Columns Mar 23, 2011 at 4:00 am

The Armed Forces

Comments

1
Ooh first, I think. I totally agree with the last bit of advice. My "friend" used to include me in his sex games by asking to meet me at a place, and then sneaking in and having sex with his boyfriend there, so he knew someone was waiting for him to finish. I was only, like, 14. It was creepy.
2
Apparently Naive Housewife: you should have asked to speak to his mistress. That situation sounds like sexual harassment and is very creepy. Like Mistress Matisse hinted at, he could have written that letter becuse he thought that the harassment would go over better if a woman was "supposedly" in charge of his creepy behavior. So so icky to sexualize an otherwise non-sexual, and vulnerable, situation. Also, if he is in a DOM/Sub relationship like he describes, aren't they being weird about it? Like, does he give that letter to ALL of his customers? Is his mistress taking proper care of him by setting him up to be molested or hurt like this? None of it makes sense, besides being creepy.
3
I'm a bit surprised you didn't mention that ANH was probably holding the key to Sparky's chastity device, Dan.

How do I know? People used to send me messages on collarme asking me to "hold their key" all the time.
4
Re KOMS, many kinky women may not be interested in NSA + BDSM. I won't let guys tie me up in private unless I know them. We don't have to be dating, but I'd better be friends with his friends. KOMS is not in a stable time in his life (about to head overseas), and that also rings my alarm bells as far as private play.

Best bet may be to hook up with a couple, where the husband tags along to make his wife feel safer letting a strange army dude have his way with her. Or go to a public club, be very very charming, and hope to play with someone there.

(If he's looking for a mistress, then his problem is just that there aren't very many of them out there, so they get to be even pickier than your average woman.)

For DRY, don't sex columnists have an obligation to ask women who claim to be asexual whether they've ever even had an orgasm? That can be learned, and might change her outlook.
5
On a tangent, I am surprised no one has a complaint about the way the first letter starts out. Is the girlfriend a sociopath because she dumped him for his military choice? Or is the dumping in addition to other things he didn't like. It seems like he thinks that him going into the military isn't a valid reason for a girl to dump him. Why not? He is about to leave. For a long time. He clearly made this decision unilaterally without her, so she gets to decide for herself whether she wants to stick around (and if their relationship wasn't serious enough to make the decision together, what is the big deal?). I most likely wouldn't stay with someone if they up and joined the military on me. Something about that part really just does not sit well with me...
6
@4, i absolutely agree with your opinion of DRY. although there are some ladies who just dont enjoy sex. I can tell you I hate #2ing. If i could find a way to do away with that and live my life... i would. Just kidding. She could be not very sexually versed, or possibly a victim of sexual assault. Depending, either of those things can def make the difference.

ANH, go with your little gut and listen to what its telling you. Those instincts are completely valid. Did you find him in the sexuality+services section? or has the business relationship evolved in some way to include something along those lines? Sounds like it hasnt... so don't feel weird not hiring him again. Its not quite explicit in his or your job description to play dom/sub games. I agree with Matiesse in the err of professional conduct.
7
@5- right on the money.
8
In response to KOM, when I was in the military I used to date online myself but I never let on that I was in the military until it seemed alright to let the other person know (I said what I did for a living if asked but didn't get any further into detail than that unless asked). All in all though I totally agree with Dan.
9
@5: Read the first two sentences again. Was the second one -- the one about her cheating on him with a married man -- present the first time you read the letter? Did Dan have to edit that tidbit back into the letter for clarity, or did you just miss it the first time?

Those two sentences, taken together, certainly imply that she was a piece of work, and that there was more back-story than needed to be explicitly included in the letter.
10
To KOM, I was once in the military and I took to online dating much the same way you have (as a means to "branch out" per se). I never included that I was in the military though and whenever asked what I did for a living I simply gave my job title (because it was just as much truth, that's not to say that I eventually mentioned being in the military but that's something to work up to... in private). What I'm getting at is that you're divulging too much information, with that being said I also totally agree with what Dan had to say.
11
Rehashing the asexual thread once again, I see.

DRY, you need to go back and check out all of the posts from 1-2 months ago, when we explored asexuality ad nauseum. Sounds like you'll learn a lot.

But DRY, a typical heterosexual guy's second or third most important reason for getting into a relationship/marriage is for frequent sexual relations. Sure, there are guys that put sex at a much lower level, but they wouldn't be typical.

Compare that to your own admission that sex is somewhere near #48 on your list and your answer is clear. Most guys would run away from you, no matter how beautiful, sweet or warm you are.
12
I think that the electrician has been masturbating to seventies porn videos where horny housewives get it on with repair men, then forgot this only happens in porn movies. His "mistress" is a figment of his imagination.

I am in the kink community, and I see far too many confused men who think that they have a right to sexual attention from women. I suggest you repay him by reporting him to the state licensing board.
13
To DRY: Your current boyfriend may be able to deal with this, but ONLY if you are up front about it.

If you try to hide or downplay your lack of libido, he will eventually start thinking that you don't find HIM attractive, and that protestations about low libido are an excuse to put him off. It is painful to feel sexually attracted to one's life partner and not have that feeling reciprocated. Over time, the constant rejection he feels under those circumstances will grind his self-esteem into a pile of tiny little abrasive particles, and eventually will kill the relationship. If you are lucky, he will leave before finding someone with whom to cheat on you. If he is lucky, he will leave long before this has him writing in to Dan Savage about which circle of Hell his sex life resembles.

That's not to say that you can't have a successful relationship with this guy, but there will have to be some sort of accommodations made. Maybe you can learn to fake enthusiasm in the short term, and maybe get over disliking sex in the longer term. Maybe he can get his sexual needs met outside the relationship, with your blessing. (Don't even think of trying to make him remain monogamous if you aren't going to be a regular and active participant in his sex life.)

Whatever the accommodation turns out to be, it has to be done with full disclosure, and soon. If you don't disclose right up front, I guarantee that things will progress under a bunch of reasonable but false assumptions on his part, which, when things don't work according to those assumptions, lead only to a lot of misunderstanding and heartbreak.

I'm a little worried that you are saying you are "in a great heterosexual relationship." Most great heterosexual relationships involve great heterosexual sex. Have you spent the last several months shoving genitals together and now you're getting tired of it? I sure hope that isn't the case, because it would mean you've been lying to him. Is he trying to be "caring and understanding" and give you all the space you need? Fuck, I hope not. That's throwing away the best years of his sexuality.

You talk about this like you would prefer to make it work with your current boyfriend. That may or may not work out over the long term, and it will be some work. Dan's advice is better for the general case. You will have better luck if you can find somebody equally asexual as yourself.
14
OK, one of the first responders.

