Savage Love

Quick and Dirty

Comments

1
I've always used "they" as my default pronoun unless I'm speaking about a specific person by name.

So for example if someone says to me "my partner is going to the mall" I'd say "I hope they have a good time"

Not "I hope they has a good time" (what?)

I'll admit it's a lot harder to use when you're referring to a specific person with a known gender but if someone wanted me to do it for them I'd get over it. People complain about using the singular 'they' but you really wanna come and tell me 'he/she' or 's/he' is better? Especially when speaking??
2
Dan, you are just going to let "little brown prince" pass with just an "erm?" Not that I'm saying it's the only weird thing about NOT's letter, but that was like the red flag icing on top of a gigantic red flag sundae. I don't know if NOT's LBP was born in the good old US of A, but maybe being exoticized as some sort of Asian/Brown other might have something to do with LBP's once a decade sexual performance.
3
Can all you boring, boring language prescriptivists / pedants please educate yourselves about what language is? And specifically what the English language has been for a long, long time?

http://www.amazon.com/Origins-Specious-M…
4
NEWBY – I recommend AFF (Adult Friend Finder) if you're not looking for a relationship but want to be able to find someone to screw right now. There's a monthly fee, so the people on there aren't playing games. It’s also a good place to find a "bull," if you're looking for a regular partner for your cuckold adventures. Though you could probably do that on OkCupid for free.

For the grammar disciplinarian, I suggest thinking of "they" like "you," which takes the same verb form whether singular or plural.

PORN, as men age, sometimes their erection wilts during sexual fun. Then it's your job to get it going again, by talking dirty and stroking him or learning new blow job techniques, or whatever. Did you generally make a serious effort to help him get hard again, or did you assume that was his job?
5
Ugh. I'm all for respecting people, but there comes a point where being so politically correct becomes impractical and ridiculous. If it isn't obvious what they are, commit to the apparent and apologize as needed. It's not a crime to be mistaken about something, nor is it insensitive. If someone has a fit because you called "them" a "s/he", they're the one who needs a lesson in sensitivity and understanding.

And FTR, the singular "they" is still used the same way.

P1: My friend Chris is going to the mall.
P2: I hope they have a nice time. Will you be going with them? I will finish their fries.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Singular_th…
6
What could possibly be going on in Nine Outta Ten's relationship other than a younger man using an older man for money? Honestly, I'm asking. That's the only explanation (and maybe the most obvious option) I can think of. You've been together 10 years and only had sex once 10 years ago? That's b-a-n-a-n-a-s.

Nine Outta Ten - please don't settle for this. Being single and dating occasionally is better than what your room mate is offering. But I bet this room mate doesn't pay rent right? Hold out for a man who can't live without your bone. You deserve it!
7
Blame the victim much, #4?

First, she said didn't divorce her husband for his clueless porn in the middle of intercourse which happened ONCE. ONLY ONE occasion where her husband got soft and required porn is more indicative of wife probably fulfilling her marital duties just fine, than those imaginary sins you've dreamed up for her.

So you're JAQing off is just that: JUST ASKING A LOADED QUESTION full of unjustified judgement and blame.

On another note: If you want to go genderless when describing someone how about "My friend" or "my husband" or "lover" "colleague" "roommate" "professor" "boss" or whatever reality applies.

You've created a problem that doesn't exist in English, which sports numerous non-gender oriented terms with which to describe people.
8
NINE OUT OF TEN may be one of those people who prefers an imaginary "relationship" to one in which there's regular, actual sexual contact.

As long as he can fantasize about one day again having his (ugh! description) "little brown prince," he doesn't need the messy stuff of real life.

He wanted Dan to support his fantasy life, that's all.
9
Am I the only one who uses Z/ze/zie/zee? (I have no idea how to spell it, so many variations, haha.)?

It has completely displaced my boyfriend and I's "That's what she said" jokes.

"This burger is huge! I don't think I can get it in my mouth."
"That's what ze said!"
10
Ugh, typo. Also wanted to add that I tend to use "they" in the singular naturally. Doesn't feel forced at all to me.
11
@7 what is PORN a victim of?

