Savage Love

No Choke

Comments

1
I'm confused about the advice to Stuck. Has the guy tried suggesting that he could sleep with other women, while his girlfriend stays home and nurses her low sex drive?
2
Also, the advice to Scared, GSP, and EPL was solid as well as impressively gentle and understanding...
3
@1: Sounds like he's suggested that and she wouldn't be cool with it. Also, what, no "First"?

GSP: Try having him come a few hours before he comes in your mouth. This should reduce the quantity of semen. You get bigger loads if you wait a while before coming.

4
I always find it funny when people write in and expect Dan to tell them it is OK to cheat. Advice is one thing for the ultimate answer he needs to ask himself.

5
Sorry, Stuck, you're stuck. Generally, women in their 30s are really ramping up their drive into overdrive; if your girlfriend isn't, then it's completely appropriate (though it might freak her out) to suggest that she speak directly to her ob-gyn about it to see if her birth control is responsible. The ob-gyn can determine whether her hormone levels are wacky; the pill and some other birth control devices can put a serious damper on the ol' drive. Having been stuck myself in a sex-twice-a-year marriage for several decades, if this doesn't work you might need to seek out other options.
6
@4: As Erica Jong put it, advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer and wish you didn't.
7
@5: He wants something sexually adventurous, so I'm thinking even a monogamous relationship with a woman who has a high sex drive might not even satisfy him.
8
Question to SL readers: One take-home message from reading Dan Savage is that porn can be good for people, for relationships, sex lives, etc. But I stay away from it because I can't bear the thought that the actors themselves were exploited in the process. Can anyone suggest where you can access porn that you can be reasonably sure wasn't made by exploited actors? Where you *know* that the participants were there because they wanted to be there and not because they didn't have any other choice? How can I find porn that's both good as well as "good"? Any suggestions?
9
@8, those abbywinters.com girls seem to be having a great time!
10
Stuck: #5 reminds me that in addition to BCPs, certain antidepressants are notorious for lowering sex drive in both men and women. Speaking from experience, I can tell you Paxil is one of those. I'm guessing Zoloft is as well, since it is chemically similar to Paxil. Is she taking one of those?
11
Blackrose @3, my sense of guys like Stuck is that they don't have the courage of their convictions. They want more varied sex, but they're scared of the hard conversations that might lead to opening up their relationship. The hard conversation involves saying, explicitly: "I'm going to have sex with other women, and it's non-negotiable. I really hope you don't leave me over this, because I love you."

Instead, they tend to cheat, which leads to a break-up anyway, but the break-up is due more to their cowardice and lies than to their desire for varied sex.

12
@ #8, the Kink.com sites produce good stuff in an ethical way if bdsm is your bag. There is honest, ethical porn to be had.

Tristan Taramino (sp) is a director who produces 'good' stuff too. Violet Blue's website has some good links too. Tony Comstock has made some interested films that are plenty sexy and include more narrative with the couples. The Comstock films might be a good place to start if you are worried about the ethics of it all. That should be enough to get you started!

13
@11: Yes, but he specifically says he's talked to her about "arrangements" and "anything to sleep with other women".

I'm not sure that kind of direct statement is best. You're suggesting she might not leave him if he just tells her about it and does it, even if he asks and she said no? The problem with that is that she might not have the courage of conviction, and stay with him even when she's miserable, which will make for a lousy last few months of a relationship (I've been there: that was my ex).

Do you think "I'm gonna have sex with other women" is better than "I would really like to open this relationship up because I'm unhappy like this, and it isn't working out for me"? I've had similar problems -- in fact, your comment could be talking about me in the past -- but I've never tried that approach... and why not just make it clear from the beginning that you only want something open?
14
Dan is sharper than me because he only had to read BBP's letter twice. I still don't know what the hell she is saying.

"I recently noticed that he is watching porn when I am not around." Huh? Is there some kind of monitoring device employed here?

"...I noticed that since he started watching porn, we have had a lot more sex. Can you help me sort this out so I can bandage up my wounds?" WTF? Is this woman writing for advice on how to have less sex?
15
@13: Yes, it's better to make it clear from the beginning, but that's not possible if you're already with someone you love when you start to understand your needs.

We could discuss phraseology, but the important part is to be clear that you won't back down even when she cries and makes your life difficult. Assuming this isn't the first time you (hypothetical you) have brought up the idea of sleeping with other women, I think it's also important to follow up the conversation by actually having sex with someone else. If no one is readily available, then an escort.

There's no better way to get your partner to understand the new reality (and I say this from experience). But make it clear that you are being (and have been) completely honest and that you love and respect her.

Also, point her to websites like Slog, so she can understand that you are the norm, and she's not likely to find someone else she likes as much as she likes you, who won't also have this issue down the road.
16
@8, 9: I love Abby Winters!
17
@8:

All over the internet. Generally under the category "amateur".

But if you want a specific site, I highly recommend yuvutu.com. Or newbienudes.com.

By the way, I take issue with how you perceive professional porn actors and actresses as all being "exploited". In my experience, that happens very rarely and more to the point, making porn under duress becomes pretty damn transparent and makes for really bad porn. The few people that are good enough actors to make themselves not look exploited under these circumstances have much better acting careers behind them, and get paid much better than anyone in porn could possibly get paid.
18
@13: Of course, none of this is a guarantee that she won't leave. How could I promise that?