I think DRY is probably just an average woman. News flash Dan, Asexuals are rare, probably less than 1% of the population. All these minimally sexual women who write (or more commonly who are written about) fall on the normal continuum. I understand the need to try and create this new huge category of people who have a grievance and chip on their shoulder (Asexual power!) but can we avoid medicalizing everything?

I would love to be there at the big revelation though: "Honey, you know I love you but I just don't like having sex with you. Can we just cuddle from now on? That will be OK, right?" LMFAO. She should marry him first- that is how it is usually done.

As for Soldier boy- thanks for serving your country but I caught the learning about foreplay portion also. I am guessing you're going infantry not helicoptor pilot school? Methinks there is more to the story than the liberal freelovers don't want to boink a future soldier.

ANH was sexually violated. This is more than creepy. I think it actually borders on criminal.

15
To ANH: Take his key, then order him to tear up his invoice and get the hell out.
16
I think EricaP's onto something here, something that rarely gets addressed when men start in on "asexual" women. It could very well be that DRY has never had an orgasm, and not only does she not know what she's missing, but she has become frustrated with what she experiences as a vaguely pleasurable experience which devolves into a tedious grind (pun intended) to be gotten through.

Think about how you'd view sex if you never got over the barest threshold of arousal. After a while you might only get "'horny' maybe twice year," and vastly prefer cuddling. There would never have been a payoff, and frequently, there might be actual discomfort.

Dan is in a hurry to have DRY say something like, "I am asexual and you have a right to know this before committing to me for life," so as to give the boyfriend a chance to dump her and then he wants her to go register with some sort of asexual dating group so that, like a leper, she will be limited in her social and romantic interactions to those of her own kind.

I suggest that she ask and answer a few questions. First these: Has she ever had an orgasm? Does she masturbate? Does she have any idea of what arouses her, and if not, has she tried to explore erotica, porn, or other avenues of assistance to accessing her erotic imagination?

Then these: How often are she and her bf currently having sex? If it is frequent (or far more frequent than she would like), does it give her some sort of emotional pleasure to please her bf, and if that's all she's getting out of the experiences, is she willing to continue at the same rate of frequency forever? Does her bf seem satisfied with the frequency and quality of the sex they're having, or has he expressed dissatisfaction?

Then the really big one: have they discussed the mis-match of libidos before (is her bf even aware that there is a mis-match)?

They need to come to some mutual understanding and decisions. Either she is willing to continue having sex for her husband's sake, even if she gets nothing much out of it because she loves him, or he needs to understand what a low priority sex is for her and be willing to accept that, or he needs permission to fulfill some of his sexual needs outside the marriage, or (my favorite) they need to work together to try to open her up to enjoying sex more, which would hopefully have the correlative effect of making her more desirous of sex more frequently--but without putting pressure on her ("how about now? Do you like it better now?"), or they need to break up and seek other people more like-minded about sexual desire and frequency.

But to just write her off as an asexual who has an obligation to disclose is to miss the boat.
17
@14 - I think the LW is giving herself that label, saying she's not interested in sex. She looks around, and other people seem to be enjoying it a lot more than she is. Dan's responding to what she says. But (as someone who has been there, done that), I think she just doesn't know that she has never had an orgasm. She has had little flutters, that she has called orgasms, but she doesn't have anything to compare them too.

Having orgasms is not obvious for many women. They need porn, vibrators, or really talented boyfriends. Sounds like she has had none of the above.
18
Dear DRY, while #13 has some pretty good advice to add to Dan's (consider opening up the relationship, consider "fake it til you make it"...), #13 also seems really really emotionally invested and so forgot to consider this as a possibility: maybe your BF is also mostly asexual. You didn't disclose how often you two are grinding genitals. If that amounts to "not very often" and he's still talking about a future, then you might have found a sexually compatible match. Even more reason to disclose. And if he's not like you, there are creative solutions to sexual incompatibility, but none involve repression and very few involve dishonesty. If you're reading Dan, then you clearly feel comfortable thinking about sexuality. Start discussing it with your partner--this current BF and if he doesn't work out, your future romantic encounters--they are the ones with the real answers.
19
See, this is why you should hire Union electricians.
20
To all the asexuals/minimally sexual people/very sexual people/normally sexual people: DISCLOSE HOW MUCH YOU WANT SEX. FIND PEOPLE WHO WANT TO HAVE AS MUCH SEX AS YOU. DATE THEM. BE HAPPY.
Fuck anyone who tries to deceive people into a relationship. You are assholes. Lying, deceptive assholes. GTFO.

You know what? I have a type. It's a rare type. Hot asian b-boys/hip-hop dance instructors. Considerate and intelligence also a must. Do you have ANY idea how rare that is? Especially in a small city? And yet I manage to date without having to lie or deceive people. You have a small dating pool. Suck it the fuck up.
21
But do the NPR-listeners who want permission to cheat on (one infers) boyfriends who aren't Mr Savage's type with military-style men who are receive the permission they seek? If they do, I hope that's not a significant part of the reason why.

Sorry to be sour about this, but as someone who finds "buff" a distinct turn-off, I admit that my patience thins pretty quickly. There should be a specific example here, but it's too late to think of an apposite one.
22
What Caralain@20 said, but with less emphasis...

Nocutename@16: Although I wholeheartedly agree with what you are saying, I don't think that people (and men in particular) are going to hang around long enough to work things out over time. Sadly, I think that you're giving men too much credit in this regard...or perhaps expecting too much from them. Most men do not have the patience to work through sexual issues of this type/magnitude during the early stages of a relationship.

Frankly, why would they want to? Because they feel SOOOO connected with the woman? Sorry, that's not how they're wired (typical man). I know I sound like a shallow asshole in saying that, but it really is the truth.

Overgeneralizing here, but women want to have sex with men whom they feel connected to. Men begin to feel connected to women that they have regular sex with. Sick and sad, but true.
23
DRY - end this relationship now or face years of having the same discussion and why you don't like fucking your boyfriend. We're 15 years and counting, and even though I said I understood and would live with it, I was wrong. I wasn't lying--I really thought I could. But when it comes down to it, I'm still hurts every single day that my wife doesn't want to fuck me. Intellectually, I understand. Emotionally, I'm still hurt.

There could be something organic, but she doesn't mind her libido. I don't want sex outside the relationship: I want her to want me. She hasn't masturbated in over 5 years. Full disclosure, arms length, and still we talk about it, still my journals are dominated by just how much sex I'm not getting from her and how much I resent it.

So I have issues. Spare yourself. Run.
24
I think it's condescending to tell DRY, an adult woman nearly 30, that while she might think she doesn't like sex, she's wrong, and if she just could become educated enough to enjoy a "real" orgasm, she'd see how wrong she is.

