Savage Love

Dick Holes

Comments

1
I like the suggestion of using email to discuss potential scenarios. It provides a little distance so things will seem less contrived when they go for it.
2
Never take medical advice from someone named "Stephen King."
3
"It does sound like a problem—a problem that's been solved." This is why I love you so, Dan.

And agreed on the no surprise role-play, although i kind of wish you told him to do it because that would have been a little bit awesome for him to show up, apropos of nothing, as the serial killer, or little French maiden, or angry dog or whatever. too mean, i suppose...

sending love to you thru the ether,
jill
http://www.inbedwithmarriedwomen.com
4
AARP needs to do an interrogation scene just to find out what his girlfriend wants in an interrogation scene. ;)
5
@2 I second that! *shudder!* Dr. King shares an unfortunate name.
That's like Ace Merrill or Buddy Repperton becoming the new high school principal, or Christine Hargenson becomes the gym teacher (see ya, Miss Rita Djardin!).
I overdosed foolishly on the warped pages of S.K. novels back in my teen years, and lived to regret buying into his cruelly misogynist bullshit, however insanely lucrative.
After Sue Grafton therapy (think Kinsey Milhone), I've luckily recovered
quite nicely.

To Dan and Dr. King: all the best however, with dickspeak! You know a shitload on the subject more than I do!
6
@2 hah! Had a couple of drinks tonight and I totally missed that!

@Dan & Dr. King - If he's one of the 10% who doesn't respond to exercises, why have a circumcision now? He has no pain, no difficulty pissing, no physiological pathology evident. His presenting concern is entirely cosmetic. Since the potential symptoms will be obvious *if* they emerge, and he can always have circumcision *if* future pathology occurs, and he is an adult without any history of pathology, why have a circ now? The penile cancer association is with *chronic* issues which the LW is not presenting with. Rarely, circs result in infection and loss of glans penis even in adults. Just sayin.

-- uncut rules (note to angry pro-infant-circ commenters who will bring up HIV risk and cervical cancer risk: read the studies on risk-adjusted behavior, HIV rates in pro-circ USA vs. Europe, cervical cancer after adj. 4 HPV vac., normal functioning of the foreskin in penetrative sex... and go cut off your own tissue to your heart's content own once you're an adult)
7
One problem may have been solved, but her dating pool will likely be considerably reduced - or does the prevailing anti-smoking attitude not apply to this particular substance?
8
@BONG. Vaporizer good for reducing carcinogens. 420 brownies good too:*

http://the420times.com/2009/09/cooking-w…

(maybe the militant vegan slogger can suggest a non-butter recipe)

*(actually never tried this recipe, I live in a state that bans pot and don't want to risk my professional license. police state america sucks. but edible likely better than smoking even w/ vaporizer in terms of habitual use risk factors)
9
I have a friend who developed a creative solution to the "shy sub" problem. After having the necessary talk where they establish the basics (safeword, protection, off-limits stuff), she gives her subs a "red diary." It's a distinct book with a red cover, the idea being that the subs can write their fantasies in it... in whatever format they prefer... and then leave it out in the open where she can find it. They have no way of knowing when she last read it, or what scenario she might pick, and it allows the sub to play up the illusion that this is all spontaneous. One of her subs wrote all the stuff in his diary in the negative... "I had a nightmare last night where my mistress caught me masturbating and made me sleep on the floor in the basement" or "I'm praying she never makes me wear the hood again." Once they'd established that this was how his diary worked, it enhanced the roleplay.

I know another couple who adopted something similar, outside the context of a D/s relationship, where they both have "snoop diaries" where they write down things they want to try, and the other person then has the opportunity to read that diary and think about it in a non-pressure context. Sometimes it's easier to write "dear diary, I have a fantasy about batgirl" than to say "honey, could you dress up like batgirl?" to give a mild example. In their case it was more of a jumping-off point for future discussions and the occasional surprise.

If direct email breaks the spell, set up a situation where you're not writing to the other person, you're just writing down your thoughts and leaving them in a specific, explicitly established place for the other person to "find."
10
@9: What a great idea. I'm not shy myself, but it would still be a good way to make it seem as though the fantasy scenarios are spontaneous. And for people who have a hard time talking about things that are personal or emotional or sexual (or some combination), it is a great tool. Thanks for suggesting it.
11
@5: You do realize King speaks very highly of women and that very often they're the strongest protagonists in his books, right? You seem to be misapplying the term misogyny. Yes, women suffer a lot in King books. SO DO MEN. Take Gerald's Game: She does a lot of damage to her hand and has mental trauma from childhood assault, but all of the main men in this book end up dead. Likewise, Dolores Claiborne: Dolores and her daughter are badly used, but Dolores gets her own back at the man who used them. Ah, but both of those books are connected and they were written a year or two apart--well then, how about The Stand, where the mentor character, God's representative on earth, is a woman, and the starter of the new society is also a woman? What about The Dark Tower--where a huge chunk of the plot hinges on one woman who is actually four, and that woman (in all her forms) is shown repeatedly as strong, wonderful, and independent?

