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Comments
jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.co…
...
I think Dan has just crossed a metaphor too far with this one. I need some brain bleach now.
I bet you think that men get paid more than women in porn too, don't you?
The world is littered with men willing to take on this task for free.
Besides, FML, you aren't going to be able to hold your GF the way she really needs it with the sleeves of your jacket buckled behind your back.
Of course there are men who would be willing to have sex with two lesbian-identified, bi women; the point is that they want to control the experience. That is a good enough reason to consider a pro.
FML also sounds like somebody who needs to be upfront with the next woman he dates, or the next woman he's serious about, regarding his complex history of gender, taste, and kink: he doesn't necessarily need to date somebody who's bi, or someone who would stay with him if he did transition... but he does need to date somebody who's clearly OK with who he is and with who he has been.
(I was in a situation somewhat like FML's, more than ten years ago; I moved on and met someone better for me, I'm still biologically male with no plans to change that, and I'm quite happy with how my life turned out, overall. But I try not to call myself "straight." FML's terms for himself are of course up to him.)
Eleven years after leaving an abusive spouse, I have come to fully enjoy my independence. I still identify as what Dan calls "breeder" (although I'm happily childless by choice), but I'm cool with that.
Dumb question: why do so many breeder boys have trouble with this?
Because I'm NOT pregnant and miserable?
FML is saying he's ready to be the man she needed then, assuming he even knows that what she wanted then is still what she wants now. He has no idea who this woman is anymore, b/c they're no longer intimate or lovers. He has this static, fixed image of her that he believes is real. It's just an image that he formed years ago,it's not reality.
The ex is a person. She's not an image, she's a person. She has some agency of her own as a woman and perhaps she even did some exploring of her own (without him!). For all he knows she's got some of her own kinks that have nothing to do with his. They might not be compatible in any way, shape or form.
When you're holding onto the past you don't have to learn anything about yourself, b/c you already have your version of the story cemented in stone. Take a chance, learn something and move the %^&*( on with life already.
It is sad, really, really sad. And I'm only a temporary transplant here, but I want to cry. I read your column, watch your speeches and the "It Gets Better" videos and I feel hope. Then something like this happens (with a clear majority) and I surge into depression.
If you want blow by blow outrage you should check out Dan's bloggie pal http://www.joemygod.blogspot.com/ He helps to keep my umbrage up, every day.
Fucking GRRRRRRRRRR!
Still, the standard answer to how to prove to her (or anyone) that you're no longer the apathetic, distant, and repressed lover that she needed is to start by proving to her that you can be a non-apathetic, non-distant, and non-repressed friend. First prove to her that you're putting her needs first. If that means loving her so much that you let her go, do it.
The other standard advice on how to get over someone, no matter what the reasons for the break-up, is to find someone new. You feel like you're over your issues now? Great! Get back into the game and start dating.
While being GGG with crossdressing is becoming more common with women, especially young women, it's still rare enough that if a straight CD does come across a woman who likes it, he should treat her like a queen. At least FML is young so he has lots of opportunities ahead of him; hopefully he will learn from his mistake, and excellent advice given to him.
But he shouldn't be too hard on himself. It's best for those CD's who are obsessed with men to actually go out and indulge, because some do turn out to be gay after all. Try the shoe on, because that's an even crueler thing to put a woman through. It's good that he tested it out.
Now, how do I volunteer?
Charlie Sheen.
"Bustin' Makes Me Feel Good!"
♫ Nah nah nah nah nah nah na-na-nah-na nah ♫
You said: "FML doesn't say what turns on his ex, what they had/have in common, or why he wants her back. It does sound like he loved her because she put up with him, and that's the part of the relationship (her putting up with him) that he misses."
He doesn't have to say what turns on his ex, what they had in common, or why he wants her back. He also doesn't tell us he has a wheat allergy, or that he has two adorable golden retrievers, or that his ex-girlfriend snorts when she laughs. Because none of that is the issue. Dan doesn't need to know that and neither do we. He gave plenty of relevant information: he was a selfish, disengaged, apathetic boyfriend, who was so consumed with his own insecurities and issues that he completely neglected his girlfriend in many ways, but in the sexual arena in particular. She eventually got fed up and left. Now he wants her back. The end.
Your criticism sounds as if you aren't sure that FML is worthy of his ex-girlfriend's love, as if you don't believe he loved (or loves) her for any reason you validate, and that he needs to prove to you and us that his love is legitimate and passes some kind of test for Dan or you or us to want to help him regain his girlfriend, but that's not the point of an advice column. Of course, we're all free to speculate as much as we want to about underlying motives, but the tendency here in the comments thread to read what isn't there as a means to judge the writer or the person being written about and then to offer advice or, more often, to spew anger that comes from the commentator's own issues and own life experience (not that I'm suggesting you're doing the latter here), seems to be getting more frequent.
