Savage Love



@fakedansavage ???
WTF is that?
"At that moment, the blowjob bestower—your friend's new GF, in this case—can remove the dick from her mouth and point it at her tits or over her shoulder or at his mother."
I lol'd at that.
Who is this "fake Dan Savage"? Or for brevity's sake, can we just call him "San Davage"?
Yeah, where's @therealdansavage?
Men don't need to tell us when they've reaching "orgasmic inevitability." We know when he's getting close and we can decide whether to switch to some other option or continue as is. It is incredibly hot when he starts to make those incoherent sounds and clutches the sheets and his movements become involuntary. Yes, I enjoy it a lot but I'm doing this for him. I would hate for him to have to get out of the moment to tell me what's obvious.
"I'm a 24 yr old straight girl" are ya sure . . .?
@5: Don't assume that all guys are alike. Some of us are more collected or cool-headed than others. Everyone's different in bed, and some guys might need to tell their intimate others when.
If anything, NQAD provides more evidence for presumed homsexuality than presumed heterosexuality.

An ACE bandage for a blindfold? I had a non-sexual playmate who always favoured them for restraints, and I agreed with him that they were much more comfortable than anything else I ever encountered.

And my inner cross-examiner is wondering why NQAD mentions the "loss" of virginity as such a great experience instead of saying, "He's the only person with whom I've had sex," etc. The most obvious answer would be that the BF isn't the only person with whom NQAD has been, but then it seems as if the letter might have been different. It could just be fudgy phrasing, of course.
WTF - the thing about having something inside of you, even if it's not moving, is it tends to make you come harder. Just because it's there. Doesn't have to be a dick. Could be a cucumber. But it works. Try masturbating with something inside you, don't get all complicated and move it around, but just have it inside you. See how it goes. Give it a few tries. It's something about giving your muscles something to hold onto. Make sure nothing breakable is directly across from you (crotch rocket alert!). And of course every guy who fucks you should be working your clit, right? Or you are if he isn't? It's true if you aren't getting any clit action, for a lot of women, PIV doesn't do much. Sort of a like a vigorous tooth brushing, but less satisfying. It's pretty easy to fade out and start counting dead bugs trapped in the ceiling light. Don't get all worried about it. PIV is good because of/with clit contact. If you are lucky, you might get some of those inside bits activated too. You can try to work that out on your own or find a handy man. We don't have a lot of feeling up there for a couple of reasons (except in certain spots), so don't get all tragic about your innards not lighting up. They aren't supposed to. It's the outside bits and maybe the first inch or two of depth that are of most worth for most people (hold on tight, you'll feel it more).
WTF might also want to try positions that let her use a vibrator while being penetrated. I was like her at the beginning of my sexual life, not really enjoying penetration, but enduring it for my partner's sake, and it sucked. Combining it with the use of the vibrator meant more lubrication, more fun, and the beginning of an association of penetration with orgasms. I still don't come from penetration alone, but it's a lot more fun than it used to be
WTF - also, for some reason, breathing matters. Deep slowish (I know, but try), actually seems to make a difference. Kinda weird.
Also of course, being on top. And why not give anal a whirl?
While I do realize that all men are different, I have to agree with #5. I know you're coming, you don't need to tell me. I would encourage the conversation of where do you want it to occur before the head of the cock passes between her lips. At least the first few times, unti lshe learns to recognize his tells. After that she can make the decision without consulting him, if she is the decider. I agree the swallow or aim that thing elsewhere should be consensual, but he should at least get a vote.

WTF needs to understand that there is nothing wrong with her. My understanding is that a lot of women don't get much from PIV penetration. Lots of foreplay, lots of masturbation, lots of trying new positions. Also, engaging the parts of her body that she does derive sexual pleasure from during penetrative sex could help. In regards to the gspot advice (yes, Virginia, there really is a Gspot!) try having a clitoral orgasm (or 2 or 3, have a few, they're small) before attempting to locate and stimulate the gspot--it can work like a switch, arousal can cause the gspot area to fill with fluid and become more pronounced. Maybe anal would be her cup of tea. And if she never has a just from vaginal penetration orgasm, so what? Orgasms come in all shapes and sizes, from all sorts of different stimulation. There's no right or wrong orgasm, it really is all good.

Re WTF, I disagree with the expert's advice to have her be on top, and instead like catballou's advice @14 to try lots of different positions to see if any are especially fun, and to see which ones work best for clitoral stimuation. (For me, that's doggie style -- the only position where I can really get the Hitachi where I need it.)

I also like catballou's advice to include lots of other parts of the body -- during intercourse, he can nibble your earlobes, tweak your nipples, fondle your ass, insert a finger or toy into your anus...
Re NQAD, I recommend getting a copy of Dossie Easton's The New Topping Book. And look for classes on running a scene or rope tying in your area. The classes themselves are handy, and you'll meet people who can share ideas & tips with you.

I would also advise that, in your own head, you divide your topping activities into two categories:

These are scenes that you, the domme, are secretly doing for him, because you want to please him and help him explore this new realm of his sexuality. In these scenes, the two of you are teammates, helping figure out what flavor & intensity of BDSM he likes. Some things to try – orgasm delay or denial; nipple play; sensation / pain play (for instance, tell him you will spank him until he says yellow, and then he will get 5 more swats. You can also do a trial set for calibration where you ask him to name where each swat lies on a scale from 1 and 10.)