Not convinced? Maybe it's his recent work that has you riled up, like--oh, I dunno, that horrible book about a widow working through her grief and saving her husband and herself, Lisey's Story. Or perhaps it's Duma Key--where the deaths of several men are treated as not such of a much but the death of a mother figure and a daughter are such travesties that they become the unforgivable acts of the book. Or even, perhaps, the book that started it all--Carrie, where the female protagonist (unusual enough for horror at that time) is a tragic figure for whom there is literally no possible happy ending? Carrie's story is a very real one; girls just like her exist all over this country, and drawing light to it isn't misogynistic--it's the exact opposite.

Or wait--maybe it's his short fiction? I mean, certainly, Mrs. Todd's Shortcut--in which a woman manages to transcend all known laws of physics to fulfil the destiny she chooses--is definitely anti-woman. And "A Good Marriage," lord, let's not even get started on how a man who would harm women is treated as being BEYOND the lowest of the low in that story.

Misogyny =/= no woman is treated badly, ever. It's HORROR. The men and the women are equal fodder for bad shit to happen. King's women, on the whole, are strong, independent, wonderful women, not a Bella Swan among them.

Please direct claims of misogyny where they belong--which is not at King.
12
To BONG: Edibles are great, but they get pricey quick, & most effective edibles (that I've seen) are highly caloric.

Smoking = bad for you. Vaporizing = slightly less bad for you than smoking. The Pax portable vape by Ploom is super nice but spendy. A good investment if you think you'll be doing your habit on a regular basis.

@Delta35 @8 - I've replaced butter w/ coconut oil w/ no ill effect for baking recipes, for vegan pals.

I guess in order of my own preference, it'd be good edibles > vaporizing > smoking. If I did those things, which of course I don't, 'cause it's illegal where I live & all.

@ Mr. Vennominon; you're right. There's a lot of dating preference for nonsmokers if the Craigslist ads are any indication. Better to know what you want when you're young & in the pool, though, yes..?

BTW, via Craiglist, I just found out what a "pillow princess" is. No thanks. >:(
13
@Eva:
Now you got me curious:
What is a pillow princess???
14
'Preputial gymnastics' is definitely not an Olympic event when it includes steroid cream...
15
Ms Hopkins - Oh, definitely. It's just another Colour Me Confused moment in the making. Not that I was really paying attention, as I am a lifelong abstainer from smoking, drinking and doping, but I didn't think Mr Savage Himself to be pro-smoking in general. His enthusiastic endorsement gave me a mental image of various people who've expressed the opinion that those partial to cigarettes are the lowest forms of life who never deserve happiness in this lifetime or any other (I may exaggerate slightly) in a panel strip reacting:

1: WHAT are you DOING?
2: SMOKING? You KNOW what I TOLD you!
3: Automatic DEALbreaker! It's... it's...
4: Oh, it's POT... kewl!

And because X always reminds me of Y, this gives me an excellent opportunity to wish that the entire cast of Manor House had had the benefit of witnessing beforehand Jeremy Irons' portrayal of the Pope's introduction to the cigar.
16
@11 thank you, you beat me to it. :)

17
@5 @11
I've read (and listened to the audio book - he has a great voice) his short book On Writing. He obviously adores and respects his wife and his hard working mother. He talks about where he got the Carrie idea, from two real life girls he knew. I did not get an anti women vibe at all. I've only read one of his fiction books so couldn't say as to what he puts in his fiction.
18
Re: smoking pot vs. cigarettes: One difference is that a cigarette smoker may smoke between 1/3 of a pack and two packs a day (my late mother-in-law), which is considerably different in terms of the smell left on skin, clothes, hair, breath, and house (especially curtains, drapes, carpets, upholstery, bed linens) than the smell left behind on the person of someone who smokes pot at the rate of once a week (as the lw is). Even if the pot smoker ups her habit/intake to once every other day, it is still a significant difference in terms of smoke stink. Plus, whereas most cigarette smokers smoke the whole cigarette each time, most people take two-four hits from a joint or pipe (not sure what happens with a vaporizer, nor how it affects smoke-smell, but a does a bong leave that smoke smell on the inhaler? I don't think so, but I haven't been around a bong in about 30 years).

If the lw is smoking marijuana as a sexual aid, she's not going to reek of it all the time. She's going to have time to wash her hands and brush her teeth after smoking and before the sex commences, if that is important to her boyfriend, and she'll likely have the opportunity, because under the circumstances, she will probably be smoking at home, not taking a smoke break every time they go out for dinner, or stepping out of the museum to have a quick smoke, or smoking on her breaks at work, or . . .

