Columns Dec 28, 2011 at 4:00 am

The Sub's Paradox

Comments

1
Bow-Wow Dan! Happy New Year!!
2
Excellent quote about castration Dan! I plan on borrowing it.
3
Won't somebody think of the puppies?
4
One night at the office a man is overcome with a fit of desire for his secretary. They make mad passionate love and linger for hours. When he awakes from his stupor, he panics not knowing what to tell his wife. He dresses, puts powder on his hands, and goes home. His wife asks where he's been. He sheepishly tells her that he's late because he's had sex with his secretary. His wife quick grabs his hands which he's held behind his back and says "Don't you lie to me! You've been bowling!"

Translation: BOMBAST, if your girlfriend objects to your masturbating, you could always have an affair.
5
BOMBAST: I never understood why some significant others get upset if their partners masturbate. It's better than someone going out to cheat. I think that it's horrible that she accuses you of doing so, and going as far as smelling your hands is just, well, CRAZY!

To reduce the guilt you feel and the craziness of her smelling your hands, maybe you should go into the bedroom while she's waiting to drift off to sleep, start masturbating in front of her, and then turn over and fall asleep when you're done. You might wake up to an EX girlfriend...but you'll wake up satisfied!
6
BOMBAST found himself a psycho-bitch and needs to run as fast as he can. Sorry to use the juvenile, chauvinistic term,,,but it fits in this case.
7
Lube for masturbation? Won't a little saliva do the trick?
8
CCC: Why did you asked your "fuck buddy" how he would feel if you dated other guys if this relationship was open from the start? I'm wondering if you secretly had feelings for your fuck buddy going into this "open relationship" and hoped that he would develop feelings for you.

I, too, had a "fuck buddy" who was an old friend of mine. He was in an "open marriage", and I believed that our relationship was all it was along with an long time friendship. However, a situation caused that to change, and my "fuck buddy" became very aggressive towards me in the end.

I say that to say this: In your case, I hope Dan is correct about "the romance finding you". But, just because your friend became "defensive" doesn't necessarily mean he has romantic feelings for you unless he comes out and tells you that he does. It could be case of control and the good ol' "I don't want you but don't want anyone else to have you." Don't ignore any red flags that may be there.
9
@7 - saliva dries quicker than some men shoot.
10
Hey Bombast,

Your SO sounds very insecure, maybe you should consider a round of counseling? Sometimes an impartial translator/negotiator local on the ground is enough to set things clear; before you DTMFA, decide if it is worth spending some time and money to get beyond "Meh". Having a third party explain that she doesn't need to feel guilty, or make you feel guilty about having PIV once a week might get rid of a lot of the drama.

BTW, you do try to go out on dates, right? And you (as a couple) hang out with friends, right? Being stuck at home may be a part of the problem as well.

Peace.
11
Holy cow, BOMBAST, scratch n sniff? Really? The honeymoon's over and you weren't even invited to attend. Thank all Gods you don't have to pay for a divorce.
12
Imagine his life AFTER she's got a ring on his finger; they're only living together and this is his life? RUN, BOMBAST, RUN!
13
CCC: "He likes me enough to be monogamous."

That is, if you don't feel monogamous you must not like your partner enough.

True for you? Cool.

But in general? Beg to differ, CCC. Beg to differ.

14
Awesome answer for NAIF that made it real for so many people. This is why Dan is a sex advice columnist who just happens to be gay and NOT a "gay" sex advice columnist. No need to necessarily separate the two but I suppose it endears him to many of the straight readers.

Awesome answer for the confused chick. I don't think I have ever seen Dan recommend upgrading from a fuck buddy to a BF/GF which is a far cry from DTMFA.

BOMBAST needs to run like the wind. Alternatively he could tell her something like yes, bitch, I have normal needs just like a, like, normal guy. So I am beating off and I am planning to fuck the first thing that falls in front of my path. So if you want to fuck in the missionary position once a week I will always be there for you. The rest of the time I will be living a real life you pathetic cunt.

Once a week after 20 years of marriage is grounds for an affair IMHO. Once a week while just living together means once every 3-12 months after the VOWS. I guarantee this woman will make AT LEAST 4 men's lives a living hell during her pathetic so called life and she will probably make out like a gold digging bandit.......
15
@13: "enough to be monogamous" is a semantic unit. If you remove the last three words, you change the meaning of the sentence.

16
CCC:

If you laid out the ground rules from the start (not clear from your letter), and he still got his panties in a wad when you talked about seeing other people, DO NOT DATE HIM. Do not even fuck him. That sort of behavior can signal some serious jealousy issues, even beyond those of your run-of-the-mill monogamist. He'll never stop asking if you're fucking someone else.