Instead of showing compassion for his performance anxiety, she made it all about her own anxiety, claiming he was yelling with a bullhorn that she wasn't sexy. How is that a reasonable interpretation of your partner seeking help restarting his erection and then coming back to have sex with her? ("he watched porn until he got it up again")
12
Ah; an uncircumcised man. Never been with an uncircumcised man..
13
I use a variety of gender-neutral words, but never the singular "they". I used it once forty years ago, was publicly humiliated for it, and would have an easier time trying to force myself to write a serious romance novel.
*****
Mr Savage is free to use LMB, a response it would seem that most of us have to the "LBP".
14
Again with the letters, Mr Venn.. Maybe in brackets? I will buy a note book and start my own glossary.
15
The rules of agreement are more complicated (and more permissive) than GGG thinks. The sentence

"Everyone dispersed when they heard gunshots."

is unquestionably grammatical and yet it has 'they' as the pronoun for a subject that takes a singular verb (i.e. you say "Everyone loves ice cream", not "Everyone love ice cream").

(This example is from Geoff Pullum and Arnold Zwicky: http://languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu/nll/?p=….)

I'm not sure why some people are so resistant to the idea that some of the theories they've been taught about grammar just aren't true.
16
Regarding premature ejaculation:

1) Knock one out 20-30 minutes before you have sex. Make sure you use a condom when you do have sex.

2) Buy extra-thick condoms...and actually use them.

3) Have sex every day. You'll be less stressed and horny, and should take longer to come.

4) Use your fingers and mouth more, making it last longer for her.
17
UNCUT could also go to a regular doctor who can try less drastic things than circumcision, like an off-label prescription of an SSRI antidepressant if the doctor thinks it's suitable.
18
@EricaP There was no mention of "performance anxiety" anywhere in PORN's letter. He just "felt himself" flagging and got up to watch some porn. (We have no idea whether he was actually flagging or not, btw. Flagging might have been imminent but not yet visible). There were hundreds of things he could have done in that moment - gone down on her, asked for a blow job, explained what was going on, watched porn WITH her, etc., but he chose to get up in the middle of sex and do something that specifically didn't include her. That's insensitive. It's really beside the point if she was being compassionate or not. Her erroneous behavior, if there was any, doesn't excuse his.
19
I suppose the ignorat grammarian must also think that French's "vous" is plural (when in fact it's sometimes singular-formal), and that "usted" is third-person (when in fact it's *always* singular-formal).

Perhaps he should also be upset by the fact that "you" is a 2nd-plural (or 2nd-singular-formal) pronoun, just like "vous". The "correct" 2nd-singular is "thou"... or at least used to be, a few hundred years back.

"They" has been a (semantically) singular pronoun in English for as long as anything like modern English has existed. It just happens to also take plural verb case. Get over it.
20
Thanks again, Dan, for another excellent column this week.
I love Joe Newton's "Jessica Rabbit"!
21
I got kicked out of a fetlife transgender group because they didn't like my (very) personal pronoun "zou" (pronounced 'you'). Seems you're only allowed to play with pronouns if you self-declare some sort of transgenderism. fukkin fascists.
22
Uncut - frequency might help. I am premature much more often when I haven't had enough sex lately. (Masturbation doesn't work as well.) You could a girlfriend to work with you on sex every day for a while, and see if that makes any difference.
23
@EricaP: what is PORN a victim of?

She's the victim of impotence, a common ploy used by men to lower women's self esteem.
24
@LavaGirl: Never been with an uncircumcised man

Uncircumcised men are totally different than circumcised men. They're almost like a 3rd sex.

Pro tip - To get an uncircumcised man hard, take his foreskin between your thumb and index finger and simultaneously pinch and twist. Rotate your wrist, not your elbow (common rookie mistake).
25
Oh thanks Seandr; great advice- you smartarse.
26
Hopefully, Seandr.. As I undertake my study of porn created by women; I'll get to see an uncircumcised man, slowly become erect..


27
PORN, could very well be a victim of a man who shows all the signs, of being rude. Sounds like a real charmer.
28
@6 no kidding. Older gay men aren't used to the idea of marriage, and so don't seem to be wary of possible pitfalls. I ain't saying he's a gold digger, but if NOT is stupid enough to marry that guy, in six months he will be one boyfriend and half his money short. Although that might be the best outcome--at least then NOT could get some actual tail and learn a valuable lesson.

