Savage Love

Sheathe That Thing

Comments

1
As a twenty two year old kinky person your options are so wide open, and (probably) your experience is so limited (married at 16 and all) you have no idea how good it could be to say "Good company or no company."

The good company will be very very good, just try not to doubt yourself.

I'm happily monogamous but if I had it all to do over again I'd have avoided a few things and indulged in a lot of things I had avoided (while being honest, safe and kind of course).
2
CASD: As soon as I read that he didn't want you "fucking another woman like a man", I was mouthing DTMFA. There's such an alarming amount of disgust/slut-shaming in that one sentence I didn't even need to finish the letter to know it would only get worse (and it did). Don't let his own malignant insecurities take root within your own mind, do not pass go, do not collect $200. Just leave.
3
Re: SLAM - Aside from the ego problems, I imagine anything thick enough to add noticeable girth would impart all the sensitivity of a length of truck inner tube to the guy wearing it. Maybe this can be an occasional thing for the novelty of it, but if you want it to be a regular part of sex, it WILL fuck up your sex life, just about as much as if he started adamantly refusing to ever touch your clit.
4
Seriously: A hetero male has turned down an MFF threesome.

That gives me The Fear.
6
@4 There was no mention of a threesome, and considering the LW wanted to wear a strap-on I doubt it was intended as a threesome.
7
And for SLAM, if she and her boyfriend have already explored and experienced anal, she could explain she wants to be dp'ed by him using the dildo on her while they are having anal. Even if the dildo isn't massive the dp sensation might suffice for that 'stuffed' feel.
8
Even though SLAM's BF has been saved from podcast voice recognition, he might have a bit of a moment of unhappy recognition when his girlfriend steers him toward the toys and while reciting her suggested lines, 'Ooohh, wouldn't you like to fuck me with this one?' thus realizing that he is indeed poor Mr. Average Size. Cue sad tuba sound.
jill
http://www.inbedwithmarriedwomen.com
10
Maybe his side of the conversation should go something like this: "Y'know, honey, I've been with some really tight young women, and your vagina just doesn't do it for me. How about you wear this artificial vagina when we have sex? Sure, you won't feel anything yourself, but I think it'll be an added bonus for both of us. That doesn't hurt your ego, does it? Great! Now, about those medium-size boobs of yours..."
11
SLAM - speaking as a guy, I'll warn you: once your boyfriend realizes that you wish he were bigger (which you do; if he were a big dick guy, you'd be happier), there's a very good chance your relationship will be on life support soon after. If you don't think you can be happy being fucked by his dick, you might want to let him find someone who can.
12
"Don't want you fucking another woman like a man"
and married at 16? CASD, you might consider moving out of hicksville.

13
@9: "Oh? Who's being overly prescriptive? What can one expect from one's partner?"

Is that directed at me or the LW? If it's me, what one should expect from a partner is for said partner not to have entered a partnership where the other's kinks are fully disclosed upfront and then proceed to shame them about those kinks, sabotage kinky play by saying the kinkiness of it all "kills the mood", half-ass the sessions ("the most he'll do is hold my arms and spank me") even though the other partner offered to do all the setting-up and then shaming the other partner for potential exhibitionism w/r/t to the equipment involved.

I intuited in the disgusted tone of "fucking a woman like a man" that an utterly un-GGG, shaming, judgmental dick was behind it. And I was right.
14
I can see some of the reasons CASD's boyfriend would be ticked off by her casually throwing out the desire to not just fuck someone other than him, but another gender. None the less, he phrased it in one of the worst ways possible. As for CASD's other requests, it is shitty of him to date her without meeting any of her needs when she's made an effort to be honest upfront. If he had been nice enough to practice the same policy they could have made the decision to continue despite their sexual incompatibility early on or just accept that they're better suited for other people.

And I just don't see the appeal in a cock sheath. There's just so much you can do to change sensations by trying out different positions. But that's obviously more a personal preference than anything useful. I'm just glad I don't have to hear the probable shitstorm that will follow the visit to the sex toy shop.
15
@2: Thanks, lolorhone, for beating me to it in responding to CASD.
I could not possibly say it any better.
DTMFA is right spot on.

16
Hunter @9;

I like the expression "gender-norming on steroids".
17
Griz watch update: It is official, folks. According to my truly AMAZING ND,
the results from my latest blood tests are in:

My January 2013 diagnosis of Type II Diabetes is now 100% totally REVERSED!!! My cholesterol, triglycerides, and blood pressure are better now than they ever were 20 years ago when I got out of the U.S. Navy.

Would you believe I did it while living on gluten-and-sugar-free cheeseburgers, pizza, and pastas?? Who knew??

Now, about my estrogen level---ho-ho-HOLY shit.
18
@17: CONGRATULATIONS, AUNTIE GRIZ! RAISING MY GLASS TO YOU! THAT'S A LOT OF HARD WORK SO HERE'S TO YOUR GOOD HEALTH!
19
What CASD never mentions, of course, is the very high likelihood that she has a child or two. I mean, literally, who the fuck gets married at 16 and 1) not because she's already knocked up and 2) doesn't get knocked up right away, because 16 year old girls for the most part, are all gaga over the babies, and have no clue about the hell they'll put you through.

Including, but not limited to the hell they put you through when you're dating. Which also explains why she's reluctant to let go of this current loser. It's so difficult to date (especially date around) when you have kids that you're basically more than happy to stick with anyone that would have you, just to keep your life halfway sane.