If you didn't discuss the nature of the relationship before then, I'd still be wary. It's 2011; no one in their right mind assumes sex means exclusivity without further discussion.
17
BOMBAST: have you tried just telling her that yes, you have masturbated, and what is she going to do about it? I'm a little confused why she even thinks this is something she should have any say in, or why you give her any authority over you on this. Sorry to sound rude, but you sound like a little boy trying to explain himself to his mother.

If she gives you any shit, tell her a) it's not her penis, b) if she doesn't want you taking care of your own needs, she had damned well better take care of them herself any time you ask, and c) once a week is not nearly fucking often enough.
18
CCC: When you say that neither of you are looking for a serious relationship, did that mean that either of you was averse to a serious relationship, if one happened to drop in your lap? Because it appears that one is in the process of dropping in your lap right now.

If you have feelings for him, and the sex is progressing from good to great, why are you still looking around? Are you poly? If not, is there something else about him or about your circumstances that would disqualify this relationship from progressing to the next level?

19
WOW----and I thought my ex was bad!! BOMBAST, leave her NOW!

CCC: Romance found you. Congrats. All the best.

Anybody: One dumb question regarding CCC's letter to Dan: Why the word "leotarded" ? I'm not nitpicking, just curious. Does the definition possibly have anything to do with the fifth astrological sign? I'm a Leo, but I don't consider myself "leotarded". Spanxed, maybe, but not leotarded.
20
BOMBAST:

Dan missed the real problem here, and the real problem is you.

Your natural reaction to a situation where some other person demands something unreasonable from you is to pretend you're meeting their expectations.

This is not healthy. If someone demands something from you that you do not think is right of them to demand from you, tell them that you do not agree. After communicating that you do not agree with their expectations, you will have the opportunity to either create expectations that you can both mutually agree to, or decide that such an agreement is not possible and move on.

Those who are upset because they feel they must hide their true behavior from their significant other have only themselves to blame.
21
@19:

Dan came up with the term "leotarded" to replace the word "retarded" as an insult.
22
"Bitch." "You pathetic cunt." "This woman will make at least four men's lives a living hell during her pathetic so called life and will make out like a gold digging bandit."

Wow, #14...why so angry? I think you revealed more about yourself in your comment than you did about the letter. And, here's hoping you're not really a "Professor," or at least one with women in your classroom.
23
17 and others-- Being in an exclusive relationship does not give one partner a say in how often the other masturbates. We're in agreement there. My quibble is in whether her once-a-weekness has anything to do with it. I'd say that was irrelevant to the discussion. My boyfriend is always glad to have sex with me whenever I want to have sex with him. That doesn't preclude my liking to have sex with myself now and then, and I'd guess he does the same, though I've never concerned myself with asking.
24
@22 -- I was wondering (and hoping) the same about 14. FWIW.

and ... lube?? you need lube?
25
@22 happy,

Translation for 14: I got caught having an affair because my wife wasn't enough in bed, and I'm paying lots in alimony now.

Peace.
26
@22 - Don't feed the troll.

BOMBAST - are you for real? I am not sure if your letter was sincere or farce/parody. Assuming (as Dan did) that you are sincere, I highly highly highly recommend you read @20 about 20 times. It's the best synopsis of this dynamic I've ever seen (said as a fellow sufferer).

There is a way of asserting yourself without having to work up the kind of anger someone like the perfesser (clearly terrified of women, like most misogynists).
27
"Cuddling...with the 'straight' guy who five minutes ago was 'degrading' you for being a 'worthless faggot'—and then getting dressed and going out to grab some fro-yo and chat about Glee..."

Hilarious. That's what keeps me coming back.

BOMBAST's letter reeks of power exchange. Maybe that's her kink. And perhaps it's just confirmation bias, but the formal, compliant style in which the letter is written makes it seem he's not entirely against the idea. I mean, why else would someone put up with that shit?
28
Ooh! Ooh! OOOHHH!!!

This is the first time I can recall being really gladdened by the reappearance of a previous letter:

We match NAIF with AGAY. NAIF is the right age and AGAY likely has the spiel down pat. If there's enough attraction between them, each is just the right type to suit - AND we can look forward to more letters from the two in future. A win all round.
29
BOMBAST's gf is pushin' him out the door without (maybe) realizing that she actually is.. Nothing is more of a drag than any S.O. who needlessly cramps the other's style and space. If she's not fucking him more than once a week, then who is she to be getting bent 'cos he whacked his tallywhacker in her absence? It could be worse: he could be out fucking the barmaid down at the local tavern or something.

The gf oughtta give herself a reality check: recognize her dour behavior, stop eating so damn much that she's roly-poly in the gunt and can't be bothered to get her bf's pennis (yes, pennis! ;-D) wet in the name of a good roll in the sack.

