Savage Love

Cheating Pieces

Comments

105
@104 - He has a right to keep pushing ahead with his current approach, but it doesn't seem like it's working for him. He might want to consider why women like me and tinowman (and the ones he has met online) are getting turned off by his attitude.
106
@105: tinowman specifically wants single men, regardless of attitude, so there's not much he can do about that short of getting divorced. I'm not sure what it is that turns you off about him. But online dating is a difficult skill that takes time to learn, so it's normal for him to not have much luck at first.

If he does need to change his attitude, I suspect he needs to seem less needy and desperate (as indicated by his "treated like a queen" line), which is why I think he needs to feel more worthy of the women he prefers, as opposed to less worthy, which sounds like what you're suggesting by hinting he's not good enough for single women. He is, and he needs to know that to improve his outcomes.
107
@106 - tinowman was pointing out that he seemed to want more commitment from his prospective partner than he is able to provide in return. I was assuming he wants to date around, from his line "find women to have sex with and spend time with." If he wants to sleep around but he wants fidelity and availability from the woman, he'll be looking a long time.

But if he's looking for a long-term monogamous relationship then he's right to look for someone single. And if he's able to go out to restaurants & the theater & travel with her (rather than sneaking around) then he'll probably have plenty of luck once he rewrites his profile.
108
@99: I DO have experience, and yes, hearing the truth from your partner voluntarily makes a much better start on healing the pain of infidelity. The people I know who had to find out from a friend, colleague, their own detective work or sometimes the affair partner have a difficult time believing the cheating spouse would have ended it on their own. This is a huge stumbling block to reestablishing trust and healing the relationship, which must begin with both spouses *deciding* to recommit to each other and the marriage.
109
@68: "Aside from that, knowing that WANK runs with /b/oards for his source material is a little disturbing."

What, you think she might have gotten so incensed because he was looking at the darker side of 4chan?
111
@110: Almost as much as you love self-promotion apparently.

Also, what's Wincest? It's not something to do with the Weasleys from Harry Potter is it?
113
I'm amazed that more people don't talk about how there are more than 2 ways to use porn (I keep reading about "using it to spice up your relationship" or hiding to watching it in secret behind your partner's back) -- what about all of us who watch it openly and with some regularity just because we feel like it?

Having nothing directly to do with our relationship, but both partners are fully aware, engage in it, and occasionally discuss it later. It generally happens when one of us is away, but there's never an element of secrecy. I just don't get the narrow views of porn.
114
WTF is "Wincest"? I'm visualizing erotic acts performed by two pieces of software in the same family.
115
WOW, lots of comments on this post. I think it's too obvious a solution to conclude that you DTMFA. How long have they been together? What are the complexities we're missing in a one sided, 3 paragraph email. Sorry Dan; I love your advice until it becomes a simplistic- IDK, just get out.
116
People: Google is your friend.
http://www.supernaturalwiki.com/index.ph…
Although I'd give a lot to be able to unsee the contents of that page. Wait, make that, "of that fandom."

#68/#109: Indeed it is sad to see Dan Savage trolled by 4chan. Is not even the profane sacred?!?
117
in re lah:

we hear your side. we have no idea whether you are telling the truth yourself or giving us spin. for all i know you may be initiating 10X a day, not giving the guy time to breathe, or once a month. you may be giving a very cursory BJ or the BJ to end all others. you may have weird kinks or be so vanilla you're a bean. you may be obsessive jealous searching his phone records and pants pockets or truly perplexed. you could be amazing or the bitch to end all bitches.

having been in a similar situation myself [husband cut me off, told me to take care of myself] i can tell you IT DOESN'T MEAN HE'S CHEATING. there may be lots else going on and maybe DTMFA is the answer, but cheating is not necessarily why. as for me, i left.

WANK: GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN. she hit you for masturbating? next she'll come at you with a knife so you can't do that again.

Please Help Me: go to okcupid.com, lots of techno marrieds on that site.
118
"But I think for monogamous-minded folks, the idea of having your partner literally fantasizing about fucking others feels like a small step away from betrayal and is a big turn off. "

I'm monogamous minded and nope, it doesn't feel like that to me at all.
119
I'm not expecting you to endorse the sexual morality of the Talmud, Mr Savage---I certainly don't---but I think you might want to get some acquaintance with its concept of a "fence law". As the name implies, it is deemed necessary often to create a restriction to keep persons away from breaking a very important restriction---the fence law is more "breakable" than the underlying restriction, so (for example) an Orthodox Jew would sooner, in a survival situation, eat chicken cooked in milk (violating a fence-law) than pork (a primary prohibition).