She will be miserable, as you suggest. And then, either she'll leave, or she'll decide she wants to stay. But if you show yourself to be trustworthy, then at least the relationship has a chance of surviving.
19
Newbie Nudes? No. They sell credit card numbers. I don't know how ethical their porn is, but their business practices are despicable.
20
@15, I'd give her more of a chance and a little more time to adjust to the idea than two conversations worth, we don't know how much he's actually talked to her about this in a serious way. It's also likely her sex-drive is gone because she's sexually bored as well, just isn't aware of the reasons for it. The idea that she doesn't want to use what little sex drive she has on other people doesn't make any sense to me. Sex drive is situational, not static.
21
@20 - agreed. The discussion, really, should go on and on and on, as both of you figure out what this new reality looks like.

For us, the initial conversation took most of a weekend (with a lot of tears). Then it averaged about an hour a day for the next month...

We made rules then (this was nine months ago), that we have had to revise subsequently, and that takes time too. But now on balance we spend less time talking about fears and concerns, and more time sharing fun stories and fantasies about being with other people.

But the conversation will never go anywhere if the guy starts by saying, "this is something I'd like, but I'll wait until you're okay with it." If I had thought I could control my husband and stop him from sleeping with other women, I would have. The benefits wouldn't have seemed worth the risks. Since he made clear he was going to do this, then it was up to me to figure out how to fit myself into the new world. How to control myself, not him.
22
@15, 18: What about people who say that they know non-monogamy is not for them, that they've thought about it and talked about it and are really uncomfortable and anxious about the idea? That was my ex's situation, and it sounds like the LW's GF may be that way also. If someone's already said that they would break up with you if you had sex with someone else, why actually do it and tell them? It's probably less easier and less painful to just break up first.
23
@8, http://www.tinynibbles.com/smartporn has seemed like a pretty good list to me.
24
blade? fight circle? pet/mistress? 'splain, please.
25
@8: Erotic art and comics, though perhaps not considered "porn" by everyone, are great sources of stimulus for those worried about the ethics of porn production and consumption.
26
These letters, with the exception of the first one, were all extremely annoying.

GSP wants advice on how to get him "most of the way there and letting him come on [her] face." Huh? The way you do that is by getting him most of the way there and letting him come on your face.

EPL keeps saying she "slept" with Jennifer. What's with the quotes? Is "slept" a euphemism for some blade-centered kink? Otherwise, I think we could have figured out what she meant without the quotes.

BBP's and Stuck's letters are just too pointless to even talk about. BBP has no problem and Stuck should just break up. WTF?

It's obvious week at Savage Love!
27
Indeed, Dan was very gentle today. Very different from his "Hey faggot" times. Could it be he is mellowing with age? That all those letter-writers now feel like children seeking wisdom?

Indeed things have changed since college days.
28
Indeed, Dan was very gentle today. Very different from his "Hey faggot" times. Could it be he is mellowing with age? That all those letter-writers now feel like children seeking wisdom?

Indeed things have changed since college days. :-)
29
"if you treat me like anything other than your equal when we're not having sex, Sir, I will kick your fucking ass."

Would Dan have suggested this phrase if SOS had been a sub man writing about his dom girlfriend? I'm not really cool with the idea that getting hit is an appropriate comeuppance for a man who treats a woman disrespectfully - or, for that matter, with the idea of using domestic violence as a threat against ANYONE, even half in jest.

(And don't give me some bullshit about how "kick your fucking ass" is metaphorical. Denotation supersedes connotation, and if you doubt that, ask yourself how you'd react to a man threatening to kick his girlfriend's ass.)
30
@8 feck.com.au has great ethics and at least used to link
to other responsible porn sites somewhere (liability/uncertainty may make them
remove rec's though)... A pal in Melbourne worked for them
and loved it! Talk about a dreamy way to get paid!!
31
@29 My BF and I threaten to kick each other's ass all the time. It is an expression. In reality, we might playfully bite, wrestle or even gently strike each other, but it's all a game.
If someone is uncomfortable with the expression and says so, then I'll try not to use it with them. But most people are cool with it.
32
@8 vivthomas.com was the site that got the misses to enjoy porn. Art of Sex was the video that did it. Very consensual, very hot, very much enjoyed by all.
33
Saxfanatic @14--I read her letter to mean that: 1-she saw his browser history, so that's how she knows he's watching it when she's not around, and 2-she is feeling insecure because she "wasn't enough" to turn him on, and he "had to" turn to porn to rev up his engine before wanting to have sex with her.
34
Stuck's issue is a real issue, and Dan's answer is really the only solution. You can't go back in time and have those crazy times you think that you really wished you had back when you were in college and in your twenties. Your past is your past, and you can't re-write it years later. Stuck thinks that there is this 30 something world of wild love and a crazy single scene similar to what was going on when everybody was single in their teens and twenties. There's not. There is a lot more married folks with kids and dating is a different scene. the swinging and swapping scene is completely different than the college dating scene. Stuck needs to go out there and learn this in real time. He may lose his girlfriend who it doesn't sound like he is very compatible with in the first place. Then he can spend the next few years regretting that girl he let get away because he couldn't deal with his past and finding that the grass isn't really greener. But it seems like he just has to eat that grass.
35
@24:
I'm pretty sure the "fight circle" refers to, ya know, people actually poking at each other with (mock, at least) swords. It's a Thing. Trying to recreate a more "romantic" age and whatnot.