If that's what he wants. Despite saying how horny he is, no horny man would put up with once in ten years sex. Maybe he should determine whether his kink is actually voyeurism. If so, his exhibitionist boyfriend is a good fit. But get a pre-nup!
29
Note that GGG says that the sentence is confusing. Refusing to use they as a gender neutral singular pronoun because it doesn't follow old rules of grammar is annoying. Refusing to acknowledge that language changes and that usage is the best best arbiter of proper is annoying. But so is introducing new and confusing vocabulary and grammar quirks that no one understands! If zie as a pronoun catches on, fine, but it hasn't, and in the mean time, it takes decoding to figure out what the hell the zie-user is talking about. That's problematic in writing, grounds for assault in speech. Or rather, grounds for stopping and asking for an explanation/translation EVERY SINGLE TIME until the zie-user gives up and quits. I just skip over posts that make too liberal use of zie and hir just as I skip over posts in languages I don't understand. I'd probably drift away from anyone who started talking that way out loud. It's way too confusing. The easier adjustment to make is the one that has been made: they and them with plural verbs. A further adjustment would be a one time announcement for the gender neutral person, for example "Chris doesn't identify as male or female, but he's chosen he and his for pronouns."
30
To UNCUT, I think Dan missed a very key piece of advice regarding holding off orgasm: thick condoms. Most condom makers have a style called "extra thick" or "extra protection" or "super durable". I suspect these condoms are supposed to be thicker to offer more protection, but the thickness also reduces sensation a little. If it's been a while since I last had sex I will wear one of these thicker condoms to help me last longer.
31
NEWBY, I would suggest you try visiting a swingers club in your area, we've found the people there to be open minded, non-judgmental and safety conscious. As beginners the people we met were understanding and willing to respect boundaries until we were both ready to go further. The club near us has nights when they allow single men in just for couples with a fantasy like yours. Good luck!
32

NEWBY, I would suggest you try visiting a swingers club in your area, we've found the people there to be open minded, non-judgmental and safety conscious. As beginners the people we met were understanding and willing to respect boundaries until we were both ready to go further. The club near us has nights when they allow single men in just for couples with a fantasy like yours. Good luck!
33
NEWBY: Your cuckold fantasy is no further away than Craigslist.
34
premature ejaculators can go longer by strengthening their pc muscle [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pubococcyge…]. it's the same muscle women exercise when they do kegels and the effects are pretty similar - better pelvic muscle control = better sex.
why don't more people don't know about this!?
35
I don't understand why ejaculating fast is a problem for UNCUT?

If he wants to have more sex, why not go again?

If his partner is unsatisfied, why not ask to see her toys or how she gets herself off?

Or does he just end things? Cause that is NOT FAIR!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUYaosyR…
36
@23 "She's the victim of impotence, a common ploy used by men to lower women's self esteem. "
And it's almost as manipulative as a wife who selfishly withholds sex!

Do I need to spell out that women don't choose to lose desire for sex just as men don't choose to lose their hard on?
37
Anyone who thinks that someone is a "hard nut to crack" after 10 years and then blames it on their "partner's" racial background is delusional. There is no "relationship" there, it is a guy with a big racism problem fantasizing that he is in "love" with another guy who obviously does not want to be intimate with him in any way. Marriage? Crazy. But I guess that's what we have fought for- the chance for delusional gay people to make crazy marriage decisions on equal footing with delusional straight people.
38
35, Philophile-- I had a similar question for UNCUT. It would seem to me that there are 2 possible problems. Either he wishes he could last longer, or she wishes he could. If both are fine with the current state of affairs, then there isn't really a problem.

I can mention some personal experience with one particular premature ejaculator many years ago. I thought the answer was to be found in his coming once, keeping things going for me until he got hard again, and then having PIV sex for a reasonable time on the 2nd go. He didn't acknowledge that there was anything wrong and was oblivious to what I thought was obvious. I'll grant that I wasn't the best communicator at 21, but I thought I'd spelled it out pretty well, and he either really was that dense or made a good show of it. (This wasn't a matter of coming after 2-3 minutes. This was 2-3 seconds, literally, no thrusting necessary.)

