Thanks Dan for the great work throughout the years.

Dan, thanks for all of the great work over the years.

Santorum sinks! Thanks, Dan.

Yo, WSID, seek out and destroy all of the "harmless" naked pics your fiance has of you. If your relationship doesn't last, he'll probably be a dick and spread them around.

A quick note with regards to "What should I do?"'s letter (and Dan's response to it)

I just got a book called "In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People" by George Simon Jr. And it's the best book I've ever read about other people's bullshit. Because you have every right to be mad about your partner posting naked pics of you on the internet, and when he got mad back at you - that's Manipulation.

Read the book, I can't recommend it highly enough.

What to do when Santorum drops out? Use a but plug, OBVIOUSLY! :-D
And WSID? DMTFA, obviously.

I just got a book called "In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People" by George Simon Jr.

"What should I do?" should read this book. Also, good call Dan for pointing out his manipulation.

I'm sorry, call me narrow-minded, but peeing on somebody (or gettting peed on) is just yucky and not erotic at all. There. I said it and I feel better now.

How is it that posting nekkid pictures of someone else online without their consent is not a criminal act? Seriously. And how can that woman not value herself enough to be vigorously and vocally angry with him for doing that? What a prick bastard son of a bitch.

Maybe CAM should try a Feeldoe, then she'll get a little something out of the strap on sexy time. I also think it's offensive that she correlates his kinks to him wanting to be the woman. Why must it be what she wants or what he wants, with a distinct separation between the 2? Isn't compromise a big part of any relationship?

WSID,

I'm with #4 (approaching 40), first go on a search and destroy mission. If he wigs out, remind him that even if you're married, he doesn't own you (or your images). Did you agree to any of the photos being taken (obviously of you nude or grossly inappropriate)?

I'm sorry, but the incident you relate would be a deal breaker if I tried such a thing with my wife. As in, her saying "I don't want to know you". We don't get to hear your SO's positive attributes, so I hope there is some balance to fight the DTMFAs you'll get.

Peace.

@9, I think CAM says he's being the woman because that's how they're talking about it in bed -- he wants to feel like a sexy woman.

She could try giving him a few alternate kinks to work with. Preferably, something that really turns her on, to avoid reinforcing the opposition between "hot/dirty/forbidden" sex games for him, and "boring/normal/vanilla" sex for her.

STW: She's happy she has found someone she loves and with whom she has compatible kinks – so why does Dan warn her about hidden kinks and say she should have tried harder with her ex? He's her ex for a reason... the golden showers probably weren't the only reason they broke up.

re: naked pics

Your man's a douchenozzle! Dump that shit!
Three people on the face of this planet have naked pics of me. One is a good friend and a professional photog who knows better than to ship them around. One of them a solid dude. And one of them would go to jail if he tried to share them. So I'm not worried. She, on the other hand, should be. As other people mentioned.

re: the peg-me boyfriend

That man is basically my worst nightmare of kinks. Good luck with all that.

re: golden showers

That's something I would only do in the context of really loving that person since it doesn't get me off whatsoever or appeal to me. But I'm desensitized to urine/blood/feces/etc, so I don't find urine "icky" either. I'd have no problem doing it in the right context and for the right person.

STW's letter and your response are great for reiterating what GGG really means, Dan. That was a great article!

@9

It's called gaslighting.
I'mma resist being sexist but I think we know how this usually works.
Anyway, one partner gets upset about something and then the other person in the relationship reacts as if the first person is "crazy" and "overreacting", they do this with such confidence that the first person is taken aback. Most people will (at least a little) question if they are in fact crazy, and overreacting.

@Erica,
Yeah I noticed that too, I think it was meant to be more for the benefit of readers than the LW. But I agree with you completely.

In top form this week Dan!
WSID's fiance sounds like a manipulative asshole. I wonder if he is the root of WSID's insecurity, and he feeds off her insecurity to fulfill his petty need to be superior and in control.
DTMFA.

Gaslighting, totally. Get away from him and get away from him now. You do NOT want to be married to someone like that. They don't get better. They only get worse. And this is how he is before you're married or have kids? Get out now! The only pause I'd suggest in your flight is to delete any and all pictures he has of you, but even that should be secondary to getting out. The pain of a few nude pics spread around is nothing compared to the mind-fuck of dealing with a guy like this.

Abusive spouses will cook you like a frog, slowly turning up the heat until you're boiled. I've had one and I was left questioning my sanity so much that at times I wasn't sure if I'd even said the words to him that I thought I'd just said, because he would repeat back to me something totally different, with complete confidence, and claim that's what I'd said. He got to where he would assert things that were patently not true as a routine thing - I'd seen such and such movie, I'd dropped our son on his head as an infant and couldn't be trusted with the kids, I'd tried to kill him ...

Yes, it can get that insane. Get out now. Even though I have trouble believing there are sane people out there now, given what happened to me, I can tell you that being single (and a single parent!) is a huge relief.

And perhaps it is my long experience with a highly manipulative person, but I read CAM's situation and can't help but see the guy as passive aggressively complaining that he's not getting the sex he wants. He wants it to be all about him, all the time, and now that it's not, he's sulking.