Or...;)

Who's to say the gf isn't messing around on BOMBAST behind his back? People who hide things tend to project their secrets onto others as accusations. Maybe she met a guy online who likes 'em big with rolls of flabber flaps, and her overeating after 9:30pm is her bid to maintain that gunt while pushing her out-of-her-league bf (BOMBAST) out the door.

She ain't all that, by what you describe, BOMBAST. I'd jerk off in front of her just to freak her the fuck out, as a goof! ;-D lol

Chicks like that are the reason why mean cheat, and why Viagra is for men stuck in horridly-boring marriages with wives who share the same brushcuts and gaucho, khaki shorts as their husbands or boyfriends. They can even change the sparkplugs on the lawn mower as good as their husbands and boyfriends.

BOMBAST's woman better wise up, and fast, before she loses him altogether. I'd say cut yer losses now, BOMBAST. You should be fucking once a day, minimum. Not once a week.

Hand her a box of frozen pizza snacks and send her on her way; presumably back to her parent's house upstairs in her bedroom where she has a webcam for chubby-chasers who like to count the flaps of flabber bouncing up and down as they tug their lil' members from the privacy of their own homes. Or something ;-D LOL.

Moral of the story? BOMBAST's girlfriend is all wrong for him. Cut her loose, BOMBAST. She sounds like too much work for too little payback. Set her free to go to her real love's house to strip and jiggle her flabber-flaps LOL.
30
Pretty ho-hum on all the ask and answer, but I'd like to nominate BOMBAST for the SL Acronym Hall of Fame.
31
@ 4, 5 & 6: I echo your sentiments. It's just unreasonable behavior from BOMBAST's gf's end. They either need to hash it out for real, and get to the bottom of what's actually going on, or they need to part ways. Life's too short to be shackled to a hopelessly-unhappy relationship.
32
@ 7: Saliva never lasts long enough lol. Believe it or not, I tend to like hair conditioner as lube for jacking off. Easy to wash off, it smells nice and it exfoliates your skin most lovely lol. Buy a bottle of Suave conditioner sometime. It's cheap, it's effective and does the job ;) .
33
@ 8, 13, 16 & 18: Like you were all implying, I think there is some kind of feelings dynamic between the two fuck-buddies.

I just don't get the poly/non-monogamous thing. But then, that's just me and my own particular inclinations. I sometimes wish I was more dismissive and don't-really-give-a-shit about having multiple sex partners because I could.

Love finds you: you never find it. By my own experience, love has been hotter to me than the notion of fucking a parking lot of people in an afternoon in a meth-fueled gang bang lol.

If either one of you is not on the same page about what the rules are, as far as your negotiating who else you sleep with outside of your fuck-buddy environs.

It will never work if one tends to veer toward monogamy, and the other is licking their chops about getting into three other stranger's pants by sundown, or sun-up lol.

If yer gonna keep fucking, use protection. Who wants to croak from getting some good ass? Not me, no sir-ee fucking way, man! lol ;-D

Cheers & Happy New Year Now One & All+~+
34
BOMBAST's girlfriend doesn't sound like a person with a naturally low libido. She sounds like a morning person.
35
Why "going out to grab some fro-yo and chat about Glee?" Can they not go out for dim sum and chat about the possibility of life on other planets, or is refusing to conform to a stereotype too "heteronormative?" There are plenty of gay men out there who think Glee, Lady Gaga, and all that stuff is a load of horse hockey.
36
NAIF's fetish for straight-guy dom play isn't that unusual. I have that fetish myself! It takes the right person, the right chemistry and a whole lot of trust and connectedness to pull it off the way Dan describes it. There are people for everyone out there; you just have to wait for it, or them, to find you, rather than the other way around.

As John Lennon sings during "Beautiful Boy": Life's what happens to you while you're busy making plans.

I abide by that, actually.

;)
37
BOMBAST's situation has some other issues that nobody seems to be questioning (excellent comment BTW @biggie / #20).

1.) Maybe there's some subtle kink that they're sharing; he gets extra joy while jacking while he's "not supposed to" and she is probably getting off on the discovery.

2.) If a simple DTMFA is the solution, then nothing will change. BOMBAST will find another woman who is just as manipulative, and the wench will find another manipulable guy. Some self-reflection is very much needed on his part, as well as hers but having known women like this, her ego will probably prevent it.

DTMFA by all means, but learn from it or you're wasting your time.
38
@27

People put up with a lot. I know that I'd probably be OK with that situation, which is sex one time a week more than what I'm experiencing.

Having said that, it IS unreasonable what BOMBAST's girlfriend is asking for. I kind of agree with Dan's DTMFA assessment, but a real option is to quash those feelings of guilt, and carry on. Just stomp em down.
39
Hey, I speak from experience. I've been almost 20 years with my GF and endure a life of NO SEX. She hates it and says normal sex serves no purpose outside of reproduction. We're both "fixed" therefore there's no reason to fuck each other. So finally I told her that she has no right to force monogamy on me and she won't. It's my body and I do with it as I choose. She made her choice long ago to separate herself from our sex life, so now it's MY sex life.

