You were so much kinder to WSOWS than he deserves, Dan. This is why they pay you the big bucks, because I would have said, "so what if you're gay? What if you are? Who cares? What does that change? What's so terrible about that?"

This attitude in 1963 I could understand, even if it would make me sad. This attitude in 2013, is ridiculous. And anyone who has read your column enough to write to you about this "problem," and then freaks out like that deserves a serious talking to, not a coddling.

WSOWS: grow up. You're probably straight. But you're definitely an asshole.

I say WSOWS is gay (or bi), but he's got too many issues to admit it already. Dan is right, though: it's not the dick up his ass that made him gay. Because he's always been like that.

On a political level, I like Dan's insistence that men who like women-with-dicks are still straight. But as I meet more men with this interest, I think it's trickier than that. It's not that they find out after the petting starts that their lovely date has a dick. They go looking.

Surely, on some level, this explicit interest in transwomen is about straight men giving themselves permission to try something (dick) that they want to touch and taste etc., without having the baggage of thinking that they're gay or bi.

If straight women can flirt with women, kiss, touch each others' breasts, while only having to cop to "heteroflexible," then I think that should apply to guys too. It's a good term for guys who are just curious and open-minded, not obsessed with dick.

Yeah #1! WSOS needs to get over himself.

@3(EricaP): Very good point.

@Erica

I've done more than that and still call myself "straight"

"heteroflexible"? Ugh...

@5 aw, thanks!
@6 You prefer "open-minded"? Dan likes to say people "round down to straight." Whatever, I'm not the sexuality police.

I agree with Dan- us gay dudes are not into a female package with a dick. That's a straight dude's territory.
I think WSOWS real problem is he LIKED the dick, and doesn't know what that means now for his manhood, plus he's only 21. Liking the dick in the butt is the real fear here, as for most paranoid straight guys, or gay guys who don't know they're gay yet, and don't want to be gay.
WSOWS- have your girlfriend give it to you with a strap-on, then do your self-evaluation. If it's anal from a woman and it turns you on, you're still straight- you just like anal sex more than you thought.

Okay WSOWS, you're not gay. Your problem has nothing to do with straight or gay. Your problem has to do with your boundaries.

Here's what happened to you: somewhere, in your encounter, you crossed a line. You probably crossed more than one, and in fact, you probably crossed at least one that you didn't know you had, and now you're feeling like your boundaries have been violated, BECAUSE THEY HAVE. BY YOU. Let's try and list them all, so that we can tease apart exactly what is the problem...because it's not so simple as "OMG AM I GAY?"

*I'm guessing that this was your first time having sex with a paid professional.
*This was your first time being sexually penetrated with intent to fuck.
*This was your first time being with a transsexual woman.

And ALL of this happened while you were fucked up on hash and booze.

Here's what you've discovered about yourself: you've discovered that you do not LIKE being penetrated with intent to fuck. Fingering is okay. Blowjobs are okay. Penetration, for you, is not okay. Whether that's because it's a physical boundary (ouch), a mental boundary (is it too gay?) or an emotional boundary (speaking as a chick, penetrative sex can be an extremely intimate and frightening act, one where you have to just trust that your partner will not hurt you, one where you KNOW that you're immensely vulnerable and submissive) is irrelevant....what matters is it's a line that you will not cross. So, in the future, do NOT cross this line again.

You've discovered that you're straight. You keep thinking about how you want to fuck girls, you want to date girls. You hired a girl as a sex worker, albeit one with unusual factory equipment. Shout it from the rooftops, you're straight.

Here's the big one: You've discovered that you don't like feeling violated.

You don't like feeling violated. You don't like feeling like your boundaries were crossed. You don't like feeling like you're not in control (the way you phrased it, "somewhere during the encounter I became the receiving partner" doesn't exactly imply that you were actively planning it), and you even said you regret her "sticking her thing in your butt."

This is where it gets messy. You got fucked up on drugs, called a sex worker, paid her, and did things with her that you would not have done while you are sober. While you were fucked up on drugs, you said yes (or at least didn't object) when the sex worker penetrated you. If you were gleeful and willing while she gave you a blowjob, and gleeful and willing while she fingered you, and you did not give her any indication that you had second thoughts about penetration, she had no reason to believe that you did not want to be penetrated, and so she did what she probably does for most clients and fucked you. The next morning, cue squick.