These are to help you start to feel that topping is fun for you. Think of something you enjoy that you don't get often enough: foot massage; back rub; oral sex, him getting you off with the vibrator, whatever. Then make him do it :-) If he doesn't do it long enough, or enthusiastically enough, make him go sit in the corner until he behaves. (Don't reward him for misbehaving by giving him fun sensation play – that teaches the wrong lesson and you'll never feel in charge.)

Again, don't make this distinction explicit – it's important to act as if the Service-Top activities are just as fun for you as the Service-Bottom activities.

I also recommend avoiding punishment scenes unless it's very playful -- ("start at my toes and kiss all the way up to my ears, slowly. If you get up here in less than twenty seconds, I'll give you ten swats on your bottom.") That way he can "disobey" playfully, to "earn" a "punishment" that he really wants.

Another good tip for beginners: if you have the discipline, keep a journal of what you enjoyed and what didn't work so well.
I think WTF should definitely try clit stimulation during PIV sex. I actually didn't experience an orgasm until I tried that.

But, like some others have said, she doesn't have to be on top for the guy to reach her clit (my ex actually said it was difficult to reach in that position). One really comfortable position to try is placing your knees over his hip while lying down (her on her back, him on his side, facing her). That gives him easy access to the clit while thrusting and lets both people lie down.
While NQAD's boyfriend probably is just embarrassed to talk about his kinky interests, there is another possibility. For at least some submissives, being asked "How do you want me to dominate you?" is a huge, mood-killing turn-off. As unfair as may be to your non-dominant GGG partner, having to tell them "I want you dominate me by doing XYZ" can totally undermine the feeling that they're dominant and in control.
@5 I've definitely been with quiet-cumming guys before. I would never get into a relationship with one, but I've had enough one-night stands to know that not every guy gets involuntarily twitchy and vocalize-y when he's near orgasm. He may just close his eyes, which you won't notice if you're sucking his dick.

I'd be pretty pissed if a guy came in my mouth without warning me! I think it's better to discuss "where do you want me to cum?" beforehand. I usually aim it at my chest for a one-night stand.
I liked Dan's advice to WTF, which is essentially, keep experimenting, and don't worry that there's something wrong physically or mentally if vaginal never does much for you. I only come from clitoral stimulation (like so many women) but I do get a lot of pleasure from vaginal penetration. But how much pleasure depends on the position. My partner can shift just a bit and the intensity of sensation can drop from 60 to nearly zero. And size can matter a bit (sorry)--I had a partner with a pretty wide cock and that consistently provided more stimulation and sensation (however, my current partner, while slightly less endowed, overall provides MUCH more stimulation and pleasure, just in other ways). So, keep trying the angles and see what it's like when you have different partners.
I've seldom been able to tell when a guy is going to come from a blow job, and if you're not using a condom then it is often pleasant to have some warning, yes. It's also nice to have feedback throughout! If he says "yes, keep doing that," then I keep doing that, and if some other action gets no special response, I tend to stop doing it. It's more fun for me when I know what things are causing the guy to have fun.

WTF, totally agree with the suggestions to experiment, relax, and stop thinking that something is wrong with you. I'd add: don't think so much of the clitoral and vaginal as different and separate orgasms. There's no steel wall between them, or between the sensations they produce. When I first started having sex, I never had orgasms centered around or beginning in the vagina. Over time, that changed, and now I almost always do. A lot of factors can change over time and affect the experiences you have. As long as you're having fun, I wouldn't worry about it. Just experiment and enjoy it.
I may have to break down and finally get a Twitter account.
Dan, who wrote:
your boyfriend is so submissive that he's submitting to his submissive girlfriend, and how perverted is that?

Been there, done that. By your choice of words alone, Dan, you've made me smile in this dreadfullly cold November morning here.

To NQAD: one thing that worked with some submissive girlfriends of mine who were also surprised by me having submissive desires was to play some little, non-threatening games. For instance, the kissing game: I pretend I really want to kiss her, and she says "no!" dramatically, until I "earn" the right to kiss her -- either at a whim, or by doing something else (even something non-sexual, like washing the dishes) that pleased her. Then she'd say "you've earned your kiss" and we'd share a big vanilla romantic kiss.

That sort of made the mindset of dominance easier for said girlfriends to parse and relate to. Later on, things could evolve, depending on each girl's own interests and level of comfort.

To WTF: curiously enough, there are also men for whom the penis-in-vagina (PIV) traditional type of intercourse isn't so rewarding. I'm one of those. PIV sex can be fun, but it takes (for me at least) too much effort for too little sensation. I usually do it at the behest of my female partner (despite the claim -- or fact -- that many women can't orgasm for PIV intercourse alone, I've noticed most girlfriends I had wanted, sometimes even demanded, it).

Maybe finding such a guy -- who wouldn't be so fixated on ejaculating in your vagina -- would be a possibility for you? Or are you rather more interested in trying to make PIV sex worthwhile for you? (I've learned a few tricks, but of course they'd work only on men who don't like PIV sex, not on women).
I had that lack of interest in vaginal intercourse thing going on for a long time. I thought I was a dyke even due to this. Then I discovered men who enjoyed and were proficient at giving oral sex. Never mind that dyke thought ;-) I never thought of it as a malfunction tho; I just figured I was one of the majority of women who don't get off that way.