@11 I thinks he's hinting that while her partner is on the same page as her right now that may not always be the case and in light of the fact they're getting married soon, she should probably raise her hypothetical kink bar a little higher for the possible decades to come.

Ms Erica - Also, that was how STW framed it. It reads as if she was looking for a reason on which to hang the dump and make it look magnanimous. To go right from I'll Mull That Over to I'm Not Up For That to You Deserve Someone Who Is to Buh-Bye and all because she's just SO GGG and Ever So Respectful and Can She Please Have A Cookie?

If I were in RomCom mode, I'd hope that the fiance dumps her at the altar.

Ah, Mr. Ven:
When you're hot, you're hot!
Thank you for causing me to spit wine at the screen. That's some mighty fine form you're showing right there.

If he is talking or posting to the world at large about what you reasonably believe to be private -- ditch him. Now. Or you could have a "serious discussion" -- but real poor odds it might help.
That's no way to work a relationship.
I'm bi and not very horny -- but when the man I love now needs a woman -- he tells me, he says "I found this gal" and then I back off for a week, a month, forever perhaps. I never stop loving him. I care about whoever he needs at the time. I sure as hell don't go posting stuff on the web. Creepy.

@18/19 Thanks for explaining; makes sense now.

The first letter got to me, as I have been living a version of this dynamic for two years and am finally ready to break it off. Partner crosses boundaries, you tell them that it hurt you, they respond with anger. You are entitled to be angry here What Should I Do! If you can identify other instances of this pattern, and it is a recurring dynamic that face this bravely and get out.

This first letter got to me. I have been living a version of this dynamic for two years and am finally ready to break it off. Partner crosses boundaries, you tell them that it hurts you, they respond with anger (withdrawal, blame). If you can recognize this pattern as a recurring dynamic and have tried to discuss this dynamic without fruitful outcomes, then bravely face it and DTMFA.

Thanks for posting this letter, it came at the right time for me.

@24 --
If your partner responds with anger once or twice -- live with it.
If anger is habitual -- run, run, run.

@18 mygash,

OTOH, some people can go for decades and never raise the bar. While being GGG, knowing your partner's comfort level is crucial (and yes, I'm the sort that will always take someone at their word).

Peace.

PS: Besides, as a male you can always piss on yourself if you need to.

Oh yeah, NGT,

Mustache porn!

(Though personally I prefer bearded clams.)

Jousts he == autocorrect of Moustache...

Great advice on all counts, and @19 FTW!

I completely agree STW isn't as GGG as she thinks she is. She dumped him over his kink and sure, a gentle, respectful dump is better than a harsh one, but her letter didn't end with him meeting someone who was willing to engage his kink. He wasn't even pushing his kink - she drew it out of him. Definitely sounds like she was searching for a reason. I guess, after reading my own comment back to myself, I realize: he probably is better of without a chick who does this.

I also think CAM has a whiff of 'blame the victim' here - she got him to open up to something new and then is unhappy with the results? Dan's right, at least give him a chance to find his inner cave-man again.

....and to @24 and WSID: as someone who's been gaslit and dealt with the crazy-making and emotional abuse of a manipulative partner, please, DTMFA, now, for your own well being.

I'm with all of you re LW 1. When Dan called the sneaky picture poster, manipulative-and-petulant, I recognized my estranged spouse. It doesn't get better, trust me. You will lose your voice in an effort to placate an emotional leotard. You're allowed to get mad and he ought to feel remorse for making you mad. "Humor them, they might be dangerous" is a shitty way to live.

@12 - Maybe CAM is your nightmare scenario but then the odds are good you wouldn't have introduced your partner to wearing your lingerie and being on the receiving end in the first place.

@17 - I completely agree with your advice to WSID, but I think your dirty lens is interfering with CAM - I don't think he's being sulky or manipulative. I don't think CAM is really being manipulative either, but she's taken him in one pretty intense direction and now wants him to shift gears again back in the opposite direction.

LW1 should heed the DTMFA cries. But from my own experience when you are in the thick of an abusive relationship you really cannot see the way out. Abusers are charming and when they are focusing positive attention on you it can feel like being bathed in love. Do not marry him. You are so young now and can start over. Much harder, though still worthwhile, to start over at forty or fifty when you've stepped out of the work force to take care of children at his insistence. Take care of yourself.

Posting naked pictures of someone else without their consent is a really serious violation, and it suggests that WSID's fiance doesn't really consider or possibly even recognize her agency. It's extremely objectifying - treating her as an object that he owns and can therefore display however he likes without her input. Bolt, after stealing his laptop/phone/tablet (whatever he used for the pictures), using it to take the pictures down (assuming he saves his passwords for automatic log-in), and wiping the hard drive. If he complains, tell him he's lucky to not be facing criminal charges. Then go see about filing criminal charges.

@9: "How is it that posting nekkid pictures of someone else online without their consent is not a criminal act? Seriously."