I wouldn't call this a rape, since you were the person who called the sex worker and initiated the business transaction, and the sex worker did her job in good faith with no indication that you had a problem. (Right?) I think it's closer to a BDSM scene gone wrong, in which Bottom has had enough, but doesn't say the safe word right away, and when Bottom DOES say the safe word two minutes later, Top stops immediately but Bottom is now upset at Top for not stopping the very second Bottom wanted her to. Regardless, your line was still crossed, and it's normal and okay to feel upset that your line was crossed.

At the end of the day, Dan's advice is good advice to follow. Learn from this. Take the lesson, and move on. If you're still so upset that you're thinking of suicide, find a counsellor and talk about it....particularly one who is sex-positive, who will treat your boundary-violation problem with respect.

Meanwhile--don't call sex workers when you're fucked up, don't fuck anybody when you're fucked up, do not EVER fuck anybody else who is fucked up or who has not given you a clear willing loud YES (because now you KNOW just what kind of horrible damage that violation does to you), and if a girl asks to peg you, say no politely.

"Throuple"? Did we really need a portmanteau of "three" and "couple"? Why not triplet, or trio, or any real-word parallel to "couple" in reference to three-of-something? I'm disappointed.

FWIW, I've never heard the term "throuple" . . . sounds vaguely like a combo throw pillow and dust ruffle. At least in my poly circles (San Francisco and environs), the standard term seems to be "triad." Amongst my friends and also in common parlance as in, pricing for events ("$15 for singles, $25 for couples, and $30 for triads." Or whatever . . .)

@12: Excellent advice regarding boundaries and their respect and violation, and no doubt WSOWS should take it all to heart, slinky, but I was really bothered by all the hand-wringing (I might have to kill myself if I turn out to be gay) that seemed to have had little to do with a feeling of being violated and a lot to do with the horrible fear that this act has "turned" him gay.

All the reassurances that both you and Dan are giving subtly reinforce his homophobia: "don't worry, sweetie, you're still straight" implies that being straight is preferable to being gay. Now, I realize that both you and Dan couched your respective advice in those terms deliberately, and there is more than a touch of irony in both your tones, and that perhaps both of you felt that it was more important that WSOWS take away you main message, so you'd throw him the bone of reassurance of his hetero-ness so you could get on with the more important busisness at hand, but some people (WSOWS comes to mind) aren't going to appreciate that subtlety and your chance to bitch-slap . . . er, educate them about their rampant, stupid homophobia is lost. Maybe Dan and you could follow up your tolerant, sympathetic, and logical advice with another lesson, too.

@6(mydriasis): I think you missed EricaP's very interesting point, which is not that a person can have sexual experiences with members of the same sex and still consider him- or herself fundamentally straight (and be legitimately considered straight by others), but that all these "straight" guys who seek mtf tanswomen (and especially those who look for trans porn and hire trans sex workers) are, if not gay or even bi, not 100% straight, either. Dan points out, and OutinBumF seconds, that this isn't something a gay man would do; nevertheless, as EricaP noted, it isn't an accident that these unwitting straight guys find themselves with a woman who has a penis. She was just suggesting that in this, as in most things in our culture, women are allowed a lot more latitude in crossing gender boundaries without being penalized for it (think tomboy vs. sissy or "I Kissed a Girl"), and she was proposing a higher level of tolerance for the idea that a mostly straight-identified man can want to play around with a little dick once in awhile.

"Throuple" makes me think of "tribble", and now I'm picturing all these fuzzy cute men in triads.

With all due respect, I think the first answer was unnecessary homophobic, even if one started from the point that the LW ought to be coddled and encouraged to feel better. The second letter came across as a bit too open in its tourism, but received the benefit of advantageous placement.

I suppose, though, it's a huge victory for Mr Savage when straight people can write in to him claiming that homosexuality is practically a justification for suicide while all the time looking to him expectantly for assistance. He's been accepted as One of Them. I shall credit him with thinking that this means the rest of us are accepted as well, but he's wrong.

@17: Yes, this is what really irked me. Not that Dan's been accepted as One of Them if by "Them," you mean straight people; but one of "Them" homophobes or homofobic allies.

WSOWS's letter sounds a lot like the one from a long time ago about the "200% Straight Guy", married with children, who had started going to see a masseuse--not for the massage, but for the anticipated weekly blowjob afterwards, and suddenly he's afraid this might identify him as gay.
This one gets my vote for 'HTH" of 2013.

Ms Cute - I'm not in Militant Mode; call it the Heterocentrics who think that Mr Savage agrees with them that straight is just that teensy bit - oh, don't make them say it, but they will - better.