This attitude reminds me of the smug men who declare that lesbians "just haven't met the right man", or the doctors who assure women not interested in bearing children that someday they'll change their minds. It's arrogant to "conclude" that you know more about someone than they know about themselves. I think DRY should be given credit for self-knowledge and given advice accordingly.
25
Anyone thought that maybe, just maybe, she's really lucky and her boyfriend is asexual/minimally sexual too? She says they're happy. Maybe she's wrong, and I know we've all experienced and read about situations where one person thinks things are okay when they're not. But he's the one talking about long term plans. Maybe he likes things the way they are. She doesn't mention begging, faking, or making compromises. Maybe they don't have sex that often and he's okay with it. Let's hope so.
26
Boy am I sick of the big fat lie.

The lie is this: Men want sex, want it all the time. Women don't really like sex, but do it to please their partners.

HA! Most of the women I know, (myself included) have healthy, active libidos. Most of those women have higher libidos than their male partners.

High libido/low libido is not directly related to gender. Period.

Some people have the drive and the desire, some people do not.

Yes, sometimes there's something "wrong" with a person that makes their libido "too high" or "Too low". Sometimes it is simply how the person is. I'm all for people figuring out the road to orgasm, but I've met people (women and men) who know full well what a "real" orgasm is, and are really just not interested in pursuing it very often.

I applaud Dan's opinion that people with low sex drives should find other people with low sex drives. If you're not gunning for sex, there's nothing wrong with that... unless you present yourself otherwise in order to have a relationship. That's a bit like hating the taste of alcohol and despising the feeling of being drunk and hanging out in bars to find a partner.

If your sex drive is low, own up to that and be honest with yourself. If you think maybe there's a problem, seek counseling or a doctor or both. If it is not a problem, don't make it someone else's lifelong problem!!!
27
I am surprised that you never suggest that the asexual writers should have a full hormonal workup before packing it in. After all sex drive is hormone driven, and these things can be treated.
28
@9 either I am totally blind or that sentence is a new addition. interesting.
29
@approaching 40 in LA
I have a fever, so it gets me all capslocky and means my tolerance for whiny bitches is at an all time low.
30
Re DRY: Are you completely averse to having sex more than once or twice a year, or is it just that you don't feel horny more often than that? I ask because sex in a committed relationship isn't just about relieving horniness, it's about pair bonding and sharing closeness with your partner. Of course you should be honest with him, but don't write off the relationship just because he might want closeness even when you're not horny. You might find that the closeness is fulfilling in itself.

Re KOMS: I'm liberal/open-minded and would be glad to give anyone who is putting his/her life on the line to keep our country safe a great send off! I'm sure there are plenty of others. Don't give up!
31
@17 EricaP

"She has had little flutters, that she has called orgasms, but she doesn't have anything to compare them to."

Exactly. I've seen this with a couple of women. One of them didn't have an orgasm until 2 years into the relationship. When she finally did come it was like "Oh yeah, now I see."

(BTW are you still checking gmail?)
32
As far as being an asexual goes, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...

She seems to be of a mind that her libido is just fine with her, and her behavior is certainly minimally sexual. So from the perspective of the boyfriend it's going to become clear that she is asexual when she gets around to cluing him in. (and what's up with the guy that he doesn't miss her lack of enthusiasm?! jebus guys, get it together)

It doesn't matter if her brain isn't wired to be asexual. She behaves asexually and she isn't asking for help to change that.
33
@16: I think there is a difference between not liking sex and being pre- or inorgasmic, and that most women can tell the difference between the two. I’m in my thirties now, but I didn’t have an organism until I was about twenty. That created about four years of sexual space where I had long term partners that were caring, thoughtful, and reasonably skilled, but no orgasms (long story—I didn’t masturbate until my twenties so I didn’t really know *how* to orgasm).

However, in that protracted period, there was not one single moment I found sex boring. Yes, I knew I was missing out on orgasm. But I was still intensely aroused and physically responsive for all of that time.
34
I was well into my 30's when I had my first orgasm and realized that I had never had one before. That hadn't stopped me from being horny or from enjoying sex for the previous 20 years. I get tired of the whole It's All About The Orgasm thing. I'm not saying I don't care about orgasms -- now that I know what they are -- but jeez, enough with the "if you haven't has an orgasm then you know nothing about your own sexuality" attitude. I'm with Sancho on this one.

And even if her sex life has been not just non-orgasmic but downright lousy, that's still not the same thing as only getting horny 2x a year. I seem to remember getting horny quite a lot before I had even had any sex at all. Am I the only one? It's not just about not knowing what you are missing.
35
ANH should have asked Sparky if his drywall contained any santorum; then, depending on his response, should have either stripped naked or called the cops. Snap!
36
DRY doesn't seem to want to alter her interest in sex and is already - early in the relationship - pretty contemptuous towards it. It appears that she is having it sometimes because she says she doesn't like it.

It's fairly straightforward for her to determine his level of interest (e.g. how often he initiates, how often he mentions sex). Even if he claims he's OK with it, but wants it significantly more than her, it will n.o.t. get better (normally gets worse).

It's also disingenuous to continue with a long-term relationship on the unverified basis that maybe sex ain't important.

As someone who has lived with the pain of mismatch, I beg DRY not to carry on. It's awful. Disclosure is essential, otherwise DRY deserves all the names under the sun, should be a federal offence.
37
I am about to be a super bitch, and possibly piss people off. Sorry. What Sparky and his so-called "mistress" did is not just creepy--it's unethical, it's sexual harassment, and I'm not sure it isn't illegal. She should not only not hire him ever again, but if I was put into that position, I would inform the better business bureau. Esp. since if the quality of his service really mattered to this probably mythical mistress, the survey could have been worded in such a way that the nature of the relationship was never disclosed. As an active participant in a 24/7 M/s relationship, I'm esp. angered, because I don't want people like this sexually harassing creeper representing me or my Master.
38
Don't forget that straight guys are always complaining they can't get as much NSA sex as they want. Add kink to it, and yes, it's gonna be more difficult. This is a surprise?

(I'm also 100% with Dan, what part of foreplay didn't this guy know about at his age?)
39
Is DRY on hormonal birth control and/or an SSRI? Both of these drugs can, and often do, smother the libido quite effectively.
40
Shouldn't Dan have asked DRY to seek medical advice? Maybe there's an underlying health problem here?

41
I'm not going to get in to trying to "fix" DRY's libido so that it better suits people other than her, but I will also speak up as someone who dearly loves and is wildly attracted to a partner that has, for some time, been experiencing very low interest in sex.

It is crushing. It is spirit-destroying. No matter how often I try to remind myself that there's a lot of things it can be, it still just feels like me. Like I'm not attractive. Like he loves me, but I may as well be a close, cuddly friend.