I do enjoy our life together, so I stick with her. I get tired of having to jerk of and it's a waste of time, so I save a little from each paycheck and spend time with a couple of lovely call girls I know when I really need to get laid. I don't want or need another relationship and I choose to stay with my GF, but can see a time when it will be time to leave.

So, BOMBAST, you'll know when it's time to go or stay, that decision is yours and yours alone. And don't fret about having to masturbate for the time being. Just know you have options in life.
40
@CCC It may be romance - or it may be the start of deep shit.

I second #8 and #16 : be careful. Abusors tend to rush things along, to get to a monogamous relationship, where they can control you ; it doesn't mean they love you in any way - even when they threaten reprisal (to never fuck you again is one, if you two started out as fuck-buddies). Old friends can very well become abusors, once the relationship progresses. I'd be freaked out by his words as well - they mirror the start of my own abusive marriage. I was not much into the guy but I did believe it was love on his part. So I went along because I was willing to give his love a try.

Besides, since communication is key in a LTR, it's a pretty bad sign for enduring romance if he's already bad at communicating with you at this early stage...

Of course you could have found the odd decent guy unable to express himself, but with a heart of gold. To make up your mind, you can check red flags lists at http://drirene.com/redflag.htm and http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/m… (they don't pay me).

But even if he has no abusive tendencies, you should ask yourself whether you want an open relationship or a closed one - and then, stay truthful to yourself.
41
@5: great idea, but how about this: wait til she IS asleep, then come on her face. What a goodbye kiss.
42
@28 (Mr. Ven): I get so confused. Who is AGAY and what was his problem?
43
I had the "monogamous or not" discussion with my current partner - at the beginning. I told him I didn't want be limited by monogamy, since I was just out of 10+ years of monogamous abuse.

His answer : he understood my point. He was going to be monogamous, since he had no desire for any other woman than me ; he agreed that we should tell one another if we had, indeed, been non-monogamous since last meeting ; he just hoped that whenever I fucked someone else, that I would find the other to be a worse lay, and that he would laugh at me for the time lost being bored in bed with the other.

I liked his answer, and we're still monogamishly together.
44
@ 20: That was great, what you said. I agree fully. Thanks for that!
45
C'mon babe! I'm here of my own volition at one of your playgrounds of choice! Never say I don't try ;) lol...

+~+
46
For a second I thought BOMBAST's GF might have been me (until I got the part with the interrogation & the hand sniffing. Woah). My husband and I recently had a similar revelation; it's not that I have zero libido, it's just at at its lowest in the evenings when I'm tired and would rather be sleepy & snuggly. I definitely wanted to have sex more often, but when it's been a busy week and evenings are the only free time we had together, it just didn't pan out. He's kinda vanilla so he was working on the assumption that bedtime = sex time, but for me the mornings & afternoons were much better! So perhaps BOMBAST's habit of regular Saturday morning sexytime with the GF might be a clue. Barring the cray-cray masturbation interrogation aspect, maybe it's just that she is more ready for sex during daylight hours, and therefore gets irrationally jealous that he's masturbating that time away without her.
47
BOMBAST - I regularly jerk it with a dry hand. No problems. Although, my wife encourages masturbation to "make ends meet".
48
love is messy, isn't it? Bombast's wife is human and their relationship is real. Bombast, do not kick her to the curb without exercising all the compassion you have. Give it the effort that love demands. I find this blood-thirsty condemnation by haters to be myopic. Who here isn't in some way neurotic or otherwise incapable of loving their s.o. perfectly?
49
BOMBAST - I regularly jerk it with a dry hand. No problems. But, my wife encourages masturbation to "make ends meet".
50
Read and absorb, baby.
I'm playful, but right now I'm not playing.
Rgds, as billb would say.
51
tsk, tsk Dan, you of all people missed the possibility that the GF is turned on by the thought of him getting horny and getting off.

If you like the girl, 1. ask her if she wants to watch you, and 2. try and have sex earlier in the day. Maybe she's a morning person! The Italians screw at midday and think we're nuts for pushing it to when everyone's tired and stuffed from dinner.
52
Thank you for pointing out that sandals with socks make for an inferior people. I need to get that word out to the guys in the city I live in!
53
Re: BOMBAST. The real problem here is that this couple is not being open about when and how they want to have sex. Her wanting to sniff out when he masturbates can be read as controlling and abusive OR kinky OR a powderkeg of resentment over weeks/months/years of missed signals.

Let's not rush to crucify the girlfriend - seems to me that they may both be at fault.