It's sort of a dual misunderstanding. They think that Mr Savage will really help them uphold their world order, and he thinks they've really accepted the rest of us. It's as if this were QAF and he thinks he's being Brian while they think he's being Emmett.

@19:
I assume you mean a masseur? Otherwise there wouldn't be any grounds for him being gay surely.

With respect to Saddlebacking and the Cardinal George, I believe this activity is also referred to as "Italian". The idea being that Italy is near Greece, but not quite the same thing.

I call a cock between ass cheeks "hotdogging". Because, sausage in buns.

"I recently spent a lovely day snorkeling with my wife in Mexico."

1) Did your wife in America know?
2) Please tell me snorkeling is a euphemism. I intend to use this phrase regularly from now on.

@1 & first two paragraphs of @15: relax already, smoke a joint or something, will ya? Not everything has to be about your rights being violated. This kid's just weirded out about a sex, drugs, and booze-fueled experience he'd never had before. Sheesh.

@21: Oh, shit--not again! I meant masseur, not masseuse.
Thank you for noting the correction and calling me on it.

@23: LOL!! With or without Grey Poupon?

re @26: I'm not being PC here; I honestly do appreciate constructive feedback on using terminology correctly (i.e.: I served in the U.S. Navy, not the U.S. Naval). So again, migrationist, thanks.

I also suck at pronunciations, unfortunately. It must be the Bugs Bunny influence I had as a child, growing up watching Saturday morning cartoons.

I think of the first writer more like @12. WSOWS got fucked up on drugs, went too far -or let the sex worker go too far- and feels icky for it. And he wrote in because he doesn't know exactly why he feels so bad.
Maybe. I don't know. I just know the only times I ever went past my comfort zones was when I was intoxicated and/or high. Note: I don't think the sex worker took advantage of the situation, since she seemed to operate in good faith and used condoms. Maybe next time don't do the drugs*, and negotiate in advance what you're going to do.

*Please believe me that I'm pretty libertarian (not Libertarian) about drug use, just not when in emotionally vulnerable or physically dangerous situations.

@nocutename: I would have said, "so what if you're gay"

Ok, but LW's question was "am I gay?". You're response doesn't answer that question, or any question other that "what would @nocutename have said", which no one asked.

I agree with Dan - I don't think LW is gay. Gay guys are interested in men, not women. I also wouldn't call LW flexible, either, because he hasn't said anything to suggest he's interested in men.

I think he's more like a straight guy with a dick "kink" (for lack of a better term). Not all that crazy as far as kinks go, and not especially uncommon if porn supply is a fair indicator of demand. But guys who like women with dicks aren't in the closet - they are what they are.

As for his depressed emotional state, well, he was penetrated, for his first time, without really wanting to be. From what I understand, that can be traumatic. It's cold blooded to be jumping all over this poor kid as homophobic when's he's trying to sort through what happened to him and what it means.

It's only gay if you kiss.

"What I regret is her sticking her thing in my butt. "

Who said that? Was it Nathan Hale?

Ms Grizelda - Actually, hasn't "massage therapist" replaced both "masseur" and "masseuse"?

Dr Sean - The last two paragraphs (minus the opening sentence of the penultimate one) or maybe the last three would have been a perfectly satisfactory answer on their own.

I could dispute the "gayest thing a man can do" (ugh! horrible phrasing) on the merits, as I can think of several things that seem at least somewhat more so. However, given that I have retired from active practice and Mr Savage has so much more experience than I do, I am prepared on that point to bow to his superiour expertise.

There is a difference between jumping on the LW for being homophobic and what I think Ms Cute would have done - pointing out to him gently that his letter indicates some attitudes that he might not want to allow to get out of hand.

Ms Cute's problem was what was left out of the answer, and mine was what was included. One of the egregious anti-gay comments could have been passed off as possible humour, perhaps the equivalent of one of Mr Savage's incomprehensibly admired Prudie's bad puns. Including two is the sort of thing that forms a reason for why the heterocentrists think they can appropriate Mr Savage and use him to uphold their Straight-Is-Just-That-Little-Bit-BETTER World Order.

(And I say this in spite of the fact that any, "Be a man!" advice always reminds me of Claude Erskine Brown telling Phyllida exactly that when Rumpole has been their house guest for a bit too long and Hilda shows no signs of wanting him back.)

To imagine a similar case, I find it hard to believe that Mr Savage would so coddle a gay LW writing in in a similar panic after making out with someone he took to be a cute guy at a party only to be surprised when they adjourned for privacy. Sorry not to devise a better parallel, but I'm in a hurry.

