Columns Apr 23, 2014 at 4:00 am

Cams and Panties


It seems to me that Dan is being a little too optimistic about how soon doing gay, web-cam, sex work won't be harmful to your career. Have you heard of this place called "the south?" I'd recommend some kind of a mask or other disguise. Perhaps a fake mustache and mirrored sunglasses.
Excellent advice, top to bottom, especially about C-SPAN.
. . . Your son is living on his own, despite having the emotional maturity of a 14-year-old, AND *dependent* on pot, alcohol, AND nicotine just to have a "social life," and you're not worried about that??
@3: Yup. I love how the lw focuses on the camming as the problem.

As much as I love the answer to letter #2, I have to recommend this thing called "acting," sometimes known as "pretending." The lw and his/her fiancée can take turns pretending to be asleep. It's probably that much more fun that way, too, because the "sleeping" one gets to know that this fantasy is being played out.
This is all I got from the panty-selling chick's letter: "I should be selling my panties." I am completely lazy and just wearing panties sounds like a good effort-to-cash ratio--even with the cost of low-rent panties factored in. Must consult with financial planner.
Personally, I don't think that $100 is worth what the panty seller went through. If she's that risk-averse, no amount of safety checkpoints would ever make her feel ok. Her well-being and mental health are worth more than $50 a pop.

I have great tits and did a private strip show for a man who paid me $500 when I was 19- no touching or sex, but he jerked himself off. Nothing bad happened and I didn't lose any sleep or worry about him following me. The problem I had was that I had been naked in a hotel room with a guy who could have potentially hurt me. I knew I made a bad choice. That's why I never did it again.

The money just isn't worth your peace of mind, whether it's $50 or $500- but I feel like if you're gonna take the risk it ought to be for more than $50. For so little money she should just get a part-time, throwaway job doing something that she could actually put on her resume or that would at least give her some more job skills.

The cheap high of breaking the rules will fade pretty quickly and then all she will be left with is the fear that one of these creeps might track her down. Just not worth it.
Isn't the sleep-sex thing rooted in shame? Wouldn't it be better to work on that shame rather than trying to find a safe sleeping medication?
@3 revereche: Seconded! You beat me to it. I was wondering the same thing.
WORRIED's 19-going-on-14 college freshman son sounds like he'll be lucky to make it past Getting Wasted 101 his first academic semester (quarter?).

Golf usually puts me to sleep, too, unless I'm watching Caddyshack.
Yhhhnnnnnnn -n-n-n-n-n-NOONAN!
re @3, @4 nocutename: Okay---I was too slow. You also beat me to it.
I third @3 revereche's comment about LW1.

Dan, bless you and your awesome Mom, Judy! I know my beloved mother would say the same thing. Your mother and my mom are probably looking down at all of us and nodding right now.

3,4-- That was the first thing to hop into my mind too. If the boy's mother isn't aware that alcohol and cigarettes are impediments to a social life, then it gives me some idea of where some of that emotional immaturity comes from. I'm not saying that normal 19 year olds can't experiment safely and learn their limits with alcohol. (Cigarettes are more problematic. You can't exactly smoke responsibly.) But depending on it for a social life is not cool, and the opportunity cost is great. He should be out there stumbling at making friends.
At least the chemical crutches for social interaction don't have the potential to destroy his career; ask the president. Also, his mom is probably hoping they'll be temporary as his social skills improve. Though he should probably drop the tobacco and stick with the much safer marijuana.
I am exercising the greatest restraint to avoid responding in kind to the unspeakable slurs being presented against golf, which I played in the Gay Games, although sadly I only managed one birdie over three days.
@12 vennominon: I sincerely apologize if you found my comment @8 about golf putting me to sleep (it usually does) particularly insulting. It wasn't meant to be, and certainly wasn't aimed at you, personally (think instead of Mr & Mrs Havenkamp)! I actually find Caddyshack one of Rodney a.k.a. "Al Chzervek" Dangerfield's funniest movies, and if it's any comfort, I'm betting you'd kick my proverbial ass on the golf course any day.
I don't really see how getting in an Uber car prevents the creep from following her. Me, I'd take an innocuous picture of the two of us together (me and the buyer) and let the buyer see me send it to my significant other. Put together with the chain of emails, and the police would be able to find the creep if there's a break in at her place.
Re unconscious sex, my thoughts are to wait until your partner is sound asleep and then slowly, carefully start molesting them.