It is very unclear from his letter WHY the girlfriend wants to know if he masturbates. It is not clear that he knows that she finds it abhorrent. Seems like he assumes she asks because she hates to think that he is masturbating. What if she is actually super turned on by it but afraid to admit it?

Why does everyone assume she has a lower sex drive than he does? Because of cultural messages about gender roles, women often have a hard time initiating sex. She may send out feelers and subtle signals that she feels are obvious but that he is totally missing.
She says she is turned on, but then is "too full" after dinner to have sex... maybe she is sending out signals that she would like him to initiate sex *before* dinner. When he doesn't initiate sex with her when she is interested and he then goes and masturbates, she may feel rejected. If she's a non-initiator and he's also a non-initator it just leads to a lot of passive aggressive bullshit and resentment.

Regardless of all of the other stuff, it also also sounds like she's just not into evening sex and maybe is just stressed out on weekdays. This guy needs to ask her what would help her relax to the point where she would really feel like having sex on a weekday. Maybe she wants a massage or help with housework so she can unwind.
54
@21 Ashley Amber: Ah! That's right! I think I even remember Dan's saying that in a column of many moons ago. Thanks for refreshing my memory.
55
I could be wrong, but CCC's guy just strikes me as young and lacking in experience in communicating about relationships. All the same, she should proceed with caution, in case he turns out to be a controlling jerk.
56
@ 29. When did BOMBAST say his girl was fat? The closest thing I could find was saying she was too full after dinner. That happens to people of all sizes. Did you ever eat a good meal and not want to move? Can you imagine all that food sloshing around during sex? It would drive me nuts and I have a high libido. Sex is like swimming. You should wait 1 hour after eating to avoid cramps.
57
@ 56: "she was too full after dinner" = fat. Kind of like how some people say "let's do lunch!", and they're blowing you off.

My point is, fat or not, the gf's not visibly well-mated with her bf. Figure it out now and decide what to do from there on out.

She could boink her husband before dinner, so she's not farting, burping, passing out and getting otherwise quite unlady-like while digesting that filet mignon.
58
I agree with #20 - BOMBAST has some serious boundary issues he needs to resolve. Once those are resolved, here's an idea: Get a slow cooker. Put dinner in the slow cooker to cook. While dinner is cooking, go fuck.

And for CCC: No matter how much you like him or how much you enjoy the sex, a dude with a 'leotarded communication style' is not a dude you want to start a relationship with.
59
...wait, what? Once a week is considered a low libido?!? I'm not kidding here. Really?

In my last relationship I was considered an oversexed degenerate freak for being absolutely thrilled with sex twice a week(but being totally fine with once a week).

..hate.
60
I wonder if BOMBAST's wife gets off on the idea of him masturbating. Or if she's really making sure he doesn't. If the former, it can lead to more hot things (videos, pics, reminders of j/o sessions left open, D/s scenarios, etc). If the latter...run away!

CCC has obvious communication skills of her own. Why didn't the conversation of monogamy open into a further redefining of the relationship? Communication is a two-way street honey.

Are there pics of NAIF? Can we see? Those fantasies can be fun.
61
Dear Browbeating Okay, Meat Beating Another Story Totally: Either she doesn't like sex, doesn't like sex with you or she has never come.

Ever tried introducing a vibe toy in your Sat morning romp? Ask her if she would like to watch you masturbate? Or maybe you can ask her to masturbate in front of you? Maybe dare her to read/view something sexually riske and exciting, no judgment attached?

If all that fails and she really is the controlling prude she seems, time to move on and live life a bit, with regular sex in it. RM

p.s. if it was totally not ok for me to indirectly answer your Q to the Master (DanSavage), my sincere apologies!!!
62
I really don't get the response to BOMBAST. I regularly ask my husband how much he's masturbated in my absence. (It lets me know how hard I'll have to work to get him to cum again.;) I don't think that's abusive or sex negative in the least, but then again, my husband isn't a fucking liar.

I don't get why someone with a partner telling them they want to have sex is waiting until their partner goes to sleep so they can masturbate instead of jumping them stat.
63
@59 I wouldn't call once a week a low libido either, especially not if one or both partners has a stressful tiring job. I'd say it's well in the average range. However she does have a lower libido than her boyfriend and wants to enforce it on him. That I think is where it crosses a line, your own hand isn't cheating.

64
@62: Yeah, I sometimes ask my partner if he masturbated, because I think it's sexy. But if he says he didn't, I don't accuse him of lying and then demand to sniff his hands for lube. It sounds more like BOMBAST's girlfriend is trying to police his sexuality than asking sexy questions.