Can't help with the pet/mistress part, though.
36
"She's talented artistically, poetically, and with a blade." Who the fuck talks like that?
37
@26

I think she's referring to the fact that you can sleep with someone with out sex, just sleep in their bed it's all innocent. Then there's the you actually slept together and there was sex. I think the sword fighting is separate.

@24

Like 35 said, fight circle is more of a medieval-Renaissance thing where you fight each other with swords and sometimes other weapons as well. From what I've heard from a friend, it's a really good bonding experience and a good way to gain trust and respect.
38
"Break up, I guess" ?? And this dude gets paid shitloads of money to give advice and speeches? Sweet racket, Dan!
39
@22: If you know your partner has thought long and hard before rejecting non-monogamy, and you need non-monogamy, then clearly the two of you are not compatible and will have to break up. And yes, you can minimize the pain by breaking up before you start sleeping around.

I thought we were talking about relationships that had a chance of actually opening up, because the woman has shown herself to be open-minded in general, even if not about this issue.
40
@8: Can you suggest a restaurant where the food and experience wasn't made by exploited servers, dishwashers, cooks, etc.? Where you *know* that the participants were there because they wanted to be there and not because they didn't have any other choice?

@11: I can't imagine any woman who would react well to that other than women already open to the idea of an open relationship.

Also, I'd like to know what _Stuck_ meant by "skipped." Was it voluntary or involuntary? You may be giving him too hard a time if it was the latter. And if that's the case, I could be him 10 years ago.

It's pretty depressing to know that you need to "mature" (like a bottle of wine) before anyone will want you; and when they do, it won't be for the kind of relationship you want.
41
@40 - but, a lot of times you yourself don't know what you really want until you're older. 21-year-old me thought she knew what kinda relationship she wanted: 40-year-old, smarter & kinkier me, is highly amused @ what 21-year-old me thought.

..and you won't be genuinely radiating confidence until you yourself really know what you want. I know some people just kinda stumble into relationships & they "just work out", but the ones that have had any staying power in my experience took both partners having a pretty firm idea of what they wanted in general, not just with the party they were involved w/ at the time.

So try not to view that as depressing. & the kind of relationship you want - that phrase covers a lot of ground. Did you mean you personally, or "Skipped"? Lotsa people have wold oats syndrome. (Oh, I shoulda been wild & Crazy in college, etc.) I've dated a guy who didn't have a lot of experience. We had a nice few years together & both of us were GGG, so his lack of planting wild oats was seldom missed & wasn't why we broke up.

42
@8 Yes, but all of it is queer porn.

I cannot recommend Crash Pad highly enough.

Many of their videos feature an active/passive or top/bottom dynamic. A very few involve cocks made of meat rather than silicon. Unfortunately if queer porn is not your thing you probably won't enjoy the site.

If you're one of Dan's lesbian or queer readers, on the other hand, and not bothered by things shaped like penises, you should take a look.
43
@40: no, of course no woman who didn't want an open relationship would "react well." It's not about keeping her happy and enjoying smooth sailing. Her partner's desire to sleep with other women is a big iceberg, in the path of smooth sailing. Most men try to hide the iceberg ("she won't be hurt if she doesn't know.") That's a bad choice.

Instead, the point is to find out whether or not she can make the transition to the new reality, where her partner is going to have sex with other women. There's no way to sugar-coat that. There's no way to get through the conversation without pain and frustration.

If asked her opinion, she will tell him not to have sex with other women. I would have. So if he doesn't want to hear that, he can't give her that option. That's not to say you can't be kind along the way. But lying about the intensity of your desires & needs is not kindness.

44
The idea is to get her to see that she can choose between her current guy (who has extracurricular sex needs), and some other guy (who will also have extracurricular sex needs).

But she doesn't have the option of a guy without extracurricular sex needs, unless she picks a guy who isn't very interested in sex in the first place.

If, with the help of the many books, websites and experts now out there, you can get her to see that, then she may be willing to make the leap.
45
@8 - I occasionally write reviews of porn (and sometimes interview creators) for a British magazine that specializes in unusual (esp. female-oriented) porn, and I've been consistently surprised at the quality of some of the non-mainstream movies I've encountered.

While I second what the other reviewer said about porn rarely exploiting its actors (if you'd like an interesting look at the business, I recommend Asia Carrera's website - she's a porn actress who's also a card-carrying MENSA member), I can totally understand mainstream porn seeming blah - it tends to be rather cookie-cutter, and doesn't pay any attention to the personhood of the actors involved. If you'd like to try something different, where the actors are playing characters in a story as well as having some pretty hot sex, I highly recommend "Life, Love, Lust" by Erika Lust or "Matinee" by Jennifer Lyon Bell. (No exploitation in either, I promise.)
46
I think the saddest part of this is EricaP being snowed by her husband that there is no such thing as a man with a decent sex drive who can be monogamous. Really? He really got you to believe that?