That's not to say that she shouldn't still dump this loser, but you could see from her tone that she was looking for advice about how to change him for the better (impossible), rather than for whether to stay or to go. I'd say that roughly the last thing she wants (or needs) right now is to go looking for someone better, no matter how easy it would be at her age.
20
To guys out there with average-sized penises: PLEASE, PLEASE know that there are women out there who are absolutely happy, kept satisfied, and actually prefer average sizes! For about 10 months, I dated a guy who had a big penis. Even when he entered me slowly, it was unpleasant. And because his dick was long-ish, I couldn't rub up against his pubic bone in order to come when he was inside me, because I couldn't take him all the way in. In order for me to orgasm, I always had to rub my clit, which I hated doing. My past boyfriends were average in size, and almost all of them satisfied me perfectly! (And if they didn't satisfy me, it was not because of their penis size.)
21
"Dear Dan,

My girlfriend and I have been monogamous for five years. I'm of exactly average size (yes, I've measured, because this has been an issue recently; you will understand why in just a moment), but sex with my girlfriend feels kind of loose and sloppy. Yet I've had sex with tight girls, and I would love to try some sort of vaginal insert to make her tighter. But my girlfriend is a sensitive woman, and I feel like I'm going to permanently fuck up our sex life if I ask her for one. How can I propose this without her feeling like her womanhood is insufficient?"

Yup, just as creepy the other way around.
22
@17 Auntie Grizelda: That is fantastic news. Life-threatening disease -- GONE! Always amazing and heartening to hear when it happens. Congratulations and best wishes for continued good health.
23
Um...dick sheaths are new? They existed 12 years ago when I tried one. I was underwhelmed, frankly. (And I'm a woman.) I suspect it's a bit underwhelming for the dude wearing it too, as I'm pretty sure it doesn't provide much stimulation on his end. Fun as a novelty and for short intervals, but that's about it.
24
@17 Awesome! Congratulations.
25
to be honest - while I wouldn't feel terribly threatened and I guess if my partner thinks it's hot, OK, but this really sounds uncomfortable to wear and very little fun to use. Wouldn't a big dildo or a gloved hand do? I can't speak for other guys, but I'm pretty sure I'd be more crafty with a dildo in my hand than with an artificially enlarged penis tugging at my balls.
26
Yes @11. Totally.
27
@SLAM:
First, let me say that I've been drinking.

Second, don't follow any of this horrible advice. Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who had a fundamental problem with your body? "Hon, don't take this the wrong way, but I find myself sexually unfulfilled by your B cup tits. They barely jiggle around when we fuck. And how am I supposed to titty fuck those little bumps? As for the nipples, I'd choose gumdrops over those silver dollars of yours any day."

Would you want them to string you along with a bunch of condescending, indirect bullshit? "Wow, check out the knockers on that babe. Oh, by the way, breast enhancement surgery has really come a long way, and it's pretty affordable, too. Why do I bring that up? Oh, I don't know, but it's definitely not because I'm unsatisfied with your unremarkable tits."

Break up with him gently, look for a guy who's dick is the right size for you, and give him the opportunity find a woman who appreciates his average sized dick. Your relationship just wasn't meant to be.

P.S. Dick sheathes? Seriously? As if condoms didn't suck enough. Your dick is not "in the loop" if it's in a sheathe.
28
I think CASD should be single for a while, maybe date around. She's been married when she was 16, divorced for a year, and together with her new bf for a year.
She reminds me a bit of women who go from one abusive relationship to the next. They don't want the abuse but something in their partner's behaviour/ character must attract them, otherwise it wouldn't be so hard to break the cycle.

So what is it that attracts CASD to these men that she stays with them despite the fact that they don't fulfill her kinks and make her feel ashamed of them?
29
@lolorhone: I'm with Hunter. I agree with your conclusion that the guy is a dick, but the reasoning that got you there suggests a lack of insight into the function and dysfunction of the straight male mind.

This guy's hangup is more about "who has the penis" than about sexual promiscuity, mixed with a standard issue preference for monogamy and probably a dash of anxiety that she might abandon him for a woman. As for his limits with BDSM, I've known enlightened liberal men who simply don't get how spanking or otherwise dominating a woman could be considered sexy. Even after I explained it to them.

In any case, CASD should dump this stiff immediately and hook up with one of the millions of men who'd be happy to pull her hair and toss her around and let her fuck other women.

Side note - one of the hottest BDSM porn scenes I've ever seen (on kink.com, I believe) started with two women, one domming the other with a strap-on, and ended with a man entering the scene and both submitting to him, with the dom woman assuming a "second in command" role and directing their combined efforts to please him, assigning the more "menial" tasks to the sub woman. Good god if only.

CASD, it seems, has the potential to be in the middle of such a scene.
30
@21, the difference is, she doesn't say one critical word about sex with her boyfriend. "Loose and sloppy"? She says he's average, not small. She doesn't say the sex is bad. She just says there is a particular sensation she's looking for, that she would like to have again. The end.

I wouldn't be insulted if my partner wanted me to do Kegels--which is the true equivalent of the dick sheath, both being the simplest solution to achieving the desired sensation, unless you know of some exercise LW1's boyfriend could do to make his dick bigger. Why should LW1's boyfriend be insulted if she wants to try a dick sheath?

If you're GGG, you should be willing to try new things in bed to please your partner. I think this falls into that category very neatly.
31
@29

She's not asking him to change his body. She's not demanding surgery. And she's not saying that she has a fundamental problem with the sex that they have. She's just saying she's had sex that involves a particular sensation that she really enjoyed--which he could achieve through the use of a readily-available sex toy--and she would like to have it again.

I see no indication that she's currently miserable in bed with him and would like to fix that misery by getting him to switch to only screwing her with a sheath on. My understanding of the letter is that the sex they're having is mostly pretty good--as sex mostly is--but she would occasionally like to add something that would be mind-blowingly amazing, and that something, for her, would be achieved with a sheath.

Would you equally have a problem with it if that something was achieved with a vibrator, or a dildo, or a vibrating dildo? Or a cock ring? The sheath is just another tool in the pursuit of pleasure. Nothing in her letter indicates that it's anything more than that.
32
How can all these commenters be saying on the one hand DTMFA because he doesn't fulfill CASD needs and yet rejecting the dick sheath advice as if its not exactly the same thing?!

SLAM doesn't say she doesn't enjoy sex with her boyfriend with his normal dick, she doesn't say she wants to break up with him, nor does she say she wants to fuck with a dick sheath all the time, she just says that she would like the big dick option now and again.