@nocutename and venomminion, Seandr nailed it. I did think about the homophobia packed in his question. I addressed it the way I did (not gay, problem has nothing to do with gay, move on) because the LW specifically asked whether or not he was gay.

Once I answered it with, you want to fuck chicks, shout it from the rooftops, it was time to move on to the REAL problem, which was that he felt sexually violated.

I actually have had a similar situation myself. A few years ago, I had a rather memorable evening with a pair of friends, in which there was far too much booze, and my first experience topping a girl. The third friend watched and gave himself a hand. While it was going on, I felt like it was a combination of business (I started this, I'm gonna give her a good time come hell or high water), physically squicky (nowhere near into her as she was into me), and emotionally squicky (person #3 was in a partnership with somebody else, and while he was just watching from the sidelines, his partner didn't know/hadn't given permission).

After it was over, I had a good week or so of, WTF? Including, yes, wondering if I were a lesbian, and then the holy crap that's homophobic god I'm such a cow, and a whole other mess of emotions I couldn't really put words to. Once I had had time to process it, what I learned about myself is that I like watching BDSM porn but don't like being an active participant (on either end, scary as fuck), I like to watch women fucking but don't want to fuck or date them myself (IOW, kinky, not a lesbian), and that despite all of that, I pushed myself past my normal boundaries and lived to tell the tale.

The difference between me in my little story and WSOWS is preplanned consent. I went into the night knowing full well what was going to happen, and drank some liquid courage and coca-cola specifically so that I COULD tie up my friend and top her. We were consenting all the way through. WSOWS, on the other hand, got fucked up first, THEN called the sex worker, and in his intoxicated state did not set boundaries or think about what he would be doing. He wasn't in a mental state to be making those decisions, things went too far, and now, in the morning, he's regretting it.

IMO, the reason "Am I gay?" popped up with both of us, is that we neither one of us had the life experience to be able to tease apart the complicated emotions we were dealing with, and so we defaulted to the lowest of the low common denominators. Even though the real problem lay somewhere else. WSOWS is 21, and this was his first experience in this type of situation. I bet you dollars to donuts he just doesn't have the range of life experiences that he would need to be able to tease out the emotions he's feeling yet, so "anger and shame at sexual violation" is being lumped into ZOMGTEHGHEY.

What I really hope he learns from this, once he's calmed down and maybe spoken to a counsellor, is to respect the sexual boundaries' of others, and become more aware of rape culture.

@24 - snorkling should totally be a euphemism. Let's make it happen, yo.

@32 - Most transsexual/transgender women are straight? Really? Actually, some are and some aren't. And most of the ones I know aren't. Including the one I'm dating. Please remember that sexuality and gender are two very separate things.

Otherwise, throuple? Yeah, I had a problem with that too. I've only ever heard triad.

Finally, I agree with whoever suggested that the first LW get pegged - I know plenty of straight men who enjoy it and are secure enough to not question their sexuality because of it.

As stupid as this WSOWS is and I'll get to his somewhat ignorant comments, I'll have to say...

Kudos Dan for understanding where he was coming from, even if it might have had homophobic undertones (which I doubt he has to begin with). 

WHAT THE FUCK DID Y'ALL EXPECT! He's a 21 year old straight dude, who had his first gay/bisexual/transsexual experience and he didn't know what to make of it. Of course he's gonna be like "oh my god I must be gay!". He doesnt know shit because society taught him not to understand.  This is the homophobic society we live in. You think this is the first dude this has happened to? Please, this is so PC.  

He didn't go to the evangelicals, he didn't go to pray the gay away, he went to Dan Savage, a gay advice columnist.  

This is exactly the reaction you'd expect from a straight kid, especially after doing something like this.  doesnt mean he's homophobic, he's just confused and slightly ignorant, but he'll definitely learn from this experience.

That being said, he deserves a solid punch in the face from a gay man, and then to be taken out for a beer and talked to about what it truly means to be gay, why it isn't a bad thing at all, and that it doesn't just boil down to one experience or fifty.  Its something way deeper.  As dumb as WSOWS is, Dan said the right things. 

The name for a three-person "couple" has been around for a long time: menage a trois.

"Throuple"? Never heard that before and would be just as happy never hearing it again. What a hideous word. I've heard "triad" and "trio" and "threesome" used; any of those seems vastly superior.

Is "throuple" a Seattle thing?

#14 is partners' therapy for a "triad" known as "triage"?