FML asked for specific advice (how do I convince an ex I still love to believe I have changed and get her to take me back), and Dan and others are responding (sometimes you can't. Work on fixing yourself and try to be a better boyfriend in the next relationship.) Tennyson had it right: ours not to reason why.
Uh, it's pretty god damn hard, and if you think you can merely click the right boxes on a sex-site, run the search and magically get your guy delivered without time and effort, I got some news for you. It's gonna demand effort.
This letter just seemes so naive and self-involved... I'm betting they won't actually jump the hurdles that are required and will just give in to a guy of convienence, or the worng guy, or no guy at all...
@32. Guys don't care about hot so much if there are two of you. They really, really don't. That's why it pays to go hunting together!
@35 - That's pretty much exactly what my wife and I do all the time (with ladies). Some experiences are more fun than others, but it's always a good time and usually not much effort. Write a good ad and you'll get good responses, and it's a lot easier than you'd think to detect bullshit in an email exchange or two. And I found my very own unicorn, a queer bottom boy who got off on my masculinity, almost immediately on OKC.
Yes, they want two diametrically opposed things: anonymous, one time interaction with someone who they want to know a whole bunch of tangentially related stuff about.
@FML - I don't have experience with the gender confusion thing, but I have plenty of experience with dead relationships where I contributed my share of BS to the the breakup. Yes, in the pain of coming to grips with things being over, we all find "clarity" and are ready to swear off the demon gin (or whatever) for life...kind of like born-again religion. The problem is that if it's only driven by the guilt/pain of the moment, it won't sustain. Much better to take some serious alone time to get to a place - uncoupled - where you have significant, stable and sustainable peace with yourself and your identity.
1. You meant bi, right? I think it's pretty reasonable to expect that lesbian friends won't want to sleep with you despite all your lovely qualities. Anyway I wish you luck.
2. I could not agree with you more on your second point. I personally feel there are some kinds of progress that can only be made as a single person, and other kinds that can only be made in a relationship. I know way too many people who treat being single like some sort of awful curse and I think it's to their detriment.
It sounds to me like you may want your ex back only because she dropped you, and you want only what (who) you can't have. If that's the case, get some counseling before you pursue your next girlfriend, and get your head on straight. Good luck.
It's kind of hard to guarantee that the pro you're hiring didn't come into the business in an unfortunate way. Especially since a lot of women in those kinds of situations don't exactly make those things obvious. I'd guess that your best bet is find someone that is self-employed - who works independently and not for an agency. A friend of mine worked for an escort service and highly reccomended it, but it's definitely not uncommon for those businesses to be exploitative.
Then cross-reference again by making sure at least some of those reviewers are real people who have written reviews of numerous other escorts. After doing that, you can be confident that the escort you contact is not law-enforcement trying to trap you.
Next, reach out to the escort, be polite, and give her all the information she needs to vet you. (Yes, your real name & place of work.) Never suggest anything illegal. You and your partner would like to invite her to dinner and dessert; you expect it to take 3 hours. You understand that she expects to be compensated for coming on this date. After you meet, after you have a drink together or dinner, sudden lust may happen to overtake the three of you. Since you are all consenting adults, this is not illegal, and can be quite nice :-)
"my straight, dominant husband looks great wearing panties & sucking my cock"
Dying. Please make that your bumper sticker.
Anyways, Thank you all for any responses you've taken the time to write. I do appreciate it. I am continuing therapy but I do truly feel much more comfortable with myself after coming to a few big realizations about some fundamental truths. And I am not pursuing my ex, I understand that the only possibility of a romantic future for us is with time, probably lots of time.
Anyways, Thank you all for any responses you've taken the time to write. I do appreciate it. I am continuing therapy but I do truly feel much more comfortable with myself after coming to a few big realizations about some fundamental truths. And I am not pursuing my ex, I understand that the only possibility of a romantic future for us is with time, probably lots of time.
Good for you for doing some hard work. Being comfortable with yourself is a big and an important step to take. Understanding and accepting some fundamental truths is worthwhile, even if it isn't always easy. Just understand that this work is being done for you and your benefit alone. It's true that something true and beneficial may often have ripple effects, but they can't be predicted and you need to seek virtue as its own reward. And who knows how much better things will be.