Isn't that the point of sex toys, or indulging kinks, to be occasional, to be fun? Big dick desire is really something that I would think would come under the occasional category cos as 20 says, its not always pleasant for the average girl. And especially if it doesn't do much for him, she wouldn't want to be doing it all the time, because she states quite clearly she doesn't want to kill the relationship.

Getting annoyed at all these commenters who are railing on the dick sheath as if SLAM had said that what she was after was big dick all the time. If her partner isn't prepared to fulfill her desires then maybe she should DTMFA, just as everyone is supporting CASD in doing for the saame reason.
33
@ 29: I think I'm far from the only one who'd be 1,000% more sympathetic to LW2's boyfriend if he'd phrased it differently than "like a man." It's certainly possible that your more-generous interpretation is the true one, but if it was, wouldn't he have phrased it differently?

I don't know of any enlightened, liberal men who would phrase it as "fucking another woman like a man." Even the ones who wouldn't want their girlfriend having an FF hookup.
34
Some of the comments here are just ridiculous and show a major lack of imagination. To the person who said that if letter writer 1 wants a bigger dick once and awhile it means the relationship is doomed: my husband is pretty big, but sometimes I want something bigger, because it's fun and seems dirty. So, he fucks me with a toy, and it's enjoyed by all. And to the person who said that a strap-on must mean the writer didn't want a threesome: my husband and I have semi-regular group sex, and sometimes it involves strap-ons. The men sure seem to enjoy watching it happen. There are plenty of ways to fulfill your partner's desires, if you're not super insecure.
35
I'm with avast on this one, it's hard to avoid the implication that their body is subpar. Part of why I'm so choosy. You want to spend forever with someone? Make it someone who you won't be unsatisfied with.

My understanding of the letter is that the sex they're having is mostly pretty good--as sex mostly is--but she would occasionally like to add something that would be mind-blowingly amazing, and that something, for her, would be achieved with a sheath.

Sounds like you have a lower standard for what baseline sex should be like in a relationship. I think that mind-blowingly amazing sex should be a given - not something that requires outside intervention (especially one that - from the sounds of it - kind of kills the pleasure for one partner). But personal standpoint is based on me and my anatomy.

The size queens among us should probably be with well endowed men, for the sake of their own pleasure and their man's ego.
36
I agree that CASD and her guy are mismatched and should probably part ways. But why is it so unforgivably horrible to refer to the prospect of her doing another woman WITH A STRAP-ON as "fucking another woman like a man"?

Women talk all the time about how putting on a strap-on lets them feel like they've stepped into the male role. And everyone has the right to set boundaries for what they do and don't feel comfortable with, however arbitrary they might seem to someone else. If he doesn't like that mental image as part of his relationship, HE HAS THE RIGHT TO SAY NO TO IT.

To me, it seems like people are looking for an excuse to get righteously angry at this guy because they don't like what he stands for, i.e. a non-kinkster who's saying "no" to a kinky woman. So they're picking apart his phrasing and finding ways to make him seem like the archetypical heterosexist blah blah blah. (And remember, we're only getting her side of the story, and kinksters can be just as manipulative and add as much spin and selective memory as anyone.)

But the truth is, this is just a matter of two incompatible people who should part ways.
37
For LW1, I suggest using a butt plug on him if shopping doesn't work, or he's too sensitive to try it. Of course, provided he has an open back door :) My beau and I use the butt plug when he wants to be super crazy hard, and even a little bigger/fuller, and it feels amazing. When we started messing around with the plug, we never realized the good things it would bring to his dick, but damn, now I would miss it if we dropped it entirely. (And of course, we switch it up a little and don't use it all the time, but when he's wearing the plug, it makes it feel like a stranger is fucking me. Doubly good for everyone.)
38
Dick sheath? Dan has been mentioning these things a lot lately. Sounds a bit like shooting pool with a rope, because you know once the cock is in there it's going limp and that thing will be all over the place. I'm with the others who would much rather get a big toy. You get a much better view that way.

Re "fucking like a man": I know this mental midget of a b/f wasn't approaching it from this angle, but isn't the gender reversal/role play part of what makes it hot for some people?
39
The word "vagina" comes from the Latin for sheath. So having a sheath means having a vagina in her vagina.

Obviously, the problem is that she is a lesbian in a heterosexual relationship.

40
I am 99% sure that if someone asked about stuff to make a vagina tighter (I love her, and it's average, but I just wish it was tighter!) people would freak the fuck out and lose their shit.

You don't like your partner's bits? Find a partner with bits you DO like.
41
@36: It might not be wholly rational, but saying he doesn't want her "fucking another woman like a man" triggers some pretty negative associations for a lot of us. He absolutely has the right to say no to extracurricular adventures, yes, but the way he says no can say something about him, too.

And since this is all the info we have about him, it makes the guy sound like a douche. My read is that the guy's just drowning in hangups, but that doesn't look like something the LW should have to fix.
42
If any gender identifiers are edited out of a letter, there should be a notation before it begins, or the answer should be gender-neutral. Presumed opposite-sexuality is a HUGE LMB, one of the biggest LMBs there is.

Excepting those for whom it's really necessary, my off-the-top-of-my-head first impulse for anyone in an MM or MF encounter (I'd have to think for FF) would be that not being willing to try it once or twice and wanting it to be the norm without partner's enthusiastic agreement would be baselines for Dumpable.
43
I agree that there's virtually no way a woman could suggest to a man that his penis isn't large enough to give her the filled-up feeling she wants without hurting his feelings or making him insecure in his masculinity and ability to satisfy her, even if she just wants a once-in-a-while bigger dick.

Depending on the sensation they provide and both parties' feelings about toys or the frequency of use, a cock sheath may either be an occasional fun addition to the mix or a relationship- and ego- killer. We don't know in this particular case.

There are other ways to get the filled-up feeling: The angle of penetration, a dildo, a cock ring to help with blood flow, a butt plug, fisting. (I love the feeling of being fisted which is nothing like the feeling of penetration with even a really big penis. For one thing, the forearm is thicker. For another thing, penises don't have knuckles. But also, since the act isn't providing sexual stimulation for the man in itself, it's much easier for him to go at whatever pace I need, which, when you're talking about something so big, is kind of important to me.)