In this wise, the fence-law would be, "Never have an affair without telling your spouse." That's the rule; it can be broken in exceptional circumstances, particularly to save a marriage worth saving.

(And why is chicken with milk forbidden under Halakha (the Jewish Sharia, complete with our own courts and such...just no violent power, just like American Sharia courst)? It is so because someone who knows the law well might otherwise eat chicken with milk but be observed by someone else who's not so well-versed and furthermore thinks that the chicken were veal...this is another lesson relevant to you, Mr Savage: when someone is accounted wise in some matter, what she might say or do needs to be explained _carefully_, lest others who are not wise get the wrong impression. I doubt that this could have helped the husband in the first case this week, who I think will do as he will but wants someone to tell him he's right, and will look until he finds someone he thinks is doing so, but for every extreme jerk there may be ten normal jerks who might be open to persuasion.)
120
WANK: GET OUT. NOW. Just.... go.

PHM: Seriously, go hang out where there are lots of single middle aged ladies. I suggest taking lessons at a higher-end horse barn. My old riding instructor used to comment that the largest female dating pool in the NATION was being overlooked simply because men in the U.S. don't ride horses...

Or join some other club where you'll meet someone with common interests. Take a class. Old fashioned, yes, and kind of square, but a great way to expand your social circle. If you're socially inept, you'd better work on that, because women don't go for that.

And... just get divorced already! Move out! You're looking like a wishy-washy geezer who wants it BOTH ways by sticking with your defunct relationship. You will become 100000000000000% more datable by reasonably sane widows & divorcees INSTANTLY.

It's kind of hard to swallow that creepy "treated like a queen" thing when the guy you're dating is still living with his lawfully wedded wife. I mean, it would make for an awkward "night in" if you were to run into the Mrs. in the kitchen at breakfast..... How "respectful" is that to ANYone?
121
Maybe LAH's husband isn't cheating.
122
I'm monogamous and the thought of my SO fantasizing about someone else is allowed but depending on who it is - it could definitely feel like betrayal a little bit.

Cute girl at work? Fine. Actress? Sure. Porn star? Duh. Someone off the street? Why not. Former ex/hookup? Meh.

Someone close to me? That would bother me.
123
Fred @ 2 & 52, in case you're still reading...

If you didn't find one during your first internet search, my advice is to keep looking.


Short advice, to be sure, but I'm going to guess that a) that's the only advice that can be offered, short of suggesting other dating websites similar to the ones PHM tried, and b) the main reason it was published here was to show Mr. and Mrs. LAH a concrete example of what Dan was talking about, and NOT so much to give advice. Which may kind of suck for PHM, but it's probably lucky that he got any kind of answer at all, given the volume of emails Dan likely receives.
124
I don't get how porn is such a big deal in straight relationships.

In gay relationships it is common for partners to share porn, send each other some hot porn pictures by email, enjoy porn separately or incorporate it into sex, etc., and think nothing of it.

I think the basic realization that many women are missing is that PORN HELPS MONOGAMY!
126
#11 Well said, & amen. I'm beginning to think I was kinky for NOT wanting/fantasizing/lusting after anyone but my partner. Glad to know there's at least a few of us weirdo mono's left.
127
Letter 2 is obviously fake.
128
@124: It isn't a big deal in most straight relationships. Just ones with some psycho, controlling women (and maybe a few men as well) who can't deal with it.
129
@15 It looks like this is off topic now, but have you considered the possibility that PHM is your husband?

food for thought:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xckBwPdo…
130
@15 Have you considered the possibility that PHM is your husband?
food for thought:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xckBwPdo…
131
It doesn't bother me that my boyfriend watches porn or if he thinks about others while jerking off sometimes (I assume most people do from time to time), however, I would have to disagree with Dan on his stance on 'innocent' flirting. Unless it's something that both parties have given the ok for each other to do, I really don't think it's right to flirt with others if you're in a monogomous relationship. Yes- even if that flirting isn't going to be going anywhere. It's disrespectful to the person you're with and can be hurtful.
132
Hunter: no, stereotypes persist because most people fit them...not all. And/or because people are ignorant fucktards.