It feels like something that felt like part of being alive, something vibrant, some intrinsic, life-affirming, joyous part of me is being painfully starved to death.

There has been more than one night in which I have been awake long into the night, just weeping in pain.

I'm naturally monogamous. I'm not interested in sleeping with anyone else. But if I'd known way back before we became this couple that this was coming, I can guarantee you it would have caused me to seriously reconsider the relationship, because sex does matter, but more importantly, knowing your sexual self is loved by your partner, that your needs are important to your partner, that your partner finds you as sexually attractive as you find them is crucial.

I'm not going to fuss too much. My partner has a mixture of illnesses going on and is depressed, and I have all sorts of hope things will get better for us. When he's well, if it remains like this, we're going to have a huge problem.

But it is absolutely devastating to the self-esteem and emotional equilibrium to be in this place, and DRY, if you love this man (heck, even if you don't and you have one shred of honor), you make sure he understands exactly what your outlook on sex is and how your libido works. He's not a Ken Doll there to make your Barbie life complete, he's a human, sexual being.
42
@KOMS: "Foreplay"? Didn't know about it until 22 (which I take to mean that you though the only form of sexual expression was penis-in-vagina fucking until you were 22)? Yikes...

The term "foreplay" is generally frowned-upon in inclusive sex-positive discourse these days, as it privileges penis-in-vagina intercourse over all of the other forms of sex (positioning anything that isn't penis-in-vagina intercourse is positioned as a prelude to the 'real' sex). This serves to marginalize people who don't prefer or ever engage in penis-in-vagina intercourse i.e. those who prefer solo sex; those who have penises or vaginas and prefer sexual partners with penises or vaginas, respectively; those who prefer partners with the sorts of genitals that would make penis-in -vagina sex possible between the pair, but who prefer oral sex or digital stimulation or anal sex or non-penetrative humping or stimulation with (non-human-body-part) objects; etc. That said, I think the term can still be appropriate when discussing sexual activity that is, in the instance being discussed, specifically undertaken with the intent to heighten arousal in order to make penis-in-vagina intercourse more pleasurable or possible.

I'm not 'blaming' you here (you can't help it if you were never given access to information that presented sex as anything other than penis-in-vagina intercourse, though I would urge everyone interested in sex/sexuality to try to get at least basic information about it, and if you continue to be willfully ignorant of how sex works for a spectrum of people even after someone has told you to get informed, then that is on you; Scarleteen is a great place to start), but your use of the word "foreplay" and your assertion that you didn't know about it until 22 definitely makes me wonder if there aren't things other than your impending military tour that are sketching people out/scaring people off. Perhaps you also have an exclusively male-centered or you-centered view of sex (or the remnants of it, after your last GF expanded your view a bit), and that's coming through (you're probably not going to have much success looking for NSA sex if you want someone who will let you do whatever you want and be done, without any consideration for her wants/desires; I suggest this as a possibility because, for most women, penis-in-vagina sex is not the most pleasurable or favorite sexual activity, and a view that holds it as the only form of sex ignores female sexuality to a certain degree or even completely). That may not be it, but it's SOMETHING, probably not your military service (which shouldn't be an issue for people hooking-up and not looking for any sort of commitment, and is likely just serving as a convenient excuse); you should start looking at other things about you and the profiles you're posting with a critical eye.
43
You guys may be right about DRY's lack of orgasm being responsible for her lack of interest, but just for the record, some of us rarely if ever have orgasms and LOVE sex. Sex isn't just about the end result, it can be tons of fun and feel fantastic just because you're having sex. Sure it's a bummer to not be able to have a big finish, but it doesn't make everyone completely disinterested.
44
Maybe I wasn't being clear enough and perhaps I was wrong to conflate my historical issues with DRY's. But if so, that means that others are also wrong to try and interpret her issues based on their own life experiences and viewpoints. All this tells me is that human sexually is very complicated, and perhaps we all (yes, even professional advice-givers like Dan) should have way more info before we start cavalierly telling someone how to solve her problems.

FWIW, and to add my own story here, I was sexually active and very active, with lots of partners from the age of 19, yet I didn't experience an orgasm until I was 38. Yes, 38: so when people say things like, "I didn't become orgasmic until I was 22," I want to scream. How I wished I could be orgasmic when I was 22. I knew I was missing something, but I didn't know what it was. I had felt those "flutters" that EricaP mentioned, but no more. And I was interested in sex in the beginning, but as the years went by through my mid 20s to my mid 30s, I have to say that my libido plummeted. This probably had several causes. As echizen_kurage points out, hormonal birth control (and other drugs, such as SSRIs) can affect libido or contribute to difficulty with arousal, and I had been on the pill since I was 19. Marriage and the subsequent dip in sexual interest that occurs for many after several years also probably had something to do with it. But mostly, it was the fact that I'd never even come close to coming that was responsible. From 19-25ish, I'd say I was horny but unfulfilled; from 25ish-35ish, I'd lost interest.

I had to get a renewed sense of myself as sexual, which started at about 37, after I'd had my second kid (and, btw, was no longer on the pill), to start feeling horny and interested enough to try and address the issue again. I had to discover the right kind of erotica, which I hadn't seen as a younger woman, and the right kind of vibrator (everyone sings the praises of the Hitachi Magic Wand, but that did nothing for me, as did the little "bullet" vibes, I had assiduously tried in my 20s. Turns out I need more stimulation of my interior clitoral tissue, and a "rabbit"-type vibrator.), before I discovered what all the fuss was about. And then my libido went sky high. For me, anyway, libido or horniness is directly related to expectations of pleasure and satisfaction.

I don't presume to tell DRY what her problem is or suggest that all she needs is a good orgasm, or anything else people have attributed to me. I, like the rest of us, have to interpret and to infer from a letter that is limited to what the letter writer actually said; I may be waaaaay off the mark.
But I don't think that true asexuality is as common as some people are supposing.

And I do understand the psychological/sexual/emotional consequences of being married to a spouse that shows little or no interest in you sexually. It is devastating. I just had some questions for DRY. I did forget to mention medication and vibrators.
Experiment with vibrators, DRY, and see what happens. And marijuana.