This depends on your partner being someone who doesn't mind waking up in the middle of sex and who falls back asleep easily. Me, I won't wake up very far (transcript: 'zzz, uh, huh? oh, uh, hi, zzz') and I'd soon be asleep again, especially if the motions are gentle rather than energetic. If I can get up and get the crying baby and nurse it back to sleep without really waking up (which I did many times), then I can let you molest me without really waking up.
LW1-I agree with 3,4,& 10. I would be more concerned with his cigarrette, alcohol, and drug use then the cam shows. A word of advice from a mother who has been there, if they admit to pot, then chances are they are doing more. I would keep a tight eye on his grades and if they are not up to an acceptable level then he comes home and goes to a local college until he gets an associate degree. As someone who was too young and sheltered when she went away to school, it is very easy to get overwhelmed and caught up in trying to buy friends then pay attention to your studies.

LW-2 If you really need to sleep I recommend reading the Internal Revenue Codes. I can hardly get through them myself and I'm a tax law accountant.

LW-3 My advice is simple. If you feel uncomfortable then don't do it. That is the same reason I'll lurk on dating sites but never meet anyone. I'm afraid that I'll go on a date and end up in 27 heafty bags along the Long Island Expressway.
The IRC is going too far. Just get instructions for filling out a 1040. Tax season is the worst.

Also, am I the only one that whoops and hollers at golf games on TV? Golf is a very interesting sport to watch,especially when the Ryder Cup is on. I feel offended *stomps foot*. For real though, the ones who fall asleep watching golf should give the Ryder Cup a chance or even go see a live Masters tourney.
With all due respect to WORRIED, if her son's intelligent enough that he can be let out of the house without a helmet it sounds like his 'emotional maturity problem' is that he's 19 and these days nobody that age has enough common sense to fill a bucket.

Also, he needs to get off my lawn. There, I said it.
What was it George Carlin said about watching golf on TV? Oh, yes: It's like watching flies fuck.
Ms Grizelda - I completely realize that, like any sporting endeavour, it is entirely a matter of FTWL... But, should the assembled company get too far out of line, I may choose to retaliate by giving all the details of various golfing exploits that, while I think they compare favourably to tales of skyboxes and the attendant sneering and upsucking, might make others long for the delights of root canal. As I said, I am showing restraint that people would commend if they knew its full extent.
Vennominon, My only experiance with pro golfing is the awful traffic here during the Bethpage Classic. If these people golf like they drive then golf must be an angry, aggressive, full contact sport in the style of MMA.
"After a lifetime of therapists, specialized education, and other interventions, he is now a freshman in college far from home."

There's the problem. The transition has been too quick. Lots of 19 year olds (most as MythicFox suggests?) aren't ready to make that jump from home to college so quickly. Lots of boys that age need a more protective structured environment to ease them into full adulthood and independence. There are colleges that boast that sort of supervised environment. WORRIED doesn't say if her son is in one of them.

I've been saying for years that at some point the internet will become so saturated with images that they'll lose their ability to shock. My position has been that everyone is naked under their clothes, and everyone engages in sex acts, and having dirty pictures online will become so commonplace that employers will shrug and take no notice. My friends call me naive. Their point is that it isn't the content of the pictures, it's the bad judgment that goes with putting them out there. I suppose I can see the distinction between being taken advantage of and being a willing participant, but for the most part, I'm with Dan on this one.
LW #1 needs to get the son more counseling or therapy while he's at college. As it is, She's throwing him to the wolves wo having given him a way to fight. I've seen many kids in this situation - particularly Aspie boys- it does not end well for them. If he's that immature he should not be in college or he should only be there w a lot of constant support.

Stop treating him like an adult if emotionally or developmentally he is still a young teen. Full stop.

LW#3 needs to learn how to take inconsistent, inconvenient routes home. She can't have both safety and ease of use. The risk of someone being a creeper may be low, but the cost if he is could be rape or murder. When evaluating risk, always weigh (1) likelihood of risk occurring, (2) magnitude of harm if risk occurs, (3) ability for you to mitigate the harm, (4) cost of mitigating the harm. $50 a pair would not be worth the magnitude of harm for me unless I could very easily mitigate the likelihood of risk to near zero bc the magnitude of the harm is too great. There are only two ways to do that - anonymous shipping or making your route too difficult to trace home.
@22 exactly! He shouldn't be in college yet!
Oh man, WHY would you send an emotionally immature 19 year old away to college? Isn't the local CC or U and living at home until he catches up a bit emotionally a better option? Man.
I agree w/25. Also, if the parents are paying for his tuition, room and board, and books, it seems to me he has an obligation to tell them, when they ask, how he's paying for other stuff he doesn't need (& that's hazardous to his health) like cigarettes & alcohol. So in addition to an obligation to listen, he also has an obligation to answer any of their questions. Otherwise they should threaten to withdraw their financial support. If he isn't taught the importance of give & take, he might remain 14 forever.
WORRIED doesn't say whether or not her son is still in therapy. She doesn't talk about conversations they've had about alcohol/nicotine/drugs. She gives the details about camming because that is what her question is about.