From what I infer, BOMBAST's girlfriend is saying she wants sex, but then turning him down when he tries to initiate because she feels too tired or sluggish from dinner. Which, hey, may be an actual legit thing for her. But the solution isn't to keep tabs on her boyfriend's wanking schedule, the solution is to find ways to work more sex into their lives by adjusting their daily schedules - maybe they start going to bed an hour earlier, so they can wake up earlier and have some morning sex. Or they find recipes which allow time for sex while dinner is cooking. Or maybe they readjust their definition of sex to include handjobs and oral.
65
Almost made me cry- you are the best Dan! Rock on forever!
67
Ms Cute - AGAY wrote in after NAIF - he's 58, went through unsuccessful straightening therapy in his twenties, has been an extreme sports competitor for many years, is only attracted to twentysomethings, doesn't want sex without mutual attraction, and can't force himself to be attracted to men closer to his own age.

AGAY and NAIF seemed at least potentially likely to fit right into each other's strengths.
68
@#66

Some type of lubrication makes things better. It's just a matter of preference of whether the rigorous cleaning up afterwards is worth it.

And man,

It's not just you, but a significant number of others as well.

Why so harsh? It seems like instead of wanting people to deal with problems and issues, the answer is to just discard them.

Granted, that's probably not the case. You want them to work out an understanding, or at least a compromise. But, it's stuff like that, that makes me blow my gasket.

It'd be easier if people with issues, (and especially people with destructive and bad issues), took themselves out of the game, but it's not a particularily easy thing.

69
Bombast, perhaps she's smelling your hands to see if you've been with another woman.
70
@63

Thank you. I was almost incandescent with anger(perhaps I even turned silver with rage for a second)there for a minute.

****

In regards to BOMBAST.

First, awesome acronym. Good job.

Second, and this is going to be hard. You need to call her out. If she wants to go for the hand sniff you should ask her why. If she says you masturbating is hot, then show her how you do it and let the awesome sex times roll(pro tip, have condoms handy!, or perhaps consider asking her to be all sexy while you masturbate and tell her how hot and awesome she is after you've worked it out). If she thinks it's gross, then ask her how, exactly, she recommends you get your sexual ya-yas out if she only has sex with you once a week(and be prepared for some sex negative bullshit).
71
@68

Why aren't you poking her weekday mornings?

And why only Saturday mornings? What's wrong with Sunday?
72
Re: BOMBAST. I don't think the situation is that complicated, at least going by the info as presented by BOMBAST. The girlfriend seems to be a selfish control freak with a low libido and thinks her boyfriend should only want sex when she wants it. She doesn't seem to understand the meaning of the word "compromise" nor does she respect his right to pleasure himself, in the alternative. She seems too immature to realize that regardless how infrequent or infrequent they are having sex together, that he has a right (as does she) to masturbate whenever he likes. I don't understand why she would feel threatened by that. Sounds cliched, but we each have a right to that personal self-love whether we are in or out of a relationship with another person. The kind of behaviour exhibited by her makes me wonder if she respects or even loves him.
73
@29

Wow. Did your mommy let you on the internet unsupervised? You went right for the PG-13 material, didn't you? That's okay. We won't tell.

@59

Depends on who you ask. I think it's on the low side.
74
@66, I think you make a good point towards the end: "maybe you're not a good fuck."

Has BOMBAST had an open, sincere conversation about what will get gf off regularly? If she doesn't come during sex, she's not going to be motivated to initiate sex very often. Granted, she should speak up if she's unsatisfied, but sometimes people need a gentle push. Opening up about how we want to be fucked can be a bit of a challenge. It makes us very vulnerable and involves a lot of trust. Have a legit convo about this (start with "what can I do differently to excite you in bed?"), follow through with her requests, and maybe more sex will ensue.

But before you do any of that, stop letting her smell your hands! I think you'll know if you should try to work on this relationship based on how she responds to you saying "no, I'm not okay with that; it makes me feel like I've done something wrong and I haven't." Unless it's some sort of "clandestine self-pleasure makes me wet" thing (which she should *really* tell you about because you're feeling super guilty for nothing!), that shit is bad bad bad for you. What happens when you say yes, btw? However, it says "she *has* demanded to smell my hands" which makes me think it was a one time thing, not that it's any less crazy... you still deserve to not feel like shit for rubbing 'em out.

That's the trouble with the columns in the Stranger. They leave it to us filthy Sloggers to fill in the blanks.
75
p.s. I know they live together and you'd think she'd have talked about what turns her crank a long time ago, but that's not always the case. People are together for years and years sometimes before they achieve mind blowing sex. Also, it's always fun to talk about what we want to try out in bed, yeah?
76
@23: Quibble accepted. I fully agree that there is no general right to control whether your partner is allowed to masturbate, let alone as some sort of function of how often you service him/her.

I wouldn't say they are completely unrelated concepts, however. It isn't that a good-faith effort on her part would give her the right to issue a prohibition. However, the conspicuous absence of good-faith effort on her part does give him reasonable ammunition to tell her to sit down and shut up because she is being a hypocrite. If she can't be bothered to pay enough attention to his needs to meet them, then she bloody well can't be bothered to pay enough attention to thwart them either.