It might help WSOWS to feel better if he realizes there are many straight men, including about 300 on seancody.com, who have boatloads of gay sex and are still straight.

Well, they claim they are, anyway...

I'm just really pleased with how much Dan has clearly thought about and rethought his discussion of trans people. The answer to WSOWS-- "You made an exception for this woman's dick because her dick is exceptional: It's attached to a woman,"-- was, IMO, excellently trans-supportive, helpful, and, best of all, accurate. This does not sound like what he would have written fifteen years ago, which might have made the same point, but would probably have done so in a way that really hurt people and made them feel excluded and unwelcome. I like how this answer has his classic snark ("You're now doing the second-gayest thing a guy can do. You're being a huge drama queen about the whole thing.") without any unintended bashing. Go, Dan!

I don't think that WSOWS' reaction was necessarily homophobic, though I can understand why it would seem that way. I think that most people who are "100% certain" of their sexuality, then engage in something that seems to oppose what they know about their sexuality would freak out a bit. I've heard of plenty of people who came out when they were 13, then at 20 something wanted to try something with the opposite sex and freak the fuck out because, "OMG, was I straight this whole time?"

When something this significant occurs, especially when you did not have complete control of your faculties to determine if you wanted to participate or not, it's likely to make you seriously question things. Assuring him that he is, in fact, straight is not conceding that straight is better, it's confirming that one act doesn't completely dissolve the sexuality you knew you had.

@49 - I didn't say they didn't exist. I said there doesn't appear to be a majority either way. And by the way, there are plenty of lesbian transwomen who would like to be able to come out and be accepted and admired for who they are by other lesbians. It is the unfortunate reality that they are often marginalized no matter what.

@47 - forgot to mention you in my last comment but I was similarly impressed and thought he phrased that very well too :)

@41 "A gay sex worker friend of mine insists that the main customers of trans sex workers are gay men in denial."

If they were really gay, wouldn't they get around to calling gay sex workers pretty quickly? This is a sex-for-hire, it's a pretty discreet situation.

These customers fetishize both tits and dick. More power to them. If they also like pussy, like WSOWS, it doesn't make sense to call them gay.

"Wanting to be with a woman who has a dick is an almost exclusively straight male kink/obsession/wild side." Ok, please don't yell at me - but I'm a bit confused. I thought -obviously erroneously - that a trans as described in the letter above was a gay guy who liked to dress as a woman (as seen in clubs in Vegas - or Chandler's dad on Friends, etc.) - but unlike transvestites (who I thought were usually straight), they were gay - and had male lovers who wanted to be with these men-who look-like-women. But then Dan says it's usually (?) straight guys who want to be with the men-who-look-like-women (and you can call him? her? a chick with a dick - but unless they've had the surgery legally that is a guy, not a woman with a dick - or am I getting that wrong too?). Usually I get what the letter writer is talking about in this column, but I must admit (from my middle age straight suburban housewife w/no contact w/anyone outside of monogamous straight couples - no one I know (that I know of!) is gay or into bdsm or kink or anything interesting in the ever changing world of sexualilty!)perspective, I'm confused.

@55
The letter is talking about someone who is transgendered. Someone who was born with male genitalia but identifies as female. Typically on estrogen therapy and often has had some surgery, ie breast implants (though for some people estrogen will create enough breast to not need surgery) or facial reconstruction to appear more conventionally feminine. A lot of transgendered people opt not to have full sex reassignment because of the issues involved with having their genitals reconstructed. These people are women, though they have male genitals (or men who have female genitalia if we're talking FTM). While some people who transition are attracted to members of the sex they are transitioning to, often they identify as straight, which means that a transgendered woman (a woman who had/still has a penis)will be attracted to men.

WSOWS, as a straight guy into pegging and trans-porn, I can assure you it's possible to be into these things and not be gay. I've never had sex with a transexual like you did, but I do like to be fucked in the ass with a strap on and regularly watch trans-porn and I am straight. I've never dated or had sex with a man, nor wanted to. Men just don't arouse me.

Why do I, a straight man, enjoy being anally penetrated and watching trans-porn? First, having stuff in my butt just feels good - it makes whatever else is happening feel that much better. Second, the idea of being the object that "gets fucked", instead of the person doing the fucking, is hot to me. I like the dynamic of that power switch, of becoming the one that gets penetrated. The turn on isn't the dick, it's the getting fucked part. When I'm getting fucked with a strap on it's not a substitute for a man fucking me with a dick, it's the fulfillment of my true fantasy - Getting fucked by a woman.