There is also the possibility that what the lw really wants is to open up the relationship to allow her access to other, bigger dicks on occasion (maybe with bf getting access to smaller vaginas).

She says they've been together for 5 years. She doesn't mention being unhappy otherwise. Maybe this is a big enough deal (pun intended) to be break-up worthy for her, but to all those who are advising her to dump him, I'm gob-smacked. Personally, I find meaningful connection to another person to be rare and elusive; I haven't had a boyfriend in two years, and I would love to be in a relationship. And while it is true that some men are dicks, a man I'm dating has to be more than a dick, big or not. He's got to be a person I like. Who likes me. With whom I have common interests and affection. With whom I laugh--and with whom I can cry if I need to. And with whom there is great sexual chemistry and a spirit of sexual playfulness and generosity. While it is great if all our kinks match up perfectly, as long as the majority of both people's needs are met, I think is important to look at the Big Relationship Picture. I also like a biggish penis (couldn't really stay with a guy who was below average), but as long as he was willing to be creative or had a forearm I would think it would fall under the category of "you can't always get everything you want from one person, you can't control the facts of your basic anatomy, and let's work out a compromise" rather than "so long, I'm going to go shopping at the dick store."
44
@41: Eh, I don't know. I think everyone's narrating what he says in the voice of Douchey McDouche because they WANT him to be that person. But if the exact same words came out of a person with the right sociocultural affiliations, they wouldn't blink (or at the very least would give him/her the benefit of the doubt). Plus there's an elitist/classist element to it too; not everyone lives in a Portlandia bubble where they're trained to meticulously craft everything they say to avoid the slightest whiff of [insert -ism here].

I mean, would it really be so different if he had said "I don't feel comfortable with the idea of you penetrating another woman with a strap-on, because it's a turn-off to think of you in that role, and vaginal penetration is something I want to be special and just for us"?

But at root it's the same damn thing. He didn't say "Don't you fuckin' dare do that dyke crap" or "Wha', you actually wanna be a MAN or somethin'?", and the only way you can assume a horrible heterosexist attitude is if you want one to be there.

If you reread the letter, it seems very simple to me: he doesn't want to do this stuff, and he's being a little passive-aggressive about it because he doesn't want to come right out and say "I'm not into kink, sorry."

(And frankly, I think the fact that most Savage Love readers tend to sympathize with women over men, by default, is influencing people's reactions -- I don't see women commenters calling a kink-refusing wife a "mental midget", somehow. No doubt I'll get someone calling me a "MRA advocate" for saying that, but I don't see how anyone can deny that this place, like most liberal sex-positive sites, tends to see women as more deserving of self-actualization than men.)
45
A woman can become more engorged in her vagina through manual and oral stimulation of clitoris, labia, entroitus and vaginal walls to the point that a smaller penis can feel very filling and give a great deal of sensation. Another way to go.
46
Put me in the camp of asking the bf to wear a dick sheath could put the relationship on life support as well. Whether you would want it to or not, it definitely conveys the message that 'you're just not big enough to satisfy me'. I'd recommend going w cock ring (perhaps w vibrating element at base) and see if that helps you at all. It may not get to the ideal size that you would like but should go toward that direction, and be less emasculating than the sheath route.
47
Asking for a cock sheath, no matter how obliquely, will only end badly. I suggest she gets a Gyneflex and tones her muscles up down there so they can crack walnuts. It will give her the same sensation as him having a huge dick.
48
Adz, you should register. A lot of people don't read comments from unregistered posters and yours are worth reading. So are Really Now's.
49
There's no need to get all hyperactive about CASD's boyfriend's word choice (though that's never stopped us here; I predict a long detour coming up). The two are straight-up sexually incompatible.
Plain and simple.

50
@44: Eh, I don't know. I think everyone's narrating what he says in the voice of Douchey McDouche because they WANT him to be that person. But if the exact same words came out of a person with the right sociocultural affiliations, they wouldn't blink (or at the very least would give him/her the benefit of the doubt). Plus there's an elitist/classist element to it too; not everyone lives in a Portlandia bubble where they're trained to meticulously craft everything they say to avoid the slightest whiff of [insert -ism here].

Yeah, like I said--I'm not a jury convicting him of anything, I'm just a guy who gets kind of a bad vibe off of it. It's not a "Burn the heretic!" reaction, it's a "this seems off" reaction. I think that's pretty much what's going on with everyone else too.

And frankly, I think the fact that most Savage Love readers tend to sympathize with women over men, by default, is influencing people's reactions -- I don't see women commenters calling a kink-refusing wife a "mental midget", somehow.

That is vastly, vastly less true of Savage Love readers than of basically anywhere else on the Internet. The outbreak of "violent victimization of men is hilarious, hurr hurr" we had a couple weeks ago was an exception not the norm. Give it a couple of days and I'm pretty sure you'll see plenty of people here coming down on non-ggg women just as much as they do the LW's boyfriend.

Also, register. I'm almost too lazy to click on stuff to read it.
51
@ 43: She says they've been together for 5 years. She doesn't mention being unhappy otherwise. Maybe this is a big enough deal (pun intended) to be break-up worthy for her, but to all those who are advising her to dump him, I'm gob-smacked. Personally, I find meaningful connection to another person to be rare and elusive...

The reason (to the extent that one even exists) they should break up is more clear from the boyfriend's perspective, not hers (this is the kind of mistake I assume Adz is pointing at). Doesn't he deserve a partner who is satisfied with his body the way it is? It seems a bit like trying to find a "nice" way to tell your 48-year-old wife that you love her, but you just need the feeling of fucking a 22-year-old swimsuit model sometimes--there aren't a lot of good outcomes to be had.

I don't know if there's an abbreviation (like "DTMFA") for "I don't think this one's going to work out."
52
2 49: Sorry for my serial posting, btw.

There's no need to get all hyperactive about CASD's boyfriend's word choice (though that's never stopped us here; I predict a long detour coming up). The two are straight-up sexually incompatible.
Plain and simple.


