wasn't healthy or attractive. He knew it was happening, he didn't like it either, and he didn't think I was a hypocrite at all.

And as a few others have pointed out, knowing that you'll be more attracted to them if they drop a few pounds (which = more sex!) is apparently a big motivator for a lot of guys! So if you tell them honestly that there's an attraction issue that they can fix, they'll *want* to fix it!
@9: Oh, but he did rip into that asshole. And I love the way he did it.
Is it bad that I'm a queer guy who can fix a car, doesn't like to dance in clubs, etc... and I *STILL* want to smack "Straight Actor" for his homophobia?
I'm queer, can fix a car, don't dance, etc.

Am I the only one who thinks SA's letter was somewhat homophobic?
"When we met, he weighed about 140 pounds, which wasn't bad on his five-feet-ten frame."

WTF, is she saying that she wished he were THINNER?? 140 lbs. is borderline underweight for a 5'10" guy. Sounds like FAR has some "issues" beyond her own eating disorder, and got off lightly from Dan this week.
ooooohhhhhhhhhhh,I love vicodin. I really love that super mellow out of body experience just before the mean what the fuck do you mean it's too soon for a refill, fucking Target pharmacy moment. *sigh* ..good times.

I also love gay men who claim not to be nonfaggy--what's the point if you're not going to say 'fabulous'? Holy shit, are you afraid to sleep on flowered sheets also?

Add in whiskey dick, a foot fetish, and a 68(he owes her one)...this is far better than a trifecta.

For the former anorexic girl, I was married for decades to someone so desperately thin that I worried about him all the time. I tried to get him to eat (and he did -- about two to three times what I ate), and yet he never gained a pound and seemed to get thinner and thinner as time went on. But for years I ate to make up for his not being able to hold weight on. At one point I weighed ninety pounds more than he did!! Now that we're apart, my weight is normalizing. You might ask your guy if he's eating to make up for your issues, as I was with my husband.
@29 I'm 5'9" and I weigh 120 pounds. Some people are just used to skinniness.
"Okay, PSGWAC, a lot of guys—fine and otherwise—have been led to believe that hitting on girls who aren't in bars or on personals websites is tantamount to sexual harassment. Because, you see, for the last 20 years, fine and otherwise guys have been told that it's not nice to hit on girls at work, on the bus, at the gym, or in class."

Wow Dan, that vicodin started hitting you early, huh! So early you already forgot the difference between "asking someone out" and "sexual harassment"!

Don't you hate girls who are so full of themselves that they won't talk to guys they like?
@33: What? Dan is attacking people who forgot the difference and caused this problem in the first place.
This was one of the best columns EVER. That Vicodin did you good Dan.

And this: "But there may be a few homos out there masculine enough to meet with your approval. Look around the tech department of your theater program, SA, and if you see someone in paint-spattered jeans, carrying a power tool, with a pack of smokes tucked in a back pocket, ask that butch dyke out. She's your only hope."

I CRIED laughing so hard. The very best!
@33: screw you, you're the reason guys are terrified of asking women out. The chance that they turn out to be some feminazi harpy like you is worse than getting hit by a car.
Is there a Godwin's Corollary for the use of "feminazi" in a thread by a threatened straight man (or anyone else)?

33 missed the point, I feel, but Yawgmoth must be missing the caves and the mastodons, that is if his intellect can stretch to those advanced concepts.

In other words, forced to choose between him and his so-lovely alternative, where's the freeway again, so I can start playing chicken?
The advice Dan gives Shy Girl is the opposite of the "He's Just Not that Into You" philosophy, which dictates that a women should *never*, under any circumstances, make the first move with a guy. And I think Dan's right. I think sometimes guys can be shy or intimidated, or in this case, nervous about looking like a sketchy gym creep.

Making the first move with a guy is worth a try. If he turns out to be a douche, move on. But he might to out to be great.
Am I really the only one who thinks a 140 pounds on a 5'10" guy sounds really unhealthy?
Ok, this was fucking hilarious - especially the response to SA.

@33 How in the world did you manage to copy, paste, and put quotes around that sentence without actually understanding it?!