It might be; there's a good case to be made that it constitutes sexual assault in some jurisdictions, and technically most internet porn is illegal by state or federal statute (though the anti-porn laws are pretty much only ever enforced in cases of abuse/exploitation, as with unwilling participants - like, potentially, you - or minors).

Bah, not "like, potentially, you" as in #9, but as in WSID.

@31

I got the impression those were his kinks, not her suggestions and it came out as a result of her being GGG, which I try to be as well. I don't tend to attract super kinky guys though, I find.

@35 this is what makes me think LW started the ball rolling:

When I met him, he was a bit boring, and I brought him out of his shell. But now I'm starting to feel like I've created a monster. He has discovered that he is REALLY into some things.

She brought him out...he has discovered.

I suppose it's entirely possible he knew he liked butt-play and had secretly looked at tranny porn long before he met her, and when she went there decided he had hit the jackpot and went overboard, taking advantage of her GGG nature. But, I went for the simplest reading of the situation.

@those saying STW isn't as GGG as she thinks:

GGG does NOT mean doing whatever the partner wants. She consiered it, decided she's not into it, and probably didn't make her ex feel like a perverse creepoid for even having such thoughts.

So, she qualifies.

Let me add to the chorus of DTMFA for the first letter-writer. Posting naked pictures without consent is a dumping offense. His reaction only seals the deal.

WSID, if he doesn't apologize and make it up to you when he's so clearly in the wrong, when will he ever take your feelings into consideration?

Also: thanks to those who mentioned gaslighting. I learned a new word today.

@37 "He has discovered that he is REALLY into some things."

Sounds to me like she proposed a bunch of different activities, as per sex advice books - try fur-lined hand-cuffs! try ice cubes! try role-play! And she was happy that he liked some of it, and indeed it "spiced up their sex life," until that became all he was interested in.

Is it important to you that she be seen as the cause of her situation? Can't we get away from blame? She likes sex, just not the kind her guy is offering -- do you have suggestions for her?

@39 Screen Names,

FYI the term gaslighting comes from the 1944 (and 1940 and the play they're based upon) movie that included the screen debut of Angela Lansbury.

Peace.

Addendum to #41,

The movie(s and play) name is "Gaslight".

Peace.

Although she didn't state it explicitly, it could be that STW wasn't just turned off by peeing in general but rather that it indicates a submissiveness in her ex that she wasn't into. I, for example, have enjoyed getting peed on in the past but would be the opposite of turned on if a man wanted me to pee on him, that power shift just doesn't work for me. She said she found a guy with her same kinks, maybe he's more dominant and she's more submissive? I do think if two people are staunchly on either side (or one switches but the other can't) then that's not gonna work in the long run.

Not that I'm an expert, but I've been hanging out in the crossdressing community for a while now, and I've seen CAM's situation happen over and over again. It's called "pink fog" and my advice to her is to temporarily open up the relationship, or take a hiatus if she is uncomfortable with that. And also it's good that they are not yet married, more flexibility. Her fiance needs to (and will) go all out in exploring this side of himself, and will do it behind her back if she doesn't give him permission.

Once he HAS experienced the limited world of the crossdresser, he will both be thanking his lucky stars that he knows a tolerant and accepting GGG cis woman and kicking himself heartily for risking such a treasure. But he won't know that until he gets out there and has some bisexual action with other crossdressers and trans. That is, assuming that he's mostly straight underneath--if he's more on the gay end, also better to know now before tying the knot.

There is no one more delusional than a crossdresser in his first pink fog. He probably has a vision of transforming himself into a 110% passable, Victoria's Secret supermodel vision of loveliness, hotly pursued by equally passable trans women. At the very least he will drive you crazy by wanting to post pix of himself in lingerie online to get comments from horny tranny chasers.

It is a Pandora's box, and the initial strength of it can be overwhelming for those men who have been suppressing it all their lives, sometimes subconsciously. Just give him time, maybe a year or so, and in the meantime maybe try a little polyamory on your end too to stay sane, if that's your thing. But don't underestimate the ultimate power you will have over him, if he is indeed mostly straight. You will own him far more than you could any drab guy.

@37

"She brought him out...he has discovered.

I suppose it's entirely possible he knew he liked butt-play and had secretly looked at tranny porn long before he met her, and when she went there decided he had hit the jackpot and went overboard, taking advantage of her GGG nature. But, I went for the simplest reading of the situation. "

I don't think he knew, I got more the impression that she was like "hey, check out this website/book/mag/other resource (I don't know, I'm not kinky)" (or introduced him to kink in some other similar, broad-spectrum way) and he came across tranny stuff and a light went off in his head. He went to his GGG girlfriend knowing she would be accepting and nonjudgemental and got to experiment.

Now granted, I'd never take that route since I'm not kinky (unless "often" counts as a kink), I'm more apt to have a "just so you know, anything you're into, you can let me know. You don't have to be shy, I want to make you happy" etc. But still.

Geraldo? Well men who claim that teenaged boys deserve to be shot for wearing hoodies can be extremely sexy. [/except not]

Ms Blah - I wasn't saying she wasn't GGG. I'm saying she played the GGG card inappropriately.