In a way FML is like a lot of guys and gals; he basically refused to address the issues in a relationship until it cost him that relationship, and now suddenly seeing the costs of ignoring those issues has made him motivated to change.
If indeed he's woken up to his situation I think that's great, but the waters are likely too poisoned with the ex to make much of a difference there. I think maybe he needs some alone time, and perhaps a dose of actual therapy, so he can go into the next relationship fresh and ready.
Well, I would say yes, I meant "bi", but in fact at least two of these "lesbian" friends mentioned occasionally wanting to sleep with men for the sex! They self-identified as lesbian - but had bi behaviors, which is kind of what ABW sounds like. I dunno...being the guest sex toy just sounds great. If one prefers to be dominant, she can use her sex toy on me. I promise, I won't care what labels they use for their sexuality!
Anyway I wish you luck.
Luck? Who needs stinking luck! I have all those lovely qualities...
@FML - the follow up was nice; it is possible to really love someone and still not be right for them, or them for you. It's a big old cliche, but if you love someone, set them free to be happy. That's the true gift of love: making their happiness your priority. Best of luck and give it time; you never know.
Totally, yeah I identify as straight but have occaisionally gotten with women 'just for the sex'. So I gotcha.
As for the luck, I believe you when you say you have those qualities (based on your previous posts/demeanour) but
a. you said it hadn't worked yet
b. a little luck never hurt anyone, did it?
I imagine it was sitting in a drawer at home when she had her children...
You're absolutely right: a little luck is essential to everything - for success in anything, you have to have an opportunity (luck), be able to recognize the opportunity and be prepared to take advantage of the opportunity. We can really only control the latter two items.
Sheesh.
We are people. We like whom we like. We like to do what we like to do. We fall in love with whom we fall in love.
Why must we slap a designator on everything. Don't presume to tell someone else who he or she is, or what he or she is. Give them credit for knowing their own sexuality and preferences more than you do.
look up 'Let Me Google That For You'! Exactly what you need here.. ;)
FML @53, thanks for writing back. Here's what gave me comfort, as I learned about my husband's interest in gender-bending:
a. his obvious obsession with breasts;
b. his satisfaction with his penis;
c. his continued love of PIV (his p/my v);
d. the fact that his interest was sexual, rather than indicating anything about his day-to-day identity.
If you continue to have these fantasies, but want to build a relationship with a straight woman, try thinking about what you can honestly say that will help reassure her that you like yourself and intend to stay pretty much the same as when she met you.
I think you are right. The timing of our relationship was definitely not on either of our sides.
@71
Thank you for sharing that with me. These are a lot of things that I am beginning to accept about myself that I was insecure about before. I wasn't willing to admit to myself that my feelings are of a purely sexual nature for whatever reason.
@74
I'm not going to argue over comments. I do find it curious how you feel like you know me so well though.
I wouldn't worry about it, he's sort of a resident troll.
Anyway, glad you took the advice - best of luck in the future!
I just read the letter today and read through all the comments. I've been a reader for a long time and have drafted many letters to Dan myself while trying to come to terms with the state of our relationship. I never sent any of them because I was pretty sure what Dan would say about the situation. I just couldn't accept the state of things for a long time and battled with myself and my 'inner Dan Savage'.
I just wanted to thank you for your response, as it probably helped me as much as it did my ex. When I saw what was obviously a letter from my partner surface in the column, I was shocked and nervous. But I found your response and all the comments to be so helpful and I know in the end, giving my partner the space to discover who they really are (whether they now know for sure or not)was the best I could have done given the circumstances.
I also had to learn to be strong enough to realize that despite good intentions and much open communication, my needs, which I had expressed and waited to be fulfilled, sexual and otherwise, were not going to be met. And in the end we both deserve to be in a partnership where our wants and needs, sexual and otherwise, are able to be met.
I do expect people to come with their own issues which is why I held on for close to two years. I tried to be ggg, and put into practice all the things I'd learned over the years of reading your column. But after many months of heartache, and feeling for so long like I was somehow less than worthy of my fairly vanilla desires, I came to the tough decision that for my own sanity, I had to walk.
It was such a difficult thing to do, to put myself first as well as to accept that my ex was probably better off working things out on their own. But I fought it out for as long as I could, and I wanted to thank you because your response truly brings me some comfort.
FML, I know you'll see this too, and I really hope that you do in fact continue to find peace, stability and happiness with yourself, to work through your issues, and that in the future we can rebuild a friendship.
I just read the letter today and read through all the comments. I've been a reader for a long time and have drafted many letters to Dan myself while trying to come to terms with the state of our relationship. I never sent any of them because I was pretty sure what Dan would say about the situation. I just couldn't accept the state of things for a long time and battled with myself and my 'inner Dan Savage'.