As far as hitting someone in a non-intimate public setting like that, I totally agree with Dan's assertion. I can imagine that a guy hitting on me in that setting would, unfortunately, come off a bit awkward. Honestly, though, as a shy 23-year-old woman myself, I'm not sure I could follow Dan's advice and just approach the guy. In order to make herself more approachable, though, I might suggest doing some things other than exercising on her next visit to the gym. Like, take a break and walk over to the water fountain or the lockers. Or, after you're done, go over to the snack area and get a water bottle or smoothie if that's available. And then maybe linger a bit before you head into the locker room; maybe sit on a bench texting/drinking (without headphones on) for a few minutes and see if he takes the bait. It just seems to me that it would feel very awkward for either person to approach someone who was already busy working out.
I am extremely upset by SA letter....
What is the definition of a normal gay man...
What is the meaning of faggy, aren't we all?
Why this racism/homophobia , it reminds me of the handles in the early internet days :" only straight acting guys, no fems..."
Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that the gay community can be more harmful towards its peers than the straight one. I have been more bullied by the gays than by anyone else for just speaking softly and being softly mannered . No i do not say fabulous, i do not dance at bars and i like the bar scene only with my friends, i do not sing show tunes ( except when showering because i am so out of tune) and i do not fix cars ( i haven't one) and i am working a very straight job ( cost control and budget officer)... SA do not close your eyes to fabulous world of faggy men.... you might marry one someday
SA is homophobic and a tad sexist. He conforms to the gender dichotomy and can't embrace that some behaviors that may historically been associated with women are perfectly valid states of being.

At its very *best* being only attracted to straight acting guys is a fetish. Like being attracted to guys with big feet or guys with a cleft palate.

He needs to suck it up and accept that people exhibit interest/behavour regardless of gender. Only then will he will get beyond this blindness and see people for *who* they are.
If Mr. "I'm not faggy I'm just into musical theatre" is over the age of 24, he needs to grow the fuck up. Lot of self-hate still there: he's gay, but other than that abnormality, he's normal. Riiight.

Here's a hint, you may get more guys if you don't project disdain for gay men. Incredible, how that works.

I will defer to people with actual EDs on this, but though I think Dan is right that it's fine for you to ask him to lose the weight, I'd really watch those mental scars. I'd hate to think that a new household calorie-concious attitude could lead to your ED sneaking back into your life, under the guise of helping your husband. That's not to say don't do it, just be careful.
@33- it's been said again and again that asking a girl out at the gym is WRONG, that asking the cute girl on the bus out is WRONG, that asking the cute waitress out is WRONG, and HOW DARE YOU. This has been said in the mainstream media, in magazines, and everywhere you go. It's been pounded into us non-asshole hetero males since the 70s. "She just wants to work out/ride home/do her work, and you have the goddam gall to ask her out?" (Cue the harpy screeches)

Looks to me like you're the one who's not getting it, toots.
Dan, stop telling me what drugs you've taken before writing your column. I just don't care.
140 pounds on a 5'10 frame? I weighed that in high school and people thought I was anorexic. I can't imagine how odd a guy would look with those numbers, she must be forgetful.
Good thing you're not British. My American flatmate gave one of us Englanders some Nyquil (is that how you spell it?). I walked past the bathroom, heard and heard stage whispering gibberish. half an hour later I turn round from cooking to see her dripping, towel sat on her head, eyes like a tarsier:
"I just saw the queen in the bath"
"oh god how many did you take?"

I'm just going to add that "she"=fellow Brit. Not the drug pedaling west virginian responsible.
It's extremely refreshing to see a letter from a woman bitching about her man's weight.
Is it possible that FAR has transfered her once unrealistic self-image onto her husband?

230 at 5'10 is not enormous. 140, as others have said, borders on unhealthy. Is he happy at his weight?

Within reason (and 230 is within reason), most of us aren't this hung up on our partner's weight, as long as he/she is healthy and happy.
Is it possible that FAR has transfered her once unrealistic self-image onto her husband?

230 at 5'10 is not enormous. 140, as others have said, borders on unhealthy. Is he happy at his weight?

Within reason (and 230 is within reason), most of us aren't this hung up on our partner's weight, as long as he/she is healthy and happy.
Damn! Missed it.
Damn! Missed it!
Oops! Posted twice. Sorry.
Oops! Posted twice. Sorry.
How is it possible that I can even operate a computer!
@51 - 5'10" and 230 may not be enormous but it's pretty overweight and probably not very attractive.
Hey Straight Actor - I'm a really normal kind of gay guy and I'm available.....oh wait. I already don't like you. Never mind. Sorry.
Gym girl, here's what you do.

Ask this fella... "Hey. Are you dating anyone?" If he says yes, answer, "Hmmm. Too bad." You've just given him a compliment, and you can continue sly flirting knowing you've made him feel really good. If he says no, then say, "Wanna join me for an energy water?" Betcha he says yes. And if he's gay, you can discuss shampoo and become gym BFFs.
@46 You're a tool.
@51, I have to agree with 59, unless he's one of those gigantic barrel-chested/power-lifting guys, a lean to muscular build at 5'10" should be <200. "Ballooned" suggests he's carrying most of it in his gut/love-handles/tits.