She did at least a little mild digging to unearth the kink. Fine.

She mulled it over. For purposes of discussion, I'll allow that she gave the idea a reasonably fair consideration.

She decided Sorry, No. Nothing wrong with that.

She then immediately leapt to making the unilateral decision for him that "he deserved" someone willing to participate. Wait; what?

An important part of the GGG process is surely working together on discrepancies. If I may tease Ms Erica ever so slightly, only in her ideal world does Revelation of Kink lead automatically to Development of Equal Kink in the GGG Partner. While in many cases the GGG partner may deserve the bulk of whatever consideration is on offer, the GGG partner does not get to make unilateral decisions on the indulged or unindulged partner's behalf.

I could accept any true motivation ranging from the kink just giving her an easy out of a relationship that she'd already cashiered mentally to the kink being, as suggested as possible by Ms La, a total dealbreaker, and that does not invalidate the GGG portion of the conversation. But one owns a dealbreaker, accepts responsibility for it, and does not frame it as a sacrifice made for the other's good.

And this matters because the whole letter is framed as her saying how Good she was and how she was Rewarded for her "selfless" action. To these tired old eyes, that's Misplaying the GGG card.

We could have another fascinating discussion on its own about the Ideal Correlation of Kinks.

Don't think CAMs advice was very good. If your partner is now into acting like a woman sexually and prefers to be pegged over being the "top" in penetrative sex, it is unlikely that he is going to ever change.

He sounds comparable to in the gay world (excluding the narrowest of truly "versatile") where often self-proclaimed tops discover they like to bottom and then seldom are that interested in topping again.

WSID: DTMFA. Everyone else already pointed out how wrong what he did was. But here's another good reason. If you find yourself asking these questions (at 27 years old), ***someone has been messing with your mind****

"Is it that ludicrous to be upset about naked pics of me being posted on the internet without my knowledge?

Do I deserve time to think about the naked-pic situation before he gives up?

Does he have a right to feel angry with me for being initially upset?"

Do I deserve [x reasonable thing that adults routinely deserve]? Yes. Take a good look at yourself and what made you question it in the first place... and then break up with it.

Re: masturbation
I just saw some religious "freedom from masturbation" web site (http://www.porn-free.org/masturbation_in…) that recommended specific anti-monkey-spanking prayers to recite and the advice to "pray intermittently in tongues as the Lord leads you."

I would be soooo much less disturbed by walking in on some guy jacking off than some guy NOT jacking off while sporting a huge hard-on and speaking in tongues, but that's just me.

jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.co…

@51 inbed,

So this is the part where masturbating makes you go blind (by praying not to do it?).

Peace.

@52 I was reading a story by Jocelyn Elders where she told about an older woman who had grown up terrified--seriously terrified--that she would go blind from her secret habit. She wasted years being scared of this (not to mention fear of possible "dropsy" and other threatened ailments.) Madness!

I stop masturbating by having more sex. Mmm. Sex.

GGG may not get to make unilateral decisions for her partner, but she certainly gets to for herself. For me, I couldn't be involved with a partner who had a serious kink that I did not feel comfortable indulging. It would make me feel like he "settled" and I'd always worry he'd find someone who could indulge him and I don't want to ever put myself in that situation. This is because of my firm belief we all deserve/should go for a partner who suits us as close to perfectly sexually as possible. I'd want him to have that as well if I actually liked a guy. I'd find it sad to see him settle. It wouldn't be a situation I'd be comfortable being involved with.

I had a former lover in a "pink fog" as a poster above put it... It DID destroy our relationship. I was just totally uninterested in "being the man" so to speak. The two way dildo didn't help either. The stuff I get off on in sex just wasn't possible while he was acting in a less than gender normative fashion. If I wanted to fuck a chick, I'd fuck a chick, not a guy who wanted me to fuck him like he was a chick. I totally lost my girl woody for the guy and ended up in a relationship with a woman for the next year I was to turned off.

And here's the thing, doing it a few times was fun.... doing it over and over and over, every.single.fucking.time was absolutely HORRIBLE. Just No.

After we broke up guess what he did? He went all out into his pink fog and had some gay/bi/trans sex experiences....

and came to decide he's fine just being a dude and being heteronormative after all. It was just like a craving he had to satisfy. And then one day he woke up and "meh" he was over it. But man he was so immersed in it for a while there was simply no room for *me*. Because a girl acting like a guy in bed (again pardon the gendernormativity here, I'm trying to keep it simple. I am well aware men and women can behave however they wish!) is just not who I am.

Wow, if the naked pictures lady is mad now, wait til she finds out isanyoneup.com isn't even a personals site for swingers...

But really, the guy is a prick for posting naked photos without her consent (and then getting mad about it!), and she sounds like a piece of work too for needing an advice columnist to explain why that shit is wrong. I predict a long and happy marriage for these two.