I'm glad I didn't discover my "kink" at age 21, like you, long before I'd started reading Dan Savage, because I probably would have been as freaked out as you, worrying if liking things in my butt "made me gay". Luckily for me, I didn't discover my taste for anal penetration until late in my 20's after I'd been reading Dan Savage for several years (In fact, I discovered it because a SL question about pegging really turned me on ). Discovering the "kink" at that time, as an educated DS reader and with several years of evidence that I was straight, allowed me to just embrace and enjoy my "kink" without having to worry about "what it means".

My advice to you, WSOWS, is to stop worrying about being gay (and make sure your fear isn't stemming from homophobia) and try some pegging. If you liked getting fucked by a trans sex worker, I'm guessing you'll go nuts for getting fucked by a girlfriend you love wearing a strap on.

@55 here, let me help you http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgender

though at this point I would think most people know how to google...

Dan's advice to the lad in a gay panic was fantastic. The joke about the second gayest thing was both funny and in some cases true. But most importantly, its intent, along with the bulk of the response, was to defuse the hysteria in the silly guy's letter. I like the idea of having him find a chick to peg him and then go from there. But I like even more the idea of him finding a nice T-girl to settle down with. That is probably the toughest part about being a transwoman, you spend so much time weeding through the kinksters who see you as a "walk on the wild side" instead of a potential LTR.

wow.. everything just seems so complicated over there heteroville and gaytown..

i'm just gonna go watch some girls with strap-ons assfuck each other and fantasize about stubble burn on my face and lady bits and the tastes of dick, pussy and ass.

oh morgana, i need to get laid!

@56 - thanks for the explanation - certainly helped.

@58 - believe it or not, I did google before posting - I guess in my mind I was confusing transsexual with drag queen (according to wiki, drag queens are often gay men who dress like women, which is what I assumed the above letter writer was talking about). Honestly, there are so many terms, sub catagories, etc. that even trying to follow the info in the link you provided can make your head swim!

@41: A gay sex worker friend of mine insists that the main customers of trans sex workers are gay men in denial.

Interesting anecdote, but really, how would your friend or the trans sex workers he mentions know the "true" sexuality that allegedly lurks in a client's subconscious?

I've never heard of a formerly closeted gay man who started out with trans as a stepping stone to cisgendered men. Maybe someone else has? The typical route seems to involve fucking cisgendered men in bathrooms, parks, and rest stops, or just giving up and marrying Michelle Bachmann. But again, maybe someone else has some confirmed sightings that would correct my misimpressions.

The view that an attraction to trans is a mid-way point to somewhere else is certainly interesting, the implication being that it couldn't possibly be the final destination.

@slinky: After it was over, I had a good week or so of, WTF?

Yeah, I think anyone who's had a sexual experience that felt not quite right or kind of icky can relate to that. It can take some time to shake it off and sort it out, especially if you're young.

I want to second @3 - very nice point. Until we stop equating gay==feminine==weaker/inferior the bi-play double standard will persist. And it will drive curious guys to go for "chix w/ dix" rather than than some jock, hairy bear or muscle boy.

And I think @25 is probably right - gay friends tell me that it's not uncommon for super-horned up 'straights' to get really drunk, "experiment" and then have a bad 'gay sex hangover' - which is kind of what WSOWS had.

@63 - ok, so have never seen cisgender as a term - looked it up - says "cisgender and cissexual are two related types of gender identity where an individual's self-perception of their gender matches their sex." What? If my self perception of my gender - female - matches my sex - um...I have a vagina - then...what the heck does that mean? Seems like there are terms on top of terms - how on earch do you people (and by you people I mean Savage readers) keep up? I think Dan should publish an online glossery for readers of his column!

Bottoming isn't anywhere near "the Gayest thing you can do". It can be totally passive and WSOSW's semi conscious state made it all the more so. No, the Gayest thing you can do is to suck a dick. It's totally active, it cannot happen by accident and even a decent amount of inebriation can mask the fact that a dick is in your mouth. I'd almost also put kissing another guy ahead of bottoming for its semi active level.

@24: If snorkeling is a euphemism, then what exactly is 'snorkeling in Mexico'? And would that make me gay?

I think I'm going to stick to hiking the Appalachian Trail.

@68 - I agree - I read in a book once where a "straight" character can't believe he's "committed the most homo of all sexual acts."