Okay, my 2 cents has turned in $25.
45
@DRY: I used to have absolutely zero interest in sex (except in the honeymoon-phase of a new relationship), even with guys I was attracted to and loved very much.
Then I discovered my interest in BDSM, and since my current lover and I have started exploring this, I cannot get enough of it! I have turned into a sex-maniac!
Not saying that the same would happen to you; just something to consider. Best wishes!
46
I'm with RTam @43 -- I was one of those non-orgasming people with a high sex drive for many years -- in my case, I think the fact that I never orgasmed contributed to my high sex drive.
I also think like @39 that if she's on some medications, that could be affecting her desire -- and lastly, I want to recommend exercise. If she's doesn't work out regularly, she should -- my sex drive when I'm working out regularly vs. when I am not is night and day....
47
@44 nocutename

Congratulations on getting there! Finding what works for you can be difficult, but certainly "a renewed sense of myself as sexual" has got to be a good start. That and the meds issues you had.
48
Sparky's behavior was COMPLETELY inappropriate, and Dan's assessment of the situation was right on target - except I don't think it went far enough. If it were me, I would write a letter to Sparky's boss/the company he works for including a copy of the letter he gave me and underscoring how very inappropriate it was. I would explain that as someone who engages in kinky activities, I wasn't completely horrified by the letter, but in the hands of another woman, that letter could generate anything from abject horror to feeling unsafe to feeling violated to having an angry husband attack Sparky to having him or his company get slapped with a sexual harassment lawsuit. Such a letter would probably get him fired, which would be a shame, but necessary if he's doing this kind of thing - hopefully he'd be wise enough not to pull something like that at his next job.

If Sparky was self-employed, I would send a similar letter to HIM letting him know how utterly inappropriate his actions were, what the potential consequences might be if he ever did anything like that in the future, and advice for the sake of his business and his personal and legal safety, that he NEVER EVER do something like that again (and that he insist that his mistress not instruct him to do things that A. could harm his business and livlihood and B. make uninvolved/unsuspecting people unwilling participants in their sex games).

-BadKitty
49
Sparky's behavior was COMPLETELY inappropriate, and Dan's assessment of the situation was right on target - except I don't think it went far enough. If it were me, I would write a letter to Sparky's boss/the company he works for including a copy of the letter he gave me and underscoring how very inappropriate it was. I would explain that as someone who engages in kinky activities, I wasn't completely horrified by the letter, but in the hands of another woman, that letter could generate anything from abject horror to feeling unsafe to feeling violated to having an angry husband attack Sparky to having him or his company get slapped with a sexual harassment lawsuit. Such a letter would probably get him fired, which would be a shame, but necessary if he's doing this kind of thing - hopefully he'd be wise enough not to pull something like that at his next job.

If Sparky was self-employed, I would send a similar letter to HIM letting him know how utterly inappropriate his actions were, what the potential consequences might be if he ever did anything like that in the future, and advice for the sake of his business and his personal and legal safety, that he NEVER EVER do something like that again (and that he insist that his mistress not instruct him to do things that A. could harm his business and livlihood and B. make uninvolved/unsuspecting people unwilling participants in their sex games).

-BadKitty
50
I'm not saying that DRY needs to learn to orgasm. Maybe she already has fantastic orgasms twice a year and that's all she wants. But that's not in the letter, so I wanted to raise the idea that maybe her sex life could get better and then she might like it more. Since that was me. (Though at 20, not 30.)

If she were giving up on life we would recommend she get help. I think it's reasonable to urge her to get help before giving up on her sex life. If she has already done a lot of exploring, that's fine, but it's not in the letter. The letter does mention that she has had several "uncaring" boyfriends before; if she has been abused that could also turn her off from sex in ways which might be reversible.
51
Also, props to 44 & 45 for speaking up to say that people with low sex drives can sometimes find their way to a higher sex drive through creative exploration.

Nagging someone to increase their sex drive won't ever work, but bringing new ideas into the relationship might.
52
I'm assuming that most readers here would reject the old idea that homosexuality is an illness that needs to be cured because it diverges from so-called "normal" (hetero)sexuality. I can't picture most people on here telling a gay man that he needs to have good sex with a woman or consult a therapist before he can legitimately decide he's gay.

Saying that DRY should seek a "cure" for her asexuality is no different - it's the sexual majority telling a sexual minority that they're dysfunctional, even if they don't realize it, and will be happier once they're cured.
53
@42 - A good post. He could well be trying to swim in pools where, relative to the natives, he is a conservative p----.

Now that I'm awake, I'm picking up faint hints of Newb Enthusiasm. That can be pretty offputting to some, but enticing to others. Maybe he should lead with it.
54
@52, yeah, and we should tell people who don't hear well to just accept their deaf identity. No. Some deafness is treatable, and people should be encouraged to get treatment. Some lack of libido is similarly treatable, and people should be encouraged (not nagged or forced) to get treatment. After that effort, yes, then there is a time for acceptance, empathy, and disclosure to potential life partners.
55
ANH, this is not only unprofessional and creepy, it also seems like it borders on illegal. To keep it from happening to other women, contact his employer and give them a copy of the letter and register a complaint with the contractors licensing board in your state. Chances are, you aren't the first person who has encountered this type of sexual aggression from him, and someone should put a stop to it.
56
EricaP: "Having orgasms is not obvious for many women. They need porn, vibrators, or really talented boyfriends. Sounds like she has had none of the above."

If a woman doesn't want to have sex, and she can articulate that, we should accept that explanation as the starting point. Don't try and foist this onto the guy.

Similarly, if she leads with saying it is her mate's fault, fine. But again, if she doesn't, don't put it on a guy to figure out her Rubik's Cube issue in order for him to get his Good Lover merit badge from EricaP.

(Oh, and all those guys who smirkingly tell us they are proudly the sort of chap who loves to solve the Rubik's Cube issue, also, please, stop; I can hear your gold medallions jangling and soft mood music filtered through your shitty bear skin rug. Gross.)
57
@54 Actually, that is an interesting example you bring up. As far as I know, many people in the deaf community would actually take a big issue with your assumption about treatment.
58
Dan I disagree with your advice to the 1st writer. Instead of having a friend vet his profile (chances are he doesn't have any kinky friends or at least know that they're kinky).

He should send you the profile to check out.

And pictures. Lots and lots of pictures.
59
@54 - Erica, you're continuing to describe asexuality as a defect, which should be fixed if possible and accepted with empathy if not. Asexuality isn't a defect; it's simply another sexual variation, no different from homosexuality, bisexuality, paraphilia, etc. It can certainly prove inconvenient to the extent that it does not conform to other people's expectations, but that's their problem.
60
@56 Yes, EricaP merit badges are hard to earn. Not everyone wants one, and I'm fine with that.

@57 That's the point of my example, actually. Just because some people in that community say someone with (poor hearing / poor libido) is great that way and shouldn't talk to a doctor – that doesn't mean that doctors who treat hearing loss / low libido should find another line of work.

@59 Change happens, if not to everyone. Read @44 and tell me you have no empathy for her development from high libido and back to high libido.
61
Let me put it this way. If someone tells me they don't want to have kids, I support that immediately, no questions asked. Having kids doesn't make one's life better, in my experience.

If someone tells me they don't like sex, I do ask them what they have tried before they came to that conclusion. Orgasms and/or good sex do make one's life better, in my experience.

