Savage Love

All About the Benjamins

Comments

1
And here's to you, Mrs. Robinson...

Damn woman, good luck with the college dude hook-up thingy.

2
That probably should be "damn, woman"
3
My experience is that lots of people (myself included) really enjoy jacking/jilling off with an "assist" - sucking nipples, anal/vaginal fingering, pressing on the taint, playing with balls, whatever. Not only is it great when one partner is tired and the other is super horny, it's a nice way to add some variety. Plus there's something really intimate about watching your partner get him/herself off.
4
Sweet.
5
Dan, you might want to fix that link at the end of your column -- parenthood.org isn't the same as istandwithplannedparenthood.org
Otherwise great column, thanks.
7
MSRB: I suggest you visit a college town. In fact,I suggest one of the largest universities in the country: Madison Wisconsin. There are tens of thousands of people gathering around the capitol there every day lately. Most of them are not college age, but there are tons that are. And you would know that not only was your pick-up someone morally worthy of your ass, you would be doing democracy a favor as well. Win-win!
8
For MRSB, sites where the men have paid to be there (like AdultFriendFinder) have many fewer flakes. The guys there are motivated. Many are good looking, and they're not looking for anything long-term. I'd add to Dan's safety advice that if the person isn't googleable and/or won't give you his facebook info, I'd move on to the next cute hunk. You're a hot commodity, so you don't have to play even-stevens. You can give a fake name until after the meet-up in public, and only give him your real name after you trust that he's a good person.
9
It's sort of depressing, hearing about all these "extremely attractive" people having mind-blowing sex. Nice for them and i certainly wouldn't want to take it away from anybody, but there's a painful subtext here: Hot people get great sex, but un-hot people (and that's most of us) pretty much don't. Unless you can stomach paying for it. Anything to say about that, Dan? Probably not. There's not much to say. A bitter fact of life i guess.
10
If Mrs R and her husband get one thosaund brownie points for doing things the right way, how many does she give back by insisting on a *gorgeous* partner for her romp? Had she gone for, say, high-end cute, I'd feel so much better about the chances of it all turning out well.
11
Aargh - thousand. It must be later than I think.

And do 24-year-olds who date girls deserve GGG partners?
12
Oh how awful. Having to wait an entire night to have sex? And your tired partner not even wanting to lend a begrudging hand or mouth? Of course she was still awake– her partner was masturbating beside her then whinging about it afterwards. Grow up. Being GGG is about being open to new experiences and straightforward with your feelings and preferences, not about being perpetually on-call.
13
re: FEEBLE, I don't necessarily agree with Dan here. If his partner is really tired and feels the need to fall asleep, rousing herself enough to play with her partner's asshole or talk dirty to him will possibly take more of her energy than lying back and having him fuck her. She's just not up for it. Yes, it's early and young for both of them, but when she's trying to get herself off to lalaland, guilt-induced sex despite the promise (and delivery) of good sex tomorrow isn't going to help her get the zzzs she might need to fuck him right tomorrow.
14
FEEBLE:
Guys have no excuse to be PMSing like that. You got laid the next day, so what's the problem? Passive-aggressively complaining that Palmela Handerson wasn't good enough is just going to piss off your girlfriend. Seriously, deal with it, like #12 says.
15
@9 Attitude + discipline = "hot." You need to take steps to actually make yourself look good (in a way that you think looks good), and then project your own confidence in yourself. I've had the same style for the last three years, but it wasn't until I finally started dropping weight (for myself) and feeling more confident that my sex life started improving. I never get "beautiful," but I always get "sexy." Don't whine if you're not getting good sex - you're not looking in the right place.
16
Recently I've been with a man who doesn't need much sleep, and it can be AWFUL. I like sex just as much as he does, and we have a lot of it, but man, I need eight hours of sleep. I have a very technical job and if I get behind on sleep I am screwed for days. So I've learned to just say: "We're sleeping now," when he pulls that shit. If he persists, I just say: "Look, you like being with me? You have to let me sleep, or it's over."

Brutal, but effective.
17
I suggest Mrs. Robinson check out OkCupid.com. It worked for me!
18
I suggest Mrs. Robinson check out OkCupid.com. It worked for me!
19
I must be Alien. Even when I was 24, one week was NOT a long time to go without sex. Jesus
20
If Mrs. Robinson doesn't have luck with the flood of email messages I expect her to get, she can always try OkCupid.com- it worked for me!
21
I may be old school, but one place to meet college boys might be, uh, college. Surely they have basketball teams in the Pacific Northwest. Surely college boys go out to the bar after said basketball games. And surely alumni do as well. So, get some school colors and you and the hubby can hit up the local watering holes after the game.