One proposition being true does not necessarily require that its symmetric opposite be true.

It's also reasonable for him to tell her that if she does not like him masturbating, then he may (or may not) be willing to engage in a suitable substitute when offered, -- but if once a week was anywhere near an acceptable rate for him, this conversation would not have happened in the first place.

77
Um I don't think that sounds like "romance" found her. I think it sounds like monogamy by default did. Ew. The "we're having sex and going on dates and kind of like each other so let's act like married folks" thing. Yuck. It's about as far from romance as one can get. Ew.

This is why I made it extremely clear when I was dating before Mister came along that I refused to be monogamous with anyone for at least one year so we could actually have a relationship and not move into mono default. Ew. Gives me willies just thinking of it.
78
and I wonder if BOMBAST's gf would do better on a paleo diet? No really. Too tired and full after dinner says someone is eating inappropriately, probably lots of large gluten based (pasta) meals. Vegetarian chicks are famous for this crap. :-/ Dated way too many in my time.
79
@73 mydriasis: Trolls are everywhere, aren't they?
Apparently, they must be like gremlins. Feed 'em and they go berzerk!

80
@73 mydriasis: Trolls are everywhere, aren't they?
Apparently, they must be like gremlins. Feed 'em and they go berzerk!
81
Ahh, shit! Sorry again for the double post!
82
re BOMBAST: I'm amazed at all the responses that seem to imply that he is masturbating because he is not having sex more often. I masturbate every day regardless of whether or not I have had sex, usually in the afternoon at my lowest energy time.
Oh, and I'm a woman. My husband when we first got together 15 years ago did sort of take my need to masturbate personally but we had to just have a talk about it. Obviously, her need to control the issue is a problem that needs to be resolved.

BOMBAST and his girlfriend seem young to me. I'm tired at night and my sex drive is greater than my husbands. Sometimes you have to figure out how to work sex in at other times in the day.

Also, I am bothered by some of the misogyny of the comments.
83
re BOMBAST: I'm amazed at all the responses that seem to imply that he is masturbating because he is not having sex more often. I masturbate every day regardless of whether or not I have had sex, usually in the afternoon at my lowest energy time.
Oh, and I'm a woman. My husband when we first got together 15 years ago did sort of take my need to masturbate personally but we had to just have a talk about it. Obviously, her need to control the issue is a problem that needs to be resolved but BOMBAST and his girlfriend seem young to me. I'm tired at night and my sex drive is greater than my husbands. Sometimes you have to figure out how to work sex in at other times in the day.

Also, I am bothered by some of the misogyny of the comments.
84
my advice to BOMBAST would be to wait until one of those hand sniffing week nights she falls asleep in front of the TV then DTMFA... all over her face...
85
I have to disagree with Dan about CCC. He said ''You two may not have been seeking romance, CCC, but it looks like romance found you.'' It is entirely possible that the guy still wants NSA and expects to 'move on' when he finds someone worthy of a relationship. My first clue? He hasn't asked her to commit to him in any way other than no fucking someone else while you fuck me. This girl could confuse this with I have feelings for you or jealousy. Maybe he just wants to know she's only fucking him till he finds someone he wants to commit to?
86
I agree with the comments suggesting that BOMBAST and his gf should be communicating more about when they each like sex and whether her interest in his masturbation is because it turns her on, or she feels deprived, or something else entirely.
87
I'm just like the girl in BOMBAST. And I get mad when my boyfriend masturbates during the day then complains how we only have sex on the weekends for a while. I commute over one hour each way to work and school, so basically I leave at 7am and get back at 8pm. When I get home, the first thing my boyfriend says is what's for dinner. After dinner and a little TV it's around 10:30, I need to be up in less than 8 hours, my job is super stressful and I get ready for bed. Then as I lay down also with a full stomach, he'll initiate. I love my man and he's super sexy, but it sucks because I know the longer I stay up with naked time, the more tired I will be the next day and I dont feel sexy just after eating.

I've noticed, on days when he doesnt masturbate, he's less questioning about dinner and more likely to make a move earlier in the night. I understand that I should be making an effort to make the moves, but it's difficult to remember on a daily basis. So she's probably in exactly the same situation as me but just doesnt know how to vocalize that she'd like the change and she probably doesnt want to take the responsibility to initiate earlier in the evening. Maybe just a quickie before dinner instead of jerking in the afternoon once or twice a week would save thier relationship. And he can make that change.
88
@ 73 Yourdryvagina, and @ 80 Auntie Gristle, like those nasty, chewy bits on a badly-overcooked hamburger:

You are too stupid to even wonder. I like how you wanna take these discussions in here as something serious, and thought-provoking, but meanwhile you're both (one and the same) idiots. Overly-analyzed, frivolous BULLSHIT MUCH LIKE YOU.