I don't think it's fair to assume that she's let her emotionally immature son loose on the world with no future guidance and no serious conversations about his behaviour. Maybe that's the case, but I prefer to think she's only sharing the information relevant to her question.

Just sayin'. Dan answered the question asked and didn't get fixated on other details unasked for. I'd say it's a solid response.
As someone who went away to University when my social age was probably about 14 (my chronological age wasn't 18 yet, either), I have a few thoughts:

I highly doubt young man (he's not a minor) wants to live with Mom. Now that he's had a taste of living away, it's going to be hard to stuff that genie back in the bottle.

Does Dad know? He's helping pay for this, after all.

Junior "NEEDS" pot, booze, and smokes for his social life? And WORRIED believes that? Seriously? Did he need those things to hold down his summer job, too? 'Cause staying employed takes social skills, and if you have the social skills to stay employed, you certainly don't "need" chemical crutches for a social life. Well, depends what sort of "social life" you want, I guess.
You're paying for your emotionally and socially 14 year old son, who just moved, to live a long way away from home where he smokes, drinks, does pot and sex cams for money?

I wouldn't want to disagree with Mrs. Savage, but
I'm WORRIED, the first LW, and yes, of course my son's drug and alcohol use are big issues for me, but those issues aren't really in Dan's wheelhouse, so it wasn't the thrust of my question.

Yes, I agree, he really should be living at home and going to the local college. But he says, "if I'm doing the hard part of college I want the fun part too." His grades are OK, and if he lived here he'd likely fall into isolation and inertia (with me trying to nag him out of it).

Thanks for your concern, though, and thank you Dan for your thoughtful, helpful answer. I will read that article right now.
I am now also obsessed with the idea that there is an entire level of middlemen (or women, of course) in the pantry-exchange transaction. Jobs for America!
@30 thanks for writing in, WORRIED!

@31 pantry-exchanges are a whole different part of Craigslist.
I like watching golf on TV. But I also like watching flies fuck.
It's a very bad idea to suggest AMBIEN, or at least without some major warnings to go with it. Ambien is basically the same thing as a benzodiazepine, and both can have very, very nasty neurological consequences. Taking an Ambien every once in a long while (such as for jet lag) isn't a problem, but if they're going to do it every time they want to have sleep sex, there could be some very significant health consequences.

Pretty much anything that can render you thoroughly unconscious, can also kill or harm you. If you're not a deep enough sleeper to do this au naturel, fake it.
LW#2 -

Have you ever thought of hypnosis? It can be done recreationally. You might want to check out, a British-based web site for recreational hypnotists and hypnotees but has many, many US members.
So I had a friends-with-benefits relationship with an attractive 30something woman who had a major alcoholism problem. I first went out with her a couple of times thinking we might start a romantic relationship -- but once I saw how seriously bad her drinking problem was I no longer viewed her a girlfriend material. Thing was she'd call me when she was really wasted and we'd hang out. I'd wind up pulling her breasts out and touching her everywhere. Usually I'd finish with her sucking me, sometimes as she'd fade in and out of awareness as all this occurred.

It was somewhat disgusted with myself for how much this aroused me and I usually felt guilty afterwards. We did remain friends however and I repeatedly urged her to get some help, to attend AA, to deal with it. She finally did get sober and I am hoping it lasts. She looked so great the last time I saw her, truly radiant.

She never calls me when she's not drunk!

Guess I'm going to hell.
@19 Allen Gilliam and @33 sandial: Okay. I'm not into watching flies fuck, so I'll just return to the comic misadventures of SNL veteran Bill Murray's Carl Speckler and Mr.Gopher.

@20 vennominon: Okay. Fair enough. But know that I'm really NOT making fun of YOUR love of golf or any other interest you have. As @17 SRK83 aptly pointed out, winning the Masters Championship in Augusta, Florida, is quite an accomplishment. Unfortunately (for ME, anyway), the film Caddyshack has permanently warped my view of golf (be it professional, recreational, snobby country-club, etc., etc.), the same way that Warner Bros. cartoons (think Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd) have permanently tainted my view of opera.

@22 Crinoline & @24 ABW: Agreed! I know I certainly wasn't adequately prepared for college back when I was 19. For me, it wasn't until after I got my sheltered little ass whipped into shape and self discipline from serving four years in the U.S. Navy, and later returned to school to finish what I started on my Montgomery G. I. Bill that I even tool my higher education seriously.
Earning my BA of Music at WWU seven years ago was more personally and professionally rewarding for me this time around, I think, because I have since developed more of an appreciation for a college education than I once did in my late teens and 20s.
re@39: DAMNIT! I meant......"finish what I started on my Montgomery G. I. Bill that I even TOOK my higher education seriously."
My keyboard needs a proofreader.
A few points about/to the panty-seller:

-Anyone could see you out in public and follow you home, anytime. I guess it's possible that a guy buying used panties might be more likely to be a creeper, but who knows? There are creepers anywhere.