I don't see how 140 borders on unhealthy; In high school I was 5'10" and 150ish and I had quite a bit of muscle mass, so I can easily imagine weighing 140 without that extra weight.
First letter probably follows The Rules. Never return a call within some arbitrary time period, never fuck within the first three dates even if you're both grown adults and you want to, NEVER ask a guy out, etc. The horror.

Yeah, I'm pretty much useless to my male friends when it comes to dating advice.

@47: Depends, I guess, on how much muscle/fat you've got. My BF is around 5'9" and I think he used to weight 140ish at some point. He just looked fine -- not fat, but far, far from skeletal or anorexic. And I know BMIs are not the most telling measure, but 5'10"/140lb is well within normal ranges.

I used to be "borderline" underweight. I ate normally; my doctor had no issues with me. I was just skinny.
FAR--Why do people have issues with the weight question. When you marry someone, there is an obligation on the part of both parties to maintain themselves in a reasonable state of health; and love and trust involves being honest with each other if they are engaging in destructive behavior. Substitute excessive drinking or drug use for overeating, and the answer becomes obvious. Being overweight affects relationships. I don't recall my wedding vows including a promise to "have sex with you even if you become a fat disgusting pig." And for better or worse does not involve self inflicted problems.
I love you Dan! That's all. Have a lovely holiday.
@51 One of my friends is about that build. It just means that guy probably has absolutely no muscle. And 230 at 5'10 is pretty bad. My brother is 6'2 and got up to that for a while and it wasn't pretty.
"Good thing you're not British. My American flatmate gave one of us Englanders some Nyquil (is that how you spell it?)."

Yes, that's how you spell it. And it's sold under the name of Night Nurse in England.
@52 - I have to agree. My BF is 5' 11" and 220. He's got a bit of a gut, but it's certainly not enough to make him unattractive. He's working on his own to exercise that away, and his goal is around 200. If he was 140... he's look like skin and bones.

Now, I have dealt with anorexia in the past as well, and I am currently at my highest weight ever: 125 on a 5' 5" frame. This is still on the "barely healthy weight" end of things. So I feel fat still when I gain a pound or two, but I don't think he is.

Just my $0.02.
To Shy Girl (and guys and girls otherwise), ran across an interesting summary of flirting styles from an 'academic journal'... might be interesting even if it is a bit sterile:…

There is more detail if you Google the primary author and journal title. That has a short summary and a link to a 'test' to assess your prefered flirting style(s).
@ctmcmull, 53-58:
You made me laugh! Now if you can tell me that all these posts were un-premeditated, I am prepared to find them even funnier.
Nicotine Valium Vicodine Marijuana Ecstacy and Alcohol
my ex was 5"10 and is scrawny...I remember getting bruises on my inner thighs from his skeletal hip bones...
@69 - I guess this just proves that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. 5'11" and 220 (unless he's a body builder in competition form) is unattractive. That is 30% BMI and considered obese. And yes, I'm a shallow bitch.
I agree 140 pounds on 5'10" is skinny, but metabolisms are different. If a person is eating well and exercising and happens to be skinny there's no problem. Some women aren't attracted to skinny guys but FAR isn't one of them.

On the flip side, I knew a guy who who was 5'10" and weighed 210. He had broad shoulders and carried a lot of muscle so the weight was ideal on him. Once you start getting up to 230 and over there might be more belly than brawn.

I think a good talk is in order. FAR's partner might have been overeating as a coping mechanism from the stress of being a constant source of support. Maybe he's always worried about her even when she seems fine. Or maybe he's just getting a bit older and lazier and has slipped into bad lifestyle choices.

I think if she brings it up in a diplomatic way maybe he'll feel comfortable saying things he's never said before and they get get on the right track, sex-wise and otherwise.
It's amazing how Americans have totally lost perspective on weight. According to heart and lung association BMI calculators, 5'10" 140# is BMI 20.1 or completely normal weight. Its not underweight until you hit about 18 BMI. 5'10" 230# is BMI 33.3 or obese. Not overweight, but obese. Now, whether it is unusual in today's age is a different question, but 33 BMI is extremely unhealthy by any definition. So, yes, if your spouse goes from being normal weight to obese, there are grounds to speak up. And it affects sex. Unless the guy is unusually well endowed, his penis will be buried in a thick layer of fat and barely functionable.
@ 72: I soooo wanna hang out with you! ;)
Seriously, Dan? The 140 lbs. dude has gained 90 POUND in his eight year marriage a recoverering anorexic and you think he should just lose weight to make himself more attractive to her? This is pretty clearly a toxic relationship and they need to get into therpay and fast! There is some serious psycological shit happens here - I know you love to just play the 'blame the fatty' game but there has to be more going on here then the writer is admitting.
5'10" and 230 is fat. That is a BMI of over 30 or obese. BMI isn't perfect, but 230 and 5'10 is overweight unless you are a massive rugby dude or something of the sort.