If you're patient, this will likely work even better during football season.
22
@9 it's not about being hot. It's about feeling hot. There's a reason bbw porn exists - the women there are totally comfortable with their plus size (sometimes really plus size) bodies, and feel sexy and confident. You don't need to change your pants size, you need to change your attitude.
23
So much trouble. Go to a freaking bar near a college and get laid, Mrs Robinson. Jeasis freyking xhryst how hard can it be for a chick to get laid, even over 40?
24
wtf??? why is everyone assuming that poster #9 is female and BBW? weight was not mentioned.
25
Dan, Dan! You did publish her e-mail address! Have you no fear of your lawyer?...

OK, let's hope there are no Ted Bundies reading your column. There aren't, are there? Are there?...
26
Hi, @9 here, thanks for your comments! Interesting indeed, the assumption that I'm a BBW. I'm not fat, though I am female. I'm thin but just kind of homely. I've always had trouble getting attention from guys. The guys who show interest are the ones who think they can't do any better, you know? They talk to me but all the while glancing around at the better girls they can't have. It's an awful feeling. I've made passes at attractive people, but all I've gotten from that is horrified looks. We all learn where we rank fairly early in life, don't you think?
27
@23, that can be pretty complicated by itself. And being afraid of strangers is not exactly stupid in today's world. Even for men, let alone women, over 40 or not.
28
@26, Lourdes, have you spoken to a therapist about these concerns? Or to a friend, just to get a reality check? Many, many people think they are homely, when everyone else thinks they're normal. And when they get rejected in love, they think it's because of their looks, when really it's just that most people who make passes get rejected most of the time.
29
I know if I'm horny/tired and the BF is not or is sleepy I have my vib. That's a non-issue. Same goes for him; he's got a hand and a 'net full of porn. I don't think guilting the weary party into 'helping out' will do anything but cause resentment. I know I'd get annoyed pretty quick.
30
@9, 26: I empathize with your situation. I have some thoughts.

First of all, on making passes at attractive people: well done, and do give yourself credit for stepping out and taking that risk. Not everyone does. That's the kernel of courage you know you have, and that you can build on.

Second, don't waste time with the guys who are looking around at all the supposedly better girls. Expect better yourself, and don't settle. Meanwhile, your gut is telling you something: it's not about the looking around but about the power dynamic behind it. In a healthy relationship both parties can look around and admire without undermining the relationship. And after a point, the story becomes "they may look attractive, and possibly are awesome in bed. whatever! meanwhile I'm getting totally awesome sex with my sweetie."

Third, don't waste time with people (partners or friends) who brag about their sex lives. Good people having good sex are gracious enough not to brag about it. And in your situation (i.e. the situation you describe yourself in) it's an unnecessary source of distress. The world around us is, sadly, ungracious in this respect: all those movies and tv shows and adverts and internet that tell us we're getting too little. Yes, sex is good and all, but cultivate a filter to block out the aggressive messaging. That aggressive messaging has its roots in insecurity, and you don't need to let other people pawn off their own insecurity on you.

Fourth, when you contemplate your sex life/history, and start to feel that you have been dealt a bad hand: it's appropriate to have some compassion for yourself. Acknowledge any sadness you may have. Allow yourself to feel the sadness, and at the same time hold yourself in love. It is useful distinguish self-compassion (healthy) from self-pity (not healthy).

Fifth, look up "kitten lion mirror" in Google images. It resonates with me -- maybe with you too?

Sixth, identify the places in your life where you feel particularly good about yourself. What is your milieu? Where are you naturally happy? What activities capture your complete and joyful attention? Maybe right now there are only one or two small corners of your life where you feel that, or maybe several. Whatever it is, be there more! Invest in those parts of your life, and the people you find there.

Seventh, spend time with people who accept and reject advances gracefully and lovingly. Horrified looks come from people who are not secure in themselves and not secure in their capacity to say yes or no. Read "The Ethical Slut". Making a pass at someone: is that an act of giving or an act of taking? Meditate on that question. Come to your own understanding of what that means.

Do all of those things, and you may still have to be patient, but you'll be in the right place, and you'll know what to do when the time comes.

31
@23, that can be pretty complicated by itself. And being afraid of strangers is not exactly stupid in today's world. Even for men, let alone women, over 40 or not.
32
@26, I actually understand your concern. There often seems to be a 'stock exchange market' in looks, where people evaluate each other by their looks and decide what each others' "net worth" is.

But here is the thing (coming from someone who also always thought he was kinda homely, and who got his share of horrified looks and rejections): it's not just the genetic side (not just the face, the hair, the body shape, the color of the skin, the teeth, the eyes, the lips, the breasts, the ass, you name it); your attitude counts for a lot.