I hope I'm not coming across as being hyperactive about it--I don't see it as damning, just as one of those signs that makes me edgy, like seeing two Ayn Rand books on a new acquaintance's shelf. Maybe he was just doing research for a paper...
53
Okay I'll come out and say why I think the dick sheath idea sucks... in my experience, one does get "accustomed" to a certain size. No just using it now and then won't make her "accustomed" to the enhanced size, but if she starts going to town on it often, or using bigger dildos, she will. And then the lack of sensation issue will be even worse. Now I know 37 women are going to reply and say I'm insane and that never happened to THEIR pussy, but it happened to be, and my girlfriends (obviously, not ALL of us, but many) so... I'm just sayin'.... this could maybe make the problem worse.
54
@Eudamonic: Of course everyone deserves a partner who is satisfied with his/her body the way it is. But sometimes we don't *love* every single aspect of our partner's body or we want variety. I guess it's up to each of us individually to assess the relationship and the partner taken as a whole and decide whether that one aspect or the occasional desire for novelty is worth breaking up with that partner.
It's really hard to tell from SLAM's letter as written if she has been missing a bigger penis all 5 years or if this is a new thing. Has their sex life gotten boring and stale? Is he able to satisfy her in other ways? Is her letter a way of looking for permission to cheat or break up?

On the whole, I'm always wary when I see a lw who says she's 25 and has been in the relationship for 5 years. I'm inclined to think that she was too young to settle down permanently at 20 and that 25 is a good time for some experimentation. I am far more likely to think "break up and move on" than I would be if she were to say she's 40 and they've been together for 10 years. But on the other hand, I don't know how much this means to her, and I don't know what the rest of their relationship is like. And if she were 40 and had been with her average-endowed bf for 10 years, during which time she missed having a bigger penis every single time they had sex, I would possibly have a different take, too.

We don't know if SLAM wants a feeling of being more filled-up or a bf with big penis. These are different desires and can be satisfied through different means. Perhaps this is an occasional desire, but it is for the big dick, not the filled-up feeling; perhaps it is a constant desire, but it is for the filled-up feeling and it doesn't matter to SLAM if that feeling gets provided by a fist and a forearm. Maybe the bf would be fine incorporating something to satisfy that desire (big dildo, forearm, his own sheathed cock), and maybe not. Maybe he would enjoy doing it occasionally, but not every time. Maybe he would get into it when he sees how much she enjoys it. There are a lot of unknown variables here.

If SLAM’s bf’s body is incapable of making her happy a majority of the time, she should break up with him, look for someone whose body can make her happy, and let him look for someone who find his body as it is, thrilling.

But I think that none of us knows enough to counsel her to dump him.

The letter from CASD is another matter entirely. She’s very young. This appears to be a quickly entered into relationship, immediately following a freakishly young marriage. It’s only been one year, not 5. The boyfriend sounds insecure, but more than that, like a poor fit for her sexually. He is easily physically capable of giving her what she wants—unlike SLAM’s bf, who simply can’t grow a larger cock—but isn’t into the things she is into. She needs to take some time to date casually and learn more about herself at 22. This is a true DTMFA situation—although I don’t know he’s a real MF. Some people are judging him so, on the basis of a single quote taken out of context. It’s definitely a DTWrongPersonForYouA.
55
This is about a psychological issue for him as much as a physical issue for her. The things that women are insecure about in the way that men are insecure about penis size are weight and age. So here's my attempt at a gender-reversed letter:

"I'm 25 and my girlfriend and I have been monogamous for 5 years. She's of average weight. She's not fat enough for her to have dealt with the emotional baggage associated with 'being fat'. But I've had sex with model-attractive women, and I've heard there's a magical toy that will let me pretend that I'm fucking a model. (It would also greatly diminish sensation to her clit, but I'm not sure why I'm even mentioning something as unimportant as that.) But my girlfriend is a sensitive woman, and I feel like I'm going to permanently fuck up our sex life if I ask for this. How can I propose this without her feeling like I think she's too fat to be attractive? I can't think how to talk about this without hurting her ego. Advice?"
56
@Old Crow: I think your reversed letter was much closer to the real issue. And you hit on the essential selfishness that SLAM expresses.

I found her to be insensitive and callous, but my response still would not have been either to get a cock sheath or immediate DTMFA; the bf, on the other hand, might want to DTMFA HER.
57
@ nocutename: On the whole, I'm always wary when I see a lw who says she's 25 and has been in the relationship for 5 years.

Yeah. 25 is a little young to "sincerely love" anything. Old Crow makes my point better than I did, though: the person asking "How do I tell my partner that their body is irreversibly and uncontrollably inadequate and not have them take it to mean that I find their body inadequate" is not going to get a very good answer.
58
@57: '"How do I tell my partner that their body is irreversibly and uncontrollably inadequate and not have them take it to mean that I find their body inadequate"' Bingo!
59
@57, really? How old should one be then? 50? I'm pretty sure by 25 most people are already fully formed. If not, something is probably very wrong anyway.
60
@59: 32. Statements of feeling and belief made before this age are speculative and should be non-binding. It's a fact!

What, you think I'd joke about something like this?
61
All this hypersensitivity makes no sense. Is it really that hard for most of the guy readers to comprehend wanting something sometimes but thinking it'd be a bit much for general use? *eyeballs his more dramatic plugs*
62
Hey, "hypersensitivity" and "dramatic." Haven't seen those good old shaming tactics in a little while.

Going to say "queen" or "man up" or something? I hope so, because I've got a Bingo card to fill out.
63
CASD,

If your bf was afraid of losing you because you wanted to fuck another woman, looks like he was right. If he's as harsh dealing with the rest of the areas in your life together, DTMFA. 22 is a fine age to be experimenting with possibilities; have (safe) fun!