5'10" and 140 is a BMI of 20, on the lower end of the 'healthy' range. As someone who is 5'9 and 145-150 this doesn't seem like an unreasonable weight at all if the guy was in shape.

BMI isn't perfect, but to all the people saying 230 isn't big, it is big. Even if y'all are that heavy, it doesn't mean it is a healthy weight.
PSGWAC - imagine he's thinking the same thing. Now ask him out.
Way too much Vicodin Dan.
... and for PSGWAC, I agree with what many other people have already posted. You don't know if he's gay, shy, respectful, attached or all of the above. Nor do you have to go from eye contact to asking him out. Start with friendly, gym-related chatter like, "Man, it's so cold today I had to force myself to come to the gym" or "Boy, I really needed this workout. I'm so stressed about my chem lab/term paper/midterm." The latter will give you an open to talk about what you're studying and find out what he's studying or where he works and what his interests are.

Once you've gone from eye contact to conversation, it will be much easier to find out if he's gay or attached and, if not, you can segue from conversation to going out, i.e. "I can't believe I got an A on my chem lab/term paper/midterm! Want to grab a drink/lunch/dinner with me to celebrate?"

As for SA, I feel bad for the guy. I hope he works through his issues. Maybe he's been socially or sexually rejected from a man of men he feels conforms to gay stereotypes and that's mixed into his lack of self-acceptance as a gay man. Unfortunately, the more he projects his lack of self-love and self-acceptance with a bad attitude, the less likely he is to find sex partners or friends.
@45 It's only wrong if it's completely random. If it's someone who has been showing signs of interest, that's different. How hard is it to distinguish between someone who is interested and someone who is trying to ignore you? Come on, this is not rocket surgery!

The exception is when someone is doing a job - waitress, cashier, etc. They are paid to be nice to people, including making eye contact and smiling, and you put them in an awkward spot by asking them out while they are working.
To SA -- personal ads, duh.
@84 - That's only good until they find out he's a musical theater major and drop him.
Mmmm vicodin.

And I laughed myself silly on the advice for the straight acting homophobe, too. Yes, yes.

As for the girl in the gym, just ask him if he's got a girlfriend. I have yet to meet a guy who takes offense at that. Go for it.

Dan, I'm not gonna say you *should* pop a few vicodin before writing a column... but it certainly wasn't the disaster you seemed to think it would be. Hope you got rid of that headache, though.

Hang in there, IDW,IS. Half the time I get too drunk and fuck it up before we even leave the bar! I thinks that's because I'm an alcoholic, not because I'm shy. LOL - good luck partner, you're not the only one.
Dan, #1, #3, and #4 were spot on this week. #2 was sarcastic, which is great, but I think the less perceptive among us should be made aware of that so they don't get the wrong idea.
I think 83 nailed it. That is pretty much the entire crux of the matter.
To the recovering anorexic:

Take control of the food shopping. It seems like guys are lucky in that cutting out regular soda/replacing it with diet will instantly drop 20 pounds from their tuckus. (worked for my dad and stepdad and various male friends/family members). Offer to cook delicious things at home if he eats out a lot. Then you can make sure he's eating healthy.

However, if you're in love with someone and plan to grow old together, you must realize that they're not always going to be as fit and non-saggy as when you met. 140 pounds is honestly way too thin for a guy unless he is like 5'2". Your guy is 5'10", I'd peg his normal acceptable weight between 175 and 195 depending on muscle mass. So be sure your expectations of him 1) aren't unrealistic and 2) don't send him spiraling into the war with food that you've been battling with your own eating disorders, either.
@83: Agreed.
Dan, first the workout chick says something about being 'hurt in her last relationship' and then "I'm finding myself obsessing over him...". Well? Perhaps her issue is with how she IS, rather than her current issue with men? Perhaps this is what she does, she obsesses, which is about as hot as chronic halitosis, and thus her relationships go to shit, she then 'gets hurt' and ends up on this cycle? So, advice to her should be counciling for her daddy-issues and a toothbrush?
People, if you want to keep your mate, keep off the weight. And make sure the mate knows that this is a mutual commitment.