I don't mind smelling a little weed now and then, and I LOVE what it does for my sexual response (in my case, just as dramatic results as BONG gets), but I could never be around a cigarette smoker for the simple reason that there's just a lot more smoking and reeking there--and none of it does sexual performance any good, so there's no payoff.
19
People who inhale smoke of ANY stripe into their lungs regularly, on a long term basis will almost certainly pay a price later in life. Emphysema, COPD, dragging around an oxygen tank everywhere you go- doesn't look like fun to me. To pretend these risks do not exist seems delusional to me. Eat it.
20
@19: You might be right (although I think frequency plays a part), but when people often object to dating a smoker, they generally aren't doing so out of concern for the smoker's eventual decline in health. They are reacting the to smell of the smoker.

For some of us, marijuana is an incredibly powerful aphrodisiac. It moves sex into a whole other register. It allows anorgasmic people to achieve orgasms, or allows people who can orgasm to orgasm more quickly, easly, intensely, and multiply. The obvious appeal of those effects tend to counteract other concerns.
21
I think -obviously- it's up to the guy if his cosmetic issue is enough to go surgical on if the treatment suggested doesn't work. But like Dan said, most penis-loving partners WOULD like to eventually have access to the head of their lover's dick. It would truly be weird to me if I never got access to it, it's very vital to the traditional shape of a penis! Not a deal breaker exactly but I think (I'm a woman so I don't know first hand) that he might even feel more pleasure if it could be exposed during sex. I'm not concerned what people do with their children's penises like others are (ahem anti-circumcision zealots) but to suggest he get circumcised as an adult if he'd ever like to get his knob polished is not extreme.
22
Another push for The Orgasmic Diet. Cannabis helps with orgasm because it alters neurotransmitter levels. There are ways to do that with diet and nutritional supplements, particularly fish oil.
23
@Marrena, with all respect to your diet and fish oil: I take fish oil daily for other reasons, and it doesn't make a whit of difference to my capacity for orgasm. Cannabis, on the other hand. . .
24
Um, "role-play" is nearly infinitely varied; the possible roles one could play at are essentially unlimited. That's sort of like 'opening up' about one's sexual preferences by saying, "You know, I really like sex," and leaving the partner to try to figure out all of the specifics by mind-reading. It's a non-answer. Hell, vanilla sex is role-play, as sexuality is heavily tied up with gendered roles. Is there some widely-understood, much-more-specific-and-narrow definition of "role-play"?
25
To Dick Hole Panic: I had a lover once with phimosis. You know what cured it? Unprotected sex! The squeeziness paired with the no condom rolled it right back. It was tight at first, but we had a long warm shower, he lubed it up with olive oil or something, and gently worked it back and forth. After a couple of weeks it was totally fine and normal. Turned out not to be a big deal after all.
26
Was anyone else reminded of Annie Hall while reading BONG's letter? Or just me?
27
@11 Susannah was also, kinda, Mia. Who are the other two? Its been too long since I read the series.
28
Oh, it was Odetta and then Detta. Right.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_cha…
29
If you're going to discuss your kinks over email, make sure to use some kind of encryption. Email travels over the internet in plain, readable, interceptible text.
31
@9, that sounds insanely hot! great way to communicate without destroying spontaneity and the illusion of danger.
32
@5, I don't see where you get misogyny from Stephen King's writing. As others have noted, he has a lot of strong, and powerful female characters who are presented positively.

I do think, however, that he doesn't really know all that much about how modern women live. A quite high percentage of his female characters are stay at home "homemakers", especially in the earlier books, and not all that good at it. People in his books eat an enormous amount of canned stew and packaged cookies, considering there's a SAHM - what on earth do Wendy Torrance, Rachel Creed, and Donna Trenton do all day?
33
@23 I recommend 1700 mg of EPA and 1300 mg of DHA per day for the average-sized woman. I doubt very much you are taking that much.

Also, other things can interfere with the effect, like caffeine.

I'm so tired of talking about this. My book is selling used for one cent on amazon. Not that I'm going to make money off it, but it does describe the whole damn thing, along with health risks.
34
My fiance had phimosis really badly--it made sex difficult and painful He ended up getting circumcised at age 25, and now he's great! But we wouldn't have known what to do w/o Dan--on the real. We assumed my fiance was just "like that" until Dan ran a story that mentioned phimosis. I followed the link and found out what it was, then we found a urologist about a week later. TL; DR, thanks for talking about phimosis , Dan. It made a big difference in our lives.
35
Regarding DHP:

Even if he can't resolve the issue non-surgically, his surgical options aren't limited to total circumcision. I don't know why King didn't mention this.