I've also learned through this column that there's some possibility that antidepressant drugs could help.
39
@30: very key piece of advice regarding holding off orgasm: thick condoms.

A condom that is too tight might also do the trick.
40
Brian Garner has a wonderful description on why the singular "they" is probably the best answer to an unfortunate language problem. It's in his guide to Modern American Usage, which I recommend to any usage geeks. @ven, I used to be with you on avoiding it, but his discussion convinced me. However, that discussion is in reference to writing, and in particular to not wanting to assume a gender bias when you're speaking about a generic person. Am I just an asshole that I find it obnoxious to ask people to be gender-neutral when referring to a specific person?
41
@Philophile: men don't choose to lose their hard on?

That's certainly what they'd have you believe.
42
Philophile @35, he may not have much choice about ending things, depending on what his latency period is like. If he can cuddle and kiss and engage in pillow talk until his desire and erection return, great for everyone. But if he needs to immediately fall asleep or get some alone time that’s not going to work.

It makes no more sense to blame someone for falling asleep than for choosing to lose their desire for sex.
44
ciodes, I’m not sure it’s obnoxious to ask, but it is obnoxious to get upset about it if someone forgets — especially if you’re in some type of group discussion and everyone goes around the circle giving their name, relevant background history and preferred pronoun. If three people out of ten have three different nonstandard pronoun preferences, then nobody in the group should be upset if a participant just gives up and defaults to calling everyone in the group “they.” Names by themselves are too much for a lot of people to remember and we process pronouns differently from names.

It’s obnoxious to not make any effort at all if someone close to you asks.
45
Am i the NEWBY here... or is the word "vanilla" out of place with the rest of newby's post? :)
46
@40, no you're not. Gender neutrality is great when it's used to *not* assume the gender of someone in the abstract when you don't know their gender. But when you're talking about a specific person, what purpose does it serve?

Good:
"When you look for a new doctor, make sure they are board certified."

Wha?!:
"My brother Chris is going to Alaska. I'm hope they'll have a good time."
47
@45 I think she's vanilla and extremely GGG. Fulfilling your partner's cuckold fantasies doesn't make you kinky yourself, unless you'd be disappointed if your next relationship didn't include cuckolding.

@46 My genderfluid sibling Chris is going to Alaska. I hope they'll have a good time.
48
editing @47 to: My sibling Chris is going to Alaska. I hope they'll have a good time. (Unless their gender-fluidity is germane to the current conversation, it doesn't have to be mentioned when one mentions one's sibling Chris.)
49
I have no problem with "they", not until a transperson inevitably tells me I should have a problem with "they". I think?

I pray Nine Outta Ten's is fake. He's blamed his boyfriend's heritage for his own lack of initiative for a decade! He seems thrilled enough just viewing his exotic trophy, why ruin such a wonderful relationship with sex now?
Don't worry, you wouldn't be the first well-established guy to fall for somebody pretty who simply isn't interested. Ask him if he's asexual. If not, you may have to retroactively open your relationship.

Geez Dan, you tell us gay people are supposed to be better at sex communication.
50
@47/48 Being willing to cuckold sure sounds kinky to me... its one thing to give on behalf of your partner...and a bit more to take on their behalf (so to speak... chuckle). But, thanks for clarifying another possibility that didn't occur to me... (That she is just extremely giving and had few boundaries)
51
NEWBY,
Communication can be very important. Dan did not mention it this time, but frequently does in relation to the cuckold fetish. You need to figure out whether reality would spoil the fantasy. You also want to know whether he wants to watch (even be forced to watch) as opposed to hearing about your having sex with another man. Does he want to have some say in your choice of bulls, or would your surprising him be good?
Join FetLife and find some cuckold discussion groups.
52
I had a lover who would ejacultate prematurely. We were staying near a lake and I noticed that after we had been swimming, when he was still cold he had amazing stayig power. The lake was quite cold. I wonder if chilling UNCUT's nuts before sex could help?
53
I loved RARE's letter, great example of the importance of keeping the fire stoked so you can keep the cows milked. PORN's husband could have used RARE as a friend.