That is all there is to it, folks.
Dan, first the workout chick says something about being 'hurt in her last relationship' and then "I'm finding myself obsessing over him...". Well? Perhaps her issue is with how she IS, rather than her current issue with men? Perhaps this is what she does, she obsesses, which is about as hot as chronic halitosis, and thus her relationships go to shit, she then 'gets hurt' and ends up on this cycle? So, advice to her should be counciling for her daddy-issues and a toothbrush?
140lbs at 5'10" is a perfectly healthy weight, it's a BMI of 20.1 which is spot on in the center of the healthy range. Now BMI is flawed in many ways (especially if you are very tall, or very muscular) but as a general guideline it's not bad.

230 is OBESE, not just overweight but obese, unless he's extremely muscular like a body builder (and from the letter I REALLY doubt that) he's at real risk of medical issues if he doesn't lose weight. Especially given the time scale for this weight gain, 90 lbs over 8 years is over 11 lbs gained every year and that's not good. He doesn't just need to lose weight, he needs to see a doctor about it because that's a lot of weight gain and there may be an underlying medical reason for it (like a thyroid problem).

Both my brother and my father are rather thin wiry guys, both about 6' tall and average out around 145-150. They don't look unhealthy, my dad is probably healthier than most guys approaching 60 considering he still plays basketball every weekend and most of the guys there are half his age. My mom jokes that she never has a problem buying clothes for my dad because his size hasn't changed once since they met.
BTW, I'm overweight. I accept this and am fine with it, research shows that someone who is in good physical shape can be a little overweight without ill health. However the comment here really show that our collective view of healthy weight is very skewed.

The healthy weight range of a man who is 5'10" is 132-173lbs. Overweight is 174-208lbs. Anything over that is obese and anything over 278 is extreme obesity.

This is from the national institute of health's bmi chart…
Whoa, the version of FAR's letter at has a line that's apparently been redacted from the Savage Love version:

"I'm at the point where I'm about to take up an invitation from an ex in town for the weekend just so I can have sex with someone who doesn't have a belly."

What the heck?

Even government-produced charts have A LOT of input from the insurance companies. What they say is the correct weight is not always about what's healthiest. Skepticism is in order. So... how do you FEEL? Are you fat and happy? Skinny and sad? We're all different.
I agree 140 pounds on 5'10" is skinny, but metabolisms are different. If a person is eating well and exercising and happens to be skinny there's no problem. Some women aren't attracted to skinny guys but FAR isn't one of them.

Bingo. I love skinny guys and most of the guys I've dated over the past few years have been ~6' tall and 140. They weren't skin and bones, either; they had some nice muscle tone. But a guy only looks good at that weight if he arrives at it naturally; he'll probably have a small bone structure and high metabolism.

There's nothing inherently wrong with being 5'10" and 230, but if FAR's husband has the kind of bone/muscle structure that allows him to look good at 140 lbs, he would look fucking disgusting with almost 100 pounds of extra fat on him. You need big bones, broad shoulders, and a tendency to easily put on muscle if you wanna look good at that weight.
Straight Actor sounded to me like the one of the leads in 2009 film, The Big Gay Musical. I didn't find SA homophobic. Good luck to you!
Thanks for your perpetually dickish, and usually spot on, advice, Dan. It's one of a handful of things I'm genuinely thankful for.
RE: SA: some gay guys are attracted to masculine stereotypical men. Doesn't mean they're homophobic, issue-ridden queer messes- they're just attracted to manly men. Get over it. What bugs me is the stereotype that all gay men are somewhat effeminate- all but 1 of my queer friends look and act like construction workers or truck drivers.
As for the 5'-10"/140-230lb spouse. It's all about the frame and body-type. Think 5'-10"- swimmer OR wrestler. I'm over 6', but would look completely disgusting at 230, because I have a swimmer's build. Other 6'+ frames might look nice at 230, but not mine. My son is 5'-10" and about 140lbs. He's thin and healthy looking, but at 230, he'd be grossly obese.
@83 Correct.

Just think how you would feel if some gross person started hitting on you while you were on the job? Especially if your job involves customer service, you're really in a bind. It's just disrepectful to hit on a waitress*, beyond mild, friendly flirting.

Seems like looking for non-faggy gays might just lead you to some psycho closet cases, but your best bet might be the military.

*Exceptions for Portugese Waitress

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