There are plenty of folks of both genders out there who have sampled the buffet plenty, know what they want, and have no desire to sample further. In my experience these people tended to be pretty much amateur sex workers for a few years, at least, and at one time may have thought monogamy was an evil oppressive shackle of society, but are now just bored with the impossible to avoid drama and complication that comes with sleeping with more than one person. Between work and kids and our own relationship and sex life, my husband and I just don't have time for anyone else anymore. We prefer to devote our attention to one another. Do we still desire others? HELL YES. But it's just not worth it. Sort of like how it's tons of fun to be a party animal for years but eventually you can't deal with another freaking hangover. Fond memories and a stress free life comfort us in our monogamy now.

If my husband came to me and informed me he'd be sleeping with other women at this point in our relationship, I'd inform him he could update his FB status to single. I'm just not interested in that kind of drama anymore. And I'm not talking about fighting or jealousy games, I'm talking about scheduling the sexual and romantic demands of two women around work and family. Then again, I also like to fuck, a lot, in varied ways, and am pretty demanding. A once a week kind of gal may not care. My first comment to him would be "we'll discuss you having sex with other women when you're fucking me at least twice a day, every day."

Also, sex drives are situational only due to depression or medical issues. People who want and like sex will find a way to have it or miss it. I think a lot of people confuse new relationship energy with sex drive. Finally, it's entirely possible Stuck just sucks in bed, like MOST hetero men without much experience do. Women who are getting laid properly by a man they love generally like sex and are not averse to having more.
47
@15

making your partner miserable sounds like a really shitty way to open up a relationship. It essentially says, "I don't care about your feelings, I don't care about your needs, this is all about me. Deal with it."

Who'd wanna date someone like that in the first place? Also, not every single guy has "extracurricular needs." Yes, I know, anyone who doesn't have them is just not admitting it and secretly living a life of despair. But if savage love has taught me one thing, its that there are all types of people in this world, even the occasional naturally monogamous male.
48
Re: Ex-Pet Lesbian

Essentially you pretended to be into a couple in order to hook up w/ one member of the couple. Your intent to divide and conquer, at least for the moment, appears to have backfired. EPL, you are in college, the most fertile ground known for experimentation, same-sex relationships and just about anything else you can imagine. Find yourself an unattached woman to have fabulous sex with and let Jennifer dual out her relationship drama without you as a distraction.
49
@47 I totally agree with your first paragraph. I may even be cool with some degree of openess in my relationship, but having my long term boyfriend tell me "this is the way it's going to be...so deal with it" would not work
For me.
50
Stuck's letter sounds way too close enough to my own situation - or at least my situation in the recent past. I spent a _lot_ of time quietly brooding, sometimes seething, about this. At some point I realized that (1) this frustration was consuming me to an unhealthy degree, and (2) I wasn't prepared to deal with it for the rest of my life.

And as someone who's been there, my suggestion would be pretty much what everyone else says: just tell her what it is you need already - i.e. some opportunity for non-monogamy, be that casual affairs with others or a secondary relationship - and that this need won't just go away. That's what I eventually did with my wife. Discussing it was tough for both of us (to put it lightly), but I've worked to demonstrate the commitment that she would require to be comfortable, and she seems to have accepted it. I can't officially say the ending is happy quite yet, but so far I'm feeling better and she seems content.

I know it's tough to make the demand - believe me, I do. Just do it anyway.
51
@46/47 - Most men, historically, have not been satisfied with monogamy. They'll promise it, sure, but they don't stick to it over the course of 40-50 years. So she can leave her man for someone who will promise her monogamy, but unless she can see the future, she can't leave her man for someone who is guaranteed not to have these issues.

Wendykh -- you're sure he will never change? You're sure you will never change? If hormonal changes meant you no longer wanted sex very often, would you kick him out the door for wanting more than you did, and trying to get it?

CupofCoffee-- the premise here is that the man has been miserable for years. The woman has said, "I don't care about your feelings, wants & needs. Deal with it." The man is just refusing to accept that situation any more. I've met a million men like that -- just most of them turn to lies instead of honesty when they refuse to accept the situation.

Forgive me for taking up the thread, but I'm on a one-woman crusade to persuade some men to try honesty instead of lies.
52
@50 - Fantastic!
53
@8 there are several sites for amateurs to upload their personal smut to. youporn xtube etc. You may have to look around a little bit as quite a bit of the stuff is obviously made by professionals, but there are plenty of videos obviously made by couples and shot with a home video camera on a tripod or POV handheld type stuff.
54
Dan, someone? Could you please elaborate on the any choking- even light choking- is a bad idea? As in at the point you are having your oxygen cut off it's bad? Or, it's dangerous even to have someone be a little rough with you with their hands around your neck? My newish partner has been a bit rough with me and I LOVE it, including putting hands around my neck and grabbing me, but not actually trying to choke the life out of me... I was going to ask him to step it up a bit (tonight in fact)but if this is a terrible idea, any thoughts on what is similar and safe, or where to draw the line (i.e. not using both hands, not having his hand at my throat in the front where it could hurt my wind pipe, etc.)