We've all seen those 'strange couples', the kind that makes others say 'what did she see in him?' or 'what did he see in her?'. While this also confirms the 'stock exchange market' approach to pairing (or else why would people be surprised at all?), it certainly also shows that it's not all in the looks.

Mata Hari was a very successful woman in terms of attracting interested males. She actually based her career, both as a dancer and as a spy, on that. Yet when I look at her my first impression is that she is quite homely (her appearance looks more like her real name, Margaretha Geertruida, than like 'Mata Hari', the 'Eye of the Day'); if I saw her walking by in plain clothes I wouldn't look twice. Still, she had charm and sex appeal (other words for the not-physical-appearance-related part of the attraction power that people can have).

Which means that things aren't simple. They never are in real life, are they?

A final note: you say about the guys that do hit on you that they seem to be the kind who thinks they can't do better. Do you also think so? Is it only they who look at other women when sitting with you (a phenomenon, by the way, well known to women in general, even pretty ones; men's eyes are easily led astray), or do you also consider other men around and sigh, thinking about the one sitting in front of you? Usually it goes both ways...
33
@EricaP: There are real people that can't give facebook info because they don't have a facebook profil. Yes, in 2011, there still are a few.
34
FEEBLE, fuck yourself. Literally, as you just did. I mean, a week of no sex! Only God knows how you haven't died from Sheer Lack of Action (a well-known medical condition ... ask your doctor).

Does it matter if your girlfriend was exhausted, or just tired, or just not in the mood? Does it matter you both had a good reason just to relax and have a good night's sleep?

She didn't want to have sex, and amazingly, she even made it up to you later. You should be fucking thanking the gods she went ahead with fucking you the next day after you self-importantly informed her on your "difficulty."

I'm just a year older than you and I'm disgusted by your idea of hardship in a relationship. I believe in being a helpful, GGG partner, but seriously, a week? She's a person. She has other shit to do sometimes.

Here's hoping you learn what an asshole move you pulled, and that you grow the hell up so you don't lose this "amazing" girl.
35
@26 You prefer attractive people over homely people, but are upset that attractive people have the same standards you do? Hypocrisy much? The truth is, very people are irreversibly homely; they just don't realize attractiveness can be dramatically changed with effort, or don't care to put forth the effort.

So, you can decide to be fine with homely people. Or, if you really do have a preference for attractive people, you can do what attractive people do: Eat well, go to the gym, acquire clothing that looks good on you, and learn to properly apply makeup and do it every day before you leave the house. Or, you can continue to go through life overlooking less-attractive people while being mad that you're overlooked because you feel you're less attractive. But make no mistake - your problem then is you're acting the same as the people you're mad about.

@9 In my experience, the odds that a couple of homely people have great sex is much higher than the odds that a couple of very attractive people do. Of course, in order to be in a couple with a homely person, you have to stop focusing on very attractive people.

@31 If stranger on the internet is OK, stranger in the bar should be OK - judgment is the key in both cases.
36
Here, let me fix that last letter's sign off: "My Body, My Choice...YOUR FUCKING TAX MONEY, SUCKER!"

Lady, if you want to have pills so you can fuck people, check up on your lady bits, etc. why the hell am I supposed to pay for that?

And if I am, guess what? I get to start imposing some conditions on the practice.

Much like farmers who complain about Big Guvmint, but happily cash those subsidy checks, you take my goddam money, and them get all bitchy and whiny if I (gasp!) reconsider that practice at a time when the government is spending way too much on all sorts of shit, much of which is more important than your goddam birth control pills.

Oh, and I voted for Obama, never watch Fox and don't believe in god, so spare me the "right wingnut" rejoinders, m'kay?
37
A couple weeks ago in this column the middle age man got grief for wanting to screw around with younger women. He deserved the grief because it appeared that he wasn't trying to enliven his relationship with his middle aged wife. However, he also generated tons of comments about how the young baristas were skeeved out by getting hit on by older men and how it was a boorish mid life crisis.

So why are the comments about a middle aged woman trying to hit on younger men so positive? Sure its positive that the husband and wife worked on this together. But isn't it still an old fart assuming that younger people, much less beautiful younger people, are automatically attracted to them? Isn't this just another mid life crisis?
38
@9 (and to reitarate @35) people who aern't totally hot are more likely to be willing to put more effort into sex to make it awesome, whereas some super-hot folks might just assuem that whoever their fucking is just plain lucky that they're there. :)
39
"@9 it's not about being hot. It's about feeling hot. There's a reason bbw porn exists - the women there are totally comfortable with their plus size (sometimes really plus size) bodies, and feel sexy and confident. You don't need to change your pants size, you need to change your attitude."

Yeah, because nothing makes a guy hot like seeing the confidence shimmy by in a tight dress.