@66, "cisgender" came into being after people started using "transgender" and then realized that they didn't want to call everybody else just "normal", because that implies that transgendered people aren't normal. But your understanding of the term is right: pretty much everyone who isn't transgendered is cisgendered.*

*Probably best not to try to decide whether the intersexed or gender-queer are trans or cis.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intersex
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genderqueer

I've been in a 3 person relationship for about 2 years now, 1 year since we've all lived together. (2 bi women, 1 man)

This is the FIRST time I've ever heard of the term "throuple", as we've always referred to our relationship as a "triad."

I guess the terms could be interchangeable, but your term is new to me. *shrug*

Just stumbled on this:
http://yourbrainonporn.com/can-you-trust…

>> Psychiatrist Norman Doidge explained: The content of what [patients] found exciting changed as the Web sites introduced themes and scripts that altered their brains without their awareness. Because plasticity is competitive, the brain maps for new, exciting images increased at the expense of what had previously attracted them.>>

>>Do a viewer's most recent porn tastes reveal his "deepest urges and most uninhibited thoughts," as Ogas and Gaddam claim?...Or does cyberporn manufacture superficial tastes, sometimes unrelated to sexual orientation?>>

>>When his current cyberporn genre doesn't arouse him, does he think, "Oh, that's a sign that my brain needs a time-out to return to normal sensitivity. Why don't I lay off the porn?" No...He clicks around the Web until he hits something that engorges his penis...After his fourth session of the day, he needs an added jolt of shock or anxiety to goose his dopamine and light a fire under his brain's sluggish reward circuitry.>>

Thoughts?

In your great response to TRIOS, you noted that, "discussions of throupledom all seem to begin with the assumption that coupledom is a self-evidently more stable arrangement." It is obvious to me, and I hope it is to many others, that a structure with three legs will ALWAYS be more stable than a structure with only two legs, which has to lean against something else in order to stand. (Think of the difference between a three-legged stool and a ladder.)

WSOWS says:

"OMG! OMG! Gay sex! My life is over! OMGOMGOMG!"

Yup. Not a homophobe at all.

@72, hmm, the site I posted seems a bit dodgy, and more than a bit anti-porn. Lots of people boasting of how long they've gone without masturbating. Never mind, probably not worth discussing their crap.

@67 I'd put making out with a dude even higher than giving a blow job on the gay-o-meter. As a hetero-man nothing seems further from my desires than french kissing a stubble face or (shudder) a mustache/beard.

The letter writer really does need to 'walk it off'. Just think of it as being pegged by your trans-girl who just so happens to have a high-quality strap-on.

There are ways Mr Savage could have made the second-most comment just as effective without being gay-knocking. And I can stand some gay-knocking from Mr Savage, though sometimes his motivation seems more honourable than it does others. Had that comment stood alone, I'd probably not have mentioned it.

And it's not that I think the LW is all that homophobic NOW. As Ms Cute picked up, he seems potentially headed in that direction if his idea that HOMOSEXUALITY JUSTIFIES SUICIDE is given a pass. I can sympathize with the freak-out and have no quarrel with calming that being the main point of any reply. But, as Ms Cute pointed out, an opportunity went begging. It would have cost nothing to append, "And when you've calmed down about this, you might want to stop thinking gay people should all kill themselves," or something to that effect. As someone who (I'm sure you'll all agree, unfortunately so) failed miserably at suicide, I can say with some force that this is the sort of omission that can stick in one's subconscious.

Oh, and my thanks to those with more experience than I've had who took up the mantle of questioning gayest act possible on the merits. I thought that one just might end up marooned on an island.

Since I've been in a triad for ten years I feel qualified to say thruple sucks- it sounds like something you got from unsanitary toilet seats. We have always called ourselves a triple- like a couple only moreso. Being all female helped I think, but it seems sexist to claim men are incapable of intimacy and gay relationships are doomed from the start. What makes any relationship work is people who are invested in their partners and the relationship.
A three-legged stool is more balanced than a ladder. A pyramid can support more weight than a cube.

I am a woman who, would like to start a business for dykes only. I feel they do not get the love they need, and women, like me will be willing and waiting to lick their asses and suck their pussies. For a fee of course. I do not believe in fake dicks or fake anything. The tongue will be sufficient. Dykes must be clean and germ free, as I--documents must be presented before any contract is signed. SweetPussy

I did not like the column today, or Dan's reply to the first letter writer. I also thought the 2nd was pedestrian tourism. It was a levity provider. I like what about half the commenters said. I appreciated the critique of Dan's relative insensativity to the first Lw. I sypathize with the 1st lw. I understand his freak out, he sounds like he was violated to me. Maybe today is the day when Erica P(rolific) should launch her own website-blog.