Thanks in advance
55
To be fair, I think what was meant by the dig about men needing extracurricular action was that the gf is described as having a very low sex drive - so future partners will either find themselves in the same situation as Stuck or have an equally low sex drive.
56
Way to be completely condescending to EPL just because you don't "get" the whole pet-play thing. Guess you don't have to be GGG to give advice these days.

Also, I really liked how you basically told SOS that she should show her boyfriend that she's insecure and borderline bipolar by liking something and then getting shitty over it later. That's exactly what she needs to do to have a healthy relationship.

I think danny boy needs his nap before he responds to any more letters because this week and the last two have all been shit.
57
SFOgirl, I strongly suggest you and your partner watch Penny Flame's Expert Guide to Rough Sex. My partner and I watched it before trying anything involving the neck, and I'm pretty sure it saved us a few injuries.
58
Dan said to BBP, "He's using porn to get his juices flowing, BBP, and those juices are ultimately flowing into you. Perhaps you should be grateful to porn for the way it's improved your sex life."

Uhmmm... not necessarily.

I've been married for 31 years to a milquetoast, unimaginative man who refused to have anything other than vanilla. I watched my sanity and sexual desire wither on the vine, so to speak, because, try as I might, I found nothing desirable about him after 20 years. Needless to say, our sex life suffered. He started using porn to "get his juices flowing" and yes, those juices came to me, alright... without benefit of any kind of foreplay. He just climbs on and... you know the rest.

I think you are all missing the point of BBP's problem with his use of porn. They're having more sex because of his lack of interest in her needs or pleasure. He's only interested in doing what it takes to get himself aroused. There's an issue bigger here than simply being too tired for sex.
59
Dan said to BBP, "He's using porn to get his juices flowing, BBP, and those juices are ultimately flowing into you. Perhaps you should be grateful to porn for the way it's improved your sex life."

Uhmmm... not necessarily.

I've been married for 31 years to a milquetoast, unimaginative man who refused to have anything other than vanilla. I watched my sanity and sexual desire wither on the vine, so to speak, because, try as I might, I found nothing desirable about him after 20 years. Needless to say, our sex life suffered. He started using porn to "get his juices flowing" and yes, those juices came to me, alright... without benefit of any kind of foreplay. He just climbs on and... you know the rest.

I think you are all missing the point of BBP's problem with his use of porn. They're having more sex because of his lack of interest in her needs or pleasure. He's only interested in doing what it takes to get himself aroused. There's an issue bigger here than simply being too tired for sex.
60
@57

I totally agree with you, but I may be biased since Penny Flame is my absolute favoritest porn star ever. But I've seen scenes from that video you mentioned, and it's pretty hot as well as educational.
61
@EricaP

[sigh]

I see your "advice" here every week, and it kind of makes me cringe. So you're in a long-term relationship that opened up and you love it. Wonderful. (Really wonderful, not sarcastic wonderful... I wish every monogamous partnership that opened up had the same success). But everyone is not you, and people's experiences are diverse.

Please, please stop telling people how "men" and "women" act. If you should have learned anything by being in an open relationship, it's that we are all individuals and social norms need not apply. You have chosen to disregard the norm of monogamy, which is a huge "fuck you" to the establishment. Awesome! (Again, real awesome, not sarcastic awesome). And if you are a part of any kind of poly / non-monogamous / queer / socially subversive / unconventional community, you will undoubtedly meet people who buck all kinds of social conventions. Well, those of us who buck conventional sexuality tend to shirk gender norms too. Because they're all related (and if you look hard enough, it can all be traced back to some pretty anti-feminist ideology).

So long story longer, the same historical precedents that gave monogamy its primacy, the ones you've chosen to disregard despite society's pressure, also created and reinforce gender norms. You've already seen flaws in the "moral superiority" of monogamy.... its not much further to see how many of them apply to gender norms as well.
62
offfwhite @61 - I totally agree with you that this isn't a men-are-promiscuous / women-are-undersexed thing. Lots of different kinds of people, lots of different kinds of sexuality. But if I start putting in nuance, I lose half my audience. Then I'd be the one getting into fights about "heteronormativity" from the other thread...

The fact remains, a large majority of the people complaining about not getting enough sex are men. And a large majority of those men are in relationships with women. So that's who I'm speaking to, as that's who I've been meeting now that we've opened up our marriage.

A whole big bunch of fucking cheaters. And I'm just optimistic enough to think that if I can get my point across, then one or two good marriages will last instead of the 40 year old wife feeling betrayed and leaving her husband.

63
@EricaP

Then you should be advocating introspection and communication, and most importantly not assuming people's responses and preferences based on social trends. Challenging people to actually explore why their sexual needs, practices, preferences, etc are they way they are is far more productive than assuming they fit the mold and hoping they change without adjusting the mold.
64
@58 I agree.

Dan, I bet you wouldn't be so pro-porn if gay porn were as bad as straight porn.

Gay porn is good. The guys are really enjoying themselves. Gay porn centers around what gay guys enjoy doing, and so gay guys watching it learn more about how to have good gay sex.