/eyeroll

Ladies, tough truth: guys find tits, ass, flat stomachs, etc. hot. Your confidence is way, way down on the list of things we want. In all my years, I never, ever heard a guy say of his current sex partner, "And man, you should SEE the confidence on her! Yowza!"

But hey, if you want to keep telling yourself that self-esteem is what Playboy, Hustler, Oui, etc. were selling all those years, feel free. Just don't expect me to agree. And those guys who are all "Yeah, you go girl! Confidence is important!", well, they lie.

Don't be all butthurt, gals. I am just helping you get over the lies. Oh, and guys, yeah, size does matter. Accept it.
40
DAN!!!
Fix the istandwithplannedparenthood.org link!!!

It now takes you to a site called parenthood.org. This "online community" has a link to a page called STOPplannedparenthood.org. Not where you want to be sending people....
41
37: Spot on. Middle-aged women who hit on guys twenty years younger are not as hot as they think they are, in most cases. And compared to a twenty year old gal, well, there is typically no comparison.

When you realize that friendly woman your mom's age sitting next to you in Econ 203 class is hitting on you, it kind of grosses you out.

Even if she is hot, it is still "hot for her age", meaning she is sporting crows' feet and cellulite, which is arresting when you are used to tight, smooth skin. If the gal is married to boot, the whole thing would be even more off-putting.

The gal should do what some suggest here and go directly to websites geared for this sort of thing.
42
It's so disheartening to see that the Fox News footage of "Madison" has palm trees in the background. Seriously, how do they get away with that? Sometimes we (or maybe it's just me) need a reminder not to get too down over it. It's too absurd. Thanks Dan.
43
@37 I think the difference is in the letter writers' attitudes. The old married dude spoke with a tone that essentially said, "I think I'm so awesome that my wife should be doing all the work to keep it interesting and, if she doesn't, I'll just dump her and dive into the world of young pussy that I KNOW awaits me if I leave her." Cocky much? People (myself included) reacted negatively to older guy wanting younger chicks because his letter basically said, "Hi...I want to DIVORCE MY WIFE and go after younger chicks because my WHOLE FAMILY is effing BORING." He referred to hanging out with his kids as a mundane task. He didn't really make it seem like he was putting forth any effort at all. And, again, he was going to divorce his wife to be with these younger women. That's vastly different than saying, "I love you, honey, but I'd like to bone a young stud." The lady's letter is about a couple's cooperation to make their sex life awesome together. If you read all the comments on that thread in response to the older dude, you'd see that several people suggest he do the same--ask his wife if they could bone other people openly. That takes care of any perceived double standard. Their problems aren't the same just because they want to go out and bone younger folk. Their problems--and people's attitudes towards their problems--are vastly different because of the way they're going about it. Also, no one ever reacts well to arrogant assholes.
44
IMHO both men and women usually at some point get a little age-gap curiousity. But women generally get hit on by older men all the time and the novelty wears off by the time they're about 17 or 18. Guys don't usually get that kind of attention until they finally finish puberty and put on a bit of muscle, so around college age. He's way more likely to try it out just to see how it is and check off that box. And just to tell his buddies he did.

Yeah he'd probably rather get with the slamming hottie who sits in front of him in Econ and spends the whole time on her iPhone but you know what? There's all semester to get to that. That's the beauty of college.
45
@36 and how many of us ladies have been on health insurance policies that screw us over on birth control pills while our monthly payments subsidize your viagra?

Whether you're the parent or the tax-payer: birth control pills are cheaper than unwanted babies. Pap smears are cheaper than cervical cancer. Preventive care is actually really cost effective, there are few better uses of taxpayer money, but maybe the specter of LADYBITS receiving preventive care is what's freaking you out.

I don't think you're a wingnut, just a sexist who probably doesn't even realize it.
46
omg, her inbox (& eventually her box box) is going to be flooded!

Ms R has nothing to worry about. Like someone pointed out before, she is the prize; not the young stud. For every horny wife there are 10 young studs looking looking for a piece. Throw in the NSA factor (since she is happily married there is virtually no chance she will want a relationship) & you will have a line of guys wainting their turn. Hey, there's a fantasy right there!
47
I agree with @45!
48
@39

Some men believe women are people, rather than a collection of independently attractive body parts. Many of these men also find confidence attractive.
49
wait ... if those issues don't just affect straight people, why is it straights rights watch?
50
Oh, and I voted for Obama, never watch Fox and don't believe in god, so spare me the "right wingnut" rejoinders, m'kay?

Based on this and your subsequent comment, I won't call you a "right wingnut." How does "misogynist asshole" work for you? Or maybe "sexist bastard." Possibly "woman-hating prat." Or would you prefer something else?