I just wanted to thank you for your response, as it probably helped me as much as it did my ex. When I saw what was obviously a letter from my partner surface in the column, I was shocked and nervous. But I found your response and all the comments to be so helpful and I know in the end, giving my partner the space to discover who they really are (whether they now know for sure or not)was the best I could have done given the circumstances.
I also had to learn to be strong enough to realize that despite good intentions and much open communication, my needs, which I had expressed and waited to be fulfilled, sexual and otherwise, were not going to be met, and in the end we both deserve to be in a partnership where our wants and needs, sexual and otherwise, are able to be met.
I do expect people to come with their own issues which is why I held on for almost 2 years. I tried to be ggg, and put into practice all the things I'd learned over the years of reading your column. But after many months of heartache, and feeling for so long like I was somehow less than worthy of my fairly vanilla desires, I came to the tough decision that for my own sanity, I had to walk.
It was such a difficult thing to do, to put myself first as well as to accept that my ex was probably better off working things out on their own. But I fought it out for as long as I could, and I wanted to thank you because your response truly brings me some comfort.
FML, I know you'll see this too, and I really hope that you do in fact continue to find peace, stability and happiness with yourself, to work through your issues, and that in the future we can rebuild a friendship.
Also so sorry for the multiple posts.
My theory is that a lot of men want children, but they want to use the whole "I don't want children" attitude as a power-play so that they can win concessions in the relationship.
When a woman shows up and says "I don't want children." they freak out because they won't have anything to hold over her head in order to get the upper-hand in parts of their relationship.
It's a very adversarial attitude towards relationships, and I don't play that. I remember having a lot of trouble finding a guy who honestly didn't want children, or didn't treat me like an unnatural creature for my desire.
Then, one day, while watching an Episode of 2 guys and a girl in the middle of our dorms, a character used the phrase "There are some women who are not made to be mothers, and I am their queen." I stood up and cheered. And my eyes caught a cute boy across the room who was clapping loudly.
We've been together for 13 years of child-free bliss. They are out there.
My point isn't that women are scum or that men are-- only that there's the potential for assholery everywhere you look.
Oh, I agree entirely. I should have made clear that I was only talking about the way that certain men were assholes. I wasn't trying to say that men were the *only* assholes out there.
But seriously: Do I need to include that disclaimer in every thing I type? Aren't we at the point in society where we can just assume, as long as I didn't say "All men are like this and women are saints" that I'm not saying that?
The reality is that people--all people--change over time. Somewhere, about some subject, you're likely to feel differently at 40, say, than you did at 19. We none of know at 19 (or 23, or 31) what that subject will be, nor how the change will manifest itself. It may, for instance, harden from mild indifference into more settled opinion. It may reverse mildly or radically.
Doubtless there are people who misrepresent their true feelings about a subject likely to be contentious between two people if they sense that their partner's feelings are different and that revealing their own would spell the end of a relationship that they want to keep, and hope that the partner's feelings will change over time, or trust that the feelings aren't really as strong as they are being purported, or hope that they can change the partner's mind.
But I'd like to give most people the benefit of the doubt, and say that calling someone an asshole just because his or her feeling either did or didn't change to match his or her partner's is harsh and judgmental, and furthermore reductive of the human experience, which is more complex than a snap judgment of "asshole" can do credit to.
If a guy wants to be child-free by choice, can't he just get a vasectomy? So if he doesn't get a vasectomy, is it unreasonable for his wife to think that's because he thinks he might change his mind?
Ms Diane - I considered Ms Crinoline's post as more complementary to yours than adversarial.
God has designed men and women to come together and form families under the unbrella of marriage.Under this legal covenant sexual relations are good and as a result we are all born.
Sexual relations outside the circle of marriage are to be shunned like a disease.Sexual relations between members of the same sex are forbidden and will with the passage of time lead to nothing but regret.
I saw the sexual revolution of the 1960's,it was a total fiasco.It produced misery because we as a people refused to conform ourselves to God's eternal laws designed to make us truly happy.
In order to end your confusion the remedy is closer than you think and involves a relationship with Jesus Christ.I hope you will take this step. There is no happiness without it.
The Seavior is not embarresed by our sins.He wants to rescue each of us individualy and make us fit for the Kingdom of God.
May God help you on your journey.Log on to LDS.org. and just believe you are loved by God and that he has not forgotten about you and never will.
@88 DianeLGD & @89 Crinoline, and @90 nocutename: Points well taken.