@ cross dressing lady -

While I can see some erotic potential in dressing a guy up in lingerie and doing him with a strap-on, it would get mighty boring doing that every. single. time. Why? Because that isn't my kink. This sounds like a side dish for you, while it's a main course (or even the whole damn meal) for him. I don't think having "the talk" just once will fix things here, there needs to be an ongoing dialogue. You must make it clear how LUCKY he is to be with a woman who's GGG enough to indulge his kinks regularly (really, how many closeted cross dressers dream of that scenario?) and also let him know that you have sexual needs too. I only see this situation working if both of you compromise. Otherwise, he can line up with all the other CDs looking for the magical unicorn woman who gets off on indulging his kinks 100% of the time.

@54 wendy,

It kind of reminds me of college freshmen experiencing their first alcohol parties.  Once you're past the novelty, it gets old (or sad).  But that is part of the growing up process; you just hope to not damage yourself permanently (and hope for the protection supposedly afforded drunkards and fools).

Which reminds me: never chug a drink someone hands you if you don't know exactly what went into it.  (Though a couple of times when people did that to me they found out I could do projectile vomiting reeaal good!)

Peace.

Dan--- perfect advice for WSID. Her fiance sounds like he needs some serious growing up before ever getting married. Thank you, danfan (@6) for beating me to it.

Now if we can only get rid of Rush Lardbutt and Mitt Happens Romney.

@39. "Also: thanks to those who mentioned gaslighting. I learned a new word today."

Hopefully, armed with this idea, a person can better be on the lookout for gas-lighters.

@51:
I went and checked out that website, expecting to laugh. Instead, I almost cried.

re naked pics:

it is a violation, for sure, but ... other than her personally knowing there was a picture of her naked on the internet, what harm really came from the situation?

if i were in her position, i'd be pissed too. but: it was her waste and bellow, without her face. who could possibly know it was her? as far as anyone else is concerned, it's just another anonymous picture of a vag on the internet.

would it have been better if it was a non-nude picture with her face? personally, i'd be more upset if that were the case.

anyway, her boyfriend's reaction was terrible, so i agree that you should dump him.

@60: "Waste and Bellow" sounds like an English pub.

ok, i'm bad at speling, whaetver.

I haven't even finished reading yet, but I have to say A+ GOLD STAR to the response on the first letter. When she was describing his behavior, I was shaking my head and ready to tell her to dtmfa!

"You might also want to carve out a little time to think about the whole engaged-to-a-manipulative-and-petulant-piece-of-shit situation," says it better than I ever could have. Perfection! Petulant is a fitting adjective for my ex, and letters like hers make me remember how glad I am that he's my ex.

@8

Agreed. Sounds like *Dan* is into getting peed on though. His response reeks of someone who's now into golden showers as a result of a partner's kinks.

EW.

@ 62: Hahahahaha!

@40

Is it important to you that she be seen as the cause of her situation?

Not at all, actually...

Can't we get away from blame?

...fine by me - I was really reaction to the assertion @17 that he was being passive aggressive and sulking.

That seemed like a bit of blame game to me, and I was trying to balance it out. Clearly, it takes two to tango.

She likes sex, just not the kind her guy is offering -- do you have suggestions for her?

I really don't - not more than what she says she's already done herself: tell him she wants to be the girl sometimes and that they need to take turns. She needs to tell him what some of her kinks/fantasies are and insist they receive equal time. If he decides he would rather remain the pink fog, then she ought to find someone new.

I really like your advice @11.

@44 - Whoa, wow. I am not very experienced with the transvestite community, and I'm kind of blown away by the 'pink fog' comments. I hope these folks pull out of this groove.

@55 funny, I don't feel like a magical unicorn woman (great phrase, thanks)

@66 not all CD's react like that, but CAM's boyfriend does have some of the telltale signs.

It is almost too bad that Rick Santorum is sinking. (Correction, sunk.)

No, I'm not for him. I'm a democrat.
But there used to be a republican party in this country, one that could function and tend the needs of the country.

They are now in the control of their most radical members.

Milt facing Obama won't solve anything. That extreme will see Romney losing as confirmation of their demand of a more pure republican party.

We are going to face another four years of a congress devoted to the destruction of this country because they think that will get them in office in 2016.

It would have been better if Santorum had to face the people and got his frothy ass kicked. Then the republicans would see they have to take back their party and get their act together like the democrats had to after Reagan.
I remember things being pretty good under Bill.

@66 thanks!

@67 Do you know many straight couples who have found a good groove, where they both enjoy switching, aka taking turns being "the girl"? Or do husband and wife generally prefer to be the girl, but they'll tolerate being the guy to please their spouse?

People here seem to be very good at projecting the details of their own failed relationships onto the letter writers, relationships wherein they were always the put upon party. Real life people make mistakes and first person accounts are not always accurate. Dan gets payed to make snap judgements about these things in an amusing manner, which he does well. Most of the rest of ya just sound like know it all jerks.

WSID's problem is so common! I've done the same thing--by which I don't mean anything to do with photographs, but only reacting similarly when accused of something I'd done wrong. I had to learn to recognise it (and other things) in myself. It's part of growing up. When does it start? Around the time we start to go to school? Coincidence?

When do we learn not to blame victims? How can we facilitate the learning process? Wouldn't it be lovely if we had school classes on Becoming A Good Person or something?