The right doesn't have a monopoly on any of those, there are plenty on the left and in the middle.
51
I'm a homely gay guy -- talk about handicap! -- but I learned a long time ago that looks aren't everything. Personality counts for a lot, and attitude, and a sense of humor--*especially* about myself. (Forget who said it, but if you can't laugh at yourself, other people will take up the slack, and you won't enjoy it as much.) Not that I don't still get rejected a lot, but it's more likely to be "No thank you" rather than horrified looks -- and I've also been pleasantly surprised more than once.

@38 -- exactly!
52
I Love You :-). Will You Marry Me?
53
FEEBLE's girlfriend should offer him mammary sex. It requires little effort on the woman's part, and is a good alternative when you just don't feel like having sex, for whatever reason.
54
Yeah, Planned Parenthood didn't get any funding, but do you know who did? NASCAR. That's right NASCAR.
55
@36 You should pay for it because giving them the pills is much, much cheaper than having them get pregnant.

@37 It's different because the ratio of middle-aged men who would like to get with a younger woman compared to the number of younger women who would like to get with a middle-aged man is far, far higher than the ration of middle-aged women who would like to get with a younger man compared to the number of younger men who would be happy to get with that middle-aged woman.

Also, women in general are more skeeved out about being hit on by men in general, especially in unfamiliar circumstances, regardless of age, where as most times if a women this up a strange man, the answer is "Yes, please."
56
@33 Yes, some people don't have facebook, and aren't what I call googleable because their picture doesn't show up connected with their work in any way.

For safety reasons, I don't meet those people. I want an NSA guy to know that my husband will be able to find him if there's any trouble.
57
MBMC - I'm so happy that you found a government handout that you like.

Now please get a job and stop mooching of the rest of us.
58
Dan: I've been getting tested at the Howard Brown Youth Center since I was sixteen years old. Nowhere else in the city of Chicago is there both a welcoming environment with free STI testing. Now, I'm certain you're familiar with Howard Brown, their projects, and their recent financial troubles. For the help they've given me they're both dear to my heart and the heart of my heterosexual boyfriend.

If Howard Brown has helped me, a heterosexual female, I beg of you to realize that health is not a sexual issue. Planned Parenthood has been a service to myself, of course, but also to many of my lesbian friends.

Dan, health and access are not an issue of sexual identification. They're needed by everyone.

Thanks.
59
@45 There is no reason to expect health insurance to cover birth control for contraceptive purposes. Health insurance is meant to cover treatments for injury and illness. Ability to get pregnant is not an injury or illness. Not being able to get it up is.

A better analogy would be that if health insurance is going to cover Viagra, it should also cover fertility treatments, as inability to bear children IS an illness.

That said, I would think it's much cheaper for a health insurance plan to pay for birth control than to pay for pregnancies, so don't understand why birth control isn't readily covered as a cost-saving measure.
60
I never understand men that bitch about birth control issues as just being about women. Sure, we have the babies, but last time I check there was a man that was just as equally responsible for the pregnancy. So, she may be taking the birth control pills, but it's benefiting at least one man, if not many -- it really is an issue that affects a lot of people, not just straight chicks (and that's before getting into the argument that it just saves a lot of money in the longrun as bc pills are waaaaay cheaper than unwanted children).
61
Dollars to donuts Mrs. Robinson's letter was written by a man.
62
Can you sign the Planned Parenthood petition if you are a Canadian citizen? If so, how?
thanks
63
Thank you Dan for posting the Planned Parenthood petition link. I signed it IMMEDIATELY. I agree that PP provides much needed health care far beyond pregnancy prevention and the GOP is engaged in a total assault on women! GRR
64
@59

Health insurance is for health care, and everyone needs that. Preventative care falls under the heading of "health care," Also, pregnancy is for goddamn sure a major health issue! Without health care, you know how many fucking pregnant women would die? Especially when, you know, they have to do the whole giving birth thing? There is also the health of the child, which is kind of an important thing. Inability to get it up is not always an "illness," often it is just the result of time marching on. The same is true for a lot of women who can't get pregnant. All of these issues are health concerns, though, and, again, that is the point of health insurance--not what happens to fit various definitions of "illness." I agree with you that it's cost-effective to include birth control under health insurance, and it's true that following the why-pay-for-viagra-but-not-birth-control argument is a little weak under closer examination--but that argument is strictly meant to highlight the disparity between men's sexual health and women's.