I should note, about 10 years after I discovered that oral was how to get me off, I met a guy who did get me off from sex. He never made it his mission, he never treated me like I was broken, we never "worked on it" just one day while fucking everything went right and it happened. And after a couple of years, we even got really good at making it happen. Good enough that I married him.
@25(wendykh), how sweet! :-)
I should also add even while not orgasming from PIV, and it really not having much more sensation than a warm sensual massage at most, I craved it and yes, like 24 says, was one of those women who really "needed" it for sex to feel complete. I just really dug the sensation of a good pounding and knowing my partner was into me. Which leads me to wonder if WTF is simply not orgasming from it, doesn't find it that exciting, or has an outright aversion to it. It's not clear from her letter. I would have freaked out personally to be with a guy who didn't want to fuck even tho I personally wasn't into it in the way I thought I should be.

Oh and go fig, when I did finally start orgasming from PIV and loving it? Plain ol' missionary. And it's the only way I can get there too that I have found thus far, about 7 years in.

Finally, I find it a bit weird WTF chose Dan of all sex columnists to write to about this. I only say that because I remember feeling super inadequate until I had the chance to meet and spend time with a female sex columnist here who very regularly let women know most women can't/don't come from PIV and don't feel bad about it. She really was inspirational to me. So I find it strange I have to say that WTF is not only going to a man, but a gay man who has a rather well known pussy aversion, to get advice on this. I just really think there might be better places out there?
Aaaaaaaand, time to spam about my book again. The Orgasmic Diet. Will help wake up the sleeping vagina. Give it six weeks.
Re LW3: There is no such thing as a "G-Spot": it's a myth invented by straight men so that they can claim that a woman should be satisfied by vaginal penetration only, without clitoral stimulation. (Female ejaculation is similarly a myth: human females do not have a gland with which to produce ejaculate.)

Needing clitoral stimulation is not a "malfunction" for a woman any more than needing penile stimulation is for a male. The clitoris IS the source of the female orgasm.

If your bf is unwilling to take care of your orgasmic needs because he's avoiding your clitoris, then it's time to move on to someone who's mature enough to consider your needs equal to his own.
When my BF and I were first incorporating a little BDSM into our relationship he came up with a fun game that gave me the experience of submitting while still having a lot of control:

He had two glasses of wine - one, the cup of pleasure, and the other the cup of pain. I continually chose which one I wanted to drink from. If the cup of pain, I got held down, spanked or whipped, if the cup of pleasure, he stroked, kissed or went down on me, maintaining his dominant character. Repeat for as long as both parties are enjoying it, then stop/ fuck/cuddle/whatever. I could request pain as many times in a row as I felt good with it, then switch to pleasure when I needed a break. Very loving, continually consensual, a fun and gradual introduction to the possibilities, with a continual reassessing of boundaries all as part of the scene, with the option to switch to vanilla at any point.

NQAD could try something like that, to get a feel for her boyfriend's preferences very safely for both of them - after first discussing things and thoroughly establishing important preferences and boundaries as well, of course. This kind of game can give you safety for your boyfriend to demonstrate his capacity for pain/submission, without you worrying you're going to go too far, or pushing him into things he doesn't like. As this side of your relationship develops, you can gradually increase the intensity of the activities (if you want to) when you begin to feel confident that you know his needs and limits. And I second Dan's blindfold suggestion, to help you maintain your role, until you're confident!

But he does have to discuss things with you. Important things you NEED to know may include: Is he happy wearing a blindfold? Is he happy to be physically restrained? Does his pleasure come from pain, or only from the idea of being obedient? Are there parts of his body that, if struck, produce a bad, unsafe sense of vulnerability, as opposed to a fulfilling, exciting one? If he likes pain, what degree of pain is ok for him? What degree of helplessness/vulnerability does he want to experience? How far does he want his mistress to help him push his boundaries? Does he have emotional triggers you should be aware of? Until you are confident that you know what he needs and can cope with, he needs to be telling you these things.
@14: what a helpful, practical, concise and friendly bunch of advices! Thank you for taking the time. I'm sure any kink newbie in the LW's position will appreciate it.
le sigh. i'm sure it's been said in previous comments but there is NOTHING wrong with you if you just can't come from vaginal penetration.

actually, that is the norm. all these people telling you that you can learn... well they may be right but why make it the be all and end all? and the end effect is to make you feel inadequate when an equally plausible explanation is that your lover is not very competent.

Um. The G-spot is not a myth. Sure, we don't really know shit about it, but I most certainly have one. Clearly you don't.

To the woman who doesn't enjoy PIV sex: that may just be how it's going to be, or it may be because you haven't had good experiences. My first several encounters with PIV were SOOO boring and disappointing I cried for like a day. PIV sex, with the right partner and knowledge about my body, became an ridiculously awesome source of pleasure that has only increased over the years.

But again, as other have said here, there are sooo many other ways to have sex, feel good, and get off.
Great advice to WTF both in the column and within the forum already.

I would only add that, if she's in the exploratory phase, I would have a clitoral orgasm first before exploring different positions or trying G-spot diving. I too "evolved" to now getting my G-spot in the game as early as possible, but in my early 20s I was one of those fear-consumed fools who didn't think it existed. It was only after I started thinking of the first orgasm as a warm-up, or really a gateway to something far more intense, that things started to change for me.