Having experienced the (me) average size in an extra large sized vagina, kegels won't do it. My gf at the time was rightly proud of her muscle control, and it still was... OK. Not that we didn't get where we needed to go, but it took all kinds of work compared to my "normal" partners (for me). I'm pretty confident in my run of the mill equipment, but if I was asked to wear a 2X expander, I'd be hurt. OTOH, a disembodied dildo seems less threatening. YMMV

Peace
65
@4: Never be surprised by the depths sexual repression can reach. I once knew a guy whose wife wanted him to fuck her in her ass, but he didn't want to because "that's what fags do." How's that for homophobic?!
66
If SLAM had added "occasionally" to "I would love to try one of those dick sheaths," then we could give her (or him, vennominon@42) reasonable advice, saying most guys would probably prefer a huge dildo as a fun extra treat -- there's an unnecessary element of humiliation in the request to use a dick sheath.

But since SLAM didn't add "occasionally," it does suggest overall dissatisfaction with his equipment, and maybe the element of humiliation is intentional. Some guys will like that. If this is a big deal to SLAM, I'd recommend asking him if some light humiliation play sounds like fun.
67
@66 edit: as a fun extra treat for their girlfriend
68
seandr@29: "This guy's hangup is more about "who has the penis" than about sexual promiscuity, mixed with a standard issue preference for monogamy and probably a dash of anxiety that she might abandon him for a woman."

Fair enough. But the disgust I sensed when he said the now-infamous "fucking another woman like a man" line was borne out in his rather sadistic practice of letting her share her kinks upfront and then judging her about them while really only feigning to indulge them. There's nothing wrong with him not being into his GF having sex with another person; there's nothing wrong with having limits on what kinks you will participate in. The problem is that not stating those limits upfront and allowing his GF to believe that he is capable of indulging her kinks (which she stated upfront with no comment or protest from him) when he will, in fact, reject her attempts at kinky play is cruelty, not just incompatibility. And whether it's slut-shaming, gender norming or simple anxiety at the root of it all, it manifests itself in a passive-aggressive hostility on his part- which is what I picked up on to begin with.
69
[@42, 64] LMB: League of Michigan Bicyclists? Lick my balls? Laboratory of Molecular Biology?
70
@ 65: I once knew a guy whose wife wanted him to fuck her in her ass, but he didn't want to because "that's what fags do." How's that for homophobic?!

Wow. That's a pretty good set-up, though. Anal sex with straight women? I better make a couple of calls; there are some gay people who need to know that they've been doing it entirely wrong!
71
@69: Laissez-moi barf. Vennominon vocab for the uninitiated.
72
Thanks lolo. I do enjoy him but somehow hadn't assimilated that.
73
I give SLAM the benefit of the doubt -- she's describing this as a kink, and to me that says 'fun sometimes' not Fix Your Dick It's Not Working. I'm going to operate on the assumption she wants variety, not a cock transplant, which makes sense to me. Variety is the spice, right?

That said, a big dildo seems like a much better option:
A. A really big dildo is a more obvious fantasy object completely separate from Average and Quite Nice Dick. "Fuck me with that giant cock!" doesn't sound as potentially ego-shattering when said cock is, you know, a tool in his hand, rather than a transformed superhero cock making his mildmannered cock look sad.
B. Many ways of playing with a dildo are going to give better control, which is important for not hurting her, after all, whereas a cock sheath means less fine control and almost no feedback for the penetrator.
C. Lack of feedback --> loss of erection, as I think that comic by the guest guy mentioned. Then no one is having fun. Dildos are fun even/especially between erections.
74
@73: I'm going to start saying the phrase "mild mannered cock" inappropriately and often. Thank you for brightening my day, Cat in fez.
75
All these men ripping into SLAM's desire for a little variety in terms of sensation/fullness better not have ever looked at porn that featured women who varied dramatically in any way from their girlfriends.

My partner is, in his own words, average sized. It's awesome, sex hardly ever hurts for me (I have vaginismus), I would never wish him to feel inadequate. However, sometimes I like feeling a little fuller, and yes that was a sensation I could get with my more well hung boyfriends in the past (I wouldn't trade that for all the constant extra prep sex with my exes required). Good thing is, my man isn't a giant cry-baby, he has empathy, and he himself is a bit of a size queen when it comes to his anal plugs, so instead of pitching a fit he is excited to use a big ol' dildo on me some nights (which provides no direct stimulation to his penis) and really gets off on seeing how much I enjoy myself. On the flipside, my man enjoys all these things I personally cannot provide him: anal sex with the woman as the penetrated partner, very well defined muscles, tits large enough to fuck, immaculately shaved pussies (well, I can provide that occaisionally, but I'm sorry I'm not up for that being a 24/7 thing) and lesbian sex. I don't feel inadequate when he then watches porn featuring these things, because we have great sex regardless and understand variety is the spice of life.

JFC people.
76
@30: She wants a bigger dick than he has available. In my counter example, he wants tighter twat than she has available. I mentioned loose and sloppy in order to make plain what the problem would be when reversing the genders -- particularly because there is no common tradition of measuring vaginal dimensions. SLAM may not have used those specific words, but her intent is 100% clear. She wants bigger.

"I wouldn't be insulted if my partner wanted me to do Kegels--which is the true equivalent of the dick sheath, both being the simplest solution to achieving the desired sensation, unless you know of some exercise LW1's boyfriend could do to make his dick bigger."

Nice try, but no. Doing Kegels is the true equivalent of an exercise to make his dick bigger -- a) because while increased muscle control can lead to some interesting sensations, it isn't going to alter the basic geometry all that much; and b) because when you've done the exercises, what's left is all you, no artificial extensions necessary. Asking him to put on a dick sheath is the exact equivalent of asking her to put in a twat sheath.
78
Dan's absolutely right on this one, CASD: dump the selfish, repressed prick. There are PLENTY of guys who would feel tremendously lucky to be with a girl into light BDSM and occasional MFF threesomes. Don't give up on a rich sex life just to hang on to a one-year relationship with a guy guilty of bait-and-switch.