-As others have said, using Uber doesn't address the problem at all, unless you're sure the buyer walked to the meet location and can't follow.

-What about anonymous shipping? There are plenty of ways to do that (and some useful how-to articles out there targeted to Silk Road sellers who are selling actually illegal things).

-Use paypal or other online payment service to collect payment - the small fees charged should be outweighed by not having to meet your buyers in person. There are how-to articles on making your payment address anonymous, even using your existing paypal account.
A few points about/to the panty-seller:

-Anyone could see you out in public and follow you home, anytime. I guess it's possible that a guy buying used panties might be more likely to be a creeper, but who knows? There are creepers anywhere.

-As others have said, using Uber doesn't address the problem at all, unless you're sure the buyer walked to the meet location and can't follow.

-What about anonymous shipping? There are plenty of ways to do that (and some useful how-to articles out there targeted to Silk Road sellers who are selling actually illegal things).

-Use paypal or other online payment service to collect payment - the small fees charged should be outweighed by not having to meet your buyers in person. There are how-to articles on making your payment address anonymous, even using your existing paypal account.
@14, Ericap, I doubt that used panty purchasers would be okay with the seller sending a selfie on the phone (sorry, alliteration unintentional). Then HE'D be the one dealing with paranoia. He has a right to anonymity, and isn't the customer always right? I would think he'd be less threatened, and she'd feel safer, if the BF were standing a few yards away, scowling.
If the kid's social skills aren't up to par, don't let him go to college? Are you serious? The kid has trouble talking to girls at parties without getting a little buzzed first. He isn't squatting in the middle of the quad and laying down a steaming deuce. You do know that education is necessary to get -- what are they called -- jobs?
Nice way to judge the mom, Crinoline. "Where the emotional immaturity comes from -" the LW tells Dan that her son has physical and social disabilities, as in, diagnosed. These cause immaturity. This mom is crossing her fingers and holding her breath that her son can do the age-appropriate and intellectually appropriate thing and go to college, despite his immaturity. Many parents of socially disabled kids do the same - light a candle and hope their child can find success by whatever means, because the cost of failure - maybe lying on the couch at home for a few years and feeling like a useless defective - is so high. The kid is 19 and the scary thing is that he can legally make his own choices. She's hoping his maturity catches up to him before his drinking and pot does.
@43 -- there are no panties in the photo, and no names. Assuming he used an anonymous email account, she can't identify him without help from the police.

The point of taking the photo is just to make the buyer aware that she would be able to identify him if a crime were committed.
But if 42 is right that you can use paypal without identifying yourself, then that's probably a good choice for the LW (who considered paypal but thought it would identify her).
Color me cynical, but the second letter put me on alert. Allow me to rewrite it the way I interpreted it:
"My fiancée and I have a lovely GGG relationship. Recently I discovered a fantasy of unconscious sex—basically, one of us (namely, her) would be unconscious while the other (meeeee!) would do whatever they like. My question is how we (okay, me again!) go about fulfilling this fantasy? Are there safe ways to put her to sleep?"
Ragging on golf out of the blue? Really, sometimes you're such a douche bag......
@46, Erica, the point is that someone snapping a picture of the panty-purchaser, panties included in the shot or not, would immediately make him paranoid. and possibly pissed, where a second ago, he was deliriously happy with his new used panties. What is her intent? To expose him on her website? Laugh at him with her besties? Alert the cops to a panty perv? It's the unknown that is unnerving, just as it is for her.

As for anonymity, the cops could find him through his craigslist address. Happens all the time. Usually in a murder case though.
@51, She could explain the procedure up front, and he only has to show up if he's willing to play along. When I was meeting strangers for sex, they let me verify their real identities before I left my house, because they knew it was reasonable for me to be wary. Who knew that professionals with a lot to lose would send me their identifying information, and not even request mine in return? But they did. In this case, she wouldn't be asking for a real name; just an innocuous photo.

My suggestion is designed to warn him off following her home (or, really, just to reassure her that he's warned off), not to get the police involved.
WORRIED, you're an idiot. Cut your son off. If he's spending his spare time getting stoned and drunk, and has to cam-whore to support his habits, your money is NOT buying an education.
Judy Savage: Catholic Mother Ninja Skills! We're all just glad she used her powers for good.
I think LW #3 just needs to shell out the money to do the panty exchanges over the sites on the internet if she really wants to be safe. The game isn't worth the candle if she has to spend an hour taking an involved route home to throw off any potential pursuers; she'll burn up half the $50 in gas money and/or cab fare.