Straight porn is bad. The women are generally not into it. There's no attempt to focus on what gets women off. Straight guys who watch too much porn think that's how sex with women should be and they're often worse at sex than guys who don't watch porn. They become less aware of how to discern when a woman is turned on, and they think women come pre-shaved and ready to drop to their knees because there's a penis present. They aren't, and the internet is doing a disservice to straight sex.
65
Apparently I'm only the second person here to wonder why Dan said choking is bad. I know Dan doesn't respond to these comments, anyone else have any idea why he would say something like that? I was quite surprised...
66
Okay, I don't know much about the BDSM world, but I don't understand how the encounter SOS described could possibly be considered a dom-sub situation. Or if it was, then she was the dom. She and her boyfriend were cuddling, he was stroking her, and she decided she wanted to masturbate while he continued to watch television. He agreed to go along with this. I don't doubt that they have a dom-sub sex life in general, but this behavior doesn't sound very sub to me.
67
Okay, I'm not well-informed about the BDSM scene, but I don't understand how the situation SOS describes could be considered a dom-sub encounter. Or if it was, then she was the dom. She and her boyfriend were mutually cuddling, and she asked him to go on watching television while she masturbated. He agreed to go along with this. I don't doubt that they have a dom-sub sex life in general, but where is that evident in this situation?
68
@65 Why choking is dangerous. Here's the opinion of Jay Wiseman, who has been called multiple times to testify as an expert witness in BDSM (alleged homicide) cases:

http://www.jaywiseman.com/SEX_BDSM_Breat…

With a healthy subject:

The odds of five seconds of strangulation or suffocation causing cardiac arrest are really, really, really low, but not zero. (A suffocation death from such a brief period is likely caused by the Valsalva effect, discussed below.)

The odds of 30 seconds of strangulation or suffocation causing cardiac arrest are really, really low, but not zero. (Again, a death due to this brief a period of suffocation would likely have a Valsalva component to it.)

The odds of one minute of strangulation or suffocation causing cardiac arrest are really low, but not zero.

The odds of 90 seconds of strangulation or suffocation causing cardiac arrest are low, but not zero.

The odds of two minutes of strangulation or suffocation causing cardiac arrest are, well, maybe those odds, they are not so low.

The odds of more than two minutes of strangulation or suffocation killing someone are, well, yeah, now it wouldn't be too surprising if we had a major problem on our hands.

At five minutes, we very likely in serious trouble.

At ten minutes, there is likely little doubt.

At beyond ten minutes, there is virtually no doubt whatsoever.
69
@63: Great, you can get out there and challenge people "to explore why their sexual needs, practices, preferences, etc are they way they are."

Meanwhile, I'm going to keep speaking to the guys who know what they want (more sex, with more women), but aren't ready to admit it even to their partners, let alone explore the deep-seated reasons for their desires.

I just think some fraction of those guys (the cheaters I run into) will be happier if they find the balls to tell the truth to their wives (whom I don't meet). (Like the guy @50.)

Sorry for being an internet bore about it.
70
@54

Choking is dangerous, sad to say. Part of the reason why it's dangerous is because it's hard to control or observe when it's gone a little too far. And I don't mean too far as in "oh shit, I killed my partner," but in "oh, we noticed nothing out of the ordinary by now my girlfriend has minor brain damage." Being a little rough in the neck area is risky. There are blood vessels that when even gently compressed deprive the brain of oxygen, and that will cause damage, especially if this is a regular part of your sex life. It's the kind of thing that's unlikely to turn you into a drooling vegetable, but it's terrible for your long-term health. As I said before, you will probably not notice when you accrue tiny bits of brain damage over a long period of time. There is also the much smaller risk of unintentionally causing very serious, immediate damage or death, but I don't think that happens very often.
71
@54 and 65:

Mistress Matisse recently wrote a comment on the subject of breathplay, here. Basically, there are two schools of thought on breathplay in the BDSM community: one that holds that it can be done more or less safely, and one that holds it's a flat-out bad idea. Being the risk-averse, brain-cell-hoarding worrywart that I am, I fall into the latter camp. Of course, that's just my two cents, what the hell do I know, et cetera et cetera.
72
And by "comment," I meant "column." DAMN IT.
73
Dan is right, break up Stuck. I dated a man who was a virgin when we met for 5 years. I knew he wanted to sleep with other people. Conveniently for us both, I fell out of love with him and wanted him to sleep with other people. We broke up, and he had his three years of debauchery, and is now in a happy committed relationship with someone else, after having plowed through scores of chicks.
Sure, he realized that what we had was amazing and he probably should have wanted to marry me when we were together, and that probably sucked, but in the end I'm happy, he's happy, and thank goodness, he won't be running out on his future wife when she's pregnant to go sow his wild oats.
Sow away. Before marriage, before kids.
74
ps choking is bad because breath play can be extremely dangerous - ie death - if it goes too far. Some people get off on that, while others find the risks of death or brain damage or coma sexually unappealing.
75
@46 -- Very eloquently written. More often than not, when I hear people getting preachy about how unrealistic monogamy is, I end up thinking: wow, grow up. I understand that only having sex with one person "goes against our primal natures" or whatever, but so does a LOT of stuff that I think we could all agree makes society more livable. And at some point, maturity needs to be factored into the equation as well. From my perspective, if you want to be with someone, BE with that person, and if you'd rather fuck other people, LEAVE the relationship and go fuck other people. Just be an adult and decide what you want.