Religion used to try to do this (with spectacularly low success rates--perhaps because religions tend to be founded on victim-blaming (You were killed by lightning? Your people died in a flood? Your species doesn't live in the Garden of Eden? I wonder why...)).

Where do we learn to be good people? How do we teach everyone? Would Dan be sad if that put him out of a job?

@71 I've got a big mouth, you do have a point. I'm probably just projecting. I'll shut up now! :)

@71

While I agree that context is not always provided, I have racked my mind to provide context that would excuse the first letter and I've not come up with any. Seriously. Can you think of anything that would make the guy in the first letter *not* a monster?

He's less of a jerk if she was misunderstanding his attempts to defend himself, and he's not trying to blame her or tell her she has no right to be angry, but trying to explain what he was thinking. It's possible he's been saying "I'm sorry! I was wrong!" during the whole time, and she left that out.

But even if that's the case, only a monster and an idiot would do something like that! It's such a gross violation! It shows a complete lack of respect.

A few years back my 13-year-old BIL and I were watching a trashy talk show and a woman was explaining that she dumped her boyfriend because he showed a sex tape they made to all of his friends.

My 13-year old BIL didn't understand why she wouldn't forgive him. "It's not like he cheated on her or anything."

And that, in a nutshell, is why I tend to believe her version of events. Because now that he's an adult, I have no difficulty imagining my BIL doing this to his wife. He was adopted out of a very bad situation, so he's not exactly respectful of other people.

BIL's never hurt me. He's always been nice to me because I've never been in a situation where he had power over me. I've never been in an abusive relationship period--my husband is a saint. But I do know that it's entirely possible for people to act like that, and it *is* a common attitude for abusive people.

Someone who is willing to post a naked picture without the photographed person's permission is probably very capable of that. They failed one test, and they will likely fail other ones.

@74 "BIL's never hurt me. He's always been nice to me because I've never been in a situation where he had power over me. I've never been in an abusive relationship period--my husband is a saint. But I do know that it's entirely possible for people to act like that, and it *is* a common attitude for abusive people."

You sound smart :)

@72 something
I appreciate what you're saying. I think that we all have to figure out how to be good people on our own (with varying degrees of interest and success). I think it's one of the purposes of Dan's column and discussion forums like this - learning from other people's experiences to debate and figure out how best to conduct ourselves.

Wait, secretly posting naked pics of your girl online is wrong??

@68 - While I also mourn the sinking of Santorum, I don't see a (hopeful) Romney loss as a bad thing. These whackadoodles - true radicals - who have captured the GOP will indeed make another attempt, which pretty well guarantees that we get another Santorum in 2016 and eventually start to push a national realignment. That's not a bad thing. It is a shame that the Senate gives such a grossly disproportionate veto (filibuster) on national policy, since it empowers the Rotten Burroughs which are the fly-over, no-population "red states" like AK, ND, SD, ID, KS, WY, MT, UT - that's 16 Senators more or less completely locked up by a slice of the population which is NOT representative of the whole country, by a long shot. There are more like this - ME, LA, NM, WV - some of which might lean blue or be a little more balanced, but the pro-right-wing slant of states which are more or less owned by large energy interests and can be bought by corporate America is pretty disconcerting.

We desperately need a re-alignment, and that is underway with a demographic shift in age and ethnicity (heh, back OT!) that defangs the gay-marriage issue and simultaneously undercuts the power of white males. Still, it won't hurt that these folks get more crazy radical and make more non-radical Americans realize that the "left" is really the sane center anymore.

WSID, run far far away! He posted nude pics of you without your permission AND blamed you for the whole thing. Either one of those behaviors is abusive in itself.

This guy needs to be dumped immediately. Preferably out a window head-first.

Quote @79: "This guy needs to be dumped immediately. Preferably out a window head-first."

DTMFA = Defenestrate the motherfucker already.

Sorry but I’m lumping piss in with those other gross things. I thought the point of it as a kink was that its so unacceptable anyway. Thats what makes it work. If you’re in to degradation its gotta actually be degrading, that sort of thing.

Love that, "bi & adventurous are great traits in a mate.. not dishonest & emotionally abusive"... I feel in the same boat w/ this woman... I get the "fuck it, i tried cuz u weren't" all the time and now I know why it pisses me off. He is a liar & emotionally hurtful! Thanks Dan for the consistent clarity!

Dan, it would have been helpful to acknowledge the possibility that CAM's fiancé(e) is a trans woman, and may be reaching a point where putting on a male gender role is becoming painful or impossible.

If CAM really needs her partner to convincingly project a masculine affect in order to feel like a woman, their relationship may be headed for trouble, but I think it would be helpful for her to consider that her partner's gender doesn't necessarily determine her own. They can both be women; there doesn't just have to be one "the woman" in the relationship.

I'd encourage them to explore means of expressing intimacy that don't require CAM's partner to assert an explicitly masculine persona (which apparently makes them so uncomfortable that they would rather not have sex at all), but still meet CAM's needs - oral sex can be particularly great for doing this, as can fisting or g-spot massages. CAM's fiancée might even try wearing the strap-on instead of using their built-in equipment. There are a lot of options to explore

@80 I LOVE the word defenestration.