The advice too of inserting something *without* thrusting (especially if you use it to put sustained pressure on the G-Spot) is, ahem, spot on. If my partner does that shit with hands or toys and then fucks me I go ballistic. Thinking that also makes me think back, with a kind of fondness actually, of that fear-driven fool I was in my 20s who insisted that all women in porn who carry on like that were faking. Ah, to be young again...

@29 I feel genuinely sorry for you. Truly.

It would be nice if Savage could have one forum on female sexuality where we didn't have to spend time, yet again (ffs!), having to prove that G-spots and female ejaculation are real. If it's this fear-driven and denial-laden in Savage's corner of the world, which should by definition self-select for more sex-positive and open people (plus trolls), I really despair for women elsewhere.

The first question, with the key fumbling, giggling, etc... makes me hungry to hear more of these. Like BSDM--for lack of a better word--bloopers.


You are a moron.

Just because YOU personally have never experienced stimulation of your G-Spot or ejaculation doesn't mean that other women can't.

Maybe you should look into the vast amount of scientific research proving both a G-Spot and female ejaculation THAT SHE SPECIFICALLY ASKED ABOUT before giving unsolicited advice. Yes, she asked for advice, but she didn't ask YOU for advice, she asked someone who professionally gave advice and also provided a doctor with a degree specifically in sexology to fill in any blanks he had.

Educate your ignorant self before telling someone she should end her relationship, a relationship she MAY NOT EVEN HAVE, as she only mentioned hypothetical partners; she never referenced a real person.


It would be a good idea for him to have a page that compiles scientific studies on sexuality and summarizes them for us general folk, with links to the actual studies if someone wants more information.
@29 That seems to be the most up to date sexual finding, from what I can determine. I suspect women's physical situation is more complicated than has been determined at this point. I say that because our equipment is just more complicated and I think the research, particularly for women's sexuality, is in its infancy.

I don't believe there is a G spot either, at least not with anything like the results from clit stimulation. I know that for me, PIV sex generally creates such a stretch in my entire crotch area that I can't even successfully stimulate my clit at the same time.

I certainly can sympathize with WTF. Inability to come from vaginal sex was a major source of disappointment to me for a long time. I feel such a strong desire for penetration, but then the completion just doesn't happen that way.

I felt inadequate that men had to do so much work and such careful manipulation to get me off. I resented myself for this situation, not them.

Over time I found that I had to actually adapt my body into the discomfort of intercourse before the pain and irritation didn't drop me out of arousal completely. Now I can sometimes have a vaginal orgasm from hard, thrusting penetration, although it's never as big a reaction as a clitoral orgasm.

My tips: Dildos of varying sizes with Gallons of lube. VIBRATORS of every kind. Find a guy who is GGG, and a *willing communicator*. Above all, forgive your body for not behaving like the unrealistic ones you read about in romance novels. Practice delayed satisfaction.

Besides couple foreplay, if you get aroused by reading graphic romance novels, looking at pictures of sex, or viewing porn, do that as well. You can even try writing your own porn as I did. It's the best way to customize precisely what mental images get you in the mood.

If I was rich enough, I'd finance some really good women's porn films. I suspect I'd quickly become one of the 1% . LOL


Gotta join @33 and @37 on this one--the G-spot is real. Perhaps not all women have one, or perhaps a lot of women have a hard time finding theirs, but it's not a myth.

It is, however, awfully obtuse of you to tell women who have G-spots or are able to ejaculate that these things simply "aren't real." What, are we crazy? Imagining things? When I am able to come hard--and easily-- from penetration alone, is this some kind of psychological anomaly? Fuck that, @29. It's bullshit like this that gives feminism a bad name; not everything is a plot by evil straight men to control us.
I feel WTF's pain. I, for years, hated vaginal penetration. Particularly if I wasn't "warmed up" enough. It kinda hurt and I certainly never came from just the penetration. Here's what worked for me. I bought a dildo. Not exactly a vibrator, though it did vibrate, more of a jelly-fleshy like thing shaped generally like a penis, and not a huge penis, but a regular one. I would start masturbating with only clitoral stimulation and when I was particularly aroused, I would insert the dildo and just do what felt good, sometimes thrusting, sometimes just keeping it in there and continuing clitoral stimulation. And I started having the most intense, squirty orgasms of my life. And now with my boyfriend, vaginal sex feels good and while I still need intense amounts of foreplay and clitoral stimulation, at least I can come during vaginal penetration. Also, being on top, even with the dildo, is key.

Also, to poster who disbelieves the existence of g-spots and female ejaculation, the science is most definitely not on your side. Dan wrote about this eons ago, but a study was conducted on the chemical composition of female ejaculate and it was NOT urine.
@29: babby's first troll
@25 & @27 -- Me, too. All of sudden, it was great. I had passed my 30th birthday. Maybe it was purely physical or maybe I had just become comfortable in my own skin, but PIV is wonderful and now I know what all the fuss is about.
"(Female ejaculation is similarly a myth: human females do not have a gland with which to produce ejaculate.)"