Sorry for being a bit rude during this post--I get carried away when I've had too much caffeine :)
65
Is there a way to sign the Planned Parenthood petition if you are a Canadian Resident? If so, how? Thanks.
66
If MSRB wants to meet someone in the Pacific Northwest, she'll pretty much have to do it online. That's the only way they communicate. (Ex-Seattlite here)
67
thank you PROFUSELY for the term "yentapimp".
68
FEEBLE should be careful. I consider myself GGG and will happily "assist" my partner if he is horny and I am tired or disinterested. As a woman, just letting him have sex with me is the easiest method. However, one must not let this happen too often. 1) the sleepy partner will eventually come to resent the situation, 2) the eager partner can slip into skipping steps (e.g. foreplay...) and 3) mediocre sex is just not good for a loving relationship.

The right birth control, sufficient sleep, a clean house, and healthy habits will work wonders to improve your woman's sexual appetite. Trust me.
69
For all the dudes whining abuot the "older women" hitting on them, and how gross crows feet and wrinkles are....BOYS, and I do mean BOYS, I assure you, you are missing out. I am 38 and sooooo much better in bed then I was when I was in my 20's and all body concious....And I bet Mrs. Robinson up there in her 40's is even better, as I hear it gets even more delightful in your 40's! I mean, to each their own, if you would trade dewy skin and timidity for a little bit looser skin and complete voraciousness and know how....well, I think its a foolish trade off, but, I prefer men my age as well.

And hell, I would much rather my tax money go to fund b/c then to support unwanted children for life. Duh. Which one do you think will save money in the long run? People are gonna fuck, like it or not. I agree with the poster above who wants to know why the right wing wants to ruin and be the moral police for every damned thing. Thats the question of the millenium right there.
70
Mr Savage: I love you so fucking much. You are a gem of a human bean.
71
LOL. Love you No.7. Support democracy, fuck protesters!
72
"After a very unsatisfying orgasm, I told her I understood her need to sleep, since we had an early engagement the next morning, but that this was difficult for me."

Seriously? "That was very difficult for me"?! I'd totally be on board with Dan's advice if you didn't come off as a passive aggressive asshat with that sentence. No wonder she was still awake, what with you huffing disappointedly in the corner. GGG != up for it at all times, and if my partner behaved so poorly on the unusual occasion that I turned him down, I wouldn't be too excited about giving an assist either.
73
Mrs Robinson, definitely give AdultFriendFinder a try. (Swinglifetyle.com and lifestylelounge.com are other possibilities.) A good-looking female playing solo is a hot commodity with guys of all ages. Get a feeling for the person's character first from their profile and email exchanges, maybe meet once in a public place without the expectation of play, then if it feels right, go for it! Most of the people I've met from AFF have been lovely. In fact I'm now nearly 2 years into a relationship with a wonderful man I found there for dirty NSA sex!
74
Thank you, My Body, My Choice! And thank you, Dan, for printing her letter and more information. Planned Parenthood helps women AND men, gay AND straight!
75
@69, FTW. There are plenty of women, both younger and older, who prefer older men. A frequent comment is that older men are less selfish and more patient than younger. So enjoy yourself, Mrs. R, but I bet you'll find that out for yourself.
76
Thank you so much Dan for giving a shout out to the people of WI. I spent two nights sleeping on the marble floors of the capital building and what I experienced there is something so amazing and wonderful I will treasure it for the rest of my life. True working class solidarity. Thanks for standing with us!

And BTW you rock!
77
No kidding, 42, the signs were right. Fox News IS lying about this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOqBpsh94…
78
@69 - You said, it girl! I love being 38. It's only been getting better and better since my early thirties. Voracious is right. You couldn't pay me to be 22 again...
79
But I am ethically non-monogomous in the Northwest, get laid all the time (with my wife's approval) and I have a little more advice for for Mrs. Robinson. If you are in Seattle or Portland, try Lustlab. It is a small-ish site (and is operated by The Stranger, Dan's paper!), and you have to pay, but it seems filled with real people who are pretty much who and what they say they are.

You might also try OK cupid. It is a main-stream dating site, but it is really good, and seems to be where the ethically non monogamous people hang out. Their website even supports the concept. For instance, married people looking are listed as "available". Once you answer enough match questions, all sorts of interesting people start to pop up.

btw, if you are curious, my lustlab profile name is ohthetrees

And you were crazy to put your email address out there! Good luck!
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The Walk for Choice Saturday February 26 was an international response to the attacks on abortion. The #dearjohn twitter campaign was an international "fuck you" to Boehner, with millions standing up vocally & forcefully for our rights. Mainstream media has ignored the Walk for Choice, so get active!

While taking away Planned Parenthood is insane, there are really things so much worse.

The House votes to fund contraceptives for wild horses on the same day Title X (Planned Parenthood) is de-funded and nothing.

There is a bill in the House that would allow hospitals to turn women away when they need life saving abortions.

"Forcible" rape becomes the language of a bill used to bar women from getting federal funds for abortion.