Or maybe we should all just fuck everyone who looks even remotely fuckable and spend all day gorging on junk food because it feels good.

Priorities, people.
76
"My guy wants to come in my mouth. I am fine with the act, but he produces a high volume of ejaculate..."

He won't ejaculate as much if he had an orgasm a few hours before. If he hasn't come in a few days, he'll have more stored up.
77
@75, what if two people love each other and want to spend their lives together, but they still want to play tennis with other people from time to time? Is that allowed? Or would that open the door to some crazy universe where they play tennis with anyone who looks like they might know which end of the racket is up? Plus, they spend all day gorging on junk food, because that's really relevant.
78
@75 - well, thankfully, some of us out here recognize that there is room for a happy medium between "fuck only one person for the rest of your days on earth" and "fuck everyone who looks even remotely fuckable". And that being a little restless sexually doesn't always have to mean it's time to leave someone you love behind forever. And that sometimes "being an adult" can accommodate having a relationship with one person while occasionally engaging in some play with someone else (safely, and with all parties aware and consenting).

We have our priorities, thanks, and we're doing just fine. We've just arrived at a different place than you have.
79
@ EricaP -- Shouldn't you be busy having a better, more enlightened sex life than everyone else?
80
Funny column. Especially like the last response.
81
@EricaP, you come as condescending, like as a woman in a monogamous relationship, I'm wrong. I'm seriously glad you're happy with your open relationship, but that doesn't make all other forms of relationships wrong. Sure, I know my boyfriend thinks about fucking other people. I know I do (and yes, woman do too. It's not ONLY men). I think about it, he thinks about it, and then I think about it, and then we think about each other. We are very open with each other about these feelings. We both had a couple years of playing around and it wasn't fulfilling. I have never enjoyed sex more with anyone else and he feels the same way. That's okay. Quit pushing your life style choices on others!! You aren't better than monogamous couple or "more evolved" like so many polyamorous and open people. Everyone has a right to find their own happiness, just like you!!!
82
*They THINK their more evolved.* I was super annoyed when I wrote this. Sorry!
83
@75: Except that some people want non-monogamous relationships. It has nothing to do with "maturity," it's just a preference.

@66: She gets turned on by being ignored, as if he doesn't care about her. It's a form of being demeaned or humiliated. In BDSM scenes, it's often the sub who decides what he or she wants, plans it out, and asks the dom to go along with it.
84
#8, try Nofauxxx...

#19, how do you know this about newbienudes? I've been a member there for five years and have given them my credit number too. but I've never had issues with their business practices.
85
Definitely agree with Dan's response to BBP! My husband and I had some great (and much more frequent than usual) sex while on vacation in Spain. This is surely in part because we were less busy and more relaxed than we are during our regular working lives, but he also attributes his increased desire to being out and about amongst a bunch of highly attractive, scantily clad young Barcelonan women. All that eye candy definitely worked up his appetite and he'd pounce me almost daily the moment we got back to our hotel room. I had no problem with him looking, because I got to reap the benefits, so I feel grateful to all those sexy senoritas who helped make our vacation extra enjoyable!
86
I too do not enjoy swallowing, we've basically worked it out by me finishing with my hand OR even better, titty fucking. Works like a charm and I don't have to swallow shit! or come
87
@79 and 81-- I'm not trying to put down your life, I'm trying to speak to guys who are cheating on their partners rather than telling them the truth. Since your partners are happily monogamous -- more power to you. Go enjoy your happy lives!

88
"Sword fights, adoptions, pets, Mistresses, faux-incest/pseudo-bestiality role-playing games—a lot has changed at Liberty University since I was an undergrad."

Line of the year (so far).
89
@86, if your blowjobs lead to swallowing shit, I think you're doing it wrong...
90
Agree with 34 about Stuck. It sounds like they aren't very compatible anyway, but just because you're suddenly single doesn't mean you get the wild monkey sex you want, with the people you want all the time. It doesn't really sound to me like he wants to never be monogamous, just that he wishes he could've started his long term monogamous relationship later in life. He'll just have to eat the grass and see.
91
@8, seeing as you're Canadian, maybe you'll find this article interesting:

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/fami…

I usually find this journalist to be on the annoying/misogynist side, but this one isn't too bad.
92
@ Doctor Darcy

Did you even consider that it could have been Robin who asked EPL to be the pet? I think you're being highly condescending considering that you don't have all of the information about their relationship. She may have had an interest in Jennifer but it doesn't mean that she didn't care about Robin who was also her "mother". After all, she did ask if she should just wait until Robin decides to allow the relationship again, so it sounds as if Robin had told Jennifer to tell her to end the pet/mistress relationship for the time.
93
Completely agree with 64... I had a completely misguided relationship with someone who allayed his insecurities through an over-dependence on conventional (and possibly exploitative, since we're talking about it) straight porn. Thankfully I realized he was a d-bag and kicked him to the curb, but not before he had left me with a pile of my own insecurities about physical quirks which neither I nor any of my lovers had ever thought to question before, and which took an irritating (read: greater than zero) amount of time to work through. Never again! There's porn watching, and then there's porn watching, and I agree that Dan might not always be as sensitive as he could be to the difference between the two. Fascinating point about the possible gay/straight porn divide, 64, I'd never thought of it that way.
94
@ 24 google LARP. They're a group of people who like to sew corsets, make foam swords, then go camping and run around in costumes chasing each other through the woods and beating each other up. Honestly, it's awesome fun, makes you feel like a kid again. Obviously, it attracts people from a certain demographic, mainly pagan feminists, history majors, geeks, and BDSM enthusiasts.
Some of the groups are boring and weird, and others are interesting and fun. Two of the best I'm familiar with are SCA (society for creative anachromism), which is the most well-known and historically accurate, and Underworld, which is a Toronto-based, fantasy oriented version that's a little more physically rough and tough (you sleep in your chainmail with one eye open, unlike other games where fighting ends at dusk).