Everyone else: when my bf told me that he fantasizes about fucking other women, it did feel kind of icky to me...because I only fantasize about fucking someone if I'd actually do it, and I don't want to have sex with anyone but my boy. But he says his fantasies aren't connected to what he'd do in real life, and I've accepted the fact that our brains work in different ways.

The twist is that we have recently gone monogamish - I've made out with someone else a couple of times (and I actually have like five other guys I want to kiss, but I'm pacing myself for now because the monogamishness is so new), and he's free to do the same...except he hasn't. He doesn't seem to have anyone he's interested in yet.

So my interest in other people is both more broad and more tame than my boyfriend's. Or something.
134
LAH- I am not married but hats off to your 19 years! Thank you for writing, I was feeling the exact same way you were. My BF brought up the idea of an open relationship last year sometime and decided NOT to mention to me that he was also having sex with someone else. I agreed to it so OK, but for the last few months I have had that CPOS gut intuition telling me something was FUCT UP. We never have sex and Im always made to be the boring one- but if I dont feel wanted and beautiful in my partners eyes than WTF, I do not feel like myself and sexy like I used to with him. Anyhow, we talked and I told him that the lying was the ABSOLUTE problem not the sex act. I just want the security of US and that nothing will take that love and commitment from me, when inevitably that's exactly what happened-someone else came along and all of the sudden I am not on the radar and I was made to feel insecure or WEAK, no thanks. I really want for us to be happy , all else- GAME ON and we can explore anything, Im up for it. I hope your husband sees the error of his selective reading. Thanks again for writing Mr. S and Mr. S thank you for being you (Dan)!

WANK: Your wife is certainly not supportive of what pleases you and in my eyes that is part of her wifely DUTIES (and you,her)! You have obviously tried to be more open and honest. I'd give it one more real, honest, 'you cant help who you are on the inside' try to include her. If she can work it in, great; if she can not, I agree with Dan, DTMFA. There are a few of us sexy, strong, exploratory beautiful women out there. It depends on the person what turns them on, for me its my MAN- and for my best friend its ANY HOT man with a BIG DICK; we are all made up different and we should all be our BEST selves even if that means being open to new ways to please your spouse-yes that person THAT YOU CHOSE (speaking to all- that give their spouses shit about their desires)

PHE- Life is too short, I left a relationship I couldn't afford to leave. I had to go out and get an extra income to do it but I made it happen because its not healthy to stay UNHAPPY especially in front of your kids; you want to show them that they should NOT stay in situations when they are not being built up and supported from their life partner. Why should you accept anything less? You are just as important as everyone else in that home. Good luck!!

135
What is with the need to share that you're masturbating while fantasizing about other people? Is that really a need to know situation? I get that everyone has the right to do it and all, but why on earth would your partner want to hear about it? Why are you sharing with your SO? Its not particularly flattering. There'd be a lot less of these arguments if people just kept that info to themselves. Telling me that kinda seems to me like a sad attempt to make me jealous by an insecure SO. Its not the act itself that bothers me.
138
What is with the need to share that you're masturbating while fantasizing about other people?

I'm betting that about 99% of the time, the person isn't volunteering the info; he or she is simply not lying when asked. Either someone stumbles over their partner's porn stash and wants to know what's up, or someone randomly feels insecure and asks "Do you ever fantasize about other people?" hoping for a no.

I asked my bf about his fantasies and his porn usage because the only way to get over my insecurities was to face them - and it worked. :)

Telling me that kinda seems to me like a sad attempt to make me jealous by an insecure SO.

Yeah, mentioning it unprovoked is a pretty sketchy thing to do...unless the person is in the kind of open or unjealous relationship where their partner would find it hot.
139
@26 I think 43 already addressed your comment, but put it in different words than I would. IMHO, you need to find better women (yes, there's an implied "like me" there).
140
@71: Really?

"What's the worst that could happen?"

Oh, I don't know - how about this? A small child has to cope with their home being broken, their parents becoming enemies (possibly), their sense of security being shattered...

You don't have a child, do you? I don't mean that as a pejorative, but I do find your "worst-case scenario" laughably, lamentably uninformed.
141
WANK:

Call a friend, pack your stuff NOW and get the hell out. She's fucking crazy and not in the Marla Singer "dirty whorish fantasy" sort of way.

She'll continue to hit and for less and less provocation as time goes on.