The Stupak on Steroids, HR 3, permanently changes legislative code to forever bar funding for abortions, even for servicewomen who work in an environment with a 1 in 3 chance of sexual assault, and a less than 10% conviction rate of perps. Without proving rape in that hostile environment (which is impossible because the military condones rapists), one cannot have an abortion, even if it's with her own money.

South Dakota put forth a law allowing "justifiable homicide" of abortion care providers.

Georgia lawmaker wants every miscarriage investigated as a homicide, suggesting women
1 - are responsible for natural miscarriages and
2 - women don't have a right to decide if & when they'll be pregnant.

Jump into the powerful campaign to send him photos of your monthly flow & male emissions that will never make babies, feel free to add crime scene tape to the photos, as you feel you may be unconsciously be committing homicide. http://www.rhrealitycheck.org/blog/2011/…
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@62
Yes you can & should! They voted to take away international funding for family planning services, services where $1 spent = $4 in savings. Just include as much info as you can!
82
@59

Listen, just because women can choose if & when to have babies doesn't mean birth control isn't health care. It is! Getting pregnant is a major health event. Preventing pregnancy is a health issue.

Quality of life is what all western medicine try to create.

83
@75 Actually, it's older men who are more selfish. Younger men are more giving, in my experience, tho it sounds like she has a GGG husband.
84
Thanks for another good column, Dan, and also for the Planned Parenthood shout-out! Sign it, ladies and gentlemen, and donate some cash if you are able. PLEASE.
85
Good luck, Mrs. Robinson! It sounds like you've got a winner of a supportive husband! Kudos!
86
@84: I second that, Anna in SF!!
87
In regards to MSRB: All fabulous advice, but just some clarification--FetLife is not really a hookup site; it's a BDSM community (think facebook for kinksters). Yes, some people use it for hookups, but really, that's not the attitude of most people on the site and those looking for hookups aren't as successful as on other sites.
88
@59 - you have to go to the doctor for it, a lot, they have to sew you up afterwards, and hopefully you can still hold your pee - pretty sure pregnancy is a health issue.
89
Many of these postings seem to assume that when straight old guys get tired and bored of tired and boring sex, the first thing they do is start to hit on juicy young things.

Yes, this is the cliche -- and for good reason. But there are a few of us who find women our own age sexy and pursue them like hound dawgs. They're a lot more likely to know what their own pleasure takes. They have the patience to makes it last for us both, and if you chose right they have the confidence and self-possession that comes from living as adults for awhile.

It's hard to avoid the suspicion that what actually turns on many older guys about these young babes is not the sex, but simply a power trip to their fragile egos.

But there are a few of us who don't take part in that. I'll never forget that the first knowledgeable and patient lover I ever had was 50.

Sure, go ahead and make fun of these old codgers who make fools of themselves chasing people in their 20s. But don't assume that every older guy who cares about great sex is perforce one of them.
90
@59 Not being able to get it up is not an illness or injury but a usually consequence of poor health in general and age and is in no way a detriment to the physical health of the person. Pregnancy is certainly detrimental to the health of the mother, it takes years off of your lifespan, can kill you, and generally shreds your genitals. ED treatment for mental health, ok, but not physical health. And usually mental health treatment is significantly limited by most health insurance. In terms of priorities? Birth control far outweighs the need for ED treatment, most people would agree. But old men make the rules. I bet you would see a baldness cure covered before you'd see universal birth control coverage.
91
hey dan, can we come up with a better name for the female equivalent of a cuckold fetishist than "hotwife"? uhg. this has been bothering me for awhile.
92
You'd be an awesome yentapimp though. Even though you are a PROFESSIONAL.
93
@ Lourdes (#9)
Naw, in traditional, main stream "hotness", I'm totally "unhot". I'm average looking in the face, have an ok body except my boobs are kinda not that great (really small with big nipples), and in all, I'm like totally a 6 or 7 on a good day.
That said, my sex life is smoking hot, and I consistently have awesome sex with people who are moderately traditionally attractive. Yeppers. It's all about forgetting what you look like and just appreciating how hot you look while you're doing it. And then getting into you know, actually doing it.
That said, in my eyes, me and my partners are fucking hot.
94
OHMIGOD.
Hi rich people. Here's the rationale for why you should pay for poorer people's preventative health care.

If you don't pay for their preventative health care, they get sick.

if you don't pay for them to get healthy/stay healthy, they can't work for you, and your company suffers. If you don't pay for them to stay healthy, we get epidemics that spread to rich people and make YOU SICK. You don't want to get sick? You want the economy to function? Then you pay for poor people's healthcare. When poor people can't pay for things (like healthcare, other bills because of healthcare bills) they commit crime out of necessity. You don't want to pay for my health care? Welcome to Typhoid Fever, Dysentry, Influenza, Cholera, Tuberculosis, Measles, and Crime.
95
#6 Sick of your SPAM
96
Mrs. Robinson, you might have an easier time than you realize.