for more informations go check out
http://www.sca.org/
http://www.underworldlarp.ca/
95
@74 when people say they're into "choking" during sex, are most of them talking about breathplay? My sense is no. Whenever I've been "choked" during sex, it wasn't hard enough to affect breathing or speech at all. I wouldn't enjoy someone "playing" with my ability to breath for even a second, but it's quite possible to put a little bit of pressure on someone's neck without actually cutting off breath. Just like you can tie someone's wrists without cutting off their circulation, etc. I do believe it could be dangerous of the dominant partner is drunk, doesn't know his own strength, or can't be trusted to make sure he's not *really* choking you.
96
Lawrence fan @95

You don't need to actually cut off breath to cut off oxygen to the brain. Applying even gentle pressure will do that, and while this is unlikely to kill you, it can easily cause minor brain damage. If it's a regular part of your sex life, you can accrue more serious brain damage over time. A person can weigh the risks and benefits of choking and decide that the benefits win the day, but it is never a safe activity. There's a reason why it's possible to knock someone out by applying pressure to the neck while not cutting off their breath.
97
@96 Wrong, you need enough pressure to cut off blood flow to the brain for long enough for the brain to use all the oxygen it currently has. This is very unlikely to happen from gentle pressure.

I'm not going to downplay the risks of real breathplay or carotid massage (cutting off the blood flow to the brain) and I won't wade into the debate on whether it can be done safely. However rough play around the neck is not the same thing and is very unlikely to have any long lasting effects if done in a reasonable manner.
98
EricaP (@69)...

Your intention is good. In human services it's called "meeting people where they're at," and it's a very respectful way to help empower people to help themselves. However, your execution is flawed.... you're actually meeting people where you assume they're at, which is actually where you are at, which is actually the opposite of meeting people where they're at.
99
@97

No, gentle pressure can cause minor brain damage (and all gentle pressure to the neck restricts blood flow to the brain). What actually knocks a person out faster than oxygen deprivation is glucose deprivation, and both of these happen very, very quickly--with glucose, 3-4 seconds is all it takes. You don't actually have to lose consciousness to be at a risk for brain damage, and you don't have to completely cut off blood flow to hurt the brain. You are statistically unlikely to suffer noticeable brain damage from one instance of rough play around the neck, but if you do it a lot it will probably build up over time. People are free to try and do it in a reasonable manner, but since it's actually quite difficult to control this type of thing, it is an inherently unsafe activity. If you choose to do it, you should do it infrequently. There is a reason why Dan classifies all choking as "never a good idea." There is also the risk, however gentle the choking may be, that a person will lose control and cause serious damage or death. Since choking can escalate from relatively harmless to dangerous in a split second, the danger lies in the fact that a person need not lose total control for more than a moment to cause serious problems. It's sort of like leaving a tied-up person alone--always a poor idea, even if nothing actually goes wrong. Will you suffer brain damage, even minor damage, from rough play around the neck? There's a good chance you won't, from one instance alone. But it's a dangerous activity nonetheless. I realize this post is not very well written (caffeine taking awhile to kick in this morning), and I'm not trying to say that rough neck play will always hurt you, because it won't. But your cost-benefit analysis, if you are considering gentle choking, really ought to take into account the fact that you can very easily be hurt, and very quickly, with even gentle pressure. And, after all, you've only got the one brain.
100
Note: I kept going back over and over this to add disclaimers. It'll probably still annoy folks. Oh well.

I am always baffled by the seeming truth that there are more low-sex-drive women than men. I mean, I believe it based on overwhelming evidence, but it seems so counterintuitive (and yes, I'm going from the relatively small sample set of myself, my sisters and mom--yeah, I wish I didn't know that, but we're a TMI family on the female side--and all my female friends, so a highly flawed set since I probably tend to hang out with women who are similar to me, just by the way friendships work). But . . . but . . . many if not most women have the *ability* (whether they're actually doing it more than once a day, or not, the plumbing is there) to be repeatedly if not multiorgasmic and have no refractory period. Even my highly-sexed 25-year-old boyfriend has never come more than 9 times in a day (and that was a highly atypical day, never repeated), and usually requires up to an hour before he's ready to go again . . . and once he taps out, he taps out. He's done. Women never need to be done. And yes, this assumes you know your body, like orgasms, have a willing partner, and don't get sore, overstimulated, or cranky, and NCIS isn't on. But still. Is it that weird?