Clearly you have never had (or been) a lover who has female ejaculated: it is *quite* real. (and delightful :).
It's true that "virginity loss" is sex-negative terminology. The preferred term in reproductive health practice is "sexual debut."
This might not be true with all, but every time a girl didn't want me to cum in her mouth she said so before the blowjob. Just a quick "hey, by the way, tell me when you're about to cum, I don't want it in my mouth". Every girl that was ok with it said nothing and just went down. Like others said, it's not hard to tell when a guy is about to blow a load.
I wonder if Sexual Advice Xactly Our Need is a Doctor Who fan.

I agree with everyone who's been saying that it's not hard to tell when a guy's about to come--in general. The first few times you fuck someone, it's just good manners to let the person know when you're about to come. I can usually tell, but I always appreciate the heads up (ugh, no pun intended).
Do we know that #29 is female?
@19 WHAT?? There are women out there that have FUN giving blow jobs? where can i find one?? All too rare (and valuable)
I used to be so bored by vaginal intercourse that I thought I was a lesbian. But then I actually started dating a guy who has the perfect penis (not too big, not too small), the perfect touch, and the perfect style. Now I am gooey wet without any foreplay and I initiate vaginal intercourse twice a day. I love it. Maybe she just hasn't found the right dick yet.
#29: perhaps you are not female. There is a G-spot, but access to mine requires me to curl up like a squirrel with my head to my knees, pointing my ass up to the ceiling, and being entered from behind. Worth it. Cheers!
NQAD: Talking about sex is part of having [good] sex. Therefore, as your boyfriend's dom, you could try ordering him to tell you what he wants as part of your play.

16 said that for many subs, telling your partner what to do to you can undermine the feeling of being dominated. But what if you framed it more like this: you're commanding him to make himself vulnerable by confessing his fantasies to you. Speaking for myself, being pressured to share my secret desires, rather than revealing them on my own time, is a very vulnerable experience. It would definitely feel like a power game if somebody did that to me. Your boyfriend might get off on that feeling.
@50: You GO, girl!! I envy you!!! Better hang on to him!
WTF - it might also get better as you get older. I also had a "meh" feeling about penetration when I was younger. Vaginal orgasms were out of the question. But I really felt like my body "learned" or "made more connections" down there as I aged. All you teens or 20-somethings: I mean it! Be patient, but don't be afraid to tell your men to focus on other kinds of orgasms in the meantime. Your 30's might be your decade of vaginal epiphany.
But hey - if that doesn't happen there's nothing wrong with that. You got your clit and tits and all other sorts of things to play with.
@38: "Above all, forgive your body for not behaving like the unrealistic ones you read about in romance novels."

Be very careful about dubbing anyone's sexuality as "unrealistic". There's a whole continuum of orgasmic response, ranging from complete anorgasmia to multiples-at-the-drop-of-a-hat. The picture in romance novels may seem idealized, but it represents some people's reality.

I've noticed that people who struggle with their sexual response like to dismiss the experiences of more responsive people who reach orgasm easily from a variety of stimulation. After a while, it really does start to sound like sour grapes (not saying you did this, though other posters are hinting that way).
Most women can't come during vaginal sex. That last girl shouldn't be so concerned.
NQAD: Extending what #52 said, you might even try an interrogation scene. Simply tie him up and give him a soft, slow, well-lubed handjob while you "interview" him about his naughty little submissive fantasies. Tone of voice can be whatever you feel will get the most erotic response out of him, but if in doubt, start out professional with a hint of sensuality. Stroke him while he's still compliant, coherent and clear-speaking and pause if he lapses or if he gets too close to orgasm. There's no hurry. You will probably notice him becoming more subby as the scene continues. If he has any fetishes you know about, consider making use of them. Applying an exam glove before you start can help set the scene and will ease cleanup afterward. It's your call whether he comes at the end or not, but I recommend going with the opposite of what you think he'd prefer.

Big caution about this type of scenario: just like in official interrogations, information obtained may be unreliable and should be verified before use. He might get a bit ahead of his actual readiness level; note these in your head for later. He might say things he think will please you; a hand gently closed around his balls accompanied by "It'll be much easier if you only tell me the truth" can dissuade that behavior.
I can get off from vaginal stimulation, but usually only after being extensively warmed up. The one exception is when my partner and I have sex laying on the side and he enters from behind - it means his hands are free to do whatever they want, and since I'm not either moving his weight or mine, I can go as fast or hard as I want. Win win for both of us.
I get all twitchy and shit when the deluge is forthcoming, but even if I didn't I'd fake it out of courtesy for the person kind enough to suck my cock to orgasm. (It's just good manners people.) Additionally, asking her where she wants it is a lovely opportunity to engage in some exciting banter. :)

@29: Hey, 1990 called. They want their sex theory back. I'm currently with a woman whose G-spot sensitivity and squirting are things of amazement which just can't be faked.
@55: Such a response may indeed exist, but because it is a statistical outlier, it is therefore "unrealistic" to expect most people to respond in that fashion. They aren't saying you specifically are an "unrealistic" actress in bed because you happen to come like a Harlequin heroine.

Anybody who is told that, for example, multiple orgasm is "unrealistic," thinks to herself "Well, I'm multiply orgasmic," and ends up feeling delegitimized by that should go see someone about her self-esteem issues. That's roughly the same as feeling bad about getting all A's in school when it's unrealistic to expect everyone to. It would be silly to feel anything but (quietly) pleased with yourself.
WTF: You should also know that there are males out there (myself included)that just aren't that turned on by vaginal. Everyone else seems game and I've gone along, but I find it can't really stand up to intense foreplay or other options.