It's not an all or nothing choice.
36
I have favorite sexy-time strains. The one that gets me hot every. single. time. is Romulan Grapefruit. Or is it Grapefruit Romulan? We grew it ourselves and had to trust the little label on the seedling. :)
37
bother, do not take fish oil like that if you are on blood-thinners, or allergic to seafood, or...damnit, can't remember them all. Aside from seafood allergy, similar interactions as with aspirin.
38
Does anyone else think BONG just wanted to share and plug cannabis, and threw in some questions so the letter could get printed? "ZOMG, it's freaking amazing!" followed by "Is this a problem?" seems a wee bit pretextual.
39
If anyone can find out the STRAIN that BONG is smoking (BONG, are you on here?) or has any recommendations along this line, I'm all ears. I'd desperately love to have a similar experience, but so far my forays have proved completely fruitless. Maybe I'm one of the sad people that just doesn't respond to mj?? Mine was high quality, purchased from an authorized med shop. And I've been assured I'm doing it all correctly. I've tried about half a dozen times, no joy whatsoever.
40
AARP (?), have her write you a short story. I think that's sexier than a Q & A conversation or email. If she's not into writing, get her (and you) drunk, or high (worked wonders for BONG), turn out the lights, and get her to describe what she wants while you're doing her. Bring on the dirty talk!
41
One more person standing up for Stephen King (the writer). Either #5 didn't read the same Stephen King the rest of us did or doesn't know the meaning of the word "misogynist". Warped - yes; misogynist - no.
42
As a phimosis and adult circumcision survivor I'd encourage DHP to see a good urologist and get an informed opinion on whether the situation is going to get better or worse with time. I hated the idea of getting cut and despite increasing issues with sex (tight foreskins hurt!!) postponed and postponed it -- tried the various stretching routines to no avail. Finally went through with it and sex is great again.
44
@5, no way in hell is Stephen King a misogynist. What book(s) are you referring to?

If you knew more about him, I think you'd admire him. He adores his wife, is really funny and holy shit, is he prolific, what a work ethic! He's written a autobiography which is also edifying for writers called On Writing. A great read whether you're a writer or not.
45
"This sent me into a little bit of a panic since this is something I've never engaged in. However, since I am more on the dominant side in our relationship, I'd rather not ask her a lot of questions."

How does panicking and preferring to not ask questions lest your ignorance be exposed square with being the dominant one? If you are afraid of losing your cred, you've already lost it.

You do realize it's not sufficient -- hell, it's not even particularly POSSIBLE -- to bone up on role-play scenes as a general principle, right? You are going to need to find out about HER role-play scenes, otherwise you risk showing up to a medieval Courtly Love scene in Batman underwear.

Talk...to...her.
46
The combination of the name "Stephen King" and the word "circumcision" is pretty scary.
47
Great advice to AARP, from both Dan and the posters here. My husband and I were both shy on our fantasies. After a few drinks and much pot, conversations opened up and we learned so much about each other. We love to fool around and play!

and... stay on subject, who gives a rat’s ass about Stephen King’s writings. THIS IS NOT THE APPORIATE FORUM !!!
48
@gonzo: People who inhale smoke of ANY stripe into their lungs regularly, on a long term basis will almost certainly pay a price later in life...

Classic puritanical thinking - enjoy yourself now, and you'll certainly pay the price later.

They used to say the same thing about alcohol, until mortality studies showed that those who consume 3 drinks a day (that's right, a day!) have the longest lifespans. Not drinking at all is equivalent to drinking 5 drinks a day in terms of lifespan - sobriety, it seems, is as bad for your health as a mild case of alcoholism.

The science on marijuana is relatively young and sparse, with funding and publishing heavily biased towards studies showing negative results. But the best research out there has found no clear "price" for regular, moderate marijuana use. (One of my favorites is a study showing that heavy smoking Rastafarians are on average healthier than the average Jamaican - not double-blind, but interesting nonetheless.) Rat/mice studies have shown that THC can actually reduce cancer tumors, which explains why science hasn't found a clear, consistent link between marijuana smoking and lung cancer, in contrast to cigarette smoking.

Of course, the health effects of pot smoking aren't limited to the smoke. There is plenty of evidence linking an active sex life to health and longevity. Not to mention stress reduction. And happiness.
49
@nocutename: For some of us, marijuana is an incredibly powerful aphrodisiac. It moves sex into a whole other register.

Hells yeah.

For me, it makes sex more intense. No doubt some of the effect happens at the psychological level - it's easier to lose myself in the moment, and I'm more easily awed by things in general. But I think it operates on a sensory level as well, as if the haptic nerves on my cock are all on high-alert.
50
Phimosis guy:
1) Just doing the preputial gymnastics with some nice rich cream, e.g. Bepanthen, helps a lot already. It's all about softening and gently stretching the ring of scarred foreskin so as to cause it to grow wider over time. (Yes, the point is to grow a bit of extra skin. Not just to stretch the existing amount and hope that it doesn't tear.) The steroid helps with all aspects of this.
2) One thing that helped with my kid who used to have phimosis: Making sure your glans & foreskin are dry (after peeing and showering) and very clean. Trapped moisture and dirt promote a constant low-level inflammation that causes scars.
3) If stretching fails, there are lots of surgery options where the foreskin is not removed but cut in a way to alleviate pressure/make it wider/give it a better shape. Google preputioplasty.
Good luck.