DTMFA immediately.
142
@71 I have two kids, actually. Perhaps I phrased it badly, but I meant to provoke Steeeeverino into thinking about why he was reluctant to divorce even though his wife was not interested in fucking him anymore.

I think children are resilient. And I think there are ways to get through divorce without becoming enemies. I do not recommend divorce lightly, but when a husband says that he wishes his wife could learn to "enjoy fucking [him]," that's not a time for business as usual.
143
whoops, I mean @140 of course, who was responding to me @71.
144
Matt @123:

Good points. I wasn't so much knocking Dan as nudging more qualified sloggers than I to offer PHM some suggestions. And I was charmed by this gem:
Perhaps we will stay together, or perhaps we'll divorce once the housing market improves and we have a slightly bigger pie to cut in half.
145
Hunter73,

If stereotypes were inherently true they wouldn't be stereotypes. That's not the reason why they persist. Please reformulate.
146
@ Giddy - quoting you: Maybe I'm a freak, maybe I'm lucky, or unlucky? But I think for monogamous-minded folks, the idea of having your partner literally fantasizing about fucking others feels like a small step away from betrayal and is a big turn off.

Here is an article the Kinsey Institute refers to: http://www.defenseforsvp.com/Resources/P…

You can check the frequency and top fantasies for men.

So, as a male that talks with other males and females about sex and based on the article your guy is an outlier OR you are so obvious about you being turned off that he does not dare or care to tell you the truth.

If it is the later you may be creating an environment, where it is unsafe to be honest. Which will likely create bigger problems than you coming to a deeper understanding of your partner's sexuality and overcoming your turn offs.

My guess is that you're not just a freak, but probably a control freak. Ideally he is an outlier and gets turned on by your behavior and you're both having a great time.

147
I am sure I am not the first person to say that this Dan Savage is riding the rocking boat of all who find their greatest peace in sharing sperm and other bodily juices and excrement with one another. Isn't there a greater liberty that affords a greater peace? Aren't we part of a civilized democracy? Or shouldn't we remember that we ought to be? The way that you use such a cheap, pop-culture mode, the lazy acronym, (DTMFA), to reduce the complexities of entire lives and histories unfolding as a divorce would need to be considered is yet another aspect of the cheap, throw-away world we suffer in as this is being written. Everything easy, right? Everything convenient? This discarding of so much sanctity is sickening and dangerous. How sad, you priest of perversion. What is the healing balm for those who have been nearly killed by perversion? For those who still grieve the loss of life because of perversion. Can't you see that this level of comfort with so many kinds of perversion simply inoculates the masses against protecting themselves and their young against the lethal dose?
148
Lonely At Home: not convinced Dan's read the situation right. You say you mostly initiate sex: maybe you want more than your husband and he's trying to say it's ok for you to go elsewhere, but he doesn't want to know.
149
@147: "The way that you use such a cheap, pop-culture mode, the lazy acronym, (DTMFA), to reduce the complexities of entire lives and histories unfolding as a divorce would need to be considered is yet another aspect of the cheap, throw-away world we suffer in as this is being written."

Sounds like a douchebag who wants his or her partner to stay with them through horrible behavior.

"This discarding of so much sanctity is sickening and dangerous."

Yup, at the very least a mental abuser.

151
@71: I get it. Sorry, I guess it's obvious that's one of my hot buttons. My own childhood would have been infinitely better with only one parent, but I see so many, many people just wrecking their kids' lives for greener grass or whatever the hell they think is more important at the moment... Maybe I've been teaching too long.
152
I love EricaP's looking glass, nicely put miss thang!!
153
Hunter78,

it's perfect but it's false. Doesn't that bother you? (That's also an epigram, by the way).

Ah! Stereotypes... Can't live with them, can't live without them (cf. neurocognitive research). Can only try to keep them in check.
154
@61 @71 is there, like, a support group anywhere for people dealing with issues like this?
155
To @1 (and many, many others):

Telling someone who's constantly questioning your fidelity that it comes across as insecure is not necessarily a sign of a cheater. Maybe the guy just feels that being questioned about something so basic to his moral code is insulting. Would you react well if someone asked you every couple of days whether you'd killed anybody recently? To some guys out there, and I assume this is going to come as a shock to you, the idea of cheating on the person we love is just as distasteful as the idea of killing somebody.