Raising the question doesn't mean I shove it down their throat and make them choke on it. If people tell me they're happy, that's great. But if they're complaining about the small dating pool of asexual people... then maybe they do want to change.

I'm so old I remember jazz appreciation classes. People aren't all born liking jazz, and not everyone is born liking sex. Many people will continue happily to not like jazz, or not like sex. Great for them. But some people can learn to like jazz, or like sex. It's worth offering people options in life, and not just saying everyone is the way they are, end of story.
62
@5 - exactly. I'm a war vet and I made the same choice when I enlisted.

@9 - He found out she was fucking around him after the break up. Enlisting may have been her excuse to break free, but the truth is we really just don't know. Taken for what it is comment @5 has the most spot on response. But I can see where you are coming from too.
63
@25: Sure, that's a possibility: maybe he is as low-sex-drive as she is. In that case, the conversation that they need to have will be short, sweet, and uneventful.

But they still need to have it -- just in case he isn't actually that guy.
64
I think the comparisons of asexuality with homosexuality and with deafness are both off the mark for different reasons:

-- Living with a deaf partner doesn't require a hearing partner to never speak or hear.

-- If you are a homosexual, only an idiot would counsel you to date into the heterosexual dating pool with hopes of finding someone there to make it work long-term.
65
@59 asexuality "can certainly prove inconvenient to the extent that it does not conform to other people's expectations, but that's their problem"

Um, while I'm happy for people to be whoever they are, saying it's other people's problem when it turns out that their reasonable/common/standard expectation of a sex life won't be met is nonsense. Asexuality and lower libdio (especially early in a relationship) isn't always obvious and revealed - and it needs to be in order to avoid terrible pain for both of them downstream.
66
@59

What EricaP and others have been suggesting are entirely validated by this:
"The trouble is, I find sex profoundly boring."

While asexuality is just as valid as any other libido level, that is not what the letter was about.
67
ANH

I don't think anyone else has mentioned this but it's possible that Sparky is the equivalent of a flasher. He may not have wanted anything beyond shocking you so that he could go home and masturbate to the memory of the expression on your face.
68
@59 et al: I don't think that EricaP and others are arguing that asexuality is a defect; they're arguing that the woman may or may not be asexual at all.

Sexual relations, whether masturbatory or with others, can be extremely fulfilling for most people. They're also an intrinsic part of almost all romantic relationships. Many women (myself included) remember a time when we didn't enjoy sex and perhaps didn't want sex. for many of us, we figured out that sex can actually be awesome, and we were held back by hormonal problems/societal norms/medication side effects or other things.

suggesting that a person who doesn't love sex might get checked out is NOT saying that it's wrong to be asexual. It's just saying that asexuality is rare, and in a society where many women are taught that sexuality is disgusting and wrong, a woman who is not comfortable with sex might simply need to open up to find out that she's not actually asexual at all.

Certainly I am happier now that I embrace my sexuality, but if she is adverse to the idea, or tries to figure out if there's something else going on and finds that there isn't, that is completely her choice, and no one on here is going to fault her for it.
69
@11:

Most women would (and to be honest, have) run away from *me* for being the enormous pervert I am, and for needing to get tied up and pegged on a semi-regular basis.

But the ones that *stay*... well, those are the interesting ones.

Dating is a process of elimination. I don't date *most women*. I date a select few that I think are worth dating in the first place. Just as I am honest with those that I date in an effort to find people I'm actually compatible with, DRY should be honest with those that she dates in an effort to find compatibility. Noone should lie about who they are just because the majority of people won't accept them. That's true of everyone, gay, straight, kinky, vanilla, or asexual. It's just not a recipe for a good relationship.
70
I am picturing dear DRY's oddly unpopular personal ad. "I am kind of asexual and dislike banging genitals together. Also, I am going into the Army."

jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.co…
71
"Making women feel uncomfortable or unsafe in their own homes by springing your erotic submission on them—and requiring them to participate without first obtaining their explicit consent—is sexual aggression masquerading as erotic submission."

Dan, bravo and thank you.
72
@59: An expectation of near or complete lack of sex in a relationship is one modality, and people have a right to that if they want it. Nobody should be coerced into sex that they don't want. However, by the same token, an expectation of frequent, enthusiastic sex is an equally valid modality.

When both of those modalities are present in the same relationship, the word to describe that isn't "inconvenient." The correct word is "incompatible."
73
Personally, I would have an easier time believing in the idea of asexuality (i.e. that a perfectly emotionally and physically healthy person can have zero sex drive) if I ever heard an "asexual" talking about sex in a completely neutral way.

But every time an "asexual" writes in, they describe sex in a negative way and usually mock people who enjoy it (I also saw a news segment about a social club for asexuals...same thing, everyone in the group was rolling their eyes at us dumb sexual people and how we sure to seem to like doing that stupid pointless sex thing).

Saying "I don't like sex" and describing the act as "shoving genitals together" doesn't sound to me like the words of someone who's just not into it: it sounds like fear and anger.

So, yeah, I supect that a lot of self-identified asexuals are actually just really really repressed, or pre-orgasmic, or victims of abuse, or something. I'm with Erica P. and the others who have suggested that DRY try to explore her feelings on the subject a little more instead of jumping to conclusions.
74
Re 73, I note that Savage has, in the past, engaged in virtual eye-rolling and "icky poo" squeamishness in discussing women's sex organs.

Fear? Anger? Doubt it. But much like me and thinking about a guy's junk, some parts of human sexuality make him go, "ick, no way". I assume asexuals are the same way.

I roll my eyes and make faces at the idea of a guy's junk. Savage does when thinking about women. Asexuals feel that way about the whole topic. No sweat. Everyone has their own level in interest in differnt things. You don't need to call it fear and anger if you get grossed by some things involving sex and humans. It is instead called sexual orientation and preferences.
76
#74, let's try a metaphor here. I'm not into eating steak...I've had it, it was fine, but I don't care if I ever have it again in my lifetime. But I don't dwell on my lacklustre steak experiences; I don't make commments about how OMG the whole concept of steak is so alien to me, I mean I don't really understand why someone would want to chew on a big hunk of a cow's muscle tissue but whatever, if the steak-eaters like it then they can just go ahead for all I care so NYAH NYAH NYAH. And if I did run around talking like that all the time...wouldn't you assume I must have some weird issues with steak and/or the people who eat it?

Actually, okay, I'm revising my opinion from my previous post: trash-talking steak-lovers or sex-lovers isn't necessarily a sign that someone has issues with sex or steak; it could also mean that the person feels threatened by how much everyone else seems to like it. I would assume that Dan made his disparaging comments about female genitals because, after having been gaybashed for a good chunk of his life, he felt a bit defensive and was lashing out.