Oh and to the would-be roleplayer: Ask your GF, ffs! If you want to do any "dominating", you need to learn to communicate with her openly about her and your desires and boundaries, and also to deal with your insecurities in a way that keeps them out of your dom-time. As a dom, you have a responsibility for your sub's wellbeing, focus more on that than worrying about seeming creative. It's a learning process for you both, no shame in admitting that.
51
Dr Sean - As a general skeptic on longevity studies and health recommendations, I can see abstainer-shaming simply becoming the new puritanism.
52
Three things:
Dan's response to BONG was phenomenal.

Cannabis use is not even close to as harmful as nicotine use. Of course publishing and funding always goes to studies on cannabis with negative results, but there are a few good ones out there. I suggest The Pot Book, it's filled with everything from how marijuana works, to medical information, to cannabis culture and everything in between.

How in the world do you see misogyny in Stephen King's work? The majority of his female characters are strong-willed and determined (Julia Shumway-Under The Dome, for example). Maybe #5 should go back and re-read.
53
@vennominon: As a fellow skeptic of health recommendations, I'm a huge fan of longevity studies since they take a more complete view of health. For years we've heard studies focused on correlations between alcohol consumption and various specific health problems, all of which ignore potential benefits. Longevity studies, on the other hand, more or less reflect the net balance once all of the risks and benefits have been tallied up.

the new puritanism.

Abstention is an intrinsically puritanical act, so whatever label you want to put on those who indulge their vices, "puritanism" doesn't really work.

Besides, no one shames abstainers for not drinking. If abstainers suffer any cost, it's social isolation, given that drinking and smoking pot tend to play such a big role in how people socialize. In my high school, for example, being a straight-edger tended to go hand in hand with having few friends and a depressing social life.
54
As someone who grew up in the '60s and early '70s, I am constantly surprised at the amount of societal pushback there seems to be about pot. It was commonly considered harmless in 1975 and now the feds are going after medical users, and the feds are going after the states that legalized it, and all the red states want to drug test welfare recipients, and lots and lots of employers are doing drug testing for basically no real reason. We're not talking airline pilots and bus drivers here. Proceed with caution if you're going to make pot an important part of your life. In the majority of this country you are putting yourself in significant legal jeopardy. I think it's totally groundless, but they didn't ask me.
55
to AARP - nothing wrong with asking a bunch of questions. I'm in a lightly dominany/submissive relationship myself, and one thing my girl really likes is my self-assuredness/confidence and general "in control-ness". when it comes to bedroom play. How did I get that way? I asked questions. You know what she doesn't find hot? Me fumbling around trying things that don't work out. Then I look like a doofus who is NOT in control of things. My self-assuredness in telling her to do X or Y provides her (she is naturally shy and timid and doesn't like unknown risk) with the confidence to go ahead and do whatever it is I ask because she knows I've already got it figured out.

So while the Rom's are full of examples of a men preternaturally knowing exactly how to please a woman without any words exchanged, it's really unlikely in real life.
56
@45: I initially read that as "a medieval Courtney Love scene," which caused my dick to shrivel a bit. Okay, a LOT.
57
@48 -- for women the alcohol recommendation is significantly lower. IIRC more like one unit a day (as an average). Given my constitution, if I averaged three drinks a day, I would be a drunk. Maybe a mild drunk, but definitely a drunk. And I'm not a particularly small woman, and I do have a drink most days.

I actually can't imagine my husband averaging three drinks a day, either, at any time in his life (including when we were in our 20s and much of our social life revolved around pubs).
58
I had phimosis until the age of 18, when I had it fixed surgically. This does NOT require circumcision. Consult your urologist and ask for your options. If you have any interest in keeping your foreskin, mention that!

I guess the non-surgical option sounds ideal if you can pull it off, but it sounds unpleasant. Phimosis can manifest pretty differently but in my case it would have been absolutely agonizing. My foreskin was physically fastened to my head!
59
My foreskin was physically fastened to my head!


pstinson, I'm not making fun of your situation, I swear, but I got a REALLY humorous mental picture from this...
60
@Eirene: I'm referring to the actual longevity data rather than the official recommendations, the latter of which are generally lower than what the data suggest they should be (I've heard 1 or 2 drinks a day, but never 3). I think the medical field, like a lot of people, have trouble accepting that alcohol could be anything but a vice.

I wish I could recall the sex breakdown in the longevity meta-analysis I'm referring to, but I can't. Quite possibly there were different curves for men and women.
61
http://archinte.jamanetwork.com/article.…

Results A J-shaped relationship between alcohol and total mortality was confirmed in adjusted studies, in both men and women. Consumption of alcohol, up to 4 drinks per day in men and 2 drinks per day in women, was inversely associated with total mortality, maximum protection being 18% in women (99% confidence interval, 13%-22%) and 17% in men (99% confidence interval, 15%-19%). Higher doses of alcohol were associated with increased mortality. The inverse association in women disappeared at doses lower than in men. When adjusted and unadjusted data were compared, the maximum protection was only reduced from 19% to 16%. The degree of association in men was lower in the United States than in Europe.