Granted I don't go around pressuring my partner on the idea of sex outside marriage, but you don't seem to be making any distinction; and frankly it does make you come across as a bit insecure.
156
To @1 (and many, many others):

Telling someone who's constantly questioning your fidelity that it comes across as insecure is not necessarily a sign of a cheater. Maybe the guy just feels that being questioned about something so basic to his moral code is insulting. Would you react well if someone asked you every couple of days whether you'd killed anybody recently? To some guys out there, and I assume this is going to come as a shock to you, the idea of cheating on the person we love is just as distasteful as the idea of killing somebody.

Granted I don't go around pressuring my partner on the idea of sex outside marriage, but you don't seem to be making any distinction; and frankly it does make you come across as a bit insecure.
157
@154 - The quick answer is there are many groups, some for people striving to understand their cheating spouse:

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/rebu…

http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/…

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.as…

Others for people learning about polyamory or swinging:

http://lists.polyamory.org/listinfo.cgi/…

http://www.lovemore.com/links.php

FetLife.com group: Practicing Polyamory

http://www.grapevines.org/home.htm

But I can't vouch for any of them, as I haven't found them particularly useful for me. If anyone here has a group they've found helpful, I'd be interested in hearing about it.
158
@Dan: Ruh roh. LAH is a perfect example of the danger I wrote about in your sometimes-endorsement of lying in relationships a few columns back. Clearly your intent was not this sort of situation, but you must understand that if one person is writing in about this, there are at least dozens of LTR partners out there who are justifying their douchebaggery via this imaginary source. Someone like you, I think, must be sure to conscientously use his powers for good. Your response IS an example of "making it right," --- yet you still stress it is sometimes okay to lie as if it is somehow "karma-imperiling" to be straight up about one's sexual needs with a sick/disabled/curmudgeony partner. Why? (Not that I have anything else bad to say about you, and I still fantasize about you being straight and available on occasion. ;) And what @119 said.

@11, 30: "Energized by the attractivenes and appeal of others," to me, is synonymous to "thinking about fucking other people." What else do you think energizes you aside from the possibility of sex? Think about what @54 aptly stated regarding fantasy/action distinction.

@44: "The Bible is big on thought crime." lqtm. You are awesome.

@62: "Any partner who expects to have a say over what goes on inside somebody else's skull is a massive control freak." THANK YOU. The newly separated zell_zyte badly needs to internalize this thought.

Shameless self-promotion alert: Mindwinds
159
@157: EricaP: Is there a support group available for understanding the opposite sex? Because I really have no fucking clue.
160
@160: The only one I know is called "life". It is based on personal experiences with people of the opposite sex. It demands a lot of participant observation, a lot of thinking (both emotional and rational), and the capacity to draw conclusions without jumping to facile generalizations. After a while, it does pay off, though.

If you have specific questions, we might address them. :-)
162
@150: "anklosaur,

It's an epigram. I will not reformulate. It's perfect.

Stereotypes persisr because they're true."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Selection_b…

This sort of idiocy is how all manner of pseudoscience spreads.
164
@160: Thanks. I'll look into it.
Life happens, doesn't it?
165
@163: "Or not seeing the forest for the trees."

That's exactly what you're doing wrong.
166
@161 Hunter78: Ah...I guess that's why EricaP hasn't responded to my post (@159).....
167
Maybe the first letter writer's husband is trying to feel around to find out if she'd like to have sex with other people. After all, if she's the one who's initiating sex all the time, then perhaps he thinks he is the one who isn't meeting her needs, and he's telling her to look elsewhere, but that he doesn't want to know about it.
168
@165 - Actually, I thought you were joking. Are you really looking for a support group?
169
@157 & @168 EricaP: All kidding aside, I really was seeking some advice.
A lot of the time I feel like I just can't relate anymore.
But please----no "dating coaches", whatever those are!
170
I gather you're trying to understand men? Of what age & social background? Email works too: EricaPSavage @ gmail.
171
@170: Thanks! I'll check it out.
172
WANK's spouse should be in a holding cell in her county's/city's jail awaiting arraignment for assault and domestica violence charges. WTH. Physical and sexual abusers belong in jail.
173
PHM, sounds like what you want is a relationship. For relationships to succeed, it generally takes two strong, secure people sharing their lives. Strong secure women don't generally get involved with men still living with their wives. So either you can't have a relationship or you'll have to try and find some neurotic nutcase who seeks melodrama, but trust me when I tell you she'll be a pain in the ass and probably addicted to something.