@47 I suggest saffron in addition to vanilla and kinky.
vanilla: hands/mouth/piv boundaries
pro - most easily genitally satisfying
con - most limited "welcome acts"

saffron: anything mutually desired (ggg?)
pro - theoretically unlimited "welcome acts"
con - requires extra communication rules

kinky: needs specific acts + vanilla
pro - more initial "welcome acts" than vanilla
con - limited to partners with compatible kinks
54
@38 Oh yeah personal premie anecdotes:
-2 virgins, it ended things sexually. I've never known at the time I was taking someone's virginity, that I was taking virginity.
-1 guy who had fucked his HS teacher. I might have been the next he dated after that story exploded. I was young and had no idea how to talk about that but listened. Sex ended things.
-A couple guys, including a virgin, who just kept going, so it wasn't a problem.

@41 Are you implying that men keep it up with me consciously as a favor or something? What exactly is your problem with me? That you're obviously! not my type? Go fuck your wife, stop lashing out with your nonsense.

@42 "he may not have much choice about ending things, depending on what his latency period is like"
If that's the case, he could make sure that she's satisfied before he does anything that could make his penis explode. He's 20 and sounds virginal though, so I doubt it, he's more likely to be able to keep going without the condom falling off but is stuck in bad cultural norms. At the very least he could lay back and ask her to try to satisfy herself with his dick before it blows, if he needs it to be over then.

"It makes no more sense to blame someone for falling asleep than for choosing to lose their desire for sex."
???

Did anyone else think that the mullet guy in that vid was the only "good in bed" guy? The others looked embarrassed!

I love Dan Savage but I wish he'd take a break, I don't want him to burn out, he's been cranking out a lot of content lately.
55
Philophile @53:

As you say, we already have GGG. What does “saffron” add? GGG (and presumably saffron) always has “a kink too far” as a boundary so no, welcome acts are not theoretically unlimited.

Kinky does not necessarily include vanilla and often doesn’t.
56
Taking anti- depressants , UNCUT , seems a little extreme. Also , maybe stop thinking in terms of negative terms for yourself.. Maybe spend some alone time visualizing longer sex time. Not being a man , not sure I can offer you much advice. Except, work on how your mind is involved; negative labels, being cross it happens other than what you'd like.
57
@Pilophile: Are you implying that men keep it up with me consciously as a favor or something?

No. When a man decides to get an erection, he's reducing you to a sex object. When he decides to stay limp, he's chipping away at your self esteem. This is just common knowledge.
59
Am I the only man who is tired of the circumcised vs non and sensitivity debate? I'm circumcised, have been my whole life, for 40 years it's all I've know. I have no point of reference to say that what I'm feeling is more or less sensitive than someone else. To me it's like trying to compare pain thresholds or how tickle-ish you are, everyone is different and you have to accept and live with what you've got and move on.
60
@59: I have no point of reference to say that what I'm feeling is more or less sensitive than someone else.

Sure you do. For example, do you enjoy blow jobs? Light licking as well as full on deep throat? Some men can get off that way, others can't, so there's one point of reference. Men do seem to vary in sensitivity (regardless of foreskin status).

61
Being uncircumcised definitely does not cause premature ejaculation. I find that in fact the foreskin often serves a similar role to a condom in that it reduces sensation a bit in the early stages of the process, but unlike a condom (hopefully!) it retracts enough to allow full sensation in the later stages - one of the reasons I'm very glad I'm uncut. Having a sensation-control built in is awesome.

Maybe UNCUT or his partners are rolling back the foreskin too soon, perhaps because they're used to it not being there?

(If this is giving any of you foreskin-envy, good. Circumcision is a barbaric practice that should have been abandoned a long time ago.)
62
UNCUT: You're 20. I could only last 3 minutes or so when I was a youth in my first LTR. Next woman I slept with, I could suddenly last as long as I wanted. The intervening dry spell and being with a new partner seemed to allow my brain to break out of the pattern that had been established in the previous relationship.

Enjoy your sensitive dick - it's a gift. The solution to your problem lies somewhere in your head. With luck, you'll eventually stumble upon it.

P.S. I've found talking during sex allows me to fight back untimely orgasms. Dirty talk, clean talk, or words of encouragement if she's close to coming. Maybe that or something similar will enable you to pull yourself out of your head when you feel one coming on.
63
Nine outta ten, eh? A man with a solid self esteem. I'm assuming your partner performs some sexual acts with you, if not allowing penetration?
Though, getting married? He doesn't want to have sex with you- for ten yrs now. Right.