So find the things you do like, and don't be able to tell your partners about them! Some guy may simply breathe a sigh of relief and just say, "yea, me neither."
@30 – great ideas!
@31 – thank you!
@57 - hot!

@40 "Also, being on top, even with the dildo, is key." – Could you describe how that works with the dildo? Are you squatting or kneeling, or lying down on your stomach? And do you remove the dildo before squirting? And if so, do you remove it before you start to feel the approach of the inevitable orgasm, or after?

@49 many, many women in America love giving blowjobs. Try asking passionately for blowjobs and show your pleasure by moaning while she does it. Also give her sex acts in return that she asks for and loves. Then dump any woman who doesn't have fun with both giving and receiving – in other words, stand up for yourself and take your sexual desires (and hers) seriously.

Oh, honey...

Are you just sad your man can't find yours? Why don't you go whip yourself up a batch of cookies and make yourself feel better. A bit of sugar might calm down your wacky conspiracy theories.

Moving on: some women absolutely CAN be satisfied from vaginal penetration alone (no fingers! no vibrator!) and some of these women even forgo receiving oral sex because they'd much much much prefer get to the good part and skip ahead to getting pounded. Yeah, hi.

I'm sorry, you think women who don't enjoy receiving oral sex should get dumped? Dislike.
65 gotta RUB your clit while he's bangin' ya. Most women are like that - there is NOTHING wrong with you! Dan should have stressed that more! And sex expert is stupid!
@64 -- nope. read it again. I'm telling him to figure out what sex acts she loves, and give her lots of that. I'm not referring to receiving oral sex, but receiving sexual pleasure, by whatever means works for that woman. And, yes, I think men-who-love-receiving-sexual-pleasure should dump women-who-don't-love-receiving-sexual-pleasure. My experience is that sex has to be about both people's pleasure (simultaneously or in turns), or it will shrivel up and die.
I could take or leave vaginal penetration. Then I reached my sexual peak and found my position (from behind, with my head hanging over the edge of the bed), and it makes me SCREAM. So there's still hope.

I'm on board with that.
I find that men who LOVE giving oral have a certain vibe that I find reeeeeally unattractive.
You're right though, I agree. :)
@46 (blackmoreinc): Haha, I had the same thought! *fistbump*

As to NQAD: If you're finding it hard to shake off your own submissiveness, think of the whole dominating-him thing as a service to him. He clearly wants it, so you're actually submitting to his desires by being dominant. Yes, it's convoluted, and that's why BDSM is fun!

29 is female. This is not her first comment and if you go to her profile you can see that other comments of hers mention that she is female. Unless, of course, 41 is right; trolling is done by both sexes.
WTF Dan -- really? You didn't tell her that it's not a malfunction. It's actually more normal than not!! Most women rarely or never have an orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone. I'm 32 and have been sexually active since I was 18. I've done it in every single position and at every angle. And I have never had an orgasm from vaginal stimulation. Which is actually totally normal. Every study I've ever read (many) say that somewhere between 70-90% of women have the same experience. And not every woman has a g-spot. In fact, many sex researchers would to as far as to say most women don't have a g-spot. I know I don't have one. The only orgasms I've had were from some kind of clitoral stimulation. Like most women. Which makes sense -- the clitoris and the penis are made out of the same tissue. Even women who do have vaginal orgasms usually have them because of some kind of indirect clitoral stimulation. You're usually awesome Dan. But I think you talked to the wrong expert about this one. Your last couple of paragraphs were the only ones you really needed. And I don't even think she needs to tell her partners as if this is some kind of "malfunction" or unusual thing she has. Most guys already know this if they've had sex with a few women since most women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm! And if they don't know yet, then she can teach them -- not just about her, but about normal female sexual response. Then the next girl won't have to explain it to them!
I'm built like WTF and I don't think I'm a freak, I think a lot of women are like that. We're brainwashed by porn to believe that a woman's favourite sex act is penetration.

Ugh. I've never watched straight porn in my life and penetration is my favourite sex act by a million miles. Disagree.

If you don't like it, that's fine, but just leave it at that.

caliclimbgirl, when you say that orgasm from penetration comes from "indirect clitoral stimulation," you're right...sort of. The current research says that what is traditionally considered the clitoris is the external portion of a much larger organ, which extends across the labia and surrounds the wall of the vagina. In that case, it's not indirect stimulation at all.

I don't think Dan pushed the idea that this girl is somehow malfunctioning, because it's true that many women never come from penetration alone. However (and I think some of the comments here will back me up on this), just because a woman hasn't really enjoyed vaginal penetration doesn't mean that she can't enjoy it. It's not helpful to make a big deal out of it either way, but I don't think your approach is particularly helpful either:
Most guys already know this if they've had sex with a few women since most women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm! And if they don't know yet, then she can teach them -- not just about her, but about normal female sexual response.'s those crazy G-spot bitches who are abnormal, is it? The average straight guy should be aware of all varieties of "normal" in female sexuality. And women who have yet to come from vaginal intercourse shouldn't close themselves to the possibility, because their bodies might surprise them down the road (see @25, @27, @42 and @50).