I'm 48 years old, heavier than I would like to be, and I have luggage under my eyes. However, I am well groomed, attractive and personable.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to a younger friends birthday party at a dance club. 20 - somethings were approaching right and left to dance with me. Unlike "back in the day", they just start dirty dancing. If it weren't for my friend running interference, I'm sure I would have gotten up close and personal to several young men.

Last Saturday I went with my husband to a bar. He played in a band for about 2 hours. While he was on-stage, I must have had 8 guys approach me.

The benefit of meeting in person for me, is that there is less chance for rejection. If a guy isn't attracted, he won't approach me - no rejection. Last Saturday, a tall, gorgeous college student asked me to dance. There was no chemistry. The guy who was hottest in person may not have looked great in a photograph. He was big and thick - pure muscle, but he may not have photographed so well. He had a perfect teeth, a great personality - hot, hot hot.
97
Hi folks. I'm willing to risk the shit storm, so have at it, mmkay?

Not all Republicans are evil, greedy, and determined to take away all your perceived rights. Just like not all Democrats are convinced that all people everywhere should have the exact same amount of money and privilege regardless of personal contributions.

I know this isn't the right forum - hell, this is one of the least friendly sites for conservatives out there - but how about if those of you criticizing conservatives for their "evil ways" practice what you preach and allow us to have our opinions. Just because we might disagree with some of your views doesn't make us evil, just like being gay, which is different than the majority of human beings, doesn't make Dan evil.

Big Brother isn't a function of conservatives. It's a function of the Politically Correct folks who want to jam opinions down everyone elses' throats, and punish detractors. We can disagree as long as we all play nice, on BOTH sides.
98
Planned Parenthood is an amazing place for its educational and medical services. However.. is it really fair to be paying for free birth control to women for life, as opposed to maybe...hey, I couldn't afford it this month, let me go to PP? As we all know, some people will take advantage of what is free forever as long as they can get away with it. Sexual health and the products/services/prescriptions that go with that should be factored into expenses from a personal level. And like most things, if you can't afford it, go the cheaper route i.e. condoms.
99
@H2, if you are traditionally "totally unhot," and average-looking in the face and body, you are a 5-6. 5 is "average." 6 is "cute." 7 is "pretty."

That said, you are right--looks alone really don't play into it. A lot of people just project charisma--if they're fun, flirty, and confident (dressing well also helps), the can get all sorts of people interested in them. And they tend to have great sex with whoever they go home with. I know a guy who is quite good looking and tends to shack up with extremely pretty girls--but there have been a few girls among his exes who were average at best. Looking at photos of them, and knowing his general preferences, I asked about it, and he said that yeah, maybe Lara or Nicole weren't picture-pretty, but they had an energy about them, and were smart and fun and outgoing, and that made them interesting and attractive to him. And this is from a self-professed shallow guy who says his type is "hot. just hot" in most cases.

(And this goes for ALL self-proclaimed high-standards horndogs I know--even if they generally go for "model-pretty" not a one of them doesn't have a few "average" girls in their history that they still speak of fondly because of how "fun and interesting and charismatic" they were, and often these are the girls they wanted to date more seriously. And when I say "average" I don't mean a 7, I don't mean "pretty cute," I mean really quite unprepossessing-looking.)

On the other hand, I know a number of really very pretty girls (cute faces, nice figures) who are shy, who hide behind their hair, who aren't very social or outgoing, who hang back and are stilted and awkward in company--and they don't get much play at all.

You really have to be either a 10 or a 1 to totally succeed or fail in the dating pool based only on your looks.
100
Methinks Mrs. "very attractive" Robinson is not going to have to wait long to fulfill her fantasy. Good for her!

FEEBLE is 24 years old and the girlfriend is already stretching it out to a week at a time? LMFAO: This kid has no fucking clue. None. FEEBLE: Your once a week girlfriend is going to turn into a once every 2 months wife- if you are lucky. If not it will be twice a year. Run, don't walk for the exit. I promise you your life with this girl will be daily hell. Sure you can make the quality over quantity argument but I am not aware of when fucking a 24 year old girlfriend can be anything but "great." I started my marriage- like just about every couple does- fucking like rabbits. We didn't miss a day for over a year so it is significant that 15 years later- just today- I finally decided to go for it: I am going to duck tape a fleshlight to my loving and affectionate Labradoodle.

101
MRS ROBINSON IS A FAKE!!!
And the college dude is going to post his friends' nude pictures.