Conclusions Low levels of alcohol intake (1-2 drinks per day for women and 2-4 drinks per day for men) are inversely associated with total mortality in both men and women. Our findings, while confirming the hazards of excess drinking, indicate potential windows of alcohol intake that may confer a net beneficial effect of moderate drinking, at least in terms of survival.
62
Dr Sean - You're being too literal. X as the new Y is figuratively meant. Your original comment was an excellent start at abstainer-shaming, and it's understandable that one might want to poke fun at non-drinkers as a class because some non-drinkers used to and perhaps still do hurt some drinkers' feelings.

The heart of puritanism isn't what the puritan does or doesn't do; it's all in the finger-pointing. Feel free to call it the new bullying if you're feeling unpoetic.

As far as studies go, I'm not ready to concede that longer life equals superiour health (quantity and quality don't necessarily mix), but, even if it were to be taken as given, I thank you for the opportunity to remind the assembled company of Rumpole's address to Tristan Erskine Brown (and Isolde too, if she cared to listen) that there was no pleasure worth sacrificing for the sake of five more years at the Old People's Home in Weston-super-Mare. Or no pain worth undertaking.

Again, my only experience here is that, if I had to date a smoker or a drinker, the smoker would have a big head start, but I lay no embargo upon the pleasures of others. FTWLTSOTTITSOTTL, as Dame Maggie has said.
63
@2 So very true.

@11 My thoughts exactly! I immediately tried to think of an example, and all I can think of is Lisey's Story is one of my favourite books ever.

DHP I know a man with a very pronounced curve to his penis, and the same rule applies; if it's a life-long condition, isn't causing discomfort or pain, and hasn't suddenly developed any changes; get it checked out if you're concerned but there's likely nothing to worry about.
64
If you don't have the patience or dexterity for a few months of gentle finger stretches with Betamethasone (prescription) ointment then the surgical remedy is NOT circumcision. It is bi-lateral dorsal slit with transverse closure, which amputates no sensual tissue.
65
@33, I didn't know you wrote a book, Marrena. Just ordered it on Amazon, and for the real price and not the $.01. I'm pretty orgasmic as is, but I'm intrigued by the exercises. :)
66
@vennominon: My original post simply countered puritanical mythology with science. I have no beef with the choice to abstain. Live and let live, whatever works for you, who am I to judge, none of my business, etc.

And I'm right there with you and old Rumpole. Living best and living longest are two different things. If science gave a convincing longevity edge to abstainers, I'd still be a familiar face at my neighborhood wine shop.

As for the heart of puritanism, I've always understood it as essentially about the denial of pleasure and frivolity, but of course, there are the witch hunts and scarlet letters to consider.
67
@Eirene: Ah, thank you! I always feel a little nervous about summarizing research from memory (all that drinking and weed smoking), so relieved that I got the numbers right, at least for men.
68
@Eirene: A standard drink might be different from what you consider a drink, volume-wise:

"In the United States, the standard drink contains 0.6 US fluid ounces (18 ml) of alcohol. This is approximately the amount of alcohol in a 12-US-fluid-ounce (350 ml) glass of 5% ABV beer, a 5-US-fluid-ounce (150 ml) glass of 12% ABV wine, or a 1.5-US-fluid-ounce (44 ml) glass of a 40% ABV (80 proof) spirit."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Standard_dr…
69
Yes, that's the definition I was going by, though admittedly a lot of the beer I drink is more like 5.5 or 6 percent.
70
Dr Sean - Think of it similarly to negative calories. One does not give oneself negative calories for declining to eat fruitcake. The key to true Puritanical abstention lay in Resisting Temptation. Those for whom the sin just wasn't attractive and thus didn't obsess about it got very little credit indeed.

At any rate, many happy decades of Chateau Thames Embankment to you. If you were a woman, you could emulate the tourist who went to Elvino's [?] in Fleet Street, was asked to leave because she was wearing trousers, and went on to call it the happiest day of her life when she was thrown out of Pommeroy's Wine Bar.
71
Ms Eirene - Now I'd have guessed your tipple to be gin and tonic. Then again, I mix so little in the world that perhaps beer is the new G & T.

Oh, dear - now I have gotten the question into my head as to whether or not beer is (or can be) feminist, and it will probably take me all day to get it out.
72
For AARP:
Communication is indeed required. However, I do not recommend that she write out a fantasy. While your play can be whatever you two agree on, it generally works best when the sub reveals what she is open to, and the dom chooses and leads. You want to be in charge, not following a script. Allowing the sub to envision the complete scene is asking for her to be disappointed.
The sub should also explicitly indicate things that are not allowed.

Email or lists left out for the other to find can work. Consider making available a list of role play scenarios where she is instructed to reply to each list entry with Yes, No, or Maybe:
Doctor/patient,
Doctor/nurse,
UPS driver/housewife,
Gardener/homeowner,
Lost/out of gas traveler asking to use the phone,
Desperate woman waiting for the bus/cab,
Escaped prisoner home invasion, and
the ever-classic French maid/Master of the house.
Add your own scenarios that interest you. What she chooses and rejects should give you insight.
73
Ven, I do in fact like gin and tonic as well, so you weren't far off.
74
@65, if you do try it please comment some time. I think the regulars here think I'm a spamming troll, or something.