It does feel like a put down when people try to say that the way you are is some fictional thing created by porn and real women aren't that way. I'm a skinny girl who is proportionately well endowed in the breast department, and I hear women say all the time about how that combo is "not natural" and only happens from plastic surgery and it's just a male fantasy and blah blah blah. And it's not just that, I also prefer PIV to all other sex acts (which several women here have said is a made up male thing) and I am very vocal and etc etc etc.

It is eventually somewhat upsetting to hear, especially when it feels so constant.

Most of the time I'm able to shrug it off and just assume people are jealous or it's sour grapes as 50 said but that takes quite a bit of ego to sustain and even a person with a healthy self esteem might struggle to come to that conclusion each and every time.
"Stimulate the anterior wall of the vagina (side nearest the belly button) about five centimeters in,"

Or not.

Everyone I've ever known who likes g-spot stimulation - and especially those who have huge gushing g-spot orgasms - have their g-spots at or very near the vaginal entrance (again, at the top, but this is the only correlation). Just like I've always been told, it's a spongy spot, but it's position can vary fairly widely in my experience.
I still need to read the rest of the comments, but a bit of advice for NQAD: If he isn't comfortable just sitting down and telling you, have him describe it to you like a sexy fantasy (possibly during mutual masturbation). You can even "order" him to describe a fantasy. That might make it sexier for him than feeling like he's handing you a script. When i first started subbing, I felt like it might tell the fun out to have to tell the dom what do do, so I just told them my (realistic) fantasies while making out. Good Luck!
Hey WTF, try not to stress about this. You're normal. And I promise you that sex changes a lot for most women from your early 20's - your 30's.

A big part of it, I have to say, is that the men you will be with will be more experienced and better lovers.

When I was your age I thought PiV sex was fun, but not terriby exciting. Or particularly orgasmic. Now the kind of orgasm I recieve via PiV is earth shattering. It just takes some time. Have some fun on your own with a toy, when the pressure's off, to see what you like, and find a guy who's dick fits you well, and whose sexual cadence matches what yours. It'll happen, I promise.
I've got a question: I find it better to stimulate a woman's G-spot with the middle finger...seems to be easier and with a better orientation than the index finger. Perhaps a stupid observation, but do other people feel the same?
my husband tried to stimulate my gspot once and it was just intensely uncomfortable. he's doing it wrong? or i don't have one? or should i be further along in the process than just-got-undressed? in any case, i was not encouraged.
@80 You need to be really turned on already. Further along in the process, yes.
@79: Hmmmmmmm.....MIDDLE finger vaginal & G-spot stimulation...
Thanks! I'll try that!
@80, @81 has a good point, but even then, I have to be rather gentle about it. Too much poking in that area can be VERY painful to me, and I normally come VERY easily from purely vaginal sex. I think it just depends on the person, though it can be better when I'm further along.
I also suggest girl-on-top for trying it, because you have greater control (to keep it from being too much, or too poke-y).
@40 let's see that study.

Any moron can tell that it's just pee.
29 does have a point. If a guy refuses to touch the clitoris and tells his girlfriend she should be able to come from PIV alone, without foreplay, she has a very good reason to DTMFA.
@60: To me, it seems like women who aren't highly orgasmic push hard to have THEIR version of reality construed as normative, and the women who are highly orgasmic branded as "outliers". Yet that statistical curve doesn't match up with my experience AT ALL. Should we construct an image of women's sexuality that emphasizes the low-response end of the continuum, just to keep some women from feeling bad?

It's no secret that many women who have a hard time getting off, and who don't enjoy it all that much when they do, resent intensely multiorgasmic women. Some will even accuse multiorgasmic women of lying -- of making it up to please a man, or for the sake of theatrics or status, or whatever. They're usually the ones who pop up saying that the G-spot isn't real, that clitoral stimulation is the ONLY way, that if a woman claims to have an orgasm from just PIV then she's faking it, and so on. Why? Because that's THEIR experience...but not everyone's, or even most women's. But they want their experience to be normative, because otherwise they have to acknowledge that their dissatisfaction isn't universal.

I don't think sexology has caught up to reality in this department. We've gone from the Freudian perspective, which says that PIV is everything in order to reinforce normative heterosexuality, to the second-wave feminist perspective of the 1970s, which says that PIV is nothing in order to destroy normative heterosexuality. Both perspectives are fatally flawed, and both have deep-seated political agendas, but sexology is dominated by the latter -- and researchers have a habit of finding what they're already looking for.
"She's the decider". I'm sorry to disagree with you, Dan, but it's common knowledge that George W. Bush is the decider. I've even heard him say it more than just a few times. Even though I've got Dubya on my speed dial, he never seems to be available for a decision in time. Another thing, I've also heard Dubya call himself the "dick tater". Exactly what is a "dick tater"? Is it like a genital wart or something? Anybody who knows, please jump right in!
@52, @57 and @72 are correct, NQAD. Tie that boy up and tell him to start spilling - if he does tell you a real fantasy, rub his dick a little and if he doesn't, threaten to smack it one. A light smack on his cock and a promise to hit a little harder the next time (and the time after that) is very motivational (just don't hit too hard leaving bruises is bad).

Promise him that you'll let him orgasm if he tells you the truth and threaten that he'll get nothing for a week (or longer) if he doesn't tell you everything.