WSID.

What do you mean by "admitted"? Did he just come to terms with being bi, or did he hide it from you?

I agree with all the rest. This is as good as it will ever get with him. Understand, that if he is cavalier with your body, he will have no compunction about being cavalier with his.

He'll cheat. Can you live like that?

To WSID get the fuck out now while you still have your sanity. This type of personality does not change.

To STW while I agree you did not have to agree to his request for golden shower. Dumping him over that would not make him in the future be more forthcoming to other partners

@75

Not smart--lucky. I know plenty of smart women and men who get into abusive relationships. Usually they feel so "stupid" because they trusted the abuser, that they try to convince themselves that it's not really all that bad.

Abusers are really good at hiding it until they think you won't leave. I know one situation where an abuser waited until his girlfriend was pregnant to start. Another where he waited until they were married. Both girls felt trapped, and tried very hard to make it work.

Now I can pretend that I was wise because I recognized a good person when I saw one, but I know that's not the case. Sure, I felt something off with the second guy, but the first guy? I was as blown away as everyone else when it came out what he was doing.

I'm lucky. I like to think I'd leave, but I don't know for sure.

@87/DianeLGD Your comments here re: abusive relationships are spot-on.

It's refreshing to read so much wise feedback in response to WSID's letter.

WSID - I hope you take the feedback here to heart. Having been in your shoes, I know how hard it can be to accept that the person you love is a manipulative, selfish, gaslighting, entitled jerk unworthy of your love. In my case, the process of accepting that my ex was an a*hat was heart-wrenching, but I'm a much stronger and happier person for having ended that relationship and spent some time learning about boundaries and what constitutes abuse. If you're feeling confused and unsure, a great way to gain some clarity very quickly is to read Lundy Bancroft's book, "Why Does He Do That?" Good luck to you!

@87/DianeLGD Your comments here re: abusive relationships are spot-on.

It's refreshing to read so much wise feedback in response to WSID's letter.

WSID - I hope you take the feedback here to heart. Having been in your shoes, I know how hard it can be to accept that the person you love is a manipulative, selfish, gaslighting, entitled jerk unworthy of your love. In my case, the process of accepting that my ex was an a*hat was heart-wrenching, but I'm a much stronger and happier person for having ended that relationship and spent some time learning about boundaries and what constitutes abuse. If you're feeling confused and unsure, a great way to gain some clarity very quickly is to read Lundy Bancroft's book, "Why Does He Do That?" Good luck to you!

17 & 87-- Are you suggesting that abusers plan it ahead of time, that they think "I like hitting women or just making them miserable, but no one will answer a personal ad if I put that in it, so I'll pretend to be a great guy for years and start slow. That way they won't notice because they'll think they have nowhere to go and love me too much to leave"? They write the master plan in their diaries?

I'm not trying to defend them, but I don't believe it's a plot.

♪ ♫ All we are saying...

♫ ♪ is give piss a chance...

@90

I agree with you.
Pretty sure most abusive partners lack empathy and/or impulse control and/or emotional regulation. Plus usually have trust issues and/or a sense of entitlement.

They aren't good boyfriends (or girlfriends) and they usually aren't the best people either. But the behaviour isn't planned IMHO.

As people become more emotionally involved, worse parts of their personality come out (hopefully better parts too!). Even in healthy relationships with well adjusted people you see some degree of that. We're more comfortable showing all sides of ourselves with someone we're close to. They're also more likely to elicit strong feelings in us if we're more attached.

Have you seen Sexocasting Web Site ???

92- Mydriasis-- What you say is so true, and that's what makes it scary.

I'm a bit of a slob, but when a man comes to the apartment for the first time, he's sees a neat and tidy place. Only after he's known me for a while does he get to see that I don't mind dishes lift in the sink. For the first several months, it's okay if a man doesn't know that I ever fart. After that, farting is fine.

Abusers must see it the same way. They're on their best behavior at first. Then, as the relationship develops, if he loses his temper and bloodies her nose, or if he makes the gross miscalculation and thinks that posting nude pictures of her is alright, he thinks it's the same as the time he got diarrhea in the hotel room on vacation: unpleasant for her, but forgivable with someone you've known for a long time and have a history with, and certainly not something he planned, more of something that just happened-- no different from the way I'm always swearing I'll be better about making my bed every morning-- before falling short.

I'd even differ from Dan when he says that an apology is in order. The cycle with abusers is usually a horrible crime (like hitting her) followed by an extravagant apology (like a hospital room full of flowers). It's gotten to where I'm suspicious of over-the-top gestures. They make me think something is more terribly the matter, not less.

Dude, you are Da Man if you can maintain an erection with Geraldo on the screen!

LW#1. Geez, here we go again. Another "my boyfriend's an @sshole, what should I do?" letter. Sing it out with me children!

DTMFA

@90, 92, 94 - of course the abuse is not planned as in "this year I'll go as far as this, and this year I'll go as far as that".