64
RARE; that's a dirty story you tell. I like it.
65
@61: Foreskin-envy is pointless. Those who don't have foreskins don't have them, and will not have them no matter how much they envy those who do. It is not necessary to envy the uncut to recognize that infant circumcision as a routine medical practice is unnecessary.
66
Shakespeare is awkward.
67
Chase; it's giving me penis envy.. What is it like to have all that dangling junk ?
I'll never know..
68
Re the pronouns thing: it's a shame zie / zir etc doesn't seem to be catching on (for when you are talking about a hypothetical person who could be male or female, or you don't know the gender of a real person, or you're trying to protect someone's privacy by not saying. Or when someone has a prejudice against pronouns). Why don't we all try to popularize them?
69
@EricaP, as usual, I agree with your relationship advice. But now that you're offering grammar critique, I love you even more!
70
@57.... look up sarchasm (yes, the h is intentional)...and....hahaha. thanks for the laugh
71
@UNCUT. I will echo the recommendation above for a daily PC muscle exercise regimen. It may take a couple years of steady effort to improve EC by strengthening the PC but holy hell is it worth it.

An analogy: children have poor muscle control, and are very ticklish. They 'laugh' and 'muscle spasm' in an uncontrolled manner in response to the 'physical stimulation' from being tickled. As they grow older, and stronger with better muscle control, this response fades. Your PC and Prostate work the same way, poor stregth and muscle control will result in an ejaculation response from a lower threshold of physical stimulation. Over time as you improve PC muscle strength this threshold will shift to the point where the physical stimulation needed to illicit an ejaculation response is much higher. Unlike 'growing up' to age out if ticklishness however, men rarely exercise their PC and it never strengthens. You have to do this intentionally.

It will take a long time time (couple years) for this method to work, be patient, exercise every day. You will also observe firmer erections from the additional PC muscle tissue holding blood flow better during erections.
72
I'm curious to know how selfish NOT's partner would have to be to rate 8 out of 10.
73
It may be worthwhile for Uncut to discuss his issue with his doctor, and to discuss whether Prozac might be a good option for him. While it grew to fame as an antidepressant, Prozac has been used off-label to treat premature ejaculation for years after many many people in clinical trials reported either that their normal ability to orgasm had become delayed or difficult, or that their previous premature ejaculation problem had gone away entirely. Prozac is, for many people, a very effective tool to delay ejaculation. Obviously, it's not for everyone, and requires a frank discussion with your doctor, but it may be a good option for him.
74
@68, I'd probably get it all confused and end up calling people zit.
Philo, don't let Seandr get you all hot and bothered. Think he's like one of those boys who would have pulled girls pig- tails( plaits? Whatever).
Dear, dear Seandr..
75
What is with all these drugs? Please UNCUT; no drugs. No circumcision.
76
@LavaGirl: I do have a mischievous side. Some people seem to like it.
77
For the premature ejaculator, you may want to try promescent. It's a cream you apply that is supposed to help you last longer without having an effect on your partner.
78
For helping with sensitivity, how about a glass of wine/shot of bourbon? Seems easier than hitting up a doctor for off-label antidepressants....
79
@69 thanks for the kind words!
@70 thanks for teaching me a new word!
80
Nine Outta Ten actually sounds like a raging stalker, and the "we had sex this one time 10 years ago, but I still live in hope" line sounds like he's only together with this one night stand in his head.
81
My preferred pronoun is 'anus'
82
M? 34 @68 - I have used "hem" and "hes" in this very space in order to solve the annoyance of "hir" or "zir" having a double application.

Ms Ciods/Ms Cummins - Of course, there was Mr Savage's trans adversary who preferred "it" during that little confrontation a while back. Openness to providing reasonable accommodation is one thing. Pushing for accommodation without regard for others finding the chosen form problematic is another.
83
I wonder if Nine out of Ten is just trolling. If not, I hope his Little Brown Prince is spending all his money.
85
@55 Saffron isn't GGG, it's boundaries of mutual desire. GGG may be more important to saffrons, not sure. And if you don't like it don't use it. I'm not developing ideas here anymore, only mentioning some that I find most useful. You're right, the kinky description could be modified as custom needs, custom limits, or something, but I'd like to drop it.