And as for your ex-husband who called you a "freak," what an asshole! I hope your divorce lawyer fucked him over but good.
79
Theres an awesome version of a sheath thats only a half-sheath. It goes under the penis and is held on with two little loops. And it vibrates. And its awesome. Did i mention that its awesome? Oh yeah and one more thing. Its awesome!
80
@68: You've got it right, Lolorhone. CASD's boyfriend's use of the phrase "fucking another woman like a man" shows that he doesn't approve of women ever playing a dominant role. It's not just that he isn't into it. He doesn't want his girl to explore this side of her sexuality because it's a threat to his dominant role. He wants her to repress it to suit him. That's a lot worse than not being willing to do a particular act himself. He'd probably get angry if he found a bunch of strap-on porn on her computer.
81
Mr Rob! - I've been keeping my lunch down lately. My thanks to Mr Rhone for translating.

Mr Hunter - Gender-inclusive will serve as well as gender-neutral and I could have specified it instead of relying on it as an assumed adjunct when a difference might be present. But thank you for pointing out why full assimilation will never work. We'll be erased faster than Mr Savage can say Oral Comes Standard. For instance, the guest experts here have manifested themselves as complete, total and irreversible heterosexists who have something interesting to say to exclusive same-sexers only if those same-sexers are card-carrying and extremely active members of PFOS. Maybe they aren't complete, total and irreversible heterosexists (if I were forced to bet on one side or the other, I might be sufficiently swayed by Mr Savage's apparently good opinion of them to guess that they aren't), but they have said nothing to make me want to click their link.

My thanks to Ms Erica.
82
Ms Cute may be relieved that I would not quite put her idea of suitable Boyfriend Material on the same level as Mr Darcy's Accomplished Woman.
83
Oh and for all the people who are saying "find somebody with the perfect parts" i have one word for you: time. Bodies change. Ms. Perfect tits will get a little saggy, and Mr. Thundercock will have erection issues as they both get older. People gain and lose weight; they have babies; they get sick sometimes. Unless you think you are somehow entitled to trade in your partner for a younger/hotter model every five years (good luck with that), you might have a happier life learning to love the parts your does have. And shit, who thinks an extra inch of cock or slightly perkier tits are the most important things about their so-called loved ones, anyway? Bunch of schmucks.
84
@57: " their body is irreversibly and uncontrollably inadequate"

I would say that's a bit of an overstatement of the Letter Writer's attitude, based on what is actually there in print.

She didn't say sex with him is no good, just that she knows what big feels like, and would like it some amount of the time. (How much of the time being unspecified in the letter, with various people counseling that it had probably best be few and far between, and presented as a novelty.)

Still, I don't expect boyfriend to take it with perfect equanimity. I'm imagining him asking her to occasionally wear "the special bra" with the pockets for saline pad inserts, because she knows how much it gets him off to see and feel a shirt that is more fully .. (wait for it)... "full." Is she really going to mind not a bit what that implies about how truthful he is about his appreciation for her B-minus cup size? Not even a twinge of inadequacy? Be honest, now.

I also agree with those for whom a separate dildo comes across as more of a toy for them both to use on her, and less of a replacement for his actual dick.
85
@79 - Good thought. Wonder if a WeVibe or similar would be helpful as well - if you are looking for thickness rather than depth there are options.

If she wants both, big dildo and maybe fisting is the way to go.
86
@84, I wear those inserts, when it's a special night and I want my cleavage to pop -- makes my husband's eyes pop, and that's a fun thing for me to see. But if he insisted I wear them every time we have sex, that would be a whole 'nuther kettle of fish.
87
Here's a sheath of sorts, the visual of which has tipped me over the edge a couple of times recently. Probably best enjoyed in the imagination rather than IRL.
88
@87: That looks like...a lot of sharp edges.
89
Mr. Ven: Oh dear. Am I that unreasonable? To want to like someone?
90
@87 robi,

In so many ways that is just: Ow, ow, ow...

How is that so different from "Seven"?

Peace
91
@18 lolorhone: Thank you so much! I'm raising a glass or two of Cabernet Sauvignon tonight to celebrate!!
I figured going in 8 months ago, that if I didn't take care of myself, who would?
@22 avast2006: Thank you, too!! Being told I had Type II (Happy New Year!!?) in January was the main reason right there to improve my diet. It's been like living a newly health-conscientious version of "Scared Straight".
@24 Sea otter: Thanks! It's great to hear from you, too!
@73 Cat in fez & @74 lolorhone: I love it!!
@87 Robi: YIKES!!!!
92
@SilverChimera: I see no indication that she's currently miserable in bed with him

Nor is there anything in the letter to suggest that she's generally satisfied with his dick and just needs a bigger one every 6 months. All she says is that she's had big dicks in the past, she likes them, her boyfriend doesn't have a big dick, and it's enough of a problem that she's compelled to try and fix it.

Look - everything you are saying is perfectly sensible and reasonable, as is LW's interest in exploring sheathes as a solution to this problem. For most men, however, sense and reason are besides the point when the problem boils down to "Honey, I wish your normal sized dick was as big as my ex's."

I suppose that if guys with small dicks can learn to accept that a woman might need more then they have, it's possible her boyfriend can as well. But I think it's almost assured the relationship would go into a tailspin over this and unlikely that it would recover before hitting ground.
93
@lolorhone: letting her share her kinks upfront and then judging her about them while really only feigning to indulge them

Are we reading the same letter? I've read it a few times now, and all I find are various statements, some more evasive than others, that basically boil down to "Nah, I'm not into it."

Where do you see him judging her?

"Fucking another woman like a man" suggests his thinking around sex isn't especially evolved, and that he's rigid when it comes to gender roles. (Or, maybe he just really likes bottoms.)

As for his phrasing, have we really reached the point where associating penises (and penis proxies) with men is considered sexist? If so, well, uh, hmmm, it's a brave new world, isn't it?
94
@rob! Wow. That is mesmerizing.
95
@rob!: Kind of gorgeous, but probably not so comfortable for anyone on any end. I like the placement of the little ball the dragon is holding.
96
Ms Cute - That rather depends on one's requirements for liking people, doesn't it? After all, if I only said anything when I liked the letter writer, I'd be as silent as a Benedictine with only a forty-five minute period of recreation a day.

You modified it a bit at the end, but at the beginning your list just seemed to have the same sort of length as Miss Bingley's. She actually provided most of the requirements for the Accomplished Woman, presumably those which she conveniently happened to have mastered herself. Mr Darcy just added the extensive reading.