Like I can make money off a remaindered book selling for a penny.

It just frustrates me because I know how to fix some of the problems women write in with.

Also please post if you think I'm full of baloney too.
75
For AARP: (nice start 72)
My lover and I, about 7 years ago, when we talked about venturing into role play, had a brainstorming session, where we wrote down absolutely EVERYTHING we could think of that could be a role play. Then, we went over the extensive list separately and wrote: Yes , No or Maybe to indicate whether we would be willing to try each one or not.
We learned a lot about each other and started exploring all the "yesses". We even hat a little hat the we would pull scenes out of.
About a year later we stumbled across a particular scene that was SUPER HOT for us and we just keep exploring variations on that theme... we may move on from it eventually, but not today, or tomorrow.
Good luck AARP
77
Am I really the only person in the world who loves fruitcake?

No, you're not. Most of the people in my extended family do (including me).
78
@74: I don't think you are a spamming troll. If I did, I would report your posts as spam, and I wouldn't bother responding to you. But I do think that you overestimate the power of diet in achieving orgasm.
79
@seandr

Longevity? That's your metric?
I'd have to say quality of life is more important by far. I'd rather live to sixty, healthy happy and lucid than to eighty with a low quality of life.

Also, don't assume that someone who stays sober is puritanical...

I don't drink because I dislike the feeling. Alcohol is, by far, the crappiest most overrated drug I've ever tried.

I don't smoke pot anymore either since I've rarely experienced euphoria on it and more often than I'd like, it would mesh with my normal tendency to experience derealization/depersonalization/jamais vu and would send me WAY off the deep end in a frightening way. Especially once I was able to compare it to more euphoria-inducing substances, it felt like more a lateral move than an upward one in terms of mood.

And I certainly didn't find it improved sex at all. Painkillers, meth, coke, ecstasy, all do some pretty nifty things to sexual experience but their cost-benefit analysis rules them out for me too.

TL;DR in my experience sex makes a better drug than drugs anyway. Free, legal, unlikely to kill you. But I'm puritanical because I don't drink? :p
80
@seandr

My bad, you already addressed that!

I guess I was reacting more to people who assume that if you don't drink/smoke you're no fun. I do miss my partying days sometimes even though they were quite a while ago now. When I left the scene I took the music with me... especially this song :p

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGBLvE6pJ…
81
@74, Okay, I will definitely post once I get the book. I'll read through the health risks and then decide how closely I can follow the diet, and then I'll just give it a try for a few months and see what changes. I have two regular partners who routinely make me come, but there are still positions where, no matter how amazing it feels, I'm just not able to come, but maybe the diet will change this - I'm also wondering if it will allow me to have more intense orgasms. I'll tell my gentlemen friends about the diet and exercises too, so they can tell me if they notice any changes. I'll also make a note of any side effects, good or bad. I'm excited to start - it will be the hottest scientific inquiry since Kinsey. :)
82
Pillow Princess... dying.
83
Dan: The last two issues of OC Weekly omitted your column. I really miss them! What's going on?
Henry
zarembo7452@att.net
84
For phimosis I would also recommend this exercise: http://pages.suddenlink.net/manual_metho…
85
For phimosis I would also recommend this exercise: http://pages.suddenlink.net/manual_metho…
86
@81 If you decide to try it, take your time working up to the full dose of fish oil, at least a couple weeks, otherwise you may have gastric distress. Give it a month at full fish oil dosage. The results should be obvious.

Men on the diet usually see results at full dosage within a few days, but women's hormone cycles affect libido. I don't generally recommend the diet for men because it will often cause premature ejaculation in younger men.
88
@86, I didn't mean that my partners would try the diet, just that I'd ask them to pay attention and see if they notices any changes in my orgasms/libido.
90
@cocky

Honestly, it wasn't dose-response (or set-setting for that matter) for me, it was more threshold. But I have a lot of appreciation for a drug that can be so positive for so many people while having very minimal negative effects.
91
Hey Dan,

I'm writing in response to your "Dick Holes" article on April 17, 2013. You and Dr. King gave great advice to Dick Hole Panic, but I wanted to add that in the event stretching - or "preputial gymnastics" - didn't work for him, that there are less invasive surgical procedures than full circumcision. Specifically, there's Preputioplasty, which wikipedia calls a "limited dorsal slit with transverse closure". Essentially a surgeon makes a small vertical incision in your foreskin, and then closes it horizontally. When I was younger I had a short frenulum (or "frenulum breve"), and had a similar procedure done (a "frenuloplasty"). For my part, I'm pretty stoked I was able to keep my foreskin, it brings me and my partner a lot of pleasure.