I highly doubt that the guys buying her used panties are going to let her take their pictures, as someone upthread suggested (@52, this is totally different from meeting strangers for sex, where there's genuine "stranger danger;" in this situation, by wanting to do this on the cheap, the LW is creating a stranger danger situation where there doesn't need to be one, as there's no genuine need for the two parties in a panty transaction ever to meet in person). She needs to use the Internet and stop meeting her customers face-to-face. Also, from a practical point of view, I think her sales will increase if her buyers can maintain their anonymity.
I have a kid with immaturity issues from depression (traumatic loss, too) then diagnosed with bipolar who became super aggressive. The last 2 years have finally been good because he found the right meds and doctor combo.
That being said, and I'm being honest here, I can understand why the dope smoking boy is away at college. Let the glowering begin but the fact that your kid will move out one day is what gets you through sometimes. Having him out of the house is my secret dream. Soon. 19 weeks.
He's been difficult for 18 years. However, I'm sending an LGBT activist, liberal, anti-drug (a friend OD'd) kid on good meds out there, not too far away.
I didn't promise to be a mother to a healthy child for my whole lifetime OR his, handicapped children require different commitments at times - I get it, just a solid 18 years and some change. He needs to take responsibility for his life or else it won't be his life.
BUT, if I found he was smoking and drinking and running out of the cash that I certainly would not have supplied him with, then his continued freedom would need to be discussed. Camming? No effing way. It's prostitution and an immature kid can't handle the repercussions of that - never mind the chance of an offer of an in-person meetup for a much higher sum.

Ambien is not a benzodiazepine, 'basically' or 'actually'. It's an imidazopyridine. It binds to GABA receptors at the same spot as benzos, but it's not in the same class of compounds and the risks differ substantially. Dan was hardly advising them to break out the Versed and succinylcholine. They'll have to talk to their MD to get an Rx anyway--that's the time and place to explore the risks versus the benefits.
@48, I think you are indeed being a bit cynical. I'm a woman who's really turned on by the idea of having sex while I'm unconscious. It's weird, I know, but we do exist!
The point I was trying to make before is that I'm not sure I've ever met a 19-year old who was any more fundamentally mature than a 14-year old, disabilities or no.

But then, I spend a lot of time in a town with a party school. So my dataset is mostly based on watching these people spending most of their day talking about getting drunk and/or getting laid, and then going out in the evenings and drinking themselves into Forrest Gump levels of coherence and staggering through the streets like it's Mardi Gras. There are police present in the bar/club areas of town, but it's mostly to protect the food trucks and make sure nothing gets set on fire.

Honestly, the city would be a lot nicer if a bunch of these people were staying in and camwhoring on the weekends.
WORRIED, I understand why you glossed over the smoking, drugs, and alcohol as it wasn't entirely related to the crux of your question: Is "camming" safe?

But it is ENTIRELY related to the fact the your son IS "camming" - which, let's just be honest, is just a euphemism for doing porn which is a form of prostitution. It goes in the same category as smoking, alcohol, and drug use (two of which are illegal at his age if you're in the States). It's the Really Terrible Decisions category. He's checking an awful lot of boxes. Personally, I would take issue with my child doing any of those things because they lead to more bad decisions. But even at the emotionally immature age of 19, a decent percentage of kids will know how I be responsible, how to have their fun and not let it effect their day to day life too much.

But an emotional 14 year old? He is going to get sucked in to a very dangerous place if he hasn't already. All of these things will effect him terribly in his time at college and in his adult life. One thing he's learned is that he can make easy money without working for it by selling his body. So far he's had a summer "kid's" job? Why would he ever go back to that type of thing - or any real work - if he thinks this is an acceptable way to make an easy living? THAT'S what he's learning at college. Obviously, you know your situation far more than we so, but if ANY child immediately took up all these vices and "needed" them, I think any psychologist would tell you they weren't ready to be living that far away from home.

I agree with Dan's suggested approach. Whether or not that works for you depends on your son and parenting style and what has proven successful in the past. Yes, he's an "adult". He can vote and join the army. But he's still a kid. All 19 year olds are. As long as you're supporting him (you're paying his rent, that means he's living under your roof) you have every right to comment on his choices. You can kick him out (or cut him off in this case) if he refuses to comply. I'm not saying you should! But the "legal adult" age is given more weight than it merits. Remember that.

I also have to say I disagree with Dan's take on the future of digital images. Yes, they are becoming very common, but that doesn't take away what they signify to an employer - poor decision making and questionable morals. If I had two candidates equally qualified but I'd found college porn videos of one, I'd hire the other, no question. For all his intelligence, I think your son may have a hard enough time finding a good job with poor social skills. This will make it even harder.
Glad to see I'm not the only one who had thoughts about the kid with the emotional age of 14 being so far from home right now.

One thing I've been thinking - how real is this? Is this an actual disability he has, or is this a mom going "Oh, my boy seems such a child still"?