@bookaday: how on earth do you people (and by you people I mean Savage readers) keep up?

Well, as someone who has exactly one transgendered friend who only recently came out to her broader circle of friends and hasn't invited me to ask any stupid questions, everything I know is from here.

Here's a free tip - don't say "tranny". May seem like nothing more that a cute, innocent shortening of the term "transsexual", but it has been designated by the powers that be as a vicious slur. There may be acceptable, less formal alternatives to "transsexual" or "transgendered persons", but I don't know what they are.

79- Skye Blu-- A pyramid can support more weight than a cube? It's ridiculous enough in the first place to find justification for human relationships with analogies to the laws of physics, but if you are going to draw such analogies, your purported "law" should at least make sense. Think for a second. Visualize a cube. Visualize a pyramid. Do the math. What size pyramid? What size cube? Made of what materials? Resting on what surface? On what universe does the pyramid support more weight?

@57: My husband is just like you, and I love it.

@35 vennominon: That works for me.

Ugh, why do people think Dan is transphobic? This column is another shining example of his support of trans people.

@82: Writing MTF (or FTM) is pretty short. Shorter than "tranny" even though you have to hit the shift key. I hear people say transwoman, transman or transpeople. Or the trans community.

If people could stop thinking in such dualistic terms, maybe people like LW1 would freak out less. Everyone wants to think of the world as divided into straights and gays (and for that matter, men and women).

It's not at all so black and white. There's a reason that the rainbow celebrates our diversity. Everyone just likes what they like—if people could stop worrying so much about the label and what that must mean for their identities, it would all be a lot easier on everyone.

One of the great adventures of life is figuring out who you are. The greater the difference between who we portray ourselves as/think we are and the actuality, the bumpier the ride. Witness LW1. I thought Dan struck a good balance between "grow the fuck up" & being a sympathetic ear and offering goods advice.....Vennominon's comment(@78) is a good addition:
"And when you've calmed down about this, you might want to stop thinking gay people should all kill themselves," or something to that effect".

Gay/straight, feminine/masculine, want pussy/want dick, want to dominate/be dominated- they're all continuums and where we fall on one doesn't necessarily determine where we fall on the others. Realizing that makes unnecessary much mental anguish.

I think that if this was a woman, and she was stoned/drunk, and she woke up the next day feeling this upsetand depressed, we would automatically say that she was raped, and that she should get therapy, and perhaps talk to law enforcement.
Its obvious that this guy did not consent to this act.

@93 - The issue here isn't that LW1 didn't consent to the sex. He admits that he'd been thinking about TS women for awhile, and had the wherewithal to hire one. And he has no problem admiting that a lot of the stuff he did he was (and still is) perfectly fine with. As for the actual anal sex, we don't know quite what happened there. I don't think that his worker would've started fucking him apropos of nothing. LW1 doesn't even claim that it wasn't consensual. It was consensual then, but he feels bad about it now. Big difference.

I think Dan's answer to LW1 was spot on. I understand that he could've perhaps touched on the whole "i'm gay = suicide" thing a little more. But his message his clear:
Being gay is fine (do people seriously think Dan has issues with it?!), but chances are you are not gay. By freaking out about being gay you are being stupid.
LW1 just seems to be dealing with internalized homophobia, and I really doubt Dan tearing into him (like some have suggested) would have done any good. The guy knows to some degree he's being stupid, and I doubt that he would have sought out Dan's advice if he was consciously homophobic. He just had his first taste of something 'queer' and is having emotions he wasn't expecting. He didn't phrase his letter welll but we can't all be enlightend sexual being such as ourselves now can we?

Maybe it's a regional thing, but everyone I know who has been in a three partner relationship calls it a triad.

@89/91, thanks for the perspective. I know someone who does tend to bounce from one porn obsession to another one, and I find it hard to keep up with how he sees himself and his interests. So I find the topic interesting.

It seems to me that there are a lot gayer things than bottoming, right? I'm straight, and I'd do that 10 times over before I'd suck a dick, for instance.

"Remember: You don't sleep with men, you're not attracted to men. You made an exception for this woman's dick because her dick is exceptional: It's attached to a woman."

Dan, you were amazingly nice and comforting WSOWS - nicely done, hopefully he can deal with his attraction and enjoy it rather than stress out.

I'm in a three-way closed polyamorous LTR and I have never even heard of the term "throuple". We refer to ourselves as a triad. I agree with #97, it must be a regional thing. I'm Midwestern.