Ergo the solution to your problem is to GET DIVORCED AND MOVE OUT already! What in the world are you waiting for? The housing market's gonna suck for years and you ain't getting any younger.
174
I was married for a long time and never cheated, she got all I had to give. She was the cheating one and left me for another guy. That's Ok I guess, no reason to stay if you're not happy. The girl I'm with now is also a LTR, but we never got married (she says it's just 'paper'). I love her dearly but she hates sex (too much work she says) and after almost 2 decades of jerking off, I decided to start having sex again, just not with her. Besides, I needed to give the calluses on my palm a break!

I don't want to get in another relationship, it complicates things because sooner, or later, someone falls in love and all I want is sex, mostly so I can live with myself. I hate being angry for never 'getting any' and resentful or just plain cranky because I'm in need of release and someone warm to lie beside me. The final straw came for me when my GF said she'd give me a Bj for doing some chore I hate doing (painting). While she was at work, I did a craftsman-like job and fantasized all day about my after-work BJ when she got home. I got all shaved and showered up, and was pretty excited about it. She said with a grin, "I never said I'd give you a BJ". As it is, I feel like I'm being forced into celibacy and that just won't do anymore. You'd think after so many times getting my hopes up, I'd learn-and I finally did. I always thought I'd be ashamed of myself for cheating, but I don't, not at all.

I get what I need from local call girls and I truly have a good time with some very sweet women, and I've been a lot easier to be around lately, just a lot poorer. Paid for GFE sex isn't cheap, but I don't want to hurt some woman when I know that I'm not likely to leave my GF. And because she doesn't want me to touch her, I'm not likely to give her an STD, even though I play safe.

Sex is such a simple and meaningful thing, but it is so complex as well. I do feel for the woman who wrote the first letter to you, Dan. She's in a bad place and still needs to decide where to go from here-I wish her the best.

175
@174

Why on Earth would you want to keep on living with her? She doesn't even like you. You are allowed to live by yourself, you know.
176
*googles hypnosis porn*
177
I'll be in a relationship with you... your move.
178
@15. I think the vice versa was not about the other parter not thinking of others, but about the person writing in thinking of what they would do to their partner and what their partner would do to them.
179
This may seem crazy but if PHM asked me for advice on where to find a woman to have a relationship my first question would be have you tried to have one with the woman living in your house?

I’m not saying that moving on might not be a good option but why not try the more accesible option first? If you’ve grown apart then maybe now is your chance to start over? Why not ask your WIFE on a date? There must have been something there once upon a time. And this way you get the thrill of a new romance and if it still doesn’t work out you can go back to the current plan.

Once you start to put the effort in and spend time together and maybe even try to be intimate (not necessarily sex but start slow with touching, hugs and kisses see where it goes and enjoy the moment). Maybe it is worth trying to bring the romance back? People do grow and change but you might be surprised at just how sexy and amazing this older version of the woman you married can be. Maybe not. But what have you got to lose?

If you can fix the intimacy any other problems may become easier to overcome as well.
180
This may seem crazy but if PHM asked me for advice on where to find a woman to have a relationship my first question would be have you tried to have one with the woman living in your house?

I’m not saying that moving on might not be a good option but why not try the more accesible option first? If you’ve grown apart then maybe now is your chance to start over? Why not ask your WIFE on a date? There must have been something there once upon a time. And this way you get the thrill of a new romance and if it still doesn’t work out you can go back to the current plan.

Once you start to put the effort in and spend time together and maybe even try to be intimate (not necessarily sex but start slow with touching, hugs and kisses see where it goes and enjoy the moment). Maybe it is worth trying to bring the romance back? People do grow and change but you might be surprised at just how sexy and amazing this older version of the woman you married can be. Maybe not. But what have you got to lose?

If you can fix the intimacy any other problems may become easier to overcome as well.
181
I agree with @55. Why does PHM need single/divorced women when he is neither of those things?

Smacks of a double standard and IMHO, where there's a double standard, there's fire.
182
@120 Great advice for PHM. Horse barns, figure skating, ballet classes, any kind of couples dancing such as ballroom, swing, contra, or square. All places where there are a lot more women than men. I'm not sure why guys haven't figured that out yet.

But, "He who knows, knows": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O68uMR7dR…