Whatever. Fuck off.
89
@87 Thanks for showing the other side of the situation. A lot of people were really quick to dismiss the reasons she may have. (Though, no matter how good her reasons for not initiating sex/turning down sex regularly, the hand sniffing think icks me out as anything outside of a situation where it turns her on).

I wonder too, if it's not so much that your bf is initiating late and after dinner, but that he's expects you to work all day, come home and cook, then have sex with him. I'm sure that can be a libido killer too. I know I have a decently higher sex drive than my bf (though he's catching up!)but if I feel like he hasn't been paying me attention other than in bed, I'm not feeling super sexy and/or generous if he tries to get his.
90
I think next time BOMBAST's gf asks to sniff his hands, he should just confess to being a bad boy who jerked off earlier that day, and demand to be spanked in punishment. See what happens?

The hand-sniffing thing really only makes sense to me that way. But I am also dismayed by the many predictable, bullshit reactions to that letter, assuming that the problem boils down to the woman not putting out enough.
91
For CCC-- "When I asked him how he'd feel about my dating another guy ..."

Is this an abstract, non-existent, haven't met him yet other guy, or a real, attractive, he asked me out other guy? It could make a difference.
92
"I understand that I should be making an effort to make the moves, but it's difficult to remember on a daily basis."

Translation: you get mad at him for not remembering to initiate SOON ENOUGH, when you can't manage to remember to initiate AT ALL.

"she'd like the change and she probably doesnt want to take the responsibility to initiate earlier in the evening.

In other words, you get mad at him for not figuring out to do what you yourself have realized but won't do.

"Maybe just a quickie before dinner instead of jerking in the afternoon once or twice a week would save thier relationship."

Great idea. Why don't you give it a try? I have seen no evidence so far that he would actually turn you down for a before-dinner quickie on a day where he had masturbated in the afternoon.

"And he can make that change.

So could you, but you choose not to, and get mad at him instead.
93
@90: Fun suggestion, but at this point there is so much miscommunication already going on, that they need to back away from the games and have an honest, serious, no-tricks conversation, where they both lay all their cards on the table.
94
@89: I agree that those may well be factors for both #87 and for BOMBAST's girlfriend. (was going to mention them above, but that post was already getting too long.) However, if you are upset that you are too tired from working all day, coming home and cooking, and then starting sex way too late, the way to address that is not to demand that your boyfriend stop masturbating! The answer is to tell your boyfriend to start taking over dinner duty, or jump his bones when you walk in the door before you are too full.

You aren't going to get your own needs met by demanding that the other person stop meeting theirs.
95
@90: That's what I was getting at in #27. A grown (hu)man who willingly submits to hand smelling inspection has been a very naughty boy.
96
Another comment for CCC: "My assumption was that the relationship was "open."

Wait, wait...you assumed that? Meaning you didn't explicitly say exactly that up front? Saying you are "not seeking a serious romance" is not synonymous with "we are strictly just fuck-buddies and I intend this to be an open relationship." Saying "not serious" can be just a way of saying "I'm not a stalker looking to slap a ring on your hand asap."

Sounds to me like the two of you have spent the last three months under different unspoken expectations of what "not seeking a serious romance" means. Just about the time that he started falling for you and getting ready for the relationship to progress, you started making noises that sound like you are ready to find a replacement for him.

Probably the reason he said he would "never sleep with you again" is that he is at that point where exclusivity has kicked in for him, (for all we know he could have felt that way the whole three months) and your sleeping with others would feel like you are cheating on him.

Before you condemn his leotarded communication style, you might want to check in with yourself to confirm whether you truly did due diligence yourself.
97
@88: Yawn. Please refer to mydriasis's comment to @29 from @73.
98
I love watching gay porn. I enjoy watch porn of all kind.

I dont know why, but i enjoy the thoughts of being degraded as well, i feel very shameful about it though.

I am really disappointed nobody commented on NAIF's delimma.

Its far more interesting than the uptight girlfriend's problem with masturbation.

Anyways, thanks for the maschoistic gay links.
99
@95 repete regarding your post @27: I didn't see it that way, originally, but that makes sense. It seems like BOMBAST (I agree: he should win something for the excellent anagram!) has a major trust issue with his current GF.
100
@92

For some women, initiating takes some of the fun out of it. Personally I like my gender roles old-school - that's what gets me off.

101
@100: If you get mad at your partner for not doing what you yourself refuse to do, you're a hypocrite.

That's not so say that you can't find yourself an accommodation that is perfectly acceptable to both parties. There are plenty of men who like their gender roles old-school too. Just don't do it the way that #87 seems to be going about it.

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