When my kids left home for school - not "far away" but a two hour drive - I had an underlying worry that they weren't really emotionally ready for the wide world, but that was just my "mom protector" talking. They were actually fine. My son, however, has an actual diagnosed physical disability, and it was not "mom protector" who made sure he had the appropriate supports while away at school. There's a difference.

Just as I did not send my legally blind son off to school without his white cane, access to large print books, contacts with the school's Students with Disabilities office, contacts with the Canadian National Institute for the Blind, and so on, this mom should not have sent her kid off without some kind of support for his disabilities.
LW 3 - I buy and sell things using Paypal, and while Paypal has my info, the people I'm doing business with don't. It's not free but it's damned cheap - just consider this a cost of doing business and stop being so silly.
I think the people saying the mother shouldn't have sent her son off to college until he was more mature have a weird feeling about what makes you mature. The best way to grow up is to be in situations where you have to make your own decisions. Maybe he's making some crappy ones; most of us do (and drinking and drugs in college is hardly an unusual one). Most of us also learn from them and grow up after a while. Staying at home and being coddled seems to me an unlikely way to get better. I think the mom is behaving exactly correctly: keeping communication open, trying to get information, and not butting in so much as to hurt their relationship.
"Don't play fast and loose with the math."

Great column. Without respecting the basic rules, math and romance are both pretty meaningless. I can only wish the principles of consent, respectful negotiation, risk awareness and mutual satisfaction were emphasized as much as factoring polynomials.
WORRIED/LW#1 - My best friend's sister has similar developmental issues. My friend and her family, for some odd reason, seem to ignore this fact and have treated her like she has the emotional intelligence of someone her age (18) when it's more like an 11 or 12 year old. They sent her off to a 4-year school where she immediately started failing out, was highly susceptible to peer pressure and started drinking and doing drugs, and, unbeknownst to her family until they got a call from a hospital 200 miles away that she was dropped off at after getting high and freaking out, was driving all around the state to hook up with people she met on Craigslist.

Understand that your child has developmental needs; don't sweep it under the rug. He needs help adjusting to living on his own, and you can't rely on him to just figure it out. The cam show stuff is "safe", but what if he gets propositioned by one of the viewers to make a personal appearance? Do you trust he has the maturity to react to that request appropriately?
@62: Yes, exactly. What is the per-transaction cost for PayPal, and surely it can be factored into the selling price? Likewise shipping and handling are routinely tacked on to the charge, so it's not like you are paying out of pocket for this. These days the Post Office even supplies the packaging as part of the shipping charge.
Golf, Dan? Shame one you!
@67 Big Ted: *sigh* Please refer to my comment @39 (to vennominon).

My childhood was almost completely influenced by Warner Brothers cartoons and equally zany comedians, in addition to music, art, classic VWs, cats, and nature. I am truly a what's-up-doc-ultra-maroon.
Sorry, Dan, but WORRIED's son doesn't fall under the umbrella of your late mom's advice from the first sentence, namely, "You're an adult, and I can't tell you what to do." The reason it worked for all of you was because you WERE adults ... and you respected and listened to your mom).

Yes, WORRIED's son may be an adult chronologically, but he's nowhere near it emotionally. What has life away from home taught him so far: that he can goof off without supervision, blow through his parents' money for his social lubricants (booze and drugs) that don't actually teach him HOW to relate to other human beings his own age and, finally, trade on his youth to get money via camming. Gee, isn't that just terrific, knowing that he can get people to send him money that easily?

What further lesson has that taught him? Well, that both HE and sex are commodities while the awkward process of getting to know whether he's compatible with another person is unnecessary. That's not relevant only to his social/personal sex life; it'll be vital for his future in the working world.

I am no prude, not even when it comes to sex work, but IMO that's something that requires adult reasoning. And a bit of responsible caution. WORRIED's son lacks both.

In any case, I get the feeling that he'll crash into the ugly truth at the end of the school year, when his grades have tanked because he was either doped up a lot ... or camming to pay for more of the same i/o studying and sleeping. I can only hope he comes crawling home, rather than continue trying to make it on his own (as his delusions will inform him).
Alcoholism is a PRIMARY condition. Not a 'coping mechanism' or a 'phase.'

The Kamwhore Kid, might 'just' be drinking and using recklessly, plenty of teenagers do. But people have to grow the fuck up around the booze issue.