Lastly, Dick Hole Panic says he's not having any sexual or health problems, so maybe this is a "problem" that doesn't need fixing. My girlfriend says she's had previous lovers with phimosis, and it didn't affect the sex at all. I think we're still a little foreskin-phobic in this country, and if Dick Hole Panic's cock works for him, it's sounds like he's fine.
92
Nothing wrong with foreskins, but you should be able to pull them back for cleaning purposes. So DHP should definitely look at non-destructive minor surgery (preputioplasty as described by @91) if the stretching does not work.
93
@Hunter--allow me to translate: "'Pillow princess'--what an amusing term! It is so amusing, in fact, that I find myself (metaphorically, of course, and not in any literal sense) dying with laughter."

Speaking of amusing terms, I had to look up "jamais vu", which means exactly what you'd expect it to mean. I always thought that was called "vuja dé".
94
@92: if the foreskin's that attached, and the guy's had no irritation, it's unlikely that there's a hygiene problem. Babies' and toddlers' foreskins don't retract, and one just cleans off the outside when changing diapers or bathing them.
96
@Hunter78: as in "dying of laughter"
97
Circumcision does not have to be removal of tissue. The phimosis scar can be cut and the healing supervised. Many cultures practices this kind of circumcision in the past.
99
@11 Ninalyn, @16 jujubee, and everyone else on the griz-bashing wagon: I was thinking more of "Carrie", an earlier SK book which I actually found quite depressing, regardless of how King's cruelly evil fictional character Christine Hargenson and others got what they rightfully deserved.

As for my opinion on misogyny, which still stands--or any form of abuse---what about Delores Claiborne's husband Joe St. George, who drunkenly believed in "home correction"? Ever hear of Wendy Torrance?
The Overlook Hotel? Redrum? Does that ring a bell?
I'm glad King loves his wife, Tabitha, and their grown children, Naomi, Joe, and Owen, and any grandchildren. I simply got my fill of HORROR, however fictional, and have since moved on. This is nothing personal to the author Stephen King.

Please direct bashing where it belongs, and not at someone simply expressing an opinion. We don't all listen to the same music, eat the same food, enjoy the same beverages, share the same sexual tastes, or read the same novels.

Come on, for fuck's sake--the SUN'S OUT!!!
100
Just to set the record straight by the way: I am NOT out to bash author Stephen King (or Dr. Stephen King, either!).

There was a brief article in the Seattle Times today, as a matter of fact, that mentioned SK and his wife Tabitha just donated five figures for Coalition for a Safer Maine in efforts to promote gun safety laws.
I agree: Dan Savage, Doctor Stephen King and Best-selling author Stephen King and their families are all WAY COOL.
What I have found to personally be depressing SK reads, despite the strength of the book characters, female or male, is the violent, hateful and abusive mistreatment some of the male characters (i.e: Jack Torrance, Joe St. George, et.al) towards their wives/girlfriends. I know where those women are coming from, that's all. End of story.

Now everybody go out and get some Vitamin D while it's out there!
102
@Eva Hopkins:

Fat-based edibles are expensive and highly caloric, but ethanol extraction is efficient and doesn’t require much. About 0.15 g cannabis extracted in 2.5 mL of grain alcohol produces an intense, five-hour high for very few calories and about $2–3.
103
@auntie_grizelda: you seem to have missed the part in all of these books, ALL of them, where the men in question get what's coming to them. Dolores is portrayed as a hero for tricking Joe into the well in order to save her daughter; indeed, the police in the case decline to charge her for his murder. Wendy is abused, yes--but by a reprehensible man. Would you rather we just not discuss that there are abused women? That, to me, seems the more misogynistic attitude.

And Carrie is horror--it's not supposed to be uplifting. If you want that, go read Nicholas Sparks.

Don't accuse a man of misogyny because he paints a real picture of the world. Denying that picture--THAT is the real misogyny.
104
@103 Ninalyn: Trust me, I haven't missed a thing. I'm well aware that the all the reprehensible misogynist assholes in Stephen King's books get what they richly deserve.
Having left an abusive relationship, myself, and put it well behind me, I find
SK books, many being reprinted (i.e.: Delores Claiborne, The Shining, etc.)
depressing reads. So yes, I'd rather read humor. Doing so does not make me a misogynist!

I have participated in Take Back the Night rallies where I live. I have contributed to Turning Point, Planned Parenthood, and the YWCA whenever I can. Other women have wept from hearing about what I have lived through! This is not to be cruel, but to relate to their pain and help them in recovery of their current traumas.

Don't accuse me of misogyny because I have lived it, shared my story, and moved on. And by simply not reading Stephen King novels, how am I denying anything? Your argument makes no sense at all.
Are you trolling simply out of sheer boredom?

105
Ahhhhhh, listen everyone------------crickets!
106
Use a penis health cream with Shea butter, and gently stretch the foreskin, a little at a time. Never force it back, and be very gentle. The foreskin should gradually stretch until it can be retracted normally. Once you can pull it back, make sure to clean away any smegma to avoid infection.