But it's not a totally random situation either. What is foremost on an abuser's mind is how to further push their partner's boundaries - they want to know what they can get away with, and they won't settle for what they've already "achieved". They always need to get away with more.

If you react too strongly to being harmed, you'll get tantrums to make you back down. They'll only apologize if they fear that you'll leave - so that they'll still have you handy, next time they'll dare to further experiment on you. And they always do, eventually.

So before any of their "games" they'll make damn sure that you're going nowhere : they'll be in a hurry to marry you and to have kids with you, they'll keep you from your friends and your family, or they'll lecture you on marital solidarity : you're not to tell your friends or your family anything bad about them, and they won't tell their family anything bad about you.

An abuser wouldn't stop at waiting several months to fart within a new relationship. As soon as farting had been accepted, an abuser would work onto something further pushing your boundaries, e.g. shitting in bed and expecting the you to clean up - not out of kink, but out of need to see you submit to being abused. And every further abuse raises the stakes on what is next to come.

An abuser never stops ; an abuser's partner has to constantly fight to prevent the abuse from escalating. It's exhausting.

Abusers don't love their partners. They need them, to have a living doll to experiment on.

@94 I spent 10 years married with an abuser and there were never extravagant apologies. There were barely any apologies. In the end I wouldn't even get birthday presents "because we men are bad at having gift ideas".

Of course, with our 3 kids, there was never any question of me leaving... The first hint of verbal abuse only came when I was 6 months pregnant with the eldest.

@cat

I personally don't believe that to be true in the majority of cases. (I think there are some psychopaths out there, for sure, but I don't think they account for the bulk of abusive partners)

A very close friend of mine in highschool had an extremely abusive boyfriend. He treated her horribly. From an outside view it looked as if he was systemically trying to isolate her. And that's the narrative we're taught. It looked like he was trying to manipulate her in a calculated way by mixing kind and abusive behaviour, etc.

But based on what I know about how the mind actually works... that's just not true. He cut me out first, because I warned her about him. He didn't deliberately think "oh, she's a threat to my control". He (like most abusive men) had the reasoning of a five year old. I was out to get him. I was "bad". I was trying to ruin his life. So he didn't want her seeing me. Same deal with her parents later, other friends once they wised up, etc etc etc. But I don't think it was deliberate. He's not that smart or insightful. It's all in-the-moment, impulsive, gut reactions. They only seem deliberately manipulative because of the reactions they gain.

He was insecure, he wanted to feel loved, he controlled her because that made him feel less insecure, less anxious. He saw other people as threats to the relationship he was desperately clinging to. None of it was calculated.

But let me be very very clear. He hurt someone I love. He was horrible to her. And none of these facts make me forgive him. I know all of these things intellectually, but I would not be sad if he died. In fact, I would be happy. I would feel that the world was made a better place (this is also based on other things, not included in my story).

So don't think I'm apologizing for abusers, I'm not. It's just that when it comes to people with pathological psychology, people with normal/healthy mental states often read them quite wrong.

@sissoucat / @mydriasis&Crinoline,

You two may be talking about different kinds of people.

There are indeed people who are manipulative in a quite calculated way, including the 'this year I'll go this far and that year I'll go that far', ten-step plan to acquire complete control of their partners' happiness. But they are rather rare, and I'd call them people with psychopathic or sociopathic tendencies rather than simply abusers, precisely because of the overall efficient planning.

But, at least in my experience, the people we usually what we call 'abusers' are more like the people Crinoline describes: they don't have a plan, they really think they're OK, that their partner is to blame; their level of empathy and understanding for the problems of others is low or impaired (often as a consequence of having themselves been abused, they may look on others who weren't abused as having been 'unfairly favored' by chance and thus rationalize anger and/or lack of empathy towards them).

Of course, as sissoucat mentions, their actions are not random; but neither are the actions of any specific personality type. This is different from being 'evil'. I believe the usual, low-empathy, possibly-abused run-of-the-mill abuser does indeed try to marry his/her partner as soon as possible and have children, but not simply because s/he wants someone around 'to abuse', but, for example, because s/he is afraid of being alone, and thinks having a family will be good; his/her fantasies will be happy and harmonious like everybody else's. When they start fighting or throwing tantrums, they think the partner is entirely to blame; and if things escalate, they will rationalize (and sincerely believe) that they're being 'forced' to these actions because their partner(s) is/are not 'being fair'. (The fact that they believe, even "feel" deep inside themselves that this is what is happening, helps to me explain why their partners so often actually pity and/or identify with them and believe that solving this "bad behavior" is easy.)

I think it's precisely the fact that run-of-the-mill abusers, unlike psycho/sociopaths, actually don't set out to be abusers, and may derive their abusive behavior from issues such as having themselves been abuse victims, that does make it possible to reach them and make them evolve and change (whereas for psycho/sociopaths this is apparently much more difficult, if at all possible). It is not as easy as their partners often mistakenly think, but it can happen. It doesn't always, though, and it takes effort and a desire on the part of the abuser to address the real issues (say, previous abuse). It may fail.