I have this suspicions that the staff of Jezebel doesn't include a single woman who has had sex while conscious and unimpaired. Not normal in the real world, and not good either.
@61: certainly, but the trouble with most university centers for students with disabilities is that they cater primarily to students with physical disabilities, visual impairment, hearing impairment which (all due respect to your son) represent a small percentage of students who receive special ed in k-12. very few universities are set up to provide for students with intellectual disabilities/autism spectrum/behavioral disabilities/etc. by and large, once you leave high school the support system just isn't there and an unfortunate amount of these students DO turn to self-medication.
@70: Wow. That comment about Jezebel--just wow. It wasn't even terribly related as an analogy except by your own personal reaction to it. Since the connection was likely to make sense to no one else on the planet, I can only assume you couldn't resist airing your blatant sexism on a public forum. Allow me to explain my interpretation; I concede it's possible I missed something here.

As you chose Jezebel over other women's-magazine-type media, I assume you were specifically poking fun at those with slightly more feminist leanings than is considered the norm for the genre. Then you express your dismay over how you think these writers have only had crappy, rape-y sex, as if that's what caused them to be drawn to Jezebel. So basically you're just reviving the old "A good fuck will cure any feminist" idea that ought to be long-dead by now. That's how this came across to me, and I'm offended.
Cripes, people. Of course the mom knows cigs and booze are bad. How do you know she's not worried about it? Maybe she knows there's nothing she can do to stop her ADULT kid from using it and is now focusing on something that maybe she can get him to stop. You want maybe she should have her kid committed because ... he's drinking and smoking at college?
Wait, wait what you're telling me is that your 19 year old is a freshman in college, in his first year away from home, and he's drinking & smoking pot with his friends while experimenting and expressing himself sexually in ways you disapprove of?

It doesn't sound like he has the emotionally maturity of a 14 year old, it sounds like he's a ***19 YEAR OLD GUY***. I don't know what YOU did in college, but I promise you that this very morning thousands of early-20-somethings will wake up hungover as hell and hating their life, stumbling into class in their pajamas. Maybe the reason he needed therapy growing up was because he had a mother who made him feel bad about himself for acting like a normal kid.
Wait, wait wait, Mrs. basically what you're telling me is that your 19 year old is a freshman in college, in his first year away from home, and he's blowing money, drinking & smoking pot with his friends while experimenting and expressing himself sexually in ways you disapprove of?

It doesn't sound like he has the emotionally maturity of a 14 year old, it sounds like he's a ***19 YEAR OLD GUY***. I don't know what YOU did in college, but I promise you that this very morning thousands of early-20-somethings will wake up hungover as hell and hating their life, stumbling into class in their pajamas. Maybe the reason he needed therapy growing up was because he had a mother who made him feel bad about himself for acting like a normal kid.
I am LOL Auntie! YOu described a huge chunk of my childhood and I feel much less alone in the world today! As for Judy (bless her) I must share my alcoholic Mothers advice to me at 18 she delivered this in our living room at Full voice before stomping away ina cloud of Tareyton smoke:
"T.. I don't care about the Sex,...But watch the damn Booze!"
@1: It would require that the person admit that they were on the daddieschat service to begin with.
@76 sb53: And I'm equally glad to share your company.
Wascally "ultra maroons" like us have gotta stick together
(I think that's why I tend to scare men off so routinely)!

Grizwatch update: I will be going back to my gynecologist next month to see her about addressing the possibility of my having endometriosis, but the overall results of my uterine ablation from March 18th are otherwise successful, and a blessed relief!
@78 re @76 sb53;.....unless you're male...?
Auntie Griz @ 39 - youth is wasted on the young, isn't it?
@79 Auntie
Yes, I am of the weaker male sex.
A slice of my life:

When someone makes a mess at home I immediately say in my Yosemite Sam voice:
"Aww whose A makin' footy-prints all over mah desert?" ;-)
@80 Still Thinking: I know, huh?
I can't eat Cocoa Puffs anymore, especially now that I know what's in 'em, but I can still watch cartoons on DVD...and read MAD magazine!

@81 sb53: Being male doesn't automatically make you weaker.
I DO seem to regularly scare (piss?) guys off for being too much of a "long-haired galoot", though.

Aww, rats! After seeing an excellent local performance of A Midsummer Night's Dream, I can't get "What's Opera, Doc?" out of my head, now!

'Ohhh, Bwoon-hilde, you're so wuv-wy...."
"Yes, I KNOW eet, I can't HELP eet!..."
"Ohhh, Bwoon-hilde, be my WUV...."

Did I also mention being a hopeless mimic? Bugs Bunny look out!
@72- Jezebel feminism = beyonce feminism = part of the branding matrix = phoney jive
@80 & @81: THAT"S it!! What if we could all be born old, like Brad Pitt's film character, Benjamin Button, and then progress younger and younger later in life? *sigh* Oh well. This crazy girl can dream.