@57 Yes, and when a woman decides to have sex with you, she's taking pity on you, and when she says no, she's punishing you. Common knowledge.

We're just poking fun at people who believe desire can be consciously decided?

I can't tell if you're being obscurely witty or impossibly ignorant in type, the sarchasm is too wide. But I'm curious now... If you are hiding intelligence, then why the whinge that your roll out turned off your ex last week?

@74 Thanks, Lava, love ya too! I'm sure I'll keep posting here forever, I admire Dan's work. Have a cookie! --> in that 1600s book (I read through much of the yellowed pages and obscure english.) a couple moves were mentioned that don't really exist today, like pube pulling! and kiss feeding. Apparently they had lots more time and eating breaks were common. Sweetmeats were recommended. Also their birth control was to orgasm non-simultaneously. The technique of pushing the man away as orgasm approached was criticized.
86
56, 75, LavaGirl-- Why the automatic response against drugs for premature ejaculation? I understand that all medicines will have side effects, and I understand that the benefit has to outweigh the risk, but wouldn't you say that that risk/benefit analysis is one for UNCUT to make for himself? It's easy for those of us who have never had a particular problem to say what we would or wouldn't do to solve it, but we don't know what it's like; we don't know how bad it is. I especially note that you had no other advice for him to follow, just what not to do, not what to do.

What's extreme about antidepressants for premature ejaculation? I know we've talked here about how they can be a libido killer, but some people take them for years with no ill effects. For some, the drugs do what they're prescribed to do without a bunch of horrible things happening.
87
@Philophile: Yes, and when a woman decides to have sex with you, she's taking pity on you

Damn. I suspected as much.

I can't tell if you're being obscurely witty or impossibly ignorant in type

I was aiming for the former. I assumed my comments were ridiculous enough to make that clear, but I guess stupider things have been said in earnest on the internet.

If you are hiding intelligence, why the whinge that your roll out turned off your ex last week?

My roll? I could probably stand to lose 5-10 pounds, but I don't have any rolls. Maybe you're confusing me with someone else?
88
seandr: Maybe your Kaiser roll?
89
@87 Win. There are a couple neurons rattling around. I misjudged you.
90
Being from a country where circumcision isn't the norm I can confirm that having a foreskin makes absolutely no difference, I've still come across the odd PE in my time.
91
Slow and ignorant, or possibly just pseudo-intellectual arrogance, dear dan and your followers, would be a better title since it fits both the hypothetical letters AND the creative writing exercises of the POS journalists/columnists
that wrote them and continue their pseudo-intellectual bullshit in the comments

If any of the piece of shit writers gave a fuck about using gender neutral words to make mention of a living human, they would have noticed that "handsome" was the gender biased term for a man, and that meeting the long term committed partner/boyfriend/husband in a "mens club" isn't enough info to assume the letter writers gender

They could be a piece of shit mind fucker columnist that intentionally used the gender biased adjective of "handsome" just to get you to assume they are male, which is why if they do get all bothered and cry gender assuming foul, it's OK to tell them to go fuck themselves as they are likely nothing but an asshole piece of shit stirrer AKA a stranger staff, cattle from Seattle, or C and R

92
In numerous ways, the Human equality progress that my LGBT brothers and sisters have brought about is a blessing to my poly brothers and sisters, and the way to their equal rights is a path that has born already established by the hard work and suffering of women, non-causians, and LGBT family members.

However I hope they do not find it necessary to employ ignorant, arrogant, pseudo-intellectuals in the business of media to make the final push through and obtain their rights as living citizens in the United States, as the vast majority of those in the business, are just as painfully destructive to freedom, liberty, and justice as the right wing assholes who work against the rights declared in the Declaration

Just as the faithful have fucked up the world by not recognizing how connected spirituality is with sexuality, so have the cattle from Seatlle and other dear Dan-like "activists" fucked up the free world from the other side of extremes; not recognizing the connectedness of sexuality to spirituality

Religion and sexuality (when concerning fully knowledgeable, explicitly consenting adults) is not something that a government or people of a society have any right to influence -- and certainly not be forced -- over how they practice their spiritual and sexual aspects of their lives.