So consider it more or less a divided comment. You and Mr Darcy both have serious essential requirements, while Miss Bingley's pertain to the surface.

And remember, I didn't paraphrase Elizabeth's reply.
97
Mr. Ven: Seriously, here is what I said: " He's got to be a person I like. Who likes me. With whom I have common interests and affection. With whom I laugh--and with whom I can cry if I need to. And with whom there is great sexual chemistry and a spirit of sexual playfulness and generosity."

what part is too much?

What specific qualities did I mention?

I have to like him; he has to like me. We have to be able to laugh together, and I shouldn't feel that he needs me always to be unflappable. We need to have something to talk about and to be sexually compatible. Those are pretty general requirements. Would you settle for less?

I've seen women insist on specific post-graduate degrees, BMIs, hair-having. I know men who at 5'10" are considered "too short" to be boyfriend material.
98
@93: "As for his phrasing, have we really reached the point where associating penises (and penis proxies) with men is considered sexist?"

No. But I think this is the locus of some seriously fucked-up power issues (on the part of the LW's boyfriend).

"Are we reading the same letter? I've read it a few times now, and all I find are various statements, some more evasive than others, that basically boil down to 'Nah, I'm not into it.' Where do you see him judging her?"

It's actually worse than judging her. She had stated all these kinks beforehand. Logically, it makes no sense for her to proceed without his approval. Once she asks for specific things, he says that all the equipment and the time it would take to set up "kills the mood". She offers to set up everything herself, and he asks "what if someone sees"? When he does actually engage in kinky play with her, he half-asses it, indulging only her entry-level requests. He let her disclose her kinks, ask for what she wanted, set up equipment for what she wanted, and then barely dips a toe into the scenario before whining about the accoutrements, worrying about someone seeing the set-up (and tacitly chastising her for potential exhibitionism), shooting down the potential for outside sex partners not for the preservation of monogamy within the relationship (which would have been fine) but because strap-ons are too unlady-like (again a tacit strike against her "character" or at least her gender "propriety"), and thereby fully ruining any potential for satisfaction on her part. This seems like cruelty, or some kind of fucked-up game playing, or at least just being jerked around. Either way, not just "Nah, I'm not into it".
99
I am more than a little bit alarmed that any person, of any race or color or creed, is married at 16. Too young, and (mostly) too immature.
100
OhJoySexToy seems to be very invested in self-promotion, selling products, and advertising. A big turn-off! I don't think they should have been promoted here, a platform that reaches such a large audience.
101
Ms Cute - Nothing is wrong with your list of requirements. Nor do I think it wrong of Mr Darcy to require extensive reading in an accomplished woman. How serious he was about including all of Miss Bingley's list into his definition I've always considered open to interpretation.

Now, a little earlier in the discussion, you did mention that you considered mind-blowing sex to be at the baseline for a relationship, which might have given me the idea of your having standards in a style similar to that of Mr Darcy. Then just the length of your list reminded me of Miss Bingley's as she required mastery of singing, music, drawing, dancing, and the addition of a certain something in her tone, walk, etc. The two came together; it was not a serious commentary on the particulars you cited.

But I was really thinking about what would happen if I were to attempt your standards. I readily acknowledge that I have the least sexual experience of anybody here, at least in terms of number of encounters or partners. Now, to borrow somewhat from Juliet Stevenson's Mrs Elton (the best of the four, in my view), I might add that this rather surprises those of my friends who tell me I have a good quantity of natural assets. But if I were to explain that I had to like or be attracted to someone before having sex with him, then I can hear the entire chorus of everybody here saying that, if I actually have to like a sex partner, they are no longer surprised at my having had only _____ of them, but rather wonder that I'm not still a virgin.

If anything, I am pleased for you that you are able to uphold such standards. I admit to having had sex simply not to seem rude. It made me cramp.

If you remain unappeased, you also made me think of Mr Palmer canvassing against the election, and Mrs Palmer's account of how fatiguing it is for him, as he is forced to make everybody like him.
102
@ 84: I would say that's a bit of an overstatement of the Letter Writer's attitude, based on what is actually there in print.

I think we're saying more or less the same thing: Is she really going to mind not a bit what that implies about how truthful he is about his appreciation for her B-minus cup size? Not even a twinge of inadequacy?

However, I think the earlier analogy was better--she's looking for a way to tell him that he's inadequate in a way in which men tend to be highly insecure. I mean, I know what sex with a hot 19-year-old feels like, and would like to feel that way again; is there a way to ask my wife to help me with this that won't make her feel inadequate?

(We'll assume that by "my wife" I mean a generic hypothetical wife, not mine specifically.)

It still comes down to saying "Honey, you aren't 'enough' for me, in a way that it is culturally considered essential for a partner of your gender to be 'enough.'"
103
Mr. Ven: I think that my comment about mind-blowing sex came in the discussion of a SLLLOTD in which I talked about being in a situation wherein there was great non-sexual times as well as mind-blowingly-good sex and I was afraid to ask the gentlemen where I stood with him, fearing that to do so would make me seem pushy and needy and would therefore scare him off, all the while becoming more and more attached to someone who would ultimately tell me that he didn't see us together in the long run.

I don't establish mind-blowing sex as a baseline for attraction; rather, I see attraction as mandatory for mind-blowing sex or even for pretty good sex.

And unfortunately, I have had more than my share of sex with someone I either didn't like or wasn't all that attracted to. I wasn't talking of having random, one-off sexual encounters, or lukewarm, half-hearted, short-term, unenthusiastic dating relationships, but a sustainable relationship when I set as my baseline requirements that I need to like him, he needs to like me, and we need to be attracted to each other. As a woman (even a middle-aged, overweight one), it's pretty easy to get sex; it's much more difficult--for me, anyway--to meet someone I want to spend time with and who wants that back from me. As this point in my life, just getting sex alone is not my goal. I suspect that you have felt much the same way at least from time to time!
104
How do guys make italics here?
I am working on an oldish Macbook. Tutorial, please.