'Come along, K-9, it's time to load the P32 Explosive Space Modulator....
..!?!?!?! That fiend has stolen the Space Modulator!! Delays, delays....!'
@85 Sam with both revolvers out pointed at Bugs:...
"Ah done Paid my four bits ta see ya dive rabbit, and Ahm a gonna see ya dive!"
As we could use a change of tone, I shall yield to temptation at last and mention the unusual thing about my only eagle on a par 4, which is that both shots were hit with a 1-iron, which, when I played 72 holes a week, I could hit better than a wood. The hole was playing at about 375 yards, along a straight but relatively narrow fairway with trees on both sides and no elevation. The left side of the green was guarded by a big bunker (through which one could occasionally run the ball), but the right side had a bit of a lane one could use for a running shot that would go onto the green or leave a usually tolerable chip. The green was a long oval, with the pin almost all the way in the back. My tee shot was a little short, but in the five yard range on the right side of the fairway to allow a running shot, so that I stayed with the 1-iron, which I was just pleased to hit well enough to have confidence it would reach the green. By chance the ball had enough left on it when it got to the green to roll like a putt for those last 80-90 feet. While I often have difficulty following the path of my ball (a major reason for playing with pink golf balls; not only did I lose them in the middle of the fairway less often than white golf balls, but I was known for being the only regular who used pink balls, so that people who found one would often return it to me), this one I saw quite clearly go all the way up the green and into the hole, which made it all the better.
@86 sb53: Neeeeeeeeeeyah, okay, doc. Ya talked me into it....
One fer the money, two fer the show, three to get ready, and four to,,,GO!
(this is where Yosemite Sam falls down and goes splash--again! haha).

@87 vennominon: From what I have read in depth, you honestly WOULD kick my ass on the golf course any day. More power to you.
Did I mention being a hopeless long-haired galoot?
What is the risk of a creeper following PANTIES home vs. the risk of her taking a car--or crossing a street--on the way home?
Re LW1: Wow people, judgemental much? The mom has spent the last 19 years working harder than most parents ever have to work (and if you're a parent, you know that's saying something), to give her neuro-atypical son the life skills for adulthood. She has only partially succeeded, and now it is largely out of her hands.

She knows better than most of you how the booze, smoking, and poor financial judgement may impact his life. She has an army of therapists, psychologists, and school counselors to help with those issues.

The sex-cam thing is something new for her, and something that the snarky sex columnist might actually be able to help her with.

LadyL, if you're still reading, sorry you had to deal with those comments.
@30 LadyL a.k.a. WORRIED: I hope it all works out for you and your son in college. I'm not a parent, myself, so I have no advice to offer you. All I can share is my own personal experience when I was 19, and that was that I was not ready for college yet. But I'm neither you, nor your son.
You both need to do what works best for you.

All the best,
:) griz
Really, though---I was laughing about Caddyshack and Bugs Bunny dressed as an opera diva, not directly at LadyL or her 19 year old son.

Hello? sb53? Vennominon? EricaP? nocutename? Anybody?

@93 Most of the usual suspects know you were not laughing at Lady L. and son, dear.
As to my absence:
I was blessed by lots of folks buying spex this past week so I fell off the radar, did not mean to ignore our thread.
I LOVED your Opera quote Griz!
Now, Back to Fearless Freep: When Bugs hangs by his toenails under the diving board and yells the word SPLASH! Sam looks down and says:..
"Wahl all be! the Rabbit went and done it!" Then Sam falls off and, while falling, his whiskers trail upward and flap in the wind, that always cracks me up! ;-)
@94 sb53 So wuvwy to hear from you again!

In honor of Cinco de Mayo approaching, how about this excerpt from The Rabbit of Seville:

"WHAT---would you want with a "WABBIT"?
CAN" see that I'm much sweeter?
IIIIIIIIII'M.....your little SEN-YER-EET-ER!
YOOOOOUUU..aremykinda GUY!
Let me straighten your TIE,
and I shall dance for you!"
(Scissors ready--haha!)

Gotta love Mel Blanc and Chuck Jones!
:) Griz
Oh, shit--now I'm morphing into Speedy Gonzales!

Andale, andale, eppa, eppa, eppa, YEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
LW: 2 ZZZ - Some allergy medication isn't non-drowsy. I know that if I take one it knocks me out cold. You can get it over the counter, it's not addictive, and it's totally safe. I'm not sure how effective at keeping you out cold with someone trying to sex up the other person, but it's worth a try...
@48 - Re-read the letter - it says "Both of us are interested in both roles." So, the LW (who could be a man, woman, or something else) states that they plan to take turns
In Canada, it is absolutely illegal to have sexual relations with someone who is unconscious - consent must exist during any sexual act and an unconscious person cannot consent - even when they supposedly consented to "any and all" sex acts with a specific person after they were unconscious.

I'm not an expert in State law, but one must always be careful about sexual practices that cross the line.
As far as the panty selling thing goes, have the boyfriend do the exchange.

Please wait...

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