Now, personally, my sex drive is way too high for me to ever consider dating an asexual. But even if asexuality was something I was willing to deal with in a relationship, y'know what isn't? A tendency for my partner to feel insecure and lash out at me in an attempt to make me feel bad about who I am. So the whole I-just-don't-like-that-boring-business-of-shoving-our-genitals-together vibe of DRY rankles the everloving shit out of me.
77
"Overgeneralizing here, but women want to have sex with men whom they feel connected to. Men begin to feel connected to women that they have regular sex with. Sick and sad, but true. "

I don't see anything sick about that. Unfortunate that biology (and society) dealt us these not-entirely-compatible hands, but sick?
78
As a Soldier about to leave the Army... Why the fuck are you joining the Army? I know it's too late, but I mean seriously... it sucks. If you're any sort of sane, or have the choice not to join, DO NOT FUCKING JOIN! I have spent the last 11 months in Afghanistan, fighting a losing war. I've given 6 years to the Army. Sure I have a university education and an officer's commission out of it, but it's not fucking worth it man.

KOMS, the army will chew you up and spit you out, it is an unforgiving organization. It will lie, steal and cheat to get what it wants. There is no honor in it, there is no honor in war, there is only terror, destruction and inhumanity. Guard your mind, for you will find all that was once true to be a lie, all that is good, to wither and die.
79
I'm horrified by how hard people are coming down on Sparky.

I think he went too far. I don't think the letter was appropriate--it was too strong. But there might be more to the story. Maybe he thought he detected some flirtation (maybe there was, or maybe Sparky just sucks at interpreting these things). Sure, trying to involve a client in your sex life is questionable if you're counting on a continuing business relationship. Why is that, exactly?

Essentially, he asked a question to probe interest, and the answer was no. Wouldn't it be lovely if the world thought it was okay to ask for what you want? Words without the threat of physical violence should not MAKE adults feel a certain way; adults should CHOOSE how to feel, or should feel and then use that in order to answer. "Feeling creeped out" by a question is for children and Americans.

ANH did the right thing: she wondered whether this was appropriate. I think ANH is far more mature here than Dan--she maturely considered what her reaction should be. Dan, in contrast, talked about how violated some people would feel. Dear Dan: some people feel violated by women who assert opinions or who show calf or navel or neck. Many American women feel violated if a man asks "Would you like to have sex with me?"--especially if they're married, since most American women like to pretend that humans are monogamous. Dan makes men feel violated all the time by the mere fact that he's gay. Should these people feel violated? How can you answer that?

ANH was not "dragged into" Sparky's sex life. She was invited. Well, mostly. There was perhaps a small amount of dragging, and I think that Sparky did go too far. But what if the same conversation had been verbal? What if Sparky had said "Here's this thing I'm interested in. Are you?" What if he'd led up to it gradually and backed off earlier? This is a continuum, and I think the non-invasiveness of handing someone a letter has been lost on Dan and most of this audience.

Life's far too short not to ask people whether they'd be interested in sharing your interests, as long as it's okay for the answer to be "no". The alternative is a litigious society where just asking any question (that could be in any way related to sexuality, porn, money, drugs, interests that Republicans don't like, etc?) can get you sued, people live in fear of "invading" each other by just attempting to communicate, and everybody is desperately lonely.

I think Sparky was out of line. But only a little.
80
39 & 44 mentioned this, but it bears repeating: Is DRY on hormonal birth control? I felt the same way she does after being on the Pill/ring/shot for six years. I was young and newly-wed and had no interest in sex, and I thought there was something seriously amiss. I was complaining to a girlfriend who said she had the same issue until she got off the Pill and got a copper IUD. I've had my IUD for two months and my libido has improved tremendously. Planned Parenthood can help you too if the money is an issue.
81

@79: Nice trolling. U go to troll school?

82
@73

I get what you mean, but maybe SOMETIMES the fear and anger is a defense in response to all the grief she gets about it. To use the steak analogy, I don't like steak, but people aren't constantly trying to convince me that if it was just cooked right I would LOVE it and I should try to correct my very pathological dislike of steak.

And for the record I am WAY on the other end of the sexual spectrum. I would literally do nothing but fuck eat and sleep if that were an option to me, and that's basically my idea of heaven. So even "normal" women who are sometimes "not in the mood" strike me as totally batty.

I just think that if she said "I don't like sex" and expected us to say "Oh, neato, I don't like curly fries. To each their own." Then she might not feel the need to state it so vehemently.
83
@81 I don't think 79 is trolling. Is it ever appropriate to ask out someone at work, if you do it politely and take no for an answer? Maybe yes, maybe no, depending on who has authority over the other, maybe depending on gender... but maybe sometimes it's okay.

If they had known each other (professionally) for months, and he asked her out for coffee, and accepted her "no" politely... That would be okay, in my view.

In this case, Sparky was out of line, and should be reported to his licensing board. But a contractor thinking sexual thoughts about his employer isn't automatically harassment.
84
@82, I agree that her defensiveness is appropriate for our culture. But there's a reason people react with concern when a woman says she doesn't like sex. It's more like refusing language than it is like refusing curly fries.

Sex maybe falls somewhere between language and music, in terms of its importance in most people's lives and in bringing people together with the kind of close connection most humans crave.
85
Interesting post! Who want to be the "army"?
trend internet security
86
@81: I agree with 79: I think you’re all making a bigger deal of this than it is.

A long time ago a gay man decided he wanted to have sex with me. (I’m straight and single.) But, for whatever reason, he couldn’t say “Hi, I’m gay, I think you’re hot, want to get it on?” No. He had to pretend to have a common interest with me, so that he could ask for an invitation to my apartment. Once he'd got me alone and in private, instead of, you know, ASKING if I was interested, he proceeded to try to embrace me and “kiss” me on the face. (He was trying for my lips but I wasn’t cooperating.) Then, with me pushing him away and the expression on my face, he hung his head and left my apartment. Now I think that that’s FAR more intrusive and “involving [me] in his sex life” than handing me an envelope inviting me to do X to him could ever have been. It was certainly “making [me] feel uncomfortable in my own home” and the only reason it wasn’t “creepy” was because it had gone well past the “creepy” stage. But once he’d left I didn’t worry about it, or call the police or anything, because it just wasn’t that big a deal – not anywhere near that big a deal.

Then again, marching him to the door with his head hung low was therapeutic – it’s hard to feel creeped out by a spineless wimp. It’s a pity ANH couldn’t do that to “Sparky”. But of course she had a half-completed four hour wiring job to worry about: total pain to leave that half-done until she could hire another electrician.