So even though the situation with the scene from 9 out of 10 could be female and poly, AND IN a perfectly healthy poly relationship, hopefully poly people will recognize and learn from dipshit's mistakes and not get all agro about assumptions, as when someone sets another up to make the assumption, it's fucked up to then cry foul

it's along the same lines as sabotage, and I would hope their behavior far exceeds that of the typical savage, cattle from Seattle mindfuckers, as it does nothing to further justice in the free world, IT hinders IT

just like the grammarians have done wrong
93
I know two men who got circumscribed as adults, and they were much relieved to find that their sensitivity did not change much afterwards. I used to be very much against circumcision (of infants), since I really like the Uncut fellas myself. But it seems fairly harmless to individual males, reduces disease transmission in some populations, and greatly reduces penile cancer rates, so...

"Sarchasm" is my new favorite word. I'll use it on SB first chance I get. Oh, and Raindrop. Who else?

@76, I think you're hilarious, Seandr.
94
@Dirtclustit: just like the grammarians have done wrong

Yeah, I can kind of see how you and grammarians wouldn't get along.
95
*circumcised
96
LOL. Yeah grammarians believe in use of the occasional period/full-stop. @91, Dan is setting some sort of pronoun trap... what?? One that he fell into???! Imma gonna call cray cray on you. Feel free to "sarchasm" me.
97
A thought I had for NEWBY was that she might have a source of men that have already been vetted enough to get linked in sexually to her:

If any of her man's male lovers are also bi, an obvious scenario presents itself. One that her husband might find very hot, as he gets cuckolded coming and going, (or it might be a total boner killer so it would probably require some conversations).
98
91/92: That's like some performance-art level trolling. Bravo.
99
Hey Dirtclustit...
100
I'm circumcised and have wondered the same, but the other way around: do I prematurely ejaculate because of my circumcision? So in other words: it has got nothing to do with it.

There's one trick that really worked for me that is not mentioned here (hence: UNCUT is not doing everything premature ejaculators can do, Dan), and that is: not caring about it. One of the reasons you are prematurely ejaculating is not wanting to prematurely ejaculate. This does two things: it builds extra tensions in your dick and your brain, and when you do ejaculate, your orgasm is not 100% what it could be, leaving you mildly unsatisfied, which prompts your dick to really really want to get there faster next time.

Not caring about premature ejaculation solves these problems, because it takes away the extra tension, and it makes you really have the orgasm you are having for 100%.

Not caring about premature ejaculation is hard, because you want to do it because you care about premature ejaculation. The trick is to be more selfish when you must, and be more generous when you can. We men - that is: we liberal men - are educated to be really sweet and generous in the sack, and focused on our female partner's pleasure. This is all great, but it creates a conflicted situation for our dicks during intercourse. Our dicks want to come, that's their objective during sex, yet now suddenly to come is a bad thing. It's letting go of this conflict, I've found, that really helped me to not prematurely ejaculate.

Sure, at first, being more selfish in the sack creates some grounds for dissatisfaction on the wife's/girlfriend's side. This is the part where, while being more selfish, you have to be more generous too. And that generally means: being willing to enthusiastically go on pleasuring her while you yourself have had your orgasm already. Sure, you'll have to fight the sleepy relaxation hormone that's released in your brain after your orgasm. But you know what? You were fighting nature anyhow by frantically trying not to come. And while you are always on the losing end when fighting your own orgasm (meaning you fail, AND you are not enjoying yourself), this fight against wanting to not care anymore when you've come is one you can actually win pretty easily (meaning you'll feel adequate, instead of inadequate, which also releases tension).

So, in short: if you care about your premature ejaculation, you should stop caring about it. Enjoyment is the key: enjoy yourself, however long or short it lasts, and then make sure your wife/girlfriend enjoys herself too. She'll enjoy it when you enjoy yourself way more than to see you struggle and being frustrated while not really fucking her. And after that, she'll know it's her turn.
101
Addendum: in time, you'll see that you are going to last longer more of the times. That won't matter so much anymore, because you've stopped caring. But it will still be a nice extra in your sex life.
102
Re 91 92, Drunk? Or just crazy? Who's taking bets?
103
The "more" button doesn't work for me anymore on Slog. Anyone else have this problem?