@91 EricaP: Good to hear from you! I hope all is well your way.
Thanks for playing devil's advocate.
One clarification to my post @9 waaaaaaay back when: DianeLGD @87 summed my feelings up perfectly and really said what I originally meant to say. I'm not saying I hate kids; but I am, indeed, in that category of "there are some women who were not made to be mothers and I am their queen". Diane, you're BRILLIANT!! I'm copying this line down and posting it up on my kitchen wall!!
It's comforting to know that in our baby-obsessed society, I am not alone with my own personal decision to remain childless.
The asinine GOP "War on Women" has reaffirmed that I made a wise choice for myself.
http://www.yolohub.com/facts/21-unanswer…
It's kind of clever, target those people who only watch FOX News and show how the "media" are keeping this important news from them. I knew almost all of the things on the list, and the irony is that it's the Democrats who are fighting hard against most of them. So FOX News wins both by tricking the really gullible into knowing nothing, and making the slightly smarter one paranoid and fearful.
Bless you.
I remember a while back a discussion occurring about the meaning of the word "feminist." My point is that feminism allows women choices. This includes the choice to be a mother or not, at a moment in time, or permanently. It allows women's choices to be respected. It recognizes that each individual woman knows what is best for her and that there is no one "right" way for a woman to live her life.
I am currently in the battle of my life to get my uterus taken out. I like kids. But having a child of my own would be a monumentally stupid idea. I would make a mediocre mom, but I am a kick-ass aunt.
But no-one in the reproductive health industry seems to believe me when I say "I don't want kids."
I don't want my husband to get a vasectomy. We have friends who have a use for his sperm, even if we don't.
And I have health issues that make a partial hysterectomy my best medical option. I have had four doctors agree on this.
But no-one is willing to do it. My gynecologist is so concerned that I'll "Change my mind."
I feel like, with the current political climate, I can't wait for "time to pass" so she feels more comfortable with the idea. I'm terrified I won't be able to do it if I don't get it done soon.
Are you sure about this? If he's happy to provide sperm to his own friends, what gives you confidence that he really doesn't want to be a dad? I would think that someone who didn't want to be a dad also wouldn't want to create children with his sperm. In any case, you can freeze his sperm, so that you can use them later if you really want to donate to your friends...
You mentioned other "health issues that make a partial hysterectomy [your] best medical option."
You surely know the state of your health better than I.
But if what you want to do is to sterilize yourself, a tubal ligation is all it takes; if your husband banks his sperm for your friends a vasectomy is still a good option--the most risk-free, and easiest surgical procedure to make sure you don't have an unwanted child.
There are permanent options far less invasive than a hysterectomy, which is major abdominal surgery and a not-pleasant procedure to recover from. I don't know how old you are, but if you are old enough to be married, you should be able to find a doctor willing to perform the surgery.
If your gynecologist doesn't want to do do it, why not use one of the four whom you've said agree that it is a preferred medical option? Perhaps your gynecologist would be willing to do a tubal ligation.
Although the current political climate is scary, I think that those who want to get sterilized should still be able to do so, and as for a partial hysterectomy, they're generally done for reasons other than stopping fertility, so I can't see that politics would have an effect on them. If your insurance company doesn't see the medical need for the surgery, it might not be covered, though.
"they're generally done for reasons other than stopping fertility, so I can't see that politics would have an effect on them"
I'm not American, but isn't that also true of hormonal birth control? Which is also subject to the political winds? Lots of people take it for reasons other than preventing pregnancy.
I don't pretend to know the far right, Christian agenda. But the general tenor regarding hormonal birth control is that it allows one to behave like a slut and just pop a pill, or have an injection or wear a patch. You are right that hormonal birth control is prescribed for other reasons as well, but the very name suggests that the primary purpose to to prevent pregnancies, whereas although a collateral effect of having a hysterectomy is indeed the inability to be pregnant, that is not the primary reason for doing such a major surgery. For one thing, the complications and risks are higher; for another, it is irreversible.
I would imagine that having a hysterectomy would be a far-less scrutinized or policed act, seen as a medical issue under a doctor's jurisdiction. It's not associated in the public mind with birth control for the simple reason that it isn't usually a first or even second option.
Also, I'm not sure that the religious right's objection is to women not being mothers as much as it is to them sleeping around. Since a lot of doctors won't even perform a tubal ligation on a married woman who insists that she won't regret her subsequent infertility (@106), it's got much less of that "slut" stigma about it, whereas I think a lot of the associations with hormonal birth control is that it is taking by women who want to just have lots of sex and "pay none of the consequences." There's a different connotation at play.