And this isn’t that big of a deal. Yes, “Sparky” shouldn’t have done it, and ANH is certainly not in any way “a judgmental prude” to never hire him again – I certainly wouldn’t - and ANH should do what she needs to do to make herself feel more comfortable about it: talk to him, get an apology from him, and let him know he’s never getting hired again by them and why, if that makes ANH feel better, talk to his “mistress,” if she exists, and get an apology from her, if that makes ANH feel better. Or don’t have anything to do with them again, if not having anything to do with them is what makes ANH feel better.

But in the overall scheme of things, this falls well into the “not that big of a deal” category. There’s enough truly bad stuff will happen to you in life without sweating the small stuff. And making this into something bigger than it is only gives the idiot more power over you.

I think that the reason I came out of my incident, which in physical terms was worse than hers, feeling OK, while she feels creeped out, is that I came out of it feeling that I was in control – life had thrown a hardball at me and I’d hit it out of the park, which feels empowering not traumatic - while she doesn’t feel in control, at all: she’s asking Dan if she’s allowed to not allow him back in her house. I’d recommend she do stuff to get back her sense of control, rather than that she dwell on the incident.
87
Sex advice haiku:

KOMS - Your profile needs work/Kinky sex is hard to find/War makes it harder
DRY - Sex is not all that/Except when it is to some/Best to find out now
ANH - The bill torn to bits/The letter saved guards the spring/Against future bills
89
Army Boy should try making a few different profiles, some saying the army part, some not, all a little different, with slightly different photos, and see which ones get the most hits.
90
Hey Mistress [REDACTED], do you realize that you are destroying your slave's livelihood? He's not your husband, by any chance? With any luck the two of you will be out of your cozy dungeon and living under an underpass within the year, once word gets out and he can't get any regular work in his chosen trade. Shining example of Female Supremacy you got going there, running the family business into the ground. Heckuva job.

Sparky, in case you are reading: Your Supreme Queen is too stupid to be in charge of you.

(assuming she isn't fictional)
91
Wow wow now hold up a minute Dan. Don't just write DRY off as an asexual. Is she taking any prescription drugs? Is she on birth control? These things have profound sexual side-effects, especially when it comes to libido and orgasm function.

DRY: Have a talk with your doctor and see what you guys can work out before you write sex off entirely. If it turns out there's no medical component messing stuff up you are statistically speaking way more likely to be in a situation where your body is telling you that this relationship is over rather than you being asexual.
92
Am I the only one who thought ANH was using "electrician" as a euphemism for "professional third", and the problem had to do with being addressed as Ma'am by hired help? It took me until the end of the letter to understand that "Sparky" actually was just an electrician.

Up to that point, I thought the "four-hour re-wiring marathon in the kitchen" referred to a vigorous 3-way, and admired her wit!
93
I believe Sparky crossed the line, but by gosh if it was me in her shoes I would have used the letter to make him clean the shower before he left... just saying
94
Yes, the Sparky crossed the line and should not be used again. But if I was in her shoes I would have used the letter to make him clean my shower before making him leave... just saying
95
Old Crow:
It was a man, in her home when she is home alone. Apparently the existence of rape isn't something factored into your equation.

Count me among the folks who think that his behaviour was criminal, and that's where I disagree with @79. If he approached her properly, later, and followed the kink rules, that's fine. But to basically say, "you're in my sex life whether you want it or not" in her own goddamned home and without any warning or permission is the emotional equivalent of suddenly masturbating in front of her.

How obvious does this have to be and how oblivious do you have to be? We get to choose who we bring into our home for sexual matters. Third parties don't get to arbitrarily choose for us. They have no right what-so-ever to do so, and, frankly, I think that both the electrician and the mistress (if she exists) both at the very minimum should have the shit scared out of them by an evening in an interrogation room with the sexual assault detectives.
96
Am I the only one who gets the vibe that DRY's bf, on finding out that about her lack of interest, will say "thank god, me too!" ? I hope so, for both their sakes'. She seems every so much nicer than a lot of the low-libido people that I've met who are all too eager to make other people carry their emotional cans for them.
97
Apparently Naive Housewife:

Why would you write to Dan Savage for advice on whether or not to hire "Sparky" again? Can't you make a simple decision and act on it? What age are you...10? What a waste of space your question is!
98
I spent 6 years in the Navy and it was never a strong selling point for the ladies. And I have no problem with his girlfriend dumping him over joining up. What did he expect? Until women decide that sleeping with military guys and conservative assholes (and I know not all military personnel are conservs) we will see no improvement. But women seem to think that they can overlook the shitty parts of their asshole BFs and husbands and focus on the good parts. Look at the divorce rates and family violence rates in the military... it just doesn't work ladies. Dumping the jarhead/squid/ground-pounder/airdale is the sane thing to do... most of the time.
99
ANH's electrician can come rewire my house anytime, and I am smarter and stricter than his current Mistress. I would give him a survey that was truly just a survey (and he'd better get all Excellents, or else), and instruct him to hand his key to ANH without comment, except to politely request she hold onto it for him while he worked. Knowing what the survey and the key are for should be just between the two of us.

I also need extensive plumbing done, and my fence is falling down on one side. Excuse me while I check the interwebs for slaves.
100
I'm surprised by the comments defending or minimizing what Sparky did. It makes me wonder about the age of the commenters. Employers do report a shocking lack of awareness of what constitutes professional behavior among young people.

For future reference hitting on someone with whom you have a professional relationship is an extremely delicate thing to undertake. It can be done --I married an employee. But realize that you are ill-advised to try it. You have to be extremely careful and slow in your approach and you absolutely must back off immediately at the first sign that your advance is unwelcome.

It's also the height of ignorance to fail to recognize how sexually prudish Americans are and how threatened they are by even very tame sexuality. How can you even think that a kinky request like Sparky's is not totally out of line in this context? Depending on the recipient, revealing TMI is a form of sexual assault even if it isn't illegal.

I've met a woman who once enjoyed having her nipples nailed to a board. Is that the kind of story I should relate to a woman (about whom I have no information sexually) when I first approach her?
101
I'm with @79, honestly. And I *don't* think that Mistress PoorJudgment is fake. I've been around enough posturing Dom(me)s overflowing with machismo to know that people like this DEFINITELY exist.

It was a stupid act, plain and simple. The line between customer and vendor is there for a reason.

If I were ANH I'd write the words that @90 commented down, put them in the envelope and "order" him to give them to his idiot Mistress.
102
I met a guy and started dating him, and we were well along in the relationship before he finally explained why he was gone one weekend a month. He had to tell me because his two weeks were coming up, otherwise he probably would have hidden it longer.

For the five years we were married, those weekends and two weeks a year were my favorite times. He was a controlling, manipulative, lying bastard and I associate his hiding his service because he thought I wouldn't approve with the lying, manipulative behavior.

Sure, don't make it part of the introduction ("Hi, I'm KOMS and I'm shipping out soon!") but don't hide it for too long.

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