Ask him what he wants you to call him - his name, maybe, or 'boy', 'toy', 'slut', perhaps? Ask him to tell you exactly how he intends to serve you - his fantasy might be to lick you to orgasm, be 'forced' to cook you dinner or to just be utterly passive while subjected to whatever your cruel whims are. Ask how you should punish him when he is bad. Ask how you could reward him when he is good. Make him tell you a fantasy he jacks off to. And watch which questions/ answers make him hard.

Happy Topping!
@88 - the Mayo Clinic says: "Although some women can reach orgasm during intercourse, many women find it easier and actually prefer to achieve orgasm through oral or manual stimulation of the clitoris."…

When you say "that statistical curve doesn't match up with my experience AT ALL." - do you mean that the studies you have done of thousands of women reveal that most are highly orgasmic? Or do you mean that your twenty best friends tell you they are highly orgasmic?
@78 - It seems foolish to promise her that she'll eventually have earth-shattering orgasms from PIV sex. People are different. A 2005 twin study "found that between 34 and 45% of the variation in ability to orgasm can be explained by underlying genetic variation."…
Just to be clear, I think it is great for multiorgasmic women, ejaculating women, or women who come easily from PIV, to tell us about their experiences and to expect to be taken seriously and not be accused of lying.

But I think it's odd for them to act as if they are the norm, rather than roughly a standard deviation away from the norm. (Not an outlier; I'd reserve that for someone who regularly squirted, multiple times, from PIV alone. Like someone on the other end who wasn't able to orgasm by any means at all, even after taking a class on the subject with Betty Dodson...)
I would so welcome some comments in depth from Mr Ank on Dump Culture.
@91: I don't really think your question is sincere, so I'm not interested in answering it. On the topic of medical studies, though, it would be worth reading some of the recent articles that have been published (The New Yorker had a pretty good one) about how many of them have turned out to be 100% bogus. You wouldn't be referencing the Mayo Clinic if it weren't telling you what you wanted to hear.

Female sexuality is extraordinarily complicated, and depends massively on physical, emotional, and psychological factors which make quantitative study almost impossible. The same woman who thinks that she needs twenty minutes of intense clitoral stimulation to have a basically unsatisfying orgasm with a guy she doesn't love, can suddenly become powerfully multiorgasmic from PIV (or dildo-in-vagina) if she's with the right partner who has the right penis/dildo, and they're passionately in love, and she works through whatever issues made her predisposed to not want to let go 100%.

Or not: some people never reach that point, and maybe never will, and maybe they don't want to. Or they reach it with one lover, and never get back to it with anyone else. Or they reach that point, and then go on the Pill, and suddenly they can barely get off.

If you really want to know what I think, here's your answer:

Our culture is so profoundly fucked up that we have incredible difficulty being open to genuine sexual pleasure. When I hear about a woman who thinks PIV feels like "a finger in a fist", I feel the same way that I do about a man who pounds away at his sexual partners because that's the only way he feels anything. People are anesthetized, alienated, numb, and filled with bottomless pits of rage and hatred and resentment. It's not fashionable to say so, but none of their experiences are ever "normal", even if they prove to be the statistical mean. Barring injury, the problem is between people's ears, and in their hearts.
@50 - I'm a guy, but I think you have some of the best advice here: find the right dick. I don't think my style, rhythm or my dick have changed much in like 20 years. And some girls, PIV with me, rocks their world. Others...I do nothing for. Of course, a considerate partner would do other things and I think the advice to get good and warmed up first is fantastic adivce - have at least one nice clitoral orgasm from oral first, and then start trying different positions (the squirrel thing was hilarious) to see what 'hits it' for you.

@WTF - Dan's advice is great. Get a book too as others suggested and sit down on the couch together during snuggle time (not sex time) and talk about the various ideas you get as you read the book together.
@85: My ejaculate is not pee. It tastes like my vaginal fluid, it's just a lot thinner. It's not yellow, it doesn't smell or taste like pee. Honestly, I don't need a study to tell me it's not pee. My boyfriend also thinks that it's not pee, since he's not into watersports but he'll still lick up my squirt because it's sweet.
@68 "I find that men who LOVE giving oral have a certain vibe that I find reeeeeally unattractive."

Whaa? Can you elaborate please? I'm genuinely curious.

Oh, and I goofed above, I meant @NQAD, not @WTF.

@recognition - you are definitely sounding like a "bottomless pit of rage and hatred and resentment". What the heck?
@95 - Educate people, wake them up, sure, but don't say they're in the minority when they're not. I agree with you that we don't have any idea what women's potential sexual response might be, in an ideal world -- but we're not there yet and it's not helpful to scold people as if it's their individual fault for having trouble.

@98 Some men really want their partners to come, but have a chip on their shoulder about how that should happen. For me, it takes the form of them not wanting the vibrator around.

It's sort of an intuitive thing, to be honest, so it's hard to describe or elaborate on. I guess just in my own personal experience I've seen a correlation between men who love to give oral and pseudointellectual types as well as guys who fancy themselves very sensitive and enlightened. Plus, honestly, physically as well. I wonder if unattractive guys develop a love of oral sex if they aren't able to develop the skill of being hilarious. :p

I'm not saying these things are actually related, I've just found it to be a weird quirk of my personal experience.

"Just to be clear, I think it is great for multiorgasmic women, ejaculating women, or women who come easily from PIV, to tell us about their experiences and to expect to be taken seriously and not be accused of lying."

It would be great. If it happened. :p
Do you